Leaving behind newly widowed Dad with no other family
Posted by Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 49 comments
I (38F) am married (34M), with two young kids (both under 5). When we married, I promised my husband we'd move from the UK to his home country (Lithuania).
Recently lost my Mum to cancer and we're currently with my Dad (80) to keep an eye on him and sort things out. Now my husband is still wanting to move back, and I want to honour my promise to him. However, the thought of leaving my Dad by himself (I'm an only child), is tearing me apart. He's currently in great shape both physically and mentally for his age, and my husband has said he's happy to stay until 2030, but dreading going if he's not in good shape by that point as there's no other immediate family left.
Hoping for some insight from anyone who's been in a similar position. TIA.
PralineNo65@reddit
Lot can happen between now and 2030. You are right in not wanting to leave your dad alone. You did not foresee passing of your mum when you made the promise to your husband. What is the reason your husband wants to go back? I am not familiar with your part of the world, but isn’t quality of life better in UK? As parents get older they become our children and need similar care. That’s circle of life.
Traveling_Blonde@reddit
Stay and look after your dad. Worry about 2030 when it gets here, it until then. A lot of things can change. Help your husband find a meaningful life in the UK.
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Thank you for providing the rational response. With things being so fresh with Mum, it's easier to worry about the future than stay in the here and now sometimes.
bubblegumscent@reddit
As a widow, I had to travel while losing my marbles because I couldn't stop going crazy out of grief. Stay with you dad, travel with the husband do fun things together
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Sorry for your loss and thank you for the insight.
StevieLostAgain@reddit
Oh, I’m sorry.
Mama_of_Mooses@reddit
I think I'd leave now with plans for frequent visits back, quarterly if possible. I agree that you could have your dad visit for extended seasons. But he's in the best health he's going to be in NOW. Your kids are at a good age to be bilingual and adapt. And if things are not going to work in Lithonia, better to find out sooner rather than later.
Both-Basis-3723@reddit
My mom is 78 with brain cancer. I guess we had the benefit of my brother’s life falling apart and moving in with her. Her cancer is going amazingly well but it’s hard. She wants to live her life her way. I’ve suggested she move to Spain or Thailand where she can live better than growing old in the USA. Her friends and her life are too important. That said, I’m not going to raise my boys in the USA. I try to get over once or twice a year but it’s hard. Right now, she doesn’t “need” me but someday she might.
Anonymous30005000@reddit
Yes, my mentor was super active and independent at 80 but by 84 she was willing to move to live with her daughter. OP’s dad could be of a very different mindset after living without his wife for a year or two and progressing in the aging process. It also depends greatly on how he spends his time. My elderly dad was a loner who never had appointments with friends, but he was emotionally attached to certain restaurants, stores, and art museums. His most common social activity was to attend artists’ gallery show openings. If he had lived into his 80’s I’m sure he could have become interested in moving out of the country with me and my husband/children as long as there would be comparable shops, restaurants, and museums where he could get his fix of favorite things. OP should really analyze her father’s personality and lifestyle to know whether he would “never” move or just needs some time to get acquainted with the idea.
Both-Basis-3723@reddit
Very true. My mom will leave her hometown feet first only. Besides it gives her something to complain about haha
Odd_Dot3896@reddit
I mean, if your husband is a good husband he wouldn’t even think twice about staying to take care of your dad.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
Her dad is in good health.
Odd_Dot3896@reddit
Maybe physically, but mentally & emotionally most likely not.
Anonymous30005000@reddit
I sold my house and moved in with my dad cross country after my mom died and he barely was willing to interact with me, wouldn’t leave the house, and basically wasn’t grateful at all that I was there trying to connect with him when all he wanted to do was watch Netflix and work on his paintings alone in the basement. So just keep in mind that elders are the same as any other adults: have their good and bad traits, some are more selfish than others, not all wrinkled cute angels, etc. I could tell he was depressed but he rejected going to any doctors appointments and after 1.5 years he passed of something that probably could have been fixed if he had been willing to go to the doctor. I wouldn’t sacrifice your own needs or those of your husband and children just to be there for your elderly father unless you knew for sure that it was very necessary and appreciated. Some grandparents claim to want their grandchildren around and then only make time to see them a couple times a year. It really depends.
Odd_Dot3896@reddit
Yeah but this person seems quite close to their father, their situation might not be yours. Ultimately, I can’t read their mind.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/PetPeeves/s/Gj2cyBOnko
Anonymous30005000@reddit
Stay for another year and then reevaluate in 2026, 2027, etc. You’ll be better able to judge how important your presence is to your dad. He might not need you as much as you think. Or he might even stop feeling so attached to his current lifestyle and routine without your mom around. He might become more inclined to travel.
yarndaddy@reddit
Is your dad up for an adventure?
Cojemos@reddit
A lot can happen between now and 2030. Look after your dad. He looked after you. Now it's your turn to give back the love.
photogcapture@reddit
I am an only child. I lost my mom first, and my dad was in his early 80’s. We are in the US, but I live a 4hr plane ride away. At first I visited every six months. If your dad is well connected with lots of friends, and neighbors who visit with him, he may be fine. Mine was more lost and grief stricken than he let on. The loss of a spouse is one of the hardest to endure. My dad chose to engage in life and stay busy, and died at 89. As he started to decline, I traveled back every six-eight weeks to check in and deal with things. This is what I did, and a friend did the same, traveling between the US and St Lucia. As a mother yourself, traveling may not be possible! Kids and life will fill your time (as they should). I would wait!! Also, please check on the safety/political climate. I worry for Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia!!
Roman_of_Ukraine@reddit
From russia occupied territories I beg to not go Lithuania! The preparing to something and I not be surprised it would be on Baltics. Call me paranoid but those legislations and other stuff doesn't make sense if they just to keep things as they are
Minskdhaka@reddit
Why not take your dad with you if you do go? I know various people who bring their parents to a different country either permanently or for extended stays of months at a time.
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
I know he won't move with us, but he might go for extended stays. Will try that idea out, thank you!
Hi-kun@reddit
Don't make him move but invite to "stay for a while"
KiplingRudy@reddit
Give him a couple years to adjust, then if he won't move, that's his choice.
At 80 he has to accept the fact that he'll need help from one source or another. If he refuses to move with you but also refuses to move to assisted living, you need to be blunt about the future.
LibrarianByNight@reddit
My dad died in 2017, so it's not a recent loss, but we just moved to Denmark, leaving my mom in the US. She's in her late 70s but in good health. She does have extended family (brother and sister in law, nieces and nephews) and friends, so she's not alone, but of course I still worry. We didn't want to wait any longer to move as our kids are getting older. They miss her a lot, but we do video calls and will plan at least one long trip back a year and will have her come here again as well (she came with us for a few weeks when we moved).
To all the people suggesting you move your dad with you- even if he wanted to go, how would this work, immigration wise? Most countries don't just let you move family members who aren't your children or spouse and I don't think your father will obtain a work visa at his age...
Spirit_Bitterballen@reddit
Right: 5 years is a while so good on your husband for not setting a really right deadline. Sounds like he understands but yes, situation is tough.
This will sound awful but your dad’s social circle may come apart over the next few years if his pals start dying. His life may also become “smaller” and he may be more open to a move in 5y than now. That said, he will undoubtedly be more infirm by 2030.
So - what’s elderly care like in Lithuania? Could he live with you? Is property affordable so you could get a large place with a “grandpa flat”? Is learning the language something you could do together as a project?
Making assumptions here if it’s like Estonia then you and he and your family could have a very nice little life together. But moving to another country is a huge ask for someone who’s lived in the UK all this time so expect him to say no.
Tough call.
Multiverse_Money@reddit
Take dad with- Lithuanians are nice, he will have fun. You will have help for trip. Hug some trees there for me!
FrauAmarylis@reddit
I think you should delay 1 year and then move.
Your dad could live until 100, and you or your husband could die tomorrow.
CrazyQuiltCat@reddit
You need to consider any children. It will be easier for them to integrate the younger they are.
2seriousmouse@reddit
My friend was in a similar situation with her widowed mom. Her mother said she would never move to the country her daughter was in but as her health declined, her friends started dying and she couldn’t handle things on her own, she was convinced to move and it turns out she loves it. She has her own space in her daughter’s house, she sees her grandkids daily, and she has made friends. It was very, very important to help her cultivate friendships and set her up to live her own life and let her live her life on her own terms the best she can with her health conditions.
Maybe after some time to grieve your father will be okay where he is, or maybe he will be open to moving with you, but you would have to make sure he will not feel alone and friendless in a foreign country where he probably won’t learn the language.
BlacksmithNew4557@reddit
Does dad have any interest to go with?
Able-Exam6453@reddit
Do stay in the UK. Lithuania isn’t going anywhere, and who knows how long you’ll have your dad anyway. I think you’d regret leaving him behind for the rest of your life. I’m very sorry for your loss and for the situation you find yourself in.
As suggested in another comment, make the. List of like in Britain now. Your husband might gradually find he can’t tear himself away after all! Things sound tense over there right now, but it will surely settle back down again. Dont lose hope.
werchoosingusername@reddit
You got 5 years to plan accordingly
Please Stop worrying. Use that energy to enjoy being with your entire family and to make plans for the future.
throwawaybodybypb@reddit
OP, I’m going to provide a contrast to a lot of the people here. I am also an only child and I lost my mom a few years ago - so the loss isn’t as fresh for my dad - but I moved about 7000 mi away earlier this year. I also have a young child and did struggle with the thought of taking her far away from her grandfather (and far away from my husband’s parents as well).
However - it was the right thing to do. My dad is in good health, and if that were to change, I would consider moving back. For now, we rely on technology and also plan trips (us back home for a bit, him coming to Japan to visit). We don’t know how long we will be here - at least a few years - but I believe it would be harder for you to go in 2030 vs. going to Lithuania now and perhaps planning to return in 2030?
swarleyknope@reddit
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it’s good to talk through options and possible scenarios, but also discuss the need for flexibility. Goals & commitments are meaningful - that said, a lot can change in 4 years.
Most importantly, you need time to grieve and process losing your mother without the added pressure of worrying about the future. Now isn’t a good time to be making big decisions - focus on giving yourself time to heal and being with you father. 💕
Terrible-Awareness68@reddit
Why don’t you talk about the realities of a plan dependent on your dad’s health in 2030? Does longevity run in his family? What are the changes he is around another 10+ years? You need to have practical conversations of how you might handle that reality. Flights seem feasible and that you could get somewhere in the UK within 4+ hours?
It sounds like your husband is flexible and it sounds like you also want to honor your promise to your husband. Can/do you spend summers or holidays in Lithuania until the move happens?
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Honestly we have no clue as to his longevity. His Dad died in his 50s, his brother in his 70s (both due to circumstances that aren't hereditary), and his Mum well into her 80s.
Flights are definitely feasible, and agree it's worth thinking about options based on how he is come 2030.
We've not tried holidays to Lithuania yet, but might suggest that as an option for next year - thank you!
Terrible-Awareness68@reddit
Definitely a good way to help with the eventual transition! Easier said than done: see where the next 5 years take circumstances and revisit the conversation as it gets closer when you have a clearer idea of what may be reality. And until then enjoy immersing your family in Lithuanian culture!
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Thank you 😊
StevieLostAgain@reddit
Can you move with him?
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Sadly not - he really hates travelling...
HVP2019@reddit
When you had made a promise how did envision you two will handle future elderly care?
When I was thinking about our own future plans: should we settle in my country, should we settle in my partner’s country, should we spend X years here and X years there, I knew that we both have parents, who can get sick at any time, especially as they will get older, and I knew that there will funerals.
We found, not perfect, but reasonably good solution that was satisfactory for my partner and I.
With time, we have been making necessary adjustments to our original plans.
With time we learned to live with idea that our solutions aren’t perfect.
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Thank you - learning to live with imperfect solutions and being able to adapt are two things I really need to learn. Appreciate the wisdom.
donksky@reddit
help your dad grieve and rebuild his life until 2030 - depending on his personality, get his social life up, invite him to move, etc. my dad was offended when we suggested he moved to a home (cultural issue) - accused us of expecting him to die soon
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
That sounds awful, I'm sorry... I have a sneaky suspicion we'd have a similar response if we suggested some form of sheltered housing. Might look into it depending how things are in 2030. Thank you.
flicka_face@reddit
Disclaimer: I’ve never been in anything close to this situation.
Have you tried sharing your feelings and asking him if he’d be willing to come along? I know moving is scary at an older age but it might also be the chance for a little adventure later in life. I know if my only daughter (and grandkids) left I’d want to be near them, especially if that’s all I have left.
He might be angry you’d leave, he’ll more than likely be happy you had him in mind, but more than anything a good dad would want you to life your life fully without holding back - regardless of his decision. Maybe you need to hear that from him more than anything.
Evening_Jelly_9855@reddit (OP)
Thank you for the different perspective.
He's very much wanting to stay where he is (he's only moved one town over from where he was born, only left the UK once, very much not keen on travelling), so no chance he'll come with us. We've not discussed it in depth, but he is aware that we intend to leave the UK eventually.
BackpackJack_@reddit
Stay with your dad. It’s worrisome to leave him by himself since (1) your mom’s death is recent and (2) people tend to crave companionship as they get older. As another commenter said, you can worry about 2030 when it gets there. If your dad’s willing to move with you and your husband to the UK, you can slowly make preparations.