Please can I hear from older parents?

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beseeingyou18@reddit

People talk about "older parents" as if they're totally geriatric.

An average, healthy 50 year old can have a kickabout with their 10 year old child, no problem. It doesn't take that much effort. But yes, you will have less energy than you did when you were 25.

However, you should have a great deal more wisdom and patience, and possibly more money at that stage of your life. These things are a trade-off.

Personally, I would say you have until 45 to make that decision. After 45 years old, the rate of possible birth defects goes up a lot, moreso if the mother is 45 (which is not the case here).

The main question you have to ask is: what will I regret more, having a child or never having one? Also, I feel I should add that it's okay just to have one child if you want. You aren't obliged to have any more than one (or any at all!).

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thpkht524@reddit

Your whole comment just screams ignorance lol. I don’t think you should be giving any advice here.

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beseeingyou18@reddit

Please enlighten me.

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thpkht524@reddit

You’re going to struggle getting pregnant at that age to begin with. The risks of complications also increase drastically with age. Then there’s the whole year of basically 0 sleep which is much more manageable as a 30 years old vs a 50 years old.

The fact that you didn’t acknowledge any of these drawbacks, which imo far far outweigh whatever bs you said, is just crazy to me.

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discoveredunknown@reddit

There are people in here talking about being 30 as if they are 70 or something, see that on Reddit in general about people complaining about ‘back and tiredness’ in their 30s. I am 30 and feel the fittest I’ve ever been. Exercise regularly, stretch, drink water, don’t eat shit.

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beseeingyou18@reddit

Yeah, this is what I mean. If you struggle with picking up a toddler at 40, that's a general fitness issue, not an age issue.

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humptydumpty12729@reddit

Yep, I'm in my mid 30s. Never been this free of pain physically at least (and I know this is a privilege, there are all sorts of health problems) but I put this down to my power lifting and regular strength training.

Used to get quite bad back pain. It's non existent now.

I think for many people (who would otherwise be fairly able) they could do masses for their wellbeing by doing some strength training.

You don't need to be a jacked powerlifter in the gym, but anyone who is able should be doing strength training weekly I think. Just an hour a week can make a big difference.

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Civil-Koala-8899@reddit

Same here, feel better at 30 than I did at 21.

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quellflynn@reddit

and 95% of people don't exercise regularly, stretch, drink enough water or eat shit all the time...

so they feel like shit.

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silverblossum@reddit

Seems really odd to focus on kicking a ball with your 10 year old. People in their 40's are going to struggle far more with pregnancy, recovery, sleepless nights and lifting a toddler constantly.

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Bernice1979@reddit

100%. I‘m 41 with a 2 year old and a full-time senior job. I would tell everyone to have kids earlier. Wasn’t a choice for me but I would have liked to do it much younger. That being said, I can run with 30-year-women at Parkrun etc and keep up with my toddler and I’m overweight. I just feel it would be easier if I was 10 years younger.

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EducationalZombie538@reddit

As if a senior job is harder. Grinding is a thing.

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Bernice1979@reddit

Funny you picked up on that element only, it was simply to describe my lifestyle. But that job didn’t come out of nowhere and it’s funny that you think that.

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winebookscats@reddit

I was 38 when I had my first and just shy of 40 when I had my second. Not going to lie, having 2 kids 17 months apart would be hard on most people but possibly worse because I was older. But we're both healthy, fit and active parents and (17 years later) still don't regret how it all worked out 😀

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cityfrm@reddit

I had a child in my twenties and could've said the same, it always feels hard. Many who've done both also say it's been easier at the older age, from the experience and perspective of both. A lot is down to your specific circumstances and child.

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Strife274@reddit

He is talking about this from a father’s perspective because let’s face it, it’s the mother who does the majority of the work when it comes to kids anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

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cityfrm@reddit

Lifting is really important for women in the 40s and till the end of their lives, due to perimenopause and menopause and the catastrophic impact on bone density. Those who birth later as more likely to live longer and healthier lives. Significantly so.

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Secure_Reflection409@reddit

It ain't the kick about that's the problem. It's the sleepless nights!

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

Heavy on the first sentence, my dad is 65 and fat and plays football with my dogs? He’s fine?

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

my dad is 65 and fat and plays football with my dogs? He's fine?

Aye, but he isn't undergoing the crippling bodily changes of pregnancy and birth. You can't really compare the two 🥴

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

The second paragraph is about having a kick around with your kid? That’s what I’m responding to? Obviously a 65 year old isn’t getting pregnant?

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Boatjumble@reddit

You will never be 100% ready because you never know what you're going to get but if you truly want to have children and start a family you can be 100% certain that you won't ever regret bringing them into your life if you love and care for them.

One thing I will add, is that you should have your shit together, emotionally and financially, or at least starting to.

Having money definitely makes things easier and creates choice and opportunity.

Work on yourself. You will pass on any unresolved trauma, whether you intend to or not, and they will show you everything about yourself that you love and despise. We are their carers, they are our teachers.

Make sure your baggage is not theirs to carry.

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James188@reddit

I’m in that ballpark age range, with a young toddler.

I’d have found it easier at 25, but honestly it’s alright from that side.

The question I find myself pondering a lot though, is how much time I’ll potentially have with my grandchildren and what state I’ll be in by the time it comes around, if it does.

I’ll be over 70 by the time the boy is my age. Will I see him get married? Will I be around for all of his big life events? Who knows. Will I be well enough to help look after his kids?

Kids are brilliant. I don’t regret waiting so long because any sooner and I wouldn’t have had this specific kid with his exact makeup; but the idea of having an extra 10 years with him would’ve been pretty appealing in hindsight.

Just another angle for you to consider. Sorry it’s got a morbid edge to it.

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amore_pomfritte@reddit

You're never ready, then you're ready. Don't hang about, time flies.

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Agreeable-Foot-4272@reddit

High paternal age is linked with neurodevelopmental disorders in children.

So you really need to a yourself if that's something you can cope with. I work with kids, some parents really struggle and it's so sad to see.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5299396/

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mattyyellow@reddit

Surely the more important question is is this something you want your children to have to cope with?

That's my issue with this entire thread and responses, it is all about the parents and how they will be impacted and almost zero thought given to the children.

So, so many people having kids who really shouldn't. If you have serious doubts, then don't have kids, it is that simple.

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Agreeable-Foot-4272@reddit

It's quite obviously implied in my comment. If the parents can't cope, then the children will have a lower quality of life.

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mattyyellow@reddit

So you really need to ask yourself if that's something you can cope with

Surely the more important question is is this something you want your children to have to cope with?

That's my issue with this entire thread and responses, it is all about the parents and how they will be impacted and almost zero thought given to the children.

So, so many people having kids who really shouldn't. If you have serious doubts, then don't have kids, it is that simple.

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LocalObelix@reddit

As a widowed mid 40s parent of two kids under 10 and one of whom is neurodivergent these are factors that have to be taken into consideration.

A neurodivergent kid is a lot of work.

Also think about how long you expect to Live and think about what age your kids will be at that point.

Even before my partner got ill and passed away I really regretted having kids so late (mid 30s) and wished I’d done it much earlier.

You don’t know how long you will stay healthy and although people can Get ill when they’re young statistically the older you get the more likely it will happen.

My advice would be if you want kids to have them while you’re young (ish).

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Agreeable-Foot-4272@reddit

It's so tough and I think there's stigma around complaining about how tough it is.

Neurodivergence can make school incredibly tricky, so you're always worried about their emotional wellbeing and the outcome of their learning. There can also be constant meetings with teachers, suspensions, meaning you need time off work.

Also I've noticed how some neurodivergent kids just can't go to bed properly even when they're way into primary school age. So parents have to sit up with them until they're asleep, or get constantly woken up by them.

All things you have to consider...

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LocalObelix@reddit

Yeah it’s really tough but we’re really lucky and have had loads of support.

The nuerodivergance basically takes over your whole life ime and we have a high functioning kid who masks really well but lets it all out at home.

People really underestimate how all encompassing it is bringing up a child and that’s before Adding in any type of special need, it can be brutal.

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Otters_noses_anyone@reddit

We had a “whoops” baby when I was 50. It’s HARD. But I’m comparing it to having had kids in my 30s as well. I’m just tired all the time. A 10yo at 60 is really hard in comparison.

But it’s still worth it.

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Current_Map5998@reddit

I was pregnant at 30 and it was fine but I remembering thinking and being told I was young and I don’t feel young now at 43. My son was autistic and I had another son 18 mths later and, ime the baby stage was fine because I was prepped for sleepless nights. It’s the stuff that comes after that’s still tiring. The toddler years, the physical intensity of children who want to play with you for hours, activities and trying to make things happen for your child. It’s not just a baby, it’s 18 years of pretty intense parenting and maybe added obstacles you don’t foresee. That sounds Debbie Downer but don’t wait for the right time, cos there isn’t one. Something will give but it’ll be worth it.

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MaxwellXV@reddit

40 year old with a 2.5 year old here. Maybe not as old as you’re hoping to hear from but nothing prepares you for it. You won’t be ready until you’re in it. As long as you have energy, a sense of humour and want to get stuck in with every aspect you’ll be fine.

Take a look at r/daddit as well.

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TheClnl@reddit

I'm 45, my son is 5. I'm in a much better place to be a good father financially & emotionally then I was when I was younger.

Yes its harder physically and I do worry about being in my 50's when (if) he wants to play football for hours or potentially dying a lot earlier in his life but that fear has pushed me to look after my fitness and health more and if he ends up having kids early hopefully I'll be retired and in a position to help out with childcare.

I don't think you'll find anyone here saying having kids late was a bad thing because the cliche about them being the best thing you'll ever do is true.

From a purely biological point of view you also have the benefit of your wife being younger so the worry we had with my wife (who's a few years younger than me) around increased chances of disabilities aren't really a factor yet.

What I will say though is that if you wait until the time is perfect then you'll be waiting forever.

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Isgortio@reddit

I'm so glad to hear you're actually interested in playing with your son even if it's tiring for you. My parents were 34 and 36 when they had me (I'm the youngest) and I can't remember them ever playing with me, I just remember them asleep on the sofa all the time. Whenever I'd ask to do something with them they'd complain they were too tired :(

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Wellidrivea190e@reddit

I’m 38 with a 2.5 year old and 6 month old. I love them to bits, my absolute world. But I am cooked, it ain’t easy! And it’s more so due to my age. I would say you are going to feel those sleepiness nights, and there will be many of them. Do it now I say.

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loranlily@reddit

Honestly I think it very much depends on you and the child. I’m 38, I had my first baby 6 months ago and I’ve been fine. I had an unplanned Caesarian but I feel healthier/better than I have in years.

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Cantmakeupnewname@reddit

I think it’s fine saying that when there’s only one kiddo and the kiddo is still very young. I’ve got two preteens here and we are in the stroppy stage with the eldest and it would be easier to sit here slamming my head against a brick wall.

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loranlily@reddit

Well I’ve been a secondary school teacher for 15 years, so I’m used to 33 stroppy teens or pre-teens at once.

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Cantmakeupnewname@reddit

24 hrs a day 7 days a week though. Parenting was easy to me when I had one 6 month old too. Granted I’m not a teacher and neither is the other half, but it does feel like the challenges in parenting 2 kids 24/7 is constantly stressful. The stress doesn’t lessen it just changes. Our eldest was a great baby, slept and fed like a dream. She’s the grumpy one who refuses food and refuses to sleep at the moment. Our youngest as a baby was the polar opposite, wouldn’t sleep and yet now she’s the quieter of the two who loves an early night. For me parenting 2 kids close in age has been the toughest job I’ve ever had. Having said all that I wouldn’t be without them.

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Gloomy_Mushroom_1715@reddit

Its different for men imo. My female friends who have had babies later in life seem to adapt fine, male counterparts not so much

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PralineMinimum8111@reddit

Yeah I was 30 and even then when the sleepless nights came I remember thinking ‘I should have done this when I was 20’.

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pavlovs_pavlova@reddit

My MIL had my husband and 29 and his sister at 40. She's always given me the advice "go younger".

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Secure_Reflection409@reddit

I did it when I was 20, too.

It's 100x harder 20 years later!

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Enough-Ad3818@reddit

I (41) got smoked in my son's (8yo) Sports Day Dad's race. Some of those guys must have had kids whilst they were in High School. A couple looked like they could still pass for High School age. There's no way they were a comparable age to me. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it!

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Acubeofdurp@reddit

Id probably win if I got the chance all the mum's look like potatoes and the dads look like haggard alcoholics with multiple degenerative diseases.

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mo_tag@reddit

I'm surprised they never gave you the chance, you sound lovely

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bigarsebiscuit@reddit

Yeah, my back has aged a couple decades in the last 19 months and I was only 30 when the bundle arrived.

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ImPopeyePartridge@reddit

I'm 46, and we had kids relatively young (they're now 19 and 17) in comparison to many of my peers, and given the chance again, I would wait. At the time I didn't want to be an "old dad" when my kids were growing up. However being older means usually being more financially secure and that usually leads to much less stress around money. We still have those stresses even now (wife never really returned to work and has been ill etc), and in reality will not be until both have left uni and got jobs.

Also, since your wife is young in comparison, health-wise, babies should be good.

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Nice_Back_9977@reddit

Are you sure you really want kids? A lot of people just never question that they will have them because that's what people do, but if you aren't ready by 40 are you 100% sure its really the future you want?

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

I really want kids, we both do, and would hate to miss out on the opportunity but just wish we had more time (were younger 🤣) to do things before the commitment, if that makes any sense.

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Isgortio@reddit

Mate, you're 40. You've had your entire life to do far to do things before the commitment. If that's still not long enough, then it's not for you.

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ch536@reddit

You don't sound ready. You've had 22 adult years to yourself to do things. Don't bring a child into the world if you still want to do other things. The other things will be put on hold or significantly reduced until the child reaches earliest school age. You are used to having all the time to yourself, as soon as the baby is born you will have maybe an hour or two a day to yourselves unless you have a family/paid support system around you

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LaSalsiccione@reddit

Nonsense. Loads of people never feel truly ready but then go on to love being a parent. Different people are wired differently

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idontlikemondays321@reddit

He might mean for them to do things together as a couple. Most people want a few years as a couple first

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ch536@reddit

Fair enough if that's the case!

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natblidaaa@reddit

Bit harsh mate. People are still allowed to want to do other things, AND have kids, as most parents do lol

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ch536@reddit

Yeah I want to do other things too but I can't right now because my kids need so much of me all the time. It eased off when my daughter reached school age but I also have a 2yo son

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BrieflyVerbose@reddit

Sorry but from my point of view you're running out of time now. If this is what you want then don't leave it too long.

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ReallyIntriguing@reddit

I dont think kids are an opportunity the way you're framing it?

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solnyshka@reddit

Why are you trying to convince this man not to have kids lmao

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Bitter-Association65@reddit

Older dads have higher instances of having kids with autism. There may be no ball kicking involved.

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KentuckyCandy@reddit

I'm in London. Our antenatal class of 20, the youngest person was 32, the oldest 42. Most were 35-36. It's normal here.

My partner and I were both 38 for our first. Another on the way soon. It's absolutely fine. Probably lacking energy of 10 years ago, but make up for it with wisdom and financial security.

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middleoflidl@reddit

I think it's swings and roundabouts. I had my son at twenty. He consumed all of my twenties and my career. Sure, he'll be independent when I'm 48, but by then I won't have the energy to do anything with my sudden independence.

I think the sweetspot is thirties, just because fertility goes down around there and some people get unlucky that way and end up shelling out for IVF, but the way the housing market is and cost of living, people are naturally going to have to keep pushing it later to ensure they're financially secure.

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KentuckyCandy@reddit

100%. Not that I took full advantage of my 20's, but you're sacrificing sleep, free time and money for a period of your life if you have kids. I think I'd have definitely struggled more back then than I would now.

I think when they're a bit more grown-up, teenagers, it'd be nice to be a bit younger., but it is what it is. As you say, swings and roundabouts whichever way you do it.

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MGSC_1726@reddit

The way I’ve always looked at it, is that I knew no different. I had my first when I was 21 and second at 23. Practically my whole adulthood (I’m 32 now) has been being a parent. I never felt like I was sacrificing anything because i didn’t live a life I felt sad to leave. I built my life with my kids. But if I had of waited until I was older, built a career up and lived those years with freedom, I would then feel like having a child would be making a sacrifice. Just another way of looking at it.

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KentuckyCandy@reddit

Well, exactly. I don't think one of is necessarily better than the other. Pros and cons for both, and individual circumstances and preferences play a part.

The main downside of waiting is it becomes more difficult to get pregnant and potentially more dangerous, so can be a gamble.

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LaSalsiccione@reddit

This was my experience too but I wondered if it’s more because the younger parents are less inclined to lay for an antenatal class

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KentuckyCandy@reddit

Yeah, maybe plays a part. They weren't wildly expensive, but if finances are tight you'd take the free NHS classes or wing it from online videos.

To be honest, it's just a way to put in a room with 9 other couples who are having a baby and saying "these are your friends for the next 9-12 months. Off you go".

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Grouchy-Cream-5251@reddit

I'm 51 and you never feel ready. Just do it and don't look back.

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Most_Bed_8633@reddit

Hey myself and my husband were 35 when we had our eldest (he does also have a now 21 year old) and 37 when we had our youngest, one thing we hadn’t considered but has since become apparent is life expectancy. So far none of my maternal family (mum, aunts, uncles) have lived to draw a pension. My first uncle died november 2020 of a heart attack at the age of 63, my second uncle died August 2023 aged 55 of a AAA, my first aunt died January 2024 of pulmonary hypertension she was 64, my mum died October 2024 of sepsis brought on by pneumonia (she’d previously suffered a SAH in March 2022) she was a month shy of 65, my second aunt died in June of cancer (only diagnosed February) she was 63. It’s quite alarming that they’ve all died very suddenly bar our first aunt, we now have two aunts left and both are understandably worried about turning 63/64, and it does make me wonder what age I will die.

My dad was an older dad though, he was 44 when I was born and had a further 4 children with my mum with him being 50 when my youngest sibling was born, dad lived to be 83, and we often joked that having us later in life kept him young. I think that as long as you’re fit and healthy, go for it.

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sodapopandritalin1@reddit

My mom had her first child at 35, my dad was 47. I’m the youngest of 3 at 24. I had a happy childhood - their ages didn’t cause any issue at all. My dad is a bit of an oddball but would have been at any age, he’s retired now and enjoys his hobbies. My mom works from home and spends every weekend hiking and/or camping. They’re both good parents and we love them :)

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Watsonmolly@reddit

There’s a dad in my kids class (they’re 6) who is about to turn 50. I was really shocked when I found out. He’s got a lot of energy and he wears very cool clothes. Nobody cares at all.

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addicted-2-cameltoe@reddit

Dont do it.............................

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Rough_Eye9920@reddit

Maybe another perspective can help

i’m almost 20 and my dad is 58, so he was around your age when i was born

i never felt like my dad wasn’t able to look after me and my siblings, in fact i admired how hard he worked, to me he’s still my hero
me and my dad have almost a 40 year age difference and it had no significance on my upbringing whatsoever (maybe other than the fact he couldn’t play with me coz he was tired but that’s minor)
hope this helps

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_Apathy_On_Toast@reddit

I'm 40. I have a 6 year old. Me and my wife are exhausted. We both work full time. She works 7-3 Mon - fri. I work 9-5 which includes some weekends. Our daughter goes to some sort of sport or kids activity club every day after school and twice on a Saturday. Our house is a mess 90% of the time. My knees hurt. My back hurts. Did I mention I'm exhausted? There are no kids in our extended family of a similar age to her so she demands a lot of our time and attention as she sees us (mostly me) as her play buddy as well as parents. Both our families are not local so we also can't rely on them for help. It's difficult to find time for ourselves and each other as a couple. It really is exhausting. And expensive.

We've decided to try for a second because even with all I've mentioned, it's just so rewarding. There's nothing else in life that I've experienced that stands up to the love I have for my daughter.

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Toffeemade@reddit

I'm 60, a single dad (widowed) with 2 kids 18 and 15. I am glad I waited as the acquired wisdom and financial security really helps but I am quite energetic so that aspect didn't worry me. I am aware I may not see or be too old to enjoy my grand kids...

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Cantmakeupnewname@reddit

47 here with 2 who are 12 and under. Shattered every single day.

The truth is you’ll never be ‘ready’. I’m still not ready and I’ve been a parent for 12 years.

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JamesyUK30@reddit

So not me, but my Dad. When they had me he was 44 years old and there were times both of us really felt that difference, he was in his 60's when I turned 18 and and there is a certain gulf of relatability under the love. Also when he passed at 80 I had this feeling in the months after like I had been cheated out of 15+ years with him my half brothers and sister had, he never got to see my son grow up etc. and it stung somewhat.

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Stralau@reddit

I‘m 45 with a 10 year old and an 8 year old. My wife is a couple of years younger than me.

You still have time (especially your wife!). That said, I would recommend getting on with it if you are sure, as kids take it out of you physically much more than you might expect; knees become crap at crawling around on hard floors as you get older, backs start to ache from the strain of baby carriers.

If you wait until you are completely „ready“ you will be waiting forever, and the experience is so life changing it’s impossible to be completely prepared for it anyway. Also, whilst we were lucky, lots of couples take longer than expected to conceive. In short, I think youth is a more important resource than having the right job, house etc. if it’s feasible, and definitely something you both want, do it and good luck! For every parent I know, it’s the best thing that ever happened to them.

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Talking_Gibberish@reddit

If you wait till you're ready you'll never do it. It's hard work but it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.

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IAmLaureline@reddit

I had my kids at 37 and 39. My husband is 2 1/2 years older. I conceived very quickly both times.

We were knackered but we were more confident about doing things our way rather than what we were told.

Be aware that (at a population level) women's fertility declines after thirty and then steeply after 35. Yes, lots of women, like me, are lucky enough to conceive easily after 35 and there is no longer a social stigma to having your first child in your forties. Biology hasn't changed. I know a lot of people who 'waited until they were sorted' to have a baby and were unable to conceive. IVF can help but it is not a guarantee.

If you really want children start now.

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dselwood05@reddit

My mum and dad were 39 when I was born. I’m 20.

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BasisOk4268@reddit

30 is a good age to have kids. If you wait until you’re ready you’ll never be ready.

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Ifartdust@reddit

I’m 40 this year, and have a nearly 7 year old and 5 year old, I am wishing I had done it sooner as the older I’m getting the more tired I feel. You will never be truly ready so my advice would be if you want kids do it, they naturally slot into your routines and are brilliant fun and provide so much entertainment… the best bit you can act like a kid again

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LadyBAudacious@reddit

My mother was 34 for her 1st, 36 for her 2nd and 38 for her LO. My dad was three years older than her.

The only drawback I recall, if you can call it that, was their being the oldest parents on the school run.

Good luck and best wishes.

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TopAd7154@reddit

I'm 42. I had my first baby at 39 and my second at 40. It's exhausting and I wish id had them younger. My body is physically fucked. My money (now that I'm actually earning some) belongs to nursery. My time (now that I need it most) is gone.

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Direct_Confidence_58@reddit

All of my friends that had kids early (not 30 yet) regret for not having waited. My friends who had babies in their mid-thirties seem happiest. Mature enough to tackle being a mom, having lived life but still young enough to undergo the stress of having a child.

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Serious-Pangolin-491@reddit

I’m not a parent, but I’m a child of older parents. My dad was 40 when I was born and my mom was just shy of 35. To my knowledge, I was a really easy kid. Maybe partially because I was an only child. Anyway, growing up, I didn’t miss out on anything because my parents were older than my friends’ parents. They hauled my ass to school, to sports games, on vacations, everywhere. But now that I’m 29, it is a little sad to see my dad is almost 70. I worry about the time I have left with him (he is healthy but still) and I’m worried he won’t be around if I ever get married or have children (I’m very single). I suppose the real trade-off doesn’t come until later in your child’s life, and I do think it’s worth thinking about.

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SomeMeeting1374@reddit

I had my first child at 21 and my second at 30, the second seemed so much harder due to the tiredness but she was also terrible at night compared to my son so that didn't help.

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Alternative-Fox-7255@reddit

My youngest was born when I was 41. She’s 4 now. We have 2 others that are 10 and 8. I guess being older I don’t worry about going out or socialising as much and I already have a good sleep schedule so that’s a benefit. It is possible and I’m sure you’ll be fine

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Ploughman_Lunch_stat@reddit

I was 48 as a first time dad, wife was 44.

I went with a saying by Winston Churchill.

“The advantage of youth is that it has the energy. The advantage of age is that it has the wisdom.”

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Ploughman_Lunch_stat@reddit

The down side is, on school run, I get chatting to people who some years previous would know from nights out - and they're collecting their grandchildren....

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Few-Course7411@reddit

Plenty of people who have kids in their 20s and lead sedetary lives that bring in many diseases and the inability to ‘ play ‘ with their kid by the time they hit 30s. All people I know who have become parents late, tend to he more fit and take care of their bodies- partially due to the kids giving them that push and motivation to live better and longer but also because they all tend to have more financial security and are in positions were job stress due to money or wanting to climb the latter are less prevalent. You pick your battles

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Mysterious_Cow_9533@reddit

I am the child of older parents. My mother was 40 and my dad was 45 when they had me. The positive: -My parents were great parents, they were fully invested in being parents and had lived their lives prior to becoming parents. -We were financially well off as they were older and my dad was a businessman. -My parents are both now retired and willing to provide constant childcare for me and my partner. -I had a great childhood.

The negatives: -I worry about them constantly, they’re 70 and 75 now and during Covid I nearly had a mental breakdown worrying about them getting it and being deathly unwell. - I want so much more time with them than I realistically may achieve. - My cousins are all 20+ years older than me so there’s a weird middle generation dynamic to me and my brother. - I had my first child at 25, and one of the reasons for that was I wanted them to know and remember my parents if anything were to happen.

Overall I don’t think being an older parent is a bad thing but I wish I could guarantee atleast the next 20 years with them.

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Few-Course7411@reddit

can I just add that my parents were 60 during covid and had me mid 20s and I STILL WORRIED

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JalapenoToastie@reddit

I agree so much with this. My parents had me when they were older and due to their age-related health problems I couldn't have the kind of relationship with them in my teens and early 20s that my peers had with their parents. I wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with aging parents at that age. When people are making the decision on whether to have children, it seems to me that they only think about the baby-primary school years, and not what comes after.

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Mysterious_Cow_9533@reddit

Don’t get me wrong I have a great relationship with my parents that’s what makes me so scared for the future. However, on the flip side if they’d had me younger would they have been such involved and willing parents. It’s all debatable

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extranjeroQ@reddit

I was 40 when I had my daughter and this is pretty much all my worries for her in reverse. I wish I could have had her younger but sadly my ovaries decided it wasn’t going to happen.

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majaohalo@reddit

I resonate with this a lot. My dad was 44 when I was born. He kept very (very!) fit during my childhood and so I didn’t really think about him being in his 50s whilst I was young at all. However I’m definitely feeling the pressure as he’s 71 now with health issues and getting really stubborn and difficult! Feels a little bit like the parent/child dynamic is swapping around, and I’m only 27…

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PlainJane1887@reddit

I (37f) had my first baby with my husband (42) in April. I don’t have any regrets about having a baby now instead of earlier. I didn’t have any issues getting pregnant either. My pregnancy was uneventful. Obviously this is all anecdotal. Some people have kids later and regret not doing it earlier and some don’t. Some people older and younger have horrendous pregnancies or complications and some don’t. Some people have a hard time getting pregnant and some don’t.

What I would say is we lucked out and our baby has been a good sleeper so far. Even the “bad” nights are better than a lot of people’s “good” nights.

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Sweaty_Fly_1101@reddit

Just turned 40 with a 4 year old. Its the nest thing to ever happen to me but my knees hurtful playing on the floor. He now grabs me a cushion when asking me to play!

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HanAVFC@reddit

I'm 33, I've just had my second she's 11 weeks old today ☺️

My dad was 40 when they had my younger brother and my mom was 36.

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80s-Bloke@reddit

I'm 42 with a four year old and a one year old.

I love being a parent and when I'm at work, I'm thinking about them and counting down the hours before I see them again.

I think towards my 40s my life was feeling hollow and this has undone that entirely.

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phygello@reddit

I was 53 and 11 months when I became a father for the first and only time. Loved being a dad when he was a baby and younger child. We lived abroad for 6 months when he was about 3, and I had main childcare responsibilities then. We bonded closely during that relatively brief time. He is 15 now and unsurprisingly there is more friction between us (continual prompting for revision, carrying out the minimal help around the house etc).However, I am grateful for my good fortune inasmuch as he DOES usually cooperate, his behaviour is never any real cause for concern (rather than minor irritation) and he has never been involved in criminality (to my knowledge!). His mother is a lot younger, and as she doesn't have "dad voice" finds it harder to get him to do homework etc. Now the important aspect: how does he feel? I am sure that our age gap must be uncomfortable for him at times. My age does feature in conversation at times, though by and large he does not appear to be particularly dismayed by it. He likes to show me things that interest him, and we talk about a wide range of things. I took him to a football match yesterday which he enjoyed.
I think all anyone could advise you is that each of us have different experiences of being parented, and are likely to have similarly varied approaches to our own parenting. I am far too shouty, and my wife says that I don't praise him enough. Ironically, though she does so much for him, I am the one that he will say goodnight to, and I have to prompt him to say goodnight to her. Good luck.

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True-Yogurt-7209@reddit

Friend just had a baby at 40! I do feel sorry for him to be honset. He has an 19 year old from a previous relationship but now he’s done in, tired etc. he will be 50 when his kid is 10. Personally think your age you should start to be enjoying life, holidays etc. Your partner being 30 is fine she’s at that age but I wouldn’t put it off if you’re wanting. There’s also never a “right time” if everyone waited for the right time you would never have kids. I’m 37, have a 12 and 14 year old. Young mum and loved that I had the energy for them

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Original_Chip_3776@reddit

I'm 37, wife is 33, we have a 2 yo and planning for another soon. If money isn't a concern, don't wait.

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becpuss@reddit

Tip you’ll never be “ready” that’s an illusion all you can do is make sure you are as financially secure and stable in your partnership and you have discussed the big issues about how you are going ti parent religion style etc after your approach as you can be you can’t be ready for children ifnever had then before it’s wild ride but totally worth it no matter your age

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Ok-Chest-7932@reddit

As the child of older parents, I don't really recommend waiting much longer. Age at pregnancy is a major predictor of developmental disorders. Plus the longer you wait the less time your kids get with you. If you're 50 when you have them, they'll be 25-30 when you die. That's how old you're supposed to be when grandparents start dying.

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OkTechnician4610@reddit

I was 39 when I had my son. Took a while to get pregnant. Don’t wait too long the older your wife is the more chance of complications. The olderyou are the more strain it’s gonna put on you an active child is tiring. Maybe sit down with a cuppa & think about what u really want to do. Ask yourself do u really want a child ? If yes what’s holding u back. Then decide with your wife &akso see what she wants.

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banedlol@reddit

My dad was around 40 and my mum 30 when I was born. My dad had a disability (not polio but basically the same result - lower leg with no muscle at all).

Pretty faultless upbringing from them.. the only thing was my dad wasn't able to do bike rides with me past the age of around 52 and that was our main time spent together.

Even now I'm 33 they're both great parents.

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Spiritual-Task-2476@reddit

Apart from sleep deprivation you'll be fine

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Confused_DuckIing@reddit

I'd say get going. You may assume that she'll get pregnant fairly quickly but that's not always the case. My wife and I have been trying for 2 years and not had success.

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cherrypez123@reddit

I’m a 43 single mum who just adopted a 3 year old. I’m super happy, honestly and have zero regrets. It’s a little intense, sure, but the payoff is def worth it if you love kids and really want them.

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hungrybuniker@reddit

As an adoptee myself, thank you! Adopting isn't easy, nor is raising an adoptee, there are a lot of questions. However, what you are doing is wonderful and will mean a lot to your child.

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Hernyo66@reddit

What a lovely comment! All the best to you and your toddler :)

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Money-Expression-554@reddit

Thats one lucky 3 year old!

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cherrypez123@reddit

Thank you. We’re honestly both so happy. Feel like I won the lottery 🥹💜

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Zillywips@reddit

Oh gosh this is lovely. I hope you both have a wonderful life!

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arenaross@reddit

This is so wholesome.

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amytee252@reddit

Would it be possible to DM you looking for advice please? I am looking to adopt (preferably from abroad) and probably as a single parent. I myself am adopted.

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Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit

Kudos to you ❤️ you’re a wonderful human 🫶

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ranchitomorado@reddit

Do it now. I'm an older dad and I wish I'd had them earlier in life.

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polystyrenedaffodil@reddit

41 with a 4 year old here. I never wanted to be a first time mum so old but took 15 years to have her so here we are.

My body did not like pregnancy at all, but no guarentee it would have done when I was younger either.

Its exhausting, I do think i could have done the lack of sleep a lot better when younger. But im also a single parent (by choice, donor baby) so its also possible if i had someone to share load it would be less exhausting.

Also really weird now shes at school as I am the oldest parent in her playground. But I chat to them (avoid the cliques) and there's a grandparent couple my age im good friends with.

Helping her with school work is crazy though cos shes learning to read and write which I learned in 1989 and phonics is so hard to get my head round.

My biggest worry as an older parent is time. Her grandparents are in their late 60s, I lost all mine before I was an adult, shes likely to do the same. How much of her life will have me in it? But im just rolling with it. Im so grateful she is in my life, being a mum is so rewarding even though i do often think about defenestrating the kid, but its Sunday, we are in matching panda onsies watching Hey Duggee, and life is good.

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Im_being_stalked@reddit

My dad was 39 and mom 34 when they had me. Ok I only know my dad with white hair because he started getting greys really soon.

My dad used to take me everywhere he went (I have an older sister but she was less energetic she’s 5 years older). My parents were always perceived as normal too me really. Only once did someone ask if they were my grandparents but my dad was picking me up from school in a Renault chamade…

Now a days their health isn’t great but that’s my parents fault really. My dad is a smoker and had a heart attack, otherwise ok now.

My mom had gestational diabetes and didn’t give a crap about it and with disordered eating plus already being prone to it she now has diabetes and is an awful diabetic for many years she didn’t try and control it.

They’re here tho and I’m 30 years old, they were always present in their own way and anything wrong with them as parents was never due to age.

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Dear_Grape_666@reddit

Not me, but I have a (F) friend who recently had a baby at age 40. It can be done!

The kid might keep you young too, if you look at it from that perspective. 😄

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laser_spanner@reddit

41f with a 4 year old and a 20 month old. I cannot lie, I am tired. This is not down to my age but the inability of my second child to sleep through the night properly. This could happen to you and your partner, or you might get a good sleeper like my first. Whatever age you have a child there will be challenges that you have never dealt with before.

I've seen a few comments saying do it now while you have energy. Your post does say you don't feel ready. You need to listen to you. Take your lifestyle and feelings into account before some random on reddit saying just do it. A baby isn't something you can take back if you go for it and you realise it wasn't the right time for you to go down that path.

I don't think my energy levels are any different now to when I was 30. (Sleepless toddler aside). Lack of sleep affects you whatever age you are so anyone saying it's easier to deal with earlier in life makes no sense lol.

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Different_Split6308@reddit

Me and my wife have a 3 year old, I’m 40 and she’s 45. Had to go the IVF route, which took over 4 years and that was after a year of trying and a miscarriage. We got extremely lucky in the end, as the infertility was mainly due to my wife’s age. Not that could be a problem for you, but you’re better off trying sooner rather than later.

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trainpk85@reddit

I had one when I was 20 then did it again when I was 28. The sleepless nights were a lot harder at 28. I met my 2nd husband at 36 and we discussed having one but know I don’t have it in me at this age.

My friend did it at 40 and 43 (mum) and her husband was a year or 2 older and were fine but she never went back to work. I don’t blame her, I’m sure she’s shattered.

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Marilliana@reddit

Getting pregnant is a journey, it's not always as easy as just deciding on now. It was 2yrs between us starting to 'try' and actually having our first, with a miscarriage along the way.

If you know you really want kids, then I don't think you'd regret it being sooner than you'd like, but you might regret leaving it too late.

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notthetalkinghorse@reddit

I'm 43 now and my kids are 6 & 4. They're hard work and are on the go constantly - I'm tired a lot of the time. Wouldn't change it for the world though.

If you're in good shape, and don't mind a bit of sleep deprivation you'll be absolutely fine BUT I'd suggest not waiting too much longer. Once you've done it, make sure you look after yourself, keep up the exercise and eat well. it's really easy to let it slip and pack on a pile of weight, harder to shift it, as I'm finding out

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Crono985@reddit

There isn't a right time you won't have everything ready and that's okay, just do it if you picture children in your life. It will be hard, nothing worth it comes easy

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MagentaSupernova@reddit

I was 37 and I don't think I would have had the patience any time sooner. You know when you're ready imo. I still wasn't prepared for how much of my life would become swallowed up by parenthood but I'm separated from the father (on good terms though, he's a great Dad) so it's a bit tougher at times than I'd imagined. But my bambino is absolutely, 100% worth it! The best, most wholesome, funny, clever little soul I have ever had the honour of knowing. I've learned a lot about life and love that I just don't think I'd have ever understood without being a parent.

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moreboredthanyouare@reddit

Im 55 soon and have a 7yr old. I can't play with him as much as I could with our older kids but we don't regret it

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bunnygirlemi@reddit

I would also say do it sooner rather than later.

I’m 32, husband is 39. We have a 7.5 month old and the sleepless nights are ROUGH. I thought the newborn stage would be hard but its nothing compared to teething/sleep regressions. Obviously every baby is different but you don’t know if you’re going to get a tough ride or not with sleep etc.

We really want another child, i’m already trying to mentally prepare myself for it.

The reality of my/our age has hit me hard these last few months, especially thinking longer term as you never know what life will throw at you healthwise the older you get.

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Dazzarooni@reddit

46 years old here.

Had my first son at 27. Split up from his mum when I was 30.

Met my current wife in my late 30s. Had my son when I was 42. Decided to try for another 10 months later and ended up with my wife expecting triplets. So I had 4 under two at 44 years old.

No lie. It's been brutal. Especially with my age and the sleep depravation. However, if you have one or two you'll be fine. Even with how hard and how expensive it's been. I wouldn't change it for anything!

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ojmt999@reddit

How are you like, alive?

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Dazzarooni@reddit

It's been tough. But there has been a lot of fun too

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

4 UNDER 2?!?! Fuck me sideways.

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Dazzarooni@reddit

They are 19 months now. And my son just turned 3.

The elder of the 4 has always been difficult. He's really smart and high energy. But this has really ramped up the last month. And the triplets do nothing but bite, fight and pull hair.

However, no hard compares to the newborn stage. I thought we were going to get divorced. Things are much calmer now.

Like I said. No regrets. Worth it all.

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

I have absolutely no words. Twins run on both sides of my family so I’ve always been a bit wary - but triplets?! What pram do you even use for 4 kids that young?!

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Dazzarooni@reddit

No history of multiples in our families. They are identical. Spontaneous identical triplets is 200m to 1.

We had two silver cross travel systems to start with. 2 bassinets on one. One bassinet and a seat on the other.

Then we had a triple stroller and a single stroller

Now we imported a Larktale Caravan Quad wagon. Which is great. But you couldn't get it in a normal car.

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Money-Expression-554@reddit

You won't the family lottery! Enjoy x

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Dazzarooni@reddit

Thank you

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Sam645@reddit

I’m 45 with kids aged 11, 9, and 5. My experience is that the kids are a gap that I didn’t know I had.

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Dry_Average2676@reddit

Do it asap. It will be tough but it’s worth every sleepless night and every grey hair.

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glittermaniac@reddit

I’m 36 and my husband is 41 (so slightly younger than you asked for), we had a baby last year and are expecting another one next year. He’s a brilliant dad and has the maturity to understand that he can’t just dump everything regarding children and childcare on me. He works 5 days a week and I went down to 4 days after coming back from May leave, so we both work and both have hobbies that we give each other the time and space to do.

Personally I would not have been ready for children before 30, I wasn’t in the right headspace to put someone else’s needs before mine constantly. Our 18 month old has only just started sleeping through the night, and as someone who needs their own sleep, this was really tough for me. In my mid-30s I can cope, in my mid-20s I would have really struggled.

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Total-Coconut756@reddit

Not an older parent but I’m the kid of older parents. It really depends. My parents should never have had kids as I was just always in the way, never felt wanted, it was unstable and chaotic. It’s the only thing that matters - the kid needs to feel loved and wanted. That’s all.

However the kids I know who had older parents (and definitely older dads) who really wanted them benefited I think. The parents were most established at work so just more confident overall, had more cash, were calmer overall, were good listeners, paid attention. This really showed in how the kid was raised.

Kids don’t care that you’re ‘old’. They care whether you can and want to do stuff with them. So as long as you’re healthy and have the energy to be present I don’t think there’s an issue.

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Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit

I had two in my late 20s and one in my late 30s. As a woman having a child in the late 30s was harder. I would definitely not want to have a pregnancy in my 40s. Personally I would do it sooner rather than later. Also you don’t know how long it will actually take to conceive. My last child took a few years.

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last-Invictus@reddit

I'm actually a 43 year old dad to a 17 month old.

It's exhausting for both of us but it's so worth it, she's my little whirlwind. We were told that we could never have kids even with IVF and we were so heartbroken and then out of nowhere my wife fell pregnant. It's so far been an amazing experience but that one thing I wished is that she came along earlier, as in I'm worried for her future and my age.

Don't wait or you'll never get that chance.

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Army-Status@reddit

Chances are you’re never going to feel fully ready so if you know you want kids just go for it now whilst you can

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Thoughtful_giant13@reddit

I had my daughter when I was 35. I got pregnant quickly, and it was a very smooth pregnancy and straightforward birth.

However, we had secondary infertility issues which was almost certainly related to my age, so we’ve been unable to have a second child (I’m now 48, so no longer trying).

I’m not saying you should try sooner - you can’t really predict what’s going to happen, so you have to make the decision that’s right for you both, and if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.

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Icy_Ear7079@reddit

I’m 33 and my husband is 44, our first is due in December! This is the perfect timing for us!

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Royal_View9815@reddit

I’ve done both ends of the spectrum. First kid at 16 next one at 34!! I’m ready to be a grandparent now 🤞🏼🤞🏼

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elliebearrrr@reddit

My mum had my sister at 18 and me at 43, no other kids in-between. She was already a grandma when I was born!

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Royal_View9815@reddit

Now that’s an age gap!!!

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nicefoodnstuff@reddit

My wife and I had kids earlyish by today’s standards (both in our mid 20s with our first one). Everyone I know who started mid 30s or later looks wrecked, and we looked wrecked too at the time but now we’re out the other side and can’t imagine starting now (38&39). Our youngest is 7, I also got the snip because we’re done.

Part of that was also future-proofing. I’ve seen the cliché play out too many times: couple splits up in their late 40s or 50s, ex wife is child-free and living it up, while he gets talked into round two with a younger woman. Suddenly he’s back in nappies at 50 plus, broke, no time and/or for existing kids, relationships strained. No thanks. I just want hobbies, travel, sports, and supporting my daughters when I’m in my 50s, with or without my wife.

If you have a kid at 43, you’ll be 62 when they hit 18. And you won’t just be buying them lunch, you’ll still be helping with tuition, housing, all the expensive stuff, right when you should be thinking about retirement.

If you’re set on it, get yourself in elite shape because bad lifestyle wrecks sperm and makes the getting pregnant even harder (the odds are so small even when you’re in excellent condition it’s actually amazing that it works so often). Make sure you’ve got a strong support network of family or friends who can actually help. And be brutally honest about your finances, because kids often need help well into their 20s and that can easily push back your freedom.

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flusteredchic@reddit

Had one in my 20's - energetically i coped better, pregnancy was a little easier- but my brain was fried

Had a second in my mid-30's - its soooon much harder on my body.... Shes only 2 and a half im sad that my last time picking her up will be so much younger than my first 😭 - however.... My patience and resilience and maturity are everything this time around. I have a sense I'll have far less to apologise for to my second than to my first.

Go by her body... Theres an age where pregnancy and risk of complications does increase... By a lot. Read up on that and come up with a joint decision, "if it doesnt happen by X because we dont feel ready we will consider adoption or that it isnt for us" or whatever the decision may be (i said adoption as an extender also because you mostly skip the newborn stage which will be the bit that ages you more than any other).

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sephsplace@reddit

I'm 40, I have a 14/16 yo from past relationship, my wife is 30 and we have a 10 month old. It was hard to do the late nights and early mornings again in my 40s, but totally worth it. Afaik it gets harder for women to have children without complications past 30, so sooner the better if you do want a child

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Aggravating-Ant-6767@reddit

I can’t speak from my own experience but my mum was 40 when she had me and my dad was 45. My childhood was great, and I have a really strong relationship with my parents now (I’m 30).

Similarly, I’m 30 and my fiancé is 37, and don’t want kids yet but feel no pressure to change my mind ‘asap’ as I know I have time to decide.

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vampireondrugs@reddit

My mum was 37 when she had me, my dad 40. I lost my dad from a sudden heart attack when I was 20 and my mum from cancer when I was 30. All 4 of my grandparents died before I was 18. I'm either unlucky or it just comes with the older aged parents.

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JNC34@reddit

All understandable, but are you not worried about your future children potentially not knowing their grandparents?

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Civil-Koala-8899@reddit

Three of my grandparents had died by the time I was 2 (and my parents weren’t particularly old when they had me, at 34 and 35, just unlucky) - and like yeah, it’s a shame, but I don’t feel it has impacted me particularly. I’m very close with my parents and sister and we’ve always been a little unit.

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Touchtheheart@reddit

I (47f) had my first when I was 30, and my second at 34. I was able to establish a career in my 20s, but still had energy for bringing up kids in my 30s. Husband and I are able to talk about the possibility (dream) of early retirement in 10 years (after the kids have finished University, if they wish to go).

My friend, who is 45 (his partner is younger, in her late 30s) and is expecting his second child this Christmas will never have the opportunity to consider early retirement. He'll still be dealing with primary school aged kids in his 50s.

I feel like hubby and I got the timing right for us. Personally I wouldn't wait any longer if you know you want kids. You will never quite feel 'ready' for them.

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Sanguine_Rosey@reddit

I was 37, my husband was 43, and we needed fertility treatment, but it took so long because we were misdiagnosed. Got there in the end, we now have a very lively 3 year old boy (I would take the newborn phase any day over the toddler phase 🤣)

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TeachingOdd7643@reddit

47 with a 5-year-old. It's kinda like the 90s - loud music, lots of neon and body fluids (these little things are snot and poop factories), but we're all having a good time.

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KK_McGee@reddit

Tomorrow I turn 36, and my partner is 43. We have a 1.5 year old and it's honestly been the best decision of both our lives. We're talking about giving our son a sibling as well.

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bringandbuysale@reddit

Nobody is ever "ready" to have kids. If you want kids because you genuinely want to sacrifice yourself for a few years for the benefit of someone else entirely (they aren't there for you, they're there for them), then have them now.

I am a dad of two, they're wonderful, I've we've sacrificed a lot for them to be happy, safe and well, and I'd do it all again and sacrifice more for them. But, prepare yourself that the first five years are brutal.

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Accurate_Dot542@reddit

I had my daughter when I was 33 and partner was 46, I have 2 older daughters from a previous relationship. He worried about his age a little bit but he's the most amazing father to our daughter, he might not be as active as he was when we was younger but that doesn't stop him building sand castles with her at the beach, reading with her, playing with her baby dolls which I actually think he enjoys more than he'd ever admit ha! I watch them sometimes and I cry and little and have to go out the room before someone thinks I'm upset but it's just the cutest thing in the world to me. My older children's father was in his 20s when we had them and he never took the time to do any of the little things with them, the difference is massive. So as long as you're there and spend time with any children you have i don't think age really matters. Same for me aswell i have alot more patience now and more financially stable so I worry less and enjoy being a mum to a now toddler a lot more than I did the first time.

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IllPen8707@reddit

Younger parent here but have my two bits anyway.

I don't think anyone is ever ready for parenthood before it happens. Nothing but experience prepares you for how hard it is, and all the financial security in the world can only do so much to compensate for that.

Personally, given the task of chasing after a toddler, and given the tradeoff between a stable job and income on one hand, and youth/physical fitness on the other, I'd rather choose the latter. I can't even imagine trying to handle a small child's energy in my 40s.

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sesame_seed_23@reddit

My husband was 41 when we had our first child and he loves it! Our son is his best friend, and fills our heart with joy every day. He does get a sore back lifting him up and sometimes would rather stay on the couch than plan, but overall he’s an active and engaged dad. He takes him to football class, put on his trike, to the park, chases him around soft play etc.

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DickSpin79@reddit

I’m 46 with a 2.5 year old and 8 year old, little one appears to have ASD. It’s hard work no doubt, running my own business too. But wife, 6 years younger, does most of the work regards the kidos, it’s a full time job in itself, she would testify to that. We are both fit and active, although finding it increasingly harder to find the time and energy to stay fit! Being this age, with ankle biters is a double edged sword, increased financial security and settled etc but increasingly tired and the husband/ wife relationship can be stressed at times. Hindsight a wonderful thing, but kind of wish I was 10 years younger, nonetheless it’s great fun and does keep me young!

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Then_Consequence_500@reddit

On the other side of this. My dad had me at 40, I was the youngest of 3 and a complete daddy’s girl and tom boy. His age never stopped him from doing anything. He always played football with me, taught me loads of sports, how to drive, took me to loads of motor racing and football games.

I now have my own kids and he’s a great granddad even though he’s nearly 80. He has bother with his knees but it doesn’t stop him playing with my kids, help fixing their bikes and having days out with them.

Honestly my dad being older did not affect my childhood one bit.

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contemplating7@reddit

I am 40 years younger than my parents. I hate it. Growing up, kids would refer to my parents as grandparents. No sports or anything like that after school, poor health/ tiredness got in the way. Now their health deterioration means they need me to do so much. They've offended my kids numerous times so that they don't want to visit them anymore..

My sister just said they'd been heated with her and my brother yesterday. We tend to visit them in pairs so we are able to have 'back up' to witness outbursts and things.

Growing up, they had a complete disconnect with the decade I grew up in or how the world was evolving. I very much remember just going off to do stuff as they were always tired or uninterested.

The one thing I learned was that I definitely did not want to put my children through what I am going through and my experiences so I made sure to have my kids much younger.

With a younger wife, things will be a lot easier for your kids and they'll probably have an easier time because of it.

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

I’ve just had my first and I’m 34 (just!) and my husband is 39. We’re fine. I got pregnant after one time. Pregnancy was diabolical but that was more genetic. Our baby is very chill, sleeps pretty good (mostly through the night since 8/9 weeks). He’s happy at the moment to come along to whatever we’re doing. Lots of mums are my age at baby groups I go to. I’m quite a tired person, but it’s literally given me a new love of life ☺️

I will say I had a total menty b during pregnancy as I didn’t feel ready but was also convinced I was too old! I now wish I’d done it a few years ago, simply so I could have more babies! If I didn’t have to be pregnant, I’d have another one right this second!

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

Congratulations, that’s so nice to hear. And also inspiring, I’m thinking we should start really considering it over the next year

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Freckles93@reddit

That sounds smart, but just be aware timelines don't always work as you'd planned. I'm 33, husband is 44. We started trying when I was 29 and even with accurate ovulation tracking through temperature and tests etc, we're still not pregnant, neither of us have fertility issues.

Currently going through IVF on the NHS, which we were put on the waiting list in 2023..!

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

Mines just vommed everywhere so I’ve got one going spare if you’re keen?

Obviously results do vary but I didn’t really hear from people who were just plodding along and having a good time.

For example today, he went to bed at 10pm last night, we woke him up at 8.30 as we had his swimming lesson, came home for showers and breakfast, went to an art exhibition, went for some lunch with that he just sat in his pram during and played with a toy, went for a walk by the sea, went to next and B&M, came home and did the endless laundry, bath, bottles and cleaning routine. Made some tea, and now we’re getting him down to bed.

I think people come to Reddit with extremes. My husbands lost a fair bit of weight so he’s a fitter and more energetic dad now than he ever would have been in his 20s. Plus coffee exists.

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

I’m so with you on pregnancy! I had my first at 34 and 18 months later I’d forgotten enough, and loved my daughter enough, that I wanted another. I’m glad I’ve had him but I’m so glad I’ll never be pregnant again. It sucks!

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Tulcey-Lee@reddit

I’m 39 with a 6 month old. I’ll NEVER have another baby. Was so ill and it messed me up. Pregnancy was physically horrendously hard (not necessarily due to age) and being postpartum has been mentally hard. Starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel now though.

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

It SUCKS! I need the number for the stork pls.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

got pregnant after one time

This made me chuckle because it made it sound like you and your husband have had sex once and only once, in order to create the baby.

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

I mean, without protection, yes that’s literally what happened 😅 I was away with work for the rest of the time.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

One and done!

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Divewench@reddit

Looking at it from a child who HAD older parents. I was born in 1966, Mum was 45, Dad was 48. They had been told they couldn't have children. My parents were very 'old school', seen but not heard. Plus I was an only child. Often they would be mistaken for my Grandparents, who I never met. Once, on Parents Evening in high school, I watched my Mum having an angina attack trying to get to the school hall, 3 storeys up. Although I remember certain things, I cannot remember them actually playing with me, as in rough and tumble or board games, but Dad taught me how to watercolour and Mum taught me how to sew on a machine, skills I still use. Dad passed away when I was 9, and Mum when I was 21.

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xqzciara@reddit

Not me but my mother. She had her first two in her twenties, and then my little sister when she was 40. She said doing it later was far harder physically, but much easier mentally, and not just because she'd done it before (with such a big gap it was like being a first time parent again anyway). Apparently the life experience and self confidence that comes with time applies to parenting too. Now she's a grandmother to a teenager, three toddlers, and also has a 20 year old daughter..that's keeping her young for sure 😃

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extranjeroQ@reddit

All I can say is that it might not happen on the timeline you want, as you get older.

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sofiaonomateopia@reddit

First at 32, second at just shy of 35. My energy has definitely gone down but that’s probably due to having 2!

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abibofsweat@reddit

I got pregnant at 38 and had my daughter at 39, my other half is 49. My daughter is one now and I'm now 40 and my other half will be 50 next year. Is it harder when you're that little bit old? Yes it is, you don't quite have the energy that you had when you were younger but I wouldn't change anything and I'd have another child tomorrow if my body still let's me. You have time. DM me if you have any questions!

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joyousjoy23@reddit

Not the voice you want to hear, I’m coming at it from the child’s POV my dad was 46 when I was born and my mum was 29 at the time. He felt more like a grandpa to me than a dad. Though perhaps that’s more a reflection of his character than age. Also. He died by the time I was 35… I am clearly biased from my experience but I don’t think it’s fair on the child. Just my thoughts though.

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whippetrealgood123@reddit

I had mine at 35 and 40, 41 now. My age hasn't affected me but I was fit before, was in the gym 3/4 weeks for years, stopped on the Drs advice during my first pregnancy and the second I had horrendous nausea and that bark cough for 8/9 weeks with my second pregnancy, so haven't been to the gym since. Think cause I've always been active it hasn't bothered me and I'm always on the go with them. I just get on with it and don't consider my age. At least we have money behind us now and that's less of a stress.

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hanawa_jewellery@reddit

My dad had me when he was 42, he passed when I was 38.. We had a great relationship.

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emmakescoffee@reddit

So I’m 35, my partner is 47, our kids are 1 and 4. Not gonna lie it’s hard (and I’m not even that old) and you get tired a lot, my partner works a physical job and is always asleep on the sofa before me; he’s very tired.

However, we have had several years together to travel and do fun stuff pre kids, so we don’t maybe have as much regret/resentment at the things you can’t do anymore with small children. Where we live and at my son’s school, I would say most parents are 30’s and 40’s, I’ve never felt old on the school run or at baby groups.

Also and I’m sure you know this, but anything over 35 for a woman is classed as a geriatric pregnancy in the UK. So although it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy pregnancy at 40+ you’ll still be labelled as such if you wait that long.

I don’t think anyone really ever feels like they’re ready, you can think you do and then still think ‘oh shit’ when you see the positive test.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you!

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

Thank you,this makes me feel a lot better

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monochromatic8@reddit

What exactly are you waiting for? I mean, you’re already in your 40s…. If 20 years haven’t been enough time for you to do all the things you’ve wanted, then 3 or 4 more years are most definitely not going to be enough. I just had a baby at 35 and I cannot imagine being over 40 with a newborn. They are so cute and so precious but no. By the time I’m your age, my kid will already be more independent and much easier to handle in all aspects. I also have a 12 year old son, which has given me a good guide of what to expect through my experience with him and by 5, he was much more awesome, sooo easy and so fun. But doing all that over 45+, my god, will probably be so exhausting.

You say you do want to have kids but you sure don’t sound like it. Think long and hard before you bring an innocent life to the world if you are still indecisive. Again, you’re 40… if by this age you aren’t ready, then maybe you never will. Also, having older parents as an adult child can be really sad and scary. My parents had me at 35 as well and I worry for them so much and I have 2 other older siblings and we all worry for them. I cannot imagine of what it’d be like if my) parents were older and I was the only child. Oooof!! That’d be so rough

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limedifficult@reddit

I was 33 and my husband 47 when we had our son - he’s seven now and life is fantastic. I do think it would be different if we’d had a second child but having one hasn’t been an issue with his age at all. I wouldn’t wait forever - we tried for three years before getting pregnant and if we’d known infertility was going to be an issue, we would’ve started sooner. But overall, no regrets!

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Tulcey-Lee@reddit

I’m a 39 yr old mum with a 6 month old. My partner is 36. It’s been hard on my body as I had a difficult pregnancy but I don’t know if that’s age related or just me! We are financially stable and much better off than we were 5/10 years ago. Do not regret waiting until now to have a baby.

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Tall_Bet_4580@reddit

I was 40, wife was 35. Daughter is 13 now. She's smarter more settled and matured for her age. Probably because we have more patience have less economic demands and settled in our own life. She's in the top 5 % of her school which is a grammar school so that's the top 20% of kids straight away. Again maybe because of age we didn't stress fuss or have other distractions in our life and it went smoothly.

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terminal_young_thing@reddit

People always ask older parents, but never the children born from older parents.

The epitome of selfishness.

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BrieflyVerbose@reddit

I'm 39 on Monday and I'm struggling to keep up with my 5 year old

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robowns87@reddit

37, a 7 month old. I’m not entirely convinced age makes that much of a difference, but what has made a difference since is that my previous training regime - 3x weights per week before work (>15 years of) and c100 miles of cycling a week - hasn’t been touched. I’ve been to the gym about 5 times in the last 7 months and provably only 200 miles on the bike.

I am starting to feel unfit and exertion seems to take more out of me that it did before. Given my son is getting easier to manage, I’m intending to get back to it properly shortly, but it is much harder to maintain.

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Warm_Egg2675@reddit

I’m the child of older parents but me sharing my experience is probably going to make me unpopular but it’s not my intention to put a downer on anyone for having kids later (especially as it’s becoming more and more common now) Both my parents were 43 when they had me. My mum passed away when I was 23 and by the age of 30 I was a carer for my dad. I’m not against or judging people for having kids a bit later on in life at all, I just wanted to share my own reality of being the child of older parents.

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QueenDeeDeeDee@reddit

Not who you were asking but my dad was 44 when I was born and his age has never been an issue, I’ve never wished for a younger dad. He’s 74 now and my best friend still. It helps that he’s a young man at heart.

Only thing was being picked up from school people assumed he was my grandad but that never bothered me!

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Secure_Reflection409@reddit

I hope you don't need to work because babies in your 40s is particularly harsh when they decide to not sleep... for 6 months.

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Basic-Implement8080@reddit

I’m 33 and had my first 7 weeks ago.

Yes, the night feeds are hard, I’m up every 2-3 hours to feed her and when I feed her it’s a 30-40 minute job (10 mins to feed, a few to burp and 20 to keep her upright to help with reflux). Realistically I catch about an hour and a half between each feed. It sucks but it will suck no matter what your age is, I wouldn’t have found this any easier in my 20’s.

What is hard as an “older” parent is the restriction to your freedoms. I’m used to being able to be selfish and make decisions entirely based on what I feel like, to be spontaneous and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Loosing that is infinitely harder than the nights. For the first 4 weeks I was chained to my sofa recovering and feeding, getting outside for 10 minutes a day was an achievement. Now she’s 7 weeks old it’s a little easier but I still have to think about when she last fed, how long will she be in the pushchair/car seat, is there so where I can feed/changer her whilst I’m out. That’s a lot harder.

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Squeak_Stormborn@reddit

It's not always as easy to conceive as you think it's going to be. At the very least, if you aren't ready to try yet, get some basic fertility tests done so you both have an idea of where you stand.

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ArcticSailOx@reddit

FFS, it’s not about you it’s about the children, stop heehawing and just get on with it, it will be singularly the most amazing thing you do.

Put the right effort in and you won’t regret it.

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stiletto929@reddit

If everyone waited til they were completely ready to have kids, no one would ever have kids. Also, conception and pregnancy gets harder with age and the risk of complications goes up. My first pregnancy was labeled “geriatric” and my second was labeled “advanced maternal age.” Both required additional tests and ultrasounds. Fortunately the kids were ok.

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StuckWithThisOne@reddit

I’m 25 and my dad is 65. Ngl it does suck. I know that we don’t have as much time together as we should. I wish he’d been younger but such is life. However if he’d been even older it would’ve been harder.

Having the fear of my dad dying while I’m young has been with me since I was a young child. I’m also an only child which makes it worse. It’s not easy having an older parent.

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Beginning-Still-9855@reddit

We decided to have cats instead. Not necessarily the better or less stressful option, but cheaper university fees.

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MapOfIllHealth@reddit

As a 37yr old mum to a 6yr old, I recommend sooner rather than later. It’s hard on the body and the mind, especially for women, but also for men if they’re willing to help with night shifts. The older I get, the harder it gets.

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Organic_Ad4764@reddit

I’m not a parent, but I’m almost 28 and my dad is in his late 70s now (had me when he was 50). Whenever I tell people this, their immediate reaction is “oh! He had you late! What was it like?” assuming that I was pushing him around in a wheelchair as soon as I left the womb. All I remember from my childhood and teenage years is my dad running around with me, taking me swimming, taking me to parks, playing sports with me, carrying me around everywhere, dancing around with me etc. He had more energy than some of my classmates parents who were in their 30s!

You and your partner are still young and you are valid for thinking about pressure and time, it’s natural. But I would really advise to not let that be the reason to make such a big and important decision that you are not 100% comfortable with at this exact moment in time.

Again, I apologise for answering this as I’m not a parent myself, but I thought you might like to hear from the perspective of a child of older parents.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything :)

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Mysterious_Bite_3207@reddit

You're never ready

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twoquietsuns@reddit

dude you are never "ready" until about 1 year after you had the baby lol!
had ours at 36, now 48 with a 12 year old and wishing we had started earlier and had more..

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winebookscats@reddit

I was 38 when I had my first baby and a couple of weeks from my 40th birthday when I gave birth to baby 2. May husband is a few years younger than me, so we now have a 16yr old and 15yr old, with me being 55 and husband 50.

Wouldn't have changed a thing.

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HappyMarvin42@reddit

My wife and I had our one and only child at 45. The sleepless nights were hard, but I think that being older gave us more patience with the tyke.

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Faceratingthrowaway@reddit

Did anyone actually meet someone after being 30 and start a family? Give me your stories please I feel like time is running out (31M)

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Lloydrell@reddit

I met my husband when I was 33, married at 38 and had my daughters at 42 and 43.

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majaohalo@reddit

My Dad was 41 when he met my Mum!

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Muggerlugs@reddit

Met at 36, married at 40, baby at 42. Time isn’t running out!

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cosmicspaceowl@reddit

My socially awkward parents met in their 30s, and here I am (and they are still happily married).

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Clear-Molasses-8910@reddit

Time isn’t running out at all. We’re all on different timescales. 🩵

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Far-Bug-6985@reddit

I met my husband when he was 30 and we didn’t have a baby until just now and he’s 38! I work with a guy who’s 39 and met his wife at 37 and they had a baby just now also. I think especially for a man, time is more on your side!

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wardyms@reddit

There’s never a good time to have kids right? Our approach was wanting to buy a house first and then try.

We were really lucky that it happened for us almost instantly. For some of our friends I’ve seen the years of trying and IVF etc. so I’d suggest earlier is better.

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RecentTwo544@reddit

Controversial as it might seem, very different for men and women.

If you're a bloke, the clock really isn't ticking as much. I agree that Bernie Ecclestone having a kid at 89 is just insane. Even if he lives to 100 that kid is going to lose their dad before they even start high school. But that's extreme.

For women though it really is getting touch-and-go in your 40s, by your mid 40s you're basically playing with fire if you can even get pregnant at all.

As a "user" myself, and knowing older fathers who are also "users", top tip - testosterone injections. Now admittedly mine are due to low testosterone causing panic attacks and horrific anxiety, but I know guys who use "anabolic steroid" doses (the different between "steroids" and "TRT" is simply just dose) in their early 50s who are totally fine and have the energy of a 20 year old. And yes, they are perfectly healthy. I would recommend strongly against going over TRT doses much above 50 though.

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HeverAfter@reddit

A word of advice is that just because you decide to try doesn't mean that mother nature will provide. It's better done sooner rather than later.

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younevershouldnt@reddit

Word

Get your shit together and get on with it OP

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LaughingAtSalads@reddit

“Elderly primigravida” here. Do it now, because waiting for the right time means never. You’ll be 50 with a 10YO and your wife could be perimenopausal when your kid is in her or his teens. Don’t wait, and consider having just the one. (Someone will criticise you for however many kids you have.)

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LimeAccomplished6408@reddit

Why are you at 40 years old with a 30 year old?

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

Why not? What’s your issue?

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LimeAccomplished6408@reddit

The 10 year age gap sir, when you was 28 she turned 18

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

I guess you don’t get out much

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LimeAccomplished6408@reddit

What’s that meant to mean? That kind of age gap in the current generation is well not right

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

What does in the current generation mean? Who are you referring to?

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

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jess204@reddit

I had my first at 26 and second at 29, with the second medically complex. I’m so tired at 30 and I’m feeling older than my years at this point. If you’re going to do it, do it sooner rather than later!

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mystic-echoes@reddit

I’m 38, two kids, eldest is 15.

My opinion is that you are never truly ready. There is always some stumbling block that you could mental gymnastics to tell yourself you aren’t ready. Could be that you are due a promotion in 6-12 months, need to buy a new house, car is too small, big wedding anniversary that you don’t want to hinder.

On the other hand, have kids mate. They are absolutely wonderful! The whole world could fall apart around me, the wife and my kids, as long as we had a roof over our heads we would have an amazing time. The laughs we have over absolutely nothing is unreal.

It’s hard graft at any age, probably easier when you are younger. I couldn’t imagine doing the newborn thing now, work is too stressful to function properly without a decent sleep.

I think the NHS would already deem a 30yr old mother as ‘geriatric’. And if you want more than 1 child, she may be pushing 38-40 by the time number two comes along.

I’m looking forward to having my kids become adults before I’m 50. I will still have the income to be able to provide for them, rather than relying on savings and pension. If they have kids, I will be coming close to retirement to spend time with the grandkids.

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Upset_Mastodon7416@reddit

I'm 37 and the NHS hasn't mentioned my age once. It's definitely not 30, maybe in some trusts it's 35. At my trust, my age wouldn't move into the high-risk category until age 40 at conception.

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loranlily@reddit

It’s 35, but I just had my first baby at 37, and everyone told me that the thinking is shifting more towards 40.

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monkeyeatinggrapes@reddit

I’m 34f and my partner (m) is 44. We had our first baby (together) late last year. He’s awesome. We love it. My partner has a 12 y/o son too with his ex wife. He said it was way harder the first time round as he didn’t feel ready as all his friends were still partying , plus the baby slept awfully for years. But this time round he felt totally ready (like, he wasn’t missing out on anything else), and our baby has been an ‘easy’ baby and he says it’s been a so much smoother and easier experience this time. We both adore our little bab beyond measure

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bunnyswan@reddit

I am a parent but I'd love to speak to you from the kids perspective, my dad was 45 when I was born my mum 33 and now I'm 34 just had my 1st, my dad is 80 and is unlikely to be alive long enough for my daughter to really remember much of him. Sadly my mum has just retired and is looking at being my dad's carer and not being able to do a lot of what she wanted with her retirement. I didn't really consider this side of an age gap relationship till I'm not faced with it with my parents.

If I could go back I would have my daughter sooner, I love her and would like to have as many years together as possible. Plus I'd be a bit fitter they don't tell you with kids how much you have to get up from where you sat down

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jeminar@reddit

No-one is ever ready.

Sorry. Every parent is blagging it

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casandra77@reddit

You can never be ready. Nobody's ready. This is something life changing and unknown. The question is do you want a family or not, and even if you think ok let's do it, it may not even happen. If you want - look for opportunities. If you don't want - look for reasons not to.

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toadcat315@reddit

I'm 42/husband is 43. We have a 6yo and a nearly 2yo. We are very tired and I think this would have been easy to do at a younger age in the physical sense... But in terms of self knowledge and confidence I'm glad to be an older parent. I am also glad I got to do a bunch of stuff in my 20s-30s that is not accessible with young kids!

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TangerineOld8429@reddit

I was 38 and husband 42, when I got pregnant. Total accident, entirely my fault for being a lazy, horny troll after being away for work for a fortnight. Best thing that ever happened, had a delightful podgy baby, who is now a gorgeous, lovely, sweet natured young lady. It's a bit of a learning curve but we were both surprised how much we enjoyed the process after the initial shock. Just take it slow and don't stress, everything works out OK if you're patient and don't expect your lives to stay the same as it was pre baby. But you're just swapping old expectations for new sensations. Some will be difficult but most are lovely, just more expensive and limiting than you originally planned.

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Unpopular opinion but if you want to have children, it’s not just about you. Having older parents is great in some ways (financially, emotionally) but having a dad who can’t play football because he’s too tired or doesn’t have the patience because he’s getting grumpier with age, isn’t fun!

I’m not going to hammer home the dying whilst they’re still young, as I have no idea what your personal health is like, but if you are unhealthy/unlikely to live into your 80’s, then it’s a shame that you may not get to see your grandkids.

There are arguments for both, being young and being older, but in my opinion you can’t wait until it’s YOUR perfect timing. You need to consider your kids.

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banwe11@reddit

There are many younger parents who develop conditions or diseases that limit their energy, or they may sadly die when their kids are young. None of us know what's around the corner, young or old. I don't see this as a reason for older people to not have children.

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

I appreciate the sentiment however you are missing the point. The examples you are referencing is something that is not within the “young persons” control. However by choosing to delay parenting until a late age, you are creating a preventable situation

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Upstairs-Pension-634@reddit

In your opinion what is a "late age"?

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Socially? 40. Medically? (Maternally) 35.

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Upstairs-Pension-634@reddit

Advanced maternal age is not 35 anymore - it's classed as 40 for a start...

Why 40 socially?

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Medically 40 according to what?

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Upstairs-Pension-634@reddit

NHS trusts - some don't consider it until 45...

So why 40 socially?

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Lots of studies over the years have shown a decrease in fertility and an increase in the risk of health issues with pregnancies where the mother is over 35. So I’m going to stick with that.

As for socially, by the time a child is 18, you are going to be knocking on the door of 60. And as I previously mentioned, and without knowing anyone’s specific situation, most people are tired and ready to kick back by that age.

Of course, you do get your 60 year old marathon runners, but typically in the UK, this is factually not the norm.

So, in my opinion, I believe having a child beyond 40, you are reserving yourself (in most circumstances) to the fact that by the time your child reaches 18, you are going to be nearing retirement age and you may not be as fit and able as someone who had children at 30, let’s say.

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cityfrm@reddit

Data on aneuploidy doesn't show this at all. Actually, womens fertility is very stable between 30 and 35, and the increase in aneuploidy is minimal till age 37, and slowly declines to 40. Only after 40 is the decline steeper. Male fertility is more of an issue in terms of DNA fragmentation, but with good lifestyle and no physical abnormality, fertility remains good for most couples for some time beyond age 35. Accurate interpretation of stats shows the increased risks in pregnancy are minimal, and unlikely to occur at the individual level.

Your own brain is only just fully developed this year, so you can't quite appreciate the silliness of your claims that a 50 something is too grumpy and old to kick a ball around or that 58 year old is near retirement. Bless you and your youth, I hope you won't prematurely age to be the grumpy doddering gits you speak of, and you'll also have a chuckle at the young ens and their short-sighted comments in future.

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Meow 😆😆

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

My brain is developed enough to not let strangers on the internet get me all riled up, would you let me know when yours gets there? I hope it’s soon!

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Upstairs-Pension-634@reddit

Actually the data and more recent studies are showing that it's not the case. As someone who is 37 and has a 7 month old I asked this exact question to my obstetric consultant as I took had to misconception that over 35 made me "geriatric" - this was the answer she gave.

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Fair enough! Just not the case according to a lot of studies I’ve read but happy you got your healthy baby! Congrats!

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hocfutuis@reddit

Coming from a family with a disproportionate amount of younger widows, myself included, I agree. You never know when or how death will happen, and it doesn't give a shit if you have kids or not.

Personally, I wouldn't say 30 and 40 were too old, but, if you still don't think you've 'lived' enough at that age, then you probably aren't mature enough.

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Also, just to add. I am 25 (currently pregnant) and getting pregnant isn’t a walk in the park, even at this age. There is a very big misconception that when you decide to have kids, you’ll get one then. But majority of the time that isn’t how it works (unfortunately this only becomes more true as maternal age rises). It could take you one month if you’re lucky (and rare) but it could also take up to a year to even get pregnant. So I’d get your skates on!

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cosmicspaceowl@reddit

Oh yeah. When you're a teenager they tell you you can get pregnant if you so much as let a boy look at you funny. When you're in your 30s looking around the waiting room at the IVF clinic you realise how far from true that can be.

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sookietea@reddit

This should be higher up! Younger people are physically more up for chasing around after kids, older are mentally (and possibly financially) more prepared for it but there is no getting around the fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in baby loss and the older you are the chances are higher. If you get pregnant in the first place. Plus the complications, bigger risk of adverse health conditions for the both mum and baby. Only you can decide if it’s worth the risk.

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shuffling_crabwise@reddit

Yup, started trying in my 20s, didn't get a kid until my 30s...took around 5 years.

Plus for the woman, you get increased risk of complications (mother and baby) as you get older.

It's very hard to decide. It's such a huge thing, it's hard to ever feel ready (even while pregnant with my very wanted baby, I still had a few "what am I doooooouing" moments). There's never a perfect time, but if you're both certain you want kids and you're in a stable situation, I'd say take the leap!

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Civil-Koala-8899@reddit

Yup I’m 30 and currently trying, and this was not a fun realisation. I’m only on month 4 of trying but it’s already getting really frustrating!

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DependentBrilliant92@reddit

Sending heaps of baby dust your way! It happened on month 5 for us the first time (sadly baby didn’t make it earth side!) and then month 4 the second time! So hopefully not long till you get your little bundle 😍

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cityfrm@reddit

Read and discuss parenting topics before TTC, get on the same page, and discuss how you'll parent together. Each person's expectations and how you'll help one another through challenges. For reference, I didn't get a full night's sleep for over 3.5 years. Talking it all through will make it much easier for when you're old and tired with kids. So many end up divorced because they just can't handle the sleep deprivation and resentment as they just cannot work it out.

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childofzephyr@reddit

If you really want kids, adopt.

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idontlikemondays321@reddit

Book a few things into your diary. Really enjoy being together a couple and then after you’ll either want to continue as you are or have gotten it out of your system. Either way you’ll know

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Worried_Sandwich9456@reddit

Your sperm could be quite degraded by now. Older sperm is responsible for infertility, miscarriages, birth defects and increasingly linked to schizophrenia and other brain disorders. I would recommend getting tested for sperm motility and quality before inflicting it on a baby or your wife. DNA fragmentation occurs after 35 and after 40 it declines much more rapidly.

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Clear-Molasses-8910@reddit

Inflicting is a little harsh…

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RubApprehensive2219@reddit

No, they aren't wanting more time because they aren't ready for what they believe to be a normal healthy baby. They are never going to manage a disabled baby.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

Inferring from your post that you are a man, there isn't much to worry about. Your fertility should hold steady, and she probably has 5-8yrs to dilly dally if she needs it. Although on her side, the sooner the better, in terms of her & the babies well-being.

If you are stressing though, I think you can even get at home fertility tests (for you). She can have a screening for her clutch of eggs!

You can make choices now as of now though, to improve your health and therefore chances.

Good luck! But also, if you don't want to go through with the whole parent thing, that is too a valid option 🙌🏼💘

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cosmicspaceowl@reddit

I strongly advise against dilly dallying until she's 38. If having kids is important to you, I can personally vouch for 38 not being an enjoyable age to find out your egg reserves are nearly gone.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

Although on her side, the sooner the better, in terms of her & the babies well-being

Yes.

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Nitassa@reddit

We’re 37. Out boy is 4 and I personally am absolutely knackered on a daily basis. He’s our world, and I’m very happy we got to enjoy our young years, but I always wondered how different would have been to have him earlier.

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totesboredom@reddit

If you are planning to do it regardless, then get on and do it now.

Parenting is exhausting, but it will be worse the longer you wait. So... Stop talking about it.

Also, with getting older, be prepared that it may not happen straight away...

So... Off you go. Go f*k

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RubApprehensive2219@reddit

Your sperm starts degrading at 30, as does your wife's eggs. At 40 you have an increased chance of passing on cardiovascular issues, autism, birth defects, schizophrenia, birth complications, bipolar, childhood cancer to name a few.

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Commercial_Level_615@reddit

I'm mid forties and my kids are aged between 7 and 18 now, and I still find it tiring, but that's with three. The first 18 months or so are exhausting but obviously worth it. I remember thinking on my last wow this is definitely the last time I could cope with being this tired at this age, but I do work tough shifts in quite a tiring job. I would honestly say don't leave it too much later.

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CrowApprehensive204@reddit

My b-i-l was adamant he didn't want kids, it broke his first marriage up. Remarried, she also didn't want kids, until eight years later she did, he couldn't face another divorce so begrudgingly went ahead with having a baby, she came along when he was 42. He loves being a dad, absolutely loves it, their girls are now 13 and 10 and he wishes he had started earlier because he would have had more energy.

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theresabearonmychair@reddit

I’m 39 and my partner is 47 and we’re expecting baby 4. This has actually been the easiest pregnancy (so far!). I’ve not been sick, just a little tired, and managing to renovate our house in between resting. Paternal age is also important when it comes to making a child, so make sure you keep yourself healthy too in the lead up to trying for a baby, it’s not just the woman who needs to be looking after herself!

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VirtualServe9421@reddit

I'm 52 with a 9 and 7 year old. I'm older than most of their peer dads, sure. But I'm also more confident, wealthier and more stable than I would have been at their age. Wife is 40, which helps as she has more energy than me!

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Goodbyecaution@reddit

I don’t want to be all doom-mongery but just factor in some extra time for your mrs to conceive. We started trying when I was 30 turning 31 and 2 miscarriages really set me back physically and emotionally. Needed a long break after number 2. Hopefully you’re not that unlucky. Expecting/hoping pregnancy number 3 will come full term. Good luck!

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Aromatic_Tourist4676@reddit

Sounds like you’re coming to terms with some heavy stuff, well done! Acknowledgment is part of the process, you’re moving through the pain, you are facing it. I know it hurts but you will move on. Look for what’s going well (even the tiniest things) and focus on them and run them over and over in your mind. You deserve to feel great.

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EntertainerKitchen50@reddit

Whilst your partner isn’t, you are middle aged and having the baby ASAP is a good idea. I’ve know people who had major health problems in their 50s and had the added stress of a young family to support. When it happens it’s not pretty. I’m also not seeing mentioned here the issue of mental flexibility when you have kids late. You might be physically fit but without realising it you have probably got quite set in your ways as you have aged. Accommodating the cyclone that is a baby into your settled life can be very difficult for some people.

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Rumhampolicy@reddit

Well this has made me feel crappy 😕

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GinBitch@reddit

You should only have them when you're ready. That said, I would prefer to be younger than I am chasing a little one around.

Keep yourself fit and well, and do it when it feels right .

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Enough-Branch6454@reddit

we were 35(f) and 39(m) when our daughter was born. it was rough, but mainly because she was born in lockdown, not because of our ages specifically. she's the absolute love of our lives. if we'd had a child when we were younger it would have been a different child - the slightest change in the egg or sperm and she would have been someone else. the child you end up having (if you ultimately decide that's what you want) will be the perfect child for you.
Another perspective to think about is the child's. My own my mother was 34 and my father was 43 when I was born and while he's completely bonkers at 81, mum's amazing at 72. We're very close, and I don't think I lost out having older parents.

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know-need@reddit

I’m 47, with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I think I’m better equipped now to raise kids than I was when I was younger, because I’m less egotistical and selfish and inconsiderate and poverty stricken than I used to be. Is it ridiculously hard at this age? Yep. But I think it would have been even harder for me if it had happened earlier. And it’s the only thing I’ve ever done that means anything and I wouldn’t change it for the world, etc etc, soppy cliches galore but they’re all true. So I should be a cheerleader for holding on until you feel more ready to really give the most to it (and get the most from it), even if that’s kinda late into the game, because it has worked out well for us. However, I would advise getting on with it asap, to be frank. A lot can go wrong with your journey to parenthood, the road can turn out to be long, and if so it’ll demand real perseverance and resilience and luck and time along the way. It’s common for things not to be as straightforward as “ok, now! - 9 or 10 months later: baby”. We can’t take anything for granted, sadly.

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Anaptyso@reddit

I had my first at 31, and just had my second six months ago at 44.

It's definitely a bit different. I've noticed feeling a bit more tired this time round, and I pulled my back last week picking the baby up! Mostly though it's fine. Those disturbed nights feel a bit rubbish however old you are, and the the good moments feel just as good.

I think it's far more important to be mentally ready than be at some arbitrary ideal age. If that point for you is 40 rather than 25 then go for it. Most of the effort of being a parent is mental rather than physical anyway.

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OtherwiseCellist3819@reddit

Just come off contraception and see what happens. Im a very very firm believer of youll never truly be ready and you just have to kind of roll with it once it happens.

This way you can have some time having fun with it before you may have to start timing and taking ovulation tests etc

Im 40 with an almost 1 year old (massive massive surprise baby but love my little curveball to death)

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

massive massive surprise baby

This always makes me chuckle, when people are like "wooops, a baby!".

Fucking between fertile men and women can result in procreation and that shouldn't be a massive surprise 🥴

If you were a woman exclusively having sex with other women - #then I'd be surprised!

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OtherwiseCellist3819@reddit

Alright it was a possibility. But I was on contraception. We were both on insane hours at work so doing the deed was rare, and I was nearly 40. It wasn't on our radar AT ALL

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zedexcelle@reddit

I had 2 in my thirties and one at 40, one at 42. Husband a bit older. Is fine. I work for myself so didn't change anything except sleep at weird hours. Having a who does what in the night is essential. We had two hour shifts.

Lots of people around here had them really young, and are now grandparents at only 5 years older than me! I have a set of teens and a set of primary school kids now which is also happily not uncommon around here.

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

That’s reassuring, thank you

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Mandalabouquet@reddit

I had 2 under 2 by the age of 23.. breezed it.

I now have a 1 yo at the age of 38, husband is 39, fuck me it’s brutal. Everything is just.. harder. More pregnancy complications, the birth recovery, the broken sleep, the knowing that I’ll barely get a moment to myself for the next few years.

Also my mum had me at 24 but she died at 56.

Don’t wait.

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Gloomy_Mushroom_1715@reddit

I am in my late 20s, my dad is is 46 and my son is 4 - so not far off your age.

Being with my son for a day knocks my dad out, he takes a very long nap after he visits and he honestly struggles with him alone for more than a day if they have him for the weekend and my mum has to work.

However, he has been there done it with 2 kids, settled down childfree for a year since my sister went to uni, and is now back in toddler mode. It may be easier for you because it'll be your constant, your body will adapt.

I am 27 and I am exhausted though so good luck lol

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

I had my kids at 34 and 37 and their dad was 47 and 50. It’s fine. He’s pretty tired, I’m tired but he’s very tired. It’s the main drawback. We’re much more financially sorted than we would have been earlier, which makes our family life much more enjoyable. The only thing that does pop into my mind is that my kids won’t have their father as long as many other people do. He may not meet his grandkids, if we get them at all. Still, we’ll just enjoy the next 30-35 years together and give our kids the best start we can. We’re enjoying our family.

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Specific_Buy8436@reddit

What are you waiting for? Why do you not feel ready?

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

I think we’re just scared we’re not ready, not sure what when we will be ready though!

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Specific_Buy8436@reddit

Yeah I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.

I had my first at 30 and I didn’t feel ready. Zero regrets though, I love being a parent.

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Connect-County-2435@reddit

I'm 51 and my wife is 54. We have a 7 year old together.

We've been together 14 years but from previous relationships she has kids in their 20s & 30s, I have one in 20s & one in late teens. And yes, it's more tiring this time around.

We call the 7 year old 'the unexpected gift'. One reason I'm likely to retire at 63 rather than 60! Still a win I guess.

Still, count our blessings as she nearly died in COVID ages 20 months - underlying condition we didn't know she had, couldn't control her body temperature so her body tried to shut itself down. 3 hours in resuscitation was a scary time.

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eren3141@reddit

My mum had me at 39 and there were definitely downsides but a lot of upsides too. I think the answer is what you already know: that the earlier the better in a lot of respects but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.

Not a fan of all the comments telling you to just have one now, why wait, etc. It’s better to have a kid who will have older parents than a kid who is resented or neglected because their parents had them despite knowing they weren’t in the right situation to.

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OkRefrigerator107@reddit (OP)

Thank you 🙏

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Cele5tialN0mad@reddit

Mid 40’s first time Dad. Now going for 3rd.

It is hard work but your general health and fitness are important. Make them as good now when you have the time.

Good advice for anyone but esp those about to become parents, drink less alcohol, eat better food and exercise.

I think I’m a better dad now than I would have been when I was younger. More patience, less other distractions etc.

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Cele5tialN0mad@reddit

Just read some more about the sleepless nights.

Yeah, you get them but will depend on your kid as well.

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ilovefireengines@reddit

Honestly you’re never ready, even when they get here it’s a constant change, they change, you change, and you’re never ready enough for the next change!

You don’t say how long you’ve been together, nor why you feel you aren’t ready. Maybe that would help you understand why you aren’t ready.

I will say that my parents were also in their late 30s when they had me, I was mid to late 30s with my kids. Unfortunately it’s meant that my parents didn’t last that long after my kids were born, so my kids have no memory of them. Luckily my in laws were much younger when they had my husband and they are fit and healthy and a great support for my kids and me.

Older is harder physically as those sleepless nights don’t get any easier, also however fit you are, running around after energetic toddlers is exhausting as you get older. The positive is that I feel mentally better equipped and financially more stable provide things I couldn’t have done in my 20s. But 30s is much easier than 40s!

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snarkycrumpet@reddit

we've done loads of stuff that's fun with our children. once they are older than, say, 10 you can go pretty much anywhere and it's like going with your best mates. honestly I'd rather go with my spouse and teens than with my friends, or just with my spouse. it's not to say they aren't annoying at times. but on holiday or while traveling they are pretty awesome. if that's holding you back, because you think you can only go to Centerparcs until they are 18, that's not true.

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Interesting-Day-2472@reddit

I had my son at 36 and his dad was 39 .. He is no longer involved .

Lots of comments about the early years .. The teenage years are tougher as an older parent . Mix menopause and puberty - that is a perfect storm .

So you are not too old but there is a time pressure - female fertility does drop through the 30’s . You have no idea how hard/ easy it will be to get pregnant.

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KelpFox05@reddit

My mum was 32 when I was born (although my dad was 27). I never once felt like my childhood was meaningfully different to anybody else's because of their age. If giving it a few more years means giving your children more emotionally mature, financially secure, educated, prepared parents - wait.

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r_keel_esq@reddit

A friend of mind had her first child via sperm-donor shortly before she turned 40.

She knew she wanted to be a mother, despite her last long-term relationship failing, so went via this route instead. She has zero regrets and is loving life

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Gaffra@reddit

Older parent here. Take your time, or the old saying is, “no one is really ever ready to have a baby” (even when they think they are). Let it just happen if you feel that your marriage is solid.

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QuietBirdsong@reddit

You need to watch this https://youtu.be/8u-NYRyDPrc?si=A5id50BxzA_ZLzE1

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reticulatedbanana@reddit

My kids’ ages range from 1 to 20yrs old

I am 38.

My last pregnancy was by far the worst, I was working 45hrs a week, running around after the other four kids/teens, and wished I was in my 20s again!

The physical bit is hard, but I feel like my youngest has a much wiser, calmer parent.

It’ll be fine, just go for it.

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Fickle_Hope2574@reddit

The oldest mother was 74 when she gave birth to twins.

I'll just leave it at that

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SpiceGirl2021@reddit

Younger the better!

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NoFuel6380@reddit

I think you're worrying too much about your age. My grandfather had my dad fairly late and was in his 70s when I was around 9-13 and was very active with me even then, football, cricket, fishing, hiking and camping. As long as you look after yourself and stay fit and active you'll be fine. I imagine people will live a lot longer and healthier lives in the next 40 years with advances in medicine/healthcare.

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SmokeStatus1593@reddit

You’ll never be ready. As long as you are financially sound just do it now.

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Kind-Blackberry-6221@reddit

I'm 10 years younger than my husband (he's mid 40's) and we have a 4yo and a baby. Both very much wanted and loved, but Jesus Christ it's hard work for both of us. My husband definitely underestimated it I think. We're not too bad regarding sleepless nights, I've always chosen to do the majority of the night wakes with both of them, only since the baby arrived has he had to get up to the older one. Our friends all have kids, especially slightly older kids, so the expectation to be available to go out or do stuff on weekends just isn't there, and we don't feel like we're missing out on life. I wouldn't have wanted them earlier in a way though. We've done the big trips we wanted to, we've saved money, we got married, we have a nice house etc, we can give them a good life, and we were ready for this step. Nothing can prepare you though, kids are awesome but it's definitely next level crazy at times.

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JusticeBeaver464@reddit

I’m so glad I didn’t have kids in my 20s or even early 30s. I travelled, I dicked around, I enjoyed myself. And my spouse and I established our careers and settled down in a beautiful house in a quiet village with a great boring community around us. We wouldn’t be here if we’d had kids earlier, I’m glad we waited.

And 30 for a female still has plenty of time. I believe the advice is to freeze eggs by 35 if she plans to wait longer than that (but I don’t have experience there so I’m not sure).

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nibor@reddit

I (50M) had my first child at 42 and my wife was 29.

I wuld not change a thing but we should have had kids younger.

it is tiring to have kids

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unbelievablydull82@reddit

I have three teenagers, the eldest is 18, youngest is 14. I'm a 43 year old dad. All of my kids are autistic and have ADHD too. It's exhausting. I haven't worked in nearly 20 years, put on a ton of weight not being able to concentrate on myself, and have no friends..My wife and I also don't go on dates, or spend time together. Of course I love all of them, and watching them grow into the people they are is wonderful, but make no mistake, it's incredibly difficult

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Tildatots@reddit

Not an older parent but my mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when she has my sister. She’s in her late sixties now and was marathons a couple of years after were born!

My brother and his wife had their second when he was 42 and she was 40. I think they’re both feeling it compared to the first they had at 34/35, but again I feel like people age so differently these days

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