I was raped repeatedly when I was 17 by a guy I had mutual friends with from church. Repeatedly because the first time he got me on top of a mountain without my phone and I couldn’t get home unless I did what he wanted. The second time he picked me up from work to “talk things through” and pulled over into a random parking lot. I know I shouldn’t have gotten in his car after the first time. He made it seem like he was going to make it up to me. I still struggle with not blaming myself for getting in the car, but I know the things that happened in that car and on that mountain were on him. I made it clear I felt unsafe and that I didn’t want to do anything. I said no. It didn’t matter. I confronted him shortly after my birthday that year after processing everything and he pulled some shit threatening to turn me in for harassing a minor (he was still 17 and I had just turned 18).

He later dm’ed me on Instagram with a vague “sorry if you felt raped but jesus forgives me so you should too” bs apology and then deleted all of his social media. I’m guessing because he thought I would dox him the first chance I got (I was very active on social media at the time and used to have several meme pages, one of which had close to a million followers, so he frequently brought up while we were talking that he was scared of me doxxing him). He’s stayed off social media since then with the exception of one dm I got on Twitter from an “anonymous” account with a screenshot from a video of me (he had filmed me without my consent) after I had gone on a rant about what happened w/o naming him in 2018. No words. Just the picture. I deleted my Twitter after that while having a panic attack, which was stupid because it was the closest thing to proof that I had. Since then, he’s been a ghost. He doesn’t even have a LinkedIn page. It’s not something I check for often. Maybe once a year I get curious and wonder if the coward is still hiding.

Fast forward to today. I found him on a random records site when I was looking for my dad (another story), not thinking anything would actually come up. But I found him. The phone number is the same as the one I have blocked. I have his address. I’m 26 now. But I’ve never forgotten about what he did to me. It has taken years of therapy to recover, and even now I still struggle with intimacy and near constant disassociation, which I’m still in therapy for. I had to leave my church. I couldn’t stay friends with our mutual friends because I was terrified of him telling them I was a whore, and purity culture was far worse for me than it was for him. I was a credit short of graduating high school because of what happened and had to get my GED. I couldn’t even tell my mom what happened until I was 23. I literally moved across the country partially because I couldn’t handle driving in my neighborhood past that parking lot or seeing the mountain. I can’t even smell a Crayola crayon without having a visceral flashback because that’s what his Toyota Corolla smelled like.

I want him to know he didn’t get away with it. I want him to feel as scared as I do when I’m alone with men or when I get into a car. I don’t intend to personally do anything as I don’t think I could seeing him or speaking to him, but I know that there are Instagram and TikTok accounts out there that go after abusers and cheaters but I need help finding one to help me. I want people to know what kind of person he is. Does anyone know of a website, account, or person that handles this sort of thing? He’s in Phoenix, Arizona, if that helps at all.