ULPT Request: Persistent bike thief targeting my locked bike nightly (using automated lock-cracking device?)

[-]

Silent-Usual-556@reddit

I say it's craft time with glue or honey.. and glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. Spray paint and glitter on top. Do you own a paintball gun? That could be fun as well. Pepper that jerk with paintballs. Maybe find some capsicum and inject the paintballs with that. It's really super strong hot Pepper oil. So if you know when he shows up. Have a high-powered squirt gun with capsicum and bright pink coloring in it. Nail him with it. So everyone will know he is a thief and that you caught him. He will be miserable from the hot Pepper oil. Just make sure you wear thick gloves and goggles when handling the capsicum. You don't want to get it on your skin anywhere. Especially your eyes and private parts. Good luck. I hope you get him good with this advice.

[-]

janetylerdeluxe@reddit

Remote control fart machine attached under the seat

[-]

honeybeast_dom@reddit

Leave unlocked but with brake cut

[-]

bc60008@reddit

Found Satan.

I've missed you. How come you never return my calls? 🤨🥰

[-]

the_darkishknight@reddit

If it’s the same guy over and over and you know the place and you have a rough idea of the time, it seems like a good place to practice your golf club swing or cricket bat or whatever you have in your country.

[-]

Krynja@reddit

Sling shot with steel balls. Make sure you clean the steel and use gloves so your fingerprints aren't on them.

[-]

GardeningTechie@reddit

There are snap together silicone ice trays to make balls of frozen water. Should shatter, and unlikely to retain usable prints even in ideal circumstances.

[-]

Krynja@reddit

I like the cut of your jib

[-]

Digitalabia@reddit

freeze paint balls

[-]

ColdSmashedPotatoes4@reddit

Aged paint balls do the same.... those fuckers are like ROCKS

[-]

virtualadept@reddit

If you freeze them for ten to twelve months, they may as well be rocks. Aim for the small of the back or between the target's ass cheeks.

[-]

virtualadept@reddit

Those work very well, especially if you use a paintball gun and not a slingshot. Great for keeping people from wrecking your Halloween diorama outside.

[-]

Paevatar@reddit

Instead of piss discs, freeze pee balls

[-]

Spazmic@reddit

Freeze liquid ass

[-]

psychorev@reddit

Now these are the ULPTs I was looking for!

[-]

ADHDeez_Nutz420@reddit

I had to double take to check what sub im in. Thats fucking evil and amazing. I love it

[-]

DrCash_CrLife@reddit

Don't forget the sock. Never forget the sock.

[-]

Ok-Bit4971@reddit

As in, lock-in-a-sock?

[-]

DrCash_CrLife@reddit

Put a sock over the bat/club so, when the person you hit tries to grab your weapon, they end up holding a sock and you get a second swing. Though I’d recommend a .22 wireless hole punch if you live in the land of the free.

[-]

Ok-Bit4971@reddit

Put a sock over the bat/club so, when the person you hit tries to grab your weapon, they end up holding a sock and you get a second swing.

That's absolutely brilliant

[-]

Key-Candle8141@reddit

Its absolutely standard 😉

[-]

DrCash_CrLife@reddit

Bro where did you grow up not having to know that? I have money now please let me in

[-]

Ok-Bit4971@reddit

Northeastern USA, in the suburbs

[-]

the_darkishknight@reddit

A night sock, for double the disrespect

[-]

AlpacaSwimTeam@reddit

Make it a team sport!

[-]

No-Procedure5991@reddit

The tennis coach says "keep your elbow straight and follow through".

[-]

Scooter-breath@reddit

Wood choppers say 'hold my beer'.

[-]

racermd@reddit

Mmhm. Yes, I see, officer. Well, best I can tell, he slipped on this freshly waxed floor and into the open elevator shaft that’s undergoing maintenance, as you can see by the signs here. He really should have been more careful. Oh? The bullets? I guess he landed on those at the bottom? I don’t really “do” guns so I wouldn’t know what else to tell you.

[-]

Scooter-breath@reddit

Suiicide, definitely.

[-]

Toucan_Son_of_Sam@reddit

Blanket party!

[-]

Liveitup1999@reddit

Absolutely, bring your friends to participate in the fun.

[-]

heyitscory@reddit

"I was just cutting my lawn with a scythe. I don't know how that half-a-thief got here."

[-]

Abner_Mality_64@reddit

"It's the worst case of cutting in half I've ever seen!"

[-]

ItPutsLotionOnItSkin@reddit

He won't be able to take a bike with no legs

[-]

RazorRadick@reddit

Seriously, get all your neighbors together and give the thief a thrashing ...er... talking to, and convince him to seek a different line of work.

[-]

StarChaser_Tyger@reddit

It takes a village to beat a bitch.

[-]

Mnkeemagick@reddit

Did y'all know small jawbreakers make a loud cracking sound and splinter into lots of sharp little shards that will dissolve quickly on impact after being fired from a slingshot?

[-]

Wrong_Discipline1823@reddit

One thing, hide a tracking device on the bike.

[-]

flatulexcelent@reddit

Don't use a combination lock on your bike. If it's a regular combo lock they are pretty easy to "pick".

[-]

Ebonfel@reddit

Paintball guns with marbles in them

[-]

No_Noise09@reddit

Balloon full of chili powder or other strong seasoning. Mix with water or cooking oil. Test your aim beforehand.

[-]

AttackCircus@reddit

Paintball gun.

[-]

storala@reddit

I mounted a loud 130dB alarm to mine that absolutely rips eardrums if the bike is touched or moved. Scares the shit out of people and is a perfect deterrent. I’d still support the golf club approach, seriously fuck these guys!!!

[-]

J_A_GOFF@reddit

https://i.redd.it/nbgkkrt87myf1.gif

[-]

bluephotoshop@reddit

Bring your bike into your house or apartment. Keeping it outside is like extending an invitation to a thief.

[-]

SweetHatDisc@reddit

Ice cube slingshot.

Don't actually do this, you'll kill someone.

[-]

WantonWord@reddit

No you won't. I have a slingshot for aggressive raccoons (trash pandas) and I assure you, all they do is flinch. I shot one in a tree NINE TIMES, and the pig still keeps coming back to pig on cat food. Pig pig pig pig.

[-]

WASP_Apologist@reddit

You leave out cat food and complain about the wildlife who come to feed at your outdoor cafeteria?

[-]

WantonWord@reddit

I like the skunks and possums, they have some and wander off. The raccoons will get aggressive, have broken five dishes so far when trying to drag the whole dish away, and nothing deters them, even the couple who've gotten a swift kick in the rear. They will take every last morsel. They may look cute to some, but they are wild boar with fur. Nasty and destructive.

[-]

RogueThneed@reddit

Raccoons have thick protective coats for protection. Most humans do not.

[-]

Professional-Eye5977@reddit

You are putting food outside and judging wild animala for eating it. Jfc

[-]

Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

It does kinda lend credence to their other claim however.😅

[-]

WantonWord@reddit

Wait for the thief with a machete and rock out like it's the Wolves taking Alexandria. Yell first, and don't actually kill/strike them, but any dumb fornicator who comes back after someone with a machete makes their feelings clear...well, next time don't bother yelling first.

[-]

Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

I find your willingness to propose lethal force a delightfully interesting juxtaposition with the choice not to cuss. A kindly good day to you.

[-]

WantonWord@reddit

Violence is a very last option, and I really strive. May your day be blessed and may you find random good fortune!

[-]

Key-Candle8141@reddit

Yelling is a give away you dont want to use the weapon... which is a great way to get it used on you

Seen this more than once

[-]

RachelConnollyjr@reddit

Super glue razer blades to an area he'll grab but cannot see.

[-]

Munnin41@reddit

That's illegal, not just unethical.

[-]

Pommefrite21@reddit

Yeah stealing a bike is also illegal and yet clearly per OP those rules aren’t enforced. So it’s safe to assume legality isn’t really a factor here short of extreme violence.

[-]

Henri_Bemis@reddit

The fuck you call shredding someone’s hands with razor blades? If you’d read can’t think of anything that doesn’t maim someone, you’re not trying hard enough.

[-]

HeebieBeeGees@reddit

gif

"It wasn't me, your honor"

[-]

Humble_Ladder@reddit

Depending how predictable his timing is, just super glue.

[-]

N1TEKN1GHT@reddit

...............................bring it in the house?

[-]

cobrakai15@reddit

gif

Gather up the mates at the milk bar before he comes calling.

[-]

Grineatingshit@reddit

Not mates... droogs 😎

[-]

CoolDragon@reddit

Drano on the skull

[-]

Cuneus-Maximus@reddit

Super soaker filled with piss and liquid ass.

[-]

YouArentReallyThere@reddit

Fuck that. Red clothing dye and fox piss

[-]

Thatguy468@reddit

Don’t forget the superfine glitter

[-]

Fenelthin@reddit

Mica powder is also horrendous

[-]

ADHDeez_Nutz420@reddit

Ah yes, while glitter is craft herpes....a 5ml pot of mica powdered being spilled will fuck up your year.

[-]

ExpressCap1302@reddit

Gazoline smells too, especially if the temperature is right.

[-]

spiritsarise@reddit

And a letter to his mother describing his antisocial behaviour can be a devastating deterrent.

[-]

TedW@reddit

Goats blood from a monkey with super COVID!

[-]

FaagenDazs@reddit

Goats blood... from a monkey...

[-]

TedW@reddit

Has science gone too far? Or not far enough..

[-]

vodiak@reddit

They're all going to laugh at him!

[-]

vandon@reddit

Fox urine is sold in many home improvement and garden stores as a small animal repellent.

Do NOT get it on your hands. The smell is difficult to wash off.

[-]

tpet007@reddit

Upgrade the tank and all tubing with PTFE, then you can fill it with HF. They probably won’t ever figure out it wasn’t water, and they won’t have any clue why they had a random heart attack in the hours/days following.

[-]

LazyAssLeader@reddit

Liquid as is.......?

[-]

_dead_and_broken@reddit

It's what it sounds like. It's a novelty liquid usually sold in spray bottles that smells like the asshole of a dude who ate nothing but cabbage and beans for a week, had an animal crawl up his ass and die, and then he unleashed that built up horror in a portapotty that was left to bake in the Florida sun.

They sell it online these days, but back in my day you'd find it in Spencer's Gifts located at any American mall.

[-]

Ok-Bit4971@reddit

but back in my day you'd find it in Spencer's Gifts located at any American mall.

80s flashback! Seriously, that place was cool.

[-]

Cuneus-Maximus@reddit

Liquid ASS

[-]

therenegade42069@reddit

“You gonna squirt me with water?”

“It’s not water…”

“What is it then?”

“PISS!” noises of Fred Savage being an absolute menace in that one movie where he squirts a bully with a piss gun

[-]

BuiltMackTough@reddit

Was that the boy who could fly? Or little monsters?

[-]

therenegade42069@reddit

I think it’s little monsters? I only know it from the MBMBaM episode, “Fred Savage: Piss Warrior” lmao

[-]

BuiltMackTough@reddit

Yeah, thinking about it, he wasn't all that rowdy in the boy who could fly

[-]

UserCheckNamesOut@reddit

Cyanotype fluid will stain skin shit brown

[-]

Cuneus-Maximus@reddit

Nice

[-]

Queasy_Question_2512@reddit

Found Robert Evans reddit account

[-]

Think-Committee-4394@reddit

Shits gonna get real

[-]

Cow_Daddy@reddit

With food grade glitter. Food grade won't clog the super soaker hose. Smell like ass, and look like an extra from Twilight for a few months

[-]

ComprehensiveRoof995@reddit

This is the way

[-]

NamelessIII@reddit

More combination locks with longer combinations

[-]

Lopsided-Bench-1347@reddit

A cattle prod with some wires carefully crafted can be shockingly effective

[-]

headnt8888@reddit

Remove the seat of an evening and replace with a large drill bit or oversized cork screw.

[-]

Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

What if that's their kink?

[-]

headnt8888@reddit

Good point, they might already have such devices fitted.

Perhaps, this is why they are having this problem ??

If so, an Algerian Hook fitted might detain the culprit.

[-]

ATrueLady@reddit

There are some tracking dies you can slather over your lock that will wash off the metal but stain his skin and clothing for a while. You've watched him enough times, just put the dye where he tends to touch the bike. Make it a very visible color. It'll get all over him and be annoyingly difficult to get off.

[-]

brothertuck@reddit

Not sure how this might work, but getting those wing nuts for the axle, and take the wheel or wheels with you. Also an anti theft horse collar type of thing

[-]

Old_fart5070@reddit

Time for a glitter/stink/dye bomb on the lock. A cloud of liquid fart should be an effective deterrent.

[-]

Over-Bug1501@reddit

Move your bike

[-]

Skeggy-@reddit

Paintball gun with frozen paintballs. Light em up

[-]

Pristine-Ad-469@reddit

My favorite answers are the ones that give a legit answer but still reference piss or liquid ass

[-]

tree_squid@reddit

pepper balls, you can just buy them on Amazon. Fuck this loser, don't just make him stink, make him cry.

[-]

razzemmatazz@reddit

Then you just have piss spots on your lawn lol.

[-]

Krynja@reddit

Paintballs soaked in gasoline.

[-]

Skeggy-@reddit

I think that may just dissolve the paintball.

[-]

Krynja@reddit

Depends on how long you let them soak. It can end up forming kind of a gel inside the paintball that is almost like napalm in that it's sticky and it's flammable.

[-]

Bwrinkle@reddit

Or make piss disks, lob them down

[-]

AlfredFonzo@reddit

They sell solid plastic or aluminum 68 cal balls on Amazon dirt cheap. Also pepper balls, CS gas, PAVA, all kinds of horribly fun shit for paintball markers.

[-]

DietCoke_repeat@reddit

And post the video here.

[-]

No-Procedure5991@reddit

Somebody needs to ride the lightning!

Time to visit the junk yard & hardware store. You will need an ignition coil and car battery from the junkyard, and some wire & fasteners from the hardware store. Look to You Tube for more guidance and direction.

[-]

Humble_Ladder@reddit

So the thief can just steal a battery? Some place will buy junk car batteries for $10/ea. It's not like you can simply hide a 12V in a bicycle somewhere....

[-]

akillerofjoy@reddit

Piece of cake, especially if the police situation is so lax where you are.

Spread chili paste all over your combination lock. He'll fiddle with it, transferring chili to his hands and eventually to his face. At which point his eyes will start burning and he will take a step back and trip the wire which will explode a 20KG charge beneath him, creating a crater from which he will be unable to crawl out. (also, because not all of him will be intact at that point). The explosion will activate the sonic sensor on the gate at the nearby hog farm, which will release hungry hogs and send them towards the scent to finish the job. Easy-peasy! (you might need a new bike though)

[-]

GirlStiletto@reddit

Time to gather some friends and introduce him to the taste of a piss disc,

This can be very instructional. You can let him discover what it feels like when a lock chain connecs with his testicles.

[-]

Ajax-Liquor-Store@reddit

Soak the fucker in Pepper spray

[-]

Bratchan@reddit

Get an old bike and rig it for the surprise seat trick and forget the lock. So when they sit on it to ride off the get a extra surprise.

[-]

jesuscheetahnipples@reddit

Put a sock on your bicycle so when he tries to take it he only gets the sock

Or have sex with his dad

[-]

RocktownRoyalty@reddit

BB guns can be pretty quiet and accurate

[-]

HerbertRTarlekJr@reddit

And slingshots with metal ball bearings.

[-]

Historical_Choice625@reddit

Used them in Baghdad, can confirm.

[-]

MedievalMousie@reddit

Are you my brother?

[-]

thiagoknog@reddit

Fuck it, get a gas ram with 70kg, and shoot his ass. Warning use of plated or pierce ammunition may kill humans. Don't ask me how I know.

[-]

synbios128@reddit

Itching powder.

[-]

Technical-Sector407@reddit

Befriend him. Roofie him.

[-]

GreyGhost1008@reddit

Convert your in a "Electric Bike" :):)

[-]

Nathund@reddit

Honestly these ideas are all kinda pricey.

I say just get a brick and wait.

[-]

bullfeathers23@reddit

Move your bike?

[-]

aabum@reddit

Baseball bat therapy has been noted to be a deterrent to criminal behavior.

[-]

TheJokersWild53@reddit

Wiring the bike with high voltage will give him a shock

[-]

chipface@reddit

Electrify it.

[-]

LinkovichChomovsky82@reddit

Decoy bike, with a GPS device. Track the thief to his lair.

[-]

Tasty-Adhesiveness66@reddit

buy liquid ass, fox urine and deer scent, mix in a supersoaker and soak the F out of that guy

[-]

Historical_Choice625@reddit

Find a similar bike, cut the frame, cover cuts with duct tape & spray paint. Watch him ride away and eat shit when the duct tape lets go.

[-]

one-two-time@reddit

Throw an apple air tag on that thing just in case

[-]

MotherofaPickle@reddit

Catch and anesthetize a skunk.
Tie skunk to bike.
Wait for skunk to wake up.
Film the bike thief when he discovers the skunk.
Update us with the video.

[-]

TrunksTheMighty@reddit

Get a Kryptonite disc detainer lock. Unless they're the LockPickingLawyer they'll need an angle grinder to steal your bike.

[-]

brongchong@reddit

https://youtu.be/0v0K8dfZv_M?si=brSggDpIRlZdGkbP

[-]

brongchong@reddit

Paint ball gun

[-]

DankyCinnablunts@reddit

Either sneak up on him and crack him in the head real good, or follow him home and start messing with his stuff.

[-]

darin617@reddit

If he's trying to steal your bike let him and rig the seat so the pole goes through the seat and gives him a ride he won't forget.

[-]

jueidu@reddit

1) Quick-release lug for front wheel and/or foot pedals and/or seat- bring them inside with you. He won’t want a partial bike and won’t be able to ride it away.

2) get a super cheap decoy bike, a beater. Get a seat cover and embed it with razor blades.

3) Hide a speaker on it with recordings of screams for “help” and “police!” to go off at max volume 2min after being triggered.

4) Let pepper spray rain down from your windows if he makes another attempt.

5) get or borrow a really mean dog and let the dog loose next time you catch him on video attempting to steal the bike.

[-]

Krynja@reddit

Don't embed razor blades in the seat cover on the beater bike. Instead remove the mount that the Mount that the pipe slides up into for the seat. So the only thing holding that seat up is the thin pleather cover on top. And wait for them to hop on the bike to ride away.

[-]

jimmybilly100@reddit

PENETRATOR

[-]

German_Granpa@reddit

2) - r/foundsatan 😈

[-]

Witty_Candle_3448@reddit

Bear spray works well. Best idea is to bring the bike inside.

[-]

Dan_706@reddit

It’s fairly safe to say that most combination padlocks don’t need any special tools to bypass. If you’ve seen multiple attempts, he’s going to keep trying anyway, realistically the only real prevention is preventing access.

I.e. with a supersoaker full of piss

[-]

Miami_Mice2087@reddit

so you're saying he's a stupid lockpick

[-]

East-Future-9944@reddit

I know, that's the part that suspicious about this story. A pair of wrenches, one swift blow with a hammer, a pick, a piece of pop can, a small bolt cutter. Like there's so many fast and effective ways, it doesn't add up

[-]

Odd_Alps_7468@reddit

There's no prerequisite aptitude test for being a scumbag pos

[-]

East-Future-9944@reddit

The post says he's using an "automated combination lock cracker". If you're venturing into the world of lock picking, the first thing you learn is the fastest, least complex bypass is the best, especially when the destruction of the lock is not a concern. Two open end wrenches can successfully open a combination lock in seconds. So you're not going to have some kind of complex electric apparatus you're setting up in a public space to defeat a basically useless lock if your intent is the successfully steal the bike. It would be like trying to pick a lock on a door that's right next to an open window.

[-]

Embarrassed_Toe_2399@reddit

I've seen people shim combo locks as well. I've been told since I was a kid, "A lock will only keep an honest man out."

[-]

East-Future-9944@reddit

I've done it, but making shims is annoying and you usually need a few

[-]

StarChaser_Tyger@reddit

You can buy premade ones from the Lockpicking Lawyer's site.

[-]

steveborn2fly@reddit

Are these tools for use on a lock or for use on the thief?

[-]

East-Future-9944@reddit

Both

[-]

Schmedwardio@reddit

Maybe they’re filming instructional videos

[-]

East-Future-9944@reddit

Or maybe this is a one month old fake account trying to drive engagement

[-]

Sweet-Awk-7861@reddit

Change into all nines, then all zeros after a few days

[-]

Lt_Muffintoes@reddit

Fox piss

[-]

The_best_is_yet@reddit

Ooooh this is a good idea.

[-]

The_best_is_yet@reddit

Maybe you could shoot some liquid ass on him too, I think he’d avoid coming back after that.

[-]

Miami_Mice2087@reddit

add more combination locks?

[-]

purplereign@reddit

Frisbee a frozen piss disc straight at his eye line

[-]

twomillcities@reddit

Wait for him with a weapon and strike once he tries again.

[-]

musicmast@reddit

Bear trap

[-]

BeardedZorro@reddit

An Ethical LPT would be to buy a long gun and wait by the window again.

[-]

handsmahoney@reddit

Can you just bring the bike inside?

[-]

Electrical_Angle_701@reddit

Hide in the shrubbery and bushwhack him.

[-]

quackl11@reddit

What about the penetrator bike, you know where the seat collapses as soon as you sit on it. Let him get through this one and then when he goes to sit down and ride the pipe will go into his ass.

[-]

JessTheMullet@reddit

Nonlethal pistols that shoot rubber balls or pepper rounds are getting more common and more affordable all the time. There's one that looks like a sawed-off shotgun that throws large rubber slugs at almost normal bullet speeds. If you have a line of sight, give the asshole a concussion with one. It's clearly meant to be nonlethal, so you'll dodge most serious charges.

[-]

b0ingy@reddit

take your bike inside?

epoxy your bike lock shut and let him go to town

[-]

dank_imagemacro@reddit

Are you in a state/country where it is legal to use lethal force to defend property? If so, print out some site that states this fact and leave the printout taped to the lock.

[-]

Affectionate-Fly7620@reddit

why dont u just bring the bike inside

[-]

cyrusthemarginal@reddit

a lock in a sock has a great heft to it and makes a cool sound if you swing it around, maybe if you swung it past his ear he would agree

[-]

Sterling_-_Archer@reddit

I WOULD ABSOLUTELY not SUGGEST VIOLENCE HERE, do not TRY SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM WITH SOME LESSONS ON KINETIC IMPACT AND never even dream of trying to SHOW THEM WHAT THIEVES GET FOR STEALING SHIT

[-]

ki4clz@reddit

gif

[-]

Alpha-Studios@reddit

a gun

[-]

ADDandME@reddit

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say a key lock

[-]

XemptOne@reddit

or just take it inside, problem solved. not everything needs an unethical solution, just some common fucking sense... yeah i know the sub im in...

[-]

RogueThneed@reddit

But does the bike thief actually exist?

[-]

XemptOne@reddit

who knows, half the internet is fake nowadays... i prefer not spending time trying to worry about it too much...

[-]

OneChrononOfPlancks@reddit

Too ethical for this sub? But sensible

[-]

ADDandME@reddit

Oh ya sorry wrong sub. Ok get a capacitor and some wir hooked up to your battery for a shocking surprise.

[-]

UserCheckNamesOut@reddit

Try Gak flex. It's used in stadium shows to sling motors onto girders and it's fireproof

[-]

PhilMeUpBaby@reddit

Leave a note.

"Hello, thief. Thank you for leaving your DNA here last week. A medical science friend of mine has captured your DNA and it will soon be left at a major crime scene (she's a forensic scientist who does some work for the police).

Don't worry too much - you'll get less than 10 years jail. Probably.

You really should be more careful who you try and steal from."

Now, that's a load of bluffing bullshit, but it might get the thief a bit concerned.

Maybe left an unopened soft drink can or something on the seat for a few nights - whether he drinks it or not hopefully he'll throw the can nearby.

Leave the note a few days later and he'll know where you got his DNA from.

[-]

Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

Funny, but are we sure theycan read?

[-]

PhilMeUpBaby@reddit

On a serious note, consider getting a really, really, really good lock - they're expensive but you'll probably keep it for the rest of your life.

The ultimate:

Litelok X1 or X3, or Hiplok D1000 (but they are VERY expensive). Theoretically, an angle grinder can cut through either one of these but it's going to take multiple cutting discs and batteries.

https://www.outdoorgearlab.com/topics/biking/best-bike-lock

[-]

Fyrr13@reddit

I've had the cryptonite one, and a thief with a plasma torch cut through it like butter in a few minutes.

[-]

Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

And that's why a cryptonite lock is really just a single payment bike insurance, and not a lock.

Less convenient than the bike not getting stolen, but replacement coverage still protects you from permanent loss.

[-]

OkEnvironment3961@reddit

Pepper spray on the lock. He won't realize it until he rubs his face or eyes afterward. Handle and clean it carefully after.

[-]

VixenTraffic@reddit

Keep your bike inside.

[-]

internet_hero_yams@reddit

Just put an AirTag inside the handlebar and then “peacefully object” on his doorstep

[-]

IAmInBed123@reddit

Paintball gun and shoot some paintballs.
Buy an extra lock too.
You could take off your bikeseat, front wheel and/or handlebar.
You could buy a megaphone and yell really loud, hey you there, thief

[-]

alienheron@reddit

I was going to suggest removing the seat and replacing it with a dildo.

[-]

DrFabulous0@reddit

Well yes. But what to do about the thief?

[-]

alienheron@reddit

Menage a trike.

[-]

SightWithoutEyes@reddit

Instructions unclear, dick caught in bike chain.

[-]

alienheron@reddit

Kinky

[-]

Nephroidofdoom@reddit

Mac, we found the bike…

[-]

stedun@reddit

Bear spray

[-]

New--Tomorrows@reddit

Multiple bike locks ASAP. If he's trying repeatedly, you need to make this as unappealing of a job as possible.

Combine that with piss disk et al.

[-]

HippyGeek@reddit

Wrist rocket. Ice cubes. Practice.

[-]

BikeCookie@reddit

Add another fake lock with razor blades superglued on the back of that lock

[-]

elliotejo24@reddit

But a cheap bike lock, cut it and leave it where your bike was (store inside/elsewhere for now), the thief will think it’s been stolen and not come back.

[-]

1234golf1234@reddit

Just spray him with the hose.

[-]

licensed2ill2@reddit

Airsoft gun on full auto? A standard rifle mag is 400 rounds. My son’s rifle can be programmed from 1 round per second to 50-ish per second IIRC. That gives you 8 seconds of full auto spraying

[-]

Just_Here_So_Briefly@reddit

Stay up and catch up in the act...what you do with him then is based on what you can get away with.

[-]

mikemojc@reddit

Get a photo without a flash, followed by use of a squirt gun filled with fox urine and fabric dye.
Also, change your lock.

[-]

FreedomResearcher0@reddit

Baseball bat and mask. No face no case. Job done.

[-]

malikj98@reddit

Razor blades on the lock

[-]

ZombiesAtKendall@reddit

I imagine that’s illegal. Probably safer to try to booby trap it and still have some kind of plausible deniability. Someone more creative than me might have better ideas, but maybe something like a braided cable lock that has sheath removed and is starting to fray. (But maybe in addition to the first lock) Then you’re just using an old cable, not booby trapping something.

Or just bring your bike inside.

[-]

Polengoldur@reddit

strong black line tied from the bike to something solid like a tree. make sure to disguise it properly so they don't see it until after they flip over the handlebars.

[-]

ekkidee@reddit

Use a better lock.

[-]

Present-Condition-96@reddit

why are you not moving your bike ?

[-]

jizzyjugsjohnson@reddit

Don’t use a combination lock?

[-]

Effective-Result7959@reddit

Updateme

[-]

Interesting_iidea@reddit

Get a lock with a key, who tf buys a combination lock. But unethical, can you not beat the shit out of this person?? Have some sort of hard weapon? Or a couple of mates to wait for him?

[-]

wisebongsmith@reddit

Throw a net on him from your window.

[-]

dfin25@reddit

Bear mace. Pop out of a bush from unwind and blast him.

[-]

Nemo2BThrownAway@reddit

I mean how committed are you?

If you need a way to track the thief later because the police response time is too low, I suggest 2 things:

Involve a friend. Have them over during the thief’s most common appearance windows, and when you see the thief making an attempt, send them down to record from a distance. Have them get a good angle for the photos/videos, while you can be a distraction or flee trigger (also at a distance).
On a dry day, prior to the ideal thievery window and your friend’s appearance, apply a product like Purple Rain (WEARING GLOVES, JFC) to a lock you don’t value on that bike. It’s an inert green powder… for now.

Later, update the cops and post flyers locally about the suspected bike thief who can be identified by [photo/video] and their extremely incriminating violently violet hands, which only seemed to become more intensely colored when washing (tsk, it’s moisture activated). Stains something awful… lasts for days or even weeks on skin and fabrics.

[-]

emotionalsupporttank@reddit

Have you seem the video on the penetrater?

[-]

alienheron@reddit

Menage a trike.

[-]

flyvr@reddit

5 friends, 1 banana, no lube

[-]

rufireproof3d@reddit

You will lose a couple nights sleep, but protect your bike.

buy a chain and 4 or 5 padlocks. Put all the locks into 1 link on the end of the chain. Congrats! You have made a modern version of one of the most brutal medieval weapons made: the flail. Your version won't have the stick handle, so you will get a bit less leverage but that's ok. Your opponent probably won't be wearing armor, so it kinda washes out. Camp out where you can see the bike. When you confront the thief, swing for his kneecap first. This prevents our would be thief from running away. After turning his knee into ground sausage, you can work on the rest of him at your leisure. The best part is you can tell the cops that you knew someone was trying to steal your bike, so you were brining a more secure lock. He attacked you and you were forced to defend yourself with the first thing that was in your hand.

[-]

Kushbeast666@reddit

Black widow slingshot with ball bearings. One of those in the back or knee and homeboy will NEVER come near it again

[-]

Thaufas@reddit

Pepper Ball Gun

[-]

Snicklefraust@reddit

Most locks are security theater. Multiple locks could be a good insurance, but that may lead to them just bringing bolt cutters. Im not sure where youre from, but if you can, get a bb gun or a wrist rocket or similar. 1 warning shot, and if they dont listen....

[-]

Madder_Than_Diogenes@reddit

Find his lair and wage a campaign of terror on him.

Put a tracker on your bike.
Take photos/ video of him stealing it. Bonus points for making a noise and having him look straight at your camera.
Follow him to his location and observe.
Once you know where he goes, the war begins.

The War:

Call the cops on him.
Screw his front door shut from the outside using blocks of wood and long screws at 90 degree angles.
Put expanding foam under his front door, in his car footwell (make the pedals inoperable), up his exhaust.
Paint 'thief' on his front door and on the paths leading to his home with helpful arrows 'thief only two houses more away'.
Stalk him and discover if he has a day job. More bonus points of you can find his socials.

[-]

Howiebledsoe@reddit

sling shot to his back with a bb pellet. fuck the dude.

[-]

cuck__everlasting@reddit

A second lock

Also smear both locks with liquid fart

[-]

SnooTangerines3448@reddit

Just shout there's three fucking trackers on it so fuck off. And my mates have got favours owed.

[-]

greywar777@reddit

If you can see him, you can hit him with a pepperball gun.