After 11 years in the US, I wanted to rebuild my life then everything fell apart
Posted by StatementLanky4290@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 36 comments
I’m a 32-year-old woman who has been living in the United States on temporary visas for 11 years. I first came on a scholarship, never planning to stay long term, but one opportunity led to another. I earned my bachelor’s and master’s degrees, started working, and eventually built a stable career in tech.
Five years ago, two traumatic events changed my life in ways I still struggle to process. Then, two years ago, I lost my six-figure tech job due to a layoff, as well as my apartment as I no longer could afford it. The company had a toxic environment and a very high turnover rate, and the experience took a serious toll on me. After being laid off, I decided to take some time to focus on my health. My physical and mental well-being had declined, and for a while, I was bedridden.
When I started to feel stronger, I began applying for jobs again. I sent out thousands of resumes, attended networking events, and met inspiring women who later became close friends. I got interviews and even received an offer that was rescinded because I wasn’t a U.S. citizen, despite holding a valid work permit. Still, I kept going, and recently, I started seeing some positive traction with new interviews lined up.
Then my grandmother passed away today. She had always asked me to visit, often joking that I should come see her before she died. I didn’t, and now I’m struggling to live with that guilt. I was in denial and thought I’d see her one last time, but due to immigration uncertainty, I was afraid to visit.
My family needs me, and part of me wants to go home to support them and say goodbye properly. But I also know that if I leave, there’s a chance I won’t be able to return because of how strict and unpredictable the visa process has become.
I love the state I live in, but life here has been incredibly hard. I’ve been surviving, not thriving. I wanted to give myself one last chance to rewrite my story, to live authentically, to work in roles that excite me, and to build a life that feels true to who I am. But now I’m caught between family, grief, and an uncertain future.
NotMyUsualLogin@reddit
Really confused as to what visa you’re using here.
It can’t be an H1B because you “took time off” after being laid off.
Can’t be the F1 visa because that has FT limitations on it.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
It is F1 visa. I was put in the lottery for H1B but I didn’t get picked.
lluluna@reddit
For 11 years?
I empathize with your difficult predicament right now but honestly, none of the reasons that you described should have come as a surprise.
You are forced into 2 difficult choices now not because of what happened but lack of planning and building a Plan B. The good news, it's never too late; you can still make a choice and face the challenges. Living life authentically doesn't mean you get everything you want but you choose wisely and accept the good AND the bad. All the best!
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Yes, I’m a stem major so I got work authorisation and an extension and my plan was always to get a permanent visa such as H1B or other visa types but it really is easier said than done. My name wasn’t chosen in the lottery, that was out of my control.
Different-Audience34@reddit
It sounds like you've exceeded the maximum amount of unemployed days than you OPT STEM extention usually allows for. You could always see of you can still obtain Canadian residence.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I never exceeded the amount as I’d always make sure to either be employed or enrolled in a program.
PeterNjos@reddit
You've been here 12 years on an F1 visa? OPT is only good up to 12 months (for each higher degree). Were you a High School F1 student? That's still a very long time on an F1 student. And before someone says anything...if you are in the USA illegally yes, the odds of you not being allowed back are very high.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I got a bachelors and worked during my bachelors under CPT then I got one year of OPT then I got an extension so that would be 4 years, I got into a masters program afterwards and got another CPT and now I’m doing another advanced degree. I am NOT in the US illegally and I never was.
Yeah it’s a long time to be in the US on an F1 but my story isn’t unique and there are many others in my shoes.
NotMyUsualLogin@reddit
How are you legally working a full time job, then?
elkirstino@reddit
Why are you scrutinizing their visa situation? Why does it matter?
NotMyUsualLogin@reddit
Because it could well be pertinent on answers.
elkirstino@reddit
Sure, but it feels like you’re using this information to try to catch OP in a gotcha so you can thumb your nose at them about maybe overstaying a visa, not give them contextual guidance…
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I was doing it under CPT and OPT so all done legally.
bananapancakesforone@reddit
What would life look like if you went back home now and stayed? Would you be surviving there also or is there a better chance to thrive?
Mansoursehhat@reddit
Stay in the U.S. and try your best. Look forward and be strong. Many people lose close relatives while in the U.S.
Legomaniac913@reddit
I totally understand how your feeling, since that's what I had to go through myself 6+ years ago. I also lived in the US for 12 years, all my closests friends were there, had a decent career, but the H1B lottery just wasn't so kind to me. Forced to leave the US was the lowest moment of my life, as the US was really all I knew. I still remember the pain and the dread that I went through...
However, what I can tell you now, is that I'm in a really good spot. I've left the US, found a job closer to my home country with a more natural cultural fit. I got to spend more time with my family, including those that recently passed away, and I'm so happy that I didn't have to deal with the immigration BS any more. I also met my significant other soon after leaving the US, when I struggled with dating there.
I think sometimes the world gives you signs (especially so with the current administration and US political climate), and even though it's impossible to know how my life would have turned out if I pushed to stay in the US (e.g. do a Ph.D I would have disliked, married someone hastely), I can say that leaving has turned out well for me.
You'll have a difficult couple of months or years ahead of you, but I hope that my example can give you some hope for the life you may build away from the US.
Gilgamesh-Enkidu@reddit
Something just isn’t adding up here. A job has no way of knowing if you are a US citizen or not, all they can check is that you have the right to work in the US. That’s why so many applications/hiring processes ask if you will ever need work sponsorship in the future.
I also don’t understand what sort of work visa you could have had for the past 11 years that makes sense for the situation you are describing.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I asked them to sign my CPT paper that allows me to work legally and that’s how they knew that I wasn’t a citizen. I’m under a program that allows me to study and work at the same time.
I’m also a stem major so when I got my work authorization, it would add extra 3 years extension cos of STEM.
Gilgamesh-Enkidu@reddit
But you say that you already have a Master’s. Is this for a PhD?
Either way, CPT is work study. I don’t see what sort of career you built on part-time work. It also doesn’t create any pathway for staying as the idea of the CPT program is to get American experience for your degree before going back. I just don’t really understand what the plan was. You’ve been in the US on work study visas for 11 years, surely you realized that you were just postponing things.
Your only option is to find a company that will sponsor you since you are basically applying as a foreigner, which was doable before but with the market now has become a lot more difficult. Either that, or maybe try Canada if you are in an in-demand field.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I do have a masters and I enrolled in a machine learning program too that I started recently. It’s not a PhD although I did consider it.
I didn’t want to be in temporary CPT or OPT status, I know others who were in my shoes that were able to get a permanent visa type after being on CPT or OPT. Yes I had wishful thinking, yes I was clinging on to hope.
I have fellow classmates who have been working full time at their companies while doing CPT, they’ve been there for three and four years so it’s not unheard of. It’s not an ideal plan or a situation but I wanted to give it a go.
I think for now, I have to go back home and be with my family. As much as I love living here, I need to make sacrifices.
Gilgamesh-Enkidu@reddit
“ I didn’t want to be in temporary CPT or OPT status, I know others who were in my shoes that were able to get a permanent visa type after being on CPT or OPT.”
Thats fine but you made a conscious decision to roll the dice, and it didn’t work out. Time to come up with an actual plan. Best course of action here is to A. Start applying and seeing if a company will sponsor you, or B. To go back home.
Please understand that if my words seem harsh it’s not because of any ill will towards you. It’s because I’ve lived abroad for almost a decade and have seen this story play out dozens of times across several countries. And when it doesn’t work out, the person is left having spent a decade or two (the most I knew that someone did it for was 30 years of waiting trying to get permanent status; they had to leave and had nothing to show for those 30 years) in a country and then they have to start all over again. If you think the risk is worth it, then that’s on you.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Yes I rolled the dice because I’m a very persistent person and never like to give up. I felt like I invested my time, money and a lot of things and I was still attached to this place.
I was indecisive about leaving or staying at one point too and kept going back and fourth. I’ve felt guilty all these years because my family wanted me to be home and didn’t support me studying abroad to begin with. I wanted the experience, I wanted the independence, I want the education and the career, and I wanted the adventure. I was a scared and sheltered 19 year old but I still did it.
It’s unfortunate to hear this is a common story. I wish I was never in this predicament, I wish that I didn’t like it here this much. I was ambitious, naive, stubborn, had a vision for myself and wanted that vision to happen so bad. I was riddled with anxiety too due to the immigration stuff and trying to figure it out.
Sea_Finding2061@reddit
But you have decided on staying?
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Yes I did. It wasn’t an easy decision. My plan was getting a green card via work and going back and fourth.
Sea_Finding2061@reddit
What's stopping you from going back home if I may ask? I don't know what state you are in but the whole country is going in the direction of fascism. How can this be better than your home country?
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I’m in California so the majority of people are liberals like me and share like minded views. I’m not a fan of the direction this country is going to, I have few interviews for next week but I’ll have to cancel them and go back home.
My home city isn’t necessarily a place I see myself living in long term, but the least I can do right now is be there for my family. I couldn’t go before due to them rejecting new visas and my visa needs renewal.
hajimenokizu@reddit
I'm a US citizen but didnt grow up in the US. I came to the US in my 20s and I'm now in my 40s. It's a hard life I feel like in the US work place. I worked my way up from the bottom and each time I got to a good place in my job something would happen out of my control. For example I've been laid off a few times due company restructuring and bankruptcy. Either way I always landed on my feet and kept management roles. But I'm done, there's been personal changes that happened in my life that the job I currently am at would not show any goodwill or humanity and it really showed me how dog eat dog the US workplace is. I'm fortunate enough that i know what kind of life i want, have enough of a scarcity mindset and I had saved enough to leave. I can live a modest life and not work again but if i wanted more than that i do have to work. Family is important to me but I know not everyone can just up and leave. My mom thinks I should keep working because I'm "young" still. I dont feel young though, I'm burned out and can't stand propping up people who don't care about you as a person. Try to find out what matters to you and have confidence that you can make opportunities for yourself wherever you decide to locate to. You may not be the person you think can handle that change, but the person you need to be will be born when that time comes.
Liberatedexpat@reddit
Hey, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Sounds like a whole lot to process right now - above all in this time of mourning and sadness.
You could never guess that time would run out so quickly on you with your grandma. Your visa situation understandably have made it difficult to honor your wishes to see her and to spend more time with your family.
Sounds like you have had to deal with a series of losses - including upheavals in your career, living conditions etc. that must have been awful to go through. The fact that you are starting to feel stronger, getting interviews and thinking about rewriting your story says you are facing loss and adversity with courage. I am not sure where you get that courage from but you sees determined to make a go of the opportunities where you live. You are keeping hope alive about your dream- that sounds so important.
Find ways to honor your grandmother's memory, your relationship with your parents too; even if from afar. Give yourself that chance to live authentically - I think you really deserve that!
Mark, MSW
Global Expat Mental Health Strategist
Liberated Expat
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for the kind words. All these losses and traumatic events in such a short period of time affected me a lot. My brain tries to make sense of it by blaming myself, saying that maybe it’s my fault somehow.
I look at myself as a weak person because I’m so sensitive, but my friends do think I’m courages and brave. I don’t know where I get it from, there is just this small thing inside me that keeps telling me to keep going. Despite all the pain, despite all the uncertainty, despite all the exhaustion. I know I have to move forward.
I was selfish for choosing the abroad life because I enjoy the state I live in, and I wanted to finally rewrite my story, make it, and thrive. One of my biggest fears was my grandmother passing, I have death anxiety in general but I’d always be relieved when my mom would tell me she’s doing okay.
Although the city I grew up in doesn’t fit my lifestyle or personality, I feel like I need to honour my grandmother and mom's wishes. They’ve been wanting me to go back for the longest time and this is the least I can do. I’m in a lose lose situation, and now I lost someone I love very much. I wish she knows how much I love her. I know she wouldn’t want me to suffer and feel this way.
ubfeo@reddit
Why not take that education and skills back to your home country and be with family and build a goid life there ?
Maybe you can prosper and help the country.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
I can definitely do that although my personality and my lifestyle fits the current state I live in more but the cost would be living in guilt and what ifs.
expatforward@reddit
Fresh grief, guilt, 11 years of visa precariousness, career instability, health challenges, and the impossible choice between family and your rebuilt life is staggering. Prolonged uncertainty and loss compounding in ways that would break most people, and you're still standing.
From a psychological perspective, it's important to recognize that you made the decision not to visit based on legitimate fear of losing your legal status. That was survival calculation under impossible circumstances. Guilt often emerges when we feel we had more control than we actually did. You were trapped between two losses, and you chose the one that felt less permanent at the time.
The "surviving not thriving" distinction you've made also very important. After 11 years, if the primary feeling is still survival mode rather than building a life you want, that's data worth listening to. The question is whether continuing this fight is serving your actual well-being, or whether it's become something you're doing because you've already invested so much.
Your family needs you now, your body and mind have been signaling for years that they need rest and stability. The interviews and "positive traction" are encouraging, but they're also happening within a system that has consistently proven itself unreliable and extractive for you (rescinded offers due to citizenship, toxic work environments, constant visa uncertainty).
This might be one of those moments where the universe is forcing a decision you've been avoiding. Really.. going home for your grandmother's funeral is definitely NOT giving up on your American dream, it might be choosing your mental health, family connection, and the chance to actually thrive somewhere instead of perpetually surviving here. You can always rebuild a career.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.
It seems to me like the universe keeps sending me signs that this isn’t where I’m supposed to be, but I was so stubborn and wanted to rewrite my story. I wanted to have stability, I wanted to have the job I always wanted, the hobbies I always wanted. I envisioned myself going back and talking, hugging and kissing my grandmother. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of death and had death anxiety for years and I’d always try not to think about it.
Yes there are some good opportunities, and positive traction from interviews as well as folks I networked with but at what cost? My grandmothers and moms wish is for me to be there. I have to do what is right although it’s not my ideal situation.
I wanted to leave under my "own" terms, with a stable job and papers sorted. The universe had other plans though.
Kiwiatx@reddit
What valid work permit are you on? F1 OPT? Which requires sponsorship for an H1B when the OPT expires?
This is unfortunately a very common situation now. However you have some very valuable education and work experience. It might be time to leverage that investment in your home country or another country that you don’t require company sponsorship to work.
Studying abroad is not a guaranteed path to immigration in any country.
StatementLanky4290@reddit (OP)
Yes I was under both OPT and CPT and while under OPT a company wanted to sponsor me but my name wasn’t chosen in the lottery.
When I first came here, I came on a scholarship and my focus was my studies as well as my career. When I knew I could legally do an internship and work for a year or more, I decided to pursue that.
I really loved this state and got attached to it, and this is why it has been very difficult to leave. My ideal scenario was to get a green card so I could go back and fourth.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
Go make your dreams come true in your home country, OP!!