I miss being an expat
Posted by poodaveeda@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 74 comments
My wife and I decided to take a long honeymoon after our summer 2024 wedding and moved to central Europe for a year. I worked remotely and she had some savings, so we were set up for a while. It’s important to note that we’d never officially decided that it would only last for a year.
Sometime into the experience, she became homesick, mostly due to missing family, and shared as much with me. We’d already had some pretty wonderful experiences together, traveling to a number of new destinations for both of us, enjoying great food, beautiful cultures, and breathtaking landscapes. Trying to be a good new husband, I agreed that we could cap our time abroad at a year, and we began to make plans for our return.
We zeroed in on a city in the southeast US close enough to both our families and big enough to offer ample job opportunities for my wife, who is a super hirable educator with years of experience and her master’s.
After arriving this summer, I did my best to acclimate and remain open to life back in the US. I have to say, however, that it just has not happened. There’s so much I miss about our living abroad experience.
The public transit. The walkability. The freedom from random strangers interrupting your peace. The affordable international travel. The freshness of the food. So many things.
My wife and I have begun to recognize that moving back may have been a mistake, and we’re looking at where we may look to move next year.
Has anyone else experienced anything like that? Am I just being too picky or rash in not wanting to stay? Nowhere is perfect but holy cow the US really does feel like a mess right now.
Any insight is appreciated.
PomegranateDry3147@reddit
Was in Europe for 5 years came back 7 years ago. Ex wife wanted to come back state side and settled in the NE Florida area. I immediately wanted to go back to Europe. I got really depressed, ex wife got super toxic which didn’t help my depression. It’s almost like she used me to go experience Europe then get back state side and just shrug off the entire time we lived in Europe. Anyway we got divorced I feel worlds better and planning on going back to Europe next spring.
Honestly, my experience back in the US hasn’t been the greatest although there has been some good things that happened but it’s been nothing but feeling like Sisyphus over here in America.
And no I don’t think it’s all puppies and unicorns in Europe or anywhere else in the world. It’s just the US brings out a crappy side of us that I would rather not have anything to do with.
elevenblade@reddit
I agree with you completely, OP, for exactly your same reasons. I emigrated from the US to Sweden eight years ago. I still visit the US frequently for family, friends and financial reasons. It feels like such a relief every time I get to head home to a place with sane people and great quality of life.
ZookeepergameSoft358@reddit
Did you find it challenging to pick up the language? What other things have challenged you as an American in Sweden?
elevenblade@reddit
Learning to speak any new language is a lot of work. That said Swedish is easier (for native English speakers) than German or Spanish.
I’m a physician. Getting a medical license and getting my specialty training recognized was a lot of work but it was doable.
Other than that I haven’t had much trouble fitting in to Swedish society. I think my personality works well with mainstream Scandinavian culture and I’ve made some really great friends here.
Funny_Top_7398@reddit
I read somewhere that statistically Swedish was the easiest language US citizens (or other English speaking peeps) to learn
ZookeepergameSoft358@reddit
Thank you for that feedback. I have visited Sweden and enjoyed it, but I’m not sure if I would fit long term. Considering it though!
already-taken-wtf@reddit
We also feel relieved and calm when heading to Sweden…and we’re Europeans;p
Academic-Balance6999@reddit
We lived abroad for 6 years and were ready to come back home to the US after about 5 years. I did have the opportunity to return after only 2 years and said no as 2 years were not enough time.
All to say: I think it makes sense to want to go back, as you weren’t done with the experience yet. But it may not mean you want to live abroad forever. It might make sense to play out some life scenarios— do you want kids, and if so do you want them to be third culture kids? Could you imagining retiring early somewhere else? Etc.
deep-sea-balloon@reddit
100% agree with you. One year isn't very long. I've lived abroad for ten years total, done it all, and now I'll be ready to return to the US. It's not so easy to leave atm, so we still have a few years ahead of us. Also, I'm steeling myself for the reverse culture shock which is pretty unavoidable. When the time comes, however, I'll be ready to go!!
One big reason is being a parent and wanting my child to not be completely one nationality, culturally, live near family and improve their English.
Academic-Balance6999@reddit
Agree— seeing my friends’ kids go through university abroad, and being emotionally attached to countries where they didn’t have full linguistic competency or legal right to work, gave me pause. I do have friends raising kids fully integrated in places like Spain and I worry about them being so attached to a country with such limited economic prospects. And then I have friends whose kids’ whole lives were lived in places like Switzerland, but don’t speak Swiss German and aren’t planning to serve in the army. If you want to stay, full integration seems to be the way to go, but what might be a great place for older adults with established international careers (eg spain) might not be a great place to be a young adult.
Defiant-Dare1223@reddit
I've moved prior to my eldest being one and although I love this place still mentally getting to grips with the concept of doing 25 years here. But I will unless forced otherwise (bought house etc)
Academic-Balance6999@reddit
I feel like you’re the best case scenario though— your kid is young enough to get full social and linguistic integration, but with British parents / passport they will also be able to work in the UK if they want. And you’re not too far from home— you can go for a weekend. It was a 12 hr flight (plus extra travel on either end) for me to get home.
deep-sea-balloon@reddit
I hear you loud and clear..my child is a toddler and the other parent is from here (we're a binational family) and it's still hard. Because now, my child is like everyone else through and through, just with an American mother. But no, I'm not just - and they strikes to the heart of identity. My kid is both, not only one. And we intend to demonstrate that.
It also helps that I never left the US with the mindset of "fleeing". I also don't reject my background not apologize for it. I don't apologize for political situations either 🤷🏾♀️I also am not escaping financial issues or overbearing family. Thus I was always open to returning or even going elsewhere.
peanutbutterloverx@reddit
Expat life is where it’s at. I’ll never settle in one country forever after having experienced so much of the world. I’m in Canada and things aren’t much better. North America is boring and overrated.
Key_Use_4634@reddit
Hey do you believe that moving that much is positively affecting your child? I’ve recently moved abroad and although I believe my 3yo and my wife are happy here, I’m afraid my kid will grew up without a sense of belonging, we are not from the best place of the world but it’s a place where family and culture are strong. Just trying to get a perspective from someone in a similar scenario
eldercito@reddit
Same question, how is your child doing socially?
Exolotl17@reddit
I returned home to Germany more than twelve years ago and not a single day has passed that I felt homesick for Shanghai...I've never settled again back "home". I feel you.
livadeth@reddit
Same, moved back to the US during the financial crisis in 2008 and have longed to go back to Spain or Asia. Lived abroad for 20 years, Asia and Europe.
Clarity2030@reddit
"The freedom from random strangers interrupting your peace." I left the USA decades ago. Return less and less frequently. I'm curious what this means? When I am there I insulate myself with family in the Pacific Northwest so maybe you mean in the bigger cities?
Sassywhat@reddit
During my almost two decades in the US, I spent some months as a digital nomad in Germany and in Thailand, and those experiences, and the experience of returning to the US after those, definitely influenced my eventual long term move to Japan
MisterManWay@reddit
Time to have kids. It’s an even bigger adventure than traveling. And since your family is nearby they can watch the kids as they get older and you can vacation back in Europe!
MrNektarius@reddit
I have several New Zealander friends who lived in Europe, moved back to NZ, didn’t like it and moved back to Europe.
cosmicchitony@reddit
Many expats feel that reverse culture shock when they return home too. It sounds like you and your wife could benefit from talking through what you both valued most abroad and exploring a move that balances her need for connection with your craving for that lifestyle, good luck.
Angel_Sorusian_King@reddit
I would say, if you miss living in Europe this much, I would take the leap and make it permanent.
The United States is a massive mess, and its current political climate is not going to get better for a while.
Nomad_FI_APAC@reddit
We’re dual nationality US/AU. We don’t reference the word home to any of our family and friends. We never got homesick. Mostly everything can be bought here. Family and friends we use social media. We make annual trips to SEA for our family vacations. We definitely keep ourselves busy.
When we visited US for my brother’s wedding pre-Covid, and after a few weeks with my family, close friends, and old colleagues, we decided living in the US just wasn’t for us anymore. Too much family drama. As for Corporate, even if we did climb the corporate ladder, there’s never work life balance. Weekends also always busy either running errands or even meeting up with someone. Weekends prefer to spend time on ourselves.
Our close friends and family members understand why we made our decisions and even applauded us for our determination and commitment to create our own life overseas. It’s the lifestyle choices that we make now that we appreciate.
Thoonixx@reddit
It’s a mess everywhere in the US these days but you picked the most dysfunctional region to settle back in.
Best of luck as you plan your move back abroad
newschick46@reddit
I just moved back after being in SE Asia for four years and I lowkey hate that I’m in the U.S. again. I didn’t have the choice. Company moved us back. Aside from the conveniences the the U.S. offers and family (that are not even close to us), there is nothing that I like about being here. I know I am sounding so negative and Debbie downer, but I loved my life in Asia. I loved my community, the genuine friendships I had, the access to travel, the food, the low cost of goods and services (compared to here). I can go on and on. Life in the U.S. feels sterile and inorganic. Most are in a rush, on edge.
lalanaca@reddit
Where in SE Asia were you living?
H3scr0w@reddit
Hi!
Which tool do you use to calculate and simulate costing live in some famous countries?
I used personally this one which is particulary accurate and reliable: https://www.salarynettax.com
I wanted to know if others has used it before as well.
I planned to move from France to uae or Oman!
Tell me your famous list please !
poodaveeda@reddit (OP)
We have used Numbeo’s https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/comparison.jsp
H3scr0w@reddit
Ok Thanks. The design is old school 😅. I think I will keep using salary net tax !
doepfersdungeon@reddit
US you can make more money and escape to Europe every few years
Europe you can make less money and escape the US forever.
Up to you really.
Imaginary-Ad5001@reddit
This.
Entebarn@reddit
Love this and so true! I’d happily take a $120,000 pay cut to return to living in Europe.
Defiant-Dare1223@reddit
Switzerland
lmneozoo@reddit
Not as easy for not Europeans sadly.
Defiant-Dare1223@reddit
But also not that hard
No-Essay-7667@reddit
You are suppose to stay out and come visit family like twice a year to get your fix (Thanksgiving and Christmas)
Jealous-Engineer-225@reddit
I get where you're coming from - and perhaps you don't miss being an expat as much as you miss those places you loved in Europe. And let's be honest, living in Europe where veeeryy different countries are just a short plane ride away is very different from living in the US. Hey, life's too short to spend it somewhere where you feel like you don't belong, so go for it and make your move :)
Entebarn@reddit
It’s been 16 years since I returned to the US and I still haven’t adjusted. I am constantly trying to return to my life abroad, but my husband isn’t on board. Go back and never return!
ImMeltingNY@reddit
I'm looking to move out of the US early next year. I'm leaving people I love behind, but I also have to go find my happiness for a while. Not to say I don't love my family, cause I do, I have been working since I was 14 and really just want to live for me, and not be beholden to a shit job any more.
scodtt@reddit
Every time I'm in the US I notice that I'm just tense, always looking around, kind of short of breath. Just tense.
When I land in Costa Rica and get off the plane I feel like I'm breathing deeply for the first time since I left. By the time I'm home the tension is gone and I feel I can be myself.
So... Yeah. 100 percent.
poodaveeda@reddit (OP)
Pura Vida, Mae
Iheartwetwater@reddit
Been back in the state after 6 years living in East Asia and absolutely hate it. The only thing keeping us here temporarily is our offspring . Everything here is not up to my expectations on life anymore and I’m glad I realize that at a relatively young age age.
lmneozoo@reddit
If you lived full time in Europe, your salary would be 40-50% of what you're earning in the US...it's not really that affordable when you're actually local. So take that I to account
ConsciousSea2841@reddit
Living abroad and visiting the US often for work I totally understand your sentiment. The US is simply unlivable if you have spend serious time in most EU countries
tedddittt@reddit
that really nails it
Objective-Win7524@reddit
When you experience healthy food out of US, it will be a one-way road
Defiant-Dare1223@reddit
The U.S. has healthy food.
tedddittt@reddit
Wife and I lived in Italy for 7 years, moved back this past january to the southeast and have missed it severly. I don't want to move back to Italy but we must move out of the US, it is terrible here and only getting worse by the day while all I read is how "great" everything is, total BS. The way the US is being run for the wealthy to grower infinitly richer while they literally steal from the public on a daily basis makes me long for the days of a goverment that supports its citizens healthcare and well being. Nowhere is perfect but this place feels like one of the worst.
This-Decision-8675@reddit
Can we stop using the term expat?
_Administrator_@reddit
Can we stop people not knowing the meaning of expat?
EastCoastReflux@reddit
Why is that frowned upon? Genuinely curious.
brass427427@reddit
Some weeks ago, I suggested 'r/peoplewholiveabroadinaforeigncountrybutarenotcitzens' but it didn't catch on.
i-hear-banjos@reddit
You cam to the wrong sub if you don't like the term the sub is named after.
rotdress@reddit
I was going to say… in the expat sub?
w41twh@reddit
bro why are you commenting this on the sub called “expats”
LibrarianByNight@reddit
Why? It applies to some people's specific situations.
70redgal70@reddit
Why? It's a legitimate term depending on the audience.
mintpomegranate@reddit
Wee woo wee woo, it’s the word police! Beep beep! 👮 Term policed coming through! 🚨
mkroberta@reddit
Thank you
RespectNo9085@reddit
Wow, very interesting experience to share. I've heard that from many Americans. I live in New Zealand, for the qualities you mentioned, I'm pretty sure it beats most European countries.
Nevertheless, I had a trip to Salt Lake city Utah last year and I was really astonished, the built of the city, the landscape, the scale of things, the overall beauty of the city and how nice people were made me really sad that I had to go back to NZ.
Pretty sure that was just a brief touristy thing and if I startes living there I would have felt differently.
Just wanted to share another point of view as well.
brass427427@reddit
Hell, I feel like that after being there a week.
Jungvieng@reddit
100% agree
cashewkowl@reddit
Did your wife work in Europe? Because if she’s a certified teacher, I’d suggest having her look for jobs in international schools and with her salary and your remote work, you could do quite well.
CaymanCigars@reddit
Left the US in 2019 and moved to a Caribbean island. I see a lot of people struggle with leaving friends and family behind. At the end of the day you need to decide what it is that you want most out of life. In my opinion, there is no greater experience in life than traveling and learning from other people. You can always tell when you've met someone well traveled. They are more well rounded, more comfortable in themselves. You can always go back and visit people, and visiting family from abroad always makes the time you spend with them more special and important.
There is no greater education than the one you get from being an expat, in my opinion. I had traveled a lot of the world before leaving the US and thought I had a greater understanding of everything because of the traveling. But nothing compares to actually living in a place that is vastly different from what you are used to.
Local-Amphibian-4732@reddit
This US is a corporation and the non 1% are the worker bees. So yes, this makes sense. I want to move away, too.
Informal_Republic_13@reddit
I want to know more about randoms strangers- that doesn’t happen to me any more often in the US than abroad. Maybe that’s a regional or southeastern thing? People are “too friendly”?
KiplingRudy@reddit
Go back to where you were happy. And remind your families that they're allowed to visit you sometimes.
MedicalRevolution521@reddit
Unless you live in NYC, the US is a cultural wasteland. For me, I’d rather be back in Southeast Asia, yes there is the poverty but there is community and extended family, unlike the US where you’re just pretty much on your own.
Professional-Yak1392@reddit
I totally get this feeling. Going back after living abroad is a massive adjustment, not just coming over. You're not being picky at all; those things you miss are real benefits. It sounds like that European lifestyle really worked for you both. Maybe look into different regions, see what clicks.
mercatua@reddit
I‘m glad your wife also wants to move abroad again! You’re lucky -- I know of many relationships having a hard time because they don’t want to stay in the same country as the other. The first thing that popped into my mind reading this though: will she get happy not working? Depending on the country it’s difficult to impossible to recognize her degree, and with the language barrier and all… But I guess you can always come back so nothing to lose here!
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Many, many such people: https://www.google.com/search?q=reddit+miss+being+an+expat+moving+back+may+have+been+a+mistake
thelonedungeoneer@reddit
Dad lived in Italy for 3 years and had an absolute blast. Spent Christmas in the Alps, biked around Spain and Greece, and did so much traveling. He came back to the U.S. a few years ago for my step mom's family, and he has been miserable ever since. He wants to leave again so badly.