Moved with my partner and regret it.... feeling stuck!
Posted by No_Doctor_7169@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 69 comments
Hello fellow expats!
I (35 M) moved to Ireland from New Zealand to be with my partner (40M from Argentina). He has a secure, high paying job here and we live in a house that he owns. I love my partner, we've be together for 12 years, I don't want to leave him but Ireland is not my home.
I miss the NZ land, the people, Maori culture, my family and having a sense of belonging. I increasingly resent pretendinig to be someone I'm not when I step out of the house.
Recently I've been thinking hard about returning home to New Zealand, or moving to Australia (lived there before and loved it!). Moving means giving up material comforts and financial security. Our household income here is 120k euro with me only working part time, back in NZ I would earn 60K NZD ish (30k euro) with the opportunity to earn 120k NZD (60k euro) after doing a 2 year masters degree in my field.
It doesn't help that my partner doesn't want to live here either, we are literally just here for his job. We talk about retiring in NZ all the time but I'm not sure I can wait 20 years for that.
Has anyone else had to choose between home and financial security? Has anyone moved home for a fresh start? Alternatively did you decide to stick it out through the homesickness, settle down and did you find happiness away from home?
newphonewhodis333333@reddit
I feel like I’ve posted a million lil posts like this, toggling between money and place, and the straight answer will always be to follow your heart, unfortunately. Finding your sense of place is almost 100% heart. If you love where you’re at, money comes back. I’m not blind, money is a factor for place but money won’t keep you for long. Justifying that you’re somewhere you’re not for financial reasons will eventually eat you from the inside
H3scr0w@reddit
Before moving did you calculate your costing live or salary with a tool such as https://www.salarynettax.net ?
FyrStrike@reddit
The hardest part about going back home is realizing it’s not the same anymore. The longer you’ve been away, the harder it gets to readjust. You’ve changed, the place has changed, and even if you try to fit back in, it never quite feels like it used to.
Standard_Piglet@reddit
Exactly my experience. Went back home to buy an investment property with the desire to eventually live in it. Realized in two days I'm not fitting back in there.
No-Swim9422@reddit
do what your heart wants
Own-Durian9094@reddit
It’s ok initially that feeling is normal.
kekakomori@reddit
the same. no idea what to do, I live on autopilot
Boo_Hoo_8258@reddit
Feel this, im from the UK my husband's Norwegian ive been here for 2 years and we live off just his salary. I so want to go back home to the UK but I feel like ive been out of work so long now id even struggle back home.
kekakomori@reddit
I know that feeling, I am already insecure about my skills and knowledge.
Longjumping_Order_95@reddit
Same
BooBooXYZyeah@reddit
We moved from London to California, best advice I got (from folks who had lived all over the world) … you gotta give it 3 years. Year 1, exciting and hard all together, figuring it out. Year 2 you are getting into it. Year 3 you begin to live in the place. Years 1 & 2, whilst your feet might be on new ground you are still looking and facing home. Year 3 the focus shifts to where you are and you can truly live - present.
Give it 3 years. It’s a transition, be kind to yourself. 13 years in, I feel like I exist in 2 places - it’s a gift.
temmoku@reddit
It isn't where you can earn more money, it's where you can earn enough to be secure and satisfied
Any-Sea264@reddit
This! You earn the money to be happy, not to put into therapy
ZuiMeiDeQiDai@reddit
Just saw all your flags. I'm from Switzerland, currently living in Germany, I lived in France for a while a long time ago, I lived in China for almost ten years! I've rarely been as happy as when I was living in Daqing, Heilongjiang, then Tonghua, Jilin and then Dandong, Liaoning. How do you like Switzerland and where about are you?
Any-Sea264@reddit
Omg what a coincidence!!! I’m currently in Zurich. I’ve unfortunately not been to these northern cities in China, but I can imagine your feeling. I’m curious why are you in Germany now, do you like it more compared to Switzerland?
ZuiMeiDeQiDai@reddit
I'm here for work. Last time I lived in Switzerland was 20 years ago so things might have changed. The landscapes were definitely better in Switzerland where I was than where I am now. But I could say the same about where I lived in France and China and many other countries. I lived in Ardèche in France which is also one of the most beautiful places I've been to in my life.
And you? Where were you in China, Germany and France ? And where do you like it most between those places and Switzerland now?
franklyfierce@reddit
I'm in a similar situation. I'm german, husband is Scottish and we live in Scotland. We have a comfortable life with good jobs and a house. I've been here for 5 years, but all I can think about is moving back to Germany. No idea if this will ever go away. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but please know you're not alone. Living abroad is so complex and confusing..
ZuiMeiDeQiDai@reddit
I'm Swiss living in Germany and I wish I could move back to Aberdeen where I lived long ago. Where did you live in Germany??
franklyfierce@reddit
How do you like it in Germany? I lived in Nordrhein-Westfalen but I don't think it's about the place as such but more about my family and friends.
ZuiMeiDeQiDai@reddit
I'm not far from Braunschweig. I don't have friends or family and haven't made friends here. I made friends in Leipzig and Rostock so we can meet often. It's a bit hard from that point of view. But I love Bremerhaven , Cuxhaven, Sankt Peter Ording, Flensburg, Travemünde... The coast is nice and relaxing, even alone.
I lived in Schöneberg, Berlin, 20 years ago, hated it but went over it by going to Schlachtensee and Wannsee every day after work. And even before that, I lived in Saarbrücken outside of the city in the forest, it was quite alright from a landscape perspective as well as from a social one. I made a lot of friends in Saarland and was quickly introduced to friends' families and stuff. I felt at home very quickly.
I can understand you though when you say it's not the place but friends and family. I have some of my best friends and family members in some places I would describe as not very interesting for outsiders but which I love when I'm there for the moments we spend together.
However, there are places like Aberdeen that I will miss my entire life. I wish I could just take my car today and drive to John O' Groat's and Duncansby, stop on the way and have a walk on dunnet beach, then continue to ullapool and back. Or drive to the isle of Skye, sail to Elgol, look at the seals and whales from afar and then go to the Cairngorms national park, hike in heavy Rain, rent a wooden cabin / lodge or hut with sauna or jacuzzi and have a good night by a fireplace.. sometimes if I wanted something more lively we'd go to the center of Aberdeen, or travel to Edinburgh or Inverness.
franklyfierce@reddit
Wow, you've seen so many lovely places! That's really impressive! How long have you been in Braunschweig for?
We live in the North of Scotland and don't get me wrong, I love the Scottish landscape and people. However, I feel like the novelty of exploring this country, people and culture wore off and I realise how lonely and isolated I am. I've tried to make friends but we live in a rural area so it's not that easy as it might be in bigger cities. I didn't like the town I lived in Germany but at least I had my friends and family around.
ZuiMeiDeQiDai@reddit
I know what you mean!!! When I was living in Aberdeen, if was so difficult to meet local people. I was lucky to meet people from everywhere in the world with whom I traveled and explored a lot.
Oh, you're in the North, you must know all the places I just told you about? Haha. I perfectly agree you, recently I swore to myself that even if I moved back to Scotland, I'd at least try to be not too far away from Edinburgh and Newcastle airports. I felt very isolated in Aberdeen a few times as well, especially during longer holidays when all my foreign friends flew back to their own countries. Or many of them were detached for one or two years so they didn't stay long.
I've been in Braunschweig for over a year now. I can do without a social life during the week but during the weekend it's so difficult. The only way to get away is by train but the DB is absolutely unreliable, I flew back from Newcastle a few weeks ago to Düsseldorf and was supposed to be in Braunschweig at 7PM. I arrived at 3AM and was working at 8. Three trains, 2 delays and one cancellation. So if you have a flight on a Friday evening from Hannover or Berlin, you're never sure you'll catch it.
By car it's the same thing. There's always something on the A2, I should be 38 min away from Hannover Airport but if a truck falls down, if there's an accident, a little bit of oil on the Autobahn, it can take up to 7 hours to get there so you miss your flight. Same for Berlin, I was supposed to be there at 9PM on a Friday night in July, a truck burnt on the Autobahn, I arrived at 4AM in Berlin. Missed my flights. So there's a huge Mobilitätsproblem here. And the Öffis are even worse, cycling is also a catastrophe here. All of these problems are specific to here though. It's also pretty much an Industriegebiet.
What is the closest city to you? In Inverness I always managed to find interesting events and meet people. In Aberdeen as I said I had lots of expat friends, scientists, people working in oil and gas, etc. but I also met nice people going to ceilidh events for example. There are some really nice groups on Facebook for people living in Scotland as well. They organise lots of things all around the country. For Braunschweig there's one or two groups for foreigners but completely inactive, and then the "du weißt du bist Braunschweiger, wenn" Gruppe, haha!
franklyfierce@reddit
I feel you, its not easy to make friends with locals. I've tried lots of local things but I feel that it's really difficult to get beyond the superficial politeness. I'm at the point now where I think I've given up. I'm tired of trying and putting myself out there. Everyday I'm thinking of moving back to Germany and I think it's only a matter of time till I actively plan something.
Haha yes, I've experienced similar things with the transport in germany but it's still better than where I currently live.
I hope you and I feel find our happiness and peace with wherever we will live.
Specznaz@reddit
Sounds like you have made up your mind already, but do not realise. Also sounds like you could get back to the same salary by upskilling after 2 years. Your partner isn't happy there either. Win win win. NZ it is.
dolite61@reddit
Change is always scary and there are always risks in making the change. There are only three options:
1) don’t change. Learn to accept your current situation and actively find ways to be happy with the current set of circumstances. Like a dancer who injures her leg; she can’t dance any more but she can still be involved by teaching.
2) make the change and accept the risks and consequences. We want no risk changes. That only happens in movies. Every decision involved risks. And if it turns out to be a bad change; learn from the mistakes and make the next change.
3) This takes more creativity. Find a middle ground. Maybe take a job that allows you to take a short break and do what you love for a short period. It is the best of both worlds. Not perfect but life isn’t perfection in a journey of unknowns.
Physical_Release_399@reddit
Simple… if money is more important to you than happiness and peace of mind.. then stay in Ireland.
CelticKnotToday@reddit
Irish culture is quite closed. They have a few friends whom they hop around and weekends are for family time, so they have no time to know other people.
As a south East Asian who has been living here for a decade can confirm, integration is not as easy as compared to likes of big cities like London, NY etc.
Someone recommended run clubs, but it’s not r really for people who are not into running, it’s good for surface level socialising…most of the run clubs are full of influencers making content to promote ads and stuff etc.
Your best bet is expats who are in the same boat.
In my experience South Americans are very open, especially Brazilians, I have so many Brazilian friends and I like to explore other cultures too. I’d be more than happy to socialise over pints.
I have rarely seen a Kiwi here. A handful of Aussies and South Africans that’s about it.
I’d suggest move to UK, maybe your partner can find a transfer/high paying job there. It’s much more multicultural, even the likes of smaller cities like Manchester and Liverpool would provide you better experience or outskirts of London.
MoonNRaven2@reddit
We romanticize home so much when away, try and arrange a long vacation there, but I promise your home and your friends back home is nowhere near the same anymore. You will feel like a foreigner in your own country. I moved back to my country, it’s been a year and I can’t relate as I used to
Weary-Refuse-1207@reddit
What north africain live every day , living home for a better future, being stuck in debt, and half crossed roads( going back means staying stuck
TimeTheory5591@reddit
I feel exactly the same and miss my home in Australia so much. I hate it here in America. I don't think the feeling will ever go and probably won't for you either. I think the question is is it something we can learn to live with knowing we will likely always feel this way or turn back and maybe lose a loved one or some financial benefits. For me I think it will be best to stay in America but go back home to visit more (twice a year instead of one) and maybe look forward to retiring there once my husband retires. Goodluck on your decision,
CocoaCandyPuff@reddit
I was in a similar situation and I had to gave up to financial privileges but I chose my peace and my mental health. Life is too short. I have no regrets.
scottiebumich@reddit
To be honest 120k Euros is not really that much money. NOT enough to live somewhere you don't want to. If it was real money, like $300,000 then you could work for a handful of years and save significant money for your future. 120,000 is just not enough to sacrifice you life.
Aware-Psychology1608@reddit
Lived there for 5 years and I didn't enjoy my experience. However, I can tell you that a good way to socialize is to get into a running group, and a perk about Ireland in comparison to NZ is how close is to everywhere if you are open to exploring Europe and north africa
OperationAlarming700@reddit
Why you didn’t enjoy the experience? Where are you from?
Aware-Psychology1608@reddit
None of the friends I made along the way stayed longer than me. 3 years in, I moved with my then boyfriend far from the city center and as I was working mostly remote I was only socializing with him (a lovely man) and his family (which never in 3 years asked me how I was or make any comment to me besides that I was probably dating their family member for visa reasons). Then countless remarks about me being a latina and good in bed. Then an uncle got drunk and grabbed my boobs in front of many of them and no one said a word. I was shocked. (Not that matters but it was winter and I was wearing a turtle neck sweater).
Now I'm back home, still missing my ex, building my life almost from scratch again but I'm relieved to be surrounded by family and friends, and my salary is lower now but like just 5% less that is not as dramatic.
I'm aware that there are many people that enjoy the experience, it wasn't the case for me. I arrived at 29 and left at 34. And I'm from somewhere in the south cone 😂😂 (after all I mentioned now I care about privacy lol)
pixsperfect@reddit
Sounds exactly like your typical Irish extended family to be honest.
Aware-Psychology1608@reddit
I kept mentioning it to my ex until the day I left Ireland. I stopped going to stuff and made my ex not assist if that uncle was the host, but honestly I think that no one ever understood my point. My ex sister got married and she chose to allocate me next to that uncle at the table (of course I wasn't allowed in the main table with my then boyfriend). I asked PLEAAAASE to be changed so they put another person in the middle, but it was awkward to be there by myself. The thing with the boobs drama is that after that, things only escalated regarding his family, and at the end of my stay there, his mom was just appearing everywhere even in our dates at restaurants. I have a lot of things I could say about his family and why they were such an important variable in my decision to leave but honestly I just wish that he could achieve freedom from those horrible people at some point. He was also constantly disrespected and he was so used to it that wasn't able to see the issues!!
Well thank you for giving me the excuse to keep venting lol!!
OperationAlarming700@reddit
I see. From the background I believe it’s Brazil, Ireland is full of them (I’m Portuguese btw). I think the experience was worst due to lack of friendships outside of your marriage / relationship.
I live there and I love it but a lot of it thanks to have a big social network mostly of Brazilians and other South America people.
And yes Irish men are crazy for woman / men from Latina or African countries, but that can bring a lot of negative stereotypes. Understand your pain.
Aware-Psychology1608@reddit
Not Brazil!! The smallest neighbor that starts with U. Yeah I kinda faded and also it was hard because I feel really loved here at home! And it's really far! There are many cheap flights from Dublin to Portugal if you feel home sick. But that option is not doable when you are from across the ocean 🌊
PostNutPrivilege@reddit
Usually we move FOR the country
cosmicchitony@reddit
This is a deeply personal and difficult choice between financial stability and emotional well-being. You need to have an honest convo with your partner about creating a concrete, shorter-term plan to move, as 20 years of unhappiness is too high a price...
Seoulsuki@reddit
From the US, lived abroad for 12 years with intense home sickness and missing my family the entire time. I gave up my Financial Security to come back to spend time with aging family and on month 10 of being back. It's hard not to regret every day because the job market in the US is horrific and the living situation is not comfortable either. Everything necessary to live comfortably in the US is also extremely high and even unattainable in some ways. I think I will eventually try to go abroad again though I would choose a different country. I definitely do have some regrets but everything has to come to an end. If you feel the intense desire to make a change then it probably won't go away and eventually you'll have to jump into unknown. Try to be practical but go with your gut. It is certainly not easy but I was unhappy as you are in your current situation.
Vladigraph@reddit
At your income level you should be able to visit home once every year or two.
DFRQ404@reddit
My mom (Danish) lived in Africa for 15 years. Married my father from Mali and had 3 children. Her parrents conviced her to go back to Denmark when my parrents divorced, so we could have “Better Education”. She always regreted moving back home. When we all had moved out of the house, she would always talk about returning to Africa. Years went by and it became a retirement plan. Then, at the age of 58, she was diagnosed with are rare parkinson called MSA. She died at the age of 63 and on her deathbed, she deeply regreted not following her heart. I’m still convinced she got I’ll from always putting herself aside.
Moral of the story. Do what you want, not what you should because of “insert random reason”.
Money comes and goes, time does not. Most regrets comes from what we didn’t do, not from what we did.
Nzstatesman@reddit
I know exactly where you are at…I think if you don’t look so far ahead it is easier to stay where you are.
Ok_Chicken2950@reddit
The airport is 45 minutes away....
plus_tax_718@reddit
I hate to be Debbie downer. But you will eventually fight over this and come to resent him. If you have to pretend to be someone youre not everything you leave the house you will resent yourself and eventually resent him, which will be the end of your relationship. If happiness is priceless, and it sounds like you will make good money in NZ, but not your partner? So why won't they want that for you?
Imaginary-Kale4673@reddit
Your partner doesn’t have a high paying job if your house hold income is 120k. You moved there because he didn’t want to start over across the world.
Pay wise isn’t Sydney better than Dublin for the same position and experience?
Make a plan. Execute. Or break up and move on.
woddipik@reddit
hmmmm
barelydazed@reddit
My husband and I live in the countryside in France, both work remotely, and both feel quite isolated. We've given ourselves 3 years to build community, to improve our French and see if it is somewhere we want to settle longer. In these 3 years we don't want to think about moving, only putting energy to making life here better. Having a clear deadline has helped us both to shift our mindset and find ways to enjoy being here as much as possible. It doesn't need to be a forever decision.
chicitygirl987@reddit
I have been researching France for mos ( in USA retired). They are a difficult Country to live in . They are totally sophisticated or up to date on many levels . And they are not welcoming ( talked to many people that moved) . I may shift and start to look at Spain- I don’t believe in running and I traveled a lot when I was younger . Things always changing and every thing in life if temporary . Maybe look at a diff country or not sure where you use to live. But it is true that most expats leave by 2 yrs . I don’t know what age group that is but being a traveler is good too .
Ladline69@reddit
Goodluck to you
Leading_Might3485@reddit
Move away. No money is worth it unless it is for a limited time and somewhat “life changing”
Pick_Automatic@reddit
Does he know you’re secretly writing this?
djokovicnadal@reddit
Get a job first. Now you don’t have real options yet.
DeliriousBookworm@reddit
Sorry, I’m confused. You talk about financial security, but it makes sounds like you are making a lot more money in Ireland. Did you mess up the numbers?
Desperate-Reach-6798@reddit
Thank you what an interesting post! I'm Irish but not from Dublin. I lived there for a long time
I also found the city very difficult to make friends in (despite being outgoing). After ten or so years I gave up and moved a road and it was really a good decision..I think you should move as it is quite an unfriendly place and there is no point being in a place only for work! There are no real benefits to Dublin.
TravelTechHelper@reddit
That sounds really tough. Being far from home for someone else’s career can slowly wear you down even when the relationship is strong. It makes sense that you’d miss NZ, the culture, and that feeling of belonging. Maybe you and your partner could start planning shorter stints back home or a trial move to Australia to test how it feels? Sometimes giving yourself an exit plan or smaller steps helps with that trapped feeling.
Alejandrox1000@reddit
If both of you are struggling there, I will move back to NZ. It is not always about the highest paying job, if you live in misery. Do your numbers, check if you two can have a decent live in NZ, spending less, but enjoying live there. Or you can always struggle one more year in Ireland, safe as much as possible and then back to NZ.
In the past, I met a lot of people that were living in Dubai. Except the locals, all of them told me that they are there just because of the money and financial opportunity, waiting to make enough money or to retire in a better place.
As you said, waiting 20 years to really enjoy live, it is not much of a point. Some people do it because they do not have another option or because they believe it is what it takes to have financial security.
Chary_314@reddit
Your situation is actually not as bad as for other expats: since your husband also does not like it in Ireland plus you did not mention, that you have kids (which make it more difficult to move). For you two the way forward seems to be quite straightforward:
1) You get a master degree in your field (perhaps while staying in Ireland)
2) You both find jobs in Australia and move there.
Educational_Creme376@reddit
> I increasingly resent pretendinig to be someone I'm not when I step out of the house.
what do you mean by this?
ArbaAndDakarba@reddit
120k EUR is 241k NZD! Golden handcuffs for sure.
Educational_Creme376@reddit
Taxes are higher in Ireland, when comparing net it is equivalent to earning $200k.
lovepeacefakepiano@reddit
Echoing what many others said - how long has it been?
I love Ireland, it was my first and second expat country. Still miss it. But it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and if you miss your family and culture, nothing can truly replace that.
Would it be realistic for you to set yourself a goal? Plan to stay in Ireland for a set number of years - save up money - use the time to travel all around Europe, which is in such easy reach. Maybe even do your masters, if you can do it in Ireland, working part time is a brilliant opportunity to upskill while you have the extra time.
And maybe connect with fellow expats, if you can. Nobody gets you like another expat does, and you might even find some people from NZ.
ford_prefect_towel@reddit
How long do you live there now? Perhaps compromise with your partner to move after X years (much earlier than retirement). Has he lived in NZ before?
I decided not to move to my ex-girlfriend’s country and instead moved back to where I want to grow old. (We met in a third country.) I really deeply miss her now, but I also know, that I wouldn’t have been happy there. I hope I chose the path with lesser regrets but in the end I’ll never know. :(
lluluna@reddit
2 years is a short period in this case. Start reviewing your life after 5 years.
ibitmylip@reddit
how long has it been since you moved there?
bleuciel12@reddit
Culture Shock. You need years to go through it. Some people never really integrate or accomodate. There are various studies about this online. Have you read up on culture shock before you moved? Because these horrible feelings will come and go for years. You need to understand what you're going through, acknowledge them and let them pass. You can't really 'fix' them. It will get better with time. Or not. But you cant know that now.
Be grateful you speak the local language (I mean English). Imagine if you had to learn French, German, Spanish, etc and you couldnt even have a basic convo at the supermarket. And it takes YEARS to get to an intermediate level in a foreign language. Intermediate, not advanced.
So, I suggest you focus on the glass half full, what positives are there for you now living in a foreign country. How you can develop yourself as a person from this experience.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
If it has been 2 years or less, you are still in Culture Shock. Stay.