How do I stop being overly jealous?
Posted by Beautiful-pain@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 120 comments
I can acknowledge I’m a jealous person but my mindset just won’t change.
I’ll start by saying I’ve grown up in one of the poorest areas in the UK to a single mum who struggled to make ends meet.
I’m now 26 and just got a car I consider nice and plan on buying a house at the end of the month. I have nothing to be jealous about my life is good when I put it like that I’m proud of myself.
I have two friends who just get everything handed to them and even thought they’re my friends it just pops in to my mind everyday of how I wish that was me. Sometimes it keeps me up at night because I’m so annoyed I have to go and work my entire life away to even try and accomplish half of what they have for nothing.
The first one lives mortgage free at 25 because his dad bought him a house but has said stuff in the past like you’re 25 and not bought a house yet what’s going on?
Another one has been gifted close to 100k and has just bought my car but a newer model.
I can understand there’s people worse off than me and acknowledge I’m being stupid but it just really irritates me to the point they buy this car and my first thought is yes well you didn’t earn it instead of being happy for them
Barbora1519@reddit
I am not religious , but I believe that in some way the experiences we go through in life are exactly what we are supposed to go through and that’s just your lot . You can change some things , but some things you have no influence over . When I was young , one of my best friends was very beautiful . We used to do lots of things together and wherever we went , she got all the male attention and I was completely invisible . When you are young , it’s very tough and I used to cry about it . But as our lives separated and went into various twists and turns , it turned out her looks didn’t really prevent her from her own ups and downs and heartaches . So you really should stop worrying about what your friend have or not have . They will have their own problems in future and maybe what you’ve had to overcome has made you that much stronger for your own future . And don’t knock the fact that you can look at what you’ve achieve with pride. But at the end of the day, unfairness is the fact of life , it’s like getting upset about the fact that the sun doesn’t shine at night .
The_Makster@reddit
Comparison is the thief of joy
crofthey@reddit
This saying really helps ground me and be thankful for what I have
SteSteB@reddit
I say this to my wife when she feels the same way as OP. She has now put it as a phone background as a reminder.
Beautiful-pain@reddit (OP)
I haven’t heard that before it’s something I need to work on for sure
pineappleshampoo@reddit
Tbh OP I had to work extremely hard to get where I am today (which isn’t by any means anywhere extravagant, but it felt impossible to me for the longest time) with a property, nice car, good career, savings. I have friends who had the above handed to them. I don’t feel envious at all because I’m pleased for them, but also the life I have feels that much sweeter and more amazing because I worked so hard for it. Getting those keys to a home when you’ve had to work and save to achieve it instead of being given the deposit by someone feels unreal. And you learn so many life lessons and work ethic along the way too. You’re in a better position now than those friends of yours in so many respects imo.
gagagagaNope@reddit
Grew up in a council house, pretty well set now. Would I have preferred it to have been handed to me? Hell yeah. Ignoring that I could have spent my 20s travelling, done a gap yah, chased hobbies (and girls) instead of overtime, it would have meant my parents were much better off and would have had a far better/easier life as a result.
I've got zero issue with family wealth resulting from successful parents passing it to their kids, many friends (who didn't grow up in council houses) got 6 figure deposits and i'm delighted for them. There's such a stigma about it in the west like it's some centuries old procced from slavery or something. In most cases now it's one generation of people that studied and worked hard (engineer, doctor, accountant, senior teacher) who saved, did the right stuff and set small amounts aside each month that became a generous gift once their kids hit their mid 20s. We're saving £100 a month for our boy - less than a smoker or casual pub goer would spend each month, that'll be something like £40-50k for him when he's 25, a big chunk but i'm not taking any shit from anybody that we shouldn't do that, or that it is some way wrong.
I hoping he'll be able to have choices I didn't - he might use that money to piss off around the world instead, and we'll be fine with that too.
Away-Ad4393@reddit
If you are going to buy your own house,and have your own car at age 25 , I’d say you have nothing to be jealous of over the average 25 year old in the UK
metigue@reddit
It's actually from the Bible! For some people that makes the quote more important.
Either way, it's really old and good advice.
bowen7477@reddit
No it's not.
Comparison should motivate you to emulate the excellence of others.
Ophiochos@reddit
The excellence of someone handed a house saying ‘you should have a house by now’, ok, sure.
bowen7477@reddit
Read my second paragraph again.
Don't worry, I won't expect an apology.
Ophiochos@reddit
Yes, to confirm, your terrible comment about comparison was not improved by the second paragraph saying the complete opposite. Given your tone and entitlement, I suspect you’ve had a lot of practice not getting apologies from people.
bowen7477@reddit
As I said, I didn't expect an apology😎
Ophiochos@reddit
Seriously (though your smugness doesn’t call for it), going round turning everything into a competition will give you and everyone else nervous breakdowns. Contentment is underrated.
RoopyBlue@reddit
This is such a ‘sigma grindset’ ‘hustle culture’ mentality and it’s absolute bullshit lol.
Envy never gets you anywhere. Acceptance of where you’re at is so much more powerful.
OrangeBeast01@reddit
"Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt
Jaded_Leg_46@reddit
How would they cope in the real world if they lost that safety net? They will never understand the true value of doing something on your own and that you're stronger for it. You've lived without the safety net and the hand outs so everything you have is truly yours and there's more value in that than have parents who write you cheques.
bars_and_plates@reddit
It doesn't matter what level you are at, someone is always going to be better on basically any axis.
You could be a self made millionaire with more than any of the people you have mentioned, and yet there would still be people around you who inherited ten mil.
You could bench press 120kg and there would be the guy who can do 130kg.
Just focus on being the best version of yourself and doing what you can and want to do.
According-Face-3214@reddit
I was always jealous and my husband berated me for it saying he loved me alone, and then while I was breastfeeding my first child he gave me Gonorrhea. Obviously I was tested for STD's before, during and after pregnancy and I knew he was the only source of the STD. Gonorrhea makes a woman sterile as well so it was a double wammy lies and sterilisation in one go.
CurvePuzzleheaded361@reddit
Comparison is the thief of joy. You have what many dont. Be grateful for that and try to work on gratitude.
Johnny_english53@reddit
Yes, can be hard to avoid envy at times. I don't want much in life, but still find myself having to retire abroad just to afford to live.
wildOldcheesecake@reddit
I take the simple approach here: I gain nothing.
_molesworth_@reddit
Very wise words!
BronnOP@reddit
I’ve recently been getting into Stoicism, not the modern, bro kind that has overrun the internet recently, just reading the translations of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus (among others). They might help you.
I’ve put a few quotes below for you that might wet your appetite, or not:
”Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.” - Epictetus
Reflection: Your friends may have been given things, but they can never be given contentment. You’ve built yours through effort and that’s the kind that lasts, and something they can’t buy or be given.
”It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” - Seneca
Reflection: Jealousy makes us poor even when we already have enough. Gratitude for what we’ve earned through resilience and hard work transforms irritation into pride.
”Do not waste what remains of your life in speculating about your neighbors… it keeps you from doing anything useful. - Marcus Aurelius
Reflection: Their houses and cars are distractions. Your time is better spent on building your own life a life that no one can take credit for but you. That is a life that will fulfil you.
OperationMission8254@reddit
You're envious, not jealous.
Anyhow, they get the satisfaction of having free stuff. There's no achievement to that.
You get the satisfaction of knowing you've earned your stuff. Which is your own achievement.
And so it goes.
driven_user@reddit
Came here to say this. This appears to be envy and not jealousy. Tho there is a similarity OP is not describing jealousy.
Matt_Moto_93@reddit
Envy is wanting what others have. Jelousy is seeing them enjoy what you have while you wait to enjoy it yourself. That;s kind of what I was taught.
FFTypo@reddit
It’s actually that jealousy is rooted in the feeling that others might take something that already belongs to you.
This is why jealousy is usually used in the romantic sense, but also applies to siblings feeling like they’re going to lose their parents to a little brother or sister.
Matt_Moto_93@reddit
Ahhh I see, thans for the deeper definition.
driven_user@reddit
100%, that's basically it (in a nutshell)
sayleanenlarge@reddit
This is true. I got my house because of inheritance, so it 100% isn't my achievement at all. I know I have a couple of friends who might be envious, but they have other stuff that I don't have that's things to actually be proud of, like having kids and being more outgoing than me.
cosmicspaceowl@reddit
I strongly suspect these "friends" know they've missed out on the satisfaction of earning their own stuff and that's why Friend 1 in particular is such a dick.
robdelterror@reddit
Stop looking in other people's pockets, it'll do you no good. Be comfortable in your own shoes and the world is your oyster.
isaaciiv@reddit
People in this thread are just repeating what you already know and have said, which is that your feelings are irrational in the sense that having them doesnt help you in any way.
In terms of actually changing how your feelings though, I think the only real advice is to get therapy, a therapist can give you advice about how to change your mindset and condition yourself to think differently.
Barring that a change of setting or friends can make a difference.
Mysterious-Sock39@reddit
Who cares about cars for fs a reliable car you like is good enough....
970souk@reddit
OP, just wanted to say good on you for realising your shortcoming and strive to work on yourself, this is a sign of maturity for someone in their 20s!
Signal_War_5451@reddit
As Baz Luhrmann said in the song Sunscreen “sometimes you’re ahead and sometimes you’re behind. But the race is long. And in the end it’s only with yourself.
SignatureFull5096@reddit
Highly recommend you give this song a listen OP. it’s brilliant.
Connorlul@reddit
Second this, cheers me up and puts a positive on everything every time!
Deep_Banana_6521@reddit
you're focusing too much on the "me, me, me" bs and judging others because they didn't go through the same thing too.
everyone has their own life, it's nobody's fault and there are people who are talking like you are on the street, and there are people who came from worse circumstances than you, doing really well for themselves.
Don't sit and live in a pit or swamp of your own resentment. grow up and do something about it.
shit or get off the pot.
disco-t@reddit
Focus on yourself and be your own competitor. If you insist on comparing, compare yourself to yesterday's you
Expensive_Ad_6475@reddit
Your friend commenting about not having a house at 25 sounds like a dick. Get rid of them.
cognitiveglitch@reddit
They didn't buy a house either though. It was gifted to them.
soverytiiiired@reddit
It’s always the ones who have things gifted to them that sit around confused about why it hasn’t happened to others.
I know someone who was gifted a house when he was 23, but he will sit there with a straight face and lecture people who are renting on sacrifices they should make in order to get on the property ladder.
Another got a significant inheritance and decided to quit her job and to go travelling in her thirties. When someone said “I wish I could do that” she didn’t understand why someone didn’t want to “Just quit!” when they had no safety net.
idlewildgirl@reddit
I dunno I mean I was very lucky with a lot of things in life and I would never think or say that to my friends. I know its not easy.
WealthMain2987@reddit
You will hear how hard they worked and saved up. People always try to make it like they made it themselves.
jaynoj@reddit
I had a massive realisation in my mid 20's that the people I spent my time with were far from being worthy of the title of "friend".
Choosing not to put up with other people's shit is one of the most powerful choices someone can make.
Expensive_Ad_6475@reddit
Friends should be the wind on your back, not the spit in your face.
Dommccabe@reddit
Take a look at the life some people have to endure especially those in in poorer countries.
If you have to compare your life with someone else... do it with theirs.
StereotypicallBarbie@reddit
You’re only human.. it’s natural to feel a negative emotion at certain things.
My advice would be is that you’re still very young.. in time you’ll learn all that matters is your achievements and happiness.. it’s massively more satisfying in your later years knowing that you did that without any help.
fleetwood_mag@reddit
I also had to save to buy my first house and it is annoying when you see others getting it handed to them. They’ll never get that sense of accomplishment though and it’s something I worry about for my own children. Their grandparents have already left them a lot of money, their houses will be paid for. I think doing it yourself is character building and I worry that they’ll act entitled and out of touch. I don’t know, I got a lot out of doing it myself.
beefboxer84@reddit
I was never jealous of my friends , but at around 25 years of age I got my life sorted , I realised to look after myself and my family , don’t care about others (you never know how much debt people are in to try and keep up with the Jones’s) . Don’t listen to sly remarks and enjoy what you have and earned.
jtr99@reddit
OP, if it helps, more than half the world would very happily switch places with you, in terms of material stuff.
Also you're living better than pretty much anyone from more than a century or two into the past.
LitmusPitmus@reddit
Imagine feeling like that about your mates. The amount of times this topic has come up recently nobody can tell me this isn't a massive negative in British mentality.
017200@reddit
It's natural to be frustrated by those that have things handed to them when you've had to struggle for everything you've got. But honestly it sounds like you've done an amazing job with the cards you've been dealt. Buying a house at 26 is a huge achievement!
Try focusing on the satisfaction you get from earning your own way, instead of the envy of those having it handed to them.
KeanKeen@reddit
There will always be someone out there getting handed stuff you will never be able to afford. Life isn't fair and never will be. All you can do is make the best of what you have and focus on what you actually have control over.
Avacado7145@reddit
First life isn’t fair and second they don’t sound like friends.
doepfersdungeon@reddit
If you got given a nice car and a nice house tomorrow, you'll be giddy for a month or so. But what then. What is it you actually need to be content. Bigger, faster , shinier , more expensive. Sounds like you need some secular Buddhism in your life. Modern society has taught us to consume, covet, and desire. You are not the car you drive, or don't drive. Look inwards, and find peace in refusing consumption and freedom in owning less. Enjoy the journey to setting up the life that you want, not wanting to click your finges and have someone else's life.
Terence Mckenna had some nice thoughts on this. Who needs the newer model.
https://youtu.be/R-HAt9aJcqg?feature=shared
pitmyshants69@reddit
Mate I'm mid 30s and only just bought a house and just had to pay £1000 for my shit car at the last MOT, I'm jealous of you!
bellpunk@reddit
most commenters are going to tell you that this is a personal problem of yours that you should ‘rewire’ yourself out of, and I think this is to some extent true, but I also think that, to a greater extent, what will be helpful is getting some friends who either come from similar backgrounds to you or are currently working for what they have.
I don’t think I’m an envious person, but being around a bunch of 25yos who get 50k for christmas would still do my nut in severely. if you find friends whose circumstances you relate to, you can vent with them and/or realign your sense of what is normal and desirable.
Jerico_Hill@reddit
Bro you are 26 and about to buy a house!!! I grew up poor and all that jazz, I'm 40 and still no where near to buying a house. You're doing fucking incredible and it's all your own work. Hold that head high dude.
PityPartySommelier@reddit
I bought my first (only) house at 45, you've still got time.
Comfortable-Bell-985@reddit
Now I’m jealous
English_Joe@reddit
The fact that you’re here acknowledging the problem is a big step. Keep going.
keishajay@reddit
You’re never stupid for having feelings. Feelings are a signal for… something going on with us, or our feelings about previous experiences.
I know that my child has some big feelings about the lack of money we had. Not that he’s not grateful for my efforts, but some sadness and maybe resentment at the unfairness for his child self. And that’s okay and understandable.
If these feelings are overly uncomfortable for you, you may want to talk to someone about it. Sometimes it’s nice to have our feelings validated by a a caring, objective person who can help us see how worthy and lovable we are. Till we can see and feel it for ourselves. :-)
Mavericks7@reddit
Gifted a 100k?
Need to have some words with my parents!!!
Justboy__@reddit
It’s unfortunately a natural thing and society is set up to feed into that. Out of all my friends I’ve probably done the best materially, so I’ve managed to buy a house in a really nice area.
Despite knowing how well I’ve landed on my feet I sometimes can’t help but compare my house to others in the areas or pine for a better car. I know deep down even if I get that pay big rise at work I’ll just want another one a few months later because we’re constantly being told we need to be hitting xx target and finding side hustles to become millionaires but it’s all just bollocks really.
I have to just remind myself how good my life actually is and just try to enjoy it a bit more.
Single-Tiger-2322@reddit
It’s the 10th commandment
richbun@reddit
You are envious, not jealous.
Jealous is a fear of losing what you have, envious is wanting what someone else has.
In fact, you might not be either, you might just wish those who are privileged to realise they are and appreciate it, and understand not many are in that situation.
People cannot help being born into wealth, but they can help how they act and deal with the rest of us.
n0d3N1AL@reddit
I have to say out of all the emotions, jealousy and envy are amongst the least relatable for me. I'm not sure why that is or how I'm able to avoid it, perhaps because I'm satisfied with what I have and can appreciate different circumstances. I guess it comes down to expectations. For example, I am really into cars and drive something I would consider a dream car, but for pretty much any budget I can find a car I'd be happy with. My current car gives me no more joy or pleasure than previous ones, even though it is objectively superior. I don't compare because I'm looking to maximise my own satisfaction, and comparison doesn't do that for me. If someone has a car that I desire, I feel happy knowing that someone has good taste rather than thinking "they don't deserve that". So maybe jealousy stems from entitlement?
CanineMagick@reddit
Offering a slightly alternative take - although you only have the power to change your perspective here, this isn’t just a “you” problem.
A part of what you’re feeling is a rational response to the unfairness of life, particularly now when the gap between the rich and poor is widening and class mobilisation is stalling.
So for me recognising on a logical level that there is a valid grievance is part of it. “Comparison is the thief of joy” (the top comment) is an understandable but incomplete coping mechanism. We have no choice but to compare.
What you need to work on is the rumination part that’s taking over your life and not serving you. Tbh, my best advice for that is therapy or CBT. They’ll help you focus on what you can control and appreciate what you have (while acknowledging that the underlying feelings of unfairness are valid).
Anonymous_Lurker_1@reddit
The two examples of your friends ("friends") are not the norm. Whilst I have no doubt whatsoever it does go on - I know it does - the vast majority of people in life rarely get things handed to them.
It sounds like all things considered, you're doing well for yourself, and if you just crack on, hopefully you'll be rewarded for the effort you put in. Just imagine the pride you'll have in yourself knowing that you've earned what you have due to 100% your own efforts and hard work.
I can see the appeal of having nice things because daddy bought it for you, but in my experience - and I've encountered people like this all my life - is that these people are usually grade-a wankers.
Circle-of-friends@reddit
Your friends are in a very not-normal situation and you can't compare yourself to them. There will be elements of your life they'll be jealous about, or hopefully at least in admiration of.
Even buying a house at 26 is a great achievement. Many, many people will never own property. Most won't do it in their 20's. You should be proud of what you've managed to achieve, and a lot of it on your own by the sounds of it.
Remember also you're a grown adult now. Handouts are great and all, but you're standing on your own two feet and you sound sorted by anyone's standards for a 26 year old.
Everyone has different circumstances, and it sounds like you're mixing with some people from a totally different socio-economic background. Don't let their wealth cloud what you've achieved for yourself.
stinkypoocow@reddit
Even those given stuff will be jealous, it never ends. They'll be jealous of the person given 400k flat and 500k to invest. Or the guy given 600k flat. But these people will be jealous of those who holiday on yachts and travel the world constantly so they dont need to be gifted a flat even.
martanimate@reddit
Dont compare yourself to your friends. You have a car, you will have a house within the year too. Those are massive accomplishments, and most people around here can't afford it. You should be proud! So what if you got through hard times, and now you worked your way up to success?
I hope those two friends are nice and not bragging about it, because sometimes you might want to meet new people. At 25, I switched friends I knew were not helping me and kept the ones that did. It's also good to be honest to people about it (seriously, tell them how it is. So what if they spent years getting houses or cars?) . I understand jealousy because I am acknowledged as being one. I get jealous real easily, but the guilt you feel after is the actual feelings. It's like, "I am jealous right now, but now I think about it, I feel bad." It's the second part that is your real thoughts. Not the first, that's a reaction.
I dont know where you live, but congratulations on the car and the house. Those are huge deals! A whole house you can live in, decorate how you want. Same with the car. Most of my friends are working really hard to achieve these too, and be able to relax and settle once it's done.
speccynerd@reddit
You should be even more proud of yourself, for doing it all alone. Possessions should mean nothing except the effort they embody. Yours are truly meaningful. Cherish that. And if you have a mate dumb enough to ask why you haven't bought a house when they've been gifted one, feel free to dish one right back: "Neither have you, you dumb twat." Maybe it'll even develop their empathy a bit.
Lolaxxx35@reddit
I’m an incredibly jealous person too, it’s so angering when someone who doesn’t really care that much gets something that you would be the happiest person on earth to have .
I just remind myself to be grateful as I could have it much worse and I actually do have things , even if it’s not what I would want.
TeenyWeenyQueeny@reddit
Once I accepted that there will always be someone with more than me, I pretty much got over any jealousy.
That’s life.
You either wallow in the sadness, or use it to motivate you to acquire what you desire, or at least get close to it.
Dear_Grape_666@reddit
I'm too self-absorbed to care about what other people have or what they're doing. As long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.
Also as others say, comparison is the thief of joy.
Curiousinsomeways@reddit
Other sound advice here so I'll take a different angle. You need to find productive uses for your mind, you have too much time/space if you are stewing over other people so set some goals and work towards those. Doesn't even have to be some great life goal, could be to run a race or to try every cuisine in your nearest city.
Killybug@reddit
Sunshine every day makes a drought. You are young and still have your youth. There are people who have lived their years who would love to be your age again but can’t. There are wealthy people on hospital wards wishing they could wake up like you can.
Just focus on incremental steps and appreciate what you have.
LogicalEstimate5882@reddit
Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time.
Andries89@reddit
What I'm about to tell you is total projection, but I was in a similar situation as yourself when I was 24. I bought a flat, but my friends got lavishly married, had kids and big houses at the same time. My three best friends all got married and we're expecting a baby in their new houses, all in the span of 1 and a half years.
It broke me for some reason, I was extremely envious and felt unworthy and failed in life. So I did what I always have done, fled my current life and started over again in the UK. As I didn't have anyone to compare to over here and was removed from the pain of not being able to keep up with my peers and friends back home.
Now the point I'm trying to get to is that apparently it's not normal to feel this way so intensely. Overtime I have done lots of therapy and the behaviour above, and the intense feelings of envy, are apparently a telltale sign of narcissistic personality disorder.
I have since gone through a lot of therapy as it had an impact on so many small areas of my life. I don't want to insinuate you have it either, as I don't know anything about your personality, it's just food for thought as I have had the same jealousy you described
FIREBIRDC9@reddit
Life has never been fair. There are Millions, nay Billions of people throughout history who have had a far shittier deal that you.
Perspective is king!
ohnobobbins@reddit
The people who get everything given to them young miss out on life, fun and experience. The ability to find a sense of achievement and autonomy has forever been taken away from them. They struggle with self-esteem - because self esteem is based on seeing an issue, figuring out how to solve it, and then putting that into action and achieving it.
The person who works hard and buys their own house is always happier than the person who just gets given one. I promise. It’s just going to take time for you to see.
ratemychicken@reddit
Get some poor friends instead
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
I can relate. I'm envious of people all the time. I'm in my early 40s now and whilst I still feel it, I just kind of push it to the side and look straight ahead of me. You get used to it.
Luxpatting@reddit
Search on youtube for gratitude mindfulness
You can do entire series to help you change your mindset and really appreciate what you have in life
Pembleton8@reddit
I had this same problem for a long time and it made me miserable. Theres no real trick, I’ve just focused on the life I do have and been proud of what I’ve done.
We all have different stories, different childhoods and stuff that made us. I also come from a poor family with pretty crap parents and went to an old Grammar School in an affluent area and everyone around me seems to have life handed to them on a plate.
Ultimately all that matters is your happiness, these people might have all the material things but very few people are truly happy and comfortable with themselves.
Also maybe if you feel this way perhaps theses aren’t healthy friendships for you
REidson89@reddit
Well im jealous you can buy a house if that helps 😅
Delicious-Cut-7911@reddit
To buy a house and a car is far better for personal growth than to have it handed to you by indulgent parents.
Any-Web-3347@reddit
The one that was questioning why you haven’t bought a house yet just wanted to brag about their circumstances, and didn’t much care that what they said would sting. The thing is that it’s an important life skill not to compare yourself to anyone else, because there will always be someone who has more. Your ambitions must be for yourself, not about catching up with others. Focus on what you want to do, and enjoy what you have now. When you feel those pangs, remind yourself of what you have achieved.
Virtual-_-Insanity@reddit
Read a book like: The Chimp Paradox.
Realise you have an emotional side to you that will always potentially react and feel a certain way
Realise you have an intellectual/concious side to you that that has the power of thought and you can outthink your emotions.
In the mean time, if ever you feel that envy, try and practice gratefulness. Sure your friends have things you don't, but think about all the things you DO have (e.g. loving parents, partner, friends, health, working limbs, working organs, no signifcant injuries or disfigurements, relative safety, live in the UK which is about as good a place to be born in the world really, instant access to running and safe to drink water, a working toilet, access to food at a supermarket without toil, etc.).
Realise it could always be worse.
Dualyeti@reddit
Jealousy is one of the worst traits in a human, that should be a key driver. Celebrate others success and keep developing yourself in your own time.
No-Baby-417@reddit
Anyone in the position to have family help them buy houses & cars shouldnt have a single opinion on those who have to work hard, and fund it for themselves, if anything I think its embarrassing to carry on through life like youve "made it" when really, other people have paid for what you have.
Mxk_Monlee@reddit
Wouldn't be friends with people like that. Personally. The rage is too much.
Deep-East656@reddit
Look down not up. There will always be someone better off than you in your life but always someone worse off than you. Reflect on the person who has less than you and what they might be going through and you'll find ways to appreciate what you have
Jumpy-Drop-5464@reddit
They have a house mortgage free sure, but someone else is paralyzed from the neck down and needs constant care, another person is in chronic pain, another is blind. There are always people having better or worse lives. I guess we have to try be grateful for what we have and try to work to get more but live in peacefulness because envy and misery is not a great way to spend our days.
Apidium@reddit
You just have to rewire your brain. Folks make it seem way harder than it actually is. Each time you catch yourself having the thoughts that are objectionable to you you LOUDLY think about something else UNTIL YOU DROWN OUT NEGATIVE NANCY.
It would go something like this; notes friend is getting fancy car, 'they don't deserve that they didn't - wait just one minute now bag of meat that thinks. You know what we aren't doing this fine Wednesday morning? Shit talking my friends. It's a good thing they are getting that car because it is (reliable / good fuel economy / similar to mine so I will know how to turn on the air con when we go someplace / safe so they won't die if they get into an accident). Now. Changing the topic. So silk song is going to come out tomorrow. Can you remeber the entire entire story and lore from hollow Knight? Okay how did it start, we fell down this big hole and if you go right at the start there is a secret (.......... On and on and on until I find myself pulling up the Wikipedia entry for the hunters journal entrrys because I don't remeber those and now I'm also checking my phone notifications and mum wants me to drop her off some washing up liquid and I need to brush my hair.)
From time to time the loud thinking about other things will pause and the negative thoughts will creep on back. So stop, another good reason for them getting the car and back to loudly thinking again. Without beating yourself up about 'failing' to control unwanted and uninvited thoughts a sack of skull meat just conjured up into existance.
U gonna let that ugly wrinkly bastard shit talk your mates to you like that? Nope, no sireee, not today. Not happening. Drown it out. Don't listen to it.
Eventually it gets much much easier. But the first few weeks of practicing it can be a little like pulling teeth. But once you nail it you can fully prevent ruminating on bad thoughts of any sort. So laying in bed unable to sleep because you are mortified about something embarrassing you did as a teen? Not an issue anymore. You just tell it to stop and it stops.
coolpavillion@reddit
That's their life not yours. You can only exist in your own life and focus on yourself.
Twattish for them to say why haven't you bought a house yet etc, none of their business. Just ask them how much deposit they saved when they ask.
zophzz@reddit
Tbh I've been there myself. Faced a long list of adversity and had to fend for myself completely with no family support to fall back on and I'm 28 now, still renting and only just got a decent job. What helped me most is that I paid more attention to what people were saying and cut people out who were constantly making ignorant comments that made me feel like shit, and that resolved a lot of my resentment. I stopped making excuses for them because they knew my background and still said the things they did. It's a lot easier to accept people have it better than you when they're not being horrible about it.
fluentindothraki@reddit
Start comparing yourself to the 90% of the world population who are worse off than you. Just being European is a stroke of luck. Being reasonably healthy is something to be grateful for.
And congratulations for your achievements, well done you!
A lot of people find it helpful to think about all the things they are grateful for first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Jealousy is a kind of insecurity, and anything that makes you feel more grounded will help to get away from the jealous mindset (jealousy achieves nothing positive and can poison your life).
Good luck
Sea-Nail-2292@reddit
they got handed fish, you learned to fish - guess who's eating when daddy's money runs out
birchblonde@reddit
Your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t be impressed by your friend either. Great that you are looking to change your mindset as it will mean greater happiness for you. I wish you (and your mum) luck!
nioooin@reddit
Learn how to stop mind chatter. Not specifically for you, in general applies to /helps every human being.
Ok_Young1709@reddit
Tell them to go and buy a house similar to what they have without help from parents or using the current house as a deposit. It's so easy, they should have zero problem. And tell the other one to buy the newer car without the help of 100k.
They can't. But maybe it will help them understand.
elgrn1@reddit
I'd speak to a therapist. There isn't anything wrong with some envy but to be consumed with jealousy isn't healthy for you.
There's an expression that can be adapted here, "holding onto hate is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die".
Your feelings exist within you so you're the person they hurt the most. But you're also the person who needs to understand where they come from, address them safely, and let them go. This is what therapy can help with.
Zs93@reddit
Jealousy can sometimes be rooted in insecurity. You had a tougher upbringing maybe it’s something you have bad feelings about ? You’re doing amazing despite the challenges but still unhappy that others get things easier than you. The easiest way to tackle this is by trying therapy, you may need to just work through why you’re not able to focus on the positives.
The other thing can be the people you surround yourself with. The person asking why you haven’t bought at 25 is crazy (I have to assume you don’t live in the south of England because it’s getting rarer and rarer to buy young!) but this kind of negative interaction can chip away at you slowly.
Deformedpye@reddit
We have one go round on this mortal coil. Enjoy it whilst you can and don't let the little things get to you. Everyone feels jealousy. I'm a single bloke with no kids. Most of my friends are married with kids. I am jealous of that but, being jealous will not change the situation.
trappedinab0x285@reddit
Life is a wheel. Once you have lived long enough to experience that, you will find it easier to be less fixated on superficial measures of success. No point to be jealous of something that is not fixed since no one is an absolute winner. If you play that game of being the best and most successful, you will always lose because you will not appreciate the complexity of life.
Also I would start to focus more on things more important like health and human connections. Better being healthy and surrounded by love than having a fancy car. If you haven't noticed that yet, you will notice it in a few years if you start to open your mind a little bit and do not rely on what other people portray to you as happiness.
Btw enjoy your house, you are very lucky indeed, don't you think?
WandersOnWaffles@reddit
Jealousy can feel ugly, but it’s also totally normal, especially when you’ve had to work for everything while watching others get stuff handed to them.
But here’s the thing you can’t control what they’re given or how they act, so the best thing you can do for your own peace is to focus on yourself and your own life. They’ll always have those advantages, and nothing you do will change that. Letting go of it just means you can actually enjoy what you’ve worked for instead of wasting energy comparing yourself.
I always live by this saying the only time you need to look into someone else’s plate is to see if they have enough, not to check if they have more than you. And honestly, when you think about it like that, it’s so freeing you get to focus on your own life and just live without all that extra stress.
zephyrthewonderdog@reddit
Pointless being jealous or envious of anyone. You simply don’t know what life will throw at you.
Things like buying a new car are fairly trivial, almost irrelevant. Your health comes first above everything else. You don’t fully appreciate that till something goes wrong.
I’ve been to the funerals of good friends who ‘had everything handed to them’ no point in envy, things can go wrong for anyone very quickly.
Enjoy what you have while you have it. Ignore everyone else.
19Pip87@reddit
Everyone’s circumstances are different. There’s people older than you who would love to be in your position where you have a nice car and afford to buy a house. It’s all about being grateful for what you have and putting it in context.
As for your friend, saying “you’re 25 and not bought a house yet?” that’s not really something a friend would say in my opinion. It shows how out of touch they are, there are thousands of people in the U.K. who can’t buy a house. To be able to do that given your upbringing is a huge achievement and it’s not a race. They were given wealth, they didn’t graft for it like you have. You know the value of money whereas they don’t.
Practically, get off Facebook/social media if you are on it as that breeds jealousy. People only show their best bits on there so of course it’s going to make you feel like they are doing better than you.
Consider if your friends are really friends or if they are just using you to feel better about themselves. The whole you’ve not bought a house yet?” reeks of competition not friendship in my opinion.
Practice being grateful for what you have.
EatingCoooolo@reddit
It makes you miserable already. Everyone’s got a different path in life I have no doubt you’ll achieve more than those other two but it’s not a competition just crack on with your life and don’t worry about them. Maybe get new friends who doesn’t make you jealous.
BananaHairFood@reddit
There will be stuff that you have that they don’t. If not materialistic, then as a person. It takes a lot to admit to feeling jealous, for those reasons too. You must have more depth to you than your first friend, someone not owning their own home at twenty five in 2025 is an insane thing to be shocked by, especially considering he’s had his given to him. It shows a real lack of awareness, worldly and self. You sound like you’re a good person, and you’re in a good position, be nice to yourself.
This_Suit8791@reddit
First of all I think nothing of your friend saying about you haven’t bought a how yet. From what you have said they haven’t bought a house yet either.
Being jealous is your mindset unfortunately and only you can break it. Out of my group of friends I was the one who got the least money when going to the shop or cinema etc. Sometimes I did think to myself it wasn’t fair but would never go so far as to say I was jealous.
I’m much older now but one thing I have learned in life is only you can change things, it might seem dramatic but if your friends are rubbing it in and making you jealous then they aren’t very good friends and maybe you need to stop hanging around with them. As people have said there’s always going to be people better off than you so you just have to learn to accept that.
You are doing great if you have a car and looking to buy a house and you should be proud of yourself.
EastisSE@reddit
It may be the unhealthy side of your strengths. It sounds like you’re motivated and have purpose, which is great. That suggests you’re competitive. That competitiveness however can also mean it’s difficult to have gratitude, relax and accept the deep injustices of life.
I’ll stop now as I don’t know you but there’s my pop psychology for the day!
AcreCryPious@reddit
There will always be people in better situations than too, there well always be people in worse situations. If you spend your life constantly comparing yourself to either group then you will not enjoy life.
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