Turned 47 today... | TheaterFire

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canwealljusthitabong@reddit

Seriously, that’s the part of this post I can’t get over. wtf are people thinking

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Commies-Fan@reddit

Jesus why have a child at 47?! 65 with a fresh HS grad. You might be alive for their college graduation.

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Look at all these people being nice... dude, your life sucks. You did indeed sign up for exactly this. You even paid for it! It's not gonna get better. These people are being polite. You and the wife need couples therapy.

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canwealljusthitabong@reddit

They paid 30k for this no less. Absolute insanity.

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Designer-Bid-3155@reddit

He said 50k

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canwealljusthitabong@reddit

Bruh 💀

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Designer-Bid-3155@reddit

They couldn't get pregnant......

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BrattyTwilis@reddit

Been a parent for 6 years. It gets better. Hang in there

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PilotC150@reddit

This could be a sign of Postpartum Depression in your wife. Look up the symptoms of it and see how many more fit. This is something to look into.

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bikeonychus@reddit

Yes, this is similar to what I went through - it didn't look like depression in me, I got post partum rage. I really, really needed help. Unfortunately, instead of my husband recognising this or even thinking 'this is very unusual for my wife to be behaving like this, maybe I need to get her to talk to a doctor and see if something is actually wrong'; he also backed off, left everything up to me, which made things 100x worse. I had no other support, not even from my family. It has taken me years to recover from it.

OP, please get your wife to the doctor, and tell them you think she has a form of Postpartum Depression, and that you want to help her. Abandoning her like this because you feel hurt is going to cause irreparable damage. Her body has been through a lot and is still going through a lot, she is going to need help to navigate this if she is going to make it out in one piece. She is not going to see it, she needs you to be the guidance here.

All the best of luck, and I hope you both make it out in one piece for your baby 💜

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rancid_oil@reddit

Agreed, but telling a depressed person (especially I've who's manifesting it by anger, aggression, etc) is not easy lol. I would love advice on how to tell someone they should see a therapist without that person showing you more of WHY THEY NEED THERAPY!

Seriously, how would you have reacted had he approached you? How do you think he could have done it as to not trigger an outburst?

I've had friends or family with bipolar, autism, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression, postpartum depression... Blunt and factual doesn't go over well, subtle clues are missed or ignored, and gently bringing it up in conversation seems to be ignored too. It's almost like an intervention with an addict- either they know they have a problem and want help, or you'll just get yelled at. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I try just listening, and nothing changes. What route have I been missing?

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Consistent-Ease6070@reddit

Start with empathy and use leading questions. The idea is to help them feel loved and supported while you help them realize their behavior is out of character from what is was before. You need them to want help and to feel safe enough to seek it out. You can’t force them to get help, and you don’t want them to feel like you’re accusing them of being a shitty person or somehow at fault. You also need to be prepared to have to try several times, so prioritize making sure they know you love them and will support their decisions. You don’t want to damage the relationship.

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rancid_oil@reddit

I think you started that off with brilliant advice: asking questions! I really need to remember that.

I have been called an asshole, and I don't mean to be one (I'm usually a very chill person). I'm blunt sometimes, but I mean to be helpful. I've started just shutting my mouth and rolling with the punches a lot more lately, but there are times (such as this marriage) where communication is vital.

Yes to everything you said. And thank you for taking the time to reply!

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

My wife is 38 and I'm sure she does have post partum depression. She is super resistant to any treatment particularly SSRI as she thinks it will harm the baby during breast feeding. I feel like if I raise it with anyone else she will mask her symptoms and then I won't see my daughter.

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drewbaccaAWD@reddit

Her belief that it will "harm" the baby is nonsense; but it's understandable that she'd be concerned.

That said, speaking as someone who suffers from debilitating chronic depression, she could spend years "throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks" with those drugs and not find anything that makes her feel better or act normal. SSRIs or other forms of psychotropic drugs are not like taking an aspirin when you have a headache and they can often make someone worse in the process. This, on top of whatever chemical craziness might be going on with her body right now... you don't want to pile on to that.

So cost/benefit... risk/reward.. SSRIs are not the solution here, at least not in the short term. Not to mention, she's already pushed back on the idea. I'd strongly suggest just dropping that line of thinking, at least until she's done nursing and hopefully by that point she doesn't even need any medication but if she does, revisit it then and ultimately it needs to be her decision and desire or it's never going to work.

My advice, for the time being, is to do everything in your power to tolerate her moods and remain supportive and treat this like a team sport. If you have access to therapy, now might be a good time, to help you work through her mood swings and depression and whatever else she throws at you.

I know it's hard... it probably feels like every little thing she could do to make things worse right now, she's doing and it's pushing you away. But more than anything, she probably needs to know that you are there for her and not forming an escape plan. Even if that's ultimately where things lead, for now, try to put on a face and give her a chance to find her balance again and be grounded and hold off talks of separation until she's in the right mental space to confront that properly.

It sounds like her mother is willing to be a go-between and help hold things together so take advantage of that.

On top of all that, you have to deal with your own depression. I'm sorry friend, it can't be easy. I'd buy you a fucking drink if we lived on the same continent. You could always post in r/GuyCry if you need to just get things off your chest. Try to focus on the positive, like that amazing daughter you've found so late into adulthood. But again, speaking as someone who also suffers from depression, you can't let the negative crap latch onto you and pull you down, you've got to fight through that muck and do your best to focus on the positive things and keep your own mental state above water.

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PublicIllustrious@reddit

Poor advice. You are not her doctor. There are plenty of reasons for someone to need medications and it’s not your call. Let alone to say so to their partner.

That first year after a baby is unbelievably difficult for some women. It’s not just the adjustment to a new baby, but the disaster of hormone shifts. It’s something that a man truly cannot understand, but it is something you need to trust is harder than you can imagine and just be supportive. Postpartum is hard for both partners, but when it is your physical body too, it’s a whole different animal.

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drewbaccaAWD@reddit

OP is the one pushing SSRIs, not the doctor.

There is way more nuance to what I said than the words you put in my mouth. I presented it as a cost/benefit thing. My argument was that it was not a hill for the OP to die on.

It would be different if the doctor recommended it, the wife rejected it, and the OP was trying to encourage his wife to listen to the doctor, but that’s not what was presented..

My point was that it is not as easy as “here’s your medication, problem fixed.” Because that’s not how psychotropic drugs work. Taking those drugs is a roller coaster ride, trying to find the right medication and the right dosage.

By all means, OP should pull the doctor aside and have a conversation on the topic if it’s a concern. But ultimately, it’s a choice that the pregnant woman in question needs to make and she seems reluctant to do so. Of course, I understand how difficult of a time this is for her, which is why I’m encouraging her husband to give her space to make these decisions herself and reminding him to be supportive and not too pushy when she’s clearly stressed to the moon.

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PublicIllustrious@reddit

She not pregnant. She’s 8 weeks postpartum, which is generally a pretty rough time for the majority of moms. It’s not “pushing” meds to try to see if they help. Are they an absolute fix? No. But she also shouldn’t have to suffer needlessly if they can help. You flat out said “SSRIs are mot the solution” and that was my entire point. YOU don’t know that. You aren’t her doctor.

Plus many people who have never been on antidepressants (mind, it does not have to be an SSRI) don’t think they are “bad enough” to need them, but then are greatly surprised when they work.

If she isn’t ready, then fine, but to flat out tell him “not the solution here” is poor advice.

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drewbaccaAWD@reddit

Yes, sorry, poor wording to call her pregnant but I meant postpartum.. person who just gave birth.

Part of what I said was to revisit the SSRI or SNRI or whatever later. I was just saying not to push the issue; She’s not receptive… I fully support revisiting it later.

But at the moment it sounds like their marriage is on the verge of collapse, so I was approaching this from the perspective of someone trying to save the marriage. Perhaps I read into things, but I read the OP as thinking an SSRI would be a magic fix, and I was trying to explain that it may not be…

Of course, if the doctor were to recommend it, that’s entirely different.

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PuzzleheadedActive68@reddit

I get it. As someone who was prescribed venlafaxine(effexor) for vestibular migraines after 7 years of hell /3 years of protracted withdrawal, I now know I have had extremely low ferritin since my pregnancy in 2011 and a slow comt gene. Not everyone can take antidepressants.

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PublicIllustrious@reddit

Not all antidepressants are the same. Effexor is one of the worst imo for major side effects, but there are all different kinds. Villainizing an entire class of medications is not the way to go.

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PuzzleheadedActive68@reddit

I think my problem with antidepressants is that doctors don't look at our vitamins and mineral levels before prescribing. A value of 4 when a red flag is 3.8 should be looked at. If doctors had tested my ferritin, folate, Magnesium and vitamin d levels. Instead of venlafaxine off label for vestibular migraines. I know so many women getting prescribed venlafaxine for perimenopause. It is only recently I looked at my genes. I have a few genes that actually make my serotonin and norepinephrine levels naturally higher. None of these would have worked. USA medical care has dropped the ball on women's health. I have some resentment. I promise I am not saying this in a cocky tone. I am honestly unbelievably heartbroken on how much time has been wasted the past 14 yrs. I also understand that she may be in ppd and time is crucial.

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Katyafan@reddit

Please don't recommend against medication, you aren't their doctor. The reason antidepressants are first line for PPD is because it is a hormal problem, it's not the same as regular depression, you can't just therapy your way out of it.

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drewbaccaAWD@reddit

You missed my point entirely. I did not recommend against medication.

I pointed out a problem with SSRIs, timing, and the fact that it’s not easy to find the right dosage and formulation.

Do you take issue with any of the following points?

the wrong SSRI and/or dosage may make the patient worse?
a patient could easily go through five or six (or more!) different medications trying to determine what actually works for them. They may never find a dosage or formula that works for them.
the actual patient has to be motivated to go through the frustration to find the right mix. They need to be receptive to the trial and error that comes with finding the right medication for them.

Frankly, I don’t think any doctor would disagree with any of those points.

I am not anti-SSRI or any other medication, granted it helps. But I do know the frustration, firsthand, a finding a formulation that helps. Some people get lucky and nail it the first round.

I think the OP should wait until his partner is more receptive to this rather than forcing the issue when things are already a mess between them. I didn’t say not to do it. I said to revisit it down the road at a better time.

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Thatonegirl_79@reddit

Exactly. This is all being driven by hormones that she has no control over and men will never fully understand that. Some women are hypersensitive to hormonal changes and for them pregnancy, postpartum, and peri/menopause are the times of highest rate of suicide. I'm assuming OP is in the US where postpartum care is absolutely deplorable. Please support and advocate for her in any way you can (I also mean with the baby, household chores, etc). I remember I had a lot of irrational fears at that time of keeping the baby safe and hygienic (hence maybe why she got upset you didn't shower). This is such a difficult stage for both of you, but it also goes by so fast and you'll look back on it wishing you enjoyed it more. A baby really does change everything. There are so many trying times but it never outweighs the joy they bring.

If you both need help then please get it. I personally chose to take my SSRI through pregnancy and breastfeeding though I lowered the dose as low as I could go. All of these life changes do have an affect (even hormonal) on men, too. Please work together on getting help.

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

Thanks brother that means a lot! 🙏

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three9@reddit

The real question is whether or not this is normal, baseline behavior from her. Is she just a completely different person after having the baby? That would be good evidence of PPD. If this is not unusual for her, there could definitely be some PPD but other personality issues going on.

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PuzzleheadedActive68@reddit

Can you look at her blood work? Her Ferritin(iron stores may be low). Look up iron deficiency anemia. Some of the post partum anxiety and depression can be cause by vitamin and mineral deficiencies. I wish I knew this 14 years ago. I was severely anemic throughout my pregnancy with my twins. But once the baby is born they don't check those vitamins and minerals. It is craziness. Plus the hormone fluctuations especially at 38 is even more brutal then in your 20's. She probably needs a stretch of sleep also. If you took on a feeding that would be great. A daily consistent feeding.

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NorraVavare@reddit

You need help, you are exausted, and you need to keep your daughter safe. You can not do this alone. Your wife is life threateningly sick. If she had a fever and was delusional would you ignore her refusal to go to the ER?

Please tell the babys ped or your wifes OB what has been happening, especially the threat of withholding food. They will know who to contact in your area. Trained mental health professionals will know how to deal with masking during an evaluation.

Formula is not the end of the world, the additional bennifits breastmilk has are most important during the first two weeks. Plenty of moms cant breast feed for various reasons. As someone else said Zoloft is safe, my son started taking it at 7 years old, he is 15 and no longer in danger of hurting himself.

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GoodMourning81@reddit

You need to reach out to her doctor and tell them what’s happening. Do not leave the baby alone with her. Do not leave.

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AtFishCat@reddit

I know a whole lot of kids that have grown up smart and happy being on 100% formula (for various reasons). Don't quote this to your wife though, cos it probably will do nothing.

My wife needs a person of authority to listen to. I may say the same things before we go into a Dr office, but she won't listen to me. But when it comes from the Dr mouth it's gospel.

That may be a path to help you, maybe reach out to her OB or the Pediatrician with simple concerns and let them help you navigate helping her. She may see that as double crossing, so maybe also tell the doc that it needs to come from them.

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On_my_last_spoon@reddit

🙋🏻‍♀️me right here! Entirely formula fed because my mom couldn’t produce.

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legsjohnson@reddit

I mean this very gently but if you don't raise it and things get worse, there are worse things that could happen to your daughter if she's already threatening to withhold food from an 8 week old. You could try to record her as evidence if there's a relative she'll listen to or, if she won't, for child protection to force her to get help before something that can be undone happens.

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a_RadicalDreamer@reddit

Has she has her follow up appointment with her OB yet? Due for a well baby check up at the pediatrician? That’s where you bring it up, as the spouse.

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tessathemurdervilles@reddit

I know someone who ended her own life due to ppd. Left her baby and husband behind. It is so serious.

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TizzyTism@reddit

I know someone who ended her kids life because of ppd. It’s so sad. It’s so overlooked and misunderstood.

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westgazer@reddit

You cannot be sure of this and her age is not relevant here. Women get this in their 20s.

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drunkatdesk@reddit

It sound like your MIL would be a good messenger? Happy birthday, same age as you with older kids and a sometimes difficult marriage. It does get better, stay strong for your new baby.

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TwixorTweet@reddit

I hate SSRIs. Look in helping her get healthy fats and Omega 3s in her diet. Eggs, walnuts, avocado, coconut and leafy greens are all helpful. If food is struggle for you both look into getting your loved ones to do a meal train or set you up with some Factor meals.

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blellowbabka@reddit

Dangerous comment

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CaughtALiteSneez@reddit

Zoloft/setraline is safe for breast feeding

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ZoeyZoZo@reddit

Go to her post partum appointment with her. Zoloft is the medication that has like 30+ years of long term effects studied and monitored with no adverse effects. I was that way with my first, well not in symptoms but reluctant to get meds. My second two, I finally went on because I remembered the trauma

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yourlittlebirdie@reddit

There is a (very small) risk that SSRIs can negatively affect the baby through breast milk, but there is also a very big and very much known risk that a depressed mother can negatively affect the baby too. You’re not weighing a risk vs no risk, you’re weighing two different risks against each other.

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4EVERINDARKNESS@reddit

How were you guys before and during pregnancy? Is this a huge shift in attitude or have the two of you been in decline for a while?

This may change how you choose to approach the issue.

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uncertia@reddit

Try to get her help any way you can! I lost one of my best friends to suicide during her post partum depression - I wish I could have been there for her.

Thinking of you too friend - so sorry you are going through it.

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TwixorTweet@reddit

I'm so sorry you have to navigate this pain. Sending hugs your way. 🖤

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sunshineparadox_@reddit

I got very close too. If my daughter’s pediatrician nurse in a weight check hadn’t clocked me as off, I’d be gone. I was planning and had everything ready. It was psychosis, though. So I happily told her about it. To me, it was good and normal.

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dostevsky@reddit

Zoloft did nothing negative to affect my milk supply. Stress is worse actually and will do more harm. Worth it. It helps. Please have her talk to her doctor.

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sunshineparadox_@reddit

Just keep an eye. I was okay until I wasn’t. I’m always kinda depressed so my depression was overlooked until it became PPP. I told my OB, too. A ped nurse flagged down a psych and therapist, though. It was in a large medical pavilion.

It was easily missed than usual. My husband was out of the states for his dad’s unexpected death (and mother’s subsequent end to her visa). So it’s good you’re there. She’s lucky you are.

Zoloft is considered safe even in pregnancy and breastfeeding. But any medication is better than mom not being okay. The baby needs your wife more than breast milk, but if it comes to that, donation milk is a thing you can ask the pediatrician about.

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questions6486@reddit

I mean... the guy had a kid he didn't seem ready for with a younger women for the first time at 47... I'm going to guess neither of them are doing particularly well at adulting.

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Katyafan@reddit

Hey asshole, great comment. What are you thinking??

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questions6486@reddit

Being realistic.

Everyone here is saying the guy's wife is nuts.

There's probably another side to that story.

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cherry-care-bear@reddit

It could really be a sign she's going to be a crap parent FFS!

Who threatens to leave a very young infant with her dad and no food as revenge! I'm totally blind because of child abuse suffered around that same age! If she wanted him to be antagonized by the fussyness of the baby and was willing to do that, who knows 1 what she's thinking and 2 how she deals with things when he's not there; off at that high-stress job? This is exactly how tragedies happen! I feel incredibly sad for that child.

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MostlyOrdinary@reddit

This. It sounds like you are both going through something rightnow, which isn't good timing. Get yourself some help and see what you're able to do to help her, too.

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Numerous-Loquat-1161@reddit

Both of you may be going through postpartum depression. All of a a sudden the weight of someone else’s world and existence is upon you. As an older parent everything is harder except maybe your financial position. Nothing about raising a child is easy so if you or your wife need help get it.

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TwixorTweet@reddit

Also be very careful it's not trending towards postpartum psychosis. A few years ago there was a tragedy when a obstetrics nurse developed PPP and horrible stuff happened. We as a society don't talk about PPD and PPD enough.

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chawchankredempshun@reddit

This. Completely. 8 weeks after birth is rough for everyone. Give it another 8 weeks, mentally reset, and see how everyone is doing. Head down and silently help where you can for a while.

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foxontherox@reddit

There’s a reason it’s called the Fourth Trimester.

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therightpedal@reddit

👆🏼 Good advice here!

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HipHopGrandpa@reddit

Happy Birthday, Dad. Hang in there and please take to heart what others have already written.

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HostSea4267@reddit

Bro, I understand this so well. It’s like you just want a happy normal life and your wife is permanently angry.

Personally I don’t want to get divorced but it seems like she is just trying to keep pushing me in that direction. It’s tough man.

No easy answers, but stay strong. Chin up best you can do is be you.

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therealskittlepoop@reddit

Just know it’s a weird age for us all — I just turned 46 & (I’m a chick) my hormones and lady stuff been getting super weird, she might be feeling that. It’s freaking weird man

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PuzzleheadedActive68@reddit

🤣😂 I turned 46 in Sept and your comment is so fcking true. I look in the mirror and think wtf?!! How did this happen? My brain is a hott mess and it is finally now that I am getting the actual attention from my doctors after I ended up in the ER with my first kidney stone. This age is ROUGH.

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therealskittlepoop@reddit

lol we are in the “WTF?!” age now

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5th_gen_woodwright@reddit

Hey man, come chill with us over on r/daddit. Life may seem a little fucked up right now, but this is the crew you need. You’re a dad and you’re doing great (I’m also a dad in his 40’s).

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lexluthor_i_am@reddit

Take a video of yourself saying "thanks!.." then diet and exercise like crazy then film yourself saying "...subway" then try to sell your weight loss story. Just don't diddle kids like Jared.

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gravityhomer@reddit

only thing I can add to all the great advice you are getting here, is that for the average person's experience barring major medical issues, this right here is the hardest of the parenting experience. First child, first 2 months. Was by far the hardest time of my life. If it is a second or later child, you are been there done that. But first child, everything is an emergency, nothing makes sense, all information is conflicting.

The best advice I got about the first child, you and your wife's relationship is like the city of New Orleans, before Hurricane Katrina hit it. The baby coming is hurricane Katrina. Your relationship as it existed gets destroyed, but you rebuild it even better after.

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wildplums@reddit

Please gently talk to her/her Dr about postpartum depression. After giving birth, unfortunately husbands more often than not seem SUPER annoying, every little annoyance is amplified… but, the comment about leaving the baby without milk makes me think more is going on.

Also, hang in there… people look at birth almost as no big deal because it happens a lot and obviously always has, which I feel does every one of us a disservice. Women aren’t prepared for how hard everything is “after” and expect our bodies and hormones to return back to “normal” immediately. And, men are even more clueless to that process.

Give her grace and give it to her for a long time… it takes a while but she’ll be back.

And, again, most importantly get her evaluated for PPD.

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VampirePolwygle@reddit

I think you're fortunate to have a new family member. That is special.

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PandaHombre92055@reddit

I was a first time Dad at 42 and that first year was super tough. Lots of emotions on both sides and we had no village as we had moved 600 miles away for work. We never thought we could even have a child so it was so unexpected. Hang in there. Try to have honest and vulnerable conversations together. Let her know how much you still care about her but have standards fir showing respect to each other. God bless.

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Gloworm327@reddit

Welcome to your upper forties!

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Gloworm327@reddit

Did you guys have problems like this before she was pregnant? Is this new or the status quo?

If it started during or after pregnancy just hold tight. I understand it's hard because it's aimed directly at you, but from the female side I can say it's really not about you. During pregnancy something monumental would happen and I would let dh know how awful he was... to have left his dirty socks in the middle of the floor. It was only mid fight that I would realizing his "atrocious actions" were really something stupid. My hormones were just all over the place and I struggled to hang on to the dragon.

One very serious possibility is postpartum depression. From the OB/GYN to the pediatrician, doctors look for signs of PPD. Again, this would be something going on within her and it's not about you, even if hurtful things are said to you. You should try talking to your MIL about it privately. Try to get people who are close to your wife to help you address it. Go to your daughter's medical appointments and as politely as you can, ask the Dr about PPD. You may need to try throwing up a red flag privately before hand. It doesn't really matter if you slip the intake nurse a note, just bring it to their attention in a way that won't cause a blow up with your wife. Like my awful dh who left his dirty socks lying around for his pregnant wife to deal with, PPD makes you irrational. She can't just get over it nor see the illogicalness of what she may say or do when she's in the middle of it. PPD can be extremely dangerous for your daughter so getting your wife help is important.

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DifferentTrip2509@reddit

It gets better - please please hang on. It does get better

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dyspnea@reddit

Congratulations. I’ve never been happier than 47 and the best thing I learned from parenting is how much joy there is, and you don’t have to wait years, in just a few months they start laughing. My pediatrician told me they start laughing exactly 30 seconds after the first time you wanna throw them out the window, and that’s normal.

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cycling_in_the_rain@reddit

Tbh it’s not normal to want to throw your baby out of the window. Strange thing to say from a doctor, people who experience these feelings should recognize it and seek help. We got information leaflets on this.

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dyspnea@reddit

Nah, that was the point, that it’s actually incredibly normal to want to throw your kid out the window (slight exaggeration) and this was a great way to talk about it with the doctor. Parenting is fucking hard and little babies cry a lot. And right before you give up, they start laughing.

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DarthFuzzzy@reddit

Sounds like postpartum. A lot of relationships end in the first 2 years after a baby is born. Im sorry you are having to go through that. My only advice is try and get into couples therapy. I believe there are postpartum specialists.

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RunMysterious6380@reddit

Men get PPD as well and it's almost never considered or treated. About 10% of fathers are estimated to get it based on current diagnosis rates, and it's probably significantly higher.

Talk to your doctor too, especially if she has PPD or PPP (post partum psychosis seems more relevant if she is raging).

If both of you are experiencing this, you risk mirroring or ping ponging each other into a much worse place, and if she has PPP, it could become dangerous for everyone.

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Jameson-Mc@reddit

It’s hard but u have a kid now so buck up

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one-small-plant@reddit

OP, even if your marriage is actually over, your life as a father is just beginning. Do not, under any circumstances, walk away from your child. It will make things so much worse.

It probably sounds exhausting (and it will be) but the thing to do now is lean in to your family, not run away. If you and your wife need some time apart, maybe take the baby with you for a few days and give your wife a break from it all.

If you're worried you can't handle the baby alone, but you think that somehow your wife would be able to handle that, then maybe that's one of the issues that's making your wife so angry. That she can already see how it will all fall to her and not you.

Learn to do the work. Learn to make formula, or help your wife pump so that you can be in charge of multiple feedings in a row. Does it suck that you can probably expect to get yelled at while doing all of this? Yes. But you have chosen to make a child. You signed up for the potential of hardship, and your baby needs you.

Did you only want to be a father if it was going to be super easy? You can figure out leaving your marriage later if that ends up being the right choice

It will matter so much down the line, regardless of whether you stay in this marriage or leave it, that you tried your absolute best at this stage.

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Dimplefrom-YA@reddit

you’re 47… plenty of fish in the ocean. if you divorce ask if i’m still around

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lsp2005@reddit

You need to call her OBGYN and tell them you think she may have post partum depression and can they call her to see her because she is not listening to you. Happy birthday. Get emergency formula and bottles. 8 weeks is really hard for everyone.

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Solintari@reddit

This is the best advice on here. My wife started a medication due to post partum depression that was supposed to help with anxiety and migraines. After a few weeks her depression was being expressed through anger and resentment in a really unhealthy, honestly unhinged way.

She went from mild depression to full blown fuck my life and everything in it mode. She thought the medication “made everything clear now” and she could see through the fabric of lies we all built to trap her. A HUGE personality change in other words.

I almost always go to my wife’s appointments that aren’t routine, especially the obgyn appointments when she was pregnant, so I convinced her to let me go with on one of her post delivery appointments. When her doctor came out I was assertive and said my wife’s mood has become volatile and very atypical after switching to this new medication. She asked me a few questions and told her to stop taking the medication after tapering down and told me to monitor for any abnormal behavior.

Two weeks later she started to revert to her more typical self and she told me she suddenly felt trapped by the kids, me, her job and she felt like pushing it all away like a trapped animal.

TLDR : Don’t try to tackle this on your own op. Seek medical advice and don’t let them dismiss your concerns and if they do, try to convince her to get another opinion.

Signed: father of six, lots of autism and severe depression in the brood, wife with regular health problems and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

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TheGrapeSlushies@reddit

👆👆‼️‼️OP all of this is the best advice. Get in contact with her doctors and mother in law. Sisters or best friends that you both trust. Let them know. She needs help. You both need help, talk to your doctor about the situation and if YOU need an increase in medication don’t hesitate. I’m so sorry. You’re in one of the toughest periods of life. A new baby is a miracle and incredible and also incredibly hard. EVERYONE is exhausted and overwhelmed and your wife’s body and hormones are going bananas (don’t say that to her, even though it’s true for every single postpartum woman. Our bodies are working overtime to heal and get back to normal plus provide nutrition for a baby while over exhausted) I wasn’t treated for postpartum depression, even though I was already formula feeding, and it like was being hit by a train and then dragged by that train for 3 years. I didn’t know how sick I actually was. I masked from everyone, including my husband, and didn’t know how to tell anyone I needed help. Or really that I needed help. Or what I even needed help with. If it comes from a doctor’s mouth that she needs help your wife will be able to listen and not feel criticized. Good luck friend. Hang in there!

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TheGrapeSlushies@reddit

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

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moondaisgirl@reddit

HIPAA won't apply here, just in case you are worried. OP can call the office and say "I am husband of this patient and I am aware you cannot tell me anything about her or her treatment. She gave birth on this date. I am concerned about possible PPD/PPA for these reasons. I don't believe she will seek help on her own for these reasons." And make sure you have concrete examples. Understand that they will not be able to discuss anything with you, but you can give them information.

Also call the pediatrician if she is the one to take the baby to appointments. If you can take the baby to the next appointment then you can discuss it with that dr.

I suffered in silence for almost 10 years because I had no one to talk to, and my husband had no idea what to look for. Hormones are wild, but do what you can.

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curious_walriss_888@reddit

This. I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression long before I was pregnant, so was set up with a psychiatrist before I had even given birth. I'm so high functioning, that neither her nor I caught my PPD/A, and the first year was a struggle. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized that we missed all of the symptoms.

All of the advice here is golden. Call her OBGYN/MD with your concerns, go with her or take babe to the next peds appointment. This is screaming PPD.

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TheGrapeSlushies@reddit

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

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TheGrapeSlushies@reddit

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

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On_my_last_spoon@reddit

They may be able to discuss with you if she signed an agreement to this effect. I always add my husband to the list of people who my Doctor is allowed to talk about my health.

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ArtsyRabb1t@reddit

Also pretty much everyone puts their spouse as a person to contact, so he’s probably good to go talk to doc if they did that.

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TheGrapeSlushies@reddit

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

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Neither-Mycologist77@reddit

☝️Just want to make sure OP sees this☝️

Hormones are WILD, and sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture for a reason. Threatening to leave her newborn without food is a big red flag for PPD.

I say this in the kindest way possible, OP, but right now you need to let the unacknowledged birthday and midlife crisis go and man up for your family because they need you. Your wife doesn't seem to be herself or be thinking clearly, and your daughter is obviously helpless. You're up. You need to take the wheel here to make sure that they are both going to be healthy and safe.

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nina-cat-33@reddit

I one read that 47 is reported as the most unhappy age. Be good to yourself, eat well and get a lot of exercise. Maybe give your wife neck and foot massages, prep meals on your days off, and really try to boot your own depression so she doesn’t feel the added burden of a depressed partner. You’ll both get through this!

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fraghead5@reddit

I turn 48 in the spring, I could not imagine starting with a newborn now. Good luck and work out and stay healthy. Tey to remember and remind your wife, you and her are a team, help each other, look out for each other.

I was done with diapers and bottles by 35 with my 2 kids. Just helped my son buy his first used car yesterday.

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

Already been tonnes of solid advice regarding PPD/PPPsychosis. There is help for that. Absolutely talk to the doctor. You can also report all the stuff in advance, you don't need to say it in front of your wife. Call and let them know everything that's happening, including your concern that she won't listen if it's coming from you. Especially include this:

She was upset I didn't have a shower before bed so threatened to leave the baby with me with no milk or formula as revenge.

Leaving your child without the resources they'll need is not ok.

Yes this is a tough time, and it's ok to speak up and ask for help because it's harder than it's supposed to be. Your and her families may need to come help. Or friends, or neighbors. And it's ok to step back a little bit to get some air. Yes mom and daughter need your help, but nobody deserves overt hostility while helping. You're allowed to protect yourself and your child.

r/MomForAMinute can give you some emotional support, but any actual harm is outside the sub's perview.

r/AuntieNetwork is about supporting women's health and may help direct you towards more resources to help.

r/DadForAMinute has plenty of dads who've been first timers, and you can get a pulse check for "what's normal" (because what you're dealing with is not). And also just some acknowledgement.

And since it hasn't been said, yeah y'all are in the shit right now and you're moving heaven and earth trying to help while being shit on. No, it shouldn't be this hard because what's happening really is abnormal. Stepping back periodically to get air and decompress is 100% a reasonable thing to do, and tagging off so mom can too may help (if she'll go for it).

From what I see bud, you are handling an impossible situation amazingly well. It isn't tenable without help, but you've got this far, which is amazing. You exist. What's happening matters, and that includes your birthday.

🎂 Happy Birthday bud! 🎉

"You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you." --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher

That does NOT mean anyone is obliged to endanger themselves or otherwise subject themselves to less than equalitable treatment in order to give love to others.

Now is a complicated time with what's obviously going on with mom, but you're allowed to have limits and boundaries.

Be proud of yourself for speaking up. And be proud of yourself for making it this far already.

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pjourneyRB@reddit

Happy birthday.

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Count_de_LaFey@reddit

Happy birthday man! Me and my wife both at 46 and still childless - we have tried to get a child and eventually called it quits (we met at 38 anyway).

Hold on there, I'm sure it is just a phase! Everything will turn out fine, you'll see.

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OkFeedback9127@reddit

There’s always adoption

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Count_de_LaFey@reddit

Not in my country. Expensive, bureaucratic and the process takes forever.

You have to be well-to-do in order to adopt, unfortunately, which we ain't.

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twodexy82@reddit

Please talk to your wife

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UntilTheSilence@reddit

I would encourage you to discuss and exchange your expectations of each other. People become a lot less standoffish when the line of communication is open and she (and you) feel heard. This is where most marriages (and relationships in general) go wrong, as people make assumptions about who should be doing what without it actually being said. Once it's discussed, there can be accountability and she'll often reasonably see anything you do for her in addition to expectations as "you going over and above".

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shellbackpacific@reddit

Having babies is so stressful and exhausting. It takes years to feel more stable and normal. Just hang on and don’t do anything stupid. It’ll get easier in 4-5 years.

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Longjumping_Guard_12@reddit

Don't be hard on yourself and especially your wife. This is the hardest time for parenting due to no sleep. Once the sleep schedule becomes consistent everything slows down and patience starts. This is normal as a 1st time dad.

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hyzerKite@reddit

Happy Birthday New Dad!! Welcome to the best club there is.

As for your situation, PPD is not rare it is actually very common. Look for help, I beg you. I remember my first kid, and the hell that came afterwords. It was so damn rough at times. You are not alone my friend, we all go through some sort of hell early on when we become parents, if we are actually parenting, that is. You CAN do this, because you ARE doing it. You care, you reached out to the void that is Reddit, and as a Dad of two little ones with a shared vintage of 1978, I applaud you for caring. It is the only thing that will get you through the jungle ahead tbh.

I really didn’t handle it good, I admit that. The first time I was so lost within huge new emotions and responsibilities, I couldn’t function smoothly and was short tempered. Overwhelmed is an understatement. We fought each other, we fought others, we fought the wind….but, we fought through it. I found it helpful the next pregnancy around to ask for help from a mental health specialist, about PPD, because my wife was acting like what you describe. It was like trying to make a fire with a flint and damp wood the first child, when we saw the Hell coming on number two, with some mental guidance, it was like making a fire with gasoline and a match. I wouldn’t say it was easier being a Dad, but it was the only way I could have stayed my wife’s husband. I really feel for you three, please feel free to DM me anytime if you want. Goodluck, amigo.

This is temporary.

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aRealPanaphonics@reddit

Not the exact same thing as you but there’s hope. My wife had always been super critical of what I do. She gets it from her dad, who’s super critical of everyone and everything.

I learned to deal with it through therapy and not simply accept her narratives as reality. Granted, if she says something like 5 times (You forgot to take out the trash), then that’s probably my fault and reality.

But if today it’s “you did this too much” and tomorrow it’s “you didn’t do this enough”, that’s likely not really a me problem. That’s her coping with stuff. Once I stopped internalizing every comment of hers, I got happier and so did the kids.

Eventually, she came around to realizing (As she was the only miserable person) that she had some issues and now she’s taking meds. Some people would leave someone sooner, but I’m kind of glad I stuck it out to help her see it.

As others said, there’s probably some postpartum depression going on. There’s also a lot of internalized expectations when you have kids, and then there’s the actual reality of having kids. That dissonance is hard on everyone. It takes years to figure that out. So cut yourself some slack and her - at least for now.

The biggest mantra when my kids were babies was “this is temporary”. The days can be really long but somehow the years are short. Hang in there!

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OreoSoupIsBest@reddit

I went through something like this when my daughter was born. My ex-wife and I were a lot younger though.

You're number one priority is the safety and well-being of your child. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that she is safe and well cared for. My ex made a threatening remark like yours did one time and I packed up my daughter with everything we would need and left. I told her we would be back when she had gotten treatment and I could bring my daughter back to a safe and healthy enviroment. I was a terrified 25-year-old kid taking care of a premature baby in a hotel room, but I did what I had to do to make sure my daughter was safe. That did wake her up and she was at the doctor the next day.

Postpartum depression is not an excuse for bad behavior, especially when treatment is refused.

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MydniteSon@reddit

I'm going to echo what everyone else said here. Right now, both of you are working on fumes. Lack of sleep. You are both exhausted beyond belief.

How was the marriage before the baby? Thats a better measuring stick than the here and now. If it was not like this before, its very likely she's suffering from Post-Partum. Seek help.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. As best as you both can.

Like I remember we were visiting my parents, and her parents were there too. The baby's diaoer needed to be changed. Both of her parents went into the back room to help with that, but she still snapped at me, "Can you help!?!" I was like, "How many fucking people do you need to help change the diaper?!?" Retrospectively, it more about her doing the work and me sitting there. It wasn't really about actually needing help.

Eventually, it got to the point where, unless I was otherwise busy, I handled diaper changes whenever I could. It was more about making her feel like she wasn't the only one taking care of the baby.

And I know this is kind of stereotypical, but sometimes, Peace is more important than being right.

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LunarWelshFire@reddit

I am so sorry you are both struggling. I remember those early few weeks very well. Hubby and I had to make a rule that no discussions, criticism or debate could take place until we were out of bed, with baby fed and happy and coffee in hand. I had a very nasty habit of starting the day in panic mode and stressing myself out right from the get go. Every day got worse and my anxiety was through the roof. We live in a very rural village and my health visitor was very sweet but far too optimistic and shrugged off my fears. My husband was so so so patient with me. But i will never forget how snappy I was and passive aggressive. Saying things like “well I guess baby is just lucky i am the only one watching over her” whenever i felt like i was doing it alone. But in fact i was overdoing everything and refusing to ask for help in fear that i would look like a bad mom. I would give anything to go back and just give myself a hug, and tell myself to ease up. I definitely had post partum anxiety. I make sure I tell my husband every day how incredible he is, and that he is an amazing dad and husband. He stuck with me!

Please ask your wife to talk to her health visitor or doctor about PPD or anxiety. Having a small person to care for is so super scary. Remind her that you love her and she is safe.

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weiserguy411@reddit

Stop and breathe. Look what you have around you. Look past the evil trying to screw up what you've established. From my yard it looks like you've hit some shit in a nice little part of life. If you love her. Love her just as much as you can. Either way. Take care of that baby. They're the only one that really matters

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Big_Slope@reddit

Sounds like a threat to attempt to harm the baby, but you should also be confident that if someone left you the baby with no milk or formula you have all the skills and resources necessary to go get some formula, prepare it, and feed the baby.

Even if it’s not an angry wife doing it to you out of revenge, that’s a situation that could arise at any time.

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LlamaCheesePie@reddit

I’m not sure where you are in the world, but this book helped us when my wife suffered from postnatal psychosis. Could be worth a read, for either of you.

My advice is, trust your gut and take action. This stuff can turn your world upside down quickly.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/201090887-because-i-m-not-myself-you-see

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Pretend-Tea86@reddit

Your relationship may or may not be terminal, but unless it was a serious mess before the baby, id bet dollars to donuts your wife is suffering and doesn't even know it.

Obviously if you were on the brink of divorce pre-baby, it might not be salvageable now.

But if you weren't, and things were good, please try to look past your own (valid) feelings and see that your wife may be going through something she cant even recognize, let alone ask for help with. When I was deep in PPD, I didnt even know I was a whole different person. My husband has told me it was like someone else took over my body. He didnt realize it was PPD. He thought I was just a monster and it took us years to work through the damage. I wish we'd both done a lot of things differently.

There's no good answer. She will probably refuse help. But please try to give her time and grace to come back to herself if you're able. Call in family if you can. If she has close friends with babies, ask them for help. You arent alone in this, and neither is she, but it can very much feel that way.

It clicked for me when our cousin came to visit, saw me drinking instant coffee (which he knew was not my way), and went "oh god. You are not ok, are you?" Sometimes it takes something dumb to call it out, even when the whole world is upside down.

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basicalme@reddit

You both need help at this time. Also I had my first at 26 and my second at 41. It was a LOT harder and more exhausting the second time and I got horrific ppd and had to get psychiatric help for the first time in my life. Please please do not judge anyone’s behavior at this time and seek professional help!

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Sofagirrl79@reddit

I asked OP her age cause he's 47 and maybe his wife is close to his age,I was gonna have a son when I was 38 and lost him at 23 weeks along due to a condition that had nothing to do with my age,that said I would have probably be much more tired or fatigued having him at 38 compared to say 28 for sure

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Exciting-Argument-67@reddit

He said in another comment that she's 38. Speaking as someone who has never had children but who has been through perimenopause, I would imagine the hormones are more intense for older mothers.

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Frosty_Cloud_2888@reddit

Congratulations and I’m sorry. Hang in there. Others have given some good advice. I’m just hoping things get better or it doesn’t bother you so much. Hard when there is a new born.

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dirtbagmagee@reddit

Check out r/daddit if you need to vent some more, lots of cool people in similar situations. Stay strong brother it does get better.

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notheory@reddit

We also have r/oldmandad for those of us of aching knee and greying beard.

Hang in there OP!

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Jeremichi22@reddit

Oh man welcome to the Old Man Dad club! I’m about to have number 4 in April and turn 47 next month. It is tiring. Yeah it could be post partum unless she was always that way. Hoping for better things for you!

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thelostewok@reddit

Having a newborn is rough, and if there’s signs of tension/depression it’s never wrong to seek some help. I would highly recommend doing couples therapy and approach it by talking to your wife about how YOU feel overwhelmed and would like to do better as a father and husband and ask for her involvement in the sessions so she can be involved. Slowly the sessions will help both parties get through this, having an objective specialists does wonders with or without medication treatment.

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Embarrassed_Key_4539@reddit

Get counseling

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-piso_mojado-@reddit

Have your mother in law bring up post partum depression.

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teriKatty@reddit

You both sound like you have post partum depression.

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drinkslinger1974@reddit

Having a kid is yet another coming of age moment we get no matter how old we are. First one’s always the toughest, at least after the birth. It’s a lot to adjust to, especially at our age where you pretty much have your life set up already. You can’t get through it bud, we all had to. My first was at 41 and honestly I didn’t know if we would last through the pregnancy. But we ended up having another and making it through the worst parts. There are times where we just have to vent to each other after they’re in bed, there are times when we disagree what direction to take discipline, there are times where we just stare at the floor after they’re go to bed. It’s tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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artfully_dejected@reddit

I immediately thought PPD when I read your post. I’m 44 and my wife and I had our first child earlier this year. At nine months now, it is starting to get (a little) easier. But we’re tired, it’s harder being older, and I think your wife should be evaluated for POD per all the great advice already given here.

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lifeuncommon@reddit

A woman I went to school with killed herself because of postpartum depression.

I know right now you’re focused on your feelings and your depression and your stress and your new job.

But your wife might not survive this. Do the right thing and get her help.

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NikasKastaladikis@reddit

You running away and leaving her with the baby while you get to sleep doesn’t seem like helping her at all. And then saying you contemplated running away for days!!! She needs you, your baby needs you, the house needs you. Running away is not helping anyone, seems selfish really.

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lokipuddin@reddit

Hey twin! 11/28/78 was a great day 😉

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xmadjesterx@reddit

Im 44, and my wife is 40. We both really want kids, and have been trying. I gotta be honest, though; I'm so nervous if it happens at this point. I'll be in my 60s when they graduate high school. My health already isn't that great, and I lost my own father when I was 14. He was 49. I have always wanted to be a father, but I don't want our child to have to go through what I did

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Zagmut@reddit

I don't understand why someone would spend thousands of dollars on IVF, when they could use that money to adopt a child.

At our age, the risk of both birth defects and pregnancy complications are high. There are so many healthy children who just need a loving home. In light of this, IVF treatments for anyone over 35 is fucked up.

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lulylu@reddit

By that logic, it sounds like you are saying that all people over 35 should not be allowed to get pregnant at all. Because those risks can apply more to people not using IVF. With IVF, you can do genetic testing to avoid Downs and other genetic conditions. In fact, many people choose to use IVF to specifically avoid passing on genes they know they are carriers for.

FWIW, Adoption usually costs way more than IVF and takes way longer. And many people don’t want to adopt. Children awaiting adoption arent a consolation prize for a couple suffering from infertility. They should be adopted by families that want them. It always seems that the people who say “just adopt” to those doing IVF usually never have adopted kids themselves. Do as I say, not as I do.

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

Thanks mate, if it helps I wouldn't change my daughter for anything. My wife is 38 and we spent about $50k and 3 years of IVF treatment to get my daughter. I wasn't expecting this in the first 2 months but hopefully life will improve.

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Three_Spotted_Apples@reddit

If she’s coming off IVF, she has not been hormonally herself for a long long time. Plus both of you have lived long lives without the pressure of someone being completely dependent on you for their survival. It is a massive shift in every thought, action, decision, and consideration.

First make sure the baby is cared for. Then make sure your wife is cared for - it can be by you or her friends/family, probably her doctor, or any combination. Then reach out to your friends and family for support for yourself. You have gone through the least upheaval so you have the highest responsibility. It doesn’t mean you do it all yourself but it does mean you have more capacity to make sure it gets done.

Normally women would have a group of friends of similar age that can help her process her emotions. If you’ve been doing IVF, chances are she’s distanced herself from those who have kids already since it was heartbreak after heartbreak watching them have kids when you guys didn’t. That means she may not have the network she needs now and you have to find a way to help recreate it.

She can’t do it herself because she’s not herself. If she’s been exclusively feeding she hasn’t slept more than 1-2 hours at a time in 2 months and probably did not sleep well for the last month of the pregnancy. Sleep deprivation is literal torture. My guess is you’ve gotten 4-5 hour blocks regularly. At this point, your lives are not at the same difficulty level. Yours is easier. You have to accept that and for now, put her and your baby’s needs first. It will balance out as your daughter learns to sleep.

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lalacourtney@reddit

It will get better. I’m your age and my baby is now 5 (I am the mom) IVF, all of it. It’s very hard for a long time. Also listen I heard PPD can impact the dad too so please also take care of yourself. No matter what this is your daughter and you are going to be a wonderful dad. You are so much smarter than you were at 27 and will give her a wonderful life.

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

That is amazing thank you so much

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lulylu@reddit

By that logic, it sounds like you are saying that all people over 35 should not be allowed to get pregnant at all. Because those risks can apply more to people not using IVF. With IVF, you can do genetic testing to avoid Downs and other genetic conditions. In fact, many people choose to use IVF to specifically avoid passing on genes they know they are carriers for.

FWIW, Adoption usually costs way more than IVF and takes way longer. And many people don’t want to adopt. Children awaiting adoption arent a consolation prize for a couple suffering from infertility. They should be adopted by families that want them. It always seems that the people who say “just adopt” to those doing IVF usually never have adopted kids themselves. Do as I say, not as I do.

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YogurtclosetDull2380@reddit

Is your wife being treated? Has she always been unreasonable, because post partum depression is a thing.

Also, try using your tongue. Ladies love that

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Wonderful_Charity411@reddit

It’ll get better.

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Rosserman@reddit

You're in the thick of it, good luck sir.

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HermioneMarch@reddit

Newborn stage is the most difficult. No one is getting enough sleep, wife’s hormones are wacko, and you are restructuring the household to accommodate another person. It gets easier.

However, deciding your relationship is “terminal “ will not lead to a positive outcome. Counseling can help. Maybe your wife has post partum or maybe she’s just exhausted. Ask friends or relatives to help her out if you can’t. Don’t leave her alone with a newborn if she’s in a bad place.

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geeson80@reddit

Sorry brother, chin up and keep doing the best you can

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Environmental_Bad345@reddit

Damn I'm 44 with two adult children. I can't see myself having a baby at my age

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Sugadip@reddit

First of all, congratulations!

I (f48) have struggled with depression my whole life, diagnosed at 16. I was on a low dose of my meds while pregnant and when I breastfed. Being a parent is hard work and no one is prepared for how much work it will be. At her next drs appointment she really to talk to the dr about how she’s doing mentally, emotionally and physically. When I was breastfeeding my second (and last) baby he struggled with latching and was trying to cluster feed, it was physically painful and mentally I felt like it was my fault so I was lashing out at my ex husband because I was exhausted. I ended up pumping and using formula if needed. Then there’s everything else you have to take care of and new things to worry about.

It might sound strange to suggest but maybe have some formula hidden in case she does leave and you need to feed the baby.

Good luck!

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loupdeelou@reddit

Happy birthday.

I’m a new mom to a 6-month old. That time was so hard. It got easier around 10-12 weeks. Hang in there.

Seriously consider hiring help. Look for a night nanny or postpartum doula. They’re expensive, but you’ve got to do whatever it takes to make it through the next couple of weeks.

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TermusMcFlermus@reddit

I turned 47 once.

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Pitiful-Reserve-8075@reddit

r/methylene_blue/

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Flaise@reddit

I feel you. I’m also 47 and my husband just blindsided me with a divorce. I’m terrified and have no idea how I’m going to do this. He was the big earner. Over the years he made me change into a different person to make him happy and it still wasn’t enough. I am so sorry you are also struggling. I wish you strength, peace, and courage for your birthday. Please remember you matter. You are important. And you deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion.

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CaveJohnson82@reddit

Happy birthday.

Go buy some formula if she threatens to leave the baby with you without some. You're both obviously exhausted but you slept in the car rather than just take a shower before bed or plan to buy more formula?

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Feline_Fine3@reddit

Are these behaviors in her new? Or was she like this before she got pregnant?

If it’s new, you need to pause and think about what she has gone through in the past year, and especially in the last couple months. This isn’t to say that you aren’t doing everything that you can and that you aren’t also tired, but her body, her hormones, and her brain are on overdrive right now. And that’s just if everything went fine with the pregnancy and the birth and if she’s not experiencing postpartum depression, let alone if the pregnancy was hard, and/or she had a traumatic birth, and/or she’s also experiencing postpartum depression.

You say that you are already being treated for depression, but is she?

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cycling_in_the_rain@reddit

Indeed, she’s gone through so much this year and OP said they also spend many years and 50k on IVF to get pregnant.

A family member also went trough this at around 40. I think the years before birth are already tough, not knowing if it will ever happen, a lot of medical procedures, learning to trust your body, dealing with a lot of hormones, hope and disappointment. And when the baby is finally there, you should be so happy, you have what you wanted so much for all these years. And of course if you wanted it this much, you should be a perfect parent.

OP, I’m not saying this is all true for you, but it can make the pressure even bigger. Sometimes it’s good to remember that not everything can and needs to be perfect to be a good parent. Please be gentle to yourself and your wife. As a woman, I feel you must be honest to your wife that you feel hurt by her critisism and ask her to see you as a partner in this whole new life and to truly work together. Maybe write it to her in stead of saying. But make sure you also mainly tell her how proud you are of her, how much you love her and your baby and how much you want to be a family together.

Keep doing a lot for your child and family, stay involved. Don’t give up on that.

Happy birtday OP, we’re almost exactly the same age. I love my teenagers and we have so much fun, but they also can make me doubt if I’m not a bad parent or do things right, or said the wrong things. Know you’re not perfect, but let love be the driving force to do the best you can, your child will remember that and your wife will hopefully recognize that, when she’s in a better place.

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fozziwoo@reddit

happy birthday my dude, dig deep

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FlatRooster4561@reddit

Your wife will not be herself for awhile. You have to give her some grace

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HumanContract@reddit

Do you normally shower before bed or criticize her to shower? Such a strange thing to make a big deal about unless it's been an issue. If you're telling her to be clean for bed, you better shower before bed, too.

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FoppyRETURNS@reddit

I'm happy to have my children at 28. I barely had the energy to pull it off then!

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RoundTheBend6@reddit

Happy birthday mate.

Life comes at us fast. You aren't alone in these issues.

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peppynihilist@reddit

Happy birthday

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DarkWolfBG@reddit

Get your testosterone tested. Sleep deprivation will lead to low T.

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GreenGonz@reddit

It gets easier.

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Actual_Appearance246@reddit

This 👆

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MasterpieceUnited539@reddit

Happy birthday my man! Sorry its rough, sincerely. Sending all my power to you. Hope it keeps you pushing forward just a bit when you need it most. Hang in there homie

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gohashhi@reddit

It looks like everyone has already given you helpful advice. It’s a tough time with a young baby and lack of sleep. I remember being critical of my partner at this time also, even though he was trying his best. Hormones make you crazy. Here’s wishing for improvement soon - you’ll get past this time and things will get easier.

It looks like we share a birthday - I also turned 47. Happy birthday wishes from a random birthday twin.

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

Happy birthday my friend, I appreciate your comments!

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Matshelge@reddit

I had my first kid at 40, but my suggestion is to bite down and get past the 4 month period. It makes a huge difference. I literally cannot remember the first 3 months of my first kid, and only pictures give a hazy recollection. So don't make any life changing decisions in this time, you are not yourself and choices you are making will not be well thought out.

Next up, try to organize some sleep rotation with your wife. It works wonders getting a few uninterrupted hours of sleep.

But more than anything, spread your tale over on r/daddit those guys are very supportive and will give much better advice than I ever could.

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interista4jz@reddit

I don’t have time to read through everything but want to first say, you’re doing an awesome job as a Dad and partner. Postpartum is a beast for everyone. Given the sounds of it, likely you can’t recommend support to her but if a neutral family member that is a Mom could mention to your partner that new Mom support groups exist and are amazing - you may see your wife come through the clouds of postpartum in ways that energize and restore her. Regardless, it takes time. Be gentle with everyone - especially yourself. Speaking of that, whether couvade is real, having a daughter is a mind shift, especially in your 40s. Your testosterone doesn’t know what to do. I feel for you brother. Think of the long plan and find other Dads to create a community with. You’re not alone. DM me. I’m happy to listen and be a friend.

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mmoonbelly@reddit

Hang in there. Both need you.

Sleep deprivation really really affects people and reactions. Especially when there’s something new and you’re coping with work and home pressures.

For me coping when I was 34 and having our first child and a new job was tough (move from US back to UK when my wife was 7 months pregnant) . I’m 47 now and would struggle the same way in the same situation.

Hang in there - you’ve got this!!

What worked well for me was getting a bit of pattern to make things as easy as possible - suit as uniform for work, using laundry services for shirts etc so there was now extra thinking at home, structuring the day so I could help with the new-born. Getting a cleaner can help too.

If you’re dealing with the stress of a new job, one thing to think of is how to make separation

We were in the UK so my wife had a good 9 months before she went back to work part time. (Her choice - lack of adult conversation about anything un-baby related was killing her)

But the first months are the hardest part for getting through without sleep for both parents - while it hits mothers hardest with all the other changes the body goes through, their partner also needs support, care and personal free time. (And unbroken sleep. You both need unbroken sleep).

It gets a lot better!!

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cdgman@reddit

I hope things get better for you but at the same time I feel like you might have one of those "the world is against me complexes". Which it isn't two things always help me out. The first being realizing it can always be worse. And the second making sure that the one who is to blame for how I got in this situation is the one i see in the mirror. That way you feel like you have more control over your life, even if its not true. Good luck!

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jbird3000@reddit

Never forget to appreciate what you have though, it’s so easy to tunnel onto the negative. Congrats on being a girl dad! Mine just turned 3 and it has changed me infinitely for the better. Onward and upward friend.

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ProfessionalCoat8512@reddit

Was she like this prior to the birth?

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SnooPaintings5597@reddit

It’s postpartum. Your wife has postpartum depression. Treat that if you can and save your marriage. Suerte

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Heinrichstr@reddit

You have a new job and a new child. See a therapist and be thankful for what you have. You are NOT alone.

Fighting depression is impossible but you can find peace thats worth the struggle.

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IlllIlllIlllIlIlI@reddit

Hang in there, friend.

It gets way, way better as the kid gets older—speaking from personal experience.

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OkFeedback9127@reddit

47 and first child ☠️

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canwealljusthitabong@reddit

It’s ridiculous tbh.

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canwealljusthitabong@reddit

It’s crazy people are spending tens of thousands of dollars to

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Whoknowsbest@reddit (OP)

Thanks man, super helpful!

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OkFeedback9127@reddit

lol chill out I have three kids and I’m tired as all get out. I can’t imagine doing it all over at this age I’m too tired

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After_Preference_885@reddit

Mine is almost 26 and I'm also 47, it's wild how people in our generation have kids all different ages isn't it?

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OkFeedback9127@reddit

Yep

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jenness977@reddit

Happy birthday 🎈🎈🎈 I really mean that, even if it's not actually happy for you today. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed and worn down from your current circumstances. You do matter to more people than you realize. And you mean the world to your little baby. Keep moving forward and keep your focus in the present for now as much as possible.

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Squirrel_Master82@reddit

Happy birthday, bud! Sorry shits all fucked up right now. Having a baby can cause people's brains to break for a while. I hope you're able to ride out this storm and things get easier.

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

Wait till you hit 50. It really is a thing.

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Nipplasia2@reddit

She’s post partum. Hormones are a mf, and you said sickness and health. You can’t just bail when it’s hard my guy.

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Sofagirrl79@reddit

OP may I ask how old your wife is? No judgement but if your wife is close in age to you having a child in her 40s has to a bit harder on her body and mental health if she's over 40

Not saying every woman over 40 who has newborns is destined to have it harder than someone in their 20s or 30s but having a child after 40 has more risks and more taxing on their body and possibly mental health

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mutantbabysnort@reddit

Happy birthday. It’s rough with the first kid. Hang in there and good luck to you and your family.

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Glass-Marionberry321@reddit

Uhhh how old is your wife because in addition to post partum, that is something like a 20 yr old would say

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Clean_Progress_9001@reddit

Hang in there.

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chronic_ill_knitter@reddit

Happy birthday dude. I see all these people telling you to step up and be an amazing dad. I'm sure you can. Hopefully there's someone who can help you with your depression so your wife's PPD doesn't kick both your butts.

Look for happiness in the small things. The color of a sunrise. The way your daughter looks when she's milk-drunk, sound asleep. The things that you recognize as home. A song you like. Wishing you the best.

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purpleteenageghost@reddit

As a fellow Xennial who became a parent in their 40s… you’ve got this. I 100% agree with the others in saying it sounds like your wife is having some PPD, which is normal, but she sounds like she’s gonna need some help outside of you. Parenting is hard, and it’s naturally gonna bring out some negative traits, even from you. But this sounds like it’s a step above that. It’s not your fault, and you don’t deserve it, but she deserves some help.

All things aside. Happy Birthday!

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fagabeefi@reddit

Postpartum is real. Hang in there, she’s not herself right now.

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Middleage_dad@reddit

The first few months can be like this. It’ll be ok. Things will return to normal.

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checkpoint_hero@reddit

I dunno man sounds like they both need therapy

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Oh for sure, but they can get through it if they want.

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Stunning_Radio3160@reddit

This is tough for anyone. I have newborn twins right now and the depression is setting in. Your wife probably has PPD and should be checked out.

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Fun-Bunch-4073@reddit

Congrats, im 45, my wife and I are still trying. Dont think its gonna happen. Im sorry you're having a rough go of it things, but im jealous of you. If thats worth anything.

I dont want to give empty platitudes about how things will get better. And I dont have any advice to help. Id just say, keep perspective. You have this beautiful miracle given to you late in life. Thats what is important.

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BlueProcess@reddit

You at the age where a one a day vitamin may make a noticeable difference.

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Idiopathic_Sapien@reddit

You are both in the crazy time of not enough sleep and too much to do. Roll with it the best you can. Imagine how bad it would be if you had to deal with Al those hormones? The lack of sleep and hormonal changes make people crazy. It’s pretty normal to hate each other for most of that first year, usually pulling in a grandmother (or equivalent) for an assist is needed.

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Separate_Resolve8788@reddit

I nested before my daughter was born. I wanted to keep the place clean so when she slept I could sleep. I would be furious is my husband plopped into bed without showering. The last thing a new mom wants to do is to change all the sheets. Not excusing her reaction, but looking at it from a different prospective.

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DefinitionSuperb1110@reddit

god damn dude.

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TwixorTweet@reddit

OP, first happy birthday. I'm so sorry you both are going through this.

From a woman's pov, you wife is going through hormone hell. You have the postpartum hormone swing, BUT she might also be going through perimenopause as well. I'm 45 and recently started. I can be a real bitch to my partner at times for the dumbest reasons. I have very little patience for him despite him having a heart of gold. We're a bit unusual as we both are disabled and raising a puppy. Hormone replacement therapy is helping me somewhat.

The biggest help is therapy. I have three therapists (general, medical, and couples), and he has two. Our couples counseling is so beneficial for us. It gives us a space to discuss issues in our relationship without taking away from our individual therapy work.

Outside of therapy, the best support we got was when my partner convinced my parents to take the dog for a few days so we could do a getaway. We needed the space to reconnect and actually enjoy each other's company. I sounds like you both need that right now.

Give each other grace. Having a baby is so physically draining on a woman and then there's the mental toll most aren't prepared for. It can be a loss of identity. You're no longer just Jane, but now Zoe's mom and many questions will be about the kiddo, not her. New fathers have to navigate caring for the baby and helping mom care for herself. It's not easy. Try to end the night with something you are grateful for in each other and remember why you fell in love with each in the first place. You three will be ok.

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DoctorStrangeMD@reddit

I’m your age. Have an 7 and a 3.5 year old. It’s a lot of work. Wife not happy with me.

It’s a grind. Try hard. That’s all you can do.

Def agree that she seems to be having some emotional issues, possibly postpartum.

Also get as much help as you can. Nanny, family, Grandparents Just do it; you need the help for your wife and for you.

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Warrior-Cook@reddit

That moment when you realize that your free time no longer exists. Lean into it. There's been plenty of times where I roam around instead of doing a hobby, because I know it's 3,2,1 until I'm needed with the kid.

Super frustrating, but you're living for 2 now and you're not one of those 2. Be available and trust that a normal will surface in due time.

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Potential_Shelter624@reddit

HBD, regardless of circumstance~ 47 is a milestone. We made it, & it wasn’t easy. Cheers 🍻

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Wyverstein@reddit

My first wife suffered post partem psychosis. Ultimately she was institutionalized for 6 weeks.

Tldr, that time is hard. You just have to remember it is not her it is a kind of illness.

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Big-Peak6191@reddit

Having a newborn baby is the reason you're tired, not your age.

Also your wife may be suffering from post partem anxiety or depression - there is great medication to help her through that.

Your wife is also still in recovery - physically and mentally.

Cut her way more slack. Help. Don't ask for acknowledgement. Help more. She just gave birth. Help.

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Nephite11@reddit

I turned 46 two days ago! It’s a great time of year for a birthday 🎉🥳

A few thoughts came to mind as I read your post: it’s not okay that she criticized you. She’s welcome to provide appropriate feedback but it should be done respectfully and without talking down to you. If she’s unwilling to do that, therapy for the two of you or just yourself if she’s unwilling to go might help.

I also recommend communicating your feelings and needs. You two are both adults and need to find a way to live and support each other, especially now that there’s a child in the relationship.

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spiniton85@reddit

How long have things been this way? Was the relationship deteriorating before you had a baby?

I had PPD after my second child was born. No one knew until I asked to be re-evaluated by my doctor, months later. A score of 10 was "severe". I scored a 14. My husband didn't know, my mom didn't know, my best friend didn't know. I didn't know, because I didn't understand what was happening to me. Finally one day I woke up and thought.. wait a second. And called my doctor.

The time after a new baby is very hard. Everyone is sleep deprived. That comes out in a lot of ways. If things were fine before the baby, then the answer is to tough it out as best you can, and then gently talk to your wife when she's in a better mood, in a non-accusatory way. Do your best to help her get a longer block of sleep - if baby takes formula or she can pump, you get up with the baby at least once or twice so she can get in like 4 uninterrupted hours. It will help a LOT. I can always tell when I've had too little sleep because I am more critical of everything and shorter patience with my kids. So maybe she doesn't have PPD, but she's horribly sleep deprived and exhausted.

If the baby is the cause, things will get easier and better. It's hard, but it's survivable.

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Ippus_21@reddit

New baby is THE hardest time for a couple, and you're catching it kind of late.

Just... be patient; don't give up/assume your relationship is DOA. Remember you're both running on hella short sleep and she's hormonal AF and still healing. Probably has some PPD, too.

It gets better man.

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waterbird_@reddit

Dude I’m sorry and also I would NOT make any drastic decisions right now. You and your wife are both in one of the very hardest, most exhausting periods of life. Is there anyone who can come in and lend a hand? Clean, cook, hold the baby while you both shower or nap or whatever? I’m so sorry you’re struggling and I hope you can both get more help because it sounds like it is much needed! We don’t have a “village” anymore and it’s soooo hard with a new baby.

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jackieballz@reddit

Hang in there brother. Had a baby about three years ago and it’s tough. Newborns are pretty boring since they can’t do anything but eat sleep poop, and sleep deprivation doesn’t help. It gets easier trust me, once they grow a little and move around and develop a personality things get much easier. Just remember it’s tough on your wife too. You’ll get through it

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iam305@reddit

Went through the same with my ex wife. The divorce was a blessing to me. She's still an a hole. Sorry you're having to deal with the same. Get out now. I know it sounds harsh. But some women are not meant to be moms or spouses.

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Adrasteia-One@reddit

I'm sorry that your birthday was like this. Seek therapy if you haven't already. You owe it to yourself as a new parent and husband. It sounds like your wife has particularly aggressive post partum depression. Simply be there for her in every way you can, but also communicate to her how hurtful she has been and how it is affecting you. Stay strong, and know that all of this is only temporary.

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drwebb@reddit

Yikes bro, I started having kids at 25, stopped at 35. I mean, it's a tough time no doubt, and probably harder on your wife. Just duck the flying shoes and you gotta tough it out, PPD can last like months and months and I if your wife is also in her 40s she's also got menopause right? Probably a dangerous mix of hormones, I'd have a beer with yah if I could! Honestly, running too far away is probably not the right move. Give yourself enough space to not lose it yourself, but you gotta pull your part and deal with the shit. Hang in there! As Red Green used to say, "we're all in this together".

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Wonderful_Hornet_756@reddit

Remember you matter! Happy belated birthday my friend! 💕❤️

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Feisty-Bluebird-5277@reddit

8 weeks is a really tricky age, you’re both struggling from sleep deprivation, plus adjusting to new routine, hormones for your wife are going nuts, it’s really really hard. Is all you can do is make a plan to get through each day. 3 months is also a wonderful age where they start to settle a bit more and sleep long and you get a bit of extra time to just take a breath. Your wife sounds like she is going through a lot as well. You do exist! You are doing awesome! Just power through each day for now and it will improve. Combined with a new Job you’ve got a lot on your plate. Keep getting treated for depression, it will help even if it takes a little time. A don’t know if it’s practical where you are but a walk with baby in pram can help a lot, settle baby and give you breathing space plus being outdoors. I wish you the very best, Happy Birthday!!!

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therobotscott@reddit

Hang in there at least for your daughter. You are vital to her and needed by her, even if she doesn't realize it now. Be that unwavering rock that she will come to admire.

I can't give any relationship advice about your wife, but I advocate fighting for your marriage. Again, for your daughter. Show her what it means to truly love someone else by being selfless.

Happy birthday! You are important and matter very much!

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newgreyarea@reddit

Dang! Thats rough. Happy Birthday! Hold onto that baby! I always took the night shift. I had a rocking chair and breast milk. We’d listen to Leonard Cohen, Bowie and Nick Cave all night cuz she responded to their voices. I think about those nights every damn day. Not sure what to do on the wife front. I’m one of those nice guys that just attracts vampires. Learning to stick up for myself has been a real challenge. Set some boundaries around what you’re willing accept and stick to it. If it’s been like this just since the baby, then I’d def look into the postpartum thing. The 1st year after the kid was def the hardest one.

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justsomedude1144@reddit

Starving her own newborn baby to teach Dad a lesson.....

gif

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TrinityKilla82@reddit

gif

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Topwingwoman2@reddit

Happy birthday. Is this your wife's first child too? She can be in the same boat. I had SEVERE PPD, but it was a later onset than what you're describing, but many women (and men), have it at this stage. Have her seek help and you need to see a therapist if you're not. Life is hard and magnified at this point because you are exhausted and sleep deprived. Your wife (unsure of age), is having hormonal issues and if she is in perimenopause after just having a baby, it could wreak havoc.

Focus on your daughter. Watching her grow and change so much in the next few months will fuel you. Bond with your wife over that. Set aside some date nights if you can. Intimacy doesn't need to be included, just do stuff like you did prior baby to feel normal again. Stuff calms down and gets better with time.

If not, hold off on that thought until after the first or second year. Children are life changing.

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DenimChikan@reddit

Well happy birthday anyway! It gets better, it always does. Enjoy your daughter and let that be your purpose.

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481126@reddit

Your wife could very well be having post partum mental health issues - those reactions aren't normal. Leaving the baby without food would harm the baby not you. I'm sorry your birthday has been so awful but seeking help for the safety of everyone.

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Reasonable_Beach1087@reddit

How old is your wife?

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phillyhandroll@reddit

Wishing you Happier days to come after your birthday. I understand that spouse issues is one of the hardest things to go through, but hoping the love for your daughter carries you through it. If it's hard to live for yourself, maybe focus on your daughter for awhile?

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TheVexingRose@reddit

That's rough. Happy Birthday.