Parents getting older...

Posted by a_solid_6@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 117 comments

Can we talk about it? At this point, most of our parents are either seniors or straight up elderly. How has your relationship with them changed at this stage of life? And do you consider your parents and their potential needs in their latter years when planning for your own future? My parents are in their late 60s-- older, but not elderly. Still, their mortality feels realer than ever these days and sometimes I have to make an effort not to dwell on it. But I do find myself more easily dismissing our differences and letting go of the things I wish they'd done differently. They were flawed like everyone on earth, but good parents, and I don't want to spend whatever time I have left with them majoring on minors... Dad is recovering from surgery, and I guess I'm just in an introspective mood tonight. Also, I recognize that some parents are absolute shit and not worthy of such consideration. If that's your situation, I would love to hear your perspective too. Thanks for listening ❤️

Reply to Post

Reply

117 Comments

[-]

maggie320@reddit

Both my parents are gone. Definitely cherish every moment you can with them. Watch a movie, have lunch, just sit and talk. I took care of my mom at the last after my dad died and it seemed less like mother daughter and more like friends. Watching silly stuff on TV, cracking jokes, cooking for her.

Reply

[-]

Persis-@reddit

Mine are gone, too. 14 years for mom, 8 years for dad. They had me at almost 40. And while my mom had health issues, I didn’t foresee losing them both before I turned 40. My mom and I were kindred spirits. She was one of the best humans to ever exist. I only have one other friend who has lost both parents, and a handful who have lost one. It’s a weird place to be.

Reply

[-]

Extra-Blueberry-4320@reddit

Mine too. They were both young—62 for mom and 67 for dad. They had me when they were young, so I got to have them around for a little longer than had they waited to have kids in their 30s. It just kinda sucks but I also don’t have to worry about them getting very old and needing more help.

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

I love that y'all got to be friends and spend the end of her life together.

Reply

[-]

syntax_sorceress@reddit

I have that now with my mother. Its so healing because my father's behavior and decisions made things very difficult when we were young. She must have been incredibly stressed. It's really nice to have light time with her, teaching her how to relax, prioritise herself, to not let her age hold her back in her style, that it's ok to screen phone calls. She's in her 80s and gets up every morning, puts her makeup on, jewellery, and looks great. She has a great sense of humour, is open minded, very tolerant, really kind and swears like sailor. A real privileged time in life that I'm incredibly grateful for.

Reply

[-]

123bumble@reddit

Dad is 76 and mom turned 76 today. The last of the grandparents died last April. My sister and live about 10 hours away from them im opposing directions. Dad has had some health issues to say the least but still finds a way to play 4 hours of pickle ball a day. Have already been toying with moving back home just for the sake of spending more time with them.

Reply

[-]

Puzzled_Loquat@reddit

My parents are 75 and 78. My mom is older. Since the pandemic and their move to my state, she has really slowed down. My dad has too but not as much or as drastically IMO.

Reply

[-]

PopsiclesForChickens@reddit

My parents have become increasingly selfish in their old age (73 and 69). They live in my city and moved here when my 3 kids were tiny to take a more active role in their grandkids' lives. Unfortunately, we really needed them a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo treatment for 9 months and they pretty much ghosted my family. We still have a relationship, but that damaged it quite a bit as they have continued to dismiss all further health issues I've had, while being dramatic about their own (they got back from a European cruise last week with colds and my dad was texting us twice daily updates on how they were feeling). Also, my kids are teenagers now and my parents seem to have no interest in them. Sorry, that was a lot. I am in therapy and talk about my parents a lot. They were great and we were super close until I got sick.

Reply

[-]

Jerry_eckie2@reddit

My parents (mother in particular) are the same, and I didn't realise how self-absorbed they are until my wife was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. They dropped everything to come up and help me with my son who was only 2 at the time, which I thought was so wonderful of them. My wife was undergoing intensive radiotherapy and chemotherapy plus surgery to remove part of her bowel, leaving her with a permanent colostomy - thankfully, she was cured and has been NED since then. However, the whole time, my mother kept comparing what my wife was going through to *her* own cancer treatment 15 years earlier (which was nothing compared to my wife). "How long is the surgery? 5 hours? Oh, mine was 7." "Keyhole surgery? Oh, they had to cut me right open to get mine out. Got the scars to prove it" When my wife went into surgery, I was having a moment as you do. My mum just looked at me and said "Oh, come on it's fine. It's only 5 hours." My dad just grunted and walked out to the car. No hug, or anything. So I feel you. I have had a fairly distant relationship with my parents since then. I know it's not their fault - they were the product of emotionally unavailable parents, so they don't know how to deal with other people's emotions or their own - but the boundaries we now have are healthy for me and my family.

Reply

[-]

PopsiclesForChickens@reddit

Colorectal cancer too? I just got a colostomy last month because all of the side effects just ruined my GI system to the point I hated my life. Things are so much better now! But of course, my parents have pretty much pretended the surgery didn't even happen.

Reply

[-]

Jerry_eckie2@reddit

Yep. Her tumour was very low in the bowel, so she had to have an abdominoperineal resection (APR). A lot of people in her support group who had bowel resections ended up opting for permanent colostomy and achieved a much better quality of life. My wife is 6 years NED, and everything is more or less back to normal. I hope you're recovering well. It gets better, I promise.

Reply

[-]

Daphne-odora@reddit

I’m sorry you’re going through that. Is this a generational thing with them? I also feel that my mom has become more self absorbed with age. My mom & her husband live across the country and visit my family once per year, which I know shows effort. But she was here for a week and I heard all about their health issues, restaurants and shows they enjoy, her issues with my brother, their exercise classes, etc etc. but they did not ask me one or my husband even one time how we are doing, what’s work like these days (I had a major career change), how have we spent our weekends lately. I know I need to accept that is who my mom is at this point but it really bummed me out.

Reply

[-]

Express_Signal_8828@reddit

Could it be they're very lonely in their regular lives and have no one to talk to? I've noticed a pattern with people who are very isolated: when they get the chance to speak to someone, they can't stop. Then of course they cone across as self absorbed, alienating the other side and perpetuating the loneliness.

Reply

[-]

StrawberryCake88@reddit

This may be ridiculous and not related, but is it possible they just couldn’t cope with the possibility of your death? We hope our parents will be endlessly mature, but maybe they haven’t faced death yet. Ghosting can be self preserving denial. It’s still bad, but it’s not the same as not caring at all. I’m really sorry you went through that.

Reply

[-]

Hellament@reddit

FYI: I think you meant to reply to the parent comment of this one (no pun intended). Also, I agree on your assessment…I was thinking along similar lines. It’s one thing if the parents were always habitually dismissive and self absorbed, but to exhibit that after a child was diagnosed with cancer might be part of some sort of coping mechanism.

Reply

[-]

RevolutionaryBake362@reddit

I have a self centered parent as well. I understand. Take care of you and know you are doing your best. It’s hard when it all lands all on your shoulders and you are looking for emotional support. Unfortunately it will have to be a spouse or a friend. Blood relatives are not always the best support system.

Reply

[-]

BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

No its true. My parents are roughly the same age. Ive been shocked at their selfishness. Its been extremely hurtful when they preached to me my whole adult life about how parents should always be there for their kids no matter what.

Reply

[-]

mitochondrionolympus@reddit

My parents are Jehovah’s Witnesses and do not talk to me because I stopped believing in their religion. My dad is in his 70s now. They have not talked to me in almost 7 years now, yet still I make plans to care for them in the future. They have no savings for the future because they were expecting the end of the world by now and my mom spent all her time door knocking when I was growing up as her full time “job”. I wish that we could just put religion aside and make the most of the time they have left. They haven’t even met my youngest two and stopped talking to my older two (who as of this month are both adults now) when they stopped talking to me.

Reply

[-]

Geeba422@reddit

My parents were the best. I lost my mom suddenly in 2018, my dad is alive but has had Alzheimer’s for the last 2-3 years, it sucks, nothing prepares you. I do have my spunky 90 y/o gram tho!

Reply

[-]

tc_cad@reddit

My Dad died in June. Heart attack. Mom has dementia, and right now I’m in the process of taking away her drivers license. She is very unhappy with me. But it’s her decision to have me take over for her, she set it up that way. She’s racked up 6 figures of debt, got into a car accident and has been fired from her volunteer position. I had to talk to her boss to stop scheduling her, I had to fire my mom for them.

Reply

[-]

Dry-Astronaut-8640@reddit

I just spent the last 8 days helping out my ex wife’s parents. My ex-MIL went into the hospital and someone needed to help my ex-FIL. He’s going through the early stages of Alzheimer’s and he shouldn’t be left alone for a long period of time. He’s mostly alright, but it’s a lot to deal with. I’ve know them for over 20 years and, despite me not being married to their daughter anymore, they are still a big part of my life. Fortunately, none of this is present in my family history so I’m not going to have to deal with it with my parents and my kids probably won’t have to deal with it with me. At the moment, I’m very fortunate that my own parents are relatively healthy.

Reply

[-]

Fwoggie2@reddit

Mum fought early onset dementia for ten years and succumbed six years ago. I miss her a lot. Dad is still kicking around though and as narcissistic as ever. He's seen his one and only grandchild twice so far. She's nearly five years old. He never asks after her or my wife. Or me. I call him once a month. I often wonder why.

Reply

[-]

Jameson-Mc@reddit

Love them while they are here. Love them when they are gone. Avoid Projection.

Reply

[-]

emeraldrose484@reddit

My parents are late 70s/early 80s. My older siblings and I are closer now than ever as we are talking about few times a month about them, sharing updates since we each tend to hear different things from them and need to "compare notes." They moved to an assisted living community a little over a year ago which has been a big adjustment but they've settled in and is the best place for them. We have no idea how long dad will be around. He keeps taking minor falls and one of these days he'll break a hip and that will be it. My mom will most likely be around for quite some time, but she continues to slip cognitively. But given where she is living she's in a good place as she keeps aging and as things change for her. My siblings and I live anywhere from 5 mins away, to a 30 min drive, to an 1 1/2 drive. We have some control over their finances (they pay bills-ish, but we have logins, are on the bank accounts, and have spoken with their financial advisor to keep us in the loop on changes). They've fallen for financial scams more than once (dad more often) so we're trying to be more diligent watching for that lately. Biggest things that weighs on us (me) - my parents were always very intelligent people. How are they falling for some of these scams now? How are they making some of the decisions they do now? Especially my dad, it's like he hit a certain point and just said fuck it. Or was he always like this, and his personality thst included a lot of thst commanding presence just cover up the lack of sense? Also - I LOVE my parents, but I think if I met them just as other adults on the street, I wouldnt really like them much. They're not people I would want to be friends with or spend time with. That was a shocker to me too. Aging parents are tough.

Reply

[-]

oneeweflock@reddit

We have been neighbors with my parents for 20 years, so seeing them several times a week was not uncommon but as they aged I definitely cherished the time spent with them more, not that there weren’t a few falling-outs in between..it was never anything that we didn’t eventually get over. My dad died in 2019 from cancer. My mom gave her self seven years from my dad’s death, I always said she was nuts but she was staunch on it - and as time progressed I truly believe she grieved herself to death. I spent every afternoon & weekend hanging out with my mom for the last six years. When she had her strokes, I was there to take care of her right up until the morning she died. Watching their decline is hard but you have a lot less days with them than you realize, so if you have a decent relationship I would urge anyone to spend as much time with them as you can because one day you’re going to wake up and wish you had been there more.

Reply

[-]

blood_bones_hearts@reddit

We are no contact. It brings complicated feelings to think of them aging and needing help but they made their choices (and continue to make them) and will have to sort it out themselves. Their finances are fine so they'll be able to afford care. I will refuse to be drawn back in and it sucks but I've made my peace with it all the best I can.

Reply

[-]

Hhbg459@reddit

Same. Glad I’m not alone in this but it sucks to be here.

Reply

[-]

fermentedradical@reddit

Same. Their choices were their own. I don't worry about them too much anymore.

Reply

[-]

New_Hamstertown_1865@reddit

I feel for you. I'm also no contact with my parents. They live in a different state (literally and figuratively). Guilt about not being a good son and helping them in old age creeps up on me some times. Still, like you said, they made their choices and will need to sort this out on their own.

Reply

[-]

UnicornSheets@reddit

Mom is 79 and deep in Alzheimer’s. Pop is 82 and doing his best with the circumstances. I moved back in with them to give mom full time care and to de-hoard the lifetime of collecting. It’s physically and mentally brutal.

Reply

[-]

jgnp@reddit

My mom who was a lifelong public educator is latched to Fox News and wants to ban the dept of education. What the fuck went wrong? Dad is on his way down the road of brain fog and prealzheimers and gets angry fast. I’m just trying to love on them and spend time with them.

Reply

[-]

jtmann05@reddit

I just talked to both of my sisters yesterday after my old man was taken to the ER due to difficulty breathing. He has had a rough go of it the last few years. Started with shortness of breath, they determined he had a blockage that required a cath procedure. During the pre-procedure bloodwork, they discovered his white blood cell count was abnormal and it turned out to be leukemia. He fought through that, but his shortness of breath got continually worse and they were finally able to remove the blockage after 3 attempts. Didn’t help, found out he has some fibrosis in his lungs. Now he’s in the historical with pneumonia. It’s just never ending. It sucks. It all sucks.

Reply

[-]

5uck3rpunch@reddit

Both of my parents have passed away many years ago. Enjoy yours while you are lucky enough to still have them in your life.

Reply

[-]

HeyYouTurd@reddit

OK, here’s my quick story. My real dad died one week before my first birthday. My stepfather raised me since I was three years old and I called him. Dad and he in every way was a father to me although he was very strict up raising but either way he died three years ago my mother was married to him for 20 something years, but they divorced five years before he died. My mother is still alive. She in her late 60s she’s single and desperate and acting like a teenager and dating online losers so yeah it’s kind of fun. My mom’s always been pretty irresponsible, though her and my father always thought about money him not having it and her spending it all so I guess she never matured to any kind of emotional maturity and now I have to deal with that oh and she’s just always on her phone and always on Facebook and says she wants to hang out with the grandkids but then just comes over here and sits on her phone on Facebook trying to tell me hey did you see what so-and-so did and I’m like no I’m not on Facebook anymore. Oh yeah, I forgot so yeah there’s my update.

Reply

[-]

Xitnal@reddit

Mom died 3 years ago now, cancer. She was 63. Dad had a heart attack 8 years ago which led to a quad bypass, he's been living with me and the wife since. Hes turning 76 in a few months.

Reply

[-]

Savy-Dreamer@reddit

How is him living with you guys?

Reply

[-]

Xitnal@reddit

My wife and Dad get along famously which is more then I could ask for.He helps out where/when he can with cooking and cleaning or even watching the dogs when we go out for a night. At the same time its been great being able to hang whenever and Sure its a pain sometimes, having a "roommate" can always lead to small issues but in the end I wouldnt trade these years for anything. I just hope I can be one of those 60 year olds with a 90 year old parent still kicking.

Reply

[-]

Savy-Dreamer@reddit

That is so great to hear! I am happy for you guys!!

Reply

[-]

BuyerIndividual8826@reddit

My parents are upper 70s. My Mom has advanced stage SVD dementia and I miss her dearly. My father is dedicated all of his time to her care. In this way, both of my parents are gone. This is the season of life.

Reply

[-]

Comfortable_Tale9722@reddit

I’ve already lost my Dad and my mom is 84. She is still mostly independent but I do a lot of asks for her around the house and the yard. Just spend time with them whether that is doing something simple as watching tv or a fancy dinner.

Reply

[-]

noonesaidityet@reddit

I haven't had an issue with myself getting older. What's gets to me is watching my baby sister and my dad get older. My dad just turned 76 and my little sister (10 years younger) is 34. When I turned 40, I felt nothing, but my little sister turning 30 hit me hard. My dad has never looked or acted his age, still very active, does a lot of yard work and maintenance around their retirement community, so I have yet to see him slow down. But I know it's coming.

Reply

[-]

katiespecies647@reddit

My mom died when I was 16. My dad lived far away and still does. We rarely talked, maybe we'd get a visit once per year or three. I spent my twenties and thirties helping Dads parents age at home. After granddad died at 101, we started having video meetings to sort out the financials and taxes. We reconnected over that and now have weekly video visits. It's bittersweet because we're closer than ever and I'm really enjoying our time together but I can see help will be needed in the next 5-10, and I'm too far away to help this time. I'm gently encouraging Dad to move back. I want to help, but I can't from 9 hours away.

Reply

[-]

Solo4114@reddit

My dad passed in 2022. It wasn't pleasant, but it was "good" in a sense. He'd been diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer in 2016 (never smoked or anything), which had mostly been controlled by drugs and a crackerjack cancer doc who is a friend of the family. Then, the drugs just...stopped working one day, and the cancer caught up with him *fast*. Like, under a month and that was it. It wasn't painful, his hospice care was manageable and not protracted, and he had his mental faculties for the entire time right up until the very end. I got to say everything I wanted to him, and he to me. He gave me a few specific instructions for what to do when he was gone (just stuff to help my mom sell), which I've mostly done (one item he told me to sell has been tough to figure a price for, but that's not really important to the topic here). We'd all lived with this diagnosis and the knowledge that the clock was ticking, but we weren't sure when time would run out, for six years, and honestly, I was immensely grateful for the time he had. He'd been our main after-care for my daughter since she was an infant, and they'd developed this really special relationship. It was wonderful. Fortunately, when he passed, my wife's parents had already moved to where we live (after living a couple thousand miles away and only seeing her maybe 1-2 times a year in person), so we had a seamless transition to them doing after-care which holds to this day. It was sad. I miss him. I wish I could talk with him, get his advice, commiserate about politics (something we did often), ask him details about the family's history. But at the same time, I'm just...really glad for what we had. I've never felt *anguished* about losing him. Sad, sure, but also just glad that the last years of his life were some of his best and that we got to have him in our lives as long as we did. We were lucky. Cancer is a squirrely disease that can be absolutely devastating, and he mostly lived symptom-free for the 6 years after his diagnosis, right up until the last month of his life. In the wake of that, I've stepped up to help my mom out a lot. Lots of just helping with stuff around her house. Lightbulb changes, bringing packages upstairs, etc. I helped her sell my dad's car (she doesn't drive), so I drive her around sometimes (she also Ubers places). I taught her about grocery delivery services, but I also pick up the odd item for her weekly when I do my grocery shopping, and take out her trash and recycling. She's very appreciative of the help and recognizes the impact it has and how it makes her life easier. I'm happy to do it, and can't really imagine being like "No, figure out your own way to deal with your trash." I live like a 15 min drive from her house, so it'd be pretty inexcusable (to me, anyway) to not do little jobs like this. Sometimes it's a little annoying, but she's literally physically incapable of doing it herself; she's just not strong enough. It's strange. I guess I have kind of an...I dunno...zen attitude about this stuff. It doesn't/didn't fuck me up to see my folks age. It's just...the way of things, and I accept it. I know it'll come for me, too, eventually. I know how infirmity and death *can* go, and how awful it can be, so I tend to just be grateful that my folks didn't/haven't (so far) experienced the kind of withering and/or painful lingering deterioration that some do. There's been no real loss of mental acuity, either, so there's none of that loss of what made/makes them "them" to deal with. My dad was my dad right up until the end. I expect the same will be true of my mom. I just count myself lucky for that, and focus on enjoying the time I and my family had/have with them.

Reply

[-]

cellrdoor2@reddit

My Mom died back in 2003 and my Dad and I were estranged for a while after. I eventually decided to open communication back up but we will probably never be close. It’s very one sided, he doesn’t visit, often insists I visit him, and is incapable of having anything beyond a surface pleasantries conversation that doesn’t dissolve into mean spirited political talk. Even now, I’m going through cancer treatment and he somehow makes it all about him. I’ve done lots of work with my therapist and realize now he probably just isn’t emotionally capable of a closer relationship. I’m working on making peace with that. Now that he’s aging I listen to him tell me about his health every two weeks when I call but he refuses to see a Dr or to set up any kind of care or end of life directives. He has a wife about ten years younger than him and I’m hoping all that will be her responsibility when the time comes as I’m sure his finances are a hopeless mess. My sister has a very similar relationship with him but I have a feeling that she’ll let him guilt her into more work/care. I’ll help as much as I can but don’t plan on dropping everything and moving across the country.

Reply

[-]

mvpilot172@reddit

My parents are in their 70’s. As my kids are about to be out of the house in a few years I worry I’ll have to keep a closer eye on my parents.

Reply

[-]

Plane_Chance863@reddit

My parents are still doing well. They take care of themselves and have plans for their future - or at least my dad does. I'm not too worried about my mom yet. My in-laws, however, are struggling to take care of themselves but are stubborn as mules. Both of their kids have kind of given up on them and figure what will happen will happen at this point. It's going to be great for no one.

Reply

[-]

-nunzie-@reddit

“Its going to be great for no one” hits so close to home.

Reply

[-]

Plane_Chance863@reddit

Yeah, I'm so sorry if you're in a similar situation. I think sometimes there's just not much you can do. We did try, but I think my in-laws have few friends remaining and very few people to get advice from. They get scared easily about what they read in the news, which isn't good for them because they get scared into inaction. They're not healthy enough to take care of their house well, and that is going to be a mess they leave to us. I don't know if they think they're leaving their kids an inheritance by keeping their house, but unfortunately their house is worth very little and will be a real hassle to get ready for sale given none of us live in their city.

Reply

[-]

jackfaire@reddit

I'm the George Bailey of my family. I've given up opportunities for my siblings, my ex-wife, my daughter, my folks. On one hand the loss of my folks means one less financial responsibility holding back my own plans and desires. On the other hand my world will feel emptier and any benefit I get will be tied up in grief and guilt. I've sacrificed 20 years to supporting my family. Now that I have a little more independence from their needs I'm trying to build a life that doesn't revolve around all of them but find myself with more time than I know what to do with and no idea who to rejoin the world.

Reply

[-]

swiftbluebird@reddit

Me too - I have definitely let go of things that would annoy me or did annoy me. I see my father a a whole being now - not just judge home for what I perceived to be his flaws or lack of parental guidance.

Reply

[-]

ersatzcanuck@reddit

lost both my parents when they were in their early to mid 60s so i cant relate to these posts but hot damn i wish i could sometimes.

Reply

[-]

Graybeard_Shaving@reddit

Dad is dead. Mom has been a cancer survivor for close to 15yrs. Her treatment destroyed her body and she’s basically at the point that death may be a relief. I have no advice other than to go into it rolling with the punches. If you try to control it you will lose. Let the waves wash over you and do what you can, when you can.

Reply

[-]

BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

Wet noodle. I have to constantly remind myself to not tense up because something else happens once I do. :(

Reply

[-]

BlacksmithThink9494@reddit

Both parents are disabled and I'm a caregiver. Trying to work full time, put my youngest through college and my oldest is set to be a parent soon, making me a grandparent. Life is chaotic, to say the least.

Reply

[-]

ZoeySpark@reddit

My parents are 74 and I (48F) as the eldest daughter live with and care for them. Dad just had his second knee replacement and mom is due to start her knees in the spring. I work in healthcare and I’m their medical POA. It’s incredibly challenging as they get older. My dad still wants to be able to do stuff but this year I insisted on getting snow removal for them (us). In the past my dad and I would share the task but he has fallen this year so I’m not taking any chances. It sucks watching them get old and be in pain. It sucks even more to watch it on a daily basis. AND It blows goats that my two siblings don’t have to do anything, nor have they even offered.

Reply

[-]

Festygrrl@reddit

My dad is 77 and mum is nearly 70. Dad refuses to look after his health. Hes got type 2 diabetes that needs insulin. Refuses to measure his levels (the pinprick hurts his finger too much so he just refuses to do it) - lets his doctor do it every 3 months. Refuses to exercise. His theory is that he exercised when he was in the army during the Vietnam War and hes done enough. He eats like shit and is just a stubborn on old git. Mum takes the dog for a walk everyday and tries to stay active. The only thing I am thankful for is that they have all their end of life plans organised. If mum passes first though, I am going to end up being dad’s secretary - he only learnt how to use an ATM a year ago. Mum pays all the bills, knows where all the money is - dad will be flailing without her and he knows it. Mum and I have a way better relationship now that I am in my 40s. I get her now.

Reply

[-]

mizushimo@reddit

My parents had me late so they are pushing 80 and I'm their full time caregiver, shit starts getting weird when, at some point, the roles reverse and you become the parent and they become the teenagers, and you have to spend time and energy helping them make good choices about managing their incurable medical conditions, because if you just let them be, it means more irrevocable damage and suffering for everybody. Sometimes I feel like getting my mom to manage her diabetes was like her getting younger me to do my homework, and I'm way more successful and persistent than she ever was.

Reply

[-]

PuzzleheadedAbies678@reddit

I'm not ready for it....

Reply

[-]

katmoney80@reddit

My mom has dementia and my dad just placed her in memory care. She just turned 80, and we had a party for her that I’m currently home visiting for. So heartbreaking to see what my mom has become, and what my dad has had to endure by being her caregiver. I know deciding to place her in memory care was not an easy decision. I feel so guilty by not being closer to them and only seeing them 1-2 times a year. My brother also lives out of state but closer than Me so he gets back a little more frequently. I know I won’t ever move back here permanently but I need to start coming back more and spend time with them 😔

Reply

[-]

shadowlarx@reddit

Both of my grandparents on my father’s side lived into their 80s and my great grandmother made it to 100 so I figure I still have a good 15-20 years left with my parents but I worry about them, all the same, especially since they’re both retired now and people keep talking about the government gutting Social Security.

Reply

[-]

iheartpyrex@reddit

My parents are in their late 70s/early 80s. I feel sad saying this, but I have to limit the time I spend with them for my mental health, otherwise I tend to get easily triggered around them. They neglected me emotionally growing up and I feel better keeping them at arm’s length. We do text pretty regularly. They’ve done some planning for the future. I know where all the bank account numbers and advance directives are, but they have yet to move out of the house I grew up in. They’re okay to be there right now since my mom is in good physical health, but my dad isn’t and she’s basically his caregiver. He’s refusing to move, hasn’t explained why. I’ve asked them to make choices for themselves while they still can. We’ll see what happens. I’ve also been very clear that I will not step in to handle things if a crisis happens, or be a caregiver. However, I’m willing to facilitate, possibly by way of working with a geriatric care manager when the time comes.

Reply

[-]

4luminate@reddit

Mom is 70. Retired in January. First time in her life to not work 2 jobs. Despite this, she’s aged well, and is still a damn hard worker. In July discovered cancerous lymph node. Her passing away never ever crossed my mind. Until that day. Hit so fucking hard. And boy howdy was I pissed off at….whoever. Lymph node was removed about a month ago. We now start a year of pills. She’s been recovering from surgery well, but is anxious to get back to her part time job. I can’t imagine a world without her.

Reply

[-]

CheeseGraterFace@reddit

My folks died in 2007 and 2008. I’m still not sure if I’ve processed it completely. Just don’t let the last thing you say to them be an argument.

Reply

[-]

snow1868@reddit

Lost my dad nearly two years ago. Miss him every day. My mom is still doing good and I just got back from a nice visit with her. Hauled some of my dad's things down to my house to keep. I call her once a week and try to keep her up on all of the details of my kids' lives. She came down to visit for Christmas last year, hoping she'll do the same this year.

Reply

[-]

shaggy68@reddit

Mine are still narcissistic arsehole who think they did an amazing job of raising me. Im looking forward to them not getting any older because they stoped living.

Reply

[-]

Automatic_Beat5808@reddit

Dad is dead so no considerations there. But my relationship with my mom has shifted. She needs more help now. She also has no retirement or plans for when she will need full time care. My in-laws are declining and my partner, an only child, will inherit all of their, how do I say this, "crap". It feels like our future is settled for us since we will be obligated to maintain their property. I would love to move but I feel stuck. I didn't know I would have this responsibility for my elders but here we are.

Reply

[-]

sed2017@reddit

I’m estranged from my mother, I don’t get what I need from her at all. My dad has had some heart problems (a stint in his heart and a pacemaker put in) and I’m hoping he will be around for a long time… Getting older stinks sometimes… I’ll be 43 on Saturday.

Reply

[-]

Jingoisticbell@reddit

Mom is in her early 80’s. She lives by herself, drives/flies around the country to visit her kids/grandkids, mows her lawn, blah blah blah. Dad died in his mid-60’s and I’m amazed she didn’t died of heartbreak alongside him 💔❤️‍🩹 Anyway - she always preferred my younger (millennial) sister over me, so I really dodged a bullet there. 🙃

Reply

[-]

Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit

My dad passed in in November of 2023, and I miss him SO SO SO much. I think about mortality a lot more often now. My parents had me later in life so my dad was 84 and my mom turned 85 this year. They have always been amazing and we have always been close. Our relationship definitely shifted though. The first thing was when stopping by was just to spend time with them a opposed to needing something. 😄 Then it shifted again to stopping by not just to visit, but because *they* needed something. I'll never forget fishing trips with my dad when he started making comments like " you just can't do the things you used to do so easily" when we were getting in and out of the boat. Then, the last trip, I had to cradle him in my arms to get him from the boat to the ground. My big, strong, amazing dad, and here I was cradling him like a child. I sobbed all the way home after leaving their house. We lost him not too long after that. Now it's getting to be the same with my mom. I drive her to her appointments, and hold her arm when we walk in places. I helped her with her hair Monday morning because she was having a hard time reaching the back with her curler. It hit me that, here I am again, like with my dad, fixing her hair like I would my child. It's heartbreaking. Not only sad that they can't do the things anymore, but sad because that must be such a diminishing feeling for them. These parents. Capable, strong, intelligent, autonomous people finding themselves needing their child to do day to day things. I'd heard people say how hard it was to see your parents age, but experiencing for yourself alters your whole perspective on life. You begin to fear loss, and even to contemplate your own mortality. Oof. On that note, I'm off to bed cause I'm getting too old to stay up this late playing on my phone. 😆

Reply

[-]

MisRandomness@reddit

My mom has severe undiagnosed and untreated adhd and struggles with executive functioning. However, she’s also very smart and very stubborn. There is nothing I can do for her and as she has gotten older it’s gotten so bad. She lives in someone’s backyard in a rotting RV unable to get ahead in any direction for herself, it’s been 10 years, and I haven’t had any way of helping her 1 financially and 2 she’s very difficult. Part of my motivation for going to college at this age has been to be able to afford a place for her. That’s it, that’s my plan.

Reply

[-]

Savy-Dreamer@reddit

My dad died in 2019 at the age of 74. He was a horrendous human being and I had not talked to him in over 6 years when he passed. My mom lives across the country and we have a good relationship and she still works at age 73 and is married to a man 15 years younger. But she won’t come visit anymore because she is afraid to leave her cats. I have two elementary school kids and 2 in college, work a demanding career, and just haven’t sacrificed my vacation time to go visit her. I’d rather do an actual vacation instead. We talk a lot, but I do feel guilty. But she can come visit way easier than we can. And we used to pay for their tickets and everything too.

Reply

[-]

Conscious_Home_4253@reddit

My parents are 81 and 84 (I was born in 1981, surprise 😂). They were already snowbirds while I was still in high school. They are still fully with it, independent and have more energy than me.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

I can't respond to everyone, but I wish I could. I appreciate y'all sharing your experiences and feelings. I think this topic is one of those things some people just internalize and deal with however you need to. But it's nice to air it out among fellow members of our wonderfully unique microgeneration.

Reply

[-]

wanderswithdeer@reddit

My parents are in their 70s and I'm honestly very worried about it. They are still active and overall healthy, but there have been more health scares these past couple of years. They have a home on an acreage that they love but it requires a lot of work and IDK how they'll be able to keep up with it much longer. And the hardest part for me is that I want to be there to catch them when they start to fall and I'm scared I will fail. I'm Autistic (what people would call "high functioning") but too many social demands cause me a lot of stress and cause my mental health to fall apart, and I also really struggle with trying to juggle more general demands. Adding to that, my brother has schizophrenia and my parents have always helped manage that for him, so we will need to step up there, too. I do have two other siblings which will help but I feel like none of us have our shit together. My mom was great with my grandma, visited her every other day and managed her care plans and her finances. She deserves the same, but I just don't know how to pull it off. People always talk about how hard parenting is but to me this seems so much harder.

Reply

[-]

caramelpupcorn@reddit

I have finally reached the point where I am not deeply resentful of how they raised me because I *totally get it now* after years of self-reflection (and my midlife crisis). We are much better than we used to be. My parents are still married and I've reently moved closer to them. I'm worried about my dad because, while he's pretty active, it's clear he's aged and not doing so hot these days. My late night racing thoughts are often about what will happen when my dad passes. I hate thinking about it, but it's an approaching reality.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

![gif](giphy|ZBQhoZC0nqknSviPqT)

Reply

[-]

caramelpupcorn@reddit

Aw, thanks bud. Same to you 😁

Reply

[-]

wigwam098@reddit

My parents were older when they had me. Dad was 45 and my mom was 40. I have lost them both but I couldn't have asked for better parents. Not a day goes by I don't think of them. Crazy thing is, I'm 40 and I'm about to have my first child in March. Guess the Apple actually doesnt fall far from the tree.

Reply

[-]

namesmakemenervous@reddit

I live in the other side of the country and only see them every couple of years. It sucks. As an only child I don’t know what Ill do when they begin to become frail. And they are both alone and single in different cities .

Reply

[-]

Imaginary_Attempt_82@reddit

Mine are both 75 and they’re doing really well. Dad still works part time bc he wants to, mom crafts a lot. I talk to Mom almost daily- usually with Dad in the background lol. I know this could change at any given time though. I live about 15 minutes from them. I’ll be there when they need me.

Reply

[-]

lopingwolf@reddit

Mine are late 70s and for about 15 years now I've said, let's just take a fun family trip. I'm a well paid, secure jobbed adult, so I want them to spend money on experiences and memories for all of us. I know I'm super fortunate. In the mean time they sometimes update me. We live one state (5 hours) apart. And some weeks I know too much about their lives, other weeks I get a ransom text like "mom's heart procedure went well, I brought her home tuesday." and I have no context.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

Oh man! I feel you on that last part! I would be at my parents' house and one of them would casually say something like "did i tell you I spent the night in the ER last week?" 🙃 Obviously not! After a couple years of fussing about this, they finally started keeping me in the loop.

Reply

[-]

DrewBaron80@reddit

My parents are 69 and 67. They're both the same as they've always been, which is mostly good. What frustrates me is that they don't take good care of their health. My dad is overweight but doesn't exercise or stick to a healthy diet. My mom has probably never exercised a day in her life. She lost a bunch of weight from Ozempic or whatever, but her hips and ankles bother her a lot. They could both live another 10+ years having fun and being active, see their grandchildren become young adults, but I worry that that won't happen if they don't make some changes.

Reply

[-]

No-Hospital559@reddit

One of my parents went down that road and died from eating poorly with no movement. The other one is more active than ever after getting and beating cancer.. I wish my mom took care of herself but she didn't want too.

Reply

[-]

DrewBaron80@reddit

Yeah, my dad goes to work, but when he's at home he's mostly on his recliner. He quit smoking 13 years ago, but he must have done a lot of damage that way too.

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

Does he have any diagnoses related to being a former smoker? If he could get an oxygen concentrator (it's like a lunch box sized machine that will make oxygen for him) he might feel up to walking more.

Reply

[-]

DrewBaron80@reddit

I don't think he does. He's had both knees replaced, so I think those bother him the most. He does still work which requires him to get out and be on his feet which is good. But at home he only does whatever chores are a must.

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

Damn, I wish he'd started a routine after the replacements, he'd be feeling great! I hope both parents can be independent as long as possible. It's so stressful when the decline comes.

Reply

[-]

throwawayfromPA1701@reddit

I'm going through a period of semi-estrangement with them (one much more than the other) that began when we all got all that time to overthink everything in 2020. Not really sure how to reconcile it.

Reply

[-]

Itsallgood2be@reddit

My 65 year old mother just died in April. My 71 year old father has dementia and prostate cancer. He’s gone already. Share all the time you can with them. Time is very finite.

Reply

[-]

Bored_Acolyte_44@reddit

My mother is my last remaining parent and I have had her cut off for years. She went full Q-Anon and became fully toxic. So that is it. I expect to get a phone call that she died any day now.

Reply

[-]

Jerry_eckie2@reddit

My parents are elderly - both in their early 80's, but still mentally and physically fit. They were good parents (not great) but my mother is incredibly emotionally immature and growing up, everyone had to tip-toe around her sensitivities lest she burst into tears or have a temper tantrum at the slightest inconvenience. My poor old dad is her emotional regulator, so he was always a bit of a doormat. That dynamic has become more calcified in their old age, unfortunately. They just aren't that interested in anyone but themselves. My relationship with them now is fairly distant. I live a long way away from them, so apart from the occasional phone call or text message, I only see them on family occasions like Christmas or birthdays and never for more than a few hours. My mother blames my wife for "moving us so far away" when it was, in fact, because of my job, so pretty much every time we see them, mum brings it up and starts the guilt-tripping. At that point, we just say our goodbyes (my wife even has a special look she gives me to tell me it's time to go haha!). My three siblings live in the same city, but my brother and older sister are equally as distant. My younger sister is closer to my mum simply because they used to provide free childcare to her kids when they were younger, but even then they aren't "close close." I love them, and if they ever need practical or financial assistance as they get older, of course I'll always be there - but I'm gonna do that from arms length as much as possible and only by paying for their care needs, not being a care-giver.

Reply

[-]

Nerdmitage@reddit

My dad is 84 and has been in the hospital all week with COVID and pneumonia, he's going to be okay but for how long? He picked up the COVID at an appointment for a specialist for his lungs of all things. He's always at the hospital to see one specialist or another and going to one of them almost killed him. It's absolutely gut wrenching and terrifying. He lives with me so it's been awful for the dog and me with that emptyness in the house. Which I know will be real and permanent someday. This week has been a full blown existential crisis for me because they were not sure he was going to be okay for a few days there and you just realize that time just won't stop passing, which is hard when you look in the mirror but even harder when you realize that for them that means it's running out. And that it will for us someday too. Be grateful yours are just in their 60's! That's lots of time if they're relatively healthy, especially these days. Don't take it for granted, even if as an adult you don't see eye to eye with them. You truly won't care about any of that crap if they are suddenly gone, I PROMISE you. I've spent all week taking back every gripe I've had if he could just please not die. We will all have to see them go and it's very very hard the closer you get to the end. ❤️

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

My mom is a good friend and neighbor. I'm one of two daughters. I'm the more domestic type and my sister is the brains of the operation. (our brother died a few years ago but we always called him the getaway driver) So we plan to divide mom's care. Right now I'm grateful my mom is in robust health, getting around better than me to be honest. My in laws are lovely people who live at a distance. They've shared their funeral and estate plans with us, but whatever day to day life and health stuff, they shared it with their daughter who lives nearby.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

Your mom is blessed with two great daughters! 💖

Reply

[-]

NicolasNaranja@reddit

My dad just passed in August, it sucked. My Mom left her Husband for a few months and lived with me for 2 of those months before going to live with my brother for a few. I had a bad relationship with my mom as a teenager, but I have forgiven her and we have a good relationship now. My dad and I had our ups and downs, towards the end he knew who I was but often got histories mixed up with the other 5 siblings.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's really fresh. It's nice that he never forgot you. But I know it's also hard losing shared memories. Those are the difficult little losses that occur before the "final" loss. ❤️ I pray for your continued healing.

Reply

[-]

OtherlandGirl@reddit

My parents are in their late seventies now (Dad will be 80 next year!). This is a major reason why I won’t move out of state, even though I’d dearly love to - I just can’t be too far away from them. My Mom lives alone (for now), my Dad lives in a neighboring state, so I’m stuck here. I’m not really complaining, it’s my choice and I love them so much, but I do feel a little trapped.

Reply

[-]

OwlsKilledMyDad@reddit

I live 2000 miles away and it’s starting to worry me. They’re getting less self sufficient. The problem is they live in a place I’d really rather not live and raise my kid. And sibling is 1000 miles away from them and 100% not responsible or financially stable so all responsibility will fall to me. It’s stressful to think about. My kid is young and I wish we’d had him sooner.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

My parents aren't quite that old yet, but I do know the feeling. My only sibling lives out of state, so when they need help (like now, with my dad's operation) it falls to me to help. Like you, I'm not complaining. I'm glad to be there for them. But I wouldn't feel comfortable moving away from them and that does makes me feel a little trapped. My brother has invited them to come live with them whenever they truly start to slow down, so we'll just see what the future holds, i suppose.

Reply

[-]

Middleage_dad@reddit

My mom died in 2018. My dad is still alive, but the deepest conversation he can muster is about his last meal. I have no idea what state his finances are in, what his last wishes are, or what's happening with the house after he passes. He's leaving me a huge fucking mess to clean up.

Reply

[-]

PsionicKitten@reddit

I was just thinking about this because tomorrow is my mom's 70th birthday. My dad is, surprisingly 71 despite having poor health. I honestly thought he'd die in his 60s at latest with how unhealthily he eats and how sedentary he is. He had a minor cardiac infarction last year, which probably will continue to happen because he won't change anything. If he ever becomes less mobile, my mom is more than healthy enough to take care of him. I'm pretty sure my mom will out-live me though, as she's **extremely** healthy for her age (or anyone's age actually, definitely healthier than me). Her own mother lived to 78 without ever needing help for day to day things (and she was mostly bed-bound for a decade from having lyme's disease in her 50s to 60s) I'm 6'3" which cuts off my expected lifetime, plus I have high blood pressure, and damage from surviving long covid. *At best* I have a little less than 2 decades left, so I'm not too worried about losing my mom; more so her losing me before herself.

Reply

[-]

Ok-Cartographer-4226@reddit

Car accident and pancreatic cancer took both before them aging became an issue. It sucked. But this is a heartbreaking part of life for so many.

Reply

[-]

beforeburner@reddit

It is very tough. mine have recently retired and have seemingly aged a bit the last 5 years. getting to the point where i'm starting to think about planning and such. thanks for this post. my relationship has changed slightly in that I dont look to them for advice as much, as our lived experiences are quite different, however these posts have made me realize it's a good idea to visit them as much as possible.

Reply

[-]

SineQuaNon001@reddit

Lost my dad at 11. Lost my mom at 33. It sucks. Turning 41 in a few days. Almost the age dad was when he died. Tough to remember him now.

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

I'm sorry you lost both parents.

Reply

[-]

Successful_Creme8192@reddit

My dad is 87 and my mom is 75. They live a two hour flight away from me and my family. They likely will be moving near me soon because my mom has health problems and my dad , although he is in great shape, won’t be able to drive soon. It’s scary to think of how much needs to be figured out soon with them selling their house and figuring out best place to live here. And the role I will need to play working full time, raising three young kids and helping my parents through this too.

Reply

[-]

Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit

The sandwich years of being squeezed by parents and kids are tough! I got a lot of support from a Facebook group sponsored by AARP.

Reply

[-]

xennial_1978@reddit

My parents are 82 & 83. My Dad is in better shape than my mom physically but they still are on their own, drive and take care of themselves.

Reply

[-]

Far_Cut_@reddit

My parents live on both coasts. We chat once a week and text often. They're both in good health, and I'm grateful for every moment. I'll sometimes record our video calls to cherish later.

Reply

[-]

a_solid_6@reddit (OP)

What a great idea ❤️

Reply

[-]

SurfNTurf1983@reddit

They've always been there for me and drop everything if I ever need them. Be it for the grand kids or whatever. 71 and 67. Both retired now and both been pretty fit and healthy their whole lives. I do go through the anxiety and dread a fair bit now thinking about how long we'd possibly have left together.

Reply

[-]

ResponsibilityIcy187@reddit

Late 60s is still young. My parents are 74 and 76. Sadly, I think they are going to be needing assistance with activities of daily living pretty soon. Yes, they were flawed, sometimes selfish, but at least they raised me to be independent and self reliant.

Reply

[-]

copenhagen_bandit@reddit

My parents are in their early 70s. both retired, relatively good health. They live about 2-2-1/2 hours away. They come up 2 to 3x a year to visit. I have slacked and not traveled down to see them much, as I am unfortunately glued to my job. My mom does call me religiously every two days. I think I will make the trip down this Thanksgiving to visit for a day.

Reply

[-]

SelectTourist7908@reddit

My parents retired a few years ago. My dad still works a little. They moved down south and I really don’t see them anymore. It kind of sucks. I personally don’t think about their needs. They’re pretty well off. I’m more worried about one of them dying and the other having trouble coping. Being so far away there’s not much I can do to help.

Reply

[-]

EnoughMeow@reddit

Man I love my parents but it took a long time to get here and we all had to work at it.

Reply

[-]

realauthormattjanak@reddit

I solved that problem because they died in 1994 and 2012 respectively.

Reply