from ITALY to USA
Posted by Hairy-Avocado-445@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 52 comments
I'm italian F30 in a long term relationship with american M36.
We met here in Italy 2 years ago and moved in together after 3 months.
I have a good job here rn, I'm a chef and i work a lot but still make more than the medium average (it took me a lot of time and sacrifices to make 1.7, which I'm aware its a lot here but not really in the USA).
My bf works remote but he's considering going back to school in the USA.
I have 2 cats that I love with all my heart and that would come with us.
I've been to the USA once and kinda liked it there, despite I know that you can't tell if you like somewhere after being there a month.
I also CAN'T stand a lot about Italy and italians and my bf doesnt really like it here (and I share his "hatred" most of the time).
The burocracy to move is not easy because it requires us to get married which is something I have never considered before, furthermore he would be legally responsable for a lot and would be able to "deny" me the VISA whenever "he wants" during the first 3 years.
I've always loved my independence as a woman and I dont love the idea of being "under somebody's control".
I'm in love with him and I'd move there but I'm scared.
aoa_eisim@reddit
I think what you’re feeling is completely understandable. Moving to another country is already scary on its own, but doing it for love while leaving behind your language, habits, job stability, and independence is an even bigger emotional leap.
The fact that you’re scared is probably a good sign, because it means you’re taking the decision seriously instead of romanticizing it.
thing I’d gently say though is that marriage for immigration purposes in the US doesn’t automatically mean becoming “under someone’s control.” Yes, there is sponsorship involved legally, but in healthy international relationships the important thing is whether the dynamic between you already feels respectful and balanced now.
One
Also, don’t underestimate the culture shock. Visiting the US for a month and actually living there permanently are two very different things. Work culture, healthcare, social life, distance from family, and even daily routines can feel completely different from Italy. At the same time, many Italians who never truly felt comfortable here end up thriving abroad because they finally feel more aligned with the mentality around them.
My advice would be not to frame this as a permanent life sentence. You’re not giving away your identity or your freedom. You’re trying a new chapter with someone you love. If it works, amazing. If one day it doesn’t, you’ll still be yourself, with new experiences, new skills, and probably a much clearer understanding of the kind of life you want.
And honestly, the fact that you’re even asking yourself these questions tells me you’re approaching this in a mature and healthy way.
Minute_Relation5084@reddit
Oh wow the comment section here is atrociously negative. If you dislike Italy and have an opportunity to move to the US you should take it. Whether you want to get married or not that is for you and your partner to decide. However… the US is huge and this generalisation of how shit it is is ridiculous. It will vary greatly if you’re in Texas or NY (clearly). I moved to California 6 months ago from a Western European country. I’ve made so many friends and I found that there is so much to do and see because the weather is epic. It all depends on your lifestyle choices and what you enjoy. You decide whether you want to shop at Wholefoods or Walmart. It’s similar in any economically developed country. Life is hard, making choices is hard, also living in Italy is hard unless you are on a high salary which is rare… (my husband is Italian so I’m aware of the situation there). Go for it, you can always return, there are plenty of Italians here who work for Eataly and other Italian owned authentic restaurants if you want familiarity. Life is short, grab the opportunity and take yourself out of your comfort zone while you can.
Rottiesrock@reddit
The US is dog eat dog. Unaffordable housing and healthcare. Shit politics. I want out. 😂
Minute_Relation5084@reddit
Where isn’t though? 😭 Europe is also seeing a huge shift in right wing groups unfortunately. Also huge housing issues and inflation across the board. But of course if you feel like you need a change and it could be possible I would still say do try something new. I mean we moved during this madness in the US, and ya know it’s been challenging but I really needed that.
Rottiesrock@reddit
I am retired, husband still working but can quit any time. We want new horizons. 🌻
Minute_Relation5084@reddit
Even if you travel for several weeks whichever route you decide to take I wish you and your husband all the best 🌞🫶
winter-wolf@reddit
nice to see a reasonable comment. one quirk about americans is that we can be overwhelmingly negative about our country - well I guess it makes sense right now - but I find some of these comments to be a bit too harsh. of course your experience as a European is more grounded and reasonable, as you're able to see some of the positives (still) about the country.
Minute_Relation5084@reddit
Right?! People are so mean!! Of course the political landscape unfortunately is not ideal here and it’s really sad to witness what is happening with ICE etc. But even across Europe the right wing ideology is growing and is in full swing. What I’ve observed is that MANY Europeans in particular are extremely naive about the US in general, most have an overgeneralised opinion that’s overblown and haven’t even went on a holiday here, never mind having lived here.
SimplyExtremist@reddit
Absolutely not. I’m American living in Italy and there is no way in hell I’d bring anyone back to America right now. For what so they can be kidnapped off the street despite their status being legal. Fuck no, not a change.
Cueberry@reddit
Italian here who left IT 30 years ago, time passes, but the same issues persist, so I understand why you want to move. However, I support what others said. Also, if you happen to be a mixed-race couple, get ready for way more disapproving looks and comments than you may get in Italy. Then, from a relationship perspective, I found people in the US to be way too forward (both men & women) for my like. So if you're single and interested to mingle it's fantastic, but if you're not interested or are in a relationship, my experience has been so many didn't seem to care and will hit on you or your bf/husband regardless. Won't bore you now, but I have a lot of stories on the matter. To me, it's disrespectful, but it is a different culture, and to them, it is perfectly normal, just something to be aware.
Secondly, regardless of the sociopolitical situation of any country, I would never move because of a relationship it leaves one open to too many risks and dependency on the partner. The good news is that living away from your own social network (family & friends) will test your relationship way faster and harder so if it's meant to last, it will solidify fast, and if it's not meant to last you will realise it equally fast.
I'd recommend a neutral ground and leave the cats at home until you are really settled because 1. Cats are very sensitive to changes of environment and 2. It's expensive.
_o0ps1e_@reddit
Personally I would advise to stay in EU - maybe move to another country in the EU to experience something different. In the US, you have to pay for EVERYTHING. Healthcare, education, childcare, no paid maternity leave, no paid paternity leave (all dependent on your employer - but nothing covered by the government like in EU). The cost of living, dependent on where you land in the US, is quite high and the quality of life here - is more of a live to work instead of work so you have a life to enjoy.
For your relationship, advise you have a long term one before moving. Marriage should not be rushed and an ultimatum. It will be resented and it will change the dynamic of your relationship. Let your relationship naturally grow and you will see if it has what it takes to withstand time.
ThrowDeepALWAYS@reddit
You need to be together with your boyfriend for at least two full years before even thinking about such a drastic move. Long Distance Relationships usually fail.
crambeaux@reddit
I agree. Move to Ireland for the English or Spain for the weather (they could use some decent food too, open a restaurant) or anywhere in between.
Or Portugal!
I’d hate to have to learn Portuguese though whereas Spanish is intelligible to Italian speakers.
prolly-not1@reddit
This is not the time to come here, wait out this administration, its not worth it
MythologicalRiddle@reddit
Don't move to the US. If you're lucky, it'll take 8 months for you to get a green card so you can work here. That's 8 months of being completely dependent on him, and the longer you have to wait, the harder it will be to get a job. It could take far longer to be permitted to work here, assuming they approve your application at all. Apparently chefs can make decent money in the US but I don't know if that includes health insurance, which is stupidly expensive in the US.
Also, the current regime hates anyone who isn't White, and Italians may not be considered White enough for them. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if people get arrested by ICE just because of their name ("ends in a vowel - must be a Hispanic, which means they're an illegal!"). They're literally arresting people in courtrooms who are in the middle of their hearings to stay in the country and deporting them.
It's a real shit show here right now. Until things turn around (if they turn around!) I can't recommend that you move here.
ak4338@reddit
You'll have to get married to go to the US with him, too.
machine-conservator@reddit
Strongly urge you not to do that right now. In the current climate in the US you would be painting a target on yourself by immigrating. The immigration authorities there have been given an edict to maximize enforcement, and it is not at all limited to the 'wrong' type of immigrants.
If you really want to stay with the guy, and want to leave Italy anyway, maybe consider a third country in the EU that is neutral ground for both if you, so to speak?
mintjulep_@reddit
Girl no. I’m in the opposite, I’m Swiss (grew up in Italy - Piemonte e Puglia) married to an American. We’re planning our move to Italy, from California.
US is not the place right now. There’s no jobs, housing, value of the $ is crap, there’s no community, it’s not good.
crambeaux@reddit
You just made me realize op could change regions in Italy, too. I love Rome where I lived for three years but felt like a foreigner in a foreign place anywhere else in Italy.
mintjulep_@reddit
She could go anywhere in EU really, and yeah moving between regions is easy.
Finding a chef job in the US would be challenging because who’s eating out anymore!??
phillyphilly19@reddit
Except he wants to return home.
mintjulep_@reddit
tell him home is where the heart is...he probably hates it because he doesn't speak Italian and works from home.
phillyphilly19@reddit
Listen even though I would love to retire there is it's very hard to live in Italy. The US looks like a Bastion of efficiency compared to Italy
theytookallthecash@reddit
Value of the dollar is going to crash out eventually. I'm investing in silver for the first time because I see no hope for the dollar staying strong. Don't do it OP!
Ill-Supermarket-2706@reddit
It depends a lot on where in the US you’d be moving. You’ll probably be ok in blue states but the cities are expensive and you need to consider how much he is going to earn considering you may not be able to work right away. If he’s going back to school will he keep working alongside it? Red states personally are a NO NO - I’m Italian and you’d trade small town mentality from Italy with small town mentality where you’re the immigrant plus risk of death if you happen to get pregnant and need emergency termination
_Heaven@reddit
OP you're asking a highly politically biased collective of people what they think you should do with your life. We would welcome you in the US, especially the South. Reddit doesn't reflect reality. Try asking an expat Facebook group for genuine/real advice.
chinacatlady@reddit
I recommend you take a look at the s/USCIS to understand the realities of immigrating to the U.S. and the bureaucracy you will need to deal with. I work with Italian immigration and on my worst day I would not want to deal with immigration in the U.S., especially with the current administration. I base this on my work with licensed attorneys in the USA who specialize in immigration.
lovepeacefakepiano@reddit
Oh dear this. We used a lawyer (expensive) and there were STILL times where I wanted to bash my head in, and/or give up. And that was with my partner sitting right next to me and us doing it all together. If he had been in a different country - not a chance, I’d have thrown in the towel (on the move, not the relationship). It was SO hard.
Villide@reddit
Two things - first, the "where" matters. You'll have incredibly diverse experiences here, depending on what part of the country you're in. Even within individual states, you'll see the same.
Second, I'm not sure the timing is great right now even to be a "legal" immigrant in the US. The government has a well funded gestapo-equivalent that's massively funded, and doesn't necessarily care about things like due process.
It sounds to me that you like your life in Italy. If it was me, I'd wait a few years before making that leap.
forreddituse2@reddit
As long as you and your boyfriend are financially equal, marriage is quite simple. A marriage certificate and an Apostille open the door to the US. Several years later after you obtain the PR status in the US, you will be fully independent again. (Even if your husband does domestic violence on you which leads to divorce, laws will protect your immigration status.)
StrikingVariation199@reddit
I know several immigrants married to US Citizens and they are still trying to gain citizenship, it's no longer a guarantee and will only continue to get harder with this current administration.
forreddituse2@reddit
OP is Italian, so no insane wait list like Indian and Chinese. The immigration office probably even won't ask for an interview.
StrikingVariation199@reddit
Considering the current administration is talking about eliminating birthright citizenship I wouldn't be so encouraged.
Unfair_Chipmunk_2305@reddit
Stay in Italy, have a long distance relationship or break up and get over it. Your relationship is too short to get married and give a person that much power to misuse. Keep your independence and if it’s meant to be then you won’t need to take these quick drastic steps.
Gunzhard22@reddit
This. If he wants to bring you there it's clear he doesn't give a fuck about you.
Difficult_Pop8262@reddit
You are drowning in overthinking.
First, you are not in someone's control. You are allowed to stay there because he has the right to have you there. Worst case, you jump on a plane back to Italy and that's that.
Second, blahblah independence that doesn't allow yourself to trust the move and trust the change. You can go back to being independent whenever you want. Laying your trust into someone and feeling some has your back is also very nice.
And then you are scared. Scared of what? If things fail you are back in Italy and your life resumes or you stay in the US or whatever. The future just unfolds as we live, there's no point in trying to control it too much.
One thing is certain: you can't stand Italian culture. It will do you good to get out, enjoy a new environment and get some new perspectives. If you are both unhappy here and the goal of life is to learn WHILE being as happy as possible, why stay?
crambeaux@reddit
I agree. It’s not a one way trip forever and ever. That said I say again go somewhere in Europe.
theytookallthecash@reddit
I'd move somewhere else in Europe if you don't like Italy. Stay there and work on your career. It will be very hard to start your career here as a chef. The restaurant industry is totally bonkers and you have to work your way up from the bottom all over again.
Also, this is part of maybe the conspiracy theory in my head but a lot of the philosophies (if you can call it that) of the people who have taken over the US have are based on hatred of Italians specifically. There was a text written in 1919 or so, I can't think of the name right now, but it was in response to the Italian immigration to America. And then other, more recent texts were more or less based on that.
Right now ICE/tRump are mostly targeting brown immigrants. But it will only be a matter of time before they start targeting white Americans with the "wrong" ancestry. A lot of people in power hate anyone who doesn't have Anglo-Saxon heritage.
I haven't really seen this talked about and surely, it's mostly speculation based on the moment, but I think of all the white people, Italian Americans are probably high on the shit list. I'm Italian American (3rd generation) myself, so I pay attention to this stuff.
Hairy-Avocado-445@reddit (OP)
Can I ask you where do you live?
nofunatallthisguy@reddit
I am not the person you are addressing but I lived halfway between NYC and Albany until June 30th and I agree with the general sentiment of the comment. For example, the opening of the Wikipedia entry on the KKK says that they are a terrorist group that have historically oppressed various groups, "most notably African Americans, Jews, and Catholics." (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ku_Klux_Klan) you may be white, but you would not be as white as me, and neither one of us is a Heritage American™.
At any point during my lifetime, I could also ask you if you want to drive everywhere and be quite possibly dependent on your employer or perhaps even your husband's employer for your access to Healthcare, or will really be satisfied with the food culture. But nowadays, even if you are not part of some group that is targeted sooner or later, will you want to parse the differences between yourself and the person from your town who got tackled by federal authorities in front of her kids, and yours?
theytookallthecash@reddit
Italian Americans have a lot of pride and see themselves as white but it seems very clear to me that they aren't that far down on the list of being targets. Again, just speculation. But thanks for confirming I'm not alone in my thoughts. I'd done some reading and listening on this topic but haven't really talked about it with that many people.
theytookallthecash@reddit
I live in the northeastern US and am from an area that had a large Italian immigrant population.
Just something to consider, but you see all this pandering to Italian Americans, especially Italian American men, via the Christopher Columbus nonsense. This administration likes to tokenize certain groups to get loyalty and then they throw them away when they're no longer useful.
I just sort of skimmed this article but it puts what I'm saying in a more academic sense. All the anti-immigrant sentiment that the US has now stems from the early 1900s and the influx of Italians along with other groups: https://apps.bostonglobe.com/magazine/graphics/2017/01/immigration/
Heather Cox Richardson has also covered this recently on her talks on her YouTube channel, if you want to take a look.
No one knows what's going to happen and what I'm saying is just my own speculation, but the playbook they're using for Project 2025 directly stems from texts written after the influx of of Italians. In other words, who is "white" is going to be up for discussion sooner rather than later. They seem to be moving very fast with many of their goals. Unfortunately.
StrikingVariation199@reddit
Just a heads up, with the current administration, marrying an American is no longer a guarantee that you will receive citizenship. I strongly recommend staying there and having him move there. If you aren't happy in Italy, I would personally move with or without him to another area of the EU.
lakesaregood@reddit
The USA is a horrible place to be right now. I personally wouldn’t even think of moving here until the political climate settles down.
bellaprincipessa96@reddit
You need to decide if you actually like the US
Emotional-Bit-4222@reddit
People here do not give good advice because they envy happiness, beware.
iosphonebayarea@reddit
Stay in Italy. Have him move there or move on. The US is not the place to move to right now. You have a job as a chef. You may have difficulty finding a job here and you will lack job security
DutchieinUS@reddit
I think you need to educate yourself a little more on the process. He can’t just deny you anything just because he wants to, you will have rights. I moved to the US on a spousal visa which meant that I was able to work immediately, so you don’t have to be financially dependent at all. You won’t be under his control as you describe it.
Constantia789@reddit
I think you have some options without marriage. Where in the US would you be based? You could apply for a B1/B2 visitor visa and stay theoretically up to six months. You would not be able to work and would need travel health insurance, but if you are in a city with your chef experience you could probably get someone to hire you in a kitchen there and likely triple your current salary. This way you could try it and see if you like it. If you decided to stay then the process would be that you would need to return to Italy and then get a K fiancé visa (you technically could adjust status in the US but given the current immigration clusterfuck in the US I would recommend doing things above board). Just my thoughts, good luck to you.
kevley26@reddit
Sounds like you should go based off your reasons. You have three reasons for moving: you love your BF, you like the US, you don't like Italy. And one reason against: you would need to get married. Unless getting married to someone you are in love with is a big deal breaker, you should move. I don't think doing this means you are "under somebody's control". Worst case is that you end up breaking up and you have to move back to Italy.
Shoddy_Wrongdoer_559@reddit
you literally couldn’t pay me enough to marry someone for immigration purposes. divorce can be so ugly, time consuming and expensive i would have to be incredibly in love with someone to get married again.
i would suggest looking at r/iwantout (there’s a specific moving to america one, it might be r/movetousa ?) that’s good for this kind of stuff.
international moves are indescribably difficult and expensive. from what i’ve read in your post, what i would suggest is stacking bread and doing some travel, there might be an easier option.
Deval_Dragon@reddit
International moves are difficult. From what you describe, you would probably be better off staying in Italy and find someone else.