Ok Gen X, anyone got crude yet wise advice or sayings to share?

[-]

ToeProfessional7852@reddit

“You can shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which one fills up faster.”

Reply

[-]

bobbobboob1@reddit

If you’re not in bed by 10 pm go home…. My granda when I was 16

Reply

[-]

HalfmanHalfHaus@reddit

If you go to bed with a itchy butt you will wake up with a stinky finger

Reply

[-]

AngryMuppett@reddit

Nobody cares. I wish I’d known this when I was younger. Nobody cares about what you think or do or say. Except your family and friends.

Reply

[-]

Andovars_Ghost@reddit

If you are looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

Reply

[-]

gettylee@reddit

I can't get you sympathy but I can get you something to eat. My Mom would say.

Reply

[-]

Sirloin_Tips@reddit

If he's in there, he ain't happy!

Reply

[-]

Additional-Fig-2905@reddit

Similar to, "shit in one hand and wish in the other; see which one fills up faster."

Reply

[-]

LetsBNiceYall@reddit

My silent gen dad always said that

Reply

[-]

ntox21@reddit

And now that you know what it means, never look for it again!

Reply

[-]

DieHardAmerican95@reddit

Thank you for that knowledge, Major Payne!

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Cry me a river and shit yourself a bridge to get over it

Reply

[-]

Helpful_Link1383@reddit

Good one I hadn't heard before..😁

Reply

[-]

Pinkbeans1@reddit

My sergeant used to say this all the time.

Reply

[-]

Dive30@reddit

Between “So what and Tough Shit”

Reply

[-]

Salesmen are people who chase success who hold no real value. Intelligence has its limits but stupidly is limitless. Time changes me, but I can't change time. Words have no meaning without the horror of their reality.

Reply

[-]

KDLG328@reddit

Don't put your dick in it!

Reply

[-]

gringoloco01@reddit

My dad told me... Only fuck crazy once. Pretty solid advise really.

Reply

[-]

sexytime92001@reddit

As I get older, I realize "don't trust a fart" is a way of life

Reply

[-]

Working-Bike5600@reddit

You can’t make chicken salad with chicken shit

Reply

[-]

outnumbered6-1@reddit

No one said life fair

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Did I say it was?

Reply

[-]

PutPuzzleheaded5337@reddit

I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Reply

[-]

LeftResearcher@reddit

https://youtu.be/lkt9TIdpvrY?si=4trn6I82YDBw4fO5

Reply

[-]

robszmyd@reddit

Existential Blues?

Reply

[-]

DNSGeek@reddit

I'm just going to lay right down here in this field of POPPIES PoPpIeS Poppies poppies....

Reply

[-]

Purple-Candidate1854@reddit

Dead puppies aren't much fun. Btw, a fun thing to do at restaurants that have Amazon Echo is to say, "Alexa, play dead puppies."

Reply

[-]

InsuranceJerk@reddit

Or how much is the doggie in the window. Another crowd pleaser.

Reply

[-]

45Marksam@reddit

They don’t come When you call They don’t chase Squirrels at all

Reply

[-]

Noodles1171@reddit

I did a lip sync to this is 7th grade for my English class! Hehe

Reply

[-]

SometimesUnkind@reddit

I might be drunk, but at least I’m not insane ;)

Reply

[-]

drumorgan@reddit

I’d rather be a drunk than an alcoholic - alcoholics have to go to meetings

Reply

[-]

jax2love@reddit

What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks go to parties and alcoholics go to meetings.

Reply

[-]

nadacloo@reddit

Drunks know what time the bar closes. An alcoholic knows what time the bar opens.

Reply

[-]

Tundrakitty@reddit

Just different ways to kill the pain the same :)

Reply

[-]

Grafakos@reddit

Related from good old Winston Churchill: Woman: You are drunk! WC: Yes, but in the morning, I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.

Reply

[-]

odafishinsea2@reddit

“‘T’was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the decency to write and thank her.” - WC Fields

Reply

[-]

La_Pusicato@reddit

I think this was his as well.. Woman: If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee. WC: And if you were my wife, I'd drink that coffee

Reply

[-]

teamdogemama@reddit

I might be fat, but I can lose weight. Ugly lasts forever.

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

It only takes one drink to get me drunk. The problem is that I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th. -George Burns

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down... no problem

Reply

[-]

Ok-Tiger-7949@reddit

I never go to bed when I drink. I just wake up the next day. It's some sort of time travel

Reply

[-]

IChantALot@reddit

Not to be pedantic, but I think it is: I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

Reply

[-]

Winter-Net-517@reddit

This one is a sleeper. Always considered it a throwaway quip. Then I quit drinking and realized just how much heavy lifting that bottle was doing.

Reply

[-]

tkkana@reddit

Everytime I hear this saying I think of a faster pussycat song

Reply

[-]

Nematode_wrangler@reddit

I thought that was what they were quoting.

Reply

[-]

Left_Guess@reddit

Classic.

Reply

[-]

DNSGeek@reddit

Reminds me of Tom "T-Bone" Stankus from Doctor Demento, The Existential Blues.

Reply

[-]

LeftResearcher@reddit

Perfect is the enemy of good!

Reply

[-]

CraigLake@reddit

A quote I just read in Plum Lake: if it flys, floats or fucks rent it.

Reply

[-]

jaspnlv@reddit

You can't unfuck her

Reply

[-]

ITSOVERGUYS88@reddit

If you insist on sticking your dick into crazy, do it outta town as a one-night only show.

Reply

[-]

frank-sarno@reddit

"Give him enough rope till he hangs himself. But not too much, we don't want his feet to touch the ground." "Can't fix stupid." "Couldn't find his ass with both hands." "Yup, fire's still burning." (Because he wore the bootful of piss. It was inside joke about a co-worker.)

Reply

[-]

Asleep-Fishing4621@reddit

Gas, grass, or ass - NOBODY rides for free

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

I wondered when someone would post this one - classic!

Reply

[-]

Thumber3@reddit

Everything in life happens for a reason, and that reason is physics.

Reply

[-]

EdwardBil@reddit

We often said "everything happens for a reason, and that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions."

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

Sometimes that reason is because you are an idiot.

Reply

[-]

mayuan11@reddit

I like this version. Everything in life happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is because you are stupid.

Reply

[-]

AnonymousInGB@reddit

This is the first time I’ve heard the second part, and I love this. I’ve always struggled with the first part, because sometimes shit just happens. It’s not divine anything; it’s just physics.

Reply

[-]

Roadiemomma-08@reddit

Not crazy to think that the Divine created a universe with natural laws of physics that are based on math, and that those laws dictated the allowed bond angles of atoms which dictated which organic molecules might come to exist, which dictated which organisms might evolve, as infinitum. Not to mention the implications of the Heisenberg U Principle, wave/ particle duality and entanglement.

Reply

[-]

PaulClarkLoadletter@reddit

Technically the reason is explained by physics. I’ll show myself out.

Reply

[-]

Icy-Blacksmith-313@reddit

You are my people. I say this at work and people just blank at me.

Reply

[-]

BlackmouthProjekt@reddit

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Reply

[-]

unknowable_stRanger@reddit

It's DO pet the sweaty things

Reply

[-]

PPugPunk@reddit

This guy knows.

Reply

[-]

PPugPunk@reddit

I thought it was “Don’t sweat the petty. Pet the sweaty.” Which makes more sense, and sounds like more fun in my mind.

Reply

[-]

thaaag@reddit

An oldie: A guy’s looking glum on his birthday, so his mate asks, “Why so down? What’d you get?” He says, “A sweater.” His friend asks, “What, it didn’t fit?” And he replies, “Not that, I was just hoping for a moaner or a screamer.”

Reply

[-]

PPugPunk@reddit

“I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m just as good once, as I ever was.”

Reply

[-]

Money-Society3148@reddit

"Dood, if you can't go up and talk to a girl then how in the hell are you gonna get one to f\*ck you?" - my cousin when I said I was shy talking to women. That lightbulb went off and my inner charm took over from that day.

Reply

[-]

BeKind999@reddit

On providing advice, money, judgment of, or courtesy to a woman who is pregnant but not pregnant with YOUR child “not my jizz, not my biz”

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂😂😂

Reply

[-]

simply_mea@reddit

My ex used to say "Well stick a thumb up my ass and call me surprised"

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂😂😂

Reply

[-]

UnderstandingOk8544@reddit

Never be the second idiot.

Reply

[-]

asj-777@reddit

One with multiple applications: Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

Agent7619@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

McGrufNStuf@reddit

I’ve been told this so many times but it never stuck. The problem is that crazy is usually the most fun to stick your dick in.

Reply

[-]

Crush-N-It@reddit

Guilty as charged. I’ve chosen the crazy one intentionally many many times. Never got out of the relationship unscathed. I equate it to jumping on a trampoline with no guardrails. Fun to do until one day you miss and fuck yourself up. Do you ever not get back on? Nope, the next time you’ll just be more careful and aware.

Reply

[-]

Crankenberry@reddit

Accurate. My last one only lasted a month, I knew he was batshit going in, and I was barely unscathed when I was done. 🫢🫣

Reply

[-]

Crush-N-It@reddit

Human beings exhaust me 🤣🤣

Reply

[-]

Crankenberry@reddit

SAME 🥴💀

Reply

[-]

Crankenberry@reddit

Flipping the script, there's also no dick like crazy dick. Le sigh. 😮‍💨😫

Reply

[-]

Charming-Insurance@reddit

As well as to be “stuck” by.

Reply

[-]

DaytonaPickle@reddit

Surprised this far down

Reply

[-]

BloodEternal@reddit

When it is yellow, let it mellowed. When it is brown, flush it down.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂

Reply

[-]

Minute_Television913@reddit

Complaining without a solution, is nothing more than whining.

Reply

[-]

OkCandidate8557@reddit

"Get a body between ya" - my friend's advice after a bad break up.

Reply

[-]

peptide2@reddit

NEVER EAVESDROP , BECAUSE YOU-WILL NEVER HERE ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

Reply

[-]

BigVergas56587@reddit

If life were fair we’d all be living in mud huts

Reply

[-]

snarkmeister99@reddit

The company I work for was started in Australia and I’ve never felt more at home than when I heard one of the co-founders say “we’re not here to fuck spiders” on a town hall zoom. Truly, these are my people.

Reply

[-]

zombie_spiderman@reddit

Hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first

Reply

[-]

snarkmeister99@reddit

My dad always said this, although it was “want in one hand…”

Reply

[-]

swest211@reddit

My dad said want instead of hope. And of course, I passed that on to my own kids.

Reply

[-]

Soggy-Courage-7582@reddit

My dad said this to be ALL the time to basically rub it in my face that he was never going to say yes to anything I asked for. 🤬

Reply

[-]

Aeowrynn@reddit

This was said for anything and everything lol.

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

If your eating is sloppy, then your poopy goes ploppy.

Reply

[-]

Temporary_Stress3103@reddit

I told my son this (poop) at 4 years old and sent him home to his mother and he started running around saying poop in one hand and pee in the other. It was funny when mom called me trying to bitch me out.

Reply

[-]

davedirt01@reddit

I still say this, substituting "hope" with "want" anytime a salesman tells me (who makes the schedule) that a customer says they want to be scheduled for a specific date.

Reply

[-]

ritchie70@reddit

My wife’s grandma was a lady and said “spit.”

Reply

[-]

ObviousOrca@reddit

Thank you. This is more student friendly and tell your wife her grandma is class ;)

Reply

[-]

Strict_Emu5187@reddit

Yup, except my dad said wish not hope

Reply

[-]

ogbellaluna@reddit

my dad used to say ‘shit in one hand; want in the other, and see which fills up first.’

Reply

[-]

Which-Inspection735@reddit

My dad used to say this and my wife hates it when I do 😂

Reply

[-]

zombie_spiderman@reddit

My wife is British and when we first got together one day she called me and asked me how I was doing and I said "I'm so busy I don't know whether to shit or go blind" and she was INFURIATED by how little sense that made

Reply

[-]

DirectorBiggs@reddit

There was a song by Mule that had the line, trying to find it to no avail. Loved Mule!

Reply

[-]

SolomonGrumpy@reddit

Bacon Story https://youtu.be/u05gAMMazWY?si=aKI8tUulnVikwW4w

Reply

[-]

CptBronzeBalls@reddit

One of my favorite. Also works with ‘wish’, ‘pray’, ‘manifest’, etc.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂 nice

Reply

[-]

USN303@reddit

Grandpa said “If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it!”

Reply

[-]

Creative_Shame3856@reddit

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

Reply

[-]

BigRudy99@reddit

My dad would always say, "yeah and if my brother had tits he'd be my sister" anytime I gave him a bad excuse.

Reply

[-]

Creative_Shame3856@reddit

I always got "if my aunt had a dick she'd be my uncle"

Reply

[-]

All_the_Bees@reddit

“If my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle” “If my gran had wheels she’d be a motorcycle” My father used to say “if dog rabbit” which is obviously an abbreviation of something similar, but no one would tell me what the full version was

Reply

[-]

PacRat48@reddit

If the queen had balls, she’d be the king -dad

Reply

[-]

norfolkgarden@reddit

Then he got older. And the moobs showed up.

Reply

[-]

thomasanderson123412@reddit

If frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses when they hop. If my grandma had wheels, she would have been a bike! (From that chef on the morning tv show who had his meal criticized by the hosts).

Reply

[-]

BigRudy99@reddit

I AM SICK OF YOUR EXCUSES MILES!!!!!!! Nathan Arizona had the best lines in that movie.

Reply

[-]

mattwb72@reddit

That clip is so funny.

Reply

[-]

Aeowrynn@reddit

I heard my dad say "if frogs had wings...." all the time!

Reply

[-]

ShadowBitch42@reddit

If pigs had wings, the price of bacon would go up.

Reply

[-]

scoscochin@reddit

When you have to eat a shit sandwich, bite the corner where it’s mostly bread.

Reply

[-]

evilkitty1974@reddit

Shit in one hand & wish in the other, see which one fills up first. (Thanks, Mom!)

Reply

[-]

WhoopiePieEnthusiast@reddit

My father used to say: No one is completely worthless. You can always serve as a bad example.

Reply

[-]

ihatepickingnames_@reddit

One of my favorites. https://preview.redd.it/5upfzcles4tf1.jpeg?width=590&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f634477141b39201383d08b6e1f63ebc89d99d3

Reply

[-]

TriGurl@reddit

I love the Demotivators!!!

Reply

[-]

rickterpbel@reddit

“When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.”

Reply

[-]

TriGurl@reddit

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Reply

[-]

ihatepickingnames_@reddit

They were awesome!

Reply

[-]

MoistKiki@reddit

Oh snap, sounds like my mother wrote this.

Reply

[-]

Mindless-Ad8625@reddit

Loved that one so much, I bought it and put it on the wall at work (beside the soaring eagle “Dare to dream” inspirational poster). Lasted less than a day before it was taken down and company email about unauthorized promotional material. Oh well.

Reply

[-]

montanawana@reddit

Mine was Meetings: None of us is a dumb as all of us.

Reply

[-]

Alternative-Law4626@reddit

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

Reply

[-]

ihatepickingnames_@reddit

That's funny!

Reply

[-]

ninjersteve@reddit

I was always partial to the one with the caption “Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.” Feels very Gen X.

Reply

[-]

ihatepickingnames_@reddit

Nice! I don't think I've seen that one.

Reply

[-]

22Hushpuppy@reddit

I often think of this poster. It has given meaning to my life ;-)

Reply

[-]

hopelesscaribou@reddit

I love those calendars

Reply

[-]

gochomoe@reddit

My friends all agree that this was me

Reply

[-]

bedlog@reddit

I think Demotivators Calendars are still operating

Reply

[-]

JARsweepstakes@reddit

RIP “Tink” “That boy is as worthless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”

Reply

[-]

teamdogemama@reddit

My grampa's version: That person is as useful as tits on a bull. Personally I like telling stupid people to apologize to the tree they just stole oxygen from.

Reply

[-]

GeoHog713@reddit

As useful as a screen door on a submarine

Reply

[-]

open_road_toad@reddit

Yep. My apprentice instructor would say this

Reply

[-]

Curious_sapien79@reddit

Except trees don't use oxygen, they breath in CO2; and release O2; as a by-product of photosynthesis. You might invite them to apologize to lower life forms such as bacteria the aerobic kind that utilize oxygen).

Reply

[-]

Suspicious_Story_464@reddit

I told my ex he was as useful as a third asshole. Trust me, no one falls in love faster than a guy who needs a place to stay. I can't believe I was ever that desperate...

Reply

[-]

Historical-Gap-7084@reddit

Wait. Why three? Do we have a second one we don't know about? /s

Reply

[-]

Happy_Cat_3600@reddit

Also: that person is as useless as tits on a fish.

Reply

[-]

EmmerdoesNOTrepme@reddit

I always heard it as "Tits on a Nun"!

Reply

[-]

im_back@reddit

My father said bullfrog, bot bull nor fish.

Reply

[-]

Dependent-Aside-9750@reddit

Teats on a boar hog was ours. Lol

Reply

[-]

paws-4-a-cause@reddit

My versions of that are; "You're almost as smart as a bucket of sand. A very small bucket of sand. Almost." Or "As intellectually stimulating as a cinderblock." Or, my favorite, "About as useful as a bottled fart"

Reply

[-]

Top-Illustrator8279@reddit

Trees don't need oxygen, they produce oxygen as a result of photosynthesis.

Reply

[-]

DonkyHotayDeliMunchr@reddit

Trees do actually need oxygen, because they also undergo cellular respiration to unlock the sugars they stored for themselves using photosynthesis. Photosynthesis is NOT how plants get cellar energy; it's how they STORE it.

Reply

[-]

Knathra@reddit

Right. And the tree worked to produce the oxygen that the idiot is wasting. (The first time I heard this, it was someone talking about a drill instructor who told a recruit who had just screwed up, "Go apologize to that tree for wasting the oxygen it worked hard to produce for you to breathe.")

Reply

[-]

Top-Illustrator8279@reddit

Saying it this way makes sense. Saying oxygen was stolen from the tree is kinda like saying someone stole a bucket of piss... regardless of how or why it was produced, it's useless to the producer.

Reply

[-]

Lefrance76@reddit

My wife’s family is from the south. They say that person is as useless as tits on a boar hog.

Reply

[-]

TurboLicious1855@reddit

My auntie says tits on a boar. Lol

Reply

[-]

shuasensei@reddit

That's the original way of saying it

Reply

[-]

Drneedle@reddit

I use this saying all the time. People laugh.

Reply

[-]

BayouFunk@reddit

Often if we someone doing something stupid, I’ll look at my wife and say, “…and this motherfucker is using my air.”

Reply

[-]

Own-Prompt-8356@reddit

![gif](giphy|ZCBuJipo9FiJDspTXT)

Reply

[-]

urbanlandmine@reddit

I was that bad example.

Reply

[-]

Yummy_Castoreum@reddit

My version is "Everyone has a purpose in life. Yours may be to serve as a warning to others."

Reply

[-]

Cranks_No_Start@reddit

>father used to say… Mine would say, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose. Eternal words of wisdom pops.

Reply

[-]

Kpop_shot@reddit

I have that sticker on my hard hat, it’s one of my favorites. LOL

Reply

[-]

GeneralPatten@reddit

I read that as you’re not a good example of someone who is completely worthless.

Reply

[-]

cnew111@reddit

I love this! So true!

Reply

[-]

Sad_Construction_668@reddit

I heard it as “God can use anybody. I mean, he might only be able to use you as an object lesson for someone one else, but still.

Reply

[-]

kayakdead69@reddit

Thats my motto!

Reply

[-]

gdhkhffu@reddit

My dad had some choice phrases... "I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on." "Are you gonna shit or go blind in there?" "Nice hat. I wish I had two just like it so I can shit in one and cover it with the other." I miss him.

Reply

[-]

foppishmanabouttown@reddit

My dad says the same one about the hat. Never heard it in the wild until now.

Reply

[-]

AngryK9_@reddit

As someone who used to service lavatories at an airport, I can definitely agree with better being pissed off than pissed on...

Reply

[-]

Ok_Anything_4955@reddit

“He’s about as sharp as a u-turn “ “She’s dumber than a box of rocks” “Busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest” “If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough”

Reply

[-]

PaganLoveChild@reddit

I can lead you to water but I won't suck on your ass to create a vacuum so you'll drink it.

Reply

[-]

73rd-virgin@reddit

The good you do dies with you, but fuckups are forever Does the pope shit the woods?

Reply

[-]

RevolutionJones@reddit

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink.

Reply

[-]

MoosePenny@reddit

It’s colder than a witch’s tit. It’s like getting f*caked without the befit of foreplay. As useless as tits on a bull. These are all courtesy of my dad!

Reply

[-]

HildegardeBrasscoat@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

chgonwburbs@reddit

If you want sympathy, go find it in the dictionary...it's listed somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis". My coworker's dad used to say that to somebody who's whining about something.

Reply

[-]

PurpleGreyPunk@reddit

Why fart & waste it when you can burp & taste it

Reply

[-]

looselyhuman@reddit

Mine's crude and vaguely racist: Confucius say, he who fall asleep with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

Reply

[-]

Sufficient-Regular72@reddit

Conficuis say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Reply

[-]

Advanced_Tax174@reddit

Confucius say, man walking through airport with hard-on going to Bangkok.

Reply

[-]

paperkitten75@reddit

Another version: Man who walk sideways through airport door, is going to Bangkok.

Reply

[-]

AKANotAValidUsername@reddit

Man who go through turnstyle sideways, going to bangkok

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Reply

[-]

mommaTmetal@reddit

He who stand on toilet get high on pot

Reply

[-]

MustangLongbows@reddit

He who fart in church sit in pew

Reply

[-]

Thick_Journalist7232@reddit

My dad always said that one to. But it was “sit in own pew”

Reply

[-]

Moondra3x3-6@reddit

My step dad would say that a lot.. always cracking us up. Here is another one he said .. want to make a hormone? Don't pay her. 😂

Reply

[-]

SuzyQ4416@reddit

I knew Want to make a hormone? Kick her in the shin

Reply

[-]

MustangLongbows@reddit

OMG I remember that one. Classic dad joke.

Reply

[-]

rebelscum625@reddit

Confucius says panties not the greatest invention. But next to it!

Reply

[-]

bostonjenny81@reddit

Man who stand on toilet, high on pot

Reply

[-]

East_Reading_3164@reddit

Man who runs after cars winds up exhausted

Reply

[-]

evermica@reddit

Man who runs in front of cars gets tired.

Reply

[-]

Over-Direction9448@reddit

Woman who goes on fishing trip with many men come home with red snapper

Reply

[-]

Soggy-Courage-7582@reddit

One of my stepsister’s favorites: Confucius say, “Man who stand on toilet high on pot.”

Reply

[-]

Uztta@reddit

He who lives in glass house shits in basement

Reply

[-]

fumbs@reddit

I had forgotten these but the only one that stuck with me is baseball is wrong, man with four balls not walk.

Reply

[-]

Nwsamurai@reddit

A man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bang-kok

Reply

[-]

Olderbutnotdead619@reddit

3rd grade humors, I remember

Reply

[-]

norfolk_terrier@reddit

Man with he in pocket feel rocky all day

Reply

[-]

norfolk_terrier@reddit

Woman who puts carrots ans pees in same pot very unhygienic

Reply

[-]

looselyhuman@reddit

Lol

Reply

[-]

No_Goose_1774@reddit

If it smells like chicken, keep on lickin If it smells like trout, throw it out

Reply

[-]

NeedleworkerLow1100@reddit

My pop-pop would say "Don't give credence to garbage, or you'll carry it's stink."

Reply

[-]

lawtechie@reddit

> credence to garbage Worst mash-up ever.

Reply

[-]

wendythewonderful@reddit

Don't lie down with dogs or you'll wake up with fleas

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

Absolutely everyone online today needs to hear this.

Reply

[-]

Dalivus@reddit

I worked 9-1-1 for 15 years. I say “it’s a miracle we ever crawled out of the caves.“ People are stupid on a level you cannot expect until you actually work with them. We stand on the shoulders of a handful of giants because I have no clue how most people even navigate day to day.

Reply

[-]

paperkitten75@reddit

One of my boomer dad's sayings is, "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

Reply

[-]

Affectionate_Song_36@reddit

“Nobody ever said life was going to be kind.” I learned this saying in grade school and it has stuck with me ever since.

Reply

[-]

ComprehensiveLife597@reddit

Anytime I didn't want to do something like mow the yard in the hottest part of the day, dad would say " you can't be a pussy your whole life" and then go on a rant about how not doing whatever was pussy.

Reply

[-]

DMGlowen@reddit

League bowler here: You are as sharp as a bowling ball.

Reply

[-]

notcabron@reddit

No matter how hot she is, somebody somewhere is sick of her shit

Reply

[-]

mediclawyer@reddit

Aka, the “Billy Joel syndrome.”

Reply

[-]

mediclawyer@reddit

“You can’t run faster than a radio”

Reply

[-]

0ldEnough2KnowBe77er@reddit

You couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.

Reply

[-]

nchemungguy@reddit

At my very first “real” job a guy dropped this pearl on me: “Everyone is an asshole until proven otherwise.” You know, he wasn’t wrong.

Reply

[-]

Numbnuts696@reddit

Once you get past the smell you have it licked. If that isn’t bad enough how about this one? Never trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die. Or this one. No dick, no sense.

Reply

[-]

GeoHog713@reddit

#Dont stick your dick in Crazy.

Reply

[-]

Crewstage8387@reddit

“He doesn’t know shit from shinola” “Scheiße und Wasser drauf” Shit and water on it When bad things happened: We always get the shitty end of the stick

Reply

[-]

BrettHutch@reddit

Never cook bacon naked

Reply

[-]

ShelterElectrical840@reddit

Also don’t iron clothes naked

Reply

[-]

punkminkis@reddit

I just saw a post who took this one too far. They steamed their clothes while still wearing them.

Reply

[-]

Fraerie@reddit

For clarification, don’t iron them when you are wearing them either.

Reply

[-]

bobbierobbie76@reddit

Did that once. Took ten years for the scar on my stomach to fade

Reply

[-]

Far-Management-2007@reddit

Same!! I was pregnant, my stomach was much further out than I was used to.

Reply

[-]

norfolkgarden@reddit

Toughen up and just rub some dirt in it. While you walk it off.

Reply

[-]

Crush-N-It@reddit

Or cut jalapeños

Reply

[-]

Volf_y@reddit

…. And from personal experience, don’t pee after chopping chilies.

Reply

[-]

Funny-Berry-807@reddit

Ouch. Also, no Gold Bond down the shorts. Believe me.

Reply

[-]

ggbookworm@reddit

I knew a Dude that ate habaneros at his desk until...

Reply

[-]

Dependent-Aside-9750@reddit

Or use the restroom after applying Icy Hot to a sore muscle.

Reply

[-]

cacarson7@reddit

https://i.redd.it/etlp2y2rn6tf1.gif

Reply

[-]

shado0911@reddit

I regret that I only have one like to give!! 🤣🤣🤣

Reply

[-]

LadyTelia@reddit

I do this, but I live dangerously. 🥓

Reply

[-]

BrettHutch@reddit

![gif](giphy|AERakCAEIod7q)

Reply

[-]

CptBronzeBalls@reddit

Learned that one the hard way.

Reply

[-]

LetsBNiceYall@reddit

And ironing naked not a good plan either

Reply

[-]

CompetitiveFun5247@reddit

Same

Reply

[-]

poolpog@reddit

me too

Reply

[-]

Equal-Drop-3508@reddit

This is what I was going to say. Nice 😎

Reply

[-]

Shoe1314@reddit

…And never fight somebody naked.

Reply

[-]

Roadiemomma-08@reddit

Sage

Reply

[-]

ryamanalinda@reddit

That works with ffying chicken as well

Reply

[-]

BrettHutch@reddit

😂🤣

Reply

[-]

Whynot151@reddit

Chicken

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

I'm going to write that one down in my cookbook, very good advice

Reply

[-]

xczechr@reddit

Never park next to a smoking car.

Reply

[-]

R0botDreamz@reddit

Make sure you have flat tire money, broken AC money and clogged drain money before you spend leisure money.

Reply

[-]

TraditionalBackspace@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See what you end up with.

Reply

[-]

open_road_toad@reddit

“Don’t put your fingers where you wouldn’t put your dick”

Reply

[-]

open_road_toad@reddit

“If your aunt had balls she’d be your uncle” My apprentice instructor said this to me many years ago when I told him that if he held the block and straight edge a certain way he wouldn’t see any light between them. It was a filing exercise where you had to file a 1” thick metal block perfectly flat on one side.

Reply

[-]

Empty_Plane_8457@reddit

It’s better to be a smart ass then to be a dumb ass.

Reply

[-]

ScreenTricky4257@reddit

When you're up to your nostrils in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Reply

[-]

PracticalPurposes@reddit

Sometimes a kick in the as is still a step forward.

Reply

[-]

Putrid_Economics5488@reddit

Build a thousand bridges. Suck one dick. Which do they remember you for?

Reply

[-]

rottenbox@reddit

Don't put your fingers anywhere you wouldn't put your penis. In relation to using tools. I've worked with many people missing fingers, they should have followed this advice.

Reply

[-]

HawaiianGold@reddit

We’re all pink on the inside 😁

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

True statement!

Reply

[-]

Animalhitman50@reddit

I say this a lot to helpful coworkers "If you put your dick in my soup then it becomes your soup"

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Thats hysterical

Reply

[-]

OtterHalf_@reddit

Number one is next to nothing

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

True!

Reply

[-]

KaleemX@reddit

"Never rub another man's rhubarb."

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂

Reply

[-]

Initial-Proof-6972@reddit

Be a couple before you’re a group. Getting to really know each other before having kids. They change your entire life.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

So true!

Reply

[-]

Intelligent_Story443@reddit

Don't eat yellow snow.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Yes! Such good advice that Frank Zappa had a song about it!

Reply

[-]

Call_Me_Papa_Bill@reddit

And we were not allowed to play it at the college radio station (we were the Huskies)

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Thats a bullshit rule!

Reply

[-]

Historical-Gap-7084@reddit

Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow!

Reply

[-]

Intelligent_Story443@reddit

And she said, with a tear in her eye Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow

Reply

[-]

GrumpyCatStevens@reddit

Right about that time, people, a fur trapper, who was strictly from commercial (strictly commercial!) had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo…

Reply

[-]

Erok2112@reddit

But right after that you get Saint Alfonso's pancake breakfast.

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Ahaha so that's where it comes from!

Reply

[-]

BonezOz@reddit

I think that was the lesson taught in the book, "Mystery of the Yellow Snow" by I.P. Freely

Reply

[-]

Disastrous-Group3390@reddit

If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass when he hops.

Reply

[-]

Old_Butterfly7984@reddit

One of my favorites and it turned into a personal mantra at points to keep my sense of humor in divorce is that women are like dog shit, the older they get, the easier they are to pick up! I’m a 50 year old woman who decided to not say no to going on a date when I first divorced to try to break the pattern of man I was attracted to since my marriage epically collapsed very painful. For some reason that phrase made the online dating entertaining and I ended up meeting the love of my life through the strategy because I probably would have said no to going out with my boyfriend otherwise.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Huh...I'm F50, single. Will have to remember this!

Reply

[-]

thetoulman@reddit

Never trust a fart. Never waste a boner.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Good advice!

Reply

[-]

security-six@reddit

Make new mistakes. It's not crude. But it is wise

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Definitely wise

Reply

[-]

psgrue@reddit

You know how the second person always gets caught? Don’t be second.

Reply

[-]

Pretty-Fee9620@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/yrk1gzv917tf1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=daccbb1a29b6be8a7e8db168cc476d93cf20dfdc

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Nice!

Reply

[-]

Careless_Yellow_3218@reddit

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Reply

[-]

drew_p_wevos@reddit

He who denied it, supplied it.

Reply

[-]

Full_FrontaI_Nerdity@reddit

He who articulated it, farticulated it.

Reply

[-]

mailman19@reddit

If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak.

Reply

[-]

Full_FrontaI_Nerdity@reddit

If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full

Reply

[-]

Informal-Value-1797@reddit

My mom’s version is ‘if wishes were horses then beggars would ride’.

Reply

[-]

Dive30@reddit

If wishes were fishes we’d all eat a lot of fish

Reply

[-]

GingerHeSlut@reddit

No glove, no love.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

A timeless classic!

Reply

[-]

Zoopollo@reddit

Hot on the left, cold on the right. Sh*t runs downhill. Now you're a plumber!

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

😂

Reply

[-]

MichaelWoodPhoto@reddit

“The good lord must have loved stupid people, he created so many of them.”

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Never has a truer statement been made!

Reply

[-]

Crankenberry@reddit

Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

TheRiflesSpiral@reddit

Crude? "Don't stick your dick in crazy"

Reply

[-]

Both-Mango1@reddit

people who say fuck a lot are usually rather intelligent. life's like a shit sandwich. The more bread you got, the less shit you have to taste.

Reply

[-]

OAKRAIDER64@reddit

My grandfather shared these two pearls of wisdom with me when I was younger. 1) You can drink an ugly woman pretty, but you can't drink a fat one thin. 2) Date women with small hands......

Reply

[-]

Naphier@reddit

Whatever

Reply

[-]

big_daug6932@reddit

Before you go out, make sure you have clean underwear.

Reply

[-]

TacoDestroyer420@reddit

Okay, does this count? He who writes on these walls Wraps his shit in little balls He who reads these walls of wit Eats those little balls of shit

Reply

[-]

Lemur001@reddit

You don’t need proof when you have instinct.

Reply

[-]

Beautiful_Extent_384@reddit

When I was being less that forthright with my dad: You can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Reply

[-]

Desperate_Gold6670@reddit

Dad used to say, " Shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which gets filled first."

Reply

[-]

JenniferJuniper6@reddit

“March comes in like a mongoose and goes out as a duck-billed platypus.” My dad used to say that. Probably still does.

Reply

[-]

ToTooTwoTutu2@reddit

"The best time to plant a tree is 10 years ago" It was less about landscaping, and more about planning for the future.

Reply

[-]

eatencrow@reddit

Civilizations achieve greatness when old men plant trees in whose shade they will never sit

Reply

[-]

Valuable-Analyst-464@reddit

Warren Buffet uses that when talking about the right time to be investing.

Reply

[-]

more-kindness-please@reddit

“And if you didn’t 2nd best time is today”

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

The only easy day was yesterday.

Reply

[-]

Nwsamurai@reddit

"The second best time is right now" That's how I heard the quote.

Reply

[-]

MoistKiki@reddit

My Uncle's used to say it's cheaper to rent then to own when it comes to marriage.

Reply

[-]

njhenry@reddit

I vaguely recall my dad saying this one but I could be confusing the source. It's one thing to have people think you are stupid. It is another thing to open your mouth and prove them right.

Reply

[-]

SubBass49Tees@reddit

When I was 15 I got a job delivering furniture out on a truck with much older guys. They'd drive. I was the navigator. They shared such wisdom as... "They're all pink on the inside" (about dating girls of different races) "Lift with your legs, not your back" (not crude, but great advice) "Never stick your dick in crazy." (Yep...Great advice) I'm sure there were more, but I can't remember them. That was 30+ years ago. I wonder how those guys are doing these days.

Reply

[-]

swest211@reddit

No matter how far we were from our destination, if we asked how much longer until we got there, my dad would say, oh, about 15-20 minutes. My husband and I did the same with my kids, and my best friend picked it up and said it to her kids. My granddaughter told me recently that she "legit" had PTSD from hearing that (from us and her dad). My work here is done.

Reply

[-]

PhilMeUpBaby@reddit

The biggest decision that any of us ever make in our lives is \*who\* we have a child with. It's the one thing that can't be undone. You can get married... you can get divorced. You can buy a house (ie mortgage)... you can sell the house. But, you can't undo the parent of your child. You are locked into that person for life.

Reply

[-]

PleasantJenny@reddit

Oh my! How old were you when you were finally able to orgasm?? ;)

Reply

[-]

Glittering_Animal395@reddit

Lmaoooo this is straight up cruel!

Reply

[-]

PleasantJenny@reddit

Oh but he has my sympathy! That's even worse than anything my father-in-law ever said to my husband when he was "growing up".

Reply

[-]

PhilMeUpBaby@reddit

I just figured out early in life to be damn careful where my semen went. It only takes the one sperm to create a baby. In the 1990s I always carried two condoms in my wallet, and a sixpack in my car. There are people that... you have fun with... and there are people to spend the rest of your life with. It's important to figure out which category a person comes under (bad pun) before having unprotected sex. I'm now 53yo and don't have any kids (that I know of). I was hesitant and thorough about it in my 20s and 30s, and now, years later, I'm glad I was. Some people just shouldn't have kids. I recognised early that I just don't have the passion for it, and I didn't want to be some distant deadbeat Dad that wasn't able to maintain a supportive emotional commitment with his kid(s) or their mother(s). Either do it properly or don't do it at all.

Reply

[-]

New_Guava3601@reddit

Don't know cowshit from applebutter.

Reply

[-]

Princesshannon2002@reddit

She’s crazy as a peach orchard boar. You Evan want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. He sweats like a whore in church.

Reply

[-]

metacholia@reddit

You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first

Reply

[-]

2wt4u@reddit

I've been using the word "Ignoranus" since the 80's. At the time, I didn't know anyone who was saying that. NOT trying to take credit but I've seen, recently, that it's become kinda popular. And when people say; "No one likes a smart ass", I respond with; "Id rather be a smartass then a dumb ass". And even though I didn't add "like you", most people admit their guilty conscience and reply with a "fuck you".

Reply

[-]

bmessina@reddit

In response to where anything is: “If it was up your ass you’d know where it was at.”

Reply

[-]

asscheese2000@reddit

Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the less shit you have to eat.

Reply

[-]

Dive30@reddit

Weekend Advice (stolen from the Army): 1.) Don’t add to the population. 2.) Don’t subtract from the population. 3.) Don’t end up in jail. 4.) If you do end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.

Reply

[-]

bughunter_@reddit

My grandfather's advice he learned from a career in the Navy (WWII and Korea): "Never stick your dick anywhere you wouldn't stick your tongue." Works in many circumstances. And ports of call.

Reply

[-]

Pooks23@reddit

Don't milk the bull!

Reply

[-]

Neozite@reddit

Milk a bull once, you'll have a friend for life (old Yakov Smirnov joke)

Reply

[-]

Pooks23@reddit

I totally forgot about Yakov. Homie is 74 now! whoa

Reply

[-]

Historical-Gap-7084@reddit

I wonder if he still loves America.

Reply

[-]

Pooks23@reddit

He owns a theatre in Branson Missouri of all places. https://yakov.com

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

https://i.redd.it/808rojydm5tf1.gif

Reply

[-]

Pooks23@reddit

That’s a lot of…. milk

Reply

[-]

ThunderpussAbaco@reddit

Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Reply

[-]

Historical-Gap-7084@reddit

Ouch.

Reply

[-]

Historical-Gap-7084@reddit

My dad said this to my brother, in front of me, his teenage daughter, before my brother had a date: If you're not in bed by midnight, you may as well come home. I rolled my eyes so hard and my dad laughed. He also was fond of saying, "Never assume anything. You'll only make an ASS out of U and ME." I didn't get the me part, because if one assumes they're just making an ass out of themselves. But, whatever.

Reply

[-]

Senior-Cantaloupe-69@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

Fake_Answers@reddit

Tits or tires, you're gonna have trouble.

Reply

[-]

ladyrose403@reddit

also known as if it has tires or testicles, its going to give you grief.

Reply

[-]

Easy_Ambassador7877@reddit

It’s raining harder than a bull pissing on a flat rock!

Reply

[-]

wendythewonderful@reddit

If it's your job to eat a toad, you should eat it first thing in the morning. If it's your job to eat two toads, you should eat the biggest one first. Mark Twain

Reply

[-]

No1_Amphibian_5649@reddit

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I'd be at home with three feet of garden hose and a carton of Pall Malls

Reply

[-]

wendythewonderful@reddit

Love this one

Reply

[-]

seigezunt@reddit

That is weirdly specific

Reply

[-]

RemarkableDisaster92@reddit

If it weren't for friends or family, we'd never get f%@ked.

Reply

[-]

wendythewonderful@reddit

When someone says they wish they had/could do something: why don't you wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Reply

[-]

lazertittiesrrad@reddit

If you can't see it? Don't eat it. Works on many many levels.

Reply

[-]

airpab1@reddit

They always tasted lemony to me But no lemon in it

Reply

[-]

PuzzleheadedBobcat90@reddit

Don't shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

Sorcha9@reddit

Not every day can be bacon and blow jobs.

Reply

[-]

MaleficentExtent1777@reddit

Get off the cross, somebody else needs the wood! (Thank you 🙏 Dolly)

Reply

[-]

PNWOrgonian71@reddit

Best comment yet

Reply

[-]

Simply2Basic@reddit

Crude: “The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed” Wise: “You can only feel insulted if you respect their opinion.”

Reply

[-]

LydiaBrunch@reddit

If you get into bed with the devil, you'd better be prepared to fuck.

Reply

[-]

KaetzenOrkester@reddit

Have we done "never stick your dick in crazy" yet? My son has ignored me twice, and neither time has gone well for him.

Reply

[-]

Any_Spray_4829@reddit

This is some completely sexist advice my dad, who was from the old country, gave me - To a woman, don't ever give all your love or your money. And yes, that's how he was with my mom.

Reply

[-]

Dear_Statistician316@reddit

Don't eat the yellow snow.

Reply

[-]

CommunicationHappy20@reddit

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. I’m going home.

Reply

[-]

merlin2181@reddit

My two favorite: >There are more assholes than asses in this world. and >Quitting smoking is like quitting sex. You might stop doing it, but you never stop thinking about it.

Reply

[-]

humming1@reddit

- same sh!t different pile - effing the dog

Reply

[-]

tangoezulu@reddit

“It’s Hotter than Dutch love.” “Hit it with your purse.” “He went to shit and the hogs ate him.”

Reply

[-]

D3stinyD3stroy3r@reddit

My uncle says: "Take it easy, if it's easy take it twice." That's wisdom buddy.

Reply

[-]

Djcatch22@reddit

The more you say the less you know

Reply

[-]

Automatic_Bid7590@reddit

One "aw shit" fucks up 40 " atta boys"

Reply

[-]

Hwy_Witch@reddit

Don't be an asshole. Unless someone else is an asshole first, then be a bigger asshole.

Reply

[-]

themadprofessor1976@reddit

Religion is like a penis. It's okay to have one. It's okay to be proud of it. However, you shouldn't really wave it around in public, and you absolutely shouldn't shove it down someone's throat without permission, and don't even think about exposing kids to it.

Reply

[-]

Crush-N-It@reddit

🤌

Reply

[-]

NeedleworkerLow1100@reddit

Is that from Carlin?

Reply

[-]

PSN_ONER@reddit

Maggie Smith. I think.

Reply

[-]

Glittering_Animal395@reddit

This is the funniest response! You may or may not be wrong but Dame Maggie spitting bars like that is wholly unfuckingbelieveable!

Reply

[-]

PSN_ONER@reddit

Her version doesn't include the throat part.

Reply

[-]

Turbulent-Today830@reddit

No good deed goes unpunished

Reply

[-]

Crush-N-It@reddit

This should be the top comment. First time I heard it was high school. I’ve kept repeating this ever since

Reply

[-]

Key-Contest-2879@reddit

I say this more than I wish I had to!

Reply

[-]

unknowable_stRanger@reddit

Fuckin Truth!!👆👆👆👆

Reply

[-]

SailbadTheSinner@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

Animalhitman50@reddit

Variation : Don't shit in your own backyard

Reply

[-]

AztecGodofFire@reddit

Don't dip your quill in the company ink.

Reply

[-]

Fish-Weekly@reddit

Don’t fish off the company pier

Reply

[-]

BrianOfAllThings@reddit

Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.

Reply

[-]

Funny-Berry-807@reddit

Don't spit into the wind.

Reply

[-]

SushiGirlRC@reddit

Back in my 20s, my Director said this to me. I told him I had to fish where my boat was. He sighed & walked away lol.

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Boss earns a dollar and I earn a dime...

Reply

[-]

reddone66@reddit

So I shit on company time

Reply

[-]

starsblink@reddit

Also, don't shit in your own backyard.

Reply

[-]

Uuuuugggggghhhhh@reddit

And don't stick your genitals in there too!

Reply

[-]

SurgicalMarshmallow@reddit

Don't bonk in your gynecology clinic

Reply

[-]

seigezunt@reddit

![gif](giphy|41H9B5hoorbuE)

Reply

[-]

SomethingClever70@reddit

Don’t get your meat where you earn your bread. Don’t get your honey where you make your money.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

I almost used this one instead when I made the post, wise advice indeed!

Reply

[-]

Just_Robin@reddit

Want in one hand, shit in the other -see which one fills up first.

Reply

[-]

Conscious-Crab-5057@reddit

Don’t ever take getting hard for granted, one day it could just go down when you least expect it.

Reply

[-]

Bidesign54@reddit

Little Boy Blew….he needed the money!!!💰👦

Reply

[-]

BH85Xcountry@reddit

Oh!!

Reply

[-]

Ok_Wolverine6557@reddit

You’ll shit if you eat regular. Shit in one hand, want in the other and see which fills up faster. If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.

Reply

[-]

NovelRound2859@reddit

Never get high on your own supply

Reply

[-]

ThoughtIknewyouthen@reddit

"Remember it's not the fall that'll get you but the sudden stop at the end"

Reply

[-]

Call_Me_Papa_Bill@reddit

A couple of my favorites, from dad & uncles: A poor excuse is better than none. As useless as tits on a boar. Clumsier than a cub bear playing with his pecker. (To describe a paint brush that wasn’t cleaned) Stiffer than a wedding prick.

Reply

[-]

Dont_call_me_shirlie@reddit

Youth is wasted on the young.

Reply

[-]

SoddingEggiweg@reddit

Underrated comment. If youth only understood this fact.

Reply

[-]

CurseHammer@reddit

Oscar Wilde

Reply

[-]

TheKaptinKirk@reddit

Getting old is not for sissies. - Bette Davis

Reply

[-]

Dont_call_me_shirlie@reddit

She had that right!

Reply

[-]

Scary-Try994@reddit

Life is wasted on the living -Douglas Adams

Reply

[-]

Nematode_wrangler@reddit

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

Reply

[-]

labretirementhome@reddit

Porno for Pyros, Cursed Male https://youtu.be/5M8FDLph0Go?si=xuBE9XyNEncIJ20b

Reply

[-]

Olderbutnotdead619@reddit

And wealth is wasted on the old

Reply

[-]

ggwing1992@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

basscat474@reddit

He’s as useless as tits on a boar hog.

Reply

[-]

HistoricalTowel1127@reddit

There’s more than one way to fuck a chicken.

Reply

[-]

jackrabbits1im@reddit

Don't let your mouth write checks your body can't cash.

Reply

[-]

FirebirdRed5@reddit

“I see”, said the blind man pissing into the wind, “it all comes back to me now.”

Reply

[-]

jackrabbits1im@reddit

"I see" said the blind man, coping for a feel

Reply

[-]

jackrabbits1im@reddit

If she'll put a cigarette in her mouth, she'll put anything in her mouth

Reply

[-]

libginger73@reddit

Driving around church three times looking for parking is as good as going in once!! (If you live in a big city, you'll understand the lack of parking lots).

Reply

[-]

ZakanrnEggeater@reddit

Young bull says to the old bull, "Let's run down this hill and f*ck us a heifer." Old bull replies, "No son, let's walk down this hill and f*ck them all."

Reply

[-]

OGCelaris@reddit

Man I haven't seen Colors in years.

Reply

[-]

Tricky_Button_4462@reddit

I saw it at the theatre.

Reply

[-]

ZakanrnEggeater@reddit

such a good movie

Reply

[-]

SuperAleste@reddit

Think it was Snoop Doggs first appearance in a movie.

Reply

[-]

Denim_Rehab@reddit

I often use this saying when I'm trying to explain to my band that they are playing too fast to be funky 🤣

Reply

[-]

bedlog@reddit

Nothing wrong with fast funk, throw in a Hammond B3

Reply

[-]

Fake_Answers@reddit

My dad passed that one on to me.

Reply

[-]

Positive_Chip6198@reddit

This one i knew from a college.

Reply

[-]

ThunderpussAbaco@reddit

This one is wise.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

I love this one!

Reply

[-]

Funny-Berry-807@reddit

Keep it in your pants and keep it clean. -my dad to my 18 year old self before starting college.

Reply

[-]

libginger73@reddit

My dad said, his dad would say, "why should you get paid to be good when all my life I was good for nothing!"

Reply

[-]

Tricky_Button_4462@reddit

Take a long walk on a short pier.

Reply

[-]

Tricky_Button_4462@reddit

Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster.

Reply

[-]

Itchy-Mechanic-1479@reddit

You can always eat more LSD. You can never eat less.

Reply

[-]

throwaway1975764@reddit

Never forget low is a class too. Stay classy folks.

Reply

[-]

SneakyFeetPete@reddit

It's all shits and giggles til someone giggles and shits.

Reply

[-]

RndmGrenadesSuk@reddit

His dad should have blown that load into the sheets

Reply

[-]

SayRomanoPecorino@reddit

Don’t fuck where you eat

Reply

[-]

Purpleone64@reddit

You can't ride two horses with one ass. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤭

Reply

[-]

ChefPagpag@reddit

One crime at a time.

Reply

[-]

pprchsr21@reddit

Similarly, dint commit a misdemeanor while committing a felony. Use this for my clients with warrants who drive around without seatbelts...

Reply

[-]

MaleficentExtent1777@reddit

So many of my probation violators were caught speeding or with a broken taillight.

Reply

[-]

pprchsr21@reddit

Speeding when they don't have a DL...

Reply

[-]

MaleficentExtent1777@reddit

![gif](giphy|LwyaORSd9liNZ6MyuX)

Reply

[-]

Uncutsquare@reddit

Looking for this :) it’s the second crime that gets ya.

Reply

[-]

Staff_photo@reddit

Gold.

Reply

[-]

dano7891@reddit

Was speaking with a friend's son who just started college this fall. He mentioned that his highschool girlfriend also is at the same school & they're still together. "You don't bring sand to the beach" was the comment I had for him....

Reply

[-]

panaceaLiquidGrace@reddit

Don’t stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

Willing_Chemical_113@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/e4ivbnk4u6tf1.jpeg?width=612&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=260b02b72b1ffe7b045e0419703131235faaf6cd

Reply

[-]

PistachioGal99@reddit

When I asked my gramma to buy me something: “what do you think I do, sit in the corner and shit nickels?”

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

Our grandmothers were very different.

Reply

[-]

Wild_Bill1226@reddit

If you don’t learn to laugh at life you’ll just end up climbing a clock tower with an assault rifle. Little dated but the metaphor is still true.

Reply

[-]

Additional_Line_2834@reddit

The sad part is to update it you can substitute “climbing a clock tower” with “walking somewhere full of people.”

Reply

[-]

Wild_Bill1226@reddit

You can also say this generation is too lazy to climb the clock tower, but that seems dark.

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

We just had someone climb to the roof of a building, so...

Reply

[-]

FrankNumber37@reddit

It probably says something about America that when a mentally ill man shot a bunch of people from a clock tower, our only response was to lock up the clock towers.

Reply

[-]

bebopgamer@reddit

My parents were both on the UT campus that day

Reply

[-]

Clear-Calligrapher69@reddit

Yeah, but that guy had a brain tumor. [Story for those that don’t know.](https://youtu.be/uqwt6PLtCjU?si=sOmiT3X1XWeKUiEG)

Reply

[-]

Wild_Bill1226@reddit

I was actually referring to the Simpson’s episode that probably parodied that.

Reply

[-]

itspiv@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/tr53vfw405tf1.jpeg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=253c86c1df76cac684caf9be8035cd30a71591cf

Reply

[-]

bengalfan@reddit

If you aren't bleeding you aren't dead. Honestly I have no idea why this is a saying because it makes no sense!

Reply

[-]

WideRisk7495@reddit

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry fuckin xmas

Reply

[-]

SheriffBartholomew@reddit

If wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets.

Reply

[-]

Far_Animal6970@reddit

Always heard it as “yeah and if my aunt had a dick she’d be my uncle”

Reply

[-]

WideRisk7495@reddit

Thats a bute

Reply

[-]

speed_of_chill@reddit

😂

Reply

[-]

rebelscum625@reddit

I see said the blind mute to the deaf man

Reply

[-]

hedgehog77433@reddit

Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance

Reply

[-]

AllieGirl2007@reddit

Amazing alliteration!

Reply

[-]

SushiGirlRC@reddit

The 7 P's lol.

Reply

[-]

Djinn2522@reddit

You typically spend a third of your life on a mattress, and another third of your life wearing shoes. When buying these, don’t skimp when it comes to comfort. On everything else… you can usually go cheap.

Reply

[-]

IntelligentMoney9668@reddit

Beauty is only a light switch away.Nobody is ugly at closing time and a hard on has no conscience

Reply

[-]

CurseHammer@reddit

Neither a fool nor Wiseman can work without tools, but a fool will try harder After Max Lemon, Sonora High School CA circa 1991

Reply

[-]

Fecapult@reddit

Fuck the bullshit, man!

Reply

[-]

22Hushpuppy@reddit

“People in hell want ice water.” That was the response to any request we had. Parenting in ‘70s and ‘80s, right?

Reply

[-]

jrtski@reddit

The way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Reply

[-]

GaryNOVA@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

Illuminated_Lava316@reddit

Don’t do it to someone if they aren’t willing to do it to you first. (It was about oral.)

Reply

[-]

arbitrarypenguin@reddit

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Reply

[-]

HisTreeNut@reddit

Eat s*** and die. No, Eat s*** and live, and remember the taste ..

Reply

[-]

Sad-Corner-9972@reddit

Don’t stick your dick in crazy. One unplanned pregnancy and 3 decades later…she’s still a bit off.

Reply

[-]

godleymama@reddit

My great-aunt used to say she was "sweatin' like a whore in church." I use this quite often.

Reply

[-]

Warhammer517@reddit

"Don't kick someone in the crack of their ass. You could lose a foot." My dad used to say that.

Reply

[-]

DoookieMaxx@reddit

Never trust a fart after 40

Reply

[-]

VizzleG@reddit

I usually calm down after 39 of them.

Reply

[-]

nickfree@reddit

Lulling you into complacency. That’s how they getcha!

Reply

[-]

nickfree@reddit

Related: Never pass up a bathroom. Becomes more relevant every year.

Reply

[-]

Confident-Silver-271@reddit

Or after surgery

Reply

[-]

audiodude9@reddit

This one so true, especially after gall bladder removal.

Reply

[-]

Neozite@reddit

The way I hwar was "Never miss a chance to use the bathroom, never waste a boner, and never trust a fart!"

Reply

[-]

Ball-Blam-Burglerber@reddit

I hate how true this is.

Reply

[-]

shotsallover@reddit

Well, that’s because one more would make it too farty.

Reply

[-]

HammerMeUp@reddit

I can remember when this one became more important

Reply

[-]

Nagoonberrywine49@reddit

The user name checks out

Reply

[-]

cacarson7@reddit

If you loan someone $20 and never hear from them again, it was probably worth it.

Reply

[-]

rarelypublished@reddit

If it smells too sweet.... Don't eat. Uncles "sex" talk circa 1991

Reply

[-]

Eldritch42@reddit

My grandfather imparted this to me when I was 10 or 11... "You have to treat the whores like princesses and the princesses like whores."

Reply

[-]

Joyjmb@reddit

"If you can't be a good example, at least be a horrible warning."

Reply

[-]

thesupineporcupine@reddit

When in doubt, whip it out ! That’s what my auto shop classmates used to say in high school hahah

Reply

[-]

Trees_are_cool_@reddit

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. If you get hit by a bucket of shit, be sure to close your eyes.

Reply

[-]

ICrossedTheRubicon@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

PutPuzzleheaded5337@reddit

Oh…another one that I forgot. “I’d rather be in her than on her”. My boss used to say this and honestly, I didn’t know if it was funny or rapey. Can somebody please define this saying?

Reply

[-]

Few-Pineapple-5632@reddit

He’s dumber than a bag of hammers or a box of rocks. A few bricks short of a load…like half. You kids would tear up an iron ball or an anvil.

Reply

[-]

SuzyQ4416@reddit

Ok. I got one. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.

Reply

[-]

Go_Buds_Go@reddit

If you’re think of marrying someone, just remember that you’re marrying their family too.

Reply

[-]

phinz@reddit

Don’t wipe with the shiny leaves.

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

https://i.redd.it/8xmxid0bj6tf1.gif

Reply

[-]

ThinkingThingsHurts@reddit

Never trust a fart. Never pass up a bathroom and Never waste a hard on!

Reply

[-]

Dependent-Aside-9750@reddit

Use your head for something other than a hatrack. You're the reason they don't send donkeys to college - nobody likes a smartass. Work advice: Know your role and shut your hole. How tall are you? I didn't know they could stack shit that high. Don't be a dumbass. Man, remembering these really makes me miss my Dad!

Reply

[-]

Thonwil@reddit

Guy, you have enough blood to run your brain OR your dick. But only one at a time.

Reply

[-]

bialettibrewmaster@reddit

Trust your gut. Read The Gift of Fear.

Reply

[-]

bialettibrewmaster@reddit

I guess that’s not crude, but very useful.

Reply

[-]

AdorableSun563@reddit

They is for guy or girl, do not fuck the crazy ones, no matter how much fun it might seem, do not fuck the crazy ones.

Reply

[-]

drunkenwildmage@reddit

Never fuck any one you work with

Reply

[-]

stankyranch@reddit

Buy a plunger before you NEED a plunger.

Reply

[-]

redditwinchester@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

Reply

[-]

GuitarMessenger@reddit

"Shit or get off the pot". Mainly telling people to hurry up or get out of the way. Or somebody taken too long to make a decision

Reply

[-]

GrumpySnarf@reddit

"shit or get off the pot" "shit happens" "shit rolls downhill" "no shit, Sherlock". Lots of "shit" talk from my boomer parents growing up.

Reply

[-]

JFrankParnell64@reddit

I'd pay you what you are worth, but there is a minimum wage law.

Reply

[-]

Queasy-Dream-4398@reddit

Never put your fingers where you wouldn't put your dick. But I've had the 2nd in some pretty dodgy places/ people so I'm not sure how relevant it is.

Reply

[-]

six28eightyfive@reddit

Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen

Reply

[-]

the-quibbler@reddit

Don't s. your d. into c.

Reply

[-]

Top-Nose2659@reddit

My Grandfather would say "wish in one hand, shit in the other...see which one you get first"

Reply

[-]

Sad_Pension9734@reddit

That boy so dumb he fell out the stupid tree, climb up and fell out AGAIN

Reply

[-]

NCSubie@reddit

Nothing good happens after midnight.

Reply

[-]

Sad_Pension9734@reddit

If you wanna run with the big dogs, you gotta come off the porch

Reply

[-]

Sad_Pension9734@reddit

Mess with the bull, you get the horns

Reply

[-]

Jamminnav@reddit

Don’t screw your buddy. Don’t screw your buddy’s wife

Reply

[-]

Sad_Pension9734@reddit

That and a dollar will buy you a coffee

Reply

[-]

ThatLiberalGirl@reddit

Don’t take Ex-lax and a sleeping pill at the same time/

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

That sounds like a challenge.

Reply

[-]

ChicksHateMe@reddit

I agree. Give it a shot and report back

Reply

[-]

Existing-Leopard-212@reddit

Not with that attitude.

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Omg no, do not do that!!

Reply

[-]

Former-Relative7552@reddit

Sometimes you don't appreciate the misfortune you've avoided simply by NOT being "lucky".

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

Reply

[-]

Skepthrope11235@reddit

If you don't want shit on you, don't handle a turd.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

If I had shot you when I wanted to I'd be out by now.

Reply

[-]

Dahleh-Llama@reddit

You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make the horse drink it.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Might be bugs on some of you mugs but there ain't no bugs on me.

Reply

[-]

Amakall@reddit

Never make a permanent decision to fix a temporary problem.

Reply

[-]

TheKaptinKirk@reddit

And don’t fix it if it ain’t broken.

Reply

[-]

bebopgamer@reddit

Don't cut a rope if untying the knot is an option

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Stop crying or you'll get something to cry about.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Reply

[-]

bendingoutward@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which fills up the fastest.

Reply

[-]

paperifical@reddit

My grandmother used to say “spit up in the air, it falls in your face.”

Reply

[-]

LedFoo2@reddit

That window licker takes the short bus.

Reply

[-]

Nicodiemus531@reddit

The girls you wanna fuck are not the girls you wanna bring home to mama

Reply

[-]

usposeso@reddit

My boss was helping me with a project but i was making the final decisions … when i asked his input on a particular element, he says “ hey you’re fucking the pig, I’m just holding the head for ya.” Lmfao 😂

Reply

[-]

ragdoll1022@reddit

Funny aside for this one, when AIing a sow, someone has to sit on her back or the eggs won't fertilize.

Reply

[-]

Glittering_Animal395@reddit

I just posted a similar here but it was chicken / wings instead of pig / head! Lol.

Reply

[-]

mikedorty@reddit

It was a saying when i was in the Army: "you're fucking this chicken, im just holding it."

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

There's a reason why you have two ears and only one mouth.

Reply

[-]

Substantial-Toe96@reddit

Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and DON’T pet the sweaty stuff.

Reply

[-]

wildtwindad@reddit

If it floats, flies, or fucks, rent it. It is much cheaper in the long run.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

If it has tires or tits it's going to give you problems.

Reply

[-]

New_Show_5477@reddit

Best advice I ever heard: Don't go where the huskys go, and don't you eat that yellow snow.

Reply

[-]

AbbreviationsLarge63@reddit

Thought you farted but shit your pants

Reply

[-]

leaky_eddie@reddit

Using condoms you will learn, no deposit no return. If you fuck someone in the ass you’re gonna get shit on your dick.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Don't go to shit's house and be surprised when shit's home.

Reply

[-]

GeezePlease@reddit

Don't fuck up something you can't unfuck.

Reply

[-]

Sitcom_kid@reddit

Never let your credit score and your weight be the same number. (United States only)

Reply

[-]

general-illness@reddit

“If it flys, floats or fucks, rent it”

Reply

[-]

Invasive-farmer@reddit

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose...twice.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Dad?

Reply

[-]

Invasive-farmer@reddit

Oh hey. Brb, son.

Reply

[-]

Invasive-farmer@reddit

Lol. Regina Phalanges!

Reply

[-]

seamusoldfield@reddit

When I was 15 and just got my driver's license, I mentioned to my dad that a lot of parents were buying cars for their kids, and could I get one? He told me to "ask again when my d*ck is long enough to touch my a**hole." When I asked why, he replied "because then I'll tell you to go f*ck yourself." He was a real peach.

Reply

[-]

fmlyjwls@reddit

From my dad, silent generation: Every woman turns into her mother, so pick in-laws you like

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

If you want to see what she'll look like in 20 years, look at her mother.

Reply

[-]

Sitting_pipe@reddit

Take a second or two to think, before speaking. Do they need something, or are they needing you to listen?

Reply

[-]

ragdoll1022@reddit

Shit in one hand, wish in the other; see which one gets full.

Reply

[-]

stain57@reddit

When someone tries to tell you how to do your job, "I'm fucking this cat, you're just holding the tail."

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

We say, "Who's fucking this duck?"

Reply

[-]

Spacebier@reddit

The angle of the dangle is proportional to the heat of the meat - I first heard this on Beavis and Butthead

Reply

[-]

Htiaf26101@reddit

Been reminded lately of the phrase “having a dick measuring contest”.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

A pissing contest

Reply

[-]

CandleSea4961@reddit

I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire. If that family was more inbred, they’d be a sandwich. Now, take that slapped arse look off your face.

Reply

[-]

AvailableAd6071@reddit

Their family tree is a bush

Reply

[-]

McAndersen@reddit

Don’t complain. 80% of the people you complain to don’t care. And the other 20% are glad you’re miserable.

Reply

[-]

Glittering_Animal395@reddit

"No blow job!? I'll see you in hell bitch!"

Reply

[-]

Its_General_Apathy@reddit

Don't dip your wick in company ink

Reply

[-]

zero_cat_chance@reddit

Ain’t illegal if you don’t get caught.

Reply

[-]

Dapper-Box-3111@reddit

The people that graduate first and last in med school are both called doctor. I apply that one to all facets of life.

Reply

[-]

TacticalSnuggy@reddit

Dont let your food go cold looking at someone else's plate.

Reply

[-]

jwfowler2@reddit

It ain’t the years, it’s the miles.

Reply

[-]

Existing-Leopard-212@reddit

Life is like a sh*t sandwich. The more bread you have, the less sh*t you have to eat.

Reply

[-]

ThanosTheRedSnapper@reddit

If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary. You’ll find it somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Reply

[-]

Confident-Silver-271@reddit

Don't find your honey where you make your money!

Reply

[-]

Glittering_Animal395@reddit

A Master Gunnery Sgt circa 2003 "I'm gonna fuck this chicken you (me) just hold the wings«

Reply

[-]

Cheap-Shower-4340@reddit

No sympathy for stupidity

Reply

[-]

SnooCompliments6210@reddit

My grandfather would say either: "That's bettdr than a sharp stick in the eye." Or "Tha r's better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot".

Reply

[-]

LexaproLuger@reddit

Not crude, but sound advice: If you always do what you always did, then you’ll always get what you always got.

Reply

[-]

SnooCompliments6210@reddit

Love many, trust few, but always paddle your own canoe

Reply

[-]

McGrufNStuf@reddit

You can put lipstick on a pig. It’s still a fucking pig.

Reply

[-]

SnooCompliments6210@reddit

If it flies, floats, or fucks, rent it!

Reply

[-]

ResponsibilityFew318@reddit

Fuck em if they can’t take a joke.

Reply

[-]

_Savage_Q@reddit

It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard!

Reply

[-]

nklights@reddit

Never underestimate the productive power of a well-timed freakout

Reply

[-]

Select-Laugh768@reddit

Work smarter not harder It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. That's a fave:)

Reply

[-]

brqqme@reddit

You’ll never shove that weed far enough up your ass for the cop dogs not to find it.

Reply

[-]

Camber799@reddit

You don’t know shit from Shinola!

Reply

[-]

Plenty-Object8204@reddit

Assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups.

Reply

[-]

borntoslack@reddit

No matter how hot she is, somewhere there's a guy who is sick and tired of putting up with her sh!t.

Reply

[-]

StinkypieTicklebum@reddit

Yes, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is poor judgement and bad companions.

Reply

[-]

Oomdaqi@reddit

You can't bake a cake if you're eating all the batter. Birth control advise.

Reply

[-]

_Savage_Q@reddit

We're clear out here in boom fucked Egypt!

Reply

[-]

jeffro3339@reddit

"If money won't buy you happiness you've got some serious problems."

Reply

[-]

New_Coyote1872@reddit

Best friend you got, is the dollar in your pocket.

Reply

[-]

CodenameZoya@reddit

My friend‘s dad used to say “hope in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first “whenever he said he hoped something would happen

Reply

[-]

veni_vedi_vinnie@reddit

Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things

Reply

[-]

mannypdesign@reddit

The world is run by people dumber than you, and rules are a suggestion if you know how to talk your way around them.

Reply

[-]

Purple-Candidate1854@reddit

Hope everything comes out alright. -- for going to the bathroom

Reply

[-]

AquaValentin@reddit

People only care about you when you’re in a position to do something for them. When you’re no longer in that position they will no longer care

Reply

[-]

Pink-socks@reddit

Stolen from Louis CK: Everything happens for a reason.. but sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions

Reply

[-]

SkibidiBlender@reddit

Always wear a condom and a parachute while driving drunk Always wear a crash helmet when making love in a brass bed Never, ever tell her you love her.

Reply

[-]

whydya-dodat@reddit

If you want to learn the easiest and fastest way to get a job done, find the oldest fat guy on the crew. If he’s employed, the bosses know he’s worth keeping around. If he’s fat, he never works hard enough to sweat. If he’s old, his shortcuts haven’t killed him yet.

Reply

[-]

coolgirlwarmworld@reddit

Ha! My Stepmother once told me about an old boyfriend of mine, "Tell him to shit or get off the pot"! Still makes me laugh!

Reply

[-]

SuzyQ4416@reddit

Not crude but when we would ask my uncle too many questions he’d say. What?! Are you writing a book? Leave this chapter out and make it a mystery!

Reply

[-]

Kpop_shot@reddit

Or kiss my ass and make it a love story!

Reply

[-]

Far_Animal6970@reddit

Conversely, when I’d ask “what” too many times my high school history teach would say “are you becoming a light bulb with all those whats?”

Reply

[-]

Strict_Emu5187@reddit

Omg- high school memories- class of '88

Reply

[-]

MaddMango68@reddit

Broken trust in relationships is like spoiled milk. You don't put it back in the fridge and hope it'll be better tomorrow. You dump it down the drain and get a new container of milk.

Reply

[-]

Sloth_grl@reddit

Shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which one gets filled first.

Reply

[-]

tgrantt@reddit

I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch

Reply

[-]

shuasensei@reddit

Got a few. Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. If it's brown flush it down. If it's yellow let it mellow. Fuck what you heard and fuck who you heard it from. Never shit where you eat. Like putting lipstick on a pig

Reply

[-]

SLMRN01@reddit

My Dad: “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”

Reply

[-]

Fokewe@reddit

Never put your mouth where your hand hasn’t been.

Reply

[-]

Key-Contest-2879@reddit

*say to another dude* “Nice shirt. Do they make that in Men’s?” Also: Does your wife know you’re wearing her sunglasses?

Reply

[-]

Wide_Breadfruit_2217@reddit

I say the piss on today comment all the time! Also love "not my circus-not my monkeys"

Reply

[-]

refuz04@reddit

In every failed relationship there is one constant. Yourself.

Reply

[-]

Narrow_Pepper_1324@reddit

If the baby us ugly, then the parents are ugly too!

Reply

[-]

naazzttyy@reddit

“Titty fucking is a young man’s game. At my age, I can’t be wasting my strokes! No matter how fine them titties might be, you got to keep your head in the game and stay focused on the prize you want to win.”

Reply

[-]

MrsCrowley79@reddit

Very recently acquired Another Fucking Opportunity (for) Growth Thanks to lots of mental health issues and expensive therapy

Reply

[-]

MrsCrowley79@reddit

Don't turn up with one arm as long as the other - just good guest etiquette

Reply

[-]

Hattkake@reddit

If you have your head up your ass all you see will be shit.

Reply

[-]

SushiGirlRC@reddit

Don't fuck your co-workers.

Reply

[-]

Bruin9098@reddit

Nobody cares. Work harder.

Reply

[-]

SwingandMiss77@reddit

Owner of the hardware store I worked at as a kid would always tell us ‘gotta move the bra if you want to see the tit’ whenever we couldn’t find something in storage.

Reply

[-]

Own_Fishing2431@reddit

Eat more pussy.

Reply

[-]

AgainstSpace@reddit

My luck is so bad if that I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.

Reply

[-]

StrangeCrimes@reddit

Whenever I got injured mom would say "Yeah, you shouldn't do that. It hurts." I said it to my wife once. Once.

Reply

[-]

Kindly-Might-1879@reddit

Don’t step over dollars to pick up dimes.

Reply

[-]

Flaky_While1612@reddit

Life is a bitch. And then she has puppies. Maybe just my family said that though…. But they said it a lot.

Reply

[-]

Deep-While-6069@reddit

A stiff dick has no conscience.

Reply

[-]

Own_Instance_357@reddit

"Sometimes, You've just got to say, What the Fuck" has definitely been the last phrase ever heard live by witnesses to that person's imminent severe injury and/or death

Reply

[-]

looselyhuman@reddit

One of my HS friends was a big fan of "sometimes you just gotta say 'fuck it.'" He was naturally kind of anal, so that was his mantra to live a little. Always admired it. He's dead.

Reply

[-]

VisualEyez33@reddit

If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent than own.

Reply

[-]

WiggityWiggitySnack@reddit

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Reply

[-]

SoUpInYa@reddit

At least youre biodegradable

Reply

[-]

Pristine_Poetry1340@reddit

don't shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

Montereyluv@reddit

Don't get your meat where you make your bread!

Reply

[-]

GB24Hours@reddit

Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

SoUpInYa@reddit

Throw some money into the air, whatever he wants, he'll keep

Reply

[-]

CqwyxzKpr@reddit

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Reply

[-]

Which-Inspection735@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

ImColdandImTired@reddit

Also, don’t dip your pen in the Company ink.

Reply

[-]

sawwit-diddit@reddit

+Shit or get off the pot. +Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one gets filled up first. +If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart. +If I wanted any of your lip, I'd scrape it off my zipper. I wonder if these are so unidirectionally themed because I'm reading on the🚽?? 🤷

Reply

[-]

The_Master_Sourceror@reddit

Every now and then say what the fuck. What the fuck gives you freedom Freedom brings opportunity Opportunity makes your future. Miles Dalby might be the voice of our generation.

Reply

[-]

Dangerous_Patient621@reddit

My gram used to say: "Shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which one fills up faster."

Reply

[-]

SnarkSupreme@reddit

Crime does pay, but sometimes the pay really sucks.

Reply

[-]

Lesterkitty13@reddit

“I hate a drunk man when I’m sober and a sober man when I’m drunk.” “Blind hawg found an akern.” When finally having a bit of luck “Grassy ass” for thank you Yeah, dad could be a funny guy.

Reply

[-]

Midnight_Crocodile@reddit

Don’t poke the payroll, or Don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

Reply

[-]

aluminumnek@reddit

I fell asleep driving after seeing They Might Be Giants at age 19, ended upside down in someone yard I used to tell people as long as yr not face down in the ditch you’re okay

Reply

[-]

JimTheJerseyGuy@reddit

If it flies, floats, or fucks, it’s cheaper to rent than to buy.

Reply

[-]

ThunderpussAbaco@reddit

I always heard it like this, “if it flies, floats or fucks, you’re gonna have problems with it”.

Reply

[-]

ShadowBitch42@reddit

If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble.

Reply

[-]

stain57@reddit

If it uses lipstick or tires, it's going to cost you money.

Reply

[-]

FrankParkerNSA@reddit

That's why it's cheaper to rent.

Reply

[-]

East_Reading_3164@reddit

Man who do business in whorehouse gets jerked around. Foolish man give wife grand piano, Wise man give wife upright organ.

Reply

[-]

1tiredmommy@reddit

If it has tits or testicles, you’re going to have problems with it.

Reply

[-]

Specific_Ad_97@reddit

Be cool, stay in school.

Reply

[-]

Far-Contribution4090@reddit

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and lift the seatie!

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

We aim to please, so aim, please!

Reply

[-]

412_15101@reddit

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat & wipe the seat

Reply

[-]

nobturner62@reddit

Don’t sweat the petty things, and vice-versa.

Reply

[-]

PAPAIZ1970@reddit

Everything in life happens for a reason, just not the reason you’d like. Turns out it’s truer as you age.

Reply

[-]

MrTurtleTails@reddit

Watch the politicians closely...those you vote for even closer.

Reply

[-]

Thundrg0d@reddit

Don't eat yellow snow.

Reply

[-]

eviletwiz@reddit

My grandmother would say every man is an asshole and every woman is a bitch but you dont need to go out and prove it to everyone. In fact it's your job to prove the opposite.

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

"Sometimes sun shines on a dog's ass." -- My dad anytime I succeeded at something.

Reply

[-]

Adventurous_Class_90@reddit

Better to be a fat ass than a dumb ass… Also, everyone loves a fat ass but no one loves a smart ass

Reply

[-]

vankoder@reddit

Mom: "Anything worth doing half-assed is worth doing whole-assed."

Reply

[-]

kalelopaka@reddit

“If it has tires or tits it’s going to cause you problems.” “Big woman big pussy, little woman all pussy.” Two of my dad’s words of wisdom…

Reply

[-]

Zelig30@reddit

If a special ed kid is late to school, can you still call him tardy?

Reply

[-]

CombatRedRover@reddit

Son, treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore: you'll get laid every time. "

Reply

[-]

Moodleboy@reddit

As a teacher, I've used this one a lot: You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Reply

[-]

handsomeape95@reddit

Oh that's funny. I was scrolling looking for this quote and I first heard it from one of my teachers.

Reply

[-]

shaun_of_the_south@reddit

I used to do work for a guy that would say that and then say “that’s bullshit. I’ve spent my whole life turning chicken shit into chicken salad and I’ve made a ton of damn money doing it”. He then proceeded to call the manager of Stoney’s over to ask how they were out of ketchup when there was a grocery store in the same parking lot.

Reply

[-]

Zelig30@reddit

The naked man fears no pickpocket.

Reply

[-]

Pigeon_Jones@reddit

Have a go Mate.Anything’s possible.

Reply

[-]

Equivalent-Speed-631@reddit

Shit or get off the pot. Trying to shove 10 lbs of shit, into a 5 lbs bag.

Reply

[-]

porcelainvacation@reddit

I tell my dog to shit or get off the lawn.

Reply

[-]

Dorothyismyneighbor@reddit

The story in your head is not reality.

Reply

[-]

SunDummyIsDead@reddit

Re: affairs: “The fucking you get ain’t worth the FUCKING you’ll get.”

Reply

[-]

BrainsPainsStrains@reddit

Not about food: It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.

Reply

[-]

Uztta@reddit

Thought thought he farted, shit his pants.

Reply

[-]

Greasystools@reddit

“Real friends call you on your shit. A guy friend won’t do that because he wants to fuck you” advice I got from a friend who was a total badass

Reply

[-]

KCWilly1@reddit

Get you head out of your ass

Reply

[-]

shep4031@reddit

Woman are all ugly on the inside.

Reply

[-]

theanoeticist@reddit

A beast with many legs moves slowly.

Reply

[-]

hewhoisgomez@reddit

Life is a 69. You get what you give.

Reply

[-]

ooft-nah-m8@reddit

You can only piss with the cock you’ve got

Reply

[-]

StudsTurkleton@reddit

My dad used to say: When fate punches you in the nose, it twists its fist! And he’d say “as useless as tits on a bull.”

Reply

[-]

alzheimerscat@reddit

"Don't wrestle a pig. You both get covered on shit but the pig doesn't mind."

Reply

[-]

OrcaHawk1@reddit

Do your balls hang low do they swing to and fro have you gone bald yet or does your hair still grow…

Reply

[-]

LissaBryan@reddit

If you go home with someone and don't see any books, don't fuck them. - John Waters

Reply

[-]

CaptainBeefsteak@reddit

As one of your buddies is headed to the restroom, loudly proclaim, "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat!"

Reply

[-]

Carlton_Fortune@reddit

Feint heart never fucked a pig. Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see.. (very apt nowadays)

Reply

[-]

Realistic_Back_9198@reddit

Hope in one hand, and sh\*t in the other. See which fills up first.

Reply

[-]

CaptainBeefsteak@reddit

If wishes were fishes, we'd have some fried. If wishes were horses, we'd have one to ride!

Reply

[-]

Familiar-Flan-8358@reddit

I heard this from a comedian but something like “sex in successful relationships is like a bathroom in a house. You don’t buy the house for the bathroom, but you’ll never buy a house without a bathroom”

Reply

[-]

Tall_Neighborhood421@reddit

Never trust a fart

Reply

[-]

stjarnalux@reddit

Never put your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

FushiginaGiisan@reddit

Don’t fix it till it’s broke. RTFM

Reply

[-]

Grand_Taste_8737@reddit

Don't eat yellow snow.

Reply

[-]

discussatron@reddit

My daddy told me, “Son, you can swim in the Red River, just don’t drink from it.”

Reply

[-]

SaltyDogBill@reddit

Lots of lube and go slow.

Reply

[-]

CaptainBeefsteak@reddit

He's as worthless as the tits on a boar.

Reply

[-]

CaptainBeefsteak@reddit

He's like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Reply

[-]

Kingofcryo@reddit

Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

Reply

[-]

412_15101@reddit

Some days it’s not worth chewing through the restraints https://preview.redd.it/yub0mfo5e5tf1.jpeg?width=498&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=885536279bdcb2c502a42b22182223ff76af4cc6

Reply

[-]

undercoverhippie@reddit

I offered my honor, she honored my offer, and I was on her and off her all night.

Reply

[-]

abesapien2@reddit

Nope. Just want to be left alone.

Reply

[-]

Cryptooverlords@reddit

All it takes is one idiot to fuck it all up.

Reply

[-]

amygdalanomaly@reddit

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. - Tome Waits

Reply

[-]

jcmacon@reddit

If you can't find the hole, just put a little hair around it.

Reply

[-]

bedlog@reddit

I had co workers who used to say obvious dumb things and I'd reply with " no flies on you" or " like flies on stink"

Reply

[-]

CharismaticAlbino@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy. Really just don't bang crazy people, or mean people. No matter how hot, it's never worth it, and if someone winds up pregnant it's a fucking nightmare

Reply

[-]

Nematode_wrangler@reddit

Never stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

Aromatic-Proof-5251@reddit

Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine and into your brain; that’s where shitty ideas come from.

Reply

[-]

casual_observer3@reddit

Either shit or get off the pot.

Reply

[-]

spammyzahn@reddit

I enjoy telling dumb people that their face is on the backside of the abortion clinic door. When a woman goes in and has a change of thought she turns around and sees a photo of you on the backside of the door, she turns back around and goes yep let’s do this I don’t need that mistake!

Reply

[-]

Roguefem-76@reddit

My family's answer to "A man won't buy the cow if he gets the milk for free" is: "It's not worth buying the whole pig just for a little sausage."

Reply

[-]

AuntieMeridium@reddit

From the grumpy neighbor to all the GenX kids on the block, "Were you born stupid or did you have to work at it?"

Reply

[-]

Agitated-Result-4029@reddit

My best thinking got me here.

Reply

[-]

Matt-J-@reddit

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Reply

[-]

Poperama74@reddit

One slip and you’re in the shit

Reply

[-]

shakeyjake@reddit

When I complained as a kid my grandpa would say “life’s a shit sandwich and you got the heels”

Reply

[-]

WingedWheelGuy@reddit

No matter how good looking she may be, some other guy is sick and tired of her bullshit.

Reply

[-]

bixtuelista@reddit

dont stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

1stnspc@reddit

While at a college party, a guy was pumping the keg and couldn’t push it down anymore, so he says: “man, this is pumped up tighter than a nun’s asshole.” Now I use that phrase to describe someone with a stick up their ass. Another one was from my grandmother. If I said I was bored, she’d go “ahh, go scratch your ass.” 😂

Reply

[-]

One-Hand-Rending@reddit

Love is grand. Divorce is 500 grand.

Reply

[-]

nixtarx@reddit

Don't let your meat loaf.

Reply

[-]

Hi-Scan-Pro@reddit

Those were my dad's dying words to me.

Reply

[-]

Extreme_Fall_4651@reddit

My dad used to “assholes and elbows” instead of “elbow grease” when referring to effort for chores. And one that I still say in my head often- “Close only counts in horseshoes (the game) and hand grenades.”

Reply

[-]

Sa_Mtns@reddit

Version I heard added a coupke: ... horseshoes, hand granades, nuclear bombs, and quoits

Reply

[-]

m2surfer@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

Tiny_Kiwi_7020@reddit

Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. The 6 p’s!

Reply

[-]

Hecallzmemadpants@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other; see which gets filled faster

Reply

[-]

Right-Fact-3675@reddit

If if was a fifth we’d all be drunk

Reply

[-]

Interesting_Debate57@reddit

Literal from the German: "Dumb fucks good" Meaning that stupid people are more likely to be great at sex.

Reply

[-]

Consistent_Eye5101@reddit

Never write checks your ass can’t cash!

Reply

[-]

rugger1869@reddit

Don’t stick your Dick Where you wouldn’t stick your face.

Reply

[-]

Stein070707@reddit

You fuck around...you fuck around, and pretty soon you won't be around.

Reply

[-]

Holiday-Window2889@reddit

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, you feed him for the rest of his life. Build a man a fire, he's warm for a day; *set* a man afire, he's warm for the rest of his life... I have no idea why I remember this, but you guys are giving me flashbacks lolololol

Reply

[-]

MountainTomato9292@reddit

In my younger days, it was “the best way to get over a man is to get under another one”

Reply

[-]

beerandmastiffs@reddit

Ideology is like breath. Nobody smells their own.

Reply

[-]

newyork2E@reddit

Pressure is the result of not being prepared.

Reply

[-]

Mandyvlp@reddit

“Shit or get off the pot” “If…if the queen had balls, she’d be a king” “Who are you trying to convince - me or you”

Reply

[-]

2furrycatz@reddit

I heard it as "'Balls' said the queen. 'If I had to (two), I'd be king'"

Reply

[-]

tecnic1@reddit

"I'm more than happy to let (someone else) fuck that pig." Me getting cut out of a clusterfuck of a work assignment.

Reply

[-]

charlie_marlow@reddit

One I've used is to say, you know, this isn't my circus and those aren't my monkeys

Reply

[-]

Buhos_En_Pantelones@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

Reply

[-]

pin1onu2@reddit

Gaffer tape won't fix stupid but it will muffle the sound

Reply

[-]

crit_boy@reddit

The dildo of consequence rarely comes with lube. Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Slicker than cat shit on a hot tin roof

Reply

[-]

ImOnlyHereForTheCoC@reddit

You can shake it, you can slap it, you can whack it on the wall But only once it’s in your pants Will the last drop fall

Reply

[-]

Far_Animal6970@reddit

Better to ask for forgiveness than to beg for permission

Reply

[-]

b_o_m@reddit

You can't polish a turd.

Reply

[-]

pin1onu2@reddit

But you can dip it in glitter

Reply

[-]

TenYearHangover@reddit

You can wish one hand and shit in the other… see which one fills up first

Reply

[-]

zyglack@reddit

The longer you look at the landscape the more piles of shit you see.

Reply

[-]

OldLadyReacts@reddit

Having an affair is like playing pool on two different tables. You might have the balls, but your stick will get tired.

Reply

[-]

OGWandererPT@reddit

Life sucks; get a helmet It's all s#@t and giggles until someone giggles and s#@ts

Reply

[-]

SomeGuyClickingStuff@reddit

After 50, “Don’t trust a fart” and “Don’t waste a boner”.

Reply

[-]

thomasanderson123412@reddit

As a kid, my dad tried to motivate me with "there's two guys in life - one guy digging the hole, and the guy telling him where to dig it." And that I need good grades in order to be the latter.

Reply

[-]

fcewen00@reddit

- Sometimes the wisest thing to say is absolutely nothing and walk away flipping the bird - That’s not trauma, that’s called ‘Tuesday in 1987’

Reply

[-]

cgiuls1223@reddit

if you pass a toilet, use it.

Reply

[-]

hah424@reddit

Life is like a dick. When it’s hard, fuck it!

Reply

[-]

Horseysauce619@reddit

The best part of you ended up as a crusty stain on the sheets.

Reply

[-]

W0nk0_the_Sane00@reddit

Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

Reply

[-]

Winter-eyed@reddit

My best friend in high school at the time had a crush on a guy who worked a Santa Picture job at the mall. He was dressed up as an elf and she had spent way too much time stalking him. That’s when dad told her “There’s a fine line between an elf and a fairy.” And although it was pretty offensive even then, he was right. The guy was not interested in girls.

Reply

[-]

SuperLowBudge@reddit

Never trust a fart.

Reply

[-]

Horseysauce619@reddit

Shit in one hand, and wish in the other. See what one fills up faster.

Reply

[-]

merrymarigold@reddit

"Don't let the bastards get you down" is one my dad often told us growing up. I was happy to see it used in The Handmaid's Tale.

Reply

[-]

mikeD707@reddit

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Reply

[-]

Shrshot@reddit

“Better to be a smart fella than a fart smella!”

Reply

[-]

W0nk0_the_Sane00@reddit

On the same note, my wife called me a smart ass. I tell her, “That’s better than being a dumb ass.”

Reply

[-]

ksobby@reddit

Rub one out before big decisions. If it passes post nut clarity then it’s probably a good idea.

Reply

[-]

MommaGuy@reddit

Don’t 💩where you eat.

Reply

[-]

lectroid@reddit

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and assumes theirs doesn’t stink. If you meet one asshole during the day, you met an asshole. If *everyone* you met was an asshole, you’re the asshole.

Reply

[-]

W0nk0_the_Sane00@reddit

I heard this one but it ended with, “…and they’re all full of shit.”

Reply

[-]

BryOnRye@reddit

You can only fuck with the cock you’ve got

Reply

[-]

Mattmann1972@reddit

My dad always used to say Engage your brain before you shoot your mouth off.

Reply

[-]

Geezer1045@reddit

Life is nothing but a terminal illness.

Reply

[-]

drew_p_wevos@reddit

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Reply

[-]

W0nk0_the_Sane00@reddit

My uncle advised me “there’s no sex in the champagne room” at least a decade before Chris Rock’s song.

Reply

[-]

SadLocal8314@reddit

My paternal grandfather used to say: Never trust a fart after 40. Anyone who is nasty to the waitress or the cleaning lady cannot be trusted. Woulda, shoulda, coulda will never mash potatoes. If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands.

Reply

[-]

-Mx-Life-@reddit

That'll go over like a fart in a whirlwind.

Reply

[-]

W0nk0_the_Sane00@reddit

My grandfather told my cousin after her 3rd divorce from abusive husband #3, “There are good men out there. So if you keep marrying the assholes, at some point you have to look at the common factor.” Meaning, if you keep picking partners who are abusive, maybe your selection process is flawed.

Reply

[-]

urban_mystic_hippie@reddit

Get as mad as you want to, it’s not going to change a damn thing

Reply

[-]

cleanuponaisleone@reddit

Two of my favorites Put it on before you put it in 90% of the people don’t give a crap about your problems. And the other 10% are glad you have them.

Reply

[-]

EF_Boudreaux@reddit

Don’t trust the fart. Or the sneeze for that matter.

Reply

[-]

Ncfetcho@reddit

Always Chalk your Stick. This is not just pool advice

Reply

[-]

Pedals17@reddit

Shit or get off the pot.

Reply

[-]

Snug9760@reddit

Instead of being told no to wanting something I was told people in hell want ice water.

Reply

[-]

FakenFrugenFrokkels@reddit

Don’t let the door hitchya where nature splitchya!

Reply

[-]

wormee@reddit

I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I make a good spoon.

Reply

[-]

MustangLongbows@reddit

"You went around your own ass just to get to your elbow."

Reply

[-]

Fish242424@reddit

How about,”Don’t fish off the company pier”! Wise advice discouraging workplace relationships.😉

Reply

[-]

kozzy1ted2@reddit

Working construction, it’s adaptable. You gotta be smarter than the wood

Reply

[-]

Htiaf26101@reddit

A wise person I know and love has said “everyone pulls down their pants to shit”. In response to someone acting better than others, or me acting intimidated by someone lol.

Reply

[-]

drahma23@reddit

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time.

Reply

[-]

Moondra3x3-6@reddit

My boss makes a dollar I make a dime... So I take my shit on company time. 😎

Reply

[-]

HammerMeUp@reddit

Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket is my favourite and has been the most useful (it's more fun to say than 'it is what it is') Busier than a two-peckered billy goat at a barnyard gangbang. Nuttier than squirrel shit. Dumber than a bag of axe handles. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart. Garbage in, garbage out. Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse. Well, it's better than a poke in the eye. Q: where is my phone A: did you check your butt (because it always falls in the crack!) Some kindly ones: Make new friends but keep the old, the new are silver the old are gold. This too shall pass (even when your brain's telling you none shall pass lol)

Reply

[-]

Littleleicesterfoxy@reddit

You can do it if you B&Q it

Reply

[-]

eaten_by_the_grue@reddit

Grandpa taught me, "as you go through life two rules shall never bend. Never whittle towards yourself or pe against the wind."

Reply

[-]

distributingthefutur@reddit

The F*ing you get won't be worth the F*ing you'll take.

Reply

[-]

CustomCarNerd@reddit

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things…

Reply

[-]

brickbaterang@reddit

We are here on earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different Kurt Vonnegut

Reply

[-]

ruka_k_wiremu@reddit

An old gf had a family fave argument ender..."There's no prize"

Reply

[-]

ntenufcats@reddit

You can’t put popular on a resume.

Reply

[-]

bingerfang57@reddit

Dumber than a door nail!

Reply

[-]

mramseyISU@reddit

Grandpa like to say half assing it twice won’t add up to a full ass.

Reply

[-]

jd732@reddit

No handcuffs and no heartbeats -college advice from the father of my son’s Freshman roommate.

Reply

[-]

igfootba@reddit

Don't shit where you eat

Reply

[-]

Mitsuman77@reddit

My dad once told me “If it has tits or tires, it’ll cost you money and cause you problems.”

Reply

[-]

Common-Ad4308@reddit

stupidity is a right that no one can take that from you.

Reply

[-]

likewhenyoupee@reddit

Don’t pet burning dogs

Reply

[-]

Nutella_Zamboni@reddit

If you're happy and you know it, go fuck yourself . If everybody's working, everybody's happy.

Reply

[-]

Dark_Web_Duck@reddit

Yes. Believe half of what you see and move off what you hear. Even your average GenX Redditor needs to apply this.

Reply

[-]

Island_Timz@reddit

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff

Reply

[-]

MuchAd3273@reddit

I have adopted Marcus Aurelius' stoic attitude in general but especially with millennials and my Gen Z children. “If someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, I shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone: the harm is to persist in one's own self-deception and ignorance.” ― Marcus Aurelius https://preview.redd.it/5zo4j4aw15tf1.jpeg?width=850&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9584bcf5ad2f87b113747cc81eccf02ebf98066b

Reply

[-]

tralfaz66@reddit

My dad used to say Don’t hesitate to lie to your employer case they won’t hesitate to lie to you. I’ve found this true , but add the caveat don’t leave a paper trail

Reply

[-]

egret_society@reddit

If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family

Reply

[-]

seigezunt@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/qv21ixgm15tf1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6fc1ada753c641bb916be97ffa2fcf7dd15a2816 lol

Reply

[-]

a_gentle_savage@reddit

I'm not suffering from insanity. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Reply

[-]

databuddha@reddit

From my Dad, if someone is trying to be “helpful”: This is my cat, I’m fucking it, you just hold the legs.

Reply

[-]

jollytoes@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Reply

[-]

ogbellaluna@reddit

‘that person is useful as tits on a bull’ - this one struck me so much that i started referring to useless people as ‘tits on a bull’ 😂😂

Reply

[-]

Cent1234@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

wraithnix@reddit

Heh, I first heard that in AA. Good advice :-)

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

Thats where I heard it 🤣

Reply

[-]

Ok_Signature_3191@reddit

Advice from an older friend when I told him I was going to ask my girlfriend to marry me: “Don’t shit in your sandbox”

Reply

[-]

watercolorfiddle@reddit

A fartin' mule never tires.

Reply

[-]

OhNoWhatNext@reddit

My dad said this a lot. Ah, fond memories

Reply

[-]

Staff_photo@reddit

What?! 😆

Reply

[-]

Positive_Chip6198@reddit

I too need an explanation, love how it sounds though.

Reply

[-]

LastConference@reddit

I think it's getting plenty of fuel

Reply

[-]

watercolorfiddle@reddit

You know, like you're plowing behind a mule and it's farting and you're walking into the farts. Maybe you want to take a break but the mule never gets tired!

Reply

[-]

Positive_Chip6198@reddit

Hah, i thought it was about stubborn people who keep spewing bs. But this is better.

Reply

[-]

AccomplishedPapaya1@reddit

Shit or get off the pot.

Reply

[-]

Sweaty-Seat-8878@reddit

don’t dip your d—k in crazy.

Reply

[-]

TacoTico1994@reddit

Sucks to suck

Reply

[-]

krack1925@reddit

Don't argue with an idiot... They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Reply

[-]

ChrisFullerton1974@reddit

Don’t shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

AncientClumps@reddit

Don’t go to fucking law school.

Reply

[-]

Wild-Donkey@reddit

I wouldn’t piss on them if they where on fire

Reply

[-]

Lumpy-Artist-6996@reddit

"Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which ones fills up faster." Miss you Dad!

Reply

[-]

HibernatingSerpent@reddit

"No one ever died from pain." --my high school wrestling coach

Reply

[-]

KurtStation68@reddit

No glove, no love

Reply

[-]

Smc_farrell@reddit

An old guy once told me when i was 18, "A hard dick will take you places you wouldn't go with a loaded shotgun."

Reply

[-]

Temporary_Second3290@reddit

Never trust a fart.

Reply

[-]

Skatchbro@reddit

It’s hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Reply

[-]

billtheplumbingguy@reddit

There's no sense being stupid unless you're going to show it.

Reply

[-]

glendon24@reddit

Never stock your dick in crazy. Correlary: Crazy fucks better.

Reply

[-]

nestorb30@reddit

Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

DocHenry66@reddit

Don’t eat yellow snow

Reply

[-]

phinz@reddit

My father once told me, “It takes hundred ‘atta-boys’ to make up for one ‘aw shit.,”

Reply

[-]

drumorgan@reddit

Gas, Grass, or Ass - nobody rides for free (There’s no such thing as a free lunch) alternative

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Gas, grass, ass, or cash!

Reply

[-]

lrbikeworks@reddit

Fill your gas tank in the way home. Not on your way in the morning.

Reply

[-]

WhatTheHellPod@reddit

Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which ones fills up first. Thanks Pop!

Reply

[-]

Goobersrocketcontest@reddit

To the opposition: “Fuck ‘em and feed ‘em fish heads”

Reply

[-]

Empty5th@reddit

There’s no such thing as free 🐈

Reply

[-]

more-kindness-please@reddit

Heard it as not such thing as a free lunch. Now as approach retirement age I get mail offering free meal at steak house if I hear a sales pitch - my time is worth more and they know it

Reply

[-]

GreyGhost878@reddit

He'd fxxk a brush pile if he thought there was a snake in it.

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Our localized version: he'd feck a rock if he thought there was a snake under it

Reply

[-]

LostBetsRed@reddit

"When it comes to compliments, women are like ravenous bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return." --H. Simpson Sage advice, that. I can't tell you how many women I've gotten to mow my lawn using that advice. Of course, that classic line from 1992 probably wouldn't play well in modern times.

Reply

[-]

SirGrumpasaurus@reddit

Words I’ve always lived by: “If you don’t wanna go to Boston, don’t get on the train” Take responsibility for your own actions. Know where you’re going and if it isn’t a life destination you want, make a change.

Reply

[-]

MusicalMerlin1973@reddit

You can piss in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills first.

Reply

[-]

seigezunt@reddit

Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.

Reply

[-]

archedhighbrow@reddit

I'm going to beat you until blood runs down your legs. - My step-grandmother

Reply

[-]

victor_veritas@reddit

No one wins if you fart in front of a rotating fan.

Reply

[-]

DramaIcy611@reddit

Well if it’s gonna be that kinda party ima stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

Reply

[-]

wyocrz@reddit

If you go down on her, don't come up until your face looks like a glazed donut.

Reply

[-]

ChartreuseWyvern@reddit

Wise words from a cunning linguist (the phrase originator, not necessarily you lol)

Reply

[-]

jazzlike-sounds@reddit

Start like a butterfly alighting upon a flower, finish like a bulldog eating a bowl of oatmeal.

Reply

[-]

wyocrz@reddit

Never railroad the clitoris!

Reply

[-]

Olderbutnotdead619@reddit

Can I get this, saying, on a shirt please?

Reply

[-]

notedithwharton@reddit

Always bring your bathing suit & birth control— two things that are better to have & not need, than need & not have.

Reply

[-]

Creepy_Dependent_239@reddit

In the military had multiple NCO's always tell us in training for becoming an engineer " A clean hole is a safe hole." Hopefully, you know what type of hole they are referring to. *

Reply

[-]

CharleyLH@reddit

When it comes to guys, there are two types of liars in this world, those who say they never jack off, and those who say they’ve quit.

Reply

[-]

Damien__@reddit

Never trust a fart after 40.

Reply

[-]

chone33@reddit

My pop use to say “Playing tiddlywinks with manhole covers.” When I asked him what he was doing.

Reply

[-]

Tutux4@reddit

Momento mori…remember you must die. We all have to one day. It helps me not give as many fucks. Especially now that I’m 53; female.

Reply

[-]

hidinginplainsite13@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/6d564c0nx4tf1.jpeg?width=779&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=091f61d024ecb2d6dd78992ef305d47431ac148e

Reply

[-]

cbillings92@reddit

If you have an issue, let me get you a tissue

Reply

[-]

JettaRider077@reddit

When intellect fails strength prevails.

Reply

[-]

No_County_old@reddit

No matter how good looking, someone somewhere is sick of their shit.

Reply

[-]

Ok-Cup6020@reddit

Don’t piss into the wind

Reply

[-]

NegScenePts@reddit

Don't shit where you eat.

Reply

[-]

Old_Philosopher4665@reddit

Never tug on Superman's cape and never piss against the wind. And my dad's favourite: It's a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and right now, you are straddling it hard.

Reply

[-]

Aromatic_Box_2513@reddit

You know it's from a song, right? [https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jimcroce/youdontmessaroundwithjim.html](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jimcroce/youdontmessaroundwithjim.html)

Reply

[-]

Old_Philosopher4665@reddit

Yep, but I think it was an expression before the song.

Reply

[-]

Timely-Computer4105@reddit

Three rules to live by (from Teen Wolf): 1) Never get less than 12hrs of sleep 2) Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city 3) Never go near a lady who has a tattoo of a dagger anywhere on her body

Reply

[-]

bike619@reddit

Show me a ten, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fuckin’ her.

Reply

[-]

jvlpdillon@reddit

You don't tug on Superman's cape You don't spit into the wind You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger And you don't mess around with Jim

Reply

[-]

OrbAndSceptre@reddit

Don’t get your dick wet unless you’re ready to support a kid.

Reply

[-]

HoffTheLibrarian@reddit

True friends will tell you there’s a booger in your nose.

Reply

[-]

Practical-Owl-9358@reddit

Some people will happily eat a sh*t sandwich just to make you smell their breath.

Reply

[-]

krush_groove@reddit

Shit or get off the pot You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first The Gen Z people I work with love me.

Reply

[-]

unoeyedwillie@reddit

“Shit or get off the pot!”

Reply

[-]

SkarTisu@reddit

Don’t let your meat loaf

Reply

[-]

Jwheat71@reddit

I read this on a sign that hung about the table saws in shop class in 7th grade, "Ignorance can be fixed, stupid is forever." I learned this one from a native Texan when I was stationed there, "You can always tell a Texan, you just can't tell him much!"

Reply

[-]

jvlpdillon@reddit

"Try everything once except incest and folk dancing" - Thomas Beecham

Reply

[-]

Recklusive@reddit

Never waste a hard on.

Reply

[-]

Purple-Concept-2709@reddit

Never trust a fart.

Reply

[-]

Bruppet@reddit

Similarly - never go to bed with full balls 😆

Reply

[-]

zwiazekrowerzystow@reddit

that's good advice for us old guys

Reply

[-]

lilmsjackalope16@reddit (OP)

I'll have to remember that!

Reply

[-]

Rikkitikkitabby@reddit

The Butthole Surfers' advice, it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.

Reply

[-]

UneducatedDonkey@reddit

Procrastination is like masturbation. It may be fun, but you're only fucking yourself.

Reply

[-]

amorok41101@reddit

After a night of drinking with friends everyone started using “you can’t unf&@k a goat” in conversation. Came from the old joke “if you build a bridge they don’t call you bob the bridge-builder, and if you save a life they don’t call you bob the life-saver. But you f&@k one goat and you’re goat-f$&ker bob forever. AND YOU CANT UNF&@K A GOAT.” Meaning once you don’t something dumb or messed up enough, you can’t change that.

Reply

[-]

eyeballtourist@reddit

If you think you're surrounded by assholes. You're being a shit. (Original)

Reply

[-]

johnonymous1973@reddit

Prior proper planning prevents piss-poor performance

Reply

[-]

jodiejewel@reddit

My dad used to say “you can die on your feet or you can die on your knees” as a pep talk before any stressful situation I was in, like a job interview. It was a bit extreme but he was in the marines. I always took it to mean you have some control over how you behave in any situation no matter how crappy.

Reply

[-]

quarkjet@reddit

You can wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

Reply

[-]

Top-Order-2878@reddit

Don't sick it in the crazy. Never piss into the wind Never piss uphill. There are no dumb questions, but there sure are a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

Reply

[-]

Positive_Chip6198@reddit

From my 6th grade school camp trip, i’d like to add “never piss on an electric fence”, paul learned that lesson the hard way. In his defence it was dark.

Reply

[-]

PomegranateReal3620@reddit

The Ren and Stimpy game was hilarious.

Reply

[-]

Top-Order-2878@reddit

I knew there was another one but my old brain wasn't coming up with it.

Reply

[-]

GrolarBear69@reddit

Passed father to son three generations. Women should deliver whether Doctor, Dula or Midwife. Make sure you wife gets plenty of sleep and fed extremely well after, whatever it takes. After giving birth, add two weeks to the doctors instructions on physical relations.

Reply

[-]

HonestReindeer@reddit

when skeptical that my efforts will result in a successful outcome: "you'd have better luck picking up a turd by the clean end."

Reply

[-]

New-Marionberry-6422@reddit

Saying any of these gems to my 13 year old niece and nephew and they are like 😳

Reply

[-]

SyntaxWhiplash@reddit

I came up with one last week. "The older I get the more I realize that there's no such thing as a bad day - - - just misguided expectations."

Reply

[-]

VardisFisher@reddit

If someone touches me at my age it means 1 of 2 things are going to happen, and they both start with F. If you didn’t guess. We’re either fightin or fuckin.

Reply

[-]

noneyanoseybidness@reddit

“You are unique! Just like everybody else”. 😝😝😝

Reply

[-]

bobbierobbie76@reddit

Don’t fry bacon naked.

Reply

[-]

bornincali65@reddit

“Everything that looks to you ain’t good for you.”

Reply

[-]

Relative_Ad9477@reddit

You made your bed, now lay in it.

Reply

[-]

sparky853@reddit

Don't stick your finger anywhere you wouldn't stick your dick! Also, you cut off your fingers in wood shop you'll fail typing.

Reply

[-]

PomegranateReal3620@reddit

My mom's favorite anytime we complained... Mama Bear says the porridge is too hot. Papa Bear says the porridge is too cold. Baby bear comes tripping down the stairs and says bitch, bitch, bitch.

Reply

[-]

stalagit68@reddit

"Everyone's anal to some point. You're either anal retentive, or anal explosive. Choose wisely." I said that to my boss one day when she was complaining about her husband not allowing her to redecorate / remodel their store that I was working in.

Reply

[-]

phizappa@reddit

Life’s a bitch….

Reply

[-]

Pleasant-Baby5729@reddit

"If you're up to your eyeballs in shit, don't open your mouth."

Reply

[-]

olyfrijole@reddit

You ain't shit until you get your turds in a herd/poop in a group.

Reply

[-]

obijuan76@reddit

Like grandpa used to say when you get yourself involved in some messy drama or situation, "If you play with shit, you'll get it on your hands."

Reply

[-]

kris4956@reddit

My dad: son, there are no ugly women. It's just that some women are less fortunate than others. I don't know why, but that one has always stayed with me.

Reply

[-]

DanielDannyc12@reddit

“Whatever”

Reply

[-]

Pinkbeans1@reddit

I don’t worry about my kids jumping off a cliff cause their friends said to. My kids are the ones saying: Let’s jump. It’ll be fun!

Reply

[-]

SavageRabbitX@reddit

Don't put your dick in crazy

Reply

[-]

Kindsquirrel629@reddit

So you’re moving to _____, that’s going to increase the average IQ in both states.

Reply

[-]

ExcelsiorUnltd@reddit

Regarding hooking up with coworkers my old Pop had some wisdom: “Never get your meat where you make your bread.”

Reply

[-]

Stare_Decisis@reddit

Don't put your dick in crazy!

Reply

[-]

Mercuryshottoo@reddit

Best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new

Reply

[-]

auntiecoagulent@reddit

"Pray in one hand and shit in in the other. See which fills up 1st." Courtesy of my father, the self-proclaimed poet laureate

Reply

[-]

madbamajama1@reddit

The key to marital bliss is being able to tolerate each other's bullshit.

Reply

[-]

Mraverageineveryway@reddit

If someone talks shit about others in front of you they’ll talk shit about you in front of others

Reply

[-]

FluidConcern7276@reddit

- Work hard and be respectful - 15 minutes early is ontime

Reply

[-]

Aromatic_Box_2513@reddit

Life is a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you eat.

Reply

[-]

kerill333@reddit

Don't stick your dick in crazy. If your partner doesn't treat you kindly and fairly, and wants to change you, they don't love you.

Reply

[-]

Straight-Tune-5894@reddit

Free means someone else is paying for it.

Reply

[-]

Godel_Theorem@reddit

Wear sunscreen.

Reply

[-]

FilletOFishForMyVife@reddit

“Many a good tune played on an old fiddle”.

Reply

[-]

PinkRoseBouquet@reddit

Living well is the best revenge.

Reply

[-]

less-than-James@reddit

Life is like an Anole. Sometimes it's green, sometimes it's brown, but it's always a small carribean lizard.

Reply

[-]

The_Dude_2U@reddit

Hope in one hand, $hit in the other. See which fills first.

Reply

[-]

False_Donkey_498@reddit

Crude but wise? Here it is: Shut the fuck up.

Reply

[-]

Left-Escape@reddit

My Mom used to say “You gotta learn to pick shit with the chickens if you ever want to rule the roost.”

Reply

[-]

itwillmakesenselater@reddit

Learn from others' mistakes. You'll never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Reply

[-]

D_for_Drive@reddit

Shit, or get off the pot.

Reply

[-]

No-Jump-9601@reddit

Best advice I was ever given "Don’t shit on your own doorstep!" So many people think they can do whatever they want in a small community, no matter how careful they are, they always get caught.

Reply

[-]

D_for_Drive@reddit

It’s only a crime if you get caught.

Reply

[-]

fraghead5@reddit

You know what they say about opinions, they’re like assholes, and you’re a real big opinion.

Reply

[-]

keiths31@reddit

Better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass...

Reply

[-]

OtakuTacos@reddit

Let’s go get sushi…and not pay.

Reply

[-]

fraghead5@reddit

Man who goes to sleep with an itchy ass wakes up with a smelly finger.

Reply

[-]

Olderbutnotdead619@reddit

Not crude, but, "when in doubt, don't "

Reply

[-]

Plastic_Window9865@reddit

Never waste a hard on and never trust a fart

Reply

[-]

MooseBlazer@reddit

I don’t think I can post them here.

Reply

[-]

Throttlechopper@reddit

A former division officer of mine used to say, “The stupid shall be punished.”

Reply

[-]

8rustystaples@reddit

Don’t sweat the petty things; pet the sweaty things.

Reply

[-]

Fartina69@reddit

Fuck off.

Reply

[-]

Shrshot@reddit

“Tough titty said the kitty when the milk ran dry”, or “tough toenails you grew em you chew em”

Reply

[-]

Aggressive-Compote64@reddit

Don't be a dick.

Reply

[-]

yarn_slinger@reddit

No glove, no love.

Reply

[-]

Hot-Butterfly-8024@reddit

God hates a coward, so get caught trying.

Reply

[-]

MadPiglet42@reddit

My parents always told me "don't bring home anything you have to feed or cure." Pretty decent advice, all things considered. 🤔

Reply

[-]

Low_Entertainer_6973@reddit

I couldn’t understand what you said with my balls in your mouth.

Reply

[-]

Low_Entertainer_6973@reddit

That’s like kissing your sister!

Reply

[-]

rogue_rose_ranger@reddit

When you are old, you have the face and the friends you deserve

Reply

[-]

1Pip1Der@reddit

It's better to be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass

Reply

[-]

Smokeshow-Joe@reddit

Life is tough - tougher if you are stupid

Reply

[-]

14m4m34tp0p51c13@reddit

I'm a little proud of this one that I made up on the spot for my kids years ago: "I'm paying you back for all the rotten shit my parents did to me!" I used that whenever they asked why I wouldn't let them do something or go somewhere. Have you ever seen cognitive dissonance on a kids face? Lol!

Reply

[-]