Anon goes outside | TheaterFire

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Reading_username@reddit

Became a dad a few years ago.

Right as my first child exited the womb I felt a tingling in my feet. I looked down and saw my shoes were warping and changing color, and seconds later I was wearing white new balance sneakers.

Ever since then I've been filled with an overwhelming angst for the time 5-8 years from now, when I can wake up my kids at the sliver of dawn and make them slave away over a hot lawnmower. I yearn to crack open a cold one and lounge in my cargo shorts while they sweat in the early day heat.

They say fatherhood changes you. They never said it would feel this good.

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boxxybrownn@reddit

It's looped back around and now zoomers think New Balance are cool shoes, they really are just another round of boomers to deal with.

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Eerayo@reddit

My man, I long for the dark winter nights when my car inevitably breaks down and I have to yell at my son for holding the flashlight wrong.

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LemonFlavoredMelon@reddit

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charcoallition@reddit

You should be a writer. That was some creative imagery.

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Abdul-Wahab6@reddit

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Andylanta@reddit

Your kids are gonna make you lick that lint.

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soiboi64@reddit

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Letters_to_Dionysus@reddit

you know what? real.

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FHAT_BRANDHO@reddit

Summer is like biologically and sensorily the absolute worst time to spend time outside and we have all been tricked into thinking its like prime outdoors time. It fucking sucks.

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SteveFrench12@reddit

Nah it used to be fine. In ny it would be 90-95 for like ten days the rest of the time it was like 80-85 which is not bad. And this is in nyc where its always a couple of degrees hotter. Climate change has mad summer unbearable

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FHAT_BRANDHO@reddit

I do remember it being ok up till I was about like 15 or 16 maybe

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SteveFrench12@reddit

I used to go to sleep away camp with no a/c or anything and as far as i remember it was a pretty nice temp most of the summer.

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whynotlaptop@reddit

Back up for me brother.

In New York, as in, one of the most northern states in America.

I've been unfortunate enough to live in various Southern states. 8 months of the year are Summer where the temperature is usually over 100. The rest of the year is fall, between 95-70.

Summer used to be bearable maybe states as far north as NY, but down here it's an inescapable hell

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Micro_Punk@reddit

Biologically it's the best time, if you want to develop an immune system

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FHAT_BRANDHO@reddit

Sorry, I was referring more to sunburn but this is an excellent point

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2FLY2TRY@reddit

Sounds like a northern european problem, the rest of the world evolved to actually enjoy the sunshine

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halpfulhinderance@reddit

Yeah this reeks of “there’s something wrong with my child, I’ll fix him by making him suffer how I did”

Tbf, I do feel like yard work builds character, a little bit? But in me it mostly built a determination to never own a yard

Fuck the French for inventing lawns, and fuck Jefferson for bringing it over. Yards should be filled with trees, the way God intended

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Math701s@reddit

We should all have forests filled with whimsical creatures and fairies instead of just some boring ass grass.

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Mmaximuskeksimus@reddit

I'd rather rake leaves than mow grass. Leaf piles can actually be played with by my children and raking them isn't loud as fuck

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5Hjsdnujhdfu8nubi@reddit

You wouldn't even need to rake if residential areas were full of trees and forested regions. Leaf litter would just be an expected part of the scenery in place of grass lawns or would be quickly broken down by the environment.

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Mmaximuskeksimus@reddit

Yeah but if you live in certain areas you might be required to collect into a composter

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fradddd@reddit

fuck the sun

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Round-Pound-7739@reddit

“I don’t know why you’re inviting your friend over, you’re gonna be helping me with the yard alllll day” - asshole stepdad informing me of impromptu yard chores

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bartholomewjohnson@reddit (OP)

Well now you've got someone else to do yard work with you, so you only have to work half as hard

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THEPIGWHODIDIT@reddit

The kind of parent that sees a child as free labour. They will also wonder why their kid never calls them

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torolf_212@reddit

The point is to teach your kid how to do basic household chores like pulling weeds so that when they grow up they can function in the real world.

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THEPIGWHODIDIT@reddit

Being able to teach them without them resenting every part of it is part of being a decent parent

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Future49@reddit

Meh, I didn’t wanna learn any of the shit my parents wanted me to do.

IE change oil, work on breaks, fix lawn mower, put the deck together etc. I was always annoyed and upset I had to deal with it.

Now as an adult I’m extremely appreciative, but as I kid I resented them forsure.

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CailHancer@reddit

Bro unless your kid also has a garden when the fuck is that gonna come into play?

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Mmaximuskeksimus@reddit

As if any of us can afford houses with yards now...

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TheOnlyBliebervik@reddit

Not all work is fun. Kids should learn this

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ChoiceFudge3662@reddit

Sounds fucking miserable

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bartholomewjohnson@reddit (OP)

Kids should have to do chores to learn some responsibility. And sometimes they need to be told to do them because if you didn't tell them they'd never do them. But yeah I don't see a reason not to let them go inside once their outside chores are done.

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ChoiceFudge3662@reddit

It’s not even the chores, it’s the dumb shit like making OOP stay outside until everyone finishes eating, freaking out at your kid just because they stopped doing a task, it reeks of projecting their shitty childhood onto their own child and furthering a terrible cycle.

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BrainArson@reddit

I thought the same. Or they're hiding something.

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Scarytoaster1809@reddit

Hopefully Anon grows to be a stronger person than his parents are.

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PauL__McShARtneY@reddit

Akshully, the whole pasta reads like anon's parents were trying to get laid occasionally, and would pry him away from the gaming console for a few hours and fuck him off out of the house so they could attempt to luxuriate and shit.

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dafangalator@reddit

God you’re incapable of reading. His parents were with him the whole time. Are you regarded?

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PauL__McShARtneY@reddit

They were grooming him, trying to prepare him for a time when he would one day be scarily left alone to handle garden work and being IRL solo.a

A stage I'm guessing you haven't yet reached yourself sparkles, and you still get #triggered if you spend more than 20 minutes away from your fucking tanagotchi, catgirl anime porn and pokemon console for 6 year olds.

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StrengthfromDeath@reddit

I think a lot boomer parents have good intentions but are too autistic to realize that forcing their kids to "enjoy the outdoors" and screaming when the kids aren't doing it right is exactly the reason that the kids don't want to go outside. It should be treated as relaxing with the family, not a fucking prison warden who HAS TO make sure the inmates get their alloted yard time.

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ChoiceFudge3662@reddit

Yeah I’m really glad I’m white and can just tell my mom to fuck off when she tried to make me do something stupid

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StrengthfromDeath@reddit

Sounds like you're just an asshole retaliating to asshole parents. It really doesn't matter where you're from. This is a universal human experience.

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SpaceBug176@reddit

So real. My mom owns a shop where she'd make me work and my experience is basically the same. Like it wasn't really a hard job or anything, but I hated it because she'd get mad at anything I did because I was doing something wrong apparently. Luckily these days there isn't much work so I don't need to help.

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Reptilesblade@reddit

My mom used to force all five of us kids to work in her three massive flower beds when we were teenagers. It absolutely made me hate any kind of gardening work and I have actively tried to have nothing to do with plant husbandry in 25 years since I told her I won't do it anymore when I turned 20. I was just the first to go. My sister is the only one of us five that likes to garden, but she's basically my mom remade so that makes sense.

Fuck wasting entire days outside being miserable just to try to make your home pretty to impress people you don't know and who don't think or care about you.

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Mmaximuskeksimus@reddit

If the garden needs constant work all day from 6 people than it isn't a good garden and should be replanned. (And the person making it isn't a good gardrner either)

Plants are mostly self sufficent, they have their own immune system, they grow on their own, they just need to be planted in the right place and given a bit of help if something unexpected happens. Good gardens place types of plants near each other wich help and reinforce each other, also if you gonna plant water jeavy plants where you shouldn't at least get sprinklers, and plants that need to be moved indoors every bloody winter needs to be kept to a minimum.

A garden is a place of relaxation not a slave plantation. I've seen so many boomers plant exotic shit they know nothing about to places they shouldn't plant them, only to constantly work on maintaining them in absolute futility, and when it dies they replant them on a yearly basis, than do this exact thing with all the plants in their gardens until they and their kids have no more free time at all... and they somehow think they are being productive, while they waste water, fertilizer, rare plants, and everyone's time. If your garden looks the best after you worked on it and not weeks later you did it wrong.

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Reptilesblade@reddit

It would be at least a monthly thing in all the non-winter months and it was constant weeding, planting, and replanting. And it would take us all like two or three days to bring all the plants back inside for the winter where they would be downstairs with us 3 boys and the rest of the shit they hoarded and didn't really care about being completely ignored and sitting there in our way and stinking up the whole basement with soured water.

The plants chosen in my Mom's garden were always specifically chosen only on esthetics. And pretty much every one that wasn't brought inside for the winter died and it had to all be redone starting the next year. We're talking like close to 100 fucking individual plants here. But yeah you basically nailed it.

Fuck all of that pure Boomer nonsense!

Literally the only plants I've had in like 25 years since I got away from Mom's garden was last year when I tried to grow a couple of weed plants legally just to see if I could give it out to my friends. And that was like 3three plants in a grow tent inside the house, not outside. The first crop was eaten by the cat and the second crop just died on its own. And I don't fucking care. I gave all my gear to my uncle so he could try to grow some next year after he recovers from his knee surgery. Because he uses it for pain legally.

At this time I have virtually no intention of trying again. That bridge was burned in the fucking 90's.

And my sister has basically two flower gardens like moms and she doesn't have to put in even half of the manual work that we all had to with Mom's nonsense. She's way better at it. I suspect because she learned from a lot of Mom's mistakes.

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JustforRocketLeague@reddit

Humans: lived outside for 100k years
Human ancestors: lived outside for 3,000,000,000 years
Normal humans: go outside and enjoy the sunlight
This pathetic excuse for a being: OMG bugggssssss! Waaaaah

Preemptive thanks for removing yourself from the gene pool

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Sergeant_Autism@reddit

I have a feeling that you're the kind of guy that romanticises the mediaeval peasant lifestyle

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RedditModsSuckTaints@reddit

Sounds like a pretty fucking great day to me. Get to be outside with your parents, get some sun and exercise, eat a home cooked meal.

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Mmaximuskeksimus@reddit

You left out the part where you get yelled at for ever taking a 5 minute rest, or sho away a hornet

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Firm_Equivalent_4597@reddit

The fact that this is downvoted is so funny to me

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Mysterious_Lab_9043@reddit

Am I the only one who sees this as a way to fuck all day freely without having the kid at home? Basically your parents got horny and kicked you out buddy.

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Firm_Equivalent_4597@reddit

Anon, speaking as a parent, you probably were doing it wrong. Just struggling all regarded tearing out the weed leaves. You got to get the root, dumbass. Then annoying shrieking because a bee flew past you, I’d ground you too. Lucky they gave you dinner.

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thegrodyknudclump@reddit

Based

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skippydingelchaIk@reddit

1/10 ragebait

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stillphat@reddit

he's right tho. You gotta show kids how to do some chores for them to do it right, but if the kid is being intentionally stupid like panicking at seeing a wasp, it'd be annoying.

Give kids chores but show them how it's done.

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