Dealing with parents passing???
Posted by Adventurous_Cloud_20@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 35 comments
This is a rough one. Obviously not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, I do and I count myself extremely fortunate in that.
The man I call "Dad" is actually my stepfather. He married my mom when I was 9 and my kid brother was 4. He formally adopted us a year later. He is, and always will be, my dad.
Since August he hasn't been feeling like himself. Slowing down, losing weight, in pain lot, but just associated it with getting older (he's 73) and went about his days. Just after Labor Day, he asked mom to take him to the ER, he hasn't been to the hospital, doctor's office, what have you, since 1988. I won't go into serious detail, but after that visit, tons of visits to specialists, and a biopsy and rounds of testing yesterday that only confirmed what we already knew, he's at an advanced stage of prostate cancer that's spread aggressively in the general area down there.
During the scans, they also found spots on his liver and lungs which probably aren't related to the prostate cancer, but are definitely issues in their own right that would also need treatment.
The point is, he's going to die. The chances of successfully treating his prostate cancer alone are very low, the oncologist told him so. Because it's spread everywhere, removal would be extremely difficult, and radiation wouldn't be effective enough to shrink it down before it's too late. It's already too late. They're proposing hospice care and he's already accepted what's going to happen.
I haven't.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's going to be gone. I know it's part of life, I've always known I'd have to deal with my parents passing at some point, we all do sooner or later, but I just can't see him not being here by Christmas. I can't make myself see that it's happening. Every time I try to talk about it I break down into a sobbing mess. I'm a big strong man, a Navy man, a career railroader, I'm tough as nails, I'm not supposed to cry. Crying is for wussies who can't handle the real world.
My dad's dying, he's in pain, he can't go out to do chores, he can't drive up town for coffee. He can't check fences, or check his cows, he can't climb up into the combine for harvest. We (his 4 sons) have done all the harvest, and between us and the neighbors we got everything done as of yesterday. He's happy that we've got the season finished out and mom won't have to worry about bills. 2025 is his last harvest and he didn't get to do anything. Yeah, I cried like a baby when I hauled in the last load last night. I couldn't even walk into the elevator office and get the scale ticket, the scale operator brought it out to the truck.
I don't know how to cope. My dad will be gone. Is it knowing ahead of time that's making it worse? Death on a schedule? Is it knowing what he's going to go through and dreading that for him, but also dreading watching it? I don't know.
I've lost loved ones before, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, but this is different and I don't know why.
How'd you all deal with it? I'm played out and he's not even gone yet.
snuffy_smith_@reddit
I lost both my parents when I was 18, they died together.
The pain never goes away, but it changes, we learn to keep going because life just does that even if we don’t want it to keep going.
Let go of the lie we were told that men don’t cry. When a man loses his dad he damn sure cries and if he doesn’t, why is that something to aspire to be? To prove to who that we are “so damn tough that my dads death didn’t cause me to cry go me”? Your tears are a testament to how deeply you love your dad.
Feel it, every rotten emotion, feel them.
Because if you don’t you’ll get stuck and you won’t join them for some time.
I’m so very sorry for your whole family and you.
manicpixiepuke@reddit
My dad went fast but slow and I have regrets on not talking to him more and just sitting there in silence and getting him what he needed. I wish I would have talked to him and crawled in bed with him at least once more. I also now wish I had taken more videos of him if just to hear his voice. You have some time, use it.
Assortedpez@reddit
First of all, I’m really sorry you and your family have to deal with this. Everyone says “fuck cancer” but when someone who has helped shaped you into who you are, someone you can’t imagine life without has it, it’s just different and obviously deeply personal. Knowing they aren’t going to win their battle is a terrible feeling. I lost my mother to cancer. She was first diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when I was 8. She had just recovered from an artificial heart valve surgery she had to undergo when I was 6. She told the doctor who told her the odds and she said “you’re wrong, I’m not going to die. I’m going to watch my children graduate college and I’m going to meet my grandchildren.” My sister graduated college and about 2 years later I had a son. She passed away 3 months later after battling it for 16 years. I felt robbed, I was angry and self destructive. I drank heavily, at least a bottle of 100 proof daily for the next 8 months then woke up and got sober for my son and for her. Like others have said, just go be with him and tell him how much you love him, you don’t ever get the chance again. If there’s anything he can share with you knowledge wise, now’s the time to ask. I had prepared myself for years so it didn’t hit me as hard as others in my family and her huge circle of friends because I saw her declining for years. When it’s abrupt and sudden like in your dad’s case I think it’s much harder, there are so many thoughts and emotions that only time can help with and you have to process them all much faster. If I can offer any advice, it’s to take the opportunity right now to just spend as much time with him as you can and be there for your family as much as possible through this difficult time. Have him share stories of his life with you, recipes, tips & tricks you’ve always admired him for. Just get as much insight and personal stories from him because you’ll hold that stuff so closely for the rest of your life and you won’t ever have the opportunity to get the chance again. I wish I had told my mother I loved her more often, we weren’t a family who said it so I damn well make sure I tell my kids I love them almost every day. Be well and be there for him but also take the time you need for yourself, it’s one of the hardest things we have to go through in life. ♥️
KindsOfKinkiness@reddit
Op I feel you and this made me tear up a bit because I'm going through this now too.
My step dad is 67 and has been in my life since I was 14, I'm about to turn 40 in a couple months. I still have my actual dad in my life too but my step dad, I always considered my bonus dad and now he's almost gone. He was always incredibly patient and was such a kind man.
He was diagnosed with lung cancer this past year and it is aggressive and spreading everywhere in his body now.
I'm watching this man who always had SO much energy just waste away from it. This dude survived his fucking arm being ripped off when he was a well driller even and overcame it but this cancer is just eating him alive.
It isn't fair at all to watch and it breaks my heart for my mom lately because she loves him so much and I know she feels lost too.
All I can do is be there to support them as best I can and I cook them dinners to make sure they're eating ok and sit with my step dad constantly when my mom has to run out but it still breaks my heart.
I wish you and your family peace OP.
ericthepilot2000@reddit
I just lost my Mom this past February. I offer you the most sincere condolences. I can only tell you that you will find your way through it. It won't seem like you can, but you'll find you're stronger than you realize. Just do your best. In whatever form that takes.
PersianCatLover419@reddit
Well said.
TheRoyalShe@reddit
I’ve lost both my parents and many others close to me. Through all of these experiences I have learned something I find pretty valuable. Grief is the ultimate expression of love. Only because you love your dad so much is your grief so massive. In some strange way, I find that comforting. How lucky we are to know a love that big in this life time. It won’t be easy. But it isn’t meant to be. Go ahead and fall apart. Feel every feeling. Because that’s what life is for.
PersianCatLover419@reddit
Well said.
PersianCatLover419@reddit
It happens to everyone. My silent generation parents lived very long full lives until their 80s.
Grief counseling or therapy helps and you will get a wide range of emotions, just go with them, and it takes time.
ConfidentAd9359@reddit
I feel for you. Tomorrow is 1 year since I got my Dad's cancer diagnosis. 1 year since I put in the DNR order. Friday is 1 year since I turned off the machines.
My dad had been slowly declining, nothing big. Then he got sick mid September. Thought it was COVID. Then he didn't get better. Finally got him to make a doctor's appointment - 2 weeks out. 5 days before that appointment he had me take him to the ER. And my life changed. I'm glad it went fast for him, as he didn't suffer and was medicated through the worst of it. For me, I still haven't processed everything I went through in that week.
I'm glad for you that you have time to process and help getting all his affairs in order. It's not easy. Hugs
ClockwrkAngel2112@reddit
I have not lost a parent yet, but my father has some serious lung issues that may take him much sooner than I am ready for. I am also extremely fortunate to have a really good relationship with both my parents.
Sending love and light to you and your father. I wish you all best in the time you have with him, and a peaceful transition when the time comes. 🕯️💜
VVrayth@reddit
First of all: I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know you, but you're not alone here. There are people here who understand what it's like to go through this.
The year my mom died, it was barely a week before Christmas. She had advanced lung cancer. The time from diagnosis to death was less than five months. She'd been discharged from the hospital that afternoon; hospice came to visit us after we got home. The hospice guy didn't even have time to drive back to the office before my mom was gone.
I had a great relationship with my mom, and like you, I consider myself very lucky for this. The whole saga with her cancer was such a whirlwind. Lots of trips down for me and my wife to help my parents, and to see my mom, because I knew my time with her was finite. When she first got diagnosed, I remember telling my wife that I didn't know how many more Mother's Days I had with her, or Christmases, or "happy birthdays." Turned out, I had already spent all the last ones with her and just didn't know it yet.
You asked how we deal with it. We just do. It's an inevitability, you're going to deal with it on whatever schedule the world decides you will. Life slowly reorients around your parent not being there anymore, and it really is true that time heals these types of wounds. The thing that sucks is that there's no shortcut to it. When the time comes, don't let anyone tell you that grief happens in tidy stages, because it doesn't. It's all over the map. And don't criticize yourself for not grieving "right." There's no right way. Grief is really weird to go through.
And I understand what you mean about this one feeling different. It's because this is a parent, and that's the big one. When my mom passed, the thing that was very surreal to me was how quickly she became a "was." People immediately started talking about her in the past tense. I don't know how to describe this to you, but it's goddamn eerie. I remember when I woke up the next morning, too. I was like... oh. There's no hurry. There's no rush to get anything dealt with. She's just gone now. In a way I guess that was a relief because she wasn't suffering anymore, but there was this sense of not knowing what to do with myself.
Anyway, eventually you find your new normal. I hope you find it. It helps a lot to have other loved ones there to support you. I would have been lost without my wife through all this, for sure.
syntax_sorceress@reddit
There is indeed no shortcut through the load of really hard emotions that a death of a parent, especially one we liked. There's also no way of avoiding it. I hope OP sees this because he could be at a crossroads - dealing with it the healthy way or turning to booze or whatever to drown out the reality. Many strong people have succumbed to the latter, thinking they can just keep escaping reality. But it just makes it so much worse.
I think we learn to live with the loss eventually. But it's woefully hard and humbling.
ThatThingOnTheFloor@reddit
It feels different because it is different losing someone who had such a profound impact in your life.
If there is anything you want to say to your dad, or ask him, now is the time. Talk with him. Be with him. I know it’s hard now but you’ll be glad you did it later and regret it if you don’t.
Others have also said it here, but you have time to brace yourself for the inevitable. It is a blessing in disguise to have that time. To know.
I’ve found in my years and miles that with grief or troubles and what-have-you….the only way out is through. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time if you have to. It’s a lot like rehab, grief; just survive until the next appointed event and keep going.
Astrazigniferi@reddit
I lost my mom in my 20s to stage 4 ovarian cancer. It sucked. Cancer is awful. Losing a beloved parent hurts no matter how old you are. I’m so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this process.
Your grief is a tribute to your love for him, which is beautiful. We read so many stories on Reddit about hateful or abusive stepparents that it is wonderful to read about someone worth grieving.
Tell him how much you love him. Tell him you appreciate him, how you’ve seen his hard work. Ask him questions about his life, about your mom, about your own childhood. You don’t have to dump everything in his lap, but it’s ok for him to see you cry. Let him know that you’ll take care of your mom and that the family will continue on loving each other in his memory.
Don’t second guess your decisions. You’ve done your best with the information you had at the time. Don’t feel bad if his passing makes you feel relieved as well as sad. Cancer is awful on the patient and the family. Don’t expect your grief to be linear or to move on anyone’s timeline but your own. You do not have to be tough in your grief. Cry if you need to cry. Please be kind to yourself.
Informal_Border8581@reddit
Grief is too personal for anyone else's words to help beyond letting you know that you're not alone. And use your words to clearly communicate your feelings so you don't let things fester.
iamclear@reddit
I totally get where you are coming from. My mum had a brain bleed 8 years ago and I have been slowly watching her decline since then. She has emphysema and dementia plus alzheimers (I only discovered this year you can have both at the same time). I don’t know how much longer she has but in recent months her decline is speeding up. I know it’s coming but I dread it with everything in me and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that her death is close. But at the same time her death will be a relief and I feel guilty for that.
Drilling4Oil@reddit
Lost my mother to fast acting cancer last spring. I wasn't always that great of a son to my poor mom and in her final days I didn't really get to tell her how good of a mom she was to me, because I would have had to admit that I wish I would have handled some things differently.
Now I wish I could. 😣
Just tell him how good of a person he is to have stepped in to your life as he did when many- if not most- would not. It will mean the world to him.
Dying is as much a process as an "event". Whatever your daily duties were before now, you're going to have to decide which ones you can still do while also being engaged 24/7 fully with this.
It's going to weigh profoundly on your mind and one day down the road you'll probably look back on some instances where you lost your cool. I cussed out my neighbors & had a heated argument with my aunt just conversationally for no good reason in the days leading up to my mom's passing that I still feel awful about.
After it's all said and done, your life will have a partition of "before" and "after". The sun will still rise and set, and the seasons will still come and go, although it will seem like they shouldn't, but those of the "after" will just be, well, different. Somehow, in spite of it all, you will find the strength to put one foot in front of the other, eventually.
Very sorry you're going through this.
analogthought@reddit
I went on vacation, a 14 hour drive away- the morning after I arrived I got a call my dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. Six months later he was gone. In the midst of all of this I started college (in my mid thirties) and was working full time, but I was fortunate enough to also use whatever energy leftover I had to also be his primary caregiver (despite that he was married to my step mother who basically shut down through those months). I spent as much time as I could after living away for years.
During this time it’s really about making the most of the time you have. Thinking about the conversations you want to have but haven’t, the questions you wanted to ask but haven’t, etc.
The after part is really about living with it and finding acceptance however you can until you suddenly one day are at a point where you realize they never left you and are with you in all these little ways every day. I haven’t lost my mom yet, she’s 75, somehow it feels like that one is gonna hit a lot different.
Also the best advice I was given while care giving and going through this time is that you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of anyone else. Wishing you the best.
Wonderful_Judge115@reddit
Loss of a parent is hard even when you know it’s coming. My mom battled Alzheimer’s for over 7 years and it was like losing pieces of her over and over. (It was so hard to keep grieving the loss of who she was before she was even gone.) She passed in May this year. Even though I thought I was ready and I wanted her suffering to end, losing her has been devastating. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.
JamesMattDillon@reddit
Same with my father. He is 74 and has stage 4 cancer. It sucks knowing that he will be passing away sometime
Ok-Reflection-6207@reddit
Sending love… 💕I love my mom in 2022, and i still miss her at pretty random times and for pet random reasons… I try to focus on the joy she has more than anything… much empathy as possible. 🫶🏼
Truth_Seeker963@reddit
You’re experiencing anticipatory grief. You know what’s coming, and you’re mourning his death already, and the loss of what should have been. It extremely difficult to go through.
The thing is, right now, you have time. You can ask all the questions you want to know about, you can take videos and photos, get his voice on record so you can listen to it years from now, reminisce about favourite memories, let him know how much he is loved and how thankful you are for everything he’s done, find out about how he wants to leave this world and what should happen after. My mom’s departure was very quick, and I wish I’d had more time.
PS: crying isn’t for wussies. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things we have to go through in life.
AshleyRoeder33@reddit
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s difficult to watch. My dad died this last May and it was rather sudden after a heart attack. The best I can offer is to try to enjoy what you have left with your dad. It goes fast and you’ll want to remember this time as a good one regardless of what’s going on with his deterioration. Ask the questions you have. Listen to the stories he tells, even if you’ve heard them 100 times over. Hug him often. 💙
Electronic-Ride-564@reddit
Sorry to hear about your dad. Mine is about the same age as yours and is still farming to beat hell, but one day he won't be. My mom is having some cognitive decline and I'm grieving already.
It's gonna be okay. Be there for your mom. Take the good you've learned from him and carry it forward.
Super_Moose_Rocket@reddit
As fucked up as it sounds, you have time to deal with this. Time to talk to him, tell him how you feel. Think of it this way, if he passed suddenly, what you have wanted to say but didn’t have a chance? Say those things while he’s still here and cognizant.
I’m on the other side of the coin. My father stroked out while I was at school. No one thought to call me at school. I got home to a message on the answering machine (1998). By the time he finally received hospital care, he had been without oxygen long enough to cause permanent, high functioning brain death. Only some of his autonomic brain functions were left.
I had to decide to let his body die as his mind was gone. I didn’t have time to say how I really felt. I could say things to him, but there was no reception. If I only had more time…
I’m devastated for you and your family and hope that you can help make your father comfortable in his sundown days.
72scott72@reddit
I 2nd this. I had so many things I wanted to ask my dad about, details of his experiences, words of wisdom. He dropped in the driveway out of the blue. Housekeeper found him an hour later. On a random Tuesday with no warning.
Going quick out of the blue is great if you’re the 1 going but I had no time to prepare. It gutted me for months.
Cloud_Disconnected@reddit
There's nothing anyone will be able to say to prepare you, and nothing you can do yourself. At some point you'll be on the other side of the bigger part of the mourning and the grief, but you won't be the same person. You'll carry more sorrow and pain, but you'll understand more of what life is about. If you have any kids, it's as big of a change as having your first one.
Both of my parents got very sick very fast, and they were both out of their minds. I didn't get the chance to say any of the things I wanted to, or hear the things they would have wanted to say. If you do get the chance, I hope you take it. Take care.
dogtor_howl@reddit
I’m so sorry and sending you many, many prayers of comfort and big hugs.
Although not my parent, my nana was like a parent to me. She was only 39 when I was born (my parents were still teens), and she raised me as much as they did. I lived next door to her for several years in my 20s, and we were each other’s “people,” if that makes sense. When she was about your dad’s age, she underwent a surgery that didn’t solve the issues it was intended to, leading to several months of fighting infections, dealing with a colostomy bag, etc. It became clear that her time was short, and only during parts of that time was she truly lucid and herself. It was the hardest year of my life.
At the time, I let the people around me know what the situation was and how challenging it was to cope. Of course, my husband and close friends knew the most and were great about listening to me talk about the challenges of arranging care for her (my dad—who was her only child—died a few years before this, so I was the person responsible for her) as well as listening to as I was working through my grief. Because when you know death is coming, you start grieving before the person is gone. It’s such a strange experience, and I don’t know if it’s universal, but I imagine others have felt this way.
I also let my immediate coworkers know what was going on, and I’m so glad. They were super understanding and frankly it was good to not have to make some excuse about why I might need to skip a meeting or have someone cover a class for me.
I also met with a counselor for a few sessions during this time. I knew I couldn’t dump all this grief and sadness on the people around me, and I wanted a professional to help me stay grounded. We worked on some strategies for dealing with feelings of overwhelm (which dealing with the US healthcare system certainly gave me, even with though my nana had Cadillac insurance). I’m a Christian, and my faith also helped me.
Turning to hospice was more of a relief than anything by the time we got to that point. She was in pain most days and often not in her right mind. I knew she did not want that for herself, and I didn’t wan that for her. Thankfully, we had had tough conversations when she was younger and healthier about what sorts of measures she wanted at the end of her life, and I’m forever grateful we had those discussions when she was lucid. I couldn’t get her well, but I could help her have a death with dignity and without pain. The hospice nurses were amazing. I encourage you to take advantage of the support they offer now and later—you can engage with their grief services up to a year after your loved one dies.
It’s really, really hard. It’s sad. There will be so many years. But those tears come from love, and that love is what endures.
Feeling-Archer-7511@reddit
Grief is a roller coaster. Just focus on making it through the next hour, then the day, the week etc. Eventually you will start living your new normal. You will realize you went a whole day without thinking of him and will feel terrible. Then it becomes a whole week, a whole month. You don’t forget him but you move on.
Unfortunately out of the blue something random will happen that will remind you of him. It might be you hear a certain song or come across a gift he gave you. You might possibly break down sobbing for no reason and then realize it’s the anniversary of the day he died.
The thing is you stop focusing on the pain because you have to. You have to eventually move on no matter how painful it is. No matter your relationship no parent would want you to stay stuck. They want you to live your life and live it well.
One day you will have a memory of him and smile, maybe even laugh. It takes awhile to get there but those are such sweet moments to remember. Be kind to yourself and know that every day it gets better even if it feels worse at the time. Enjoy this time you have left and make some extra memories. Don’t focus on the end, focus on the now.
Halladay_lights_77@reddit
I’m sorry man.
I’ll be turning 48 next week and it will also mark the point where my dad has been gone 1/2 my life. It hasn’t gotten any easier. I lost him suddenly to a heart attack though. He had been through a lot health related prior, but I was never prepared to loose him. Especially when I was 24.
I think knowing it is coming may be much harder emotionally, seeing it progress and eventually take him. Although, it does give you a bit of time to make the most of it and enjoy what time there is left with him. I hate to say it, but at 73 it sounds like he has had a good full life with a loving family. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else in the somewhat near future.
Just make sure to tell him that you love him every time you see him.
Allaplgy@reddit
My mom battled cancer for 5 years, and was seemingly on the upswing, then crashed hard right before I went home for Thanksgiving. Made to about 2 weeks before Christmas.
I never had a super close relationship with my folks, but we were on good terms, and they had been together for 52 years, so it was still tough to watch.
It did end up kinda kicking me in the butt a bit, and I kinda flipped my life around a bit after, quitting my job and basically becoming a skate bum for a year to clear my head before restarting and learning some new skills.
It affected my niece far worse. They were best friends, and my mom was more a mother to her than my sister was. She was the pivotal age of 13 when it happened , and she never really recovered. The next memorial I attended was hers, because addiction is a bitch.
I feel lucky to have had both parents for all of my childhood and half my adulthood, even if we have never been super close. And lucky I had a chance to say goodbye. Many do not get that.
wiserTyou@reddit
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had a few friends go through it and it was rough. No advice other than to be as present with family as you can be.
I'm a single only child with parents in their mid 70s. I'm trying to prepare myself for what's ahead, but I'm not sure. I definitely visit much more regularly these days than I used to. No more missed holidays that's for sure.
don51181@reddit
Hey, Sorry to hear you going through this. I just lost my Grandfather almost 3 weeks ago who was like my father. Saw him decline the past few years mentally and physically.
What has helped me is to accept I was going to be sad and cry sometimes. Even though like you I was in the Navy and thought I had to be tough. Also talk about your feelings. Either with a friend, counselor or pastor. Talking about the good and bad has helped me. It is a long process.
I try to appreciate what he did for me in my life and pass that along. Be that man he was to my kids and one day my grandkids.
I hope this helps some. In the meantime enjoy your time with him. Ask questions about his life, take pictures and do what activities you can. It sounds like he has raised you all right. Take it one day at a time. I thought I could not deal with my grandfathers passing and tomorrow will be exactly 3 weeks. You can do it.
Riala4@reddit
I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Cancer is the ultimate bitch. I could go into length about my own experiences but I don't know that it would help. I wish I had some profound advice for you... maybe I just wanted to offer a virtual hug...