Do people, even friends, get jealous when you move abroad and your life improves?
Posted by katherineintheuk@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 109 comments
My husband and I moved abroad for a better quality of life; he got a better job (he’s a doctor) and I finally have access to the healthcare and medication I need. Things have improved a lot for us, and we’re genuinely proud of what we’ve achieved on our own.
But the reactions from people back home haven’t been great. Instead of being happy for us, some friends downplay our achievements, question whether we really did things independently, or try to convince us to move back. We recently bought a car we really liked, and a couple of friends insisted we couldn’t have afforded it ourselves and even asked to see my husband’s payslip. I obviously didn’t do that… it just felt so bizarre.
It’s starting to take a toll, and honestly, the whole situation feels strange. Has anyone else experienced this?
beginswithanx@reddit
I wouldn’t consider those people “friends.”
Travel2SouthernItaly@reddit
Amen to that
xoxl_6670@reddit
Yeah honestly if friends act like that it kind of shows their real colors.
Mission-Mulberry-501@reddit
Agreed.
Environmental_Tap226@reddit
Be wary of envy. Do not show off your new cars. In fact I would suggest you to live a modest lifestyle within limits so that you steer clear of envy, enjoy your retirement with the excess cash. Excess cash is an insurance policy.
ith228@reddit
To be honest most people in my life are very nonchalant about me having moved abroad. Some are curious but for a lot of people it’s just out of sight, out of mind.
mareliece777@reddit
That’s the disappointing part to me. People I thought I was really genuinely close to who feel like a little time change is insurmountable so never call or text. When I’ve brought it up it feels more like out of sight out of mind than the excuses they give. Makes me sad.
DefiantSock6417@reddit
We moved a short flight away from a man who was my spouse’s "best friend" since they were kids. Never hear from him. In 15 years he has not visited once. It is shocking, but you don’t know who your real friends are until you move away.
Roscia_zen@reddit
This is the same for me. I hear it often in these comments as well. Even my siblings can't really be bothered which is dad and disappointing.
DefiantSock6417@reddit
We moved a short flight away from a man who was my spouse’s "best friend" since they were kids. Never hear from him. In 15 years he has not visited once. It is shocking, but you don’t know who your real friends are until you move away
Tiny-Worldliness-313@reddit
It’s too bad letter-writing is out of vogue. Lovely tradition and it makes time zone irrelevant.
astrogoofy@reddit
Do you call or text them or do you expect them to call you?
Cultural_Chemical817@reddit
To me I see it as a phone works both ways, for my sibiling’s sake I know it’s not easy on them moving to a different country. So I do my best to reach out and vice versa we reach out to one another if not everyday then it’s a few times a week of course. Everyone has their own lives of course but of course I’m going to keep in contact with my sibling. I also will move to Europe from US, I’m not expecting every single one of my friends to keep in contact, but I know the real ones will, and some have even already mentioned coming out to visit once I move. So yolo :)
KrishnaChick@reddit
You're the one who moved away from them. How do you think they should feel?
Guitar4fun@reddit
Envy, even when they know the grind and dedication and sacrifice it took to get it because it increased the respect even more.
No-Service-9241@reddit
Weird of you to brag about him being a doctor and how you’re able to afford a expensive car, but you struggled to afford mediation while in the US?
Doesn’t make any sense.
Impossible_Media_208@reddit
My best friend at the time almost cried when she heard that I got a scholarship and was gonna move abroad. It was definitely not from happiness…
goldilockszone55@reddit
Yes people get really jealous when you move abroad… but they don’t really understand nor get what it entails… so when they do get jealous, let them GET THEIR JOURNEYS as well later… until they finds out what it takes to not just go on vacation abroad but actually move in sustainable ways… it has cost me my marriage… they had tried to convince me to move back to « lock me in » because now… they are under HUGE SCRUNITY.
Mackwiss@reddit
When I moved abroad my sister got really jealous. She tried for years to get a job in a multinational in a major European capital and I simply sent a cv and got it.
She would have arguments saying our mother should move with me since I was so well off.
I wasn't as I was still starting a new job in a different country.
My mother caught my family discussing me leaving the country a month after during Christmas. They kept saying I wouldn't last long, I had no social skills to endure abroad...
I was abroad for 10 years and leaving was a concerted logical decision to leave 10 years of life behind.
_onestep_onetime_@reddit
My family also got really jealous. They realised their cash cow / child who "will care for them all" when old was gone. Every single family member in my immediate family played a role in sabotaging it, lying, manipulating and cohering me at an international level to get me to leave the country I was in. -sigh-
Mackwiss@reddit
Have seen this happen often... it's pure bullying and harassment
_onestep_onetime_@reddit
Did you end up staying? Or did you go back?
Mackwiss@reddit
Went back. It was economically unsustainable to stay and landed a very well paid remote job that allowed me to return.
_onestep_onetime_@reddit
I went to the police back in my home country after, they couldn't help me. What a joke
Valuable_Echo2043@reddit
My wife has gotten this treatment from her own family members; however it was to be expected given the cultural norms („crabs in a bucket”). She learned to ignore them and it’s improved her mental health. She’s actually on her way to visit her home and she’s not seeing family for the first time.
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
Is she Greek btw? We have a similar saying 😂
Valuable_Echo2043@reddit
No she's Mexican, but it's a saying found among many cultures 😅
Virtual-Bath5050@reddit
My mother yeah… she says I don’t live a ‘real’ life, that I’m in a pretend bubble. Mind you I’m on a local contract and lived in a 350sq foot room without running hot water for a year… but sure.
Apprehensive_Fill400@reddit
I’m just going to say it. Americans suck. That’s why we’re trying to get out of here. Capitalist pigs.
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
We’re not Americans though and I don’t know why so many people assume we are x
whitebreadguilt@reddit
Your husband is a doctor and you couldn’t access medication and care you needed?? Something doesn’t check out.
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
Yes because we lived in Greece and the healthcare system isn’t the best there.
AtmosphereRelevant48@reddit
I guess you moved from a third world country to a rich one? I moved from Spain to Belgium and people were actually sad for me, like girl who cares about your better payslip, their national food is French fries and it rains 370 days a year.
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
Well, we moved from Greece to the UK so we really did come from a third world country
John_weak_the_third@reddit
Ahhhhh, maybe they moved from US
The_Other_David@reddit
Not if their friends were surprised they bought a car. Americans buy cars all the time, it's weirder not to own one (or two).
apc961@reddit
I'm assuming you are American. I learned firsthand that when you tell people in the USA you left for a better quality of life, expect a negative reaction. I've had people just straight out stop the conversation when I've dropped that on them 😅
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
Not Americans, we are Greeks!
Standard-Cockroach62@reddit
lol once when I was in the us i told some girls in my hbu I wanted to move back to the country I grew up in (UAE) and they started telling me that I only want to go back because I’m a man and I have more rights? They make it so you can’t even discuss it with them when it’s not even true. Like wtf lol
Future_Brush3629@reddit
Alot of those are karens probably. Better get out before they deball you.
Standard-Cockroach62@reddit
I’m alreazy back in the sand pit
PRforThey@reddit
No chance OP is an American.
OP's husband is a doctor and OPs friends are surprised they could afford a car. No one in the US would be surprised if a doctor bought any brand of car, including a Rolls Royce.
Unless doctor means PhD in medieval French poetry, then yeah, I'd be surprised if that doctor could afford a new car too ;-)
blackkettle@reddit
I’ve never heard other Americans use the phrase “pay slip”. We usually say paycheck or maybe payroll stub or paystub. But almost always paycheck - at least on the west coast where I’m from.
Payslip is more British English variants in my experience.
dogmom34@reddit
Who the fck asks to see someone’s pay slip? Jealous people are highly insecure and can seek to destroy your reputation through gossip, rumors, or worse to bring you down a few pegs. These aren’t quality people and I would be very* weary of them.
Appropriate-Ad-4148@reddit
“Adult” children from rich families who don’t pay their own bills are all like this. They can’t handle an “average” Toyota Corolla life where they need to earn and pay for their own modest rent, cars, insurance, etc.
They assume OP has parents who can and did buy them a new Range Rover/House/etc.
katherineintheuk@reddit (OP)
That’s exactly what’s happening. My husband’s parents are really wealthy but they have never helped us; like never. That’s where the whole situation with the “show us the payslip” started.
dogmom34@reddit
Yikes.
kapeman_@reddit
wary, even.
dogmom34@reddit
haha Corrected.
kapeman_@reddit
All in good fun.
It would be very different had you misspelled the word whoa.
Frank1009@reddit
Those who are happy for you are real friends the others not really.
DazzlerFan@reddit
Fuck ‘em. They’re not worth your time unless they’re paying your bills. I don’t have time for that kind of negativity in my life and neither should you.
Sue-Jones-123456@reddit
Those are not friends. They’re acquaintances.
AAinCO@reddit
they aren't friends...jealousy.
The_Other_David@reddit
Moving abroad makes you think harder about who is really your friend, and who just came over to your house to eat your food.
We had a friend block us online for "showing off our extravagant lifestyle". They don't think about the challenges, the sacrifices, the downsides, they just want another way to be the victim.
But a little distance helped us realized that that person was always self-centered. They even tried to make our wedding announcement about themselves and how alone they were and how "nobody loved them".
Meanwhile, plenty of other friends and family, we HAVE stayed close with. People who really care will be happy for you, even if they're sad you can't see each other as often.
Living-Appearance-61@reddit
Most people have silent jealousy. But yes they are. Because honestly why you and not them? Those people are doubly weird for asking for a payslip to prove you can afford. Unless it’s someone genuinely close and genuinely concerned you are doing too much, non of their business too but sometimes people do that.
mjothi@reddit
Be happy that you have human friends!!!jokes apart, yes it’s human to feel jealous, and envy. But you know what? We spend too much of time about what others think. Be yourself, it does not mean do not care about others. But self first. And health first.
Pale-Candidate8860@reddit
More confused than jealous in my case.
International-Sir177@reddit
Yes.
Different-Fix-9791@reddit
I don’t know. My friend since 1997 hasn’t spoken to me since I moved.
Future_Brush3629@reddit
As long as your not shoving your success in their face, there should not be any jealousy. Helps not to bring up materialist gains such as cars, houses, etc.
demostenes_arm@reddit
Erm, it’s definitely not normal for a “friend” to act like this and ask to see your salary payslip.
But being brutally honest, if your old friends are being mean to you, it’s worth to ask yourself whether being nice and empathetic is going both ways. Many of the friends and relatives I visit are actually struggling with life, and I wouldn’t talk to them about the nice new car that I just bought.
Tardislass@reddit
Thank you. Many Americans here seem to want to brag about how they got out and are doing so much better. Some people can’t move overseas and many people are worried about finances and their jobs now. Bragging about healthcare and new cars? Read the room. Perhaps it’s better for all if you make new friends in your new country that have the same lifestyle.
Automatic_Way_126@reddit
If you genuinely care about someone, good things happening to them should bring you joy regardless how horrible you have it. When my friends tell me that it’s good things when I am having a rough time I sincerely beg them to tell me something good so I can have some joy in my heart. You’re not these people‘s friends and you don’t care about them you’re selfish.
ElkProfessional5571@reddit
In my experience; family has always been more hateful and jealous than ANY of my friends ever have been. My friends and brothers/sisters I met in the Army were 10 x more supportive and proud of me and my accomplishments than anyone in my family. Those closest to you are usually your biggest haters in my experience. I wish it wasn't so and it took me a long time to realize it.
askialee@reddit
The fact is a lot of people want to do the same thing but can't because they are trapped. Those are either afraid to move or don't have the finances. We all want the freedom to do what we want.
AmexNomad@reddit
These are not people who you should associate with. Thankfully my friends are thrilled that I moved to a place where they all want to vacation. How Handy for them 🤣
MyOuttieEnjoysDogs@reddit
I recently had the jealousy and anger happen when I told a friend (68) my husband and I are planning on retiring next Spring and move to Spain. We will be 56 at the time. Her 1st question was how can we afford to retire so young. Her mood became more intense and angry when I briefly explained our mortgage would be paid off and we had my husband’s pension and annuity.
I was thrown by it. Everyone else responded with sadness about us leaving. Would ask what would need to happen for us to stay. They understand why we feel compelled to leave the shit show happening in America.
I never asked, she never confided, but I would not be surprised if she voted for Trump and has a Fox News level of understanding.
I think it part jealousy that we can afford to retire younger than her. And, not understanding why we would choose to not live here.
Tardislass@reddit
I’m assuming you’re American. I think you have to be careful as I see many expats bragging about how good they have it and how if people can’t leave the US because of family or visas that they are somehow inferior. The best expats are the ones who don’t brag but ask about their friends and talk about mutual interests or what’s been hard to adjust to.
I know I’ll get but no one likes a bragger. Just a POV from the other side.
Ok-Turnip1363@reddit
This whole post reminds me of my husband’s former coworker and his wife. Literally everything they said was a humblebrag (or outright brag) Hanging out with them was a real drag because it felt like they always had to be on top and make sure you understood how amazing and wonderful and accomplished they were. It was to the point that my husband (he is from Europe) when he first met them, he was like, is this how Americans usually act? At one point the wife begged her company for a transfer to the UK and we never heard the end of that 😂 It was nonstop - did we know that they have SO MANY friends in London? And not just American expats, but they already had this whole network of British friends in place! So when they moved, they would immediately seamlessly be just like the locals. Did you know that British people are superior to Americans? And did you know that now she is going to be living amongst these superior people and her children will have British accents?? Speaking of her children, they were born premature (twins) and spent the first 6 weeks of their lives in the NlCU and now they are the biggest and tallest kids in their preschool and they are so advanced compared to all the kids their age, so it’s actually really good they’re moving to England because - did she mention her kids are so advanced for their age? and British schools are so much more advanced than American ones because her kids would have had to skip 2 grades. Did you know that she is SO GOOD at her job, like she is so amazing and accomplished so much! So much so that she had her pick of being transferred to any city she wanted!! 😂😂😂 Not saying that this is OP’s case. Could be the extreme reactions they are describing is either extreme jealousy and toxicity but could also be that OP is humblebragging without realizing it, thus the extreme reactions 🤷🏻♀️
Fancy_Nancy333@reddit
Did you come from the US? That’s all you need to understand… we tend to be a selfish and ignorant folk, especially when it comes to acknowledging it’s better in so many other countries. I’m glad you made it out and are happy. But I’m jealous (see … selfish 😇).
FlashpackerPosts@reddit
I think your accomplishments and joy make them question their lack thereof and puts them in a position to be dismissive and nonchalant about your lifestyle to cover up their jealousy. It takes a lot of courage and chutzpah to move abroad. And 95% of people don’t have that. My friend group in the US gets smaller and smaller as the years go by (I’ve traveled extensively and now live abroad) but it’s fine. We have very little in common anymore.
Caliopebookworm@reddit
Who asks to see a payslip? Are these people somehow financially involved with you? If not, find better friends.
LearyBlaine@reddit
I think you have a potential misunderstanding about how humans live their lives. Nobody’s actually thinking about you at all. People spend the vast majority of their time thinking about themselves.
There’s an old saying: “When I was in my 20’s, I worried about what people thought of me. When I hit my 40’s, I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. In my 60’s I realized that nobody had ever been thinking about me at all.” People think mostly about themselves.
Then, of course, there’s that great line in Casablanca. Ugarte (played by Peter Lorre) says to our hero, Richard Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), “You despise me, don’t you, Rick?” To which Rick responds, deadpan, “If I gave you any thought, I probably would.”
So relax. Nobody’s actually paying that much attention to you at all. They’ve got plenty in their own lives to worry about. These other people are probably behaving strangely because you keep trying to get them to applaud/affirm your decisions & actions. Meanwhile, what they’re really feeling is just, “Hey, you do you, OK?”
If you understand this, everything you’re describing makes perfect sense.
Live_Parsley_4879@reddit
Um not really. There are sick people who would do their best to drag you down.
KartFacedThaoDien@reddit
No. Most people congratulated me. Why would they get jealous.
IllustriousWeird7905@reddit
Asking to see payslips is crazy, so I would be worried about those people anyway! But I think, in general, people (especially who have never lived in another country) underestimate the challenges and sacrifices made or that life is life wherever you are and we experience frustrations and mundanities, just someplace else. I now live in a country that people come to for holidays - so everyone I know assumes I live the way they do when they visit and my life is one long holiday. With some people, that assumption has created friction.
The reality is very different, and most of them would never live the way I do in order to live here or jump through the hoops I have. I have given up trying to explain the truth, most people can only understand the realms of their own experiences and honestly, what they think is up to them. It sounds like you are really making your new life work for you and your family. Enjoy it, you’ve worked hard for it - and nevermind the naysayers.
becausefythatswhy@reddit
No. Life for them doesn't revolve around you.
Feeling-Lie-3094@reddit
Friends delight in the joy & success of their friends. It's kind of the definition.
CarliniFotograf@reddit
lol are you serious
saltcaycindi@reddit
I know what you are talking about. I had this tshirt made instead of ever saying anything. “Live a great story…” 🌴🦩🐋💓🤷♀️
mmoonbelly@reddit
Moss-Gatherers vs Rolling Stones*
This might be a British thing, but I experienced something similar as a student.
I was on an a version of the Erasmus programme that meant I spent 30 months overseas out of a 4 year course, starting with a move to Germany when I was still 18.
When I came back to my home town I wanted to talk about my experiences, like everyone else, but my friends couldn’t follow / relate in the same way.
So conversation turned to proper local west-country gossip all the time as the others weren’t particularly interested in hearing about wilder/ better experiences than they were going through at their units across England and Wales. Germany in 1997-2000 was both cheaper at 1,- DM (40 pence!!) for a beer (we all had crates piled up in our flats for Pfand reasons) had far longer opening hours for bars and clubs, subsidised student living etc.
The same happened to a friend who took a year out to go travelling across south-east Asia. I was one of the few he was able to chat to about his experiences because my frame of reference was similar.
I wouldn’t worry about it.
It took a decade for my friends to realise that I’d likely be on the other side of the planet at any time through a year and living in another country as my normal pattern. And to realise that the experiences at life-phases are similar (marriage/kids/buying a house/schooling etc) to relax and chat normally.
So almost thirty (argh - almost grown-up!!) years after leaving a small west-country town for the wider world, everything’s settled back down to where we were as kids, with a greater freedom to chat about experiences without having to worry about being blanked.
Enjoy the ride, and gather a bit of moss now and again, it helps conversations with the deeply green of home!!
hx117@reddit
This is what I found too. When I came back from 3 years in SE Asia colleagues I had known for years asked me to share something like “my favourite moment in 3 years” (which - how? I don’t think anyone can pinpoint their favourite part of their life for 3 years even if you HAVENT been travelling) and then they never had an interest in hearing about it again. I found it hard because every time I wanted to talk about anything that happened in my life for the past few years I felt like I was constantly reminding people that I lived overseas. So I just shifted to whatever boring shit they wanted to talk about for the most part. But I knew it’s because they just had no frame of reference to even begin to relate to the experience. I ended up shifting my circle to people who had at least travelled a lot so that we could each share perspectives and stories without feeling weird about it.
I’d say it’s good for showing you who your real friends are, and who maybe wished they did but you did but didn’t. I even had one casual friend simply unfollow me once I had been overseas for about 3 months. And then they were polite to me but made no attempts to hang out again.
SurferEco@reddit
Thats not my case. The payslip thing Is something we do with my firends just since covid, cos we replaced the weekend night out for a Friday online beer session of group investing. So we all kind of know eqch other financiala plan and try to help eqch other out.
But we are all super hapoy about eqch others acivements
SpringrollsPlease@reddit
Real friends would be more curious if you’ve settled comfortably / found new friends / have nice neighbours / ask how the culture and people are - not ask to see the payslip 😄 Even more importantly, they’ll ask when is if best time to come visit you
machine-conservator@reddit
You're sure those are your friends? Who asks someone for a payslip, that's wild...
kujoho@reddit
I retired and moved halfway around the world 5 months ago. While most people have been supportive, there are some who don’t understand/support my decision. I created a Facebook group about my new journey. Those who are interested can follow my experiences, those who don’t just get to see memes and pictures of my dog.
dsaddons@reddit
I've moved abroad twice and my friends are always happy for me, but we're both sad that we're farther away from each other. These don't sound like great friends.
Stirdaddy@reddit
I'm an emigrant. I'm envious of my friends who stayed and maintained their social circles. They're jealous of me for being an emigrant.
Ajeel_OnReddit@reddit
At some point, you have to learn to live a private life. Old friends and family are usually the first to change on you (or you to them, its a matter of perspective). You can go down a myriad of unanswered questions on why people are the way they are.
Its easier to walk away from people who dont belongin our lives than it is to try and make room for them in our lives. Its a hard lesson to learn, we so desperately want to hang on to somethings its just a hardwired instinctive response.
Most people dont see what others have gone/go through in life, its very much an internal struggle. So when people see physical successes they almost always feel like its undeserved, never make room for people like that in your life, not when growth driven ambitious positive people exist.
Good luck in life and I wish you all-all the best.
Coffee_for_Maverick@reddit
This.
SGlobal_444@reddit
What country are you from? These people are just projecting on you (and frankly not your friends) - best not to share your new life/successes with them. Keep it neutral - don't need the negative energy attached to you.
AlbaMcAlba@reddit
Some people are not brave enough to do what you’ve done and may be envious.
Anybody asking to see a payslip isn’t a friend.
Enjoy your life ignore the haters.
GusSwann@reddit
My family and I moved abroad 3 different times for my husband's job and the answer is yes, yes they do. Many people are afraid to make the changes you did. Instead of admitting that, they'd rather question your judgement and keep you in the same box they see themselves in. It's an age old story. If they can't be happy for you, then you should limit your contact with them.
kalecoconuts23@reddit
I definitely think innately some people were envious when I was abroad. You could just feel the tension through social media lol. Also that is crazy anyone would ask to see your pay. How someone affords something is something I could care less about- if you’re in debt over that car, may lord have mercy but it doesn’t affect me! People are shameless!!!
HeavyAssist@reddit
Leave them behind
kulukster@reddit
Try looking at it from their point of view, if you helicopter back home and talk about yourselves it could seem like you are showing off to them. You don't need to tell them what car you drive, etc.
Journi21@reddit
Pretty normal and to be expected. Robert Greene writes about this in his books Laws of Human Nature (The Law of Envy) and 48 Laws Of Power.
Emotional-Ebb8321@reddit
They absolutely do get jealous. Most people lack the courage to venture far from their bubble, but at the same time see such work as glamorous and desirable. I've even been called a traitor to jy country for wanting to work abroad.
Mission-Mulberry-501@reddit
My family has immigrated themselves, so they know how much hard work it is. No one is jealous.
NorthCoast30@reddit
Nope.
LiveTheDream2026@reddit
Why are they renting space in your head?
Competitive-Leg-962@reddit
Some do, some don't. Really the ones that do are the people you may want to remove from your life.
Gilgamesh-Enkidu@reddit
No, but I am introverted have a small group of friends, and my parents themselves spent a hefty amount of time traveling and living abroad so they were nothing but excited.
However, I have definitely seen plenty of my expat friends getting the treatment you describe including my wife.
doglovers2025@reddit
I bet they're just jealous 😂. I'd personally like to get out, kinda need a job first. USA only first world with healthcare and work more than other countries, they don't care about work life balance here
elizabethire@reddit
No, everyone is happy for us. Especially as we are closer now and not with a twelve hour time difference
waitagoop@reddit
‘You can never go home again’ Thomas Wolfe (or something like that).
nurseynurseygander@reddit
No, but I’m older and have weeded out toxic friends now. I would have seen a bit of that when I was younger, I suspect. Smile pleasantly and start distancing yourself from people who do that - they either don’t really care about you, or don’t know how to care supportively about people they like at all. Either way, no great loss.
Standard-Treacle-632@reddit
I think is really common. But it is what it is. At least you can spot some true friends among this situation.