I actually did that when my kids were little. At this point in my life, I’m looking for something with more flexibility.

"Not everyone's family is so far up your ass you could wear them as a hat." wouldn't mean that I think having your family be close is like wearing them as a hat. It's not a statement about what having them is like, it's a statement about *how close they are*. You have the reading comprehension of a five year old dude. I wasn't even complaining about it, I was commenting on you saying "if they're your parents or in laws you would see them regularly", as if everyone has your family dynamics. Same thing with my brother, calling him estranged because we haven't crossed paths in a couple months when that's all you know is wild.

School is free - but if you work 9-5 you will need to use aftercare which varies drastically but a fair number is probably $250 a month, so not much. Summer coverage gets pricey for camps if you need care in the summer. There’s a huge savings for families when they finally get their kids into Kinder.

DGlen@reddit

Daycare is expensive. Expensive enough that you suck it up and deal with the inlaws

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DameWhen@reddit

It's a different culture in America. There's more pressure to behave well for your family. Your in laws are less likely, like, torture you, because there's a looming threat that they could be cut off if they don't respect you or if you don't like them.

There's less assumption that you can treat your child or your child's spouse badly, and just get away with it.

Family doesn't necessarily stick by family just for reason of blood. Old people don't necessarily get extra respect just because they're old. Everyone is equal in America. You have to continually earn respect through good action.

Children cut off their parents all the time, so the stereotypical "mean mother-in-law" just isn't as much a thing, here.

Don't get me wrong-- narcissists and bad actors are in every country, it's just that those people are more likely to experience consequences in America, due to this "equal respect", individualized culture.

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MILFschake@reddit

I’m with you. Most people I know could not stand having their parents stay for months.

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1MrE@reddit

My mother in law has been more of a mother to me then my own mom.

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CaterpillarNo6795@reddit

There may be a difference in the average size if houses. It's a lot different to host someone for months in a m7ch larger house

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Acceptable_Tea3608@reddit

Not the inlaws, thus peraons GRANDparents. Another generation up.

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Either-Meal3724@reddit

I would be fine with my in-laws staying for months. Could not handle my own parents lol.

My husband and I briefly lived with his parents in their house before we ever had kids. They are very easy to live with. I adore my MIL -- she is like a second mom to me.

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PAXICHEN@reddit

I’d kill myself.

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Creepy_Push8629@reddit

My grandma lived with us for a year when i was eleven. In a small 2 bedroom apartment with my parents and 3 of us kids. You just live.

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bluescrew@reddit

Yeah we had 4 adults and 4 kids in my mother's childhood home. It had 3 cramped bedrooms and a loft that we filled with bunk beds.One bathroom with no shower (the shower was in the basement)

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Droid202020202020@reddit

We don't always have to share spaces. Perhaps it's different if you live in an apartment, but in a house there are ways to isolate yourself for a while.

If my visiting in-laws start getting on my nerves, I just excuse myself and go to the basement and watch some TV or exercise (in winter) or just take a stroll outside.

la-anah@reddit

Most people in the US do live close to family. I think it is around 80% of the population lives within 100 miles of where they were born.

But relying on grandparents is still not all that common. For many families, grandparents are still working their own jobs and don't have the time to help with childcare.

I live in the Boston area, and while I don't have children myself, I know my friends who do pay $2,000 to $3,000 per month per child for daycare.

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Objective-Amount1379@reddit

I think here a lot of grandparents are too old to watch kids full time. My parents had me around 40, I opted out of kids but my friends waited until they were mid thirties to 40ish... So the grandkids are born when the grandparents are 70 or older. Caring for a newborn is too much for many

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SukunasStan@reddit

My son's grandparents are only 49, 50, and 52 (both my parents and my man's parents had us when they were in their 20s). The 52 year old is the only one who doesn't work but she doesn't work because she's disabled (she can only financially support herself due to SSD and housing assistance) so her caring for a rambunctious 10 month old is impossible.

This has been my experience, too. My daughter’s grandparents on both sides are all 71-76 years old. :-/

So envious of anyone with younger grandparents who can help out!

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Weightmonster@reddit

Yeah. Grandparents are either working or too old/frail to watch them.

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Honeybee3674@reddit

My parents were still working when our kids were young. My husband's dad was also, his mom was primarily a SAHM, and moved close to us when SIL had a baby. She did primary childcare for her two girls (7 years age difference). I had 4 kids in 7 years. She wouldn't have been able to handle mine on top of that (her own 2 kids were 8 years apart, as we're she and her brother---she doesn't understand close sibling dynamics). Plus, I didn't want my kids over there that much. I didn't care for her child reading style (shaming, cry it out, leaving babies in devices nearly all day instead of holding them at all, threatening them that strangers in a store might come spank them if they misbehaved, etc ). I also didn't want my kids exposed to secondhand smoke all day everyday.

So, I was primarily a SAHM, with some freelance work to keep up a resume and bring in a little money. MIL would take a toddler/preschool kid for a couple hours to play with a cousin, and they were fine there for a couple hours. MIL and FIL could just be grandparents to my kids instead of caretakers and that worked better.

It worked because we were in a LCOL area at the time and I had access to a lot of community supports and a medium sized city with family friendly things to do. Our city is no longer LCOL and housing alone is exponentially more expensive now. Which is one reason why many people are having many fewer children later in life, or not having any at all.

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Wunktacular@reddit

80 miles can be 4 hours of driving if one or both parties live in a city. I wouldn't call that close, personally.

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All-Stupid_Questions@reddit

Agreed, but turns out nearly 60% of young adults live within 10 miles of where they were born, so that's still a significant number of people close enough to their parents for child care

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e11emnope@reddit

I have young children and I know tons of young families, and only a few who regularly receive help from grandparents.

All other families I know either did move very far from home or their parents moved very far from home (particularly Mexico, Spain, Italy, Portugal, Greece) or their parents still work (like 40% of people that age range) or their parents are estranged or their parents have died.

My spouse and I share a home that's just 4 miles from each of or childhood homes, but all of our parents are gone, so it certainly doesn't do us any good in the childcare department.

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All-Stupid_Questions@reddit

Oh yeah I was just commenting on the proximity part, but there are a lot of reasons in these comments for why it's less common now

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la-anah@reddit

https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2022/07/theres-no-place-like-home.html

Nearly six in 10 young adults live within 10 miles of where they grew up, and eight in 10 live within 100 miles

Daycare and babysitters mostly. And daycare is expensive here, as well. When grandparents are close, we use them whenever possible as well.

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Hey-Kristine-Kay@reddit

Personally I wouldn’t have had my son if I didn’t know 100% my parents were ready and willing to step in on a very regular basis.

As a kid we spent every Monday evening with my dad’s mom and every Tuesday evening with my mom’s mom. My mom worked part time so the rest of the week we were with my mom while my dad worked. My parents always said they wanted to be that kind of grandparent when they had grandkids. So I knew they would be up for regular reliable childcare. Even still, one day a week is doable, 5 is not. So I work Monday-Friday, and my husband works Friday-Sunday. So my parents are Watch our son Fridays, and have since he was 2 months old when I had to go back to work.

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Shot_Help7458@reddit

My niece had daycare at her job.

One sister stayed home with kids until all were in school.

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wexpyke@reddit

a lot of people in densely populated urban areas hire nannys, or get help from neighbors

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Orbiter9@reddit

We paid a large sum of money for daycare. Or, around The Quar, a nanny share situation. Our family isn’t far but our parents all work. And, outside of my mother in law who is a lovely person, none of them are really into caring for kiddos on their own for more than an hour.

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Similar-Chip@reddit

There was a period where my grandma extremely graciously came down once a week to watch us after school despite living 2 hours away. She'd drive down in the morning, pick us up after school, sleep over and then drive back the next morning. My parents were also lucky enough that they could arrange their schedules to help cover childcare (basically they each picked two days to work late and two days to finish work early or work at home).

pinupcthulhu@reddit

$1800 + utilities + food is an absolute steal for 4 children in childcare where I am.

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ToxDocUSA@reddit

Yep, my kids are 8-14 years old, and when they were newborns it was $1,000/mo for the infants, down to maybe $600ish/mo for the pre schoolers and after school care. Can only imagine now/7ish years later.

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LettuceInfamous5030@reddit

In the US more than half of folks live near their parents, statistically. Many families get help from their parents or family members when it comes to childcare.

Other option would be daycare of some kind. Some get a nanny or nanny share. A few of my friends, both parents work at home, so the trade off on childcare. Some men or women choose to stay home due to daycare costs.

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Adventurous_Glow_Tip@reddit

My parents live 4.5 miles down the road, but they're so busy they don't really have time to just watch our son. Fortunately, I hold a position that allows my wife to homeschool, so usually it's less for work and more for appointments or dates.

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Daycare is a big business in the US. Some people do drop the kids off at grandparents though if they live close enough. My sister and her kids live over an hour away from our parents though, so they only see them once per week.

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Siddakid0812@reddit

Every family makes do however they can. I had a stay at home dad in my early years but even today my parents have no idea how they were able to pull that off.

They keep saying they want us to have more kids but continually choose to invest in everything (military industrial complex, social security etc) EXCEPT those that would actually make having children remotely responsibly feasible for many Americans. We get a $500 tax credit or whatever it is that their out-of-touch selves think is significant and then wonder why no one wants to have kids.

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rockandroller@reddit

This is why parents of young children are so broke - the cost of daycare. Especially if you are a single mother, which, I must add because this is Reddit, could be from being abandoned or widowed, being physically and/or emotionally abused, left for another woman, and myriad other reasons that are NOT THE FAULT OF THE MOTHER and were not part of her life plan.

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not_that_hardcore@reddit

I truly have no idea because we live within 5 miles of like, all our close family and they are incredibly involved in our son’s life. I work at his school. It’s a group effort. We may be moving to another state in a few years for a grad school program I hope to get into… I don’t know what we’ll do! We still have family in that state (my husband does) but I’m not sure if we’ll end up living near them or if they will be willing/able to help us. Our son will be older by then, but still. I’m scared to live far from family!

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HistoryGirl23@reddit

I had surgery and couldn't lift the toddler for fire weeks, almost ready to weight train again!

My parents and brother took turns living with us for a week or two. I'm also encouraging my husband to move closer to my home state.

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MISProf@reddit

Its ‘murica. Pay someone.

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Helping and full time daycare are two completely different things

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xiewadu@reddit

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Ladonnacinica@reddit

Italy has much lower birth rates than the USA. They’re at below replacement level.

Having the grandparents nearby isn’t helping their birth rates.

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SadLeek9950@reddit

Thanks for that very insightful reply.

Harvard did a study and the top 3 reasons for holding off on having children are economical reasons.

High cost of living
Financial insecurity
Lack of affordable childcare and comprehensive parental leave

Italy as the same issues per the NIH.

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MissingGrayMatter@reddit

Daycare or babysitter (usually unofficial, so cheaper than daycare, and paid in cash).

When I was young enough not to be in school or take care of myself, my grandmother was still working.

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Daycare.

Honestly, I don't understand how relying on grandparents for childcare works.

Don't your parents work? And if they are retired, aren't they enjoying their retirement?

I live 1,000 miles from my mother. Even if I lived close, she works. My kids are adults.

Obviously some Americans do this, but it requires being financially well off.

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Welpe@reddit

My sisters both are single mothers and live without any family around and the answer is mostly “They manage very poorly”. Their children, while loved, are a massive drain on their time, energy, money, and mental well-being and they are basically in a constant level of low to mid level anxiety and stress that will probably shave years off their life by the time they move out. And, despite their best efforts, it almost definitely rubs off on their kids in some ways and the cycle of poverty continues.

Though sadly for us, usually in poverty you can at least rely on family, but just…not our family, sadly. Our mom is already dead, our father is a terrible parent (Not abusive at all, just…he is definitely autistic and never diagnosed and is a pretty big failure at being a parent to us.), and we never really had much contact with aunts/uncles/cousins. Oh, and all grandparents are dead as well.

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caffeinated_panda@reddit

We pay someone. Our nanny is by far our biggest annual expense. For big stuff (husband hospitalized, birth of second child), my MIL has flown in to stay with us.

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Emotional_Star_7502@reddit

We pay a LOT of money. And no, we don’t live far away from grandparents, they just want no part in child care.

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Ladonnacinica@reddit

Genuine question, why is it that Italy has a below replacement birth rate if you have available, free child care?

The USA has it worse for parents yet our birth rate is higher currently than yours.

You may find this shocking as our culture is very much “be your own person” and move out as young as possible, but the vast majority of Americans live and die within a very close proximity to where they were born (and presumably where their parents are). I fall into this bucket, my wife is one of the minority who lives on the other side of the country from where her parents are/where she grew up.

As to your child care question, it usually boils down to one or a combination three options:

One parent looks after the children full time. A stay at home mother/father, while the other works to provide financially.
You suck it up and pay for childcare (day care is very expensive here; my wife are looking at $375/week for our soon to be born infant) until they’re of school age.
Like in your culture, family members pitch in to help look after/raise children at times when the parents cannot.

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alureizbiel@reddit

One of my coworkers have alternating days off with his wife. So he watches the baby while she's at work and vice versa.

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Historical_Bunch_927@reddit

There is another option as well, where one parent works at home, doing something that also allows them to watch the children and do their job. When my sister and I were little, my mom ran a daycare out of our home, so could easily watch and take care of us, at the same time she was taking care of her daycare kids.

She switched her career and went back to nursing school. Eventually, she started working for a pharmaceutical company. She was the nurse liaison that taught patients / their families how to do TPN at home. I think if we were still young, she probably could have had us home for the most part. The bulk of her work consisted of phone calls. She did have to leave for a few hours at a time every once and awhile, and if she had little kids she could have just paid for a babysitter for those hours. I think it would be much cheaper than daycare.

And I'm sure that there are other jobs that are conducive to working at home and taking care of your kids.

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acertaingestault@reddit

I was paying $375/week for a 4 year old. For a newborn that, depressingly, sounds like a good deal.

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Js987@reddit

Ditto. It averages $500 ish for a newborn-2yo in the outer suburbs here, even more closer in to DC or Baltimore.

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imakatperson22@reddit

My baby isn’t here yet but the daycare were waitlisted on is $275/week for newborn care.

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$375 a week is a great deal. Infant childcare in Seattle averages $2,500 to $3,500’a month.

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Happy_Charity_7595@reddit

I fall into that category. I have lived within an hour radius of where I grew up, my whole entire life.

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NukeDaBurbz@reddit

Not me, I grew up in the most expensive city in the most expensive county in the most expensive region of the most expensive state in the country.

I couldn’t afford to live where I grew up even if I wanted to. Ended up moving 1800+ miles away.

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forestcreep420@reddit

We work opposite shifts. He works 4 pm to 10pm, and I work 6 am to 2pm. He gets the kids up in the morning and does breakfast and lunch, I make dinner and do bath and bedtime. Neither of us get enough sleep

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

A lot of us don’t. Having kids and and working in the US is a nightmare unless you’re rich

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Goldfinch-island@reddit

Daycare all day. When daycare is closed, I take PTO or hire a babysitter.

When kids are sick, I stay home and try to work without taking PTO.

It sucks.

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Araxanna@reddit

Daycare or one parent stays home. I’ve got a friend who is a stay at home mom and two friends who were stay at home dads when their kids were small. If one person can support the whole family financially, having one stay home is the way to go.

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david_leo_k@reddit

We pay college tuitions for daycare. What’s college tuition, you ask?

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We pay childcare that’s more expensive than our mortgages in many cases.

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scottwax@reddit

I was a single dad with custody. Combination of daycare, school and after school care. I wouldn't expect my parents to watch my kids all the time. It was my decision to have children and my responsibility to manage their care.

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anonymouse278@reddit

Although Americans are unusually mobile as a people, and due to the size of the country, that mobility can mean moving huge distances domestically, the majority of people do still live near where they grew up. I am in the minority of people who moved extremely far from home, but most of the people I know from my childhood still live in my hometown, and most of the people in my current location are from around here. So some people do have family support. Other people pay daycare and babysitters.

Wdym?

When you bith are at work, they are at school or daycare. Pay extra for after school care as needed.

Dont get divorced.

Make decent money

iturn2dj@reddit

Daycare. I pay about $1200 a month for care for my 7 year old in the summer.

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apleasantpeninsula@reddit

Good question! They often do not manage. A couple friends have fortunately had their (divorced) mothers move to their new state when they had a kid.

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Ignorred@reddit

It's a little bit of everything, and a lot of nothing. It's a good question with no good answer, because every family just has to kind of combine options to find what works for them. When I was young, I was in preschool/daycare from like a ridiculously young age (like literally 18 months, I think). A lot of other neighborhood families pitched in to take care of us, and vice versa. My mom took a couple years off work. Then she worked part time for a long time.

My grandparents did live relatively close by, like 3-5hr drive, so they would comr stay with us on occasion. But mostly it was daycare + neighborhood friends.

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BananaEuphoric8411@reddit

Those that can afford it, pay OUTRAGEOUS fees for licensed day care & nannies. Those who cant, often use illegal daycare. Family often helps, but its tough. Everybody's working. America is NOT family friendly unless you have $$$$.

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Sadimal@reddit

Our options are typically:

Daycare
Babysitter
Nanny
One spouse stays at home with child
Friends or family

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beek7425@reddit

I don’t have small kids but the people I know who have kids do a mix of things. I have coworkers who spend the entirety of one parent’s paycheck on daycare. I have a coworker who’s scrambling to find daycare- right now her husband is juggling working from home with watching the kid. Another friend who’s husband works nights and watches the kids a few days a week so they only have to do daycare a few days week. And I know a lot of people who waited until they were well established in their careers and had kids pretty later in life.

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TheOtherOnes89@reddit

My wife is a SAHM now. She'll likely go back to work once our son is 2-3 years old at which point most of her pay will go to preschool costs.

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Standard-Outcome9881@reddit

I helped my mother babysit my first niece when she was born for about 18 months. My sister lived about an hour away and we had to drive back-and-forth every day to pick up the baby, meeting halfway.

Without us, my sister would have to depend on paid daycare.

Needless to say, I had no idea I was gonna be doing this. I won’t be doing it again.

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PhoenixRisingToday@reddit

For our first, I was allowed to save up vacation and add to leave, but still - kids go to day care really young. Choosing day care is one of the most stressful decisions of my life. So…day care when they’re young. One of us switched to 2nd shift, which meant day care was reduced to a few hours/day in the beginning. After school care when they start attending school. I never took a sick day - my sick days were used for when my kids were sick. I also had a job with flexible hours so I could manage their dr appointments, school events, etc.

aleayacta@reddit (OP)

How’s that? I don’t mean to put it as a personal matter, but here in Italy it’s rare to not get help from the grandparents. The only issue could be their age, if they’re too old they would get tired quickly or not be able to help at all

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Twichl2@reddit

I dont think theres as much societal pressure in the US around families as there is in Italy in general. Depending on their cultural background anyways. There are plenty of families in the US who are tight knit or feel obligated to eachother as well, but a large enough percentage that dont.

I read recently that 80% of Americans live within 100 miles of where they were born. That’s usually 2hrs of driving or less. So while that’s not close enough to have grandparents babysit every day, I think a lot of people do have some degree of support from their parents. Maybe it’s just leaving the kids for a weekend once in awhile, but it’s something.

A lot of grandparents still have full time jobs when babies are first born, so even a nearby grandparent can’t always handle full time babysitting. Every family is different.

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CaptainEmmy@reddit

A lot of people in my neighborhood either have a stay-at-home parent or work different shifts with their partner. Daycare is pretty common, too.

Something to keep in mind is that many of our grandparents are still working... and it's not always out of desperation, but simply because they can enter into new careers and add more to their retirements and they're feeling quite healthy and energetic, so why not? There's much to be said about the different in aging lately.

Keep in mind America very much does have an independent, make-your-own-way culture. That isn't to say that families can't be close, but there's less of an expectation of traditional roles, where the young adults take over in earning money for the family and the elders take over on childcare and all that.

I know plenty of grandparents who babysit and participate in childcare, but what is rare is to say a grandparent who does that fulltime, even if retired.

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abking84@reddit

A lot of people get no help from their parents, even if they live close by.

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AnnieB512@reddit

Pay for it? I paid $750 per month 20 years ago.i cannot imagine how much it is now.

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It’s genuinely very difficult. We have some friends who are Also parents that we can occasionally lean on, and who lean on us. We also have sitters, but we rarely use them. We don’t have the money for it.

Daycare. Over $1200 a month for 2 kids, and i live in a poor state.

For school holidays, my mother would fly down and watch them during spring break. They'd usually go on a road trip. (The kid's school's spring break and my wife's spring break never matched up.)

My wife doesn't drive, so I took time off for doctor visits, etc.

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madameallnut@reddit

I stayed home and raised them. My husband was in the air force, gone a lot, our families weren't people I'd leave children with, so I was the linch pin for everything and everyone. We spaced the pregnancies out, as one started school, the next came along. That help tremendously. The only part that sucks is I never found a career to take up afterward. Still looking.

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Independent-Dark-955@reddit

I pay for daycare at a licensed early learning facility.

It isn’t mine or my wife’s parents’ responsibility to take care of the children WE chose to have. Sure, they’ll take them on a Saturday for a sleep over every now and then for us, but that’s about it.

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jellybeans_in_a_bag@reddit

Close friends, neighbors, when I was a toddler me and my sister were sent to more school that was at our local church

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snarkycrumpet@reddit

worked less than full time and paid for them to be in a in-home daycare for those hours, then paid for preschool. $$$$$

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earmares@reddit

We had no parental help, no friends nearby, anything.

It sucks. I’m originally from Spain but live in the US. My husband and I don’t have any family around and we rely on daycare during the week. If he is sick my husband and I work from home to manage him together. The weekends it’s all on us.

We are planning to move to NYC soon to be closer to family (and easier flights to Spain).

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bkinstle@reddit

It's a big problem. I grew up in a small town with no opportunities so I had to move to the big city. My mom would come up while she was still able and visit a few times a year, but mostly we had to pay expensive child care facilities to watch the kids while we were at work. My wife had a lot of family nearby so at least we could get date nights by having sleepovers.

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ConsiderationSea7589@reddit

$$$$$

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FishermanUsed2842@reddit

All 4 of my grandparents lived within 15 minutes of us when we were growing up. When my parents went out, we had a babysitter. When they were at work during the day in the summer, a high school girl came and stayed with us until my mom got home. Sometimes we'd stay with our grandparents for a weekend and sometimes we'd stay with friends. But, our grandparents were in no way our regular caretakers. I can't believe how many people have their parents as their unpaid nannies.

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When we got pregnant we had a serious discussion about this. Neither of us wanted to rely on our parents fully because they deserve to enjoy their empty nest and if something happened we'd be out of luck. We didn't want our child in daycare five days a week and we'd have to go in later and get out earlier to be on time for drop off and pick up. Plus the expense of daycare was going to be almost half of my paycheck, so we decided that it made more sense for me to stop working. Right now, I'm covering a friend's maternity leave, but once that's done I'll be looking for part time work and he'll go to my mother's for the few hours I'm working or stay with his father if he's already home.

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Daycare for little kids, if both parents work or it’s a single parent situation. My mom worked a 9-5 so it was a long time at daycare for me. But it’s also mad expensive.

Lots of elementary schools, churches, and daycares have after school programs for elementary-aged kids.

Scream into your pillow because there is never a break. Parents close by don’t help. Daycare is my salary. Babysitters on top of a date night is too expensive.

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_skank_hunt42@reddit

I work nights from home, sleep while my daughter is in school and wake up to pick her up from school. My husband works full time during the day. This schedule has worked for us for years. All of our family is hours away and we’ve never relied on them.

Honeycomb3003@reddit

Between the ages of 0 and 5 (until they start school), you spend an ungodly amount on daycare.

With 2 kids, by the time we're done with daycare, we will have spent over $150,000 on it. And that's in a medium cost of living area at a facility that would be considered very average.

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BigNorseWolf@reddit

paying through the nose to the insurance company that the daycare works for so the daycare workers can be vastly underpaid

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ijuinkun@reddit

Cue Omni-Man meme

That’s the neat part. You don’t.

If you can’t find someone willing to watch the children without being paid to do so, then you have to pay, usually hundreds of dollars per month per child. Sometimes it costs so much that it is better for the lower-earning parent simply to give up their employment and income to do it instead.

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FormidableMistress@reddit

I don't know if this is an American thing, but a lot of the Boomer grandparents refuse to help with child care at all. It makes sense though because they had a totally hands-off approach to their own children. For a lot of people I know, child care like babysitters and after school care became so expensive it outweighed the income of one of the parents. So one parent would stay at home with the children, and the other parent worked. Or the SAHP worked from home or had a side hustle. Money was stretched thin for these folks and they were always stressed. Sometimes they are able to rely on friends and other family, but the majority of people I know were unable to rely on their parents.

I feel like all the working class people in America are stretched too thin right now.

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pookapotomus2@reddit

Before I started working remotely child care was 50$ more a month than my mortgage. I live in one of the highest cost of living places in the US so my mortgage isn’t cheap

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SkyPuppy561@reddit

sigh no idea. The closest we have is my mother in law two hours away and she has limited mobility. This is part of my reluctance to have kids.

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softgypsy@reddit

Some families are lucky enough to be able to get by on one income, but that really only works if one parent is a high earner and/or they live in a low cost of living area. Some families qualify for state assistance with day care, but often times most of one parent’s salary will go towards childcare costs. Many couples have to adjust their schedules so one parent is always home with the kids.

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bridgbraddon@reddit

My husband worked from home part time. I was the main breadwinner and had flexible hours as well.

Note that his parents lived nearby but were to young to retire. They didn't retire until our kids were almost in high school.

In Italy do people retire young? I was over 40 before my dad retired.

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jvc1011@reddit

So it’s not just distance. My parents used to live 15 minutes away and they still couldn’t look after my children because they work full time. There is no mandatory retirement age in the US, and no real system to support retirees except for a very few kinds of jobs.

We worked opposite shifts as long as we could, me working part-time. After that we got really lucky to find a wonderful, grandmotherly babysitter just down the street.

I ended up as a stay at home mom because my salary could not cover daycare. My kids also had medical issues when young (all outgrown/compensated for) that required lots of doctor and therapy appointments. Husband’s job paid much better but was also not flexible at all. My in-laws weren’t retired yet, my parents were far but also refused to do any child care, ever, period.

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MamaMidgePidge@reddit

We pay for childcare or one parent doesn't work.

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ophaus@reddit

It's an expensive pain in the ass, frankly. Luckily, my son is out of daycare and into kindergarten this year, so that's $1200 less I have to spend each month. I have a job that lines up very well with my kids' school schedule, so getting a babysitter is thankfully a very rare requirement.

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Efficient_Wheel_6333@reddit

When I was a kid in the 90s, that's what happened to us-my mom moved her and me to a different state and we didn't have any family nearby on her side. What ended up happening is she hired 2 different teenagers-one was the older sister of one of my new friends and the other was the son of one of the teachers at my grade school-to be my sitter any time she and my stepdad would be gone for a few hours. In an emergency, the neighbors next door could watch me, but they were emergencies only, like when my stepdad managed to get a nail from an air nail gun through a finger (we were adding a second story to the house at the time).

By the time I was entering high school, our parish had started this program to connect parents needing babysitters and teens willing to do that. I didn't get involved primarily because we lived out in the country and my folks would have had to drive me.

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toastedmarsh7@reddit

We pay through the nose for childcare or work opposite shifts from your spouse so someone can be home with the children all the time.

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harpejjist@reddit

Money. Lots of money is spent

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Queen_Aurelia@reddit

My grandparents all died relatively young and were not around when I was growing up. My mom stayed at home to care for us while my dad worked. My mom refused to be full time daycare for her own grandchildren. My sister and her husband worked different shifts so that someone was home to care for the kids. My other sister and her husband worked out their schedules so that they only needed daycare 2 days a week. My other sister and her husband both worked full time M-F so their kids were in daycare full time. Now that they are in school, they do before and after care at the school.

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Dalyro@reddit

We are about 2 hours from our parents, but live about 2 miles from my Brother In Law. We have daycare for the work week, but for date nights or emergencies we usually just swap child care with Brother In Law. If daycare is closed for a few days, my MIL will gladly make the drive. If we need over night care for a wedding or a weekend trip, my parents will make the drive.

My niece is also planning to move to our city next year for college. So we will have a great option for like date night babysitting if we want to go out with Brother In Law and wife and leave both our kids with someone.

It's worth noting that in our rural area, child care can be hard to find, but in a two income household with both us having good salaries, it's quite affordable. We pay about 3.5% of our annual wage for childcare for one kid.

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Olderbutnotdead619@reddit

We don't and that's a very huge problem

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EmmalouEsq@reddit

This question assumes grandparents who want to take care of their grandchildren. When my son was 2, my dad still didn't know how to say his name (a very easy to pronounce 4 letter name) abs I used to lived right next door to my mom and she'd come over maybe once per week for 15 minutes or so.

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DustyButtocks@reddit

A lot of us aren’t having kids tbh

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BirdieRoo628@reddit

Many families still have a stay-at-home parent, at least in low cost of living areas. Where I live, probably half of the women stay home with the kids (at least until they're all school age, but some beyond that). I work part time from home and have my kids all day (we homeschool).

But for most families, the answer is daycare and after school programs.

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garden__gate@reddit

Depends on their income. I know people who are high-earners who pay for full-time daycare or a nanny and it sucks but they can handle it. I know people who are more middle class who also pay for daycare and it really hurts their budget.

It’s not uncommon for one parent to quit while the kids are young because day care costs more than their take-home pay.

Low-income folks might have access to subsidized day care, though these programs have been cut a lot. They might also swap childcare with neighbors/friends who work different shifts. Or parents might work different shifts.

foozballhead@reddit

I paid for daycare the school through the school district, and used all my sick/vacation time at work to cover school holidays. In the summer a local church had “summer camp” daycare and she went there. It was expensive fifteen years ago, like double my used car payment… but at today’s prices I’d never be able to afford it.

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SensitiveBugGirl@reddit

I work at my daughter's school as an aide. When we have in-service, the staff's kids play in the gym. It's a little better now. Before, from like 4 to to 7 yo, I'd stick her in a classroom and pray that she'd keep herself entertained and not bother the adults or other kids (she has ADHD).

My wife and I I work opposite shifts because we can’t afford daycare. She works early mornings and I do afternoon/evenings so there is always someone home with the kids. I can’t wait until they are in school so I can go to a day shift.

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rawbface@reddit

Lol I wouldn't trust my parents anyway. They are too old to keep up with my kids every single day, and all their parenting knowledge is 30 years outdated. They can't even figure out how to loosen the straps on our car seats. Give me a daycare with lesson plans and state inspections.

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OverSearch@reddit

My parents live about a four hour drive away from us, my wife's parents around three hours away in the opposite direction.

AlternativePrior393@reddit

Even if you live near grandparents in the US, it doesn’t mean they want to take over childcare efforts.

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Next_Sun_2002@reddit

Stay at home, work from home, rotating shifts, daycare/preschool

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I never tried it.

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forwardobserver90@reddit

I’m lucky my entire extended family (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, everyone) lives within 10 miles of me. So child care is rarely an issue.

My family is originally from Italy so when my great grandparents came here they picked a spot and the family has refused to move very far.

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Beneficial-Basket-42@reddit

Stay at home mom here

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YoshiandAims@reddit

Daycare

(Formal, Informal, some rare work places have daycare on site, and some churches offer it as well.)

Nannies

Friends

Baby sitters

Mom groups (they'll trade off child care/babysitting)

Nothing, they handle it all.

School (some play preschools, and preschools exist for 3-5 year olds, before they start traditional education)

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ottersandgoats@reddit

Yes we send our son to daycare from 8am-4pm everyday while we both work. My sister has an out of home nanny that she uses. A friend of ours has an au pair that lives with them. Another friend quit her job to be a stay at home mom while her husband works. It really is dependent on the parents' preference and financial situation, and I even know a couple who does live within 30 minutes of both of their parents so they utilize them to watch their son.

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baldporcupined@reddit

Spending lots of money for daycare until they are old enough for public schools

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CharlieBearns@reddit

My parents are Italian American immigrants! They both moved here when they were little kids. My dad retired right after my son was born, just so he could be a full time pop-pop 😂😂 So you'll be happy to know that some Italian ideals are alive and well in the US 🥰 But yeah, I have no idea how people handle it without family helping...

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ChrisBourbon27@reddit

Part of being an adult means taking responsibility for your own life. Pay for daycare or have a stay at home parent.

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Prestigious_Rip_289@reddit

I'm a single mom who lives over 1000 miles from my nearest relatives. I managed this by paying for childcare when my kids were young enough to require it. I afforded that by being an engineer. I also didn't get to buy a house until I was 35 and my last kid aged out of daycare.

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kittenofpain@reddit

We pay excessively for it

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MelonCallia@reddit

My husband and I live several states away from our parents (the closest is a ~15 hour drive). We are planning on utilizing daycare for our children when the time comes. Rates right now are looking like they'll be $2000 USD per month, so that'll suck, but it will be less of a hit than if one of us stopped working.

My brother-in-law and his wife live ~30 minutes away from their parents, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little jealous of all the attention and help they get.

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Objective-Amount1379@reddit

Daycare, nanny, friends, parents work opposite shifts so one is home, one or both parents work from home and work and watch the kids at the same time (I'm not a fan of this because those coworkers often have screaming toddlers in the background of Zoom calls, but it definitely is a thing for some).

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Champsterdam@reddit

We paid around $25,000 a year for daycare during the day

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MonicaBWQ@reddit

I stayed home and took care of my own children. Unfortunately that’s not feasible for many people.

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SubstantialPressure3@reddit

Daycare.

I've been lucky enough to be able to take time off work and move closer to my kids to help with childcare. But the little one just started preschool, so I'll be going back to work soon.

It's rough out there. And hasn't gotten any easier since I was a parent with small kids.

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timelessblur@reddit

Shit ton of money r child care. Currently burning 16-18k per year per kid on child. I am pay mid 30's per year right now for my 2 kids.

One gets sick we have to take care of them. All family is a plane flight away. Driving is a min of 8 hours.

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Any_Egg33@reddit

Daycare I work in the infant room and we get kids as young as 6 weeks since we don’t get guaranteed maternity leave in America and many families don’t have family close by I love my job but my heart breaks for every parent having to drop off their newborn with a stranger for 10 hours a day

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BigCrunchyNerd@reddit

It might not be as common as you think for people to live far from their parents. Many people I know depend on their parents or another family member for childcare. Others send their kids to a babysitter, which is much cheaper than daycare. Some people work from home and so they might have more flexible hours and can work while the baby naps or when their spouse comes home from work.

When I was a kid my great aunt took care of us until all 3 of us were in school, then my dad started working nights so he would be home after school.

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shelwood46@reddit

I'm not sure that was ever true especially when people were having kids at 20. I'm 60, my youngest aunt is 63. Her mom's youngest sibling was similarly close in age to my mom, my grandmother's eldest. Parents worked opposite shifts, or used a retired neighbor or relative, who was often a lot older than the parent's parents, or someone who was home took care of other neighborhood children, or you used paid daycare. I would bet even where you live, grandparents will care for grandkids when the parents are busy, but it's much rarer they are the only care provider when the parents work. It would only be common if you assume the grandmother didn't have an outside job, but then why does the mom have a job.

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DeeDeeW1313@reddit

We are just very very tired. My kids stay home with me as daycare would be like my entire salary.

No real babysitters. Friends would watch them in a pinch.

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hitometootoo@reddit

Some options;

One parent stays home
Rotating schedules for either parent
Asking a friend to help
Babysitter
Some workplaces offers daycare
Church

annapanda@reddit

It is very difficult and expensive. Draining to the mind, body, soul, and bank account.