I have a daughter starting high school this week.

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ExtremelyWonderful@reddit

No, absolutely not. All of those kids are doomed. Let your kid grow up.

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That’s what we keep telling ourselves, meanwhile, my daughter is currently without a lunch table because the other kids parents organized who would sit with each other over the weekend, before they even get to school…

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yodaface@reddit

Why can't she just sit next to her friends?

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

There are 8 spots at a table, the parents of a few of them organized with a few girls they knew of and some older kids that they said are friends, my daughter would be number 9 in this situation. The girls wrote her back saying they would love to sit with her but the parents figured it out.

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Sausage_Queen_of_Chi@reddit

I mean, I’m a total rule follower, but this is insane that these kids won’t adjust their lunch seating because their parents said so.

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blessitspointedlil@reddit

Could it be that the girls don’t want to sit with her and are using their parents as an excuse?

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_buffy_summers@reddit

It sounds to me (and please forgive me for saying this) like these girls are telling your daughter this to shield themselves from the fact that they don't want to sit with her. It sucks, and I can sympathize. When I started high school, all of my former friends decided to hold some sort of intervention, to tell me and another girl that we were no longer welcome.

I give it three weeks before that entire group has some kind of drama happening and they all need to sit somewhere else.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

That occurred to us, but these are the same girls that initiated some things over the summer and did invite my daughter and have been in touch with her throughout the summer, so we didn’t think that was the case.

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Tiny-Reading5982@reddit

Do they only have 1 lunch? My daughter started high school 2 weeks ago and they have 3 lunches and she only knows 2 people so they just stay in English class and eat there.

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MaddyKet@reddit

And the fact the kids aren’t immediately ignoring the parents crazy plans once they get to school is nuts to me.

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fer_sure@reddit

I'm a high school teacher. I can't imagine not letting them move chairs.

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NotTheJury@reddit

That is really bizarre! My teens are in 10th and 8th and they would be mortified if this is how I tried to manage their lives.

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nerdylegofam@reddit

This is how art majors are made.

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Sausage_Queen_of_Chi@reddit

Can she ask to join them? Is there no room at that lunch table? Are there other kids who are sitting alone who she can approach?

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Great_Produce4812@reddit

Do you live in an especially affluent part of town or like a place where a lot of people are into the same line of work? Is it a private school? That might explain this Severance type behavior. Otherwise I don't get it.

Does she eat lunch alone daily? I would definitely intervene with the principal or someone at a parent committee level. This is not behavior I'd want seen at any school. You don't have to tell her about it. Or maybe just tell her that this isn't normal and you're gonna speak with the guidance counselor or someone to just see what's going on, because while it's fine she's friends, parents controlling teenage children's behavior like this is idiotic, toxic and harmful.

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Equal_Question_4594@reddit

This blows my mind 😲 I don’t have kids, but that kind of insanity explains some of the stories from my friends who are currently teaching undergrads.

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PuppyJakeKhakiCollar@reddit

I don't have kids either but now I understand the number of parents who drive their teens to the school bus stop a block or two away every morning, then park and let the kid stay in the car until the bus comes. I can see it in bad weather, but not every single day. And it's a neighborhood with sidewalks.

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Practical-Plenty907@reddit

I do this. My teen throws a fit if I don’t. I don’t want to, but it is what is expected of parents these days. All the other parents are doing the same. None of them walk.

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Longjumping_Cod_9132@reddit

Get a raincoat.

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Billy-Ruffian@reddit

My ex wife does this every day when she has the kids. Admittedly it's a fairly long walk to the bus stop, maybe ten minutes? I kind of understood it when they were little, but they're all older now and so annoyed by it. My house has a lot more rules and structure, but also a lot more freedom and independence.

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Equal_Question_4594@reddit

That’s wild! Are these parents xennials? I’d hate to think that any of us, who enjoyed feral formative years, are doing any of that helicopter parent sh*t 😬

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QuesoChef@reddit

Also, explains how hard the transition into work can be. So many young employees are in and out the door. One coworker admitted she wanted to go to her daughter’s interview with her (not to work at my employer), and that explained so much to me.

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aurelianwasrobbed@reddit

I do have kids and I don’t get it.

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Goldhound807@reddit

I have a kid in high school and a kid in middle school and it blows my mind.

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Lulu_42@reddit

How long is this highly organized situation going to last, though? I know I wouldn’t sit next to the kids my mom told me to at lunch.

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Savingskitty@reddit

Teens are different these days. A friend of our’s has a group chat with her daughter, her daughter’s friends, and all of the friends’ mothers.

They are all up in eachother’s business socially, and it doesn’t bother any of them. It’s incredibly weird to me.

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AppalachianHillToad@reddit

That is creepy AF. Do the adults talk about their stuff on this chat?

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basiden@reddit

It is weird, but I know a lot of parents want to be included in those group chats so they can monitor conversations for bullying, drugs and other teen shenanigans. Most of the parents aren't interacting or even reading the chat, but it keeps their kids somewhat accountable, I guess (until they inevitably start their own parent-free chats)

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Savingskitty@reddit

Oh, no, it has nothing to do with monitoring. They all plan stuff together and gossip.

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hadmeatwoof@reddit

How stupid do they think their kids are, that they’d mention drugs in a group chat with their parents??

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madogvelkor@reddit

Well, I had a neighbor in HS that tried to buy drugs with the school cop standing next to him... so some are probably that dumb.

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HedyHarlowe@reddit

I know right? ‘Hey Zyla, be sure to pick up the bag of charlie from Tennyson’s place at six. Don’t tell Mom ok?!’

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QuesoChef@reddit

Right? That would be my decoy chat.

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FidgitForgotHisL-P@reddit

My kid had group chats with his class, various friends etc, before I even realised he had WhatsApp lol…

Kids aren’t idiots about tech, why patent that thinks surveillance is going to work are in for a bad time.

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ellecamille@reddit

I know a girl who’s parents got together for dinner with her homecoming date’ parents. Odd to me.

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sarabeara12345678910@reddit

A lot of kids are over parented so they probably have to create a social circle out of their kid's friend's parents. Not like when we were little and we played with our parents' friends' kids whether we liked it or not.

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Ok_Researcher_9796@reddit

Crazy to me to think that people from our generation would be like this.

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marbotty@reddit

Overcompensating for never seeing our parents, maybe

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firewifegirlmom0124@reddit

This isn’t the case with my preteens. They have their own friends and group chats with them. I do have a separate group chat with some of her friends moms, because we’ve been organizing carpools for years together at this point. But I don’t get involved with their friendships except to drive them around and offer my house as a place to hang out. The sort out their own plans

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geekgirlwww@reddit

My friend teaches 8th graders the other day she texted “remember when we would have to spend two hours on the phone to get 8 people to a movie”…I told her that should be a homework assignment. Organize a movie hang only using the phone.

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mommyaiai@reddit

Yeah, we have a group chat with my daughter (10), her bestie, and her bestie's parents. But that's only because they ride their bikes to each other's house or it's easier to notify everyone all at once if plans change or something.

I know they have a separate chat between the two of them. We don't monitor it unless it triggers a "content warning" in parental control.

I would never think of arranging who either of my daughters sit with in grade school let alone high school. In fact my youngest would absolutely avoid the kids I suggested just out of principle.

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nerdylegofam@reddit

This is definitely more my experience. I'll read the chat over my kid's shoulder sometimes but it's mostly me reminding her that other people's drama is not her own drama. Most of these kids play competitive sports together, too, so I know all the kids and families involved pretty well at this point.

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SBMoo24@reddit

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1981denver@reddit

Damn, you beat me to it!

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Lulu_42@reddit

That’s really weird to me, too. I’m childfree, so no experiences with this.

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Late-External3249@reddit

Same. When I was in high school, I wanted to be as far from my parents as possible.

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yourlittlebirdie@reddit

This is so weird. I have teens and none of them are like this. Here I thought I was being “too much” because I still made mine lunch to take with them up until this year.

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Primordial_Beast@reddit

Yeah none of that is normal.

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Tia_Baggs@reddit

Eww.

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buginmybeer24@reddit

That's fucking weird.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Sounds like you know one of my daughter’s friends!!!

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Ok_Researcher_9796@reddit

If mom isn't there making sure it happens it's not happening.

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ASingleThreadofGold@reddit

That's actually insane. Resist!

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morrisboris@reddit

School is toxic AF lately.

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bigmean3434@reddit

That’s just fucking weird man. I have one in college now and we definitely went more Gen x style on the parenting aside from being alot stricter with grades than I imagined I would be. They had some ups and downs in HS but ultimately are doing super well now having had to figure out good and bad friend groups on their own in HS.

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OstrichMean7004@reddit

She's "without a table" with these extremely-controlling whack-a-doos.

Your daughter isn't without a table. At all.

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Mountain_Ladder5704@reddit

I have kids in 8th and 10th grade and I know literally zero parents who are doing what you said.

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bikeonychus@reddit

Those... Other teens sound like absolute losers. Who the F lets mummy dearest decide who they sit with at lunch!? At high school of all places!

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Pristine_Effective51@reddit

Honestly, because it's easier than having to figure it out on their own and they know that parents are going to ask. There's not a lot of emotional energy to these kids

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Cheston1977@reddit

But, Brayden broke up with Kayleigh And then Madison saw Ashley talking to Brayden in the hallway so now Kayleigh doesn't want anyone to talk to Ashley even though Ashley says she doesn't even like Brayden. And Kyler is mad at Brayden because he told Brayden that he had a crush on Ashley in first period. Who gets first dibs on their lunch table now, or do they have to have an emergency meeting to decide?

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Wilson2424@reddit

Kayleigh is such a bitch. She deserves it.

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Cheston1977@reddit

I'm glad someone had the nerve to finally say it.

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QuesoChef@reddit

Anyone in pink can sit. Everyone else eats in the phone booth with DJ.

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RoundTheBend6@reddit

How did you find out?

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supergirlsudz@reddit

Wowwww. Why are our fellow xennials and millennials doing that?!

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_buffy_summers@reddit

Overcorrecting their own parents' lack of involvement.

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1block@reddit

And then complaining about how tiring parenting is.

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LtPowers@reddit

They remember how awkward we all felt as teens and do everything in their power to keep their children from feeling it.

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JudgeJuryEx78@reddit

And yet, they can't.

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CommonNative@reddit

Understandable, but baby sweetie, this is NOT the way. I let my now 24 year old kid know that kids are assholes and dickheads, to not cuss before he could creatively insult someone to the point of confusion, and for fuck's sake keep it wrapped.

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GenevieveLeah@reddit

What the hell?

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JudgeJuryEx78@reddit

This reminds me of when I transferred schools in 10th grade. The first day I walked up to 2 girls at a lunch table, introduced myself, and asked if I could sit with them. They said yes and seemed nice about it.

It wasn't till 2 years later that one of them confessed that they were utterly shocked, because they were known as the school bitches, and were actually impressed by my audacity.

I was a floater though. I did the same thing to several other lunch tables that week. Made friends, continued to rotate tables just to change it up. Teach you daughter to be unafraid of accidentally sitting with the school bitches.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

I actually told her that I knew a kid that moved table to table all the time. She knows of stories when I helped him dye his hair like a neon checkerboard in hs, so I told her I made a friend that moved about.

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Background-Turnip@reddit

This is my worst nightmare come true. And why I ate in the orchestra room during lunch in HS.

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booyakasha99@reddit

This might be specific to your area. Ive never heard of this and definitely wouldn’t support it. Kids need to learn how to make their own relationships.

I’ve read articles about how gen z ADULTS have parents attend job interviews and even meetings with their bosses. These people are screwed and I can’t imagine how the kids you mention will end up post high school.

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QuesoChef@reddit

I just commented on this above. The young people coming in to work are turning over so quickly and one day a group of us were talking and one woman said she wanted to go to her daughter’s interview, and even after eveyone was appalled a guy admitted feeling similarly. He said, “It‘a like there’s not a good age to let them go.” Honey, your son is 20. He might be OK to let go a little.

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Historical-Composer2@reddit

Let her figure it out for herself, she’s in high school now. Don’t try to fix everything for her.

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djmagicio@reddit

My kids are still in elementary school, but that level of involvement seems crazy. I would never have thought this was a thing.

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PupperoniPoodle@reddit

Mine is a senior in high school, and this is unheard of to me.

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Lost_Owl_17@reddit

That is absolutely deranged!

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Alarmed_Drop7162@reddit

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Helpful-Bad4821@reddit

Exactly. My wife’s cousin is 40 and going through a divorce. The cousin’s mother wanted to be included by telephone into the arbitration hearing. Like really? Cut the dam umbilical cord already and let your adult kid grow up. She’s been like this all her life.

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Sausage_Queen_of_Chi@reddit

These are the kids who are going to end up on TikTok right after moving into their first college dorm, crying because they’re homesick and lonely and have no idea how to make friends.

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LeftHandofNope@reddit

No that’s not normal.

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Strong-Flower-8556@reddit

A child psychologist once told me “your kids will never learn how to solve problems if you don’t let them have them to begin with” and I’ve been doing my best to live by it ever since. That behavior, weird or not, is not healthy.

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FrequencyHigher@reddit

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minicpst@reddit

Just asked the teenager sitting on my sofa if this was normal (he’ll be a sophomore this year).

He’s never heard of it and is quite confused.

I’ve got a sophomore (not the teenager I asked, he’s my teen’s friend) and one who is out of high school and this is the first I’m hearing of it.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Thanks, we told her that by the time they start on Thursday, hopefully at least 1 kid will find a different place to sit and my daughter can slide in that seat.

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Proof-Emergency-5441@reddit

Why is the school not stepping in to stop this? Is this a private school?

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minicpst@reddit

I would imagine they’ll all ignore it and tell their parents they all sat together.

Kids with parents like that generally aren’t any more obedient than their peers, but they can lie better.

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ThisWillBeOnTheExam@reddit

Strict parents make sneaky kids.

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MaddyKet@reddit

Yeah, I mean…it’s not normal. The kids have to be just saying that (because of parents reading their texts) and all plan to sit wherever when school actually starts right?

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Background-Turnip@reddit

I’m sorry your daughter has to deal with this. I feel for her.

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fatlittletoad@reddit

Also decided to ask my junior even though I already knew the answer and I've been informed this is "really fucking weird."

When we lived in a different part of the country where the adult friend groups were extremely cliquey, mostly divided down HOA lines, this would not have surprised me one bit. In our small town in the Midwest, I couldn't imagine it.

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sunsetandporches@reddit

Yeah I can imagine my sister’s suburb is exactly like this. From early on parents were trying to manage conflict resolution for their children.

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jea25@reddit

I have a teen who is now a Sophomore, another in 8th grade. I would never and I can’t imagine any other parents in her circles that would do this

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AppalachianHillToad@reddit

It’s level 11 crazy. Your kid will be fine. The peers, not so much. Mine also just started high school. She sees any interference in her life by adults as a punishment. We may or may not have encouraged this. People in your area are whack and you’re the normal ones.

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Ill-Capital9785@reddit

What?! That’s insane. Picking lunch tables?

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Parking-Till1121@reddit

The parents organize lunch tables for highschool?! Wow, times have REALLY changed. I’m 42 but feel like I’m 85 after hearing that lol

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ihavenoidea81@reddit

I know we all had kids at different times but my kid starts high school day after Labor Day and it’s hard to fathom I have a high schooler now.

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sunsetandporches@reddit

I had a miscarriage at 19 and would have had a 26 yo this year. I waited so long that now I have a 7 yo.

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ihavenoidea81@reddit

That’s rough. I’m sorry you had to go through that. My closest neighbor growing up had one at that destroyed her for a long time

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HopelessMagic@reddit

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AdelleDeWitt@reddit

Jesus. I can't imagine being in high school and having my mom dictate who I was sitting with or just even having an opinion about any of that.

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elektrik_noise@reddit

Same. My parents disliked my friends. I preferred it that way tbh. They weren't interested in engaging with any of us and for the most part kinda made it so they stayed out of our business. I got good grades and never got caught with anything bad I was doing so it worked out fine.

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Spiritual_Sorbet_870@reddit

I don’t have kids, but unless she’s truly distressed (ie, more than just bummed) about it for more than a couple days or actively being excluded, I’d let her figure it out. The furthest I’d go is asking how it’s going and offer to brainstorm ways to approach asking to join a table or forming her own. It’s a great opportunity to learn to navigate a social challenge when she knows she’s got people at home who care about her. Those other kids are losing out on important social skills development.

If it starts to cause actual harm (anxiety, depression, looks more like bullying) then I think you’d be right to consider stepping in.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Thank you, pretty much read my mind as we will keep an eye on it, but from a distance.

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sunsetandporches@reddit

See you are doing great. Sounds like your daughter is doing better than her peers too. I bet she is able to navigate the after high school a lot better than any of the others.

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Intelligent_Flow2572@reddit

Our kid has an established friend group. This year is his freshman year. He’s sitting with the same kids as last year.

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sweetassassin@reddit

And that folks is helicopter parenting

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littlemama9242@reddit

That's fucking weird lol. Those kids are doomed when they enter the real world

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DaughterisaDancer@reddit

Our daughter is a Senior this year, and she always figured out who to sit with at lunch. I think it also helps that she has been on the Drill Team for the past couple of years. The girls on the team usually try to sit together.

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SnoozuRN@reddit

I am a mom of a 12 and 7 year old and I think this is so invasive and odd. How will these kids ever learn independence? They probably also have phones and call their parents about every single little dilemma. My kids have friends at school that I don't even know of. This is why anxiety is at an all time high in young people.

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StandardAd239@reddit

Is she by chance going to a private school? I can, unfortunately, see stuff like that happening there.

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Character_Bend_5824@reddit

That's a new level of social which never occurred to me. How are these parents so involved and how do they know each other? Tight knit neighborhood? Church?

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CuriousRiver2558@reddit

Good luck helping with math homework now 😭🪦

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unicorntearsffff@reddit

Did they not cut the umbilical cord at the hospital 🤔

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OstrichMean7004@reddit

Holy shit. I may be the closest thing to an expert here.

I have 2 girls -- 22 and 19. I'm not THAT far removed from them being in high school.

You're going to need to be SUPER flexible the next few years, because your kids' friendships will change pretty much every week.

You need to be there for your kids. Because the only people more vicious than high school girls are middle school girls, by my experience.

Just let your kids know that you're there for them, and will listen and give guidance no matter what.

As for the current situation -- the parents who think they can control what lunch table their kids sit at are in for an incredible surprise.

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OstrichMean7004@reddit

My kids are in college (or just out of college).

During high school, I couldn't IMAGINE telling my kids who to sit with, or who not to sit with.

That's insane, and will end up with your kid doing the exact opposite of what you want them to do.

FFS -- let kids make their own decisions. Keep them away from the insanely dangerous ones, and let them know you're there for them with the less dangerous ones.

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albdubuc@reddit

I work at a university and I have a sophomore there. I have parents essentially setting up playdates for their newly-adult children. Its outta hand.

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Purple-flying-dog@reddit

I don’t know who my junior sits with at lunch and I teach at her school. Being involved is one thing but by that age they need to be doing a lot of things themselves like figuring out who to sit with at lunch.

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IntelligentStreet638@reddit

How about you organize a nice desk, office chair and a quiet corner in the house for your kid to do homework in after they come home from school.

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Porcupine__Racetrack@reddit

This is insane. I have 2 boys- 9th and 11th grades. I’m here for rides to places and that’s about it.

We don’t even really organize the kids getting together anymore or anything unless it’s to check on a sleepover or if a kid can tag along somewhere like an amusement park or something like that.

This is crazy behavior!

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BrokeAssZillionaire@reddit

As a parent - Do you not ask boys/girls out on behalf of your kids and also ring their parents to organise a breakup? /s

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TheRealExactO@reddit

My wife and I started early.. Ours is 25 and living 4 hours away with a solid career.

You are doing fine. Free-range parenting is the key to self-sufficient kids. We only guided and intervened when necessary.

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BrokeAssZillionaire@reddit

I thought my child independence and they are somehow paying the price of being an outsider as a result of it, it’s weird to other kids that they can make their own decisions or are independent.

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icanmakepopcorn@reddit

My kids rebelled any influence from me about their friend choice starting at 8 years old.

They are much older now. I still disapprove of their choices but hide it and just support them because the kids aren't that bad.

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Colodagh@reddit

I am baby Gen X and I have no idea if any of this is going on. Both of my kids seem to have had no issues finding a table for lunch. I had no problems letting go while they are in HS though now my oldest is a Freshman living 2 hours away, suddenly I am holding on tight. He calls me daily, homesick, and my heart is breaking. I am so proud of him though. This is for the best.

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Throw-away17465@reddit

Ah so different titles for the same things went through

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Santos_L_Halper_II@reddit

In my day we would’ve called those kids wieners.

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stitchbitchstitch@reddit

My college student child, now a senior, says her roommates parents still track their children's cell phone. These are 21 year old adults. This feels similar. They can't become independent adults without some freedom, and that starts small and builds upon trust.

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Redcatche@reddit

Do you live in a high achieving area?

I do, and this is pretty normal. There’s currently a spat underway between two of the girls, and the girls’ Moms are coordinating to shut the other family out of the broader friend group.

If you want to be really terrified, almost all of these kids will have legacy status at elite universities.

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tinyacorndreams@reddit

Wow, these people need to find a hobby…

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Redcatche@reddit

I say this with no disrespect at all. But some women do much better with jobs.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Not necessarily high achieving, but a small town, and we see the same thing.

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xennial_1978@reddit

Nope I have a junior he figured it out himself.

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hairballcouture@reddit

Helicopter parenting is getting way out of hand.

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blessitspointedlil@reddit

Who to sit with at lunch?!?!

Parents are telling their kids, no their teens, who to SIT with at lunch?!!!? WTF?

I cannot eve imagine how pizzed tf off and bummed tf out I’d ‘ve been if my folks were bossing me around to that level!!! I mean, they were controlling and overprotective, but they never told me who to associate with, be friends with, sit with, holy phuck!

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frooootloops@reddit

Ok so granted I do homeschool but damn this is weird. I don’t interfere wit shit unless it needs parental coordination- trip dates, rides, etc.

I guess I treat my kids like young adults, but how the hell are they going to figure this out if I’m baby stepping them the whole way?

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tinacat933@reddit

Why are parents doing this?

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jasonrubik@reddit

My daughter started first grade. Her cousins are all in high school or graduated. When I was a freshman in '93 my brother was a senior and got a locker next to him and his friends. In retrospect , it was a good way to get me situated

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Nephite11@reddit

I read a news article maybe six months ago about a company interviewing recent college grads for an entry level position and somewhere around 30% of them brought their parents with them. I fear for this generation…

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EmmyNoetherRing@reddit

Driving them to the interview I could imagine.

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shmelse@reddit

I work in the court system and watched a mom stand at the bench in front of a judge and name drop a bunch of people she knew and claim she wasn't a lawyer but had read blacks law dictionary to try and help with her son‘s 3rd DWI arrest. I think we can see where he gets the idea that he can get away with anything…

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Lost_Advertising_219@reddit

You can't be serious...!!!

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Nephite11@reddit

Totally serious. Here’s a recent article that’s quoting even higher percentages: https://www.vice.com/en/article/gen-z-are-bringing-their-parents-to-job-interviews-and-letting-them-talk/

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Lanky_Rhubarb1900@reddit

Ooooof, no thank you. I, for one, would have been MORTIFIED if my parents had tried to involve themselves in my social life when I was a teen. Now, granted, I’m not a narcissist alcoholic, but I think even if they had been good parents I’d still have died of embarrassment.

My teen had to endure the weird social isolation years in the immediate aftermath of the Covid pandemic during the majority of her time in middle school, so we did try to facilitate social time with a few families in our “pod” so the kids could hang out. But when she entered high school and we were returning back to normal, she was in charge of her interactions. I guess I kind of get that if families are close and spend a lot of time together outside of school, they’d naturally encourage their kids to seek each other out at school. But friendships change and evolve and should not be tethered to the grownups’ relationships. I’m still good friends with a few parents despite our kids drifting apart. Because we’re all individuals here.

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rels83@reddit

The loss of the house phone really fucked our kids. My oldest is entering middle school and this age before they have phones makes it nearly impossible for them to make social plans on their own. Mine can call his friends on his iPad, but only if they have iPad (TM) and only if their parents are loosely goosey with the screen time.

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CheesyRomantic@reddit

So… I’m just starting to realize this has been happening with my 2 kids. One is starting her 1st year of high school the other is still in elementary.

It’s incredibly hurtful and so dumb and it makes my stomach ache.

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Standard_Elephant415@reddit

I don’t even do that for my Kinder!

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Ok_Percentage5157@reddit

Our kids are now all legal drinking age and above (4 kids), and... We never did anything like this. Is this a private school of some kind?

All of our kids went to public school, and we were fortunate that they all wanted to do different extracurriculars during school and summer months, so they got to know a lot of different kids.

Middle school sucks for everyone, then the transition to high school helps with shedding some of those craptastic years, but these are things that kids need to learn how to navigate themselves as they grow up. Don't try and plan their lives for them, just be the best parent you can when they show they need guidance.

And make sure they eat breakfast before school. I know, sounds like a cereal ad, but I promise it helps.

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staring_at_keyboard@reddit

My son (sophomore) would probably disown me if I did something as weird as coordinate his lunch table attendance. Those people are probably projecting their own insecurities onto their kids.

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Revolutionary-Yak-47@reddit

Breathe. I had no one to sit with the first week of high school either. I hid in the library at least once. And then I happened to find a table of misfits who I am still friends with 25 years later week 2. Let her try and sort this. The kids who's parents are managing their kids lunch tables at this age aren't doing them any favors.

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Fahlulah@reddit

I noticed that too... I let my kids handle it themselves but it seems parents are pretty much creating clicks.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Definitely something we are seeing.

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BattlebitsTooHard@reddit

Do you remember those insufferable mean girls from high school? They're still insufferable...

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Disastrous-Panda5530@reddit

I’ve never heard of this. My daughter is 15. I dropped her off on her first day of high school and that’s about the only involvement I’ve had regarding her time in high school. It seems crazy to organize things regarding her social life

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Entire-Order3464@reddit

It's normal I guess now. But it's insane. You're doing the right thing by not micromanaging her life.

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kingskrossing@reddit

Wait did you guys grow up with lunch tables in high school? We had cement benches and some picnic tables outside around campus.

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sjd208@reddit

That’s bonkers. Are there not lots of kids coming from different schools? Around here there’s at least 2 middle schools that feed into a high school, plus of course the kids that move to the district.

My high school boys will barely give me the names of their friends. My middle school girl on the other hand tells me all the drama whether I asked or not….

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isthisreallife___@reddit

I have one who just started grad school last week and I have never done this for her. 😅

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desertdweller2011@reddit

i think there’s something in between. hell no to micromanaging but some kids do need some help facilitating or maintaining friendships. helping her plan something and coordinating with parents to make it happen is reasonable (i wish i’d had it!) but the lunch table thing is weird and does sound like parents are making it worse.

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retrozebra@reddit

Genuine question, at what age do you think parents should stop being the facilitator of social relationships or is there not a particular set age you feel it should stop?

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desertdweller2011@reddit

idk i think it depends on the kid! personally, i feel like if my parents had helped me when i was younger i wouldn’t have needed it when i was older. i’m not a parent and don’t want to be a parent, but i am very involved in my nephews lives. i can see ways that it could be age appropriate in HS - like suggesting they invite x y and z over to watch this new movie and offering to pick them up and shoot the shit w their parents for 5 minutes when you go get them. or helping them figure out what text to send about finding a group to go to a dance with if they don’t have anyone to go with…or making an effort to befriend parents of their peers at a community picnic… etc. it doesn’t have to be like, arranging playdates lol

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ok-buddy-79@reddit

Once the child can communicate directly with other kids their age so it depends on their technology access. I have an 11 year old who is friends with others without a phone so I facilitate meet ups with that parent. But I dont suggest anything or push, she will just come up and say can so and so come over for a sleepover. I will tell her to coordinate the date and time they all want and then send a text to the parent saying hey kiddos want to hang out, what do you guys have going on?

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retrozebra@reddit

I think that is really reasonable! I think high school students is entering into enabling category but… maybe that’s just me.

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ok-buddy-79@reddit

Yes, I agree. I have another daughter who is 14 and started high school 4 weeks ago. She has had a phone for ~18 months. She didn't know really any kids to start as she is going to another district school. She figured it out and made friends and has found her way. No way I would have tried to intervene or coordinate. Thats what growing up is, being uncomfortable, finding your way, meeting others, making a fool of yourself.. all of that.

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adamcmorrison@reddit

Sheesh my only kid is learning to walk. Late start.

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eeeeeeeee123456@reddit

👀

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VesDoppelganger@reddit

Donny: Are these the sane parents Walt?

Walter: No, no, these parents are cowards.

Seriously, your kid will figure this out on their own. High school is the ultimate grow-up test. Be there for them when you can, but you gotta let them work out the good from the bad in these social situations.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Ha! This isn’t Nam! There are rules!….We just don’t know what they are with these kids!!

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Nwcray@reddit

It is normal. That doesn’t make it right.

Let your kid grow up, let them handle this stuff on their own.

You’ll really see the difference when they leave for college. Mine is a sophomore at a state university and absolutely crushing it. She’ll be ready for adult life. Seeing the babies kids - they’re still babied, with helicopter parents - those kids will NOT be ready for adult life.

There are a lot of helicopter parents, it seems to be normal now. But that doesn’t make it right. Let your kid grow up.

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sanityjanity@reddit

Congratulations!

I'm 100% sure your kid does not want you organizing things for her. She's old enough to make her own friends.

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XennialQueen@reddit

That’s really weird

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NelsonMuntz3@reddit

The same parents that do their kids' projects and write their essays and do their homework for them. Definitely see parents like this at my son's school.

Gotta let them figure things out.

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PuppyJakeKhakiCollar@reddit

That doesn't sound normal at all. Talk about helicopter parenting! Even for younger kids it would be weird, but for teenagers that is ridiculous. Kids that age should have the freedom to manage their own friendships and social lives. And what if the kid your parents want you to sit with doesn't want to sit with you?

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tgbarbie@reddit

Mine is starting this week. I stay out of it unless they need rides.

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wrldruler21@reddit

Mine starts high school tommorow. Thoughts and prayers, she's on her own as soon as she steps out of the car.

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Atillion@reddit

Same 🙌🏻 we got this. I'll be there for him any time he needs me, but I'm going to let him find his way so he will be confident and comfortable doing it forever.

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ariaxwest@reddit

lol, mine took the bus until she could afford to buy a car.

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eat_like_snake@reddit

I neither have nor want kids, but the idea of micromanaging who your child sits with above the age of like 6 is psychotic to me.
Boundaries exist and should be respected. Their social life (barring harmful things like predators and gangs and stuff like that) is one of those boundaries.

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Tiny-Reading5982@reddit

Besides me telling my daughter not to be mean to kids and try to include others, pretty much this. They must be the only child for them to have that much time on thei4 hands

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OnceARunner1@reddit

I have a kindergartener…it’s even crazy at that age. Kids can figure it out if we let them.

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Stevie-Rae-5@reddit

Yeah, came here to say that my kid has gone through about ten first days of school at this point and never once has it ever occurred to me to even attempt to try to social engineer his lunchroom, including the year he was in kindergarten. This is bizarre to say the least.

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Visual-Fig-4763@reddit

Let her figure it out and be there for her after any fallouts. 2 of my kids are now adults and 1 is in college now. There were definitely times I desperately wanted to intervene and do something but they really needed to just figure it out for themselves. I did encourage hangouts at our house and made sure to help organize activities and rides

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hacksawomission@reddit

gif

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Sanchastayswoke@reddit

Helicopter parenting at its finest

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rememblem@reddit

The younger parents are somewhat cliquish and use social media and chat groups like the soccer moms used newsletters and pta in the 90s. The younger Boomers were called the 'Jones' (micro-generation) for a reason. In the end, you may be missing out of a lot of unneeded drama too - if not - you'll probably be invited to whatever if you and your daughter show interest around someone who runs whatever group or list.

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Drslappybags@reddit

I got dropped off and told to find a ride home. That was it.

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EntertainmentTop2019@reddit

My daughter is starting college in September and we are seeing similar things from other parents of other freshmen. Trying to insert themselves into things that these now young adults need to learn how to do for themselves. It’s helicopter parents who still can’t stop hovering.

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Mind-of-Jaxon@reddit

Those parents are the worse helicopter parents ever. Curating and micromanaging every little thing. Their children will never have a childhood and always be conditioned to please their parents and do what they are told to.

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AdDense7020@reddit

Ummm no, that’s weird. I have a junior in HS and would never dream of trying to micromanage his social life.

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MundaneHuckleberry58@reddit

My kid is like your kid OP but she’s been in school a quarter already. She had no trouble finding lunch people & making new friends.

Let’s normalize not being anxiety-driven & trust the kids to figure themselves out. What are these parents doing in college? Pre-arranging play dates?!?

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digitaljestin@reddit

That sounds exhausting and invasive.

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brzantium@reddit

Reminds me of a news story I saw yesterday: parents paying for dorm room interior decorating.

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Euphoric_Egg_4198@reddit

How big is this school? This sounds like some tiny town culty stuff, sorry OP. The last time my kids were assigned lunch tables was elementary school when they sat with their class.

My HS kid’s cafeteria is not even big enough to fit all the kids since they only have one lunch time for the whole school. Half the kids just walk around or sit outside on the floor and benches.

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staticfingertips@reddit

No, that’s really controlling. As a high school teacher, thanks for not doing that.

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soneg@reddit

That's crazy. In the meantime my kid is starting his sr yr this week and I barely know this friends names much less could pick them out of a lineup. He's proven over the yrs to be trustworthy and makes good decisions. My job is to teach him to skills. Baby bird had to learn to fly and leave the nest.

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Important_Chef_4717@reddit

I asked my kids (Sr, Sophx2, fresh)…… oldest 3 are boys and they were a mixture of disbelief/laughing. My daughter said oh yeah……it’s a really big thing with the “sad, beige populars”…….. and my sons asked if that was a specific group at school or what……

Honestly? My sons are teen guys so I doubt they’d notice pre-planned lunch tables even if they were included 😭 I tend to believe my daughter…… but only because I did see a huge spike in girls adopting the very bland, beige saddie look. It’s like they’re trying really hard to conform. It’s different from the boys because they’re all taking glittery cartoon backpacks and wearing the shortest, brightest Nike shorts on the planet.

I’ve encountered several beige moms (a couple are in cheer) and they’re vv involved in their children’s lives. We’re a low maintenance family and they’re usually deterred by my refusal to participate in multiple group chats. It tracks that they’d try to stack the odds (to the detriment of their kids).

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Ok_Researcher_9796@reddit

Yeah, parents like this are the reason the younger generations are so screwed up. Let your kids make some choices for themselves and stop being a micromanager.

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schmampbee@reddit

Have a kid well into highschool and this is unheard of where we are. I'm sorry this is the local experience.

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Wonderful-Emu-8716@reddit

Don't try to fix it, but do have a real conversation with your daughter that will help her build the skills to handle it herself. She is dealing with a common high school situation--unless you are in a defined clique/friend group, you are left out of things entirely, even if you are friendly with everyone. Some helicopter parents are taking that knowledge and doing the worst thing possible for socio-emotional development. Talking through the pros and cons of that situation (not being stuck in a shitty clique vs being left out of things), but letting her come to her own conclusions is reasonable parenting. Knowing that she has parents that directly express that they love her and trust her to make her own decisions will lead to her being much better off--even if it's painful right now.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

Thank you for your kind words. It’s hard to go through like you said, but we keep reassuring her she will come out better and stronger.

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roonilwonwonweasly@reddit

Where the fuck do you live that this happens?! Is this a large or small school?

Mine went to a very small district where the kids started kindergarten and graduated together. Not once had this happened for 13 years of education. Holy hell, what are we doing to our kids?!

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RedSolez@reddit

That's fucking weird. My oldest is starting 7th grade this week. Once she got a cell phone last year, I ceased to be involved in making any of her social plans other than coordinating carpools and saying yes her friends can come over.

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jessie_boomboom@reddit

I live in a working class town. We all got jobs and more important shit to worry about than where our kids are sitting at lunch.

These are the kids that have daddy call into work for.them and mommy sleep over at their dorm every weekend (true stories my older kids have shared with me).

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ColdFIREBaker@reddit

No, this is not normal. I have a son who just started High School last week and a daughter in her final year of High School. That doesn't sound healthy. That happened at Elementary School age (the invites, not the seating) but by Jr. High parents let kids figure it out in my experience.

If your daughter is getting left out of stuff, maybe you could offer for her to host something at your place? If not at your place, maybe you could get her a gift card for somewhere she and her friends would like to go, and encourage her to invite her friends with the excuse that she has a gift card to use there?

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Finnegan7921@reddit

That ain't helicopter parenting, that's boots on the ground parenting. It has gotten crazy. Those are the parents who are all into their daughters rushing a sorority the minute they hit a college campus. I was in a fraternity so I'm not shitting on the Greek system, but these moms today are fucking nuts about it.

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throwawayfromPA1701@reddit

That's....gross. I'm sorry. Maybe I don't get it because I'm not a parent, but that just feels gross that other parents are organizing who sits where for high schoolers.

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cmgww@reddit

First of all, congrats to you for having a school that actually starts after Labor Day Day and not ridiculously early like August 6…. Secondly those parents sound absolutely fucking nuts. I mean my kids are boys, the oldest being 11 and now in what they are calling “intermediate school” which is similar to high school with different periods and all that…. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to try to coordinate with other parents on who he sits with! Let that shit happen naturally.

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VixxenFoxx@reddit

My kids are 14-21. They leave the house happy and healthy, they come home happy and healthy....

That's the extent of my involvement in their high school community affairs.

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BIGepidural@reddit

Its not normal but its becoming more prevalent.

And then people wonder why kids have no life skills 🙄

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SaveusJebus@reddit

I've never heard of something like that. Are you in a more affluent area?

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blood_bones_hearts@reddit

My kid is in post secondary now but it would seriously never have occurred to me to try and manufacture friendships for her beyond the age of playdates when she was a toddler.

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Crans10@reddit

You raise your kid to make their own decisions.

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LBC11-11J@reddit

I think you are doing the right thing by your daughter. However, as she is a young lady growing up in this world, I would have your wife sign her and your daughter up for a RAD class or some similar protection program for women.

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Bloomer328@reddit

I have a freshman in college, high school junior, 8th grader and 4th grader. I have never, ever organized who my kids are going to sit with at lunch or micromanaged any of their socialization. That feels unhealthy to me. I don't even contact their teachers about problems unless it's absolutely necessary. I strongly believe that my kids can come to me for advice and troubleshooting but they need to learn how to advocate for themselves and try to solve any issues themselves before having me step in.

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kg51113@reddit

My kid has graduated but we didn't typically know lunch assignments until the first day of school. Every teacher gets assigned a certain lunch period. You look at the list and find the teacher that you have during a specific class period to find out when you have lunch.

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YarnBunny@reddit

So scary. My kids 8, did his besties mom's and I reach out to each other to figure out who is in his class but not who will be at the lunch table

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hulsey76@reddit

Yeah, she is the victim of moms whose best years were spent in high school, and they can't let it go so they live vicariously through their kids.

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dcgrey@reddit

That sounds like a good way for those kids to bond around how insane their parents are. They can go through the playlists their parents have curated and eventually workshop each other’s parents’ college essays.

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faedrake@reddit

Our daughter is a Junior this year. She's never had a huge group of friends, but she did always make a good friend or two after a few weeks. She's been in a few different schools, which didn't make it easy but she always managed.

We never intervened, that would be so weird. Give it time. She did at one point decide the group she had lunch with sucked and found a couple of other people to associate with.

We do encourage her to make plans with her friends and make sure we're available for rides and such. She's a bit of a gamer, and can spend too much time on a mostly wholesome discord sharing cute fan art.

But, we were introverted as teens also. We'd find a small group of friends and stick with them. Discord is more social than the countless hours I spent with the words of Stephen King.

I couldn't imagine being more directly involved in her social life.

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SlapHappyDude@reddit

My oldest is in 8th grade and despite having his own phone and his friends' phone numbers, they do sometimes need help coordinating hang outs. They are stunningly bad at asking or just texting "hey am I busy today or can I go to his house?" I can't imagine coordinating anything between school drop off and pick up that isn't academic.

It's definitely easier for kids to be friends when the parents know each other and communicate. This generation also sometimes needs a nudge to actually leave the house instead of staying glued to their screens in bed.

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aurelianwasrobbed@reddit

This all day!

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linarex@reddit

This is crazy. I have a senior and they said this is crazy. Is your HS really small of something? I don't even really know my HS kid's friends parents. My kid has a ton of friends.

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aurelianwasrobbed@reddit

Only if there’s a new kid. Then I suggest to my kid maybe she should invite her to sit with their group at lunch. But she is only in middle school. I don’t think I’ll be telling her that kind of thing in ninth grade?!

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Raff102@reddit

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fondofbooks@reddit

This is bizarre and honestly so damaging. How are kids supposed to navigate the world when they are being so hobbled that even social interactions are being controlled for them?

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Dangerous-Target-323@reddit

what?! Helicopter parents! when did we become pussies? Let your kid decide but this makes me think there will already be cliques

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Lawwife78@reddit

My son’s school has block scheduling and doesn’t reveal beforehand just when during the third block their lunchtime will be, mostly to keep kids from planning like this. My kid is happy enough to make new friends whenever. (He started last year as a junior after homeschooling up to that point, so it was kind of like a freshman with more life experience.)

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Mattimvs@reddit

My daughter starts grade one on tues. All I told her is she has to go out there and find the tougest looking kid and beat the shit out of them otherwise someone else is going to eat her lunch for the next 6 years.

I know I heard that someplace but it seems right...

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singleguy79@reddit

What in the parenting nonsense is this?

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prettybutdumb@reddit

Not normal, no.

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SWOsome@reddit

My daughter is a sophomore. None of that sounds normal.

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NotRustyShackleford_@reddit

Nah, time to fly baby bird! And then Sparta kick them out of the nest. My kids know what kind of people to hang with and who not to. Time to put it into practice.

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Leather-Sky8583@reddit

Wow, my youngest graduated last year but she never saw anything like that. Micromanaging kids is a great way to push them away and mess them up later in life

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PlatypusFreckles@reddit

There will be other kids who aren’t a part of the organizing, tell her to look for those. Is this a situation where none of her previous classmates attend the high school? Are there not enough tables for everyone to sit at?

I think I’m a fairly involved mom and that sounds ridiculous.

Just checked in with my incoming senior and she’s laughing at the absurdity of it. “I’d be so pissed if you told me who to sit with, wtf?” She went into her high school knowing no one freshman year.

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goosedog79@reddit (OP)

This was our thought, some of the kids put at this table are an older sisters friends, and we figured at least one of those kids are going to find somewhere else that doesn’t involve freshman to sit.

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PopsiclesForChickens@reddit

Having two in high school and one in jr. high this isn't normal. My high schoolers arrange their own social lives. My jr. Higher needs a little help (but for example, she is spending the night at a friend's house and I told her I needed a text from the friend's mom inviting her before I would drive her over).

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anitabelle@reddit

Mine is a senior in college. I have never done shit like this. Let her live her life and gain some independence. She needs to be her own person. She will resent you otherwise. I let my daughter do her own thing (with boundaries) and trusted her enough to be a decent human being. She’s thriving and we are incredibly close.

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S7482@reddit

Childfree so I didn't know about this...but this is why I figure we're getting students, in college, who don't know how to deal with basic social interactions.

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ShartFlex@reddit

My daughter started HS this week. Our job as parents (especially by teenage years) is to prepare them for life and adulthood. If we insist on being a crutch and handholding at this point in their lives, we are doing them a disservice. Guide them, share your wisdom, but let them be a person.

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imnottheoneipromise@reddit

My son started 9th grade this year. This behavior from parents is weird. How will those kids learn how to navigate social interactions if their parents are always managing them for them?

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Ok-Air-5056@reddit

the older my kid became the more i stepped back... i walked her to school and picked her up every day of elementary school.. middle school we started walking them and i picked up for the first couple of weeks then let them walk to and from on their own (unless the weather was really bad we drove them)

now in high school, i've actually never met any of the teachers, i've occasionally sent an email of there was an issue but in general left it in their hands as they are on their way to be adults.. they should be able to handle things.. i give reminders and sign paperwork but that's more or less about it... they are going into gr 12 this year (and boy to i feel old!)

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Smurfblossom@reddit

The parents doing that might have kids with social skills issues or some other challenge that makes friending hard so they're intervening to prevent them from just being isolated. There were mild forms of this when we were younger. Usually it was just one or two kids who's parents were still setting up social interactions for them in high school.

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eat_like_snake@reddit

This is all fine and good in theory, but if you force teenagers around each other that don't want to be around each other, the only thing you're going to do is breed animosity and cause cruelty when adults aren't watching.

It sucks to be the outcast. It sucks more for other kids to treat you like shit because you're forced to be around them more than necessary.

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Smurfblossom@reddit

Oh I'm not saying its a great solution nor that it always works out for the best. But if I'm right about the reason for the parents doing this then their position isn't great either. I suppose in their shoes I too would opt for doing something over nothing and just hope for the best.

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TwoBirdsEnter@reddit

Yeah this is the only good reason for it. Otherwise it’s Excuse Me What territory

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NoneOfThisMatters_XO@reddit

What?! This is the definition of a helicopter parent. Can’t she just sit with friends?

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Traditional_Entry183@reddit

My daughter started 9th grade this month too. I have absolutely zero idea what those other parents are doing or talking about. We just give ours love and support and keep an eye on her grades.

She only has one close friend and she doesn't see her outside of school often because she has a difficult family situation. But they're good.

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LeakyBumbershoot@reddit

We let our kids do their own thing. If they needed advice or suggestions (or a ride lol) we would happily give it. But we wanted them to learn to navigate the world on their own.

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PresentationLost1006@reddit

I have not heard about that with my high schoolers, but I am not surprised that it happens. Probably depends on the culture or the town/school (more common among high achieving/high SES enclaves, I would guess).

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belunos@reddit

I had a friend in middle school that told me when we hit high school, we wouldn't hang out anymore. He had a sister in high school that scarred that poor kid. He ended up a nerd in HS, and I was known as The Hippie cause I had long hair. I had many times the friends he had in high school

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