ULPT : How do I get a runny/congested nose?
Posted by Critical_Mango_9398@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 66 comments
Alright, so I’ve been working at a place for about three weeks. We just had a week-long holiday break, and I’ve been feeling meh my body aches my chest hurts, and my throat is sore. I have a slight fever, though nothing my workplace would officially call “sick.” I’ve been like this for three days, without any other flu symptoms.
I’m supposed to work tomorrow, but I’d like to have a runny nose so my external appearance matches how I feel internally. Any tips on how to simulate a runny or congested nose? Please, no “just be honest” advice.
cannibliss1738@reddit
Suck it up and go to work.
Camperthedog@reddit
Don’t sniff a bunch of drugs
Baguetele@reddit
It doesn't matter what your workplace would call sick. What matters is what your doctor names it.
Go to a doctor, get a sick note. Slight fever is sick.
😉 and, lookie here, Stephen, don't you fucking dare bring your cooties to the workplace around me. I already have underlying issues without getting contaminated! 🤣
Just kidding, kidding.
No_Educator_6376@reddit
Spend 15 minutes inside a walk in cooler or freezer
mrfuzzyshorts@reddit
Hold your head slanted downward for 15-20 mins.
This happens to me every time i go to the therapist and am laying face down. After about 15/20 mins, my nose is all stuffed up and sniffing
No_Educator_6376@reddit
Interesting I’ll try it
DuckRubberDuck@reddit
Might actually work, cold doesn’t make you more sick, but if you’re already sick as OP said, it could work. Of they could get pneumonia
No_Educator_6376@reddit
Every time I get cold my nose runs and I can’t be the only one ☝️
DuckRubberDuck@reddit
Hm sometimes, mainly if it’s windy for me, but it goes away when I get back inside
I advices them to snort pepper lol. It will irritate the sinuses
No_Educator_6376@reddit
That should work
drezdogge@reddit
OD on saline spray
Vegetable-Branch-740@reddit
Just call in sick for 2 days. It’s more believable than being sick for 1 day only. Go back, but make sure you look like shit when you get there.
r1v3r_fae@reddit
Poppers will clog up your nose
Correct_Cup_6478@reddit
If you have chest pain please call 911. That is a life threatening emergency
Critical_Mango_9398@reddit (OP)
Its like covid type of chest pain. Like my airways feels congested
boots_down@reddit
Like I commented under someone else, this sounds like the new Covid strain. My husband and I had it almost two months ago, and they kept making him come in because it “wasn’t serious enough” (it got me harder than him). Next week, everyone at his job is complaining of being fatigued and a runny nose/congestion.
I know this is ULPT, but I’d def recommend at least getting a test for it.
puggydmalls@reddit
fake a positive on a COVID test ?
ShoddyJuggernaut975@reddit
Or, based on the symptoms, just take a covid test.
boots_down@reddit
I had the newer strain almost two months ago and this is Exactly it. It started like my (more usual than I’d expect) sinus infections so I didn’t think much of it, but got a positive Covid diagnosis after deciding it was time for urgent care.
AnEmptyMask@reddit
Put a little bit of mint chapstick on your lower eyelid. It will feel bad, but your eyes and nose will run. You will look sick. The sideffect is being very uncomfortable.
Critical_Mango_9398@reddit (OP)
Will pain relieving ointment work? Like tiger balm ?
AnEmptyMask@reddit
Yes. But that will be even more uncomfortable.
breezyneeks@reddit
Hit a couple blinkers of the penjamin
Mysterious_Celery_29@reddit
Find something really sad and cry for half an hour.
Throwaway_hoarder_@reddit
Take a Covid test (and make sure you do it the right way, with throat and all that) and it could possibly answer your prayers!
BubblebreathDragon@reddit
It shouldn't be up to someone's work to decide if you're sick. They aren't doctors - I presume. And if they are, they aren't your doctors. Just say you're too sick to come in and the rest is none of their business.
If necessary say there's vomiting and diarrhea and then just say oh god and abruptly hang up.
You don't need to make your actual symptoms align with anything. Don't harm yourself for your employer.
LifeguardNo9762@reddit
A runny nose? That’s all you want?? Why not take some MiraLAX and have explosive shits?? Why not take some activated charcoal and puke everywhere?
You need to reach higher. Go ALL in on this!!! Sure .. you can also have the runny nose while you puke on your bosses desk, but don’t just limit it to that!
naruzopsycho@reddit
puke on the desk AND crap in the trashcan!
but I'm guessing OP doesn't want to get straight up fired
No-Fig-2665@reddit
Eat spicy food/snuff a little pepper to really get the nose running.
Or you know spend 5 minutes around my toddleeb
Critical_Mango_9398@reddit (OP)
Yeah I tried eating hot pepper and it did nothing :/
Lol yeah kids are biohazard
Shadowfalx@reddit
Don't just eat the pepper. Grind it up and apply the "juice" to your nose and eyes.
Basically, pepper spray yourself
naruzopsycho@reddit
I'm thinking "pepper spray yourself" deserves to be a top-level comment
trevb75@reddit
Also apply some rouge around your nostrils to simulate excessive use of tissues
Troiswallofhair@reddit
Or crawl through a McDonald’s play land tunnel. You might get the plague but at least there won’t be any doubt from your boss that you’re ill.
HRgirlie123@reddit
Sorry, I am just curious. You live in the US? I thought you havr sick days or something like that, can't you call in sick?
Critical_Cat_8162@reddit
Just get up and go to the washroom every 30 minutes. If someone comes in, just lean over the sink and splash water on your face and complain about cramps and dizziness. Pinch your cheeks to make them red. Doesn't hurt to come out of the bathroom with the front of your hair a little wet, too.
imnottheoneipromise@reddit
Snorting coke will do it
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
Spicy food?
Simple_Mastodon9220@reddit
Do some nasal drugs
Fairy_Cave_Of_Wonder@reddit
Say that it’s a stomach flu, & that you’ve had vomiting & diarrhoea. You can’t be around other people, if you’re potentially infectious. Also, with this type of illness, you really should be 48hrs clear of any symptoms before returning to work. So, as a biohazard bonus, you’d get an extra 2 days off (or more, if your imaginary symptoms persist) lol
pinetreeclimbing@reddit
Take 7oh for a few days, maybe a week. Got the worst congested nose, muscle spasms, fatigue, etc from the WDs.
purplechunkymonkey@reddit
Watch something that will make you cry.
essieecks@reddit
Just make sniffing noises constantly. Take a roll of TP from the bathroom, and keep piling up scrunched up wads of it on your desk after making nose blowing noises.
Fill your own wastebasket with them, then start taking handfuls of them to neighboring desks to throw away.
CoderJoe1@reddit
I tell my employees that sick days can be used when you're sick of work.
They earned them.
Lepardopterra@reddit
Confession time: At 14, i discovered I could give myself a total asthma wheeze by simply huffing a few breaths over a bottle of lemon juice (or vinegar.) i was in a new school that year and used this one simple trick several times a week. Mom thought the apartment had mold or something.
I’d forgotten about it until i read this.
dragginFly@reddit
A little soap on the tip of your finger and then, when you need it, rub it into your eyes - they'll water and your nose will start running.
gogozrx@reddit
Cocaine
sendbooba@reddit
cig ash
FormidableMistress@reddit
Are you allergic to anything? Go sniff some ragweed or something like that.
mamaleigh05@reddit
Keep sniffing a nasal spray in secret and let it drip out (at work) Or if you have more time, sniff some pepper if it’s before a phone call. Put some Kleenex up your nostrils if you are calling in sick. Or where some Kleenex stuffed up your nose, cough a lot, pretend to spit sputum out in your garbage can after a big snuff noise. They’ll send you home!
DuckRubberDuck@reddit
Yes to the pepper. I had a friend snort all sorts of weird stuff at parties when we were young and stupid. He tried snort lemon, wasabi, pepper, stuff like that
mamaleigh05@reddit
Keep sniffing a nasal spray in secret and let it drip out (at work) Or if you have more time, sniff some pepper if it’s before a phone call. Put some Kleenex up your nostrils if you are calling in sick. Or where some Kleenex stuffed up your nose, cough a lot, pretend to spit sputum out in your garbage can after a big snuff noise. Theylll send you home!
InternalCombustion96@reddit
open your pepper container, insert nostrils, inhale deeply thru nose. guaranteed to make you sound sick af.
mellywheats@reddit
go outside when it’s cold out
Just_Here_So_Briefly@reddit
Go lick a park bench or the door handles at a hospital.
brofist001@reddit
a lot of cocaine will help you out
Classic_Cauliflower4@reddit
Find a dusty corner. Run your fingers through the dust, then rub your eyes. Even if you’re not allergic, that should get your upper sinus area into panic mode.
12345vzp@reddit
Yikes they'll just get conjunctivitis lol
grippysockgang@reddit
Blow-Caine? Jk
grippysockgang@reddit
Maybe a really hot pepper? Makes my nose run
RocknRoll_Grandma@reddit
Truly unethical advice: cocaine, but the side effects of euphoria, fast talking, and spit in the corners of your mouth might give you away.
Eather-Village-1916@reddit
Even something like pixie stick dust would work though too lol
Personally I’d probably chop up an aspirin or something and snort that instead. The chalk in pills is great at making your nose stuff up lol
Critical_Mango_9398@reddit (OP)
Idk if it's worth all that trouble
ShabbyBash@reddit
Okay... So....
Today, I swallowed a big fat pill that got stuck in my oesophagus. I dripped from my eyes, my nose and copious amouns of spot and phlegm till a gastroenterologist went in with an endoscope and extracted it.
Do what you will with this.
fingers@reddit
a ruined sinus drain from a neti pot. Start it and don't finish it.
Add chili oil for extra spicy drips
DuckRubberDuck@reddit
Snort pepper, it’ll burn and irritate your sinuses.