Single people over 40,what's the dating world really like out there?

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YoNewStepPopzNW@reddit

I don't even know how to date anymore.. pathetic

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People don’t have a lot of time to process their baggage and just carry it with them spilling it everywhere. If you are normal and well adjusted you will want to rely on your social circle to generate connections or brush up on your therapy tools because you’ll need them if you go on the apps.

Finding dates is easy, finding dates I want is a bit tougher, finding dates I want with women that also want to date me is the rarest and even when that happens it’s not guaranteed to turn into a relationship. You can’t control the their peoples feelings and humans can be fickle

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FoppyRETURNS@reddit

The only good thing abput being married is not having to enter that dating world 💀

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battlefeverjay@reddit

That's what my wife and I always said. Now she's dating someone else. Scary times indeed!

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War-Bitch@reddit

Hurr durr the ole ball and chain.

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DBLonger@reddit

I signed up for two different dating apps and met someone within a week of being on both respectively. The first relationship lasted about 6 months, but we parted amicably ultimately realizing that we weren’t each other’s person, but better off for having known each other. The second relationship has been going on for about 15 months and we just got engaged last week. I started this process shortly before I turned 42. It seems like I’m the dissenting voice in this chain of replies, but I also have to say, be flexible. I live in an area that did not yield a lot of options in my age range, in person or on the apps. I had to reach outside of my local area to find these women. The first lived about 4 hours away and my fiancée lives about 2 hours away. Long distance isn’t easy, but it’s doable for the right person. I know my experience isn’t by any means universal or even probable, but the best I can say is, keep trying. I hadn’t dated anyone since I was in my 20’s and wasn’t even sure if I could get back into it at my age since so much had changed. I glad to say I found my person and hope y’all do too.

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Equal_Question_4594@reddit

This is good to hear! Mind if I ask what apps you used? I haven’t dated since the pre-app days.

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Toblogan@reddit

So, I guess what you are really saying is I have to try... 😞 😂

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kremlingrasso@reddit

Okay so what do you think is the distinguishing factor in your profile that made it work for you?

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joshhupp@reddit

So there weren't horny women in your area? What s scam!

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GeetarEnthusiast85@reddit

Congratulations! And I agree, you need to be flexible. I met my girlfriend a year ago on Hinge. We live in different states, two hours away from each other. We're crazy about one another and planning a life together.

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nocapnonerf@reddit

Patience is key. I’m happy for you guys, finding someone isn’t easy, especially when we get older. I used to work at a bank over 20 years ago and had a casual conversation with a bank teller, she expressed she wouldn’t date anyone that wasn’t within 30 mins of her. I thought to myself that her tolerance was low, lol.

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ashleysaress@reddit

anyone else just enjoying the single life?

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shponglespore@reddit

I hate it and I have the experience to be certain. It's lonely as fuck if you don't have rock solid friendships.

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ashleysaress@reddit

Meh- I don’t say this without experience. Never been married - but have had some long term relationships- and I am 10/10 happier solo. I have friends but I spend a lot of time doing my own thing - making art, reading, crafting, gardening. I enjoy it but I also know it’s not a life for everyone.

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luxtabula@reddit

no but I'm enjoying repeats of living single. in a 90s kind of world, I'm glad i got my girls.

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Sofagirrl79@reddit

I loved that show even though I was a white teenage girl in the 90s lol .They were like a version of the Golden Girls if they were Black and younger

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luxtabula@reddit

it was a very good show.

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LafayetteEsq1@reddit

Dating in your fourtys is rough. Going on a date fills me with dread. It's like a damn job interview, except more awkward. What's a good way to sugar coat that all I want to do is smoke weed and chill at home after work?

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shponglespore@reddit

Lots of people just want to smoke weed and chill after work. Just don't act like you're embarrassed about it.

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therearnogoodnames@reddit

It is like shopping at Goodwill.

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The_best_is_yet@reddit

except sometimes there are good finds at goodwill.

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shponglespore@reddit

I just got a like-new Breville connection oven for $50!

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arcxjo@reddit

Hell, a $39.99 VHS player with 3 missing buttons is still a better value than taking a woman out these days.

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TRGBFAN@reddit

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😑😑 so true.

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fromthedarqwaves@reddit

You thumb through some old clothes and end up buying a $3 blue ray of Pulp Fiction?

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JunkHead1979@reddit

I don't know. Too busy getting drunk, playing video games, and listening to 30 year old music.

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Other_Cantaloupe3414@reddit

The liver is evil and must be punished

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SilentButDanny@reddit

Damn… literally getting drunk, playing video games, and listening to 30 year old music right now. 😅

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Amazing-Treat-8706@reddit

If I was single this is exactly what I’d be doing right now LOL.

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SilentButDanny@reddit

If you can’t do this at least once in a while (if it’s something you genuinely want to do, at least once in a while) then it deserves a conversation with them about it. Balance and mutual indulgence is important, imo.

I’m only saying this in case you feel it’s something you just couldn’t do and haven’t already agreed that you wouldn’t, of course.

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DirtyBirdDawg@reddit

Literally me, on my off days. Except replace the drinking with... something else.

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warp16@reddit

Pizza parties?

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DirtyBirdDawg@reddit

I mean, the pizza tastes better afterwards that's for sure.

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Salt_Sir2599@reddit

It’s when pineapple on pizza REALLY makes sense.

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DirtyBirdDawg@reddit

Pineapple and jalapeno. But honestly, that makes sense no matter what my current state of awareness might be at the time.

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NiteTiger@reddit

Ham, mushroom, pineapple, and banana or jalapeño peppers. All the taste buds rocking.

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DirtyBirdDawg@reddit

Hell yes to the ham. Freschetta makes a Hawaiian pizza with pineapple and ham, and for $5 it punches really high above it's weight. I eat way more of those than is probably healthy.

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Dicky_Penisburg@reddit

There's something else?

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

Smoking, eating, or vaping pot or hashish. I no longer do any of that or drink but it was fun occasionally as a teen and as a university student.

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_jjkase@reddit

Yes, Mr. Penisburg, he's too busy playing Settlers of Catan

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taosaur@reddit

A fair bit of this, but mix in goofy fantasy and sci-fi novels with the video games, and my music taste is still alive and growing. I was at a cookout this summer that skewed our age, and they were playing a "grunge" station that could have been pulled straight from the playlists of my favorite alt-rock station in the '90s. It was the first time I'd heard a lot of those tunes in a very long time, and it was cool, but I did not go home and dump the nostalgia rock into my playlists.

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original20@reddit

My life at 45

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New_Stats@reddit

It's a nightmare. The vast majority of men who are age appropriate, single and looking are just so fucking dumb. "The earth is bigger than the sun" type dumb. Most the ones who aren't shit stupid want to do weird fetish shit with you and will tell you about it pretty quickly.

I just gave up, curling up with a good book is much better than dealing with the aggravation of weeding through the dumbies and the perverts, finding a normal sounding guy and then going for coffee only to realize that there's absolutely no chemistry or common interests.

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Uialdis@reddit

I guess being told about weird fetish quickly is better than being told about it 3 years in at least.

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War-Bitch@reddit

Why kink shame though? Especially people who prioritize establishing a stable ltr based around you and not the kinks?

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FalseQuestion7864@reddit

So... is it better to make a connection with someone and then drop the... "Oh, by the way... I have a couple of weird kinks." Or put that info out there right away and scare off a potentially great match?

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JeffTS@reddit

Hey, now. We all know that the earth isn't bigger than the sun. Because it's flat and the sun revolves around both it and the turtle whose back it sits upon.

I jest, of course.

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New_Stats@reddit

Oh lookit the brain on you, are you a scientist or at least gainfully employed? Are you single? Do you not have a fetish that involves poop, pee or hurting me?

If yes to those questions, DM me.

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JeffTS@reddit

Well, I can count up to ten on my little piggies! And I have no desire for golden showers, I've never had a desire to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, and wouldn't hurt a fly. But, alas, being a business owner and caregiver for an elderly mother leaves very little bandwidth for any sort of dating.

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New_Stats@reddit

Oh I did the whole taking care of an elderly relative thing, it's so hard. Be kind to yourself, or you might lose yourself and it'll take years to find yourself again

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luxtabula@reddit

how about we settle and i sing you hurt by NIN while wearing clown makeup from pagliacci? oh darn, too weird...

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scifithighs@reddit

Hold up, lemme go get Mom's wedding dress out of storage....

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luxtabula@reddit

imma sing it Miley Cyrus style just for you!

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No_Technician_5944@reddit

Cat collecting intensifies....

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Fabulous-South-9551@reddit

This is where I’m at too. Dating/Men just bring strife into my life. I’m doing great being single and focusing on my platonic friendships. Also, I can’t imagine ever having to share my bed with a man again. Just no.

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FrequencyHigher@reddit

TBH, a lot of men feeling this way about women too. Not saying it is good, but a sad reality.

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Fabulous-South-9551@reddit

Oh I don’t doubt it. Speaking for yourself?

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Immediate-Agency6101@reddit

straight men do not deserve the wonderful women in their life.

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Atworkwasalreadytake@reddit

will tell you about it pretty quickly

That seems like a good thing.

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Cthulhus-Tailor@reddit

Maybe you should find a man who hates himself and other men, then you’ll have a common interest.

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New_Stats@reddit

I don't hate men, you silly little walnut.

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pennie79@reddit

finding a normal sounding guy and then going for coffee only to realize that there's absolutely no chemistry or common interests.

That was my experience too! So few people who were actually worth meeting, and they just weren't compatible for different reasons.

Most of the people I met on apps were blank. As in they barely filled out their profile, and they couldn't hold a conversation.

I was meeting very few single and age-appropriate people in my day to day life.

I gave up too. I went to the IVF clinic, picked out a sperm donor, and now I have a beautiful 7 year old.

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somethingenigmatic@reddit

Lady, you said a mouthful there. I've concluded that my "type" is God damn awful and not nearly worth the trouble of sorting through the above noted available pool. Giving up is honestly freeing and happier. I'll take my book and curling up to active blights and boring any day.

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OneManLost@reddit

There is no dating scene within 45 miles of me. I also chose to stop dating several years ago and don't know if I could ever be in a relationship after being single for so long now. I'm also never getting married again, so what's the point?

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PickleFlavordPopcorn@reddit

Well, I got on an app for completely meaningless sex and fucked up and fell in love with the first goofball I met. We have been together for over 4 years now and married for 3. I was 37 and he was 50 when this happened

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Inevitable_Room2535@reddit

Love this for you 💛

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PickleFlavordPopcorn@reddit

I swore I’d never date again and technically I didn’t! It kinda made me believe in magic and kismet again but I don’t wanna be one of those obnoxious “omg when you stop looking is when your true love appears!” bozos. But still, I kinda see myself as proof that you can do a lot of shit real wrong and still somehow end up really happy and that feels like a message worth spreading

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705nce@reddit

There is a dating world?

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luxtabula@reddit

it's awesome, you get to pick dates from a tree and set them up for preservation. they're great to eat with trail mix.

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ArcadeKingpin@reddit

I just made a similar joke the other day. A coworker said they timed date night and I said I did too. She asked how I timed date night and I said I brought figs.

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BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

I would 100% rather do this.

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Jolly_Line@reddit

Sucks for FODMAPrs. 😏

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luxtabula@reddit

you don't wanna know what they do with the dates...

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

It's in Dateland Arizona!

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boogs34@reddit

The incels on Reddit wouldn’t know!

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SoloMotorcycleRider@reddit

It's messed up. I find myself wishing I hadn't taken my 20s for granted. I don't necessarily have issues meeting women in the wild and striking up conversations, but getting something going beyond the basic talking to and getting to know one another phase is almost impossible. It's just what it is.

We're all basically damaged goods at this point. I honestly prefer my peace, quiet, my two cats, and hobbies. Only one of those hobbies is a social one if I invite or get invited to come along for group rides.

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comeupforairyouwhore@reddit

I don’t know about all of us being damaged goods. I’ve worked very hard to repair any damage. I completely agree about preferring peace and quiet. I love my boring life and have worked very hard to get there and want to keep it that way. Sometimes I miss long chats with someone but I don’t need a guy bringing any drama in my life.

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Atworkwasalreadytake@reddit

My thoughts in the damaged goods thing is, we all always were, including those of us in relationships. Those of us who developed self awareness at some point started working on fixing what damage we could find.

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comeupforairyouwhore@reddit

I see your point. Meeting someone that’s put the work into themselves would be a green flag for me.

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Stock-Blackberry-812@reddit

I’m the same age and feel the same way I never was a pushy sexual guy so women waiting on me to make all the moves don’t work at all

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Gloppydrop_@reddit

Damaged goods? It’s called life happens and we learn, adapt, and grow. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who hasn’t gone through a thing or two, I’d be afraid of what their character, emotional maturity, and general outlook would look like.

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balconylibrary1978@reddit

I see the dating apps as just another tool to meet folks. You've also got to put yourself out there and be involved in things.

I haven't used an app in years for dating (scared due to all the horror stories) but have used Bumble BFF on occasion. The first profile I ran into was a person I had hung out with one night with a friend from church. We've been best friends for close to two years now. But it also feels like a lot of people I run into have "issues" (mental health, addiction, physical health, neurodivergence...) when using the site so it can be picking what you're willing to deal with.

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call-lee-free@reddit

lol don't really know first hand. Been away from the game for 14 years.

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DoctorFenix@reddit

44m here.

I was hanging out with a few female friends one day and they were comparing their inboxes on Bumble.

Each one had between 150-200 messages. As in individual text chains. Each one of those was a different person.

They were talking about how it’s too much to keep up with and they basically just reply to the few people at the top.

Men, dating apps are not the way to go. You’re just a number and the chances they will open the app to see your message is slim.

Find another way to meet women.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

44F here. Appalling. Tried free dating apps, paid for dating apps and it's either perverts asking for tit pics or pictures of my feet or to come over for a bunk up after 3 messages or nothing. I'll stay single thanks.

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PoopyMcpants@reddit

44, married 16 years.

I don't envy singles.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

I don't envy married people. I've never wanted to get married. Dating yeah if I find someone nice but I'm very much at peace alone.

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PoopyMcpants@reddit

I was the same way for a long time, but I was lucky enough to find someone I could spend every second with and still want more of them.

Marriage can be absolutely amazing, unless it's not, then it's terrible.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

That's amazing for you and maybe fate will bring me the partner of my dreams when I'm 65 or something! But never getting married and not actively looking.

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PoopyMcpants@reddit

I absolutely hope you find whatever it is your heart desires.

No ill will or intent implied on my part.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

Why thankyou and I wish you a continued happy marriage.

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Global-Jury8810@reddit

I won’t even take that step because I know I’m going to get the same shit.

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Jolly_Line@reddit

Good choice

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Global-Jury8810@reddit

That Family Guy episode where the sing the Tinder song…that’s about what it is!

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Starwaverraver@reddit

Sucks, there should be a serious website for serious people.

I'm surprised the paid ones have undesirables. I'd think they'd get banned if they were reported.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

I had a few banned. As you say why waste the cash if you're not serious. I just wanted a nice chat for a bit to see if I thought we'd be compatible then look to a safe meet up. Blokes were 3 messages in asking to come to my house. Errrr that'll be a no.

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usernames_suck_ok@reddit

What free dating apps??

I just wanted to look around recently and was pissed to find that everyone on Reddit skips over how you have to pay to see/do anything meaningful on all the top-mentioned apps.

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

Huh?! All apps are free…if you want more than the free option, you pay

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silver_tongued_devil@reddit

If an app is free, you existing and feeding algorithms is the price.

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

Plenty of Fish is free

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luxtabula@reddit

step one: post your picture on r/40something

step two: receive a flood of compliments and dms

step three: delete Reddit full of newfound confidence you're normal and touch grass

step four: the cute person at the coffee shop was just waiting for you to say hi the entire time

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Jolly_Line@reddit

Im one of the rare ones that doesn’t do all that. And I still hate it. Happily app-free (and solo, obviously) for 2 years now. 🤷🏽‍♂️

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TrixieLaBouche@reddit

Oh I gave up and stayed free and single!

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Intelligent_Cap9706@reddit

I can’t even get a match to ask me a question about myself or my profile etc. I'm so over it

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BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

All they want is free sex work. Zero connection. And then complain how lonely it is to be a man. Good grief.

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Immediate-Agency6101@reddit

apps can be fun if you're looking a hook up, but there are too many active weirdos in the free ones.

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TheLakeWitch@reddit

This was my experience with online dating back in my late 20s-early 30s. Disappointing to see that it doesn’t change as they get older, but not surprising.

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fistedwithlove@reddit

It's a cesspool out there

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sweetassassin@reddit

My solution is that I secretly pine over someone at work, completely paralyzed to ask if he’s single. I then to continue to act aloof and stand offish whenever we’re in close proximity.

This magnificent exchange only takes place for an hour a week during the department meeting. The other 6 days a week I masterbate to his deep blue eyes… at home, not at my desk.

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Blackbird136@reddit

I (43F, straight) have had horrific luck. It seems that 99.5% of straight men in my area in an appropriate age group for me are married/taken. 0.4% are looking, but only for someone 10-15 years younger.

0.1% are supposedly open to the possibility but then you find out they just wanted sex. Or they “aren’t ready to settle down” — at age 38-45, lmfao.

After being dumped for being “expired” (most likely unable to give him children) by one man after 6 months of dating, another telling me he’s not interested after about a year but is “unable to give me a reason why” yet he still comes sniffing around to this day, and then a third man after WEEKS of talking online just simply says he doesn’t, and never will, have time to meet up?

No thanks, I’m done.

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Magpie_Coin@reddit

That sounds awful. Anyone who calls you “expired” is an asshole and not worth any more of your precious time.

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Blackbird136@reddit

Unfortunately this isn’t uncommon. I don’t know a lot of singles our age (men OR women), but of the ones I do know, all of the women have had this experience at least once (maybe with slightly kinder terms, but meaning still stands), and ALL of the men are dating younger or looking to date younger.

The one who called me expired (who is 39) said that women in their 40s are completely useless to him. Too old to make him a parent but too young to have enough free time to keep the house clean. This would be funny if it wasn’t alarming.

I have completely given up for now because it’s just pointless. Maybe when I’m 60 I’ll have better luck. At my age, I think I’m more likely to win the powerball than find a suitable partner.

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TheDeanof316@reddit

There might be some good guys around 50/early 50s if you're willing to date a bit older. Good luck out there!

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Inevitable_Room2535@reddit

41 straight lady. I've been single for almost a decade LOL which is WILD. Dated pretty regularly through the first half of that time moved to a new city in March of 2020....and we all know what happened then. So that put a damper on the love life for a while. Dated someone for a few months at the start of 2023, but it didn't go anywhere. The rest of 2023 was fucking awful tbh lol so I've just been focusing on getting my personal life in order the past few years.

Finally decided to take the plunge and got on Hinge, unlike previous attempts or the experience of most other folks in this thread I guess, I have found it to be mostly fine haha.

I matched and went on dates with two mostly normal dudes pretty quickly. Neither of them were "bad" just desperately seeking something I wasn't feeling.

The biggest issue is that my job is very social and very busy. I simply do not have the capacity for the level of interaction either of the men I met wanted. Instead of filling my cup I just felt guilty and drained. I've been on my own too long and am too set in my routine. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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lil_grey_alien@reddit

As a xennial man, I apologize for on behalf of all these dumbass men I’m reading about.

I was lucky enough to find my partner 10 years ago on Tinder. We both were sick of the nyc dating scene and instantly hit it off (we realized we had actually met previously while both working an artist market). We got married after a year of dating. Now we have two kids together.

All that said, I have some single male friends that basically quit dating because at this age because most women have kids and it’s a lot of pressure to date a woman and make a connection not only with her but their kid as well. If it doesn’t work out have to end two relationships.

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magsli@reddit

Do your friends still live in nyc ;)

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lil_grey_alien@reddit

Yeah in the ny metro area. A lot of us are in Jersey City

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Express-Cow190@reddit

I met my wife when I was 34. That was hard enough. Never going back again.

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relationshiptossoutt@reddit

Most have been joke answers, but I'll give a real one.

It's awesome. I was with my ex from age 27 to 42. Getting back into the dating world was crazy. I'm 46 now, so I've been at this for 4 years.

I've had a "real" relationship where I met her parents and kids and shit. I had my very first FWB when I realized I wasn't ready for that type of real relationship. I met a woman with whom I had this INSANE sexual chemistry, the likes of which I'd heard about but never felt. I've been pursued by a couple woman, approached by a family friend in an open marriage I knew nothing about, and am currently dating a woman who is knock-out gorgeous and 10 years younger than me who I met at a singles mixer event thing.

I consider myself really pretty average, but dating has taught me that I'm pretty desirable despite being average. I've really gained a lot of confidence in a relatively short amount of time about my ability to attract women and engage in these types of relationships.

It's not without its struggles of course, and I've gone months on the apps with no matches. But generally speaking, it's been a positive in my life.

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Godfodder@reddit

I'm glad to finally find a post to agree with. Same age, also divorced. It's really not that bad out there. In fact it's been shockingly easy. I've had no trouble dating. I've met lots of wonderful people along the way.

Speaking as a man to men, it's not difficult at all to get matches if you've done some work on yourself and you're able to communicate effectively.

This is, of course, assuming you've cultivated a personality not rooted online, and you're not holding onto baggage.

Self awareness goes a long way, and so does humbleness, assertiveness and confidence. Simply put: work on yourself, and have personal goals. Stagnancy is not attractive. But your career, assets, and achievements don't mean shit if you're not the prize. Success is one thing, character is another.

There is absolutely no reason to follow those stupid alpha fucks who think dating is about manipulation. It isn't. It is about having a genuine interest in the other person, and whether or not that person is someone you'd like to see again (and again , and again, until you're asking if it's someone you can build a life with). Don't abandon yourself to make something work.

For the gamers, who seem to have the most trouble: I'm sorry fellas, but gaming is not a desirable personality unless you're looking for a gaming partner. And if you are that is a perfectly acceptable shared interest. But do not expect a girl who is uninterested in gaming to be interested in your gaming, it's like a hunter hitting on a vegan.

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relationshiptossoutt@reddit

You're absolutely right on all this, and I think that is part of why I have thrived at dating in my 40s and I really struggled with it a lot in my 20s.

I wasn't much of a prize in my 20s. I was kind of quiet and shy and reserved. I didn't have great confidence or even a lot going for me in terms of career successes or hobbies.

But in my 40s, it is so much easier. I lean into the parts of life/dating that I am good at. I'm really good at being curious and asking questions, really calm and stable. I don't yell or cause drama. I have a great job, my kids are cute, my life is together, my house is clean. I'm considerate and empathetic. I've been in therapy forever and have worked on my issues. I don't think these qualities were super desirable to women in their 20s, but they seem to be held in very high esteem in my 40s.

I'm not a gamer though, and am not even really friends with gamers. That doesn't even seem like an attractive hobby as a male to me, much less a female.

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Godfodder@reddit

I would describe myself much the same. Maybe we should hook up and become an emotionally attuned powerhouse of a couple.

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Jonesy1138@reddit

….am I the only one that’s actually doing well and enjoying dating in their 40s? I have SO much more confidence in myself and what I bring to the table now. My tolerance for bullshit and dealing with red flags is at an all time low and that has kept me from falling into familiar traps with toxic women.

Sometimes with age comes wisdom, and if you can navigate the dating apps and don’t mind being ghosted from time to time (which is just part of the game these days) you can really clean up. It’s all about confidence and charisma.

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magsli@reddit

44F single for 3ish years. I’m very happy and healthy being childless, never married and with a good career. And I look a lot younger than I am, I am told! But that makes it an even weirder age range to even make friends, too old for younger people, or excluded from things with people my own age simply bc i don’t have spawn.

But if you’re a nice and cool person and genuinely happy to meet people in real life, are game for whatever and put yourself in situations where you’d meet people, making friends can lead to dating. I really hope that’s how it will happen for me again :) You’ll be OK! Life is pretty good- lots of peace

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Sofagirrl79@reddit

I’m 45 but could pass for for 38 without much question,I have no kids either and even though I’m in a committed relationship I still get a few guys under 30 sliding into my DMs sometimes lol

I’m flattered but I wouldn’t know how to relate to someone under 30

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magsli@reddit

It’s hard to relate to people who are even in their early 30s. There are a lot of cultural touchstones that I was already too old for. I do wish i had a partner who was the same age, it is hard to date now. I think those who are married are luckier than me sometimes, but then again the grass is always greener and people our age coupled up might wish for what I have!

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YoureABoneMachine@reddit

The sex is good but the prospects for a relationship are poor. Almost every man I come across is "still figuring out his relationship goals." Which of course means shopping, and I admire the hustle. But I'm tired of first dates no matter how charming they are.

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Xanderson@reddit

I'm a nerdy Asian dude. A real hit with the ladies...

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Rarefindofthemind@reddit

I know a nerdy Asian dude. He became a Dom and he has to beat the ladies off with a stick now (not literally, but close)

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Geochic03@reddit

I'm a nerdy divorced white girl who isn't girly or flirty enough for most men so there is also also that lol.

At 40 i feel I shouldnt have to change who I am fundamentally as a person and neither should you.

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Kon3v@reddit

Everyone our age is in one form or another damaged goods.

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scifithighs@reddit

This is exactly the problem: we're all damaged, but refuse to engage with anyone else's damage - survival instinct. Same fkn instinct that makes us long for connection and intimacy, hahaha, ugh. Ourobouros takes another bite of delicious tail....

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Jolly_Line@reddit

So, level playing field?

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Kon3v@reddit

Depends on what variant of damaged we are.

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dracrecipelanaaaaaaa@reddit

Soulrending.

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statistacktic@reddit

I found my partner of 3 years after 6 months. I actually liked dating people. I learned a lot and had fun. But I live in a big city.

My father (83yo) lost his wife (my stepmom) to dementia and started using dating apps to meet women with limited success in a small city/town with little results until he went to St Petersburg FL for the winter. Now he's basically on a dating spree (so to speak). He's met 3 or 4 women since October and is enjoying it now.

Population density matters with dating apps.

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CorrectPhilosophy245@reddit

GenX interloper here: I just turned 50. It just keeps getting worse. So. Much. Worse. So...y'all have that to look forward to.

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GotWood2024@reddit

who's dating? What's that?

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Kellzy1212@reddit

I’d rather hang out with my cats. It’s rough out there and i either get a guy that is ready to settle down after the second date or just looking for a hook up. It’s fine if that’s what you want, but awful if a relationship is the goal.

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Starwaverraver@reddit

asap

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Arcanisia@reddit

41M. Getting laid is easy. Finding someone to actually build something with is damn near impossible. Everyone is like, you’re great, but look at my matches. I can find better ad infinitum.

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nunja_biznez@reddit

No idea. The thought of it is not at all appealing.

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SlackerDS5@reddit

Not a clue. Been solo leveling all my life.

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Deadline_passed@reddit

It’s crap. Especially online

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geezorious@reddit

The odds are good but the goods are odd.

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midnight-dour@reddit

Never been on a date.

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Webw0lf359@reddit

Neither have I in the traditional sense. Met my future wife at work, I asked her out and we were ‘together’ m. 8 years later we were married, two more separated. Been single for 15 years in Jan. made no attempt to change that.

As an AuDHD with RSD (I take even minor perceived slights, hard) online dating sounds like absolute hell.

I do wish for some company at times beyond my cat and it’s not been a plain sailing mentally but at as I approach 50 I’m resigned to be single and alone for the rest of my time on this rock.

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Grundle95@reddit

I was talking to a newly single friend of mine from my hometown a few months back and he described it as “I’ve tried to date and I’ve met a few cool women out there, but it seems like the topic of meth always comes up by the third date or so.”

I think that may have more to do with where we grew up than with him or with the over 40 dating scene in general though.

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JBNY2025@reddit

Srsly what is it with everyone being on meth these days? The last three women I tried to date both turned out to be addicts. Two active users and one whod been in prison for heroin. These ppl are in their 30's and 40's... they all had kids! Like wtf is going on? I never imagined hard-core drug use would be so difficult to weed out. It's depressing.

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Grundle95@reddit

Beats the hell out of me, sure isn’t my scene. I don’t envy anyone who has to deal with that.

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Rasczak44@reddit

It's dark and full of terror.

gif

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NoNotTheBoreWorms@reddit

Facebook dating is the way to go if you’re over 40.

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pbpluspickles@reddit

Huh. It’s been pretty solid for me. Met one partner a few years ago (he was one of the first people I swiped right on). Met a few more good people who weren’t right as partners, but we’ve become friends. I’m picky about who I swipe right for, which has cut out a lot of the chaff.

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Entire-Acadia-1839@reddit

As a recently divorced person this thread is so depressing. I am happy not dating for now, but I would like the possibility to exist if I ever wanted to but it sounds pretty rough out there.

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Fickle-Profession-95@reddit

Awful. It’s awful. I’ve met the same man dwelling in different bodies multiple times, and that man is a caricature of someone from our generation (or Gen X).

Favorite band? Van Halen Favorite movie? Star Wars Hobbies? Mediocre guitar player/ “photography” Childhood trauma? Hardass dad/ overbearing mom Wishes he’d pursued a more exciting career. Complains about problems within his control but does not do anything to solve said problems. Slightly neurotic about food, clothes, housekeeping. Says he’s an introvert but is actually just lazy and addicted to his phone and/or computer games. Thinks he’s smarter than he really is.

Are all men from our generation like this? No. No they’re not. I know a lot of good, interesting men who are more than this and better than this. But in my experience the single ones often are this.

It’s honestly so exhausting that at the end of my last relationship I decided I was done. I like my own company more than anyone else’s anyway, and I don’t want a guy’s stuff in my house. I don’t want to put up with his friends and family (I’ve got my own), and frankly I don’t want to have to consider someone else’s preferences when I’m making decisions about my life.

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Separate-Relative-83@reddit

I got divorced after 20 years, married young. No kids and no desire to date. I’ve seen what it’s like and I’m not interested.

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cyclepoet77@reddit

Wouldn't really know. I've always been a very solitary person and emotionally walled off. When I was younger and less aware and accepting of myself, I hurt people because of it. Don't want to put myself out there if I feel I can't commit to getting more serious beyond the initial getting to know someone.

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TyGuyy@reddit

This thread has convinced me to just stay single if my wife were to ever leaves me. I'll just hang with friends and play pickleball.

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Sofagirrl79@reddit

Yeah I’m 45 and if my boyfriend goes before I do I’m gonna join a convent or be celibate till I close my eyes lol

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BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

Im really insanely picky and get turned off by people really fast so it generally doesnt turn out great. Ive been off the apps for over 5 years and given up.

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QkaHNk4O7b5xW6O5i4zG@reddit

Dating apps are a very different experience based on your sex and sexuality combination.

It’s a very different average experience for each combination.

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CunnyMaggots@reddit

Last time i was on the apps I matched with 3 different men who all turned out to be looking for free RV parking because their ex wives wanted them out of the driveway.

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Ok_Breakfast5425@reddit

It's a shit show. Everyone either wants a quick lay or to jump right into something serious. So many games and so much fakeness.

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Physical-Name4836@reddit

With all due respect, those are the two options. Casual sex or serious relationship. What is it you want? A perfect three dates, followed up by what exactly? Fucking hell. You’re the problem.

Here’s mine: it’s a nightmare because these people literally don’t know what they want, so you have to figure it out, but there is nothing there to figure out, because they don’t know what they want

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Ok_Breakfast5425@reddit

So you don't think there is any middle ground between a hookup and trying to move in together and talking marriage after a couple of dates? What happened to getting to know someone and just seeing where things go?

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Jolly_Line@reddit

I feel ya. But for me, people are just so fucking weird. Of course I know I am too. But when I compared all my dates to my good friends, they’re just not in the same ballpark. Like how are these two worlds so vastly skewed?

I guess the venn diagrams of those who are dating and those who are in friend circles have zero intersection?

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ihatecatboys@reddit

The gay dating scene where I am doesn't exist outside of apps, and when it comes to those you better buckle in for a night of one of the following: being trauma dumped on, being told a list of polyamory rules they want you to abide by, get compared to every Instagram hottie, be willing to be inundated into every weird fetish subculture you can conceivably imagine.

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0dayssince@reddit

Sounds like straight dating to me.

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Jolly_Line@reddit

💯 was gonna say the same but didn’t want to steal thunder. Very much the same for straights

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TRGBFAN@reddit

I'm so glad Im not the only one who experienced this. It was so disappointing I almost decided to be celibate.. LOL

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

Very few people on the apps or websites want to date or even meet for coffee. People love to play games, are on there for attention, are scammers or catphish, and I have noticed it is very one sided as in I am the one sending messages, communicating, trying to set up dates or in person meets in local places, etc. If there is any hint of drug addiction, severe mental illness, lying/cheating I just do not match or I tell them sorry no thanks.

I am 42M bisexual and the same sex LGBT scene is like you described both online and in gay/LGBT bars. A lot of men just want to have unsafe sex or think taking prep or drives a means it is fine to have unsafe sex with anyone and everyone. Prep might help protect against certain types of HIV most of the time if taken daily and used with condoms only IME most men on it just want completely unsafe sex raw dog and do it that way with everyone. I am not HIV+ and have no STDs. I know people who are HIV+ and some PWA, they have safe sex as they do not want other strains of HIV or other STDs. Also the METH, parTy, and hard drug use is out of control as are the kinks and fetishes fisting, W/S, and rimming seem to be way more common than people want to admit. I did meet bi and gay men into the trauma dump stuff but I knew something was off so I just stopped dating them and ended it and they were bipolar unmedicated, or have BPD and/or NPD.

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

Depends…if you just want a fuck buddy…the works is your oyster…if you want something deeper…it’s like diving for pearls in the ocean

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0dayssince@reddit

It is very very bad. Very bad. Men want sex and I want sex and emotional connections. In my age range they’re either coming off a long marriage and want a replacement wife (aka rebound, which doesn’t last anyway) or they want to be p^ssy hounds, or they’ve been single their whole lives and really enjoy staying single.

If you’re dating just to have fun, it can be fun. I’m looking to find my person, so it has taken a toll on me.

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luxtabula@reddit

I got out right before I turned 40. unfortunately it's a defensive environment that I don't think is well suited for those looking for something more long term or stable. A shame since there are many missing out simply because the world sucks sometimes.

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No-Championship-8677@reddit

I’m 43 (bisexual woman) recently happily divorced, on dating apps. I’m no longer monogamous and am extremely picky about who I want to pursue connections with. I’ve met two great people so far — both are about 10 years younger than I am — and am having fun exploring all of that, though it’s been a whirlwind of emotion and very unexpected.

I’ve found that most men my age have either given up on themselves or are bitter from a divorce. I also won’t date straight men anymore, period. I have a laundry list of other deal breakers too. Finding good people takes a lot of swiping and looking.

So far it’s worked out for me, but I realize my experience is not typical. Hang in there friends ❤️

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CokBlockinWinger@reddit

I’m married, all of my brothers are married, all of my close friends are married. I have absolutely no idea what it’s like out there, except from second hand experience.

My wife’s one best friend was widowed from her husband a few years back. She is gorgeous and knows it, has a boatload of money, three kids, a massive house, and would not settle for her version of less than.

Then she actually hit the dating pool. The types of dudes that hit her up were abysmal. The few she dated were …. I don’t even know where to begin. They all look like her ex-husband, (muscle bound action figures that are full of themselves), are all super controlling, and just overall the worst kinds of people. The one she is with now I’ve seen smack her youngest for such punishable offenses as forgetting his sweater and talking with his mouth full, (the kid is 4 years old).

Like I said, she has everything going for her, is really successful, and her having trouble makes me really glad I’m not out there having to do that again.

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Immediate-Agency6101@reddit

no one should be hit, and certainly not children.

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NotYourSexyNurse@reddit

That poor baby. 😢

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Immediate-Agency6101@reddit

sux ass. seriously.

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Out-There1013@reddit

I've been on a few dating sites for a few years now. Haven't put much work into it as far as sending messages. I dated two, well, technically three women off it and they each messaged me first. Two of them were bipolar and their mental health was a factor in things not progressing into an official relationship. I wish the best for both of them, though. The one goth girl I "technically" dated acted really strange on our own date and then ditched me.

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that anyone who was really cut out for all this to begin with found their someone when we were all in our twenties and it's depressing as hell sometimes but that's how it is.

I just wish I could find a way to meet people who I really have something in common with as a starting point that's better than "oh shit, I'm gonna die alone."

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JeffTS@reddit

I wish I knew. I'm stuck at home being a caregiver for an aging parent. But, I've always sucked at dating anyways.

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arcxjo@reddit

It isn't.

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whyneedaname77@reddit

I'm a single man no kids in his late 40s. Its not fun out there. But I am not ugly. I'm 6'3 and pretty in shape. I can get ladies and they aren't bad. But to match up after being single this long is challenge. I do have a lady friend who I don't know what it is, open relationship or what. I know I like her. When we are together it's always excellent. She doesn't do relationships so whatever. She makes me happy and I can mess around she doesn't care. I don't care if she does either. As long as she's safe.

Find what makes you happy.

Maybe this is my experience but divorced women with kids have zero fucks to give. I was at a bar to watch football and this one called me over. So I went over. She was saying she went cougar mode basically. Just has fun with 20 something year old. I don't think she wanted it just was fun for that time.

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proxminesincomplex@reddit

I’m cautiously watching from the sidelines. At the end of June I was unceremoniously dumped by a guy I really liked and really connected with…so that he could get back with his ex…a second time. It did not end well, and I lost a potential friend from all of that (there were waaaaay too many mixed signals for the connection we had, both emotionally and physically). I’m not ready to put myself through that again, because I still haven’t worked through it. He was the first guy I was seeing after ending a tumultuous 14 year relationship.

I married and divorced early; no kids. I like kids; don’t want to be a parent. I have a career, education, solid but not fancy retirement, house, two great dogs, friends (women and men), and hobbies. Quit drinking years ago (but don’t care if others drink) and drugs were never my thing. What I want is a companion I can get naked with, monogamously. No little kids; grown kids/high school is fine. Let’s hang out, talk, eat together, do fun shit together, and participate in adult activities together. I don’t want to get remarried. I don’t really want to cohabitate, but I’m open to it as long as we each kept our own property. I don’t want a guy’s money (although I’d like for him to be financially stable; I don’t care what the number is and it’s none of my business, but please don’t take my money), and I don’t need anything except attention occasionally. Even though I don’t want to get remarried, I am looking for something long-term. I’m fiercely loyal and when I find a person, he is My Person.

I’m open to guys from early 30s to early 60s, as long as they take care of themselves. Bathe. No current substance abuse. Empathy. Accept that I’m not the most conventional person. Have his own interests and friends and hobbies.

I am okay looking; kind of plain albeit with a lot of tattoos, but in good physical shape. Always working on my mental health. I eat well and exercise and am active and like to be outside. I clean up real nice! My pessimism is my greatest flaw, but it’s rooted in contingency rather than personality, if that makes sense.

You would think it would somewhat less challenging to find someone, but I don’t pique a lot of romantic interest. I can find friends relatively easily (which I don’t begrudge; I’m an extrovert and enjoy the company of others and I know not everyone is that fortunate) but boyfriends/SOs/partners are in short supply.

I am afraid of the apps.

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liberate_tutemet@reddit

After another round with the apps I decided that they’re self harm. There are so few age appropriate men out there on them who are single and suitable to date, let alone my type. It may be geographical but I’m not so sure, we’ll see how well I do organically next year through friends and clubs and just being out more.

As a recently transitioned woman who has fully transitioned and is fortunate enough to flawlessly pass that’s just one more obstacle to get close to someone. It’s tough even when you’re successful and pretty, never married no kids. A helluva dealbreaker I have no control over.

It’s truly frustrating because I feel like I’m in such a wonderful place in my life I’m actualized and healed and free from the issues that kept me from being the right person and picking the right person. Now I just look arimd and basically everyone who was fit to couple up kind of already has. I have to believe there are people out there who, like me, are healed and ready or free from a partner who they found out was no longer a fit. It’s waves of men in dire need of therapy for their insecurities and attachment issues.

Being audaciously delulu has gotten way further than I ever thought it would so I keep holding out hope that someday I’ll meet that kind gentle and handsome man. My partner and my equal and my forever.

I’ll never stop hoping. I’m a hopeful romantic.

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DirtyBirdDawg@reddit

I'm currently in a relationship and while I love my GF, if we ever broke up I'm never dating again. One thing that I have learned over the years is that I'll be fine alone.

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DidsDelight@reddit

Can’t comment personally, but have friends (males) of this generation who say you have to filter the age of 28-35 and it is essentially a smorgasbord of ladies stressed about their biological clock. Good if you want it easy but essentially preying on vulnerabilities. A few rejections can cause these ladies to really go nuts and become damaged goods.

Surely there’s still a way to date old school if you’re patient

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balding_git@reddit

and here i am looking for all the post menopausal women whose kids are grown

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proxminesincomplex@reddit

I’m halfway through peri and don’t want kids; is there hope for women like me?

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Blackbird136@reddit

I’m glad to hear someone say/admit that men our age (roughly 41-47) are only looking to date women 28-35. Because this has been my exact experience. They have no interest in dating their own age. For some it’s because they still want kid(s), but for others it seems to be about power or subordination. 🤢

And then the men who show interest in me could be my father if not my grandfather. Fucking insane.

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lunapearl83@reddit

For me its a nightmare. Its sad. Men dont talk to women in the real world. I dont want to be on apps.

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ChitakuPatch@reddit

hell

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DJWGibson@reddit

Kinda terrible.

The apps are shit, but also a lot better than just going out and meeting random people at bars or through shared activities. Since meeting people socially takes hours and meeting someone on an app takes minutes.
But you also have to get through a lot of bots and time wasters and people who don't want to be honest. Too many photos with tonnes of filters or very carefully curated to only show their best side OR seriously out of date.

And you have to have a reasonable estimation of your "rating." How attractive you are. Which sounds all red pill/ MRA but if you're an average looking person don't only swipe right on super attractive people.

At 40+ you have to be aware all the good people are taken. In your 20s you could easily find a great guy/ gal/ enby that hadn't been partnered yet. In your 30s it becomes harder as most decent people have long term partners. What's left are the damaged people and the ones who focused on "their career" or failed to launch.
But... in your 40s you either have the extra damaged people or those whose first relationship failed. Who are, of course, also damaged. No one gets out of a failed relationship intact...

Dating basically becomes a numbers game. Swipe right on anyone passable and strike up conversations. Go on a date or meet-up within a week to test chemistry. Dump them. Repeat the next week.
Find a really good first line. Know how to start conversations. Figure out the best way to weed out people you will not "click" with.

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BugEquivalents@reddit

This is solid advice. I’d also add that it’s important to be honest about what you’re willing to compromise on and what your dealbreakers are.

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Abidarthegreat@reddit

Two years ago I got married to my coworker just because she's one of the few other humans I have ever met that has seen and can quote Strange Wilderness.

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indigocherry@reddit

I wouldn't know. I'm single by choice and not interested in dating. I like my life as it is.

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Upbeat_Tear3549@reddit

Jesus. I've been married for 19 years now and cannot possibly imagine going through the dating and settling in together at this age. I'm pretty sure if my wife fell over dead tomorrow, that I'd resort to whiskey and whores.

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IndubitableMatt@reddit

46M here. I’ve been seeing someone I met on an app for a little over two years. She’s great, but it’s a different kind of dating than I experienced in my 20s before I got married. I think I’d chalk it up to being in a different season of life now, but when I met her, I didn’t experience the head-over-heels feelings I had when I met my now-ex-wife. We have fun together, but it’s just different. This is kind of depressing to write, but I’ve found dating in my 40s to be like shopping at Goodwill - you’re just trying to find the least broken item.

That said, I feel fortunate to have met my gf because it’s a wasteland out there. I can totally appreciate and relate to what women in this thread are saying about the awful quality of guys out there. But in my experience, it’s not any different for guys. I’ve had so many conversations with the most vapid, self-absorbed women who still play games like they’re in middle school.

I do wonder sometimes if I should just be single. I own my own home, make good money and have two awesome kids and a dog. I don’t really need anyone else.

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FormalMarzipan252@reddit

Horrific.

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Flat-While2521@reddit

I dipped my toes in after the divorce but it wasn’t for me. I left it behind and never looked back. For three years I never considered it at all.

Then, this spring, I noticed her. Like, really noticed her. She had shown up the preceding winter, but hadn’t landed on my radar until just then. It took me a month or so to build up the courage to ask her out, but I finally did.

It’s been six months and we’re going strong. I’m 100% sure she is the love of my life, and I believe that it is only because I took time off from dating to work on myself that I was finally ready to find her.

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Global-Jury8810@reddit

I won’t even do it now. I was in a DV situationship way back in 2013. He was a 91 born. Neither of us were living right. He had charisma with some of the female cops so he basically managed to take the dv to another level by getting police support against me to get me to leave town, which I did and about five years later I did see him after I was released from jail in Los Angeles, he thought he’d bring his “new wife” to beg on the streets of Hollywood to “make me jealous” (I’m fucking serious). We did not directly interact but from a distance I could see that he was directing attention toward me and using his companion to do so. I was surprised to see him because the area we were in did not favor his kind (he’s a racist and tells obvious lies).

My then crew and I were subsequently handed an artisan pizza (we were begging too) that we enjoyed while they were across the street staring at us. Never saw him again after that. But I’m well.

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Wak3upHicks@reddit

Not worth bothering with

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pragmaticweirdo@reddit

While it was pretty bad for me, I don’t think it’s objectively terrible if you know who you are, who you’re looking for, and date with intention. My issue was that I’m just not that attractive, so I gave up after the Nth time of being dumped because they couldn’t find the physical attraction to match how well we got on. Which is to say, I think there are plenty of great people out there who are mature and well-suited for partnership, we just don’t always have access to them for a myriad of reasons. If a person has the fortitude to keep digging, I think we’ve all got a shot of striking gold and having a lot of fun along the way if we’re open to it.

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Sad_Training_1595@reddit

I think this depends on many factors.

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Flimsy_Oven_7569@reddit

Don’t. Do. It.

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Moonskaraos@reddit

It’s a shitshow. I’m child-free by choice and I want the same in a partner. But it’s an endless sea of single moms on the dating apps.

That being said, just about every age group complains about their respective dating pool, so I guess it generally sucks for everyone.

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22220222223224@reddit

Is it close enough if I dated EXTENSIVELY at 37-38? During those years I went on 80+ first dates using apps (I had gotten divorced just a couple years previously and I felt time slipping away to for starting a family). It was pretty easy, once I understood how to create a popular profile (while being slightly above average in appearance).

I was matching maybe 100 times a week, going on two or three dates a week. I lived in my downtown (Phoenix) and when given the option, maybe 70% of women wanted to go on our date a short walk from me, which was incredibly convenient.

I only had three "bad dates" (one because of an IMMEDIATE lack of chemistry; one because of conversation going hilariously off the rails, and one because she looked nothing like her picture). Otherwise, those two years were so incredibly fun. Combine that with it becoming popular to split the bill (even when I offered to pay it) and it wasn't even that expensive.

Ultimately, I only met three women I was interested in enough (and her enough in me) to go on third dates. Of those two, only once made it to date five. That one made it to marriage and two kids.

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