What’s the punishment now?
Posted by tgbarbie@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 165 comments
My sister had to pick my 16 yo niece up last night from the ER because she drank too much at a party. A house party. The mom was home and drove my niece to the hospital. She got an IV and threw up a LOT on her own but no other treatment. Went home honestly ok. This was her first time ever doing anything like this, hopefully learned her lesson. She says she’s never drinking again. But what is the consequence in this day and age? My sister and her husband both work, so they are not home to monitor. My niece needs the phone since she goes to school 30 minutes away and has commitments, so grounding doesn’t just punish her, it’s all wrapped up in other responsibilities. Is it just grounded on weekend nights? What actually punishes kids these days?
Zestyclose_Hand_8233@reddit
Punishment isnt one size fits all. You kinda have to know her to know what is most effective
Alarming-Progress220@reddit
First and foremost how is the Mother who was hosting the house party or "supervising" the house party not in jail for providing alcohol to a minor/s? secondly phone tracker straight to school. straight to responsibilities zero extra curricular activities. no hanging out with friends, increased house chores.
XennialQueen@reddit
I’ve heard of so many parents now who just stock up their houses with booze because they think it’s ok because they’re home. It’s insane to me
Sausage_Queen_of_Chi@reddit
I know parents who did that in the 90s. Turns out the parents were doing coke in their bedroom while teenagers were drinking in the rest of the house. They got into a lot of trouble when the cops showed up. Super fun party though.
newtonboi8@reddit
That was my thought when I read the title. I thought it was a legal question. I think I would get law enforcement involved. Providing alcohol to minors to this degree could be a felony in a lot of places. I would at least make sure other parents at my child’s school knew how dangerous this household in question is.
LifeIsButADream11111@reddit
If the niece told the ER doctors what happened, that mom will definitely be getting a visit from the police and maybe even child protective services.
charliefussel@reddit
She might not have. I can remember a few birthday party sleepovers where people snuck in alcohol and/or drugs. The parents were unaware as we would hang out in the backyard and they’d leave us be because we were 16. But if she did know, then she absolutely be held accountable
Village_Particular@reddit
It was described as a “house party”. Doesn’t sound like kids sneaking some drinks in the basement like we used to do. If that’s the case, what kind of maniac does that kind of shit??
ToWitToWow@reddit
I did this in High School. Got way too drunk at a house party and had to be cared for by multiple guys there all night.
It’s one of my most embarrassing memories related to drinking and honestly, in a long life of a lot of fun it’s probably what kept me from binging like a lot of other people.
I don’t think you need punishment so much as conversation emphasizing responsibility and safety, especially as she gets older and more independent.
Sausage_Queen_of_Chi@reddit
Same, I was not new to drinking, but I didn’t know how to measure. At a party after high school graduation, I thought a Dixie cup was an appropriate shot glass. I didn’t need medical intervention but apparently I got a reputation that I was an alcoholic. What a great lasting memory to leave behind. The embarrassment was a good lesson.
kalitarios@reddit
Story time...
So, at 19 years my parents left me alone for 2 weeks while they went on a cruise. In the middle of summer, AC blasting, Floyd on full volume, drinking vodka and eating pizza in the other, I decided it was a good idea to put a bottle of vodka in the freezer the night before. I was chasing Finlandia with orange juice and waiting for the buzz to kick in. It didn’t… until it really did. I apparently downed the whole 750 bottle in about 30 minutes and passed TF out according to the police report.
From what I was told, I rolled onto the remote and set “Money” to repeat at max volume. My dad has a huge stereo. Klipsch theater speakers, massive amp, all of it. The neighbors weren’t thrilled and called the cops after about an hour of it. They showed up, saw me face down in a puddle of red-ish liquid, and thought it was a crime scene. They broke in, called the paramedics, and I woke up in the hospital, totally out of it.
I was in and out of consciousness, hearing familiar voices... parents, aunt, uncle, neighbor, all trying to reassure me. Eventually, I was released and taken home in complete silence. I asked to lie down, and my parents lost it. No physical punishment, but they made me clean up the mess, vacuum while hungover, mow the lawn, punch nails into the deck, and even carve a 2x4 into toothpicks. They stripped my room of anything remotely fun.
Why were they so mad? Oh... maybe because they’d just spent $2,500 on a cruise and had to be heli-lifted off the ship because of me. My dad called in a favor with the chief of police (a good family friend), which sparked a town investigation. Not eligible for a refund and a ton of embarrassment, stress and a LOT of pissed off people on the ship when it had to divert, the investigation into what happened to get them off the ship, the while 9 yards.
Years later after mom died, my dad told me the cops thought I was dead. My medical record shows a BAC of .38, and I had to talk to a psychiatrist afterward. My mom stayed in denial for years. I also lost my job because I no showed while in the hospital for drinking, they didn't care. I got canned.
I was a smart kid who made really dumb decisions sometimes. I’m lucky the neighbors called when they did, or I simply wouldn't be here.
Blackbird136@reddit
0.38 holy SHIT.
The only time I’ve ever been breathalyzed (not driving, just underage also at a house party) I blew 0.12 and I was shitfaced. I cannot even imagine 3x that.
To be fair I was 18 and it was maybe my second time ever drinking so I’m sure I function better now…but omg still.
BeLOUD321@reddit
No you likely do not function better now!!!
Tylerdurden389@reddit
When I was 22 I made the mistake of doing 7 shots in less than 2 hours, after not having drank at all for about 3 or 4 months. I ended up laying down on my friends floor unable to move for another 3 hours until I finally puked (in his toilet, thankfully), and felt good enough to walk home.
I swore off hard liquor until I was 31, and have been VERY careful with the stuff ever since.
Blackbird136@reddit
What’s wild is that, like most people our age, I do feel worse the day after drinking than I did in my younger years. I often feel like crap after only 1-3 beers or servings of wine.
But somehow not with liquor! As long as I don’t go crazy and keep it to 3 drinks max, I feel fine the next day. Way better than with the same servings of beer or wine. It’s so strange.
Tylerdurden389@reddit
Only reasonable answer I can only surmise: less fluid=less bodily breakdown processes.
kalitarios@reddit
Drank myself straight into a coma, basically. Contrary to my mother’s adamant denial, I had been drinking and smoking since 14 with my friend’s older brother and a few other guys using “we’re going camping in the woods” as a cover story. Dad told me later he always suspected, but Mom never did. He was just glad I wasn’t alone and weren’t driving. She told the cops who came to investigate that I never drank. Dad said they laughed whe she said that.
I was in lethal range of alcohol poisoning, which is why there was an investigation about it. The cops that responded initially thought it was a homicide. To this day I can’t handle or drink vodka in anything, let alone straight.
yticomodnar@reddit
That sounds like a hell of a time and I'm glad you made it through it OK.
That said... Honestly? That sounds like an amazing punishment. You want to crash and sleep off your mistakes? Oh, no. You're going to do hard, physical labor with loud power tools while hungover until you've learned your lesson.
Smart parents. And sorry for your loss.
kalitarios@reddit
Thanks, and I can’t fault them for being mad. They did their best, and honestly I did learn a lesson from that. At the time I was more upset with myself for letting it go that far. They had me dead to rights!
dollyphartin100@reddit
The Cha-Ching sound effects from Money blaring on repeat for the neighbors has me rolling
OffModelCartoon@reddit
I know lol it’s an awful, terrifying story but I couldn’t help but chuckle imagining that part
oldscotch@reddit
That intro really does sound fucking sweet with a kickass amp.
oldscotch@reddit
That stereo may have saved your life, .38 is well into alcohol poisoning territory.
kalitarios@reddit
Yeah it is. I was used to drinking at parties so I thought I could handle it. One of a few times I should have died. Someone’s looking out for me up there
Chancey3@reddit
That’s… pretty BAD😬
kalitarios@reddit
That’s why to this day I can’t drink vodka without gagging. Even mixed into a drink or seltzer it tastes like rubbing alcohol
Alternative-Sense-36@reddit
You're here "alive" to talk about it...Gratitude🙏
ontheroadtv@reddit
If you got sent to the hospital for drinking why are sports an option? Punishment is inconvenient, that’s why it’s a punishment. She doesn’t need a phone, go to school or be at home. When you’re at home you are doing something, cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, mowing the lawn. Home, school, home. That’s it. No sports, no activity, no fun. Consequences work because they are consequences, not because they are lip service. A flip phone doesn’t complicate it because “all that” goes away. If you want a kid to grow up as an adult who understands that’s choices have consequences you make it a big deal when they are kids.
dadlyphe@reddit
I did something dumb like that in high school and my parents turned every picture of me in the house face down. It stung. Stung so much that my family and friends still laugh about it 25 yrs later.
If you want to make a lasting impression on her, turn all of her pics in the house face down.
djfix@reddit
Yardwork. Lots of yardwork.
auramaelstrom@reddit
The one time I was caught drunk off my ass my dad woke me up at dawn to shovel snow. We had a snow blower. He just wanted to teach me a lesson. Thankfully he didn't tell my mother or I would probably still be grounded.
LifeIsButADream11111@reddit
Your dad sounds like every 80s or 90s parent. My father did this to my brother once. We need to bring back 80s parenting.
LifeIsButADream11111@reddit
If she told the doctors that her friend’s mom let her drink, that mom is about to get a visit from the police and probably child protective services. The blame for their lives being upended will be placed on your niece. That’ll be punishment and she probably won’t be invited many places again.
FoolishWorlds@reddit
That mom should be in trouble for letting kids drink at their house
International-Ad1828@reddit
I came home drunk at 16 and my dad called the cops on me. The officer sat at the table and said there isn’t much I can do outside giving a minor in possession ticket. My dad exclaimed, “do that!” I had to blow and blew .114. I never understood why he did that, he drove me to court and paid the fine.
wtfworld22@reddit
In my opinion, it gave you a real life consequence. Get pulled over drunk and blow a .118, you're going to the drunk tank for the night and losing your license
Proof-Emergency-5441@reddit
They didn't say they were driving.
International-Ad1828@reddit
I wasn’t, I didn’t have my license then.
As a parent now, I cannot see myself purposely ensuring my child can be in the criminal justice system.
But the comment above yours did give me a chance to reflect. My dad liked to be in control. At that age he would buy my girlfriends and me peach schnapps to drink and allowed us to drink at my home regardless of how the other parent may have felt about it.
Icy_Director9055@reddit
I was the "cool" mom when my daughter was in high school & played basketball. Her teammates were always at our house. When they were all seniors, I asked all their parents if they were okay with me serving them different alcohols to be ready for college parties, etc. All but one said yes. I had 7 girls stay over that night. I had them taste tequila, whiskey, vodka, gin etc. Mostly cheap (think broke college kids) to see what they liked & didn't like. Then made mixed drinks with them. Told them to ASK what liquor was in the pretty blue or pink drink that would be in a jug at whatever party they'd be at once at college. Feel like they learned that night & they as well as their parents, thanked me. If you don't know...You. Don't. Know.
LBC11-11J@reddit
This happened to my son at an after-prom party junior year. He is now 26. He says the talk, our disappointment, his embarrassment were punishment enough. However, he was grounded and almost everyday there was a new lesson/talk for us to get through for about a week. For example, I got him a red solo cup and told him to tell me when to stop regarding how much vodka he put in the drink. I was using a shot glass. (He basically had a cup of vodka with a splash of lemonade). We talked about one drink and one glass of water every our if he choosing to drink. We talked about how to get out of a car if a friend has been drinking or just driving erratically. We talked about calling home for help and if I answered he would call me dad- it was a signal to come get him. (I’m the mom) He says every time I would say- this could have been very different. We could have buried you because of your decisions that night, his heart broke. So, yes, that is the consequence that changed him for the better, but yes, basically grounded- always supervised for like 4 months. Good luck
ipsumdeiamoamasamat@reddit
Using the word “disappointed” with anyone, especially kids, is a dagger.
squarebodynewb@reddit
Not with my kids. Maybe i told them how proud i am of them too much? Im just glad they for the most part turned out better than me.
ONLY time it was effective was with my daughter when i told her i was dissapointed in her choice to get back with a boyfriend a third time who was just lazy with her. He expected a mom, not a companion. She had to make the plans otherwise they would just "hangout" with his parents. Complete plans to include leaving, had to keep an eye on times for movies or events if they were eating first, just wanted to stay home and watch horror movies anytime nothing was scheduled for him. I blame the mom, she did it for her husband and 3 boys so im not surprised.
Sara_Lunchbox@reddit
As someone who drank at a lot of house parties in HS, I wish someone would have taught me what a safe amount to drink was. I didn’t like getting too drunk or being hungover, but I didn’t really know how to avoid it.
OffModelCartoon@reddit
Yeah I was taught “don’t drink too much” but wasn’t taught what “too much” looked like at all. Back then I didn’t even know that wine, beer, and liquor all had different percentages. Sounds stupid now but why would I have known that as someone who had never drank alcohol before? Beer tasted yucky to me so I figured it had more alcohol, but cocktails tasted just like lemonade so I figured they were safe, and wine was what grownups drank and swanky parties so it couldn’t lead to getting too sloppy. Wrong on all three counts!
Sk8-BRDR@reddit
Noted!
yourlittlebirdie@reddit
I’m taking notes in case this ever happens with my kids. The way you handled this is awesome.
LBC11-11J@reddit
I also had ‘words’ with the friend who provided the alcohol. It is not a bad thing when the friends are a little bit afraid of you.
Chancey3@reddit
You’re a REALLY GOOD Parent/ Mom✨…
LBC11-11J@reddit
Thank you. I had help, it takes a village. When I would tell a friend about it, s/he had something to add to the discussion.
psiprez@reddit
As a parent, I always told my kids it was my job to give them the tools to make wise decisions, but it was up to them to be wise not get in over their heads.
Being this drunk you goto the ER vomting 'should' be its own punishment, but peer pressure is a bitch. Since she almost poisoned herself to death, you need to dial back some of the freedom until responsibility is proven. Parental dropoff and pickups, no leaving or coming home on your own. And no drivers licence until she can be trusted not to kill herself or innocent people.
Dangerous-Target-323@reddit
well, behaviorally punishment often doesn’t do much of anything but there’s still need to be consequences a definite, stern, talking to about how dangerous that was and again, if someone else already commented, indicating how disappointed the parents are in their daughter needs to be mentioned. whatever it is it she does for fun should be taken away for a amount of time that fits the crime. Often parents come down too hard, and we do want to have the punishment fit. The crime can also be made to do things around the house have to help out, it depends a lot on the niece is she acting like she’s remorseful is she acting like she doesn’t care being remorseful is definitely a good sign. It may not stop her from ever drinking again, but it may very well stop her from drinking to the point of intoxication.
Proof-Emergency-5441@reddit
Not your circus, not your monkey.
BenefitAppropriate@reddit
It's gotta cater to the kid. No matter what time we are living in.
My oldest sister loved to read, could sit in her room all day, and read happily. She wasn't allowed to read anything, not school related for a few weeks.
Middle sister not allowed in her room from the time she got home from school until about 10pm. Spending time with the family was her punishment.
Mine was grounded from church. Got in trouble with the youth group. I didn't need to be seeing them, even if it was church.
Each kid is different. My kid hates writing, so he writes me a report on what he did wrong.
Katerade44@reddit
A similar thing happened to my niece. My sister searched up a bunch of local deaths related to alcohol poisoning and where the deceased were buried. She had my niece use some of her saved up allowance money to buy a bunch of flowers. They spent a full Saturday going from grave site to grave site and graveyard to graveyard. They read the obituary of each person and laid a flower at each gravestone.
My niece said it completely changed how she saw the value of her life and how her choices could hurt everyone she loved. She never drank after that. Now, she is in her late 20s, and she still doesn't drink.
ennuiismymiddlename@reddit
Extra chores, with a clear explanation of what will happen if it happens again.
fubo@reddit
Punishment teaches kids to hide their behavior. That's the opposite of what you want here.
megaphone369@reddit
Commenting to boost this response.
My sister and I are a great example of this approach. We're a decade apart, so we got different versions of parenting. I was rarely punished, had plenty of open conversations, and was subjected to "disappointment". I didn't really party until I got to college and even then it was pretty tame. One time when I was 19, I went to a party where a joint was laced with something really bad, but I had no reservations around calling my parents to pick me up. They were glad I did and taught me how to be more careful -- I followed their advice.
My parents got scared or something when my sister reached high school, so they banned activities, grounded her, and didn't take the time to have hard conversations. She partied so hard through high school and college and would hide some pretty dangerous behavior. I wish she'd had my version of our parents. She's doing very well now, but there were a lot of rough years.
LunarGiantNeil@reddit
Yes and no... There are still plenty of things that you can do that don't have strong enough "natural consequences" to dissuade use before things get really bad for someone. Being overly permissive is denying your judgement and experience to someone who may need them.
Punishments should be proportional. Mistakes might be their own punishment but bad judgement, especially a pattern, needs external redirection.
Gettingoffonit@reddit
The experience alone is punishment enough.
A solid lecture about the dangers and stupidity of the what she did and lessons on responsible drinking.
We started letting our kids have a drink here and there in their late teens and taught them how to pour a cocktail etc.
Between the horrible experience of drinking too much and learning how much tequila actually goes in a Margarita it should create a solid foundation for them going into the future. You’re not going to be able to keep them away from alcohol so they should at least know what is safe and normal.
LameSaucePanda@reddit
Sorry but what other punishment did you want? Grounded on weekend nights is what I would have gotten. Chores during the hangover maybe. And even then my parents would fold half the time (second kid, 8 years apart from older sister…they were tired).
eury13@reddit
Well, I'd never let my kid go to that house again. The mom was there and let kids drink to the point of needing to be taken to the hospital? JFC.
Generally I agree with others that this is more valuable as a learning opportunity and teachable moment. Talk about what responsible drinking looks like. Better to learn this lesson now than in some frat house basement in a few years.
ToonArmy0714@reddit
We have a 16yr old. Whenever she's grounded from her phone, we just change the settings to make it so she can only call/text family members we decide. No internet and no friends. Effectively takes away the phone without the issues of communicating to us when she needs to be picked up from school etc.
tomahawk66mtb@reddit
I did the same thing at 14, then again at 16. I went on to be a high functioning alcoholic until I got sober at 35.
Punishment didn't stop me, I wonder if someone had pulled me aside and explained to me that it's not normal to be a regular blackout binge drinker and got me some help things may have worked out differently? In the end, I don't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it and I try to use my experience to help others struggling with alcoholism.
theeewizzard@reddit
Same experience here. Black out drunk binge drinker from 16 until 30. I got fucked up and puked every weekend in high school. If you're an alcoholic, a hangover is no deterrent to drinking. No one ever explained the way I drank wasn't "normal." My Dad told me to go to AA when I was 19, but that was it. No help finding a meeting pre-Internet. He's not an alcoholic. I was 19, I didn't know how to find an AA meeting or even begin to self reflect. Took a DUI and a stint in county lockup at 30 to convince me I may have a small problem🤣 Been sober 16 years.
wtfworld22@reddit
Also a blackout binge drinker all the way through high school. My dad modeled the behavior and my mom was too busy keeping tabs on him to notice I was becoming him. By the grace of God, I got bored with it.
tomahawk66mtb@reddit
A hangover made drinking the next day almost mandatory for me! My only exposure to AA before walking though the door at 35 was what I'd seen in movies and TV series. Took my pregnant wife walking out with our daughter for me to get my shit together. 5 years since I last had a drink.
C_est_la_vie9707@reddit
Proud of you
C_est_la_vie9707@reddit
Well done, you.
wtfworld22@reddit
This is likely going to be a tl;dr for most but anyway... First time I got drunk, I was 15 years old in a cornfield with a pond. Now before I go any further, I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Honestly, addiction in general. I was loosely supervised as a teenager because my parent's marriage was a mess, my dad was having a years long affair, and he was a semi functioning alcoholic and my mom's main concern was keeping tabs on him. So the times from 15-20 were wild. I binge drank pretty much every weekend. I drove drunk, I road with people that were drunk. We drove around on back roads trying to get lost while we drank Boones Farm. I was 16 years old and wasted on off campus housing of a major university. I got totally blacked out in house full of guys...not a single female. Puked all over myself and had to have one of the guys help me change into some of his clothes. Luckily, they were all good guys and did not take advantage of me, but they very easily could have. That was the same night I called my parents to come get me. They swore they wouldn't yell at me or I wouldn't get in trouble if I was ever drunk and needed a ride and they held to that the one time I did call. But I was 17, reeked of puke, and in some random guys clothes. They were probably thankful I called, but at the same time I probably could have stood to be parented. Now, to be fair, I managed to be an athlete and a straight A student, so there were no real consequences to my actions, but I was running wild with nobody putting their foot down. By the grace of God, I'm here to tell the tale. Even with the girl that graduated a few years ahead of me becoming a paraplegic from riding with a drunk friend, I wasn't deterred. No matter how sick I got, it didn't matter. I aced my ACTs still drunk from the night before, so no consequences there either. Thankfully, I got bored with alcohol by the time I turned 21 and I very rarely even have a glass of wine now, but I could have very easily become a cautionary tale. I still had my moments after I turned 21 but they were short lived.
All of this to say, sometimes natural consequences don't make a difference. They'll just sober up and binge drink the next weekend or even the following night. Never assume a kid has learned their lesson because they felt like crap for a couple days or ended up in the ER.
Equivalent-Mousse-93@reddit
This may be very unpopular and I haven’t been there as a parent (yet). But my parents wanted to keep lines of communication open and when my brother had an incident with drugs and he didn’t know quite where he was or maybe even who he was, he called my parents to get him. Sure they “talked,” and his punishment was how he felt the next day, but then a year later when I was too drunk to drive at 16,I didn’t hesitate to call them.
MissAnthropic123@reddit
She doesn’t need her phone if one or more parents are home. No phone, tv, computer, or screens of any kind from 6pm until bedtime. School, homework, and then the phone is confiscated and she’s allowed to read books or do hobbies for entertainment only.
QuesoChef@reddit
I think maybe talking to her might be more impactful. I did plenty of drinking in HS but never got sick or blacked out, never drove. I think it’s worth talking about how being that drunk is not only physically dangerous (literal poisoning), but also how vulnerable it makes you. I've also goin that people who want to or can’t stop drinking until they’re sick (after learning what sick feels like), might be a sign of genetic predispositions. If any addiction runs in the family, talk about that. Then, maybe talk about drinking and driving, even if she didn’t. And do it all as compassionately as possible. See if she opens up about peer pressure or loneliness or anything.
jazzysunbear@reddit
I agree with this. Talk with her about how drinking made her feel maybe. When I first drank, my initial thought was “omg, I don’t have to feel this way anymore” because I had undiagnosed/untreated OCD and it brought a lot of relief to my brain. This turned out poorly (understatement) in later years until I got diagnosed and stopped drinking for good. I wish I had realized the relief I found and the way i wanted to drink until I was passed out wasn’t normal. Idk if anything else could have stopped me at that time (maybe pot, but that’s a different train of thought).
Mattimvs@reddit
The alcohol handled the punishment. I think a future conversation about drinking is way more important than battering her about the head about it
EmmerdoesNOTrepme@reddit
And if it didn't, the next time, she's up with her parents doing loud chores (like mowing the lawn), at 7:00 am--or going to Early Mass, if it's the weekend!😉
That's the sort of thing that my Aunts & Uncles made my cousins do, if they came home drunk.
Ad it definitely helped my cousins learn the concept of moderation and being a responsible drinker!😉😂🤣
histprofdave@reddit
First of all, going to Mass with a hangover is a Catholic tradition. Second of all... I don't remember, just turn the lights down please.
Toblogan@reddit
Lol I can attest to that! Praise Jeebus!
spanishpeanut@reddit
My brother turned 21 on Thanksgiving one year and he went out with his friends to celebrate. He came in the next morning after staying at his friend’s house after the bars. He was ROUGH. He slept during the 2 hour ride to grandparents house for Thanksgiving. He did okay until the food was served — fell asleep face down on his mashed potatoes. I thought it was funny, but no one else did.
GroundbreakingWing48@reddit
This plus I don’t trust that mom anymore. I wouldn’t say she couldn’t be friends with that particular individual/group of friends, but I would definitely require them to hang out at my house instead of their houses.
blood_bones_hearts@reddit
I dunno...my daughter tells me now about all the times her and her friends drank in my house and her friends houses and I don't know that it's necessarily bad parenting. Kids are sneaky and teens will push boundaries. You'll never control everything. Better it happened where the mom could take her to the hospital than out at a bush party somewhere.
Toblogan@reddit
As a former sneaky kid, I have to agree with you.
MadPopette@reddit
I think "yes, and." Probably some freedom restrictions along with a hug, an "I'm glad you're ok". I think our job as parents does include issuing some consequences outside of the natural ones. They shouldn't be excessive, but a weekend with minimal screen/friend time, and a few extra chores?
TheCosmicJester@reddit
As someone who got the business end of such punishments, I strongly do not recommend forcing positive behavior such as chores for punishment. I had to sell my house and move to a townhouse because my parents sowed a deep-seated loathing of yard work by making me mow the lawn.
ninetysevencents@reddit
Grow up
Mooseandagoose@reddit
Responded to the wrong comment but this is exactly why I have a misplaced resentment about raking leaves.
CuriousRiver2558@reddit
Leave the leaves for the helpful insects that need them, so you can avoid that chore with a good heart and not hold that resentment
snacks-to-naps@reddit
You mean “chose” to sell your house and move. I too was forced/made to mow and other similar chores. I hated it then, love it now. Life’s funny sometimes.
Sympathyquiche@reddit
How tedious you sound.
TheCosmicJester@reddit
I have precious little tolerance for people who choose my words for me. Knock it off.
Mooseandagoose@reddit
This is exactly why I have a deep resentment about raking leaves.
QuackBlueDucky@reddit
Yeah I'd probably also implement mandatory phone call check ins when out with friends for a bit, but the experience was enough of a punishment.
TeekTheReddit@reddit
This. Make her pay the ER bill too.
auramaelstrom@reddit
This is what I was thinking.
blood_bones_hearts@reddit
Yep. I always think "how would I have liked my parents to handle things" then I try to do that. I came to it too late because of my upbringing where punishment and berating would have been the norm but it didn't make me feel safer trusting my relationship with my parents. It just pushed me away more. So I try to do better now with my kid even though she's a young adult now.
woolsocksandsandals@reddit
Natural Consequences and thoughtful discussion. Good advice
C4bl3Fl4m3@reddit
THIS should be the top comment, along with the lessons that u/LBC11-11J gave.
kissiemoose@reddit
Grueling 8 hour work chore. Cannot chat, or hang out with friends or be online until work chore complete.
high_everyone@reddit
I mean do you press charges against the mom for providing access to alcohol?
She can claim she drove the kid to the hospital, but she endangered the kids life without the consent of the kids parents.
If the mom really was home the whole time she could have and should have cut the kids off or rationed heavily diluted alcohol.
What the fuck was the point of the mom being there in the first place, anyway? To suck up to her own kids to appear to be “cool” while their friends are busy getting toxic levels of alcohol in their system? Sick.
ThunderGunz69420@reddit
My first hangover my dad woke me up with pots and pans and AC/DC. Then he miraculously needed a bunch of help in the garage that day.
He didn't yell, he didn't belittle me, but boy howdy I will never forget that.
Years later, my son gets hospitalized after deciding that dabs with his cousin was a great way to start smoking weed (knuckleheads, both of em.) And so when he gets home, I had "Because I Got High" playing, and my own stash laid out. We had a lesson that day on safety, different types of weed consumption, all kinds of stuff. He never did smoke again. He said "It feels like you're about to get hit by a train"
What I might be saying here is she already got the punishment, she just needs a followup talk.
MistressDamned@reddit
What actually punishes kids...find some particularly onerous job around the house that's been put off and have them do that without their phone for music. They can go without a phone for a few hours while they clean and reorganize the garage. Then while they dig a new compost ditch, dust every flat surface of the house, followed by sweeping and mopping and vacuuming the floors, oh and don't forget the windows. Extra work is a punishment, especially if they're not getting paid to do it.
view-from-the-edge@reddit
Definitely shouldn't be allowed to go to parties. I would say for at least the entire school year if not all through high school. If the phone is a contributing factor that facilitates irresponsible behavior then she should lose it or at least have it restricted with parent apps. My 14 year old daughter had her phone taken away. She uses a pocket planner and a digital camera. She texts her friends on my phone when I'm around for her to use it. No, I don't read her texts. I do occasionally skim (I have to due to past behavior) but I want her to have some privacy. But she can't be trusted, sadly.
I'm not big on arbitrary punishments per se. I've never grounded my kids. The punishment fits the crime. Irresponsible phone use? Lose the phone. Irresponsible time with friends? Can't go out, or at least not with certain people. Not doing your chores? You get more chores. Did someone that cost me money? You're working it off. Stayed up too late? You're going to bed early (with no electronic devices).
Sometimes the natural consequences are enough but I definitely wouldn't allow parties after what she did. I don't care what she promises. She has shown her strength in decision making and trustworthiness and she's not strong enough yet
muhhuh@reddit
Taking the allure away from it is better than any punishment. Be open. Tell her that you’ll be happy to pick her up if she’s in a situation where she can’t drive it she’s in danger. Don’t yell at her, don’t be a dickhead about it. That’ll just lead to rebellion.
Education is key here. She did what she had to do to learn what it was like to be fucked up. We all did it.
BasicReputations@reddit
Conversation is probably enough.
Can gussy up a token punishment if you really feel it is needed, but 16 is starting to walk a narrow line on that sort of thing - nearly an adult.
Rayviin@reddit
So, I did this when I was 16. First time drinking. Shamed by my parents for it to this day (I'm nearly 50). I was grounded and made to cleanup the mess i made. Was this the right punishment? No.
I had no idea what a normal amount to drink was. I had no idea how to tell when I was reaching my limits. I had no idea I needed to drink water while drinking alcohol. I had never tested my reaction to alcohol. I had never... I had never.... I had never.
Honestly, my parents should have shamed themselves. Have real conversing about alcohol with her. At 16, you shouldn't be surprised she was exposed to alcohol and if you never had these discussions with her, what exactly did you expect to happen?
1877KlownsForKids@reddit
Check out the book Buzzed. It breaks down alcohol and drugs in a straight forward way so adults, and she'll be one soon, can make an informed choice. With all the information about the costs and rewards the decision to abstain or use responsibly becomes pretty easy to make.
CuriousRiver2558@reddit
I read that book back in undergrad for a therapy class (I was a psych major). I was experimenting with various lifestyles, and that book basically taught me to stay away from hard drugs and stick to weed.
Santos_L_Halper_II@reddit
At the risk of sounding like a boomer, I think the punishment I would’ve gotten is fine: feeling sick from the alcohol, probably having to mow the lawn hungover, and “cool mom’s house” is forever off limits.
Bubbly-Main2016@reddit
This is the best advice here.
therealpopkiller@reddit
If I had a child, I’d punish them by making them write an essay about why what they did was wrong. Focus on the emotional component - how it affected those around them. Then make them rewrite it. Explore the impact it has on others. Ideally it’ll make them more empathetic and a better writer. But that’s idyllic; without kids I can only imagine the reality of this
Awkwardpanda75@reddit
Something my gram did for me when I got sent away to live with her for a few years for being wild and out of control. Wherever I did something that broke the rules, she would immediately shut it down so I knew what the bad thing was, immediately followed up with a chore that she would do with me. I was immediately upset for getting caught but spent the next few hours in a grueling task like tilling the garden or shingling the roof with her. We worked together to finish the task.
I instilled the same in my kids.
The difference between parenting from my parents (bam, in trouble for whatever, then in lockdown or doors removed) just made me sit and focus on how pissed I was about getting my wings clipped. It only made me focus on the negative. My grams way made me want to do better for her, then eventually myself.
Such_Victory4589@reddit
I don't think this is a punishable moment, more a parenting/teaching moment.
The booze has done the damage and given niece the trauma, tough love in this scenario isn't going to help.
From someone that had a lot of emotional neglect and tough love as a kid
Peanut083@reddit
I just mentioned this story to my husband. His response was that if one of our kids did this, he’d be taking them around to the host’s place the next day so they could assist with the cleaning up.
I think my approach would be to have a very in-depth conversation about the dangers of alcohol, the importance of limiting oneself when drinking and to rub in the fact that they clearly feel like trash after getting that drunk. Honestly, based on past experience of how natural consequences have played out with my kids, I think experiencing that degree of drunkeness once would be lesson enough for them.
It’s not the same thing, but a few years ago we spent the day at the nearest surf beach as a family. Despite us being OTT with sunscreen application, we all ended up burnt to some degree. My younger son copped it the worst - he had blisters on the tops of his ears. Turns out you need to wear mineral sunscreen in the surf as chemical sunscreens get washed off quite quickly due to the waves. We’d always had a real fight up to that point to get our younger son to wear sunscreen due to his sensory issues. Not anymore. Kid still hates the feel of sunscreen, but he now sees it as a lesser evil than getting sunburnt. On the odd occasion he does start to kick off about not wanting to put sunscreen on, I just have to ask if he likes getting blisters on the top of his ears and he shuts up and applies the sunscreen.
JulietteStray@reddit
The point of a punishment is to make the lesson sink in; your kid already knows she fucked up and I don't think you'll be making it any more memorable than it already was.
Punishing her WILL teach her not to reach out for help unless she thinks she REALLY needs the help, though, because she will not want to be punished again. The problem, of course, is that kids are absolutely shit at risk assessment; if she is incentivised to wait until she is super absolutely sure she needs help, she probably needed it waaaay before then.
beardedliberal@reddit
The time has already passed, but an early morning wake-up to music with a heavy baseline, and a heavy load of ignorant chores, ie cutting firewood, picking rocks, digging a hole, and then filling it in again, combined with the question “So, what have we learned?” Are in order. lol
imtooldforthishison@reddit
I have an 18, 19 and 20 year old and I am an easy going parent however, had any of them done this at 16, they absolutely would be grounded. No car usage except for school functions, phone only outside of the room. No extracurricular activities. All electronics removed from their rooms. LOTS of talks.
Grounding a child is better than a kid not understanding consequences. A hangover is not a consequences and if she had an IV, she probably didn't even experience that.
Ashesza@reddit
Maybe pay that ER bill, those things can be scary even with decent insurance.
rttnmnna@reddit
My thoughts as well!
Important_silence@reddit
Alphabet Game! 😂 https://youtu.be/h5ujZrUBjmQ?si=FksgOVha0JNqj5Wu
All jokes aside, IMO your niece has been punished enough through the consequences of her actions and learned her lesson.
calamitoustoaster@reddit
Restricted access to wifi. Get a "punishment phone", like one for elderly parents, works as a phone but not a smart phone. When parents are home hand the phone over to them as the child doesn't need it if they are at home with parents. Instead of sending them to their room as punishment, send them to the lounge to watch TV with the parents for the evening. If they don't like what's on TV, get them a book.
tgbarbie@reddit (OP)
flip phone complicates life. The hs schedule / sports team communication, it’s all on apps. It’s not so easy to just cut that all out.
calamitoustoaster@reddit
That makes it tough, but restricting access when possible will still have an impact. I'm sure their coach or team mate would send them a text if they couldn't access the app.
tgbarbie@reddit (OP)
You overestimate the coaches.
calamitoustoaster@reddit
I've got kids of that age whi play team sports. The coaches try pretty hard. Regardless, the parents could join the groups and let their child know. It's almost like you might be the child or at least not a parent yourself. Why are you so interested in punishment for your neice? What does it have to do with you?
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Honestly you sound like a lazy parent- our parents controlled all information for us until college (for the mid 70s to 1980 born). You can’t pay attention for two weeks to discipline your kid? Surely you have access to all the information they do.
C4bl3Fl4m3@reddit
If you read carefully, they're not the parent, they're the aunt/uncle/whatever.
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Still involved in the discipline process, so…
legal_bagel@reddit
When I was 14 I got ER drunk. The hospital called PD, I was ticketed, and lost my ability to get my DL for a year.
You could always put a parent app on her phone and designate the approved contacts and Apps.
unlovelyladybartleby@reddit
You should have been up at 5 am the next day, vacuuming and cooking smoked fish. Then served the smoked fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Followed by a long serious talk and assigning a boatload of unpleasant chores.
qtjedigrl@reddit
Hate to be the one to say this, but it's not your problem or your business. I understand your desire to help, but ultimately, it's their kid and it's up to them on what to do. If they want advice, they can post on Reddit.
TurtleSandwich0@reddit
Do you want your niece to call you or her parents for a ride when she is drunk at any point in the future?
If yes, then she already has been punished enough.
Any significant punishment will only increase the likelihood that she drives herself home instead of calling for a ride.
jaymoney1@reddit
"Oh you wanna drink? Let's drink". Then go shot for shot of Jager. /s
calamitoustoaster@reddit
Ha ha ha, you can spot the gen x, xennials and millennials from the different comments. The downvoted comments are hilarious as they show the different generations and possibly the gen z who've seen the posts!
Adventurous_Cloud_20@reddit
That's a tough one.
I'd say the alcohol issued its own punishment quite effectively via the ER visit and the inevitable hangover. A good, long, honest conversation about drinking would be the best response I'd think. And you don't have to put the fear of God into her or anything like that, just express that you're glad she's OK, and that she needs to think about her choices more in the future. It worked out OK this time, but it only takes once to wreck everything for life.
If you're thinking more conventional punishment, maybe restricting her independent travel? From home to school/practices, etc, and right back home, and that's it.
under321cover@reddit
If the mom was home there are serious host laws in most states. Report it if she provided the alcohol.
tomqvaxy@reddit
Make her pay the ER bill.
ThePicassoGiraffe@reddit
I hate how everything is handled on fucking apps. Thats all I have to say about this
Similar_Tie3291@reddit
No punishment necessary IMO
DooficusIdjit@reddit
Punishment doesn’t really fix behavior. It can dissuade some egregious things if the punishment is severe, but it mostly just creates angst and disharmony that leads to more acting out.
Her “punishment” should be more adult investment in her life. Before it’s too late. Trust me, that is MISERABLE for teenagers. She clearly needs it.
481126@reddit
As a CF mom I've been in the PICU quite a few times with my kid the end of May and there will be a few kids each Friday and Saturday coming in from drinking too much after Prom or Graduation. Scary stuff.
I personally would expect her to be at home unless at those commitments for the next while. Serious talks about the potential consequences because it could have been a lot worse.
groovychaosfox@reddit
Whatever it is, just remember, we are not our parents and the worst thing we can do is become them.
ipsumdeiamoamasamat@reddit
Most high school sports associations suspend kids for the remainder of the season if alcohol use is discovered (and the coach is supposed to report it). In theory, of course.
West-Veterinarian-53@reddit
Learn how to use screen time. My kid is in trouble right now too. I deleted all non-essential apps & blocked the App Store.
Relevant-Package-928@reddit
The natural consequence of winding up in the ER, is the punishment. Having your niece come up with a plan to earn back her parents' trust, is the punishment. Having your niece find a way to demonstrate that she is serious about not drinking again, is the punishment.
ExampleMysterious870@reddit
How did your sister react? I never did anything because I feared disappointing my parents. If you don’t show disappointment at their actions I can’t imagine them somehow understanding how bad it was.
I would ban my kid from seeing this family ever again. That mom would be on my shit list forever. This is such a poor line decision I can’t imagine what other terrible things she’s teaching her kid. It’s not a perfect solution but it’s a start. Bad influences kill.
callsitlikeiseenit@reddit
She doesn’t need a phone. Mom and dad know when practice or games end and can meet her accordingly.
GutsAndBlackStufff@reddit
Wake her up and give her a shit ton of chores to do.
She can sleep it off tonight.
TheCosmicJester@reddit
The tricky part: You still want the kid to be able to trust you if they do something like this again and need help. It’s pretty clear she realizes she screwed up, so maybe just talk about ways to stay safe in the future and establish a game plan for if she’s feeling peer pressure.
Also, if she likes science, Kurzgesagt has an excellent series of videos about the effects of different drugs. I saw they did an alcohol one, haven’t had a chance to watch it myself, but if it’s like the ones I’ve seen about fentanyl and amphetamines it should be excellent viewing for anyone who even might partake.
_buffy_summers@reddit
I do think that getting sick from drinking too much is a punishment in and of itself. But if she seems like she's not remorseful, making her pay that bill might be the next step.
DeadheadCaniac@reddit
Most of us have done serious fuck ups when we're young. I really think the most important thing is for a kid to know we will always be there for them. If my kid gets drunk at a party/date/whatever and things turn bad, I want them to know I will help them.
Not saying there won't be consequences if necessary, but in the moment I will be there for them. If things become patterns then that has to be addressed, but a situation like this I think the lesson has probably been learned.
TiKi_Effect@reddit
You can brick a smart phone, or only allow the apps you want her to have during approved times. It’s what I do when my kid(s) get into trouble. But other than that I think just grounding while at home. Then see where it goes.
DHammer79@reddit
There is no internet and a flip phone. I know you said flip phone complicates life, but that's kinda the point. Actions have consequences. As the parent, you keep the main phone and input all the dates into the flip phone for the punishment period. Yeah, it sucks for the parents, but that's also part of raising a child. But first, I'd have a convo with them about their choices.
BloodyPaleMoonlight@reddit
If it were me, I'd go to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, ask if it would be appropriate to take her to the meetings, and then do so for a while if it is.
histprofdave@reddit
For a night of teenage revelry? You can't be serious.
Junior_Mixture5645@reddit
Open meetings are the kind anyone can go to.
Global-Jury8810@reddit
I think that she suffered enough punishment at her own hands. She is not likely to engage in the activity again.
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Flip phone.
tgbarbie@reddit (OP)
flip phone complicates life. The hs schedule / sports team communication, it’s all on apps. It’s not so easy to just cut that all out.
xargos32@reddit
Sounds like she's in a rather privileged position for a teenager. Between the distance to school and "needing" an app I'm guessing she's not going to the local public school.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
You can get parental control apps that allow the kid to use some apps and not others. Give them time on the phone. Limit who they can call or text. Etc.
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Yeah I kind of figured that’s why I edited. But I’m sure a schedule can be checked by a parent daily and communicated to a kid- just like three old days. Students didn’t get the info back in the 1990s.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
Or parental controls to lock the smart phone down harder than a flip phone.
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Yeah I thought about that too- but again, I have no knowledge. But this seems like an option. Like access to phone calls, emails, and school apps- is that an option?
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
Yup. Block internet and certain sites. Social media. You tube. Make it so she can see the school apps, call parents and limit everyone else. Block discord. Shit off access after a certain time. Don’t let the phone go into her bedroom. Etc. I’ve done it with my kids phones when they were grounded.
The_best_is_yet@reddit
This. I told my 11 yo daughter that if we ever got her a phone it would be a flip phone. She cried for hours and begged us to just not get her a phone.
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
Imagine being embarrassed by any cell phone. But I also use old iPhones which apparently some adults find embarrassing 🤷♀️