[-]

Final-Credit-7769@reddit

My sister in law got a package of ashes sent to her by Amazon labeled “human remains” no one took that one !

[-]

Aware-Influence-8622@reddit

The wrong kind of electronics. Like if you think they love Samsung, order an IPhone and they’ll be SO mad lol.

[-]

rockstarsmooth@reddit

The answer is right there in your question: piss discs!

[-]

Deeyoukayee@reddit

Counterfeit money!!! They'll try spend it and pick up a felony. You won't have packages stolen for a period of time which should strangely coincide with their arrest and incarceration.

[-]

earthgreen10@reddit (OP)

How do I get real looking counterfeit money? And if I do get real looking, isn’t that illegal to obtain?

[-]

correctingStupid@reddit

Don't do this. Do you think the secret service will stop the investigation at them? They will trace it back you you and you will be charged too.

[-]

virtualadept@reddit

They will. They'll go back to the source. If the porch pirates get caught, they'll go rabid weasel and finger OP.

[-]

JerkyMcFuckface@reddit

Are there other actions a person could take to get fingered? Asking for a friend.

[-]

Deeyoukayee@reddit

Metaphorically? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally?

Dry? With lube?

1 finger? 2 finger? 3 finger?

Left hand? Right hand?

[-]

Excel_User_1977@reddit

One finger = medical
Two fingers = *Magical !*

[-]

_robmillion_@reddit

Maybe, but if the porch pirates get caught, what are they gonna say? They stole a package and it had counterfeit money in it? Even if they do say that, it sounds like absolute bullshit.

And if the coppers come nosing around at OP's house, just say "I didn't have any packages stolen."

That being said, I don't know where you would get counterfeit money in the first place.

[-]

what package?

gif

[-]

Avocado_puppy@reddit

Like I'm going to withdraw a real $1,000 for my kids crappy YouTube channel. That was fake money on purpose

[-]

Vandreeson@reddit

You can buy prop money. There are several websites. It will say for motion picture use only.

[-]

NAL but my understanding is that possession of counterfeit money is only illegal if you have an intent to defraud someone with it. Whether placing it in a package you know will be stolen could rise to an intent to defraud I’ll leave up to someone more knowledgeable.

[-]

maybethisisadream@reddit

Yes, this is almost as dumb as the smallpox blanket idea

[-]

Vandreeson@reddit

You can buy prop money. There are several websites. It will say for motion picture use only.

[-]

Deeyoukayee@reddit

You asked for unethical!!! Legality of things cross that ethical boundary.... well, it depends on your ethics!

You can get anything off the internet these days, fake name, purchase through crypto, package will hit your doorstep, they take package win.... if the package gets intercepted by po po... there should be no trail to you... send yourself some weird Chinese plant seeds and a shit load of temu.... your address must have been compromised 🤷

[-]

BillDauterive4@reddit

This. If all you do is piss them off, they already know where you live. But if they stole something like ammo, you'd have to get the ATF involved, and that felony charge would keep them away for a while.

[-]

Hener001@reddit

Brilliant. Order ammo over the mails and if it is stolen it is a firearms charge on top of a felony mail theft. If the thief has a record it counts against any 3 Strikes laws. If the thief has a protective order or is on parole prohibiting firearms ownership, there will be some potential jail time.

[-]

vanillaninja777@reddit

Just have to figure out who it is first

[-]

TheIronSoldier2@reddit

There's the real ULPT

[-]

RichardBeertails@reddit

Bowl of diarrhea. Absolutely no way thats gonna end well for anyone who takes it.

[-]

Fluid-Tip-5964@reddit

Find some rubber based offset printing ink. Put just a little (0.1 gram) on an electronic device that they will handle to inspect. You don't want them to notice the ink until they get a chance to spread it around. It won't dry and a dab will contaminate an incomprehensible surface area. Bonus if can put it on a door handle or knob.

[-]

JustScrollOnBy@reddit

I hate you.

I managed the digital print division of a print shop. Offset printing ink is the spawn of Satan. I stayed away from that area of production. Not gonna lie, I did laugh hysterically when one of the press operators got a "jackpot"!

[-]

dirtymoney@reddit

Carefully cut up a bunch of poison ivy so it is unrecognizable and then put $5 in ones mixed in so they have to dig to get them out.

[-]

JustScrollOnBy@reddit

Satan has entered the building

[-]

SaintsAngel13@reddit

Now this is diabolical...I like it

[-]

Jasonlurker@reddit

your weekly trash bag inside an amazon box

[-]

Yakker65@reddit

Roaches

[-]

JackReacharounnd@reddit

Buy a box that attaches to your house and stays open til the driver closes it and then it locks.

Also, pay someone to hide n wait n follow them home n whoop their ass n rob them.

[-]

sirrobryder@reddit

Put a box of cat poop in front of your door in the box. Hide across the street. When they come to steal your package, now is your chance put Vaseline all over their windshield, put a chain with a lock through the rim of one of the tires, or just steal the keys out of there running vehicle and throw them

I personally would have a face to face meeting with said individual. The outcome for them would not be great, but still alive.

[-]

Icamp2cook@reddit

You’re inspiring. Get a 3 foot link of heavy chain. A 500lb magnet. Mate. Attach to differential. The first rotation will be slow enough to prevent it from dislodging. But the next few… WHAP WHAP WHAP followed by WTF. It will stay hidden until they reverse. WHAP WHAP WHAP. WTF. Pull forward. WHAP WHAP WHAP. I think I’m going to remove the No Soliciting sign at the front of my neighborhood, they have to park somewhere.

[-]

DustoftheWing@reddit

Powdered asbestos and a launcher that disperses it when the package is opened

[-]

JayBanditos@reddit

Lots of good ideas just make sure you remember that they know where you live. I’d personally recommend a different approach. Like somehow hiding an AirTag or something similar into something then repackage it and put it in a box on your porch so when they steal your package you can see where it goes and then I’d put something wild in box and then mail it to them

[-]

1_pt_4_Dave@reddit

Glitter bomb 5000

Google it

[-]

perry147@reddit

Camera at the door and poop bomb - same as glitter bomb but with poop.

[-]

Dombat927@reddit

Can it be glitter and poop? A sparkle sh!t bomb

[-]

Chewiesbro@reddit

Fart spray and glitter in a balloon, set off the sprinklers as the ballon pops,

“Fuck you Captain Soarklefarts!”

[-]

DietCoke_repeat@reddit

The fart spray you need is called Liquid Ass, and is available on Amazon.

[-]

feudal_ferret@reddit

The Shits&Giggles

[-]

Sits_n_Giggles@reddit

Huh?

[-]

feudal_ferret@reddit

No sir. Different kind of stool.

[-]

Straight-Extreme-966@reddit

A unicorn turd is hard to find.

[-]

ciret7@reddit

I like that!

[-]

nomoreimfull@reddit

Bed bugs inside of air fresheners

[-]

Fiveby21@reddit

Way too much collateral damage.

[-]

nomoreimfull@reddit

Revenge is an infestation with a fresh scent

[-]

ishpatoon1982@reddit

This is diabolical.

[-]

GrantNexus@reddit

Glitter is horrible for the environment.

[-]

Emerald_bamboo@reddit

We are in unethical life pro tips….

[-]

EatAPeach2023@reddit

Came here to say this... But also out a piss disk in it

[-]

newphonenewaccount66@reddit

Glitter bomb with used kitty litter mixed in.

[-]

NeonRoll_Sushi@reddit

mark rober's glitter bombs are legendary but way too much work for most people. decoy box filled with used coffee grounds works too. stains everything they touch and smells terrible after few days. restaurant taught me coffee waste sticks to EVERYTHING

[-]

Sensitive_Dot_4258@reddit

A nest of hornets

[-]

Sea_Bear7754@reddit

Mystery powder with a note that says “Hope you held your breath.”

[-]

jetpacksforall@reddit

Hide the airtag in the product in case they toss the packaging early.

[-]

aLonerDottieArebel@reddit

Jfc just had flashbacks to white envelope anthrax scares in high school

[-]

chrysanthamumm@reddit

diatomaceous earth would be a pretty mean mystery powder.

[-]

Patient_Panic7231@reddit

MK-5 Thunder Grenade

[-]

Tasty-Adhesiveness66@reddit

used cat litter, dog poop, human poop, extra strenght glue on the outside of the package, bedbugs, live crickets, live roaches, a bag of barf.

[-]

limellama1@reddit

Get an empty Amazon box, duct tape a sheet of paper between the flaps like a hammock, and dump an entire bag of ultra fine glitter onto the paper. Then carefully fold the box up.

When they open it they'll cover themselves and where they are are be glittery for life

[-]

mcheek21@reddit

I found a bag of tiny glitter dicks online yesterday, that would be great

[-]

GalumphingWithGlee@reddit

Used cat litter.

[-]

functional_moron@reddit

A blanket infested with bed bugs.

[-]

fuzzimus@reddit

or smallpox

[-]

maybethisisadream@reddit

Does Walmart sell smallpox?

[-]

Tr0z3rSnak3@reddit

Florida?

[-]

GalumphingWithGlee@reddit

How about Amherst? Or DC?

(Context: Lord Jeffrey Amherst, after whom Amherst college and many Amherst towns are named, was known for smallpox blankets. So was Christopher Columbus, namesake for "District of Columbia".)

[-]

williamwalkerobama@reddit

West Virginia might be better

[-]

Avocado_puppy@reddit

Texas?

[-]

vinney1369@reddit

Best I can do is nuclear shrimp.

[-]

fuzzimus@reddit

They do now with shrinkflation and all

[-]

omegasome@reddit

does walmart sell bedbugs?

[-]

Space_Ghost44@reddit

Florida?

[-]

zippyboy@reddit

Does Walmart sell bed bugs with smallpox?

[-]

maybethisisadream@reddit

Now that would be terrible

[-]

Wertreou@reddit

I feel like you could probably find one giving them away for free.

[-]

bearcatinA2@reddit

I feel like they're probably a bogo special.

[-]

maybethisisadream@reddit

I haven't checked but I doubt it

[-]

HBMart@reddit

Way too risky.

[-]

DjDozzee@reddit

Combination of bedbugs, roaches, crickets, couple of garden snakes. Then put sticky sticky syrup on the container holding them all so that when they open it they can't drop the container. Before you do that thought, install a doorbell camera. They may be back for revenge.

[-]

user3won_u@reddit

Would they survive the trip though? The pests should be alive when the thief opens it

[-]

DjDozzee@reddit

In my minds eye they all did, but in practice they may not. And also, I doubt most thieves wait until they get home to open their stolen goods.

[-]

Captain-Pig-Card@reddit

Sure, if you can’t be bothered with the smallpox, I guess bedbugs…

[-]

skookie31@reddit

Even better, a brand new shirt with bedbugs inside, on the underarms where they can’t be seen easily. Make sure the shirt is the same color as the bugs.

[-]

Epic-Lurker@reddit

Nuclear option here.

[-]

King_Tamino@reddit

Hmm, could go the I.ED route then … same results I guess?

[-]

Baguetele@reddit

At the very least a nice box of juicy lice, ticks, or roaches.

[-]

Livid-Improvement953@reddit

You can buy cockroaches at the pet store (to feed your other pets). Or maybe live bees would be good.

[-]

dubbins112@reddit

You can actually even get bees through the mail! Granted you have to pick them up, and they come in see-through crates, but you could still logistically just buy a bunch of bees.

[-]

Alternative-Dig-2066@reddit

Please leave the bees alone, they are going through enough, and we need them. We do not need cockroaches, however!!

[-]

HugsandHate@reddit

And, where do you buy one of them?

[-]

Grampyy@reddit

Florida AirBnb under $100 just take one from there

[-]

functional_moron@reddit

An inconvenience store probably.

[-]

MushroomCharacter411@reddit

[-]

My_Mispent_Youth@reddit

That’s one of my favorite non-animal Larson drawings.

[-]

MushroomCharacter411@reddit

[-]

MarleysGhost2024@reddit

Based on that comment, you're much more than functional!

[-]

HugsandHate@reddit

I love this.

[-]

maybethisisadream@reddit

Exactly

[-]

Dopecombatweasel@reddit

nobody should get within 100 feet of a bed bug....been there done that. its horrible.

[-]

I_stole_this_phone@reddit

This

[-]

butterhernutter@reddit

Fart spray connected to a computer system controlled by twitch. People pay 10$ to control the spray gun.

Will they probably just spray the mailman? Yea but it would be fun.

[-]

Nikki15989@reddit

Well glitter is always a good one. Piss discs in a plastic lined box (obligatory suggestion). A box of actual human shit, just a turd. You could source a bunch of dead bugs (the smell would be sickening).

[-]

UrMomsGorditoSancho@reddit

I put a box full of dog shit. Never got anything stolen again.

[-]

MrSolveMyMaze@reddit

A box, within a box, within a box. For the final (smallest) box, wrap it up with strong parcel tape that'll take ages to get into. Once they get inside, all they'll find is a note with lol on it.

[-]

gulliema@reddit

A ps5-box and an rtx 5090-box filled with bricks or poo

[-]

jadenthegamer6@reddit

Na why waste a good 5090 box 😭

[-]

ctrlaltdelete285@reddit

Apple air tag in the bottom with a bunch of small boxes inside that they have to go through to open

[-]

Astronautty69@reddit

Don't put it on the bottom, tape it to the inside of the top of one box. Disguise it pretty well too, and they'll really go crazy looking for that missing #.

[-]

user3won_u@reddit

And maggots

[-]

Rough-Patience-2435@reddit

Air tags labelled 1, 2 and 4. Keep looking for 3.

[-]

LuementalQueen@reddit

1, 3, and 4. To mix it up

[-]

GoPadge@reddit

Or bricks of poo!

[-]

jadenthegamer6@reddit

A box with kitty poop in it.

[-]

shoulda-known-better@reddit

To add to the glitter bomb..... Leave a happy happy graduation card inside!! Then have it be a card that screams once opened until the battery dies!!

(grad cards usually have cash!! Lol)

[-]

earthgreen10@reddit (OP)

im not sure how to set up a glitter bomb

[-]

shoulda-known-better@reddit

google.com

[-]

AnneOnymuss@reddit

hornets

[-]

AdEither4474@reddit

SPIDERS. They'll take off running the second the box is opened and the thief will spend months trying to get them all.

[-]

AdEither4474@reddit

Spiders.

[-]

Aufdie@reddit

You really should contact Mark Rober. It's about time he should be making this year's glitter bomb video. I hope he makes them forever, best of the internet.

[-]

wishiwasholden@reddit

I vote for psyops. The key is going to be finding out as much about this person as you can, starting with their name if possible. If you can find enough info about them, imagine the mindfuck when they open a package and all that’s in it is a dossier with their full name, address, phone number, pictures, anything personal you can find out about them.

Maybe use a dummy package with a tracker, then you can potentially find where they live. If you can get a tag number, that could potentially be traced back through one of the “pay to play” websites that allow you to do lookups on people.

I doubt they’re a homeowner, so it’s going to be harder to find their name if it’s not on a house that you’ve tracked them to. It could still help though even if it’s their parents on the property, it gives you a last name.

[-]

endisnigh-ish@reddit

A butyric acid bomb. Relax, not an exploding ball of fire.. but butyric acid smell HORRIBLE! And it does not wash off easily at all.

[-]

Dougally@reddit

A vomit bomb

[-]

dirtyhippie62@reddit

VomBomb all day bb

[-]

badmother@reddit

Isn't that the stuff Hershey's puts in their chocolate?

[-]

Blue2501@reddit

IIRC, a tiny bit of it has like a cream smell/flavor.

[-]

HBMart@reddit

Literal shit.

[-]

SimplyRoya@reddit

Glitter box

[-]

p3canj0y363@reddit

My cat litter has been put out in Amazon boxes before. But I find thieves like to follow the truck, so not always effective.

[-]

foodrebel@reddit

We put cat shit in one package and never had a problem again.

[-]

IminLoveWithMyCar3@reddit

I watched a video of someone who rigged up a glitter bomb. It had a small fan and everything so when the thief opened it, glitter exploded everywhere.

[-]

superduperhosts@reddit

a snake

[-]

austinsoundguy@reddit

A gps tracker

[-]

_Volly@reddit

Put rotten fruit in a small bag (qt size) that is NOT see through. Add 2oz of ammonia. Seal bag. Let ferment for a week. OMFG. The smell this thing will put out is beyond bad. Place in amazon box and put on porch.

They will take it but will NEVER take from your house again.

[-]

GunBrothersGaming@reddit

We put airtags in a package and tracked them to where they live.

[-]

toughenupbutttercup@reddit

Shit.

[-]

Witty_Candle_3448@reddit

Pick your packages up at a pick up location.

[-]

Sits_n_Giggles@reddit

Glitter poop

[-]

Miserable-Win-6402@reddit

Buy a box of nice chocolates. A syringe with a thin needle. A bottle of “hot as shit sauce” ( google it) - inject sauce in chocolates. I promise, this will be an unforgettable experience for whoever eats it

[-]

SaintsAngel13@reddit

Or buy some sugar free sweets, the ones that leave you on the toilet all night. Hope they enjoy a night of hell

[-]

Iintendtodeletepart2@reddit

Shit in the box. Merry Christmas.

[-]

Soxfan85@reddit

If you’re going to put something icky in a bait box, make sure you put reverse tape in it so it tears open the bag inside.

[-]

SaintsAngel13@reddit

That's a good idea...write that down OP ...✍️

[-]

rwv2055@reddit

Claymore

[-]

kevnimus@reddit

Dye Packs the exploding kind

[-]

Straight_Tumbleweed9@reddit

I saw one report where a lady put out a bunch of black windows. And when the guy got bit and called the cops she charged him with “pet napping” x 200 and killing her pets.

[-]

smellybathroom3070@reddit

Ammonium nitrate - magnesium pipe bomb trust you won’t have any more problems lmfao

[-]

Dasrule@reddit

Termites

[-]

HippieHighNoon@reddit

Get a big enough box to hide in and wait for them...

[-]

amanning072@reddit

Then when they appear you shout "!"

[-]

RoyBeer@reddit

lol this made me laugh

[-]

snackcakez1@reddit

Bags of dog poop

[-]

throwaway_t6788@reddit

piss? poop?

[-]

BikeCookie@reddit

Webcam with gps tracker and a note that says the police is on the way.

[-]

Capt_Dummy@reddit

Or:

“and now i know where you live…”

[-]

BikeCookie@reddit

“we” and include pictures of a karate dojo and a church. That combo is enough to confuse and frighten just about anyone.

[-]

Bishop_Pickerling@reddit

A church and a dojo sounds like a good setup for a Stephen King novel

[-]

Zero_Pumpkins@reddit

Crickets. They will jump out all over the place and hopefully chirp all night and keep the thief awake for days.

[-]

No_Bad_4363@reddit

Motion activated alarm, like what you would hang on a hotel room door. Turn it on, place in box, and then carefully place on porch. Any sudden movement should trigger it.

[-]

RJB9570@reddit

Cat shit. Or a plastic wrapped dead skunk

[-]

WatchingTellyNow@reddit

This is scarily specific.

[-]

dirtymoney@reddit

I have seen a video where someone rugged up a loud device that webs off because it was attached to a package vis a cord and the door. Could have been a blank shotgun shell.

[-]

RamblinEvilMushroom@reddit

I get porch pirates every year around the holidays. So during the rest of the year, I save the boxes for all the electronics I buy, then re-pack them with horrible things and seal them in used Amazon boxes. Brand new iPhone in the box! Enjoy the used diaper, asshole.

[-]

ClearLine01@reddit

This is really fantastic

[-]

Igottapoopnow@reddit

[-]

Jennmcc6776@reddit

Bahahahaha!!!!

[-]

AllMoneyGone@reddit

Drugs. Then call the police on them saying you witnessed a drug deal.

[-]

NeetDaimyo@reddit

This depends on if the local police will do anything. It's not that expensive to buy a small camera that's infrared now so if you have a front facing window, hide it and see if it's working. A cheap webcam works if you can learn how to record video and can keep the light on.

Get an amazon package delivered to you, take photos all the way around, and then you have a couple choices: if you want to prove it, get a GPS tracker like an AirTag if you're on iPhone and either way a lot of cat shit.

Then it's the double whammy: just stole cat shit, have video proof for the police, and then if you/they recognize him it's enough for them to arrest for theft.

[-]

dakotahwithanh@reddit

An AirTag.

[-]

Mc01806@reddit

Piss in trash bags and put it in a box

[-]

eddie2hands99911@reddit

Get some two part expansion foam like they would use on Mythbusters. The stuff that expands to like 50 times its original size. Just make a trigger to pop some balloons filled with the two different liquids, it’ll be like the crash in Demolition Man….!

[-]

The_Son_of_Hermes@reddit

An air tag

[-]

WhimsicleMagnolia@reddit

Dog shit of course

[-]

MisterChaotic25@reddit

A huge piece of paper with psychotic drawings on it and messages like “I know what you did” “I know it was you.” “If you’re reading this I’m closer than you think”

Like total chicken scratch. Maybe even throw some mystery stains or coffee in there.

[-]

jabbadahut1@reddit

Hornets

[-]

713nikki@reddit

A toe.

gif

[-]

MayorxMcCheese@reddit

You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. I'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish.

[-]

Popular_Course3885@reddit

These fucking amateurs.

[-]

b1llb3rt@reddit

Say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism Dude at least it’s an ethos.

[-]

poopin@reddit

Calmer then you are

[-]

LetsHookUpSF@reddit

Take a shit in a box. Let them steal it.

[-]

lanixvar@reddit

A tracking device. So you can follow it and have a bonfire

[-]

Dregan3D@reddit

Call Mark Rober. He's got some ideas.

[-]

Critical-Degree-1354@reddit

Dog shit

[-]

GivMHellVetica@reddit

A bunch of zoo poo mixed with 10 pounds of very fine edible glitter and something like a spring loaded plate or fan that turns on remotely.

[-]

4cardroyal@reddit

used cat litter

[-]

beatdaddyo@reddit

Rewrap your trash. Simple.

[-]

earthgreen10@reddit (OP)

maybe put some shattered glass in it

[-]

fangoround@reddit

[-]

tribblydribbly@reddit

Something with a bit of weight and like 1000 roaches they survive well in your area.

[-]

malikj98@reddit

Cat shit and piss, or your own shit and piss

[-]

Tacos_Polackos@reddit

You can get pure racoon and fox urine sold as "hunters scent mask"

[-]

fangoround@reddit

Would be hilarious to fill an empty wine or liquor bottle with this, seal it back up, and package it. Even better to add a couple of glasses to make it easy to pour immediately. Anyone stealing Amazon packages might not be wise enough to know alcohol can’t actually be shipped from Amazon…

[-]

rainmouse@reddit

You used to be able to buy eggs for super crabs resistant to std treatments from sites a decade back. Dunno if you can still get them, but a glitter bomb sprinkling those suckers into someone's house would be memorably itchy.

https://dangerousminds.net/comments/the_crab_revenge_kit/

[-]

Altruistic_sunshine@reddit

Get fake cut off fingers or toes that are bloody but look realistic and place them into a ziplock bag.

[-]

SPsychD@reddit

You can buy insects of most varieties on the web. Engineering a package that opens the bug container when the Amazon package is a fine task for the hive mind of this group.

[-]

Altruistic_sunshine@reddit

Dump a bag of flour and glitter into the box.

[-]

Ryan1869@reddit

Box of dog shit of course...

[-]

sparksgirl1223@reddit

Fill it with your garbage.

Then you don't even need to go to the curb.

[-]

RookeeALding@reddit

Cursed doll.

Bones... unlabeled

Everyday garbage.

[-]

karmaapple3@reddit

Poop

[-]

CycleAccomplished824@reddit

A box, inside a box, inside a box,etc. in the last box - a ziploc bag filled with air and a stone. A tracking device?

[-]

AdagioBlues@reddit

A security camera.

[-]

MyyWifeRocks@reddit

Tannerite, a blasting cap, and an old alarm clock.

[-]

Anynamehere14@reddit

A zip lock bag full of fake blood and cut up hotdogs 😈

[-]

Alum2608@reddit

Amazon box with a thrift store broken electronic inside. Cover the box & contents in theft detection powder (goes on clear, turns bright purple in contact with skin/moisture) And/or coasted box full of used cat litter or crickets & maggots

[-]

KelpFox05@reddit

Grasshoppers or locusts.

You can get them on pet care websites for reptiles and tarantulas, look under the "live feeding" section. They will be sent in a box with a secured lid, get everything set up, put the secured box inside the fake Amazon box, then remove or loosen the lid so the locusts can get out. Quickly seal the lid of the outer box (I would recommend doing this outside so if any escape, you don't have locusts in your house). Place box and wait.

You can also buy bags of approximately 18,000 ladybirds online but I think the average person would be more distressed by the locusts than ladybirds. Make your own best judgement though.

[-]

chrysanthamumm@reddit

OP could you update us if you do exact revenge,

[-]

Lexubex@reddit

If you have a cat, put the old kitty litter in the Amazon box when you change the litter. Nothing like a fecal surprise to deter package thieves.

If you own a ring camera and can see who is stealing from you, take a screenshot of the footage, zoom in on their face, print it out and put it in a cheap dollar store picture frame with the caption "Hi there, you thieving fuckface". And if you want to get especially elaborate, look their face up on google image search to try to find out their name.

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FigMajestic6096@reddit

Poopoo

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6133mj6133@reddit

Ask around for a friend with a cat that can give you a box full of used cat litter

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AdhesivenessCivil581@reddit

We had a fixer-upper with a garage. Someone kept stealing things from the garage. We took every broken old tool, lawn mower, weed Wacker there. It was all stolen and saved us a trip to the dump.

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Jenash77@reddit

Dog 💩

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GooseNYC@reddit

Roaches.

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jayareelle195@reddit

Poop

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HoboUnk@reddit

Pictures of them stealing your packages

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MushroomCharacter411@reddit

Boxed high-end chocolates (something that looks like a custom order) made with laxatives in them. You'll need access to a shrink-wrapping machine for this one.

How about an urn with ashes in it and a picture of an elderly person (so they assume they just stole your grandmother's cremated remains)?

gif

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CrocodileFile@reddit

A bald faced hornet nest

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Pale-While-9783@reddit

This reminds me of a story years ago here in NYC about an elderly woman who had just gotten off the train and was struggling with a large suitcase. She managed to get through the turnstile and had just approached the bottom of the stairs leading up to the street when a young man approached her and offered to carry the suitcase up the stairs for her.

She gratefully accepted and handed the suitcase to the young man.

He started carrying the suitcase up the stairs and she followed, but by the time she got to the top he had disappeared.

What he would soon find out was that her dog had died and she was transporting him in the suitcase to be buried.

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MushroomCharacter411@reddit

Boxed high-end chocolates (something that looks like a custom order) made with laxatives in them.

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missileman@reddit

An angry wasp nest.

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EnvironmentalSinger1@reddit

Toenail clippings

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MarleysGhost2024@reddit

An angry cobra.

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Sanityovar8ted@reddit

Live bees or bedbugs *i don't know where u would get the bedbugs but it sounded really good in my head lmao 😂

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correctingStupid@reddit

Note. If they are steeling packages from your address, they know where you live. Wise?

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GrantNexus@reddit

Is everyone illiterate?

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TheSagelyOne@reddit

Their name, address, and a photo of their close family members. That'll shake them up.

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GrantNexus@reddit

A basic spelling book, but read it first.

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setthrustpositive@reddit

Bees.

Ladybugs.

Crickets.

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Hidden_Vendetta@reddit

Apple AirTag and 1lb of glitter, total cost $30 on amazon - reaction you won’t get to witness is priceless. (Unless you go to the spot with the AirTag)

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klossingez@reddit

Does one avoid putting an address label on the bait box? I would assume a porch pirate doesn't target just a single house. If they bring multiple boxes back home, open the glitter box, get mad, look at the label, they know exactly which house it came from.

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Humble_Ladder@reddit

Having lived in a high-ish crime area, they would open the boxes in their car and dump boxes plus stuff they can't resell on the curb or in parking lots.

If they take the boxes home, that's a paper trail docume ting victims that could link them to theft reports (if people report the theft, which they should, most cities have you do it online and it's pretty quick).

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correctingStupid@reddit

Or just an air tag and follow them + record them steeling more packages. Follow them home. Get address. Call police and show them footage.

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Hidden_Vendetta@reddit

Too much work, I honestly just did this yesterday and just put the glitter and not the AirTag because I don’t really care about catching them I just want to know for the next month they will find glitter everywhere

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TriumphDaytona@reddit

Loaded diapers, used cat litter, dog poop. Pack your garbage and let them steal it. It’s a win win, they get a package, and you get rid of your trash.

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wa1t1n1ne@reddit

Cockroaches.

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Nephroidofdoom@reddit

If only I could somehow box that Hornet nest in my backyard.

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_robmillion_@reddit

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nowhereiswater@reddit

Poop.

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FooJenkins@reddit

Piss discs.

Google it

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the_worst_labrador@reddit

Make sure the address on your fake package of doom is of someone you despise. Kill two birds with one stone when they come back for retribution.

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bsischo@reddit

Glitter bomb with skunk scent mix.

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Admirable_Hand9758@reddit

dog doo doo

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lacey_the_great@reddit

If you have a cat or cat(s), fully clean their litterbox(es) and put everything you clean out in the decoy package.

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Twice_Knightley@reddit

Unethical? Child pornography.

Easier to get? Buy an old/ripoff apple box and fill it with dogshit, then shrink wrap it.

This is a lot of effort but then you don't hurt kids, so really it's up to you.

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davebrose@reddit

I’d go absolutely crazy and just shop like it’s 1999.

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raygun2thehead@reddit

My cat once killed a rat outside and I let it fester in the sun for a week before putting it in a box with rocks, cat shit, and strongly worded letter of what would happen if my neighbors and I caught them. Packages stopped getting stolen for at least that summer

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AffectionateBrick687@reddit

Ants, colorful sanding sugar, powdered dye, and ball bearings. It will be a bitch to clean.

Alternatively, just put something ridiculously heavy in a package and cover it in a clear, sticky substance. It will be hilarious watching them try to move an immovable package.

Third option, retractable dog leash firmly fastened to something solid inside the package and to concrete. Cover in a sticky substance and watch them freak out.

4th option, dirty cat litter.

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VincentStonewood@reddit

Shit in a box.

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senbenitoo@reddit

I see a lot of people filling boxes with used kitty litter... just for the karma, I'd happily mail you a box full of some primo stinky stuff, no charge!

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WhiskyEye@reddit

Bees.

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jaidau@reddit

GPS tag then swat them

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Abject-Donut5152@reddit

Well there was that lady who was store her pet black widows who went missing

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jonnywarpspeed@reddit

Used car litter

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ditto3000@reddit

Where to find bed bugs.

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Prestigious_Bet_3704@reddit

Tree stump. I also had a neighbor who replaced her kitchen tile floor and put the old tiles in Amazon boxes and set them on her front porch. The tiles were stolen. All four boxes. I was told they were very heavy 🤣

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EpicDude007@reddit

I saw a video the other day with someone using a firework bomb that went off. Probably staged, but appeared effective. - Also this is probably both unethical and illegal, depending on where you live.

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Dopecombatweasel@reddit

take a shit in the box

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soshibemuchwow@reddit

a certain kind of disc...

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MsTerious1@reddit

Is there a way to have an air horn with a pressure switch that would deafen them and alert the whole neighborhood to come look?

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Dboogy2197@reddit

Badger. Poke holes in box first

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fuzzimus@reddit

Honey badger don’t care

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DrGreenthumbs1313@reddit

Make sure to poke it with a spoon a few times to get it primed for action!

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aluke000@reddit

A sealed jar full of flies and a dead rodent, and an airtag with note that you have their address now and will be reporting them to the police.

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dj_boy-Wonder@reddit

I would buy a broken AirTag and write a note that says “me and my neighbours got you on camera this time asshole and now i have your location too! We know what car you drive and we will be looking out for it, we will be sending everything to the police”

They probably won’t come back, at least not for a while

Oh and since this is ULPT, bake some cookies and crumble some shit into the mixture then package them so it looks like you ordered fancy cookies.

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