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No-Reward8036@reddit

Science supports this by the way. Kids want their parents together.

I've been reading your posts and what you've said makes a lot of sense about marriage and divorce. Perhaps you outta write a book about that too? 😂. Anyways, appreciate your candidness and thanks for sharing.

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smallerthantears@reddit

Ha! I am!!

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auscadtravel@reddit

You make very valid points. And you are right a small post doesn't explain 10 or 15 years of marriage, each day, each moment. I agree with your lines in the sand, abuse of all kinds, physical, financial, mental, substance, all are too much. Cheating could be another. I myself have been married for 15 years, but no kids. So i speak as a kid of divorce. It was the best thing to happen, but my brother has a very different thought and experience about it. I do think its sad when people stay and continue to be unhappy. I've seen a few who didn't want to lose money through divorce but if they had left when they knew it was over they would have had so many years of happiness and the ability to grow their finances again. The fact you still think about it is interesting. I hope its random, and not monthly. I hope you are happy. I appreciate your perspective.

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smallerthantears@reddit

Thanks so much. I'm married 25 years and as I've said elsewhere it's like I've been in 7 different marriages. I am fortunate my husband still wants to grow and learn....we don't have a tremendous amount in common. My career path introduced me to people I feel more aligned with and I often wonder....what if?

My daughter is a senior this year. I'm really not sure what will happen when she leaves. We've always said we kind of have a contract. He might leave me!

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QuietBirdsong@reddit

THANK YOU for saying this.

All we see and hear now is leave when things get hard or boring. Leave so you can find your true purpose or happiness. You know what? Life is hard and boring. And having someone there who has been with you since you were in your twenties, and who you've raised children together with, when you are getting older is something you can't replace.

You need to be REALLY sure before you trash a lifetime of love and care and boring acceptance.

Also, I see someone has mentioned menopause. Perimenopause goes on for YEARS. I'm currently in the midst of it. As a woman, it changes you. All those things your wife did for you because she cared? Yeah, she might not care as much now because she generally cares less about a lot of things so only puts her energy into things for the kids. She might be feeling shitty and like an alien in her own skin.

I hate that women toil for years to give our husbands children and a home and then in their 50s, they forget how we ruined our bodies to give them children and they start thinking that there is more to life than 'this'.

Honestly, your OP gives me the rage.

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justbecoolguys@reddit

I lol’d at “life is hard and boring.” It’s true! As a fellow member of the Peri We Do Not Care club, I felt this comment.

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QuietBirdsong@reddit

I may have overreacted to the original post because, you guessed it, I'm peri and frustrated.

I'm of that age where I'm so fecking tired of men giving up on their marital vows in middle age because things are a little bit 'hard' or 'boring'. Yeah? Well, that's just life.

I'm sorry, did you ruin your body pushing your ungrateful spawn out of it? No? Well, we did.

Or give up on your career dreams because you had to give birth and look after your helpless infant for years? No? Well, we did.

Why, then, do they get to turn around, once things are relatively stable and go...'you know, I'm just not feeling it now'?

Bonus points if they've already lined up another, younger sacrificial victim.

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smallerthantears@reddit

Also, OP: Is your spouse going through menopause? Hormones make a MASSIVE difference.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Yeah, she is tbf, but things have been bad since before that. Now they are that much worse :/

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smallerthantears@reddit

I'm so sorry. I have a friend in a bad marriage and the things she says to him sound borderline abusive to me. And like, she feels so free because all men are assholes or whatever. My husband and I have had a million problems but he's never been mean to me and once I got enough therapy/hormones, etc, I'm nice to him too.

flonky_guy@reddit

You're describing how the media spins the science on these things into major fads that opportunistic entrepreneurs take advantage of.

In each of these cases the science on these subjects is either a single paper that only moves the needle slightly (eggs) but is blown out of proportion or simply falls apart under peer review (alcohol is good).

Regardless, nutrition studies and human sociology are radically different fields, the latter being a lot less black and white. Plenty of research shows that parents breaking up just because they're not content is bad for kids, but there's plenty of research that shows miserable parents are just as bad so it's always about examining the particular case. That doesn't begin to examine abuse in relationships, where divorce is always better.

TL:dr: you are right but your examples are wrong.

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smallerthantears@reddit

Sure dude

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No_Fisherman_7848@reddit

No, not all children went their parents together, especially if those children have reached adulthood and witnessed dysfunction and unhappiness for years.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

None of this says bad marriage though. That’s a huge difference. These are all life events.

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MrsCrowley79@reddit

All OP says is "bad for a while" I'm putting it out there that sometimes Life makes it "bad for a while"

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paperbasket18@reddit

This. My parents are still married, but their marriage is objectively not good and never has been. I don’t remember them ever being happy. My childhood was marked by them yelling at each other and bickering constantly. Pretty sure they only got married because they dated each other in college.

Anyway, I was in a long relationship through my 20s (we never married, thank goodness) that looking back mirrored my parents’ relationship. At the time, I completely believed it was normal to have your partner piss you off all the time.

Shes either to the point of realizing Im not going to change, or that she actually was wrong.

No idea, but the good times out lived the bad. We have a great life, enjoy time together, and time apart.

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DifferentTie8715@reddit

I'm a little younger and female, but I divorced in my early forties and here are my thoughts:

I still don't ever wish I was back with my ex. He's not a bad person, but we were not a good match. I see him pretty regularly; there is 0 romantic longing. He feels like an eccentric uncle, more than anything.

Part of me held on for a long time bc I hoped (and feared!) that he'd have some kind of massive post-divorce glowup and then I'd regret letting him go, but we are several years out and that uhhh never happened lol

I do deeply regret missing out on so much of my kids' teen years: it's the one thing that sometimes keeps me up at night. At the time I thought "well, I spent SO MUCH time with them when they were little that I could really use the damn break."

and honestly, that wasn't totally nuts either. Splitting parenting time DID give me some time and energy back to myself, and imo it put some responsibility back onto my ex.

But I have had to learn to actually keep that energy for myself instead of giving it away to idiots out of habit. If it wasn't some dipshit-ass dude I was seeing, it was an ne-er-do-well friend, or a stray kid with a sociopathic streak, or a messy relative.

Turns out I have an enabling streak a mile wide that was easy to blame on my husband while I was married... but when it kept fucking happening post-divorce, I eventually had to be like "well shit."

So yeah, I guess I wish I'd learned more about boundaries earlier in life. I'm not sure how I'd have done it while still married, but if I had a magic wand and a time machine, that's what I'd like to do-- impart today's battle-won wisdom to my younger, more sheltered self, ha

On the up side, I have solid relationships with all the kids-- a lot better than I had with either of my married parents at their ages.

Financially... it's hard to peer down "the road not taken" but my ex scared the shit out of me talking about retiring in his fifties and withdrawing everything from his accounts to buy a boat, while our aging roof went ignored. It wasn't even a "hey what do you think" kind of conversation: it was a "well, my buddy Joe has a boat and I've really worked hard too" with 0 acknowledgment that our financial picture was MUCH different than Joe and Sherri's. At the time I realized "damn this dude really could leave me destitute, without a second thought"

and that's when I started gathering resources and determination to leave.

Divorce gave me control of my own financial life again, and while my means and assets are more limited, I'm not afraid someone's going to just take them to blow on nonsense anymore. The house has a new roof, and I don't have to store a damn boat.

Dating wise, phew. It's rough out there. Did I mention I'm a sucker for a sob story? Well, there are legions of sob stories! Turns out there's pretty much always a big mass of malignant stupidity at the bottom of them.

But just about when I gave up, a great guy I'd been loosely acquainted with for years was so incredibly respectfully persistent that I said "well, ok!" and he's genuinely just the best man I've ever been with. I'm having a good time, and interested to see where this goes.

But I know I'll be ok whatever happens.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Thank you very much for sharing this, it’s helpful! And glad things are going well for you.

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Silver-Bid2023@reddit

28 years married, 2nd for both. Blended family, kids grown and out on their own with decent jobs and 3/4 are homeowners. We just enjoy each other’s company and have a lot of activities / hobbies in common. We are lucky…..

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Tokogogoloshe@reddit

I walked my dad down the aisle when he was 70.

I also grew up in a household where he stayed with my mom for the kids. Just don't.

As for the splitting of assets and income, it's doable. Being miserable for the last quarter of your life sucks.

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Motor-Farm6610@reddit

Walking your dad down the aisle must have been such a neat experience!!

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Tokogogoloshe@reddit

He was nervous like I was when I got married. The speech I had to give was fun.

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I don’t know who you’re talking to but I’m very not jet anyone who divorced who wasn’t happier afterward.

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QuietBirdsong@reddit

That doesn't seem to line up with statistics.

Regret after divorce — especially among those who divorce in their 50s after long marriages — is a complex and emotionally nuanced issue.

General Divorce Regret Statistics

Between 32% and 50% of people report regretting their decision to divorce.

Over 50% of divorced individuals report some level of regret within five years.

15% experience significant regret within two years of divorce.

Men and women differ: Around 30% of men and 50% of women report feeling regret.

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Late-Command3491@reddit

Where are those statistics from, may I ask?

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QuietBirdsong@reddit

Sorry, I just saw this. I asked Copilot, so if you want actual sources I'd have to dig.

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Late-Command3491@reddit

Sadly we do all know that AI makes things up.

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Oktodayithink@reddit

I found a study that says 27% of women and 32% of men regret getting divorced. That’s way lower than 50% and I think more in line with people I know. Actually, no woman I know regrets their divorce.

Given that you met in a divorce support group, it seems that you probably put a lot of thought into the decision to get divorced in the first place. So I would assume that a group like that would be sad but realistic.

I'm more worried about the people like the OP that is just like 'hey, things are bad, maybe we should divorce' (he didn't give much info in the OP to go on).

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ackshualllly@reddit

What respectful responses to each other lol. Never see that

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Late-Command3491@reddit

If you think of abusive in broad terms (emotional, verbal, financial, as well as physical) I expect most divorces are abuse related and don't lead to regret.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

I’ll do that thank you

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emccm@reddit

There are plenty of “average” people on the dating market. If you want someone else you’ll need to work on yourself. What a lot of men I’ve observed fail to realize is how much the wives they claim not want any more do for them in terms of propping them up, building a home and cultivating a social life. My observations of later divorce is that one party seems to have a flow up and the other flails around for a period before trying to get back with their ex and then marrying the first person who’ll have them. Where both parties do well it’s been cases where they worked on themselves and their marriage throughout and then naturally drifted apart.

At 51 we’re in our peak earning years. If you’re struggling go manage a household your focus should be on shoring up your income and savings. Women your age will have their eye on their own retirement and protecting their assets. Younger women aren’t going to be interested in some average old guy with roommates and a messy divorce.

My advice is to take an honest look at your situation, what part you’ve played in it and what you are really looking for.

I’m about your age, no kids, successful career, fully funded everything, in great shape, have down the work in therapy and have a very happy, active and peaceful life. I’d not look in the direction of a man not at least where I am. I work with a lot of younger women. The single ones are ruthless with their standards and very happy being single.

If you’re unhappy and want a different life that you can properly articulate then divorce is for you. If you have some nebulous idea of someone “new” that’s mostly been formed by porn and the idea that older men are somehow in demand, you’ll not find what you’re looking for. Either way I recommend therapy and some deep self reflection.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

I should be clear here: I want to be with my wife, I desire her, I appreciate her. But she’s very impatient, unkind, terse, irritable. I’m walking on eggshells all the time. Also she has zero libido but that’s been a longtime problem I’ve given up on trying to change. It’s really nothing about wanting someone new or different (although I’d rather not die alone), it’s about wanting just basic kindness and respect.

Also, I went through a layoff last year that set my finances and income back pretty badly. I’m going what I can (got a decent job) but it’s a difficult job market for GenX. I make a decent income but I’m not rolling in it. She makes roughly the same amount as me.

I’m actually working on myself quite a bit. Very focused on improving my diet and started rucking for fitness.

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MsBigNutz@reddit

I’ll preface with I am not a doctor, but peri menopause can be terrible. Several of my female friends have gone on hormone replacement and are saying OMG, I finally feel like myself. I am not angry, I can sleep, I have libido etc. HRT is life changing and now very safe.

When I was going through it, my husband came to me and just said “I am really worried about us in menopause. Research shows a lot of divorce. What can we do and be proactive.” I loved him for his support and we talked to doctors to find what was right for me and us.

Let me be clear, happy alone is better than unhappy together. So if she won’t listen or isn’t willing to work it out with you. Divorce it is. But there might be something that she is willing to work on together.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Thanks - yeah I’m trying to encourage her to do HRT but it will be up to her. I think she’s scared of the research that said it can increase cancer risk but I think those studies were shown to be flawed.

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Motor-Farm6610@reddit

Its difficult because there hasnt been a lot shared with women about perimenopause, she may genuinely not know and just think shes angry/depressed/hates you. Maybe you could suggest she just give it a one week trial run.

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kemberflare@reddit

Yes. And that was exactly what I thought it was and why I was absolutely against the idea until I looked into how it’s being studied at Johns Hopkins (and other research hospitals around the world with our tax dollars) for all kinds of mental health reasons, especially PTSD.

Mushrooms (psilocybin) also has remarkable benefits that are being studied to help people. And you can legally go to other countries to try it in a controlled environment.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Thank you!

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smallerthantears@reddit

I was going to mention this! I've heard great things about Molly.

Weed can also do the trick!

Op, you sincerely sound like a good guy to me. I'm sorry about your setback career-wise!

Can you be a little creative trying to woo back your wife?

When a woman sees a man really make an effort, it can mean all the world to her. As I said above, once my husband realized it would be financially devastating if we divorced he because so sweet, so great, that I kind of melted. I'm 53 and he is 58.

You could get creative, Molly, mushrooms, sex therapist, retreats. If nothing works then maybe it's time to call it quits.

We women have a tough go at life. Menopause really fucks up your head. So does pregnancies. Not discounting your experience!!

Wishing you guys the best.

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wellbloom@reddit

Microding shrooms is also a great way to reconnect neurons!

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kemberflare@reddit

Yes!! I think people don’t realize that getting into the same routine programs the brain for just that. We need to do new things to make new neural connections. I’d suggest for OP and spouse to try some new things— deep talks like when couples first start out.

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BacardiandCoke@reddit

I’m sober now but believe everyone should try Molly at least once. Glad it worked for you!

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AnastasiaNo70@reddit

Sounds like perimenopause or menopause.

Was she always like this?

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Sorta yeah, just arguably worse now.

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awmaleg@reddit

Post over on r/deadbedrooms

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

I have.

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DoctorChimpBoy@reddit

You only live once. We are getting close to over. You already know what the rest of your days are going to be in this relationship if you don't change something. We can't change anybody else. Seriously, take her ass to discernment counseling (look it up) and see if you can light a fire for either one of you.

If you break it off and do your inner work for a couple of years, you may find that you'd much rather die alone rather than tolerate another fractured soul. Though of course you're a fractured soul yourself if you're asking this question in this way, which means you're not treating yoir wife particularly well either. But, by and large, women do not come back following a lack of attraction.

OK, I'm a widower, so this is a bit different for me.

My wife never compromised...we negotiated; everything was negotiable, but I never gave something up just to go along. When she passed, I felt crushed, like Atlas or Sisyphus; I couldn't breath. I do remember things from single-days I used to do and started doing some again, but some lifelong hobbies we used to do together, I quit doing completely. My wife passed from cancer and I would live those 29 years all over even knowing how it ends; she literally made me a better human being. I don't have much intention of dating; I don't think it is fair because the bar is high.

In the last 5 or so years I've had two friends (around 50 years old) divorce after decades of marriage and kids.

Both are now renting and pretty much unable to get back into the housing market after the family home (not paid off) was sold, so, there's that.:(

We've always on 50/50 since we met. So affordability is not a concern here. We both have union jobs and had these jobs since we met.

We came close to divorce once. We had a lot on our plates (kids + finances + travel) and didn't handle it well. We both got therapist, couples therapy and began a new bonding ritual. Those days are long behind us but we make sure to check in with each other more effectively during high stress times.

When I think divorce I'm thinking I don't want anyone living with me or doing an overnight at my place. I think I'm a oneshot and done person when it comes to living together and marriage. I would date casually and nothing more than that. My husband would probably get snatched up within 48 hours lol

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ValgalNP@reddit

Ive been married 35 yrs. We have been through many tough times but worked through it. I am so glad we did. I can’t imagine being happier. The struggle can sometimes teach us new things about each other and ourselves. I’d suggest counseling first if you haven’t tried that before. Maybe give it a chance? I know every situation is different but thought I’d offer a different perspective.

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Shifty_Bravo@reddit

I met an amazing woman at 47 and immediately left my partner of 24 years. It was a horrible break up and I lost a house and most of my savings, but I'm now the happiest I have ever been. I didn't have kids with the partner thank goodness.

One thing I had to ask myself was a) Do I want stability and be miserable? or b) Do I want to lose most of my money but be happy? I chose to be happy. I can always make more money.

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No-Relation5965@reddit

Darn this makes me worry that my husband will just randomly meet someone one day and poof marriage over!

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MaverisStranger@reddit

Yea, many of them se m to treat marriage like it's nothing. Disturbing...

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Illustrious-Tap8069@reddit

I think that people this "randomly" happens to often missed a lot of warnings along the way.

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Reader47b@reddit

I was content in my marriage. My husband, though, apparently thought it was a bad marriage (without telling me so, all the while saying he loved me), and he left me for someone he was having a secret affair with. It was abrupt and soul-crushing from my perspective.

I hope to find love again, or at least companionship, but I am not optimistic. I'm old, I lost so much earning potential by willingly putting my goals second to my husband's, and the kids still lean on me financially and emotionally. They live with me, but they are legally adults, so he has no legal obligation to support them.

I'm trying to adjust to the idea of being without a significant other until I die, the idea of making my life fulfilling through friendship, family, and my own pursuits. It's hard to imagine that, though, when you've spent a quarter of a century building your life around a single person. I'm fortunate in many ways, but it all feels so meaningless without some special someone to share it with, and parenting, even older "adult" kids, especially when there are health problems and mental problems involved, is exhausting without a co-parent to lean on, to talk to, to share the emotional burden.

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MaverisStranger@reddit

Really sorry this happened to you.

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ScoogyShoes@reddit

OMG, I thought I was reading my own post. Hugs to you. It's soul-crushing.

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maddog2271@reddit

For what it’s worth, everyone I have known (men and women) who did the soul searching and decided to end things in their late 40’s and beyond have been happy with that choice. The other partner (the one who had the divorce papers handed to them) have been a mixed bag but in the whole, also positive long term. I am currently married and I am happy enough to continue, but if my wife decided it was time to end it I could also accept that, take “my half” (because in our case she definitely earned her half!) and move on. Some relationships just run their course…I think “til death do us part” is a quaint notion but it also was coined back when people died a lot younger.

JMR215@reddit

Fun fact; if he suddenly stopped breathing, she can collect his Social Security as a widower, even if he is remarried. This is because she was married to him for more than 10 years.

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RiffRandellsBF@reddit

So... still dependent on him? Interesting.

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Top_Mathematician233@reddit

I get no spousal or child support. Don’t want it. Never have. Wanna keep making assumptions about women? Go ahead. There are plenty of us who make you look stupid right now. The arrogance it must take to proudly make such a ridiculous generalized assumption…

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

You’re not going to find someone awesome at this age…I mean you might…as the 0.5%….so if you want to leave just for the hope of finding “better”…it doesn’t exist…but leave if you feel you’d be better off alone

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Righteous_Fury224@reddit

Been with my wife since 1993, married in 2008.

We've had our highs and lows and plateaus but we're still going. I have zero interest in divorce nor would I consider an affair as life's hard enough already, then add in the complications of another person plus the fact that you're now a cheating bastard... yeah... not worth it at all.

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ScoogyShoes@reddit

My situation absolutely sucks. My husband of 27 years listened to online YT psychics and spiritual psychos and went in search of his twin flame. I didn't see it coming. I didn't even know we had problems. He ended our company and marriage on the same day. And if you asked me right after our morning walk, I would have told you there was no stronger marriage than ours. We had a couple of rough patches, but they were firmly behind us.

I have no idea what I am doing out here. It's scary. But it just happened 4 months ago, so, I'm not one to ask.

Our son despises him for giving me no warning signs. I have never once spoken ill of that man to him, before you judge. Not once in his 25 years. It's not that he left that made him hate him, it's seeing his mom broken. Take care to treat her with kindness and respect, as I'm sure you will. Maybe a marriage counselor or spiritual advisor could help you untangle this in your mind.

I’m not sure what you meant.

But overall, kids are going to see that the relationship is unhealthy. They know. And having their role models stuck in an unhappy situation for years really doesn’t do them any good.

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rahah2023@reddit

You do remember the 50’s I hope when fathers mostly worked and had clubs or golf and displays of affection were rare… it was cultural and healthy happy children were raised.

But if you are miserable and display it you would be setting a bad example

OP seems not thrilled in her marriage but not desperate either and seems to want a divorce to “try a new” which is a fantasy and marriage can be a long road with ups and downs- if you want a better marriage or life… both take effort.

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No-Relation5965@reddit

OP is the husband I believe (unless OP is woman married to a woman).

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frisbeemassage@reddit

I disagree. I split from my ex when my kids were 12 and 13. They knew we were unhappy. My son recently said “you and dad seem much happier now”, which in turn has led to more happiness for them. My ex and I have coparented well and never speak ill of each other. It very much depends on the situation but staying unhappy “for the kids” isn’t always the right thing to do

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We’ve talked about it but always too busy to actually do it. And when I got some therapy on my own and the Doc gave me some documentation on love languages and Gottman, my wife wouldn’t engage with it.

The grass is probably always greener, but one of my biggest regrets is not divorcing in my 30s at the point it was clear my marriage wasn’t good. It felt like it got better; but in retrospect, I just got used to the pain.

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Okra7000@reddit

Forgot to say- also at 50 I met a man through mutual friends, who’s done a lot of work on himself. We’re compatible, we dated for years and recently got married. We take care of ourselves but neither of us looks like a movie star. We treat each other well. I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t recommend assuming you’ll find someone else, because many people don’t. You have to be content with friends and family and no romantic partner. But, some of us are out here finding love in our 50s.

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MilkChocolate21@reddit

As a single person, why do married people think being single is so untenable? Why can't you imagine being happily single as opposed to "I can't find anyone better?"

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GalianoGirl@reddit

I was married 22 years. Marriage ended 11 years ago. My ex was a diagnosed narcissist, financially abusive. I had a mental breakdown after the abrupt separation.

My life is my own now.

I have zero interest in having another man in my life. I have been looking after others since I was 13 years old.

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Naive-Beekeeper67@reddit

In my 50s too. If me & hb weren't getting on. I'd be okay divorcing. Zero interest in another man in my life. Be quite content being alone. One man in aserious relationship is enough for one lifetime! I suppose if you want sex? You need a man. But i have zero interest or need for sex. So i have no real need for a man at all.

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mrr68@reddit

I divorced at 50, was married 20 years, 1 grown kid who already exited successfully. When we divorced my wife and I were both working in high paying tech jobs and we were on solid financial footing so we did not have to navigate stressed finances.

Dating in my 50's was quite honestly amazing -- like way better than any other time in my life. I used Bumble, no other apps. It helps that I am decently handsome and super gym fit -- ribbed abs and all. It does not hurt that I am a high income earner! I got laid all the tine, had two relationships, one short and one that went about 9 months. I even dated a retired ballet dancer (she was in her mid 40s) who was transitioned in teaching at university. One thing I found out on dating though is a lot of women were harboring drama from their previous marriage and that would too commonly be directed at me. Then there are the no-kids/never married (in their 40s - 50s) crowd -- yeah, those are the ones who were...mal-adjusted?

FWIW, I am almost 57 and I am now re-married....to my former ex-wife. Yes, the same woman. Things are good. The years apart gave us both time to grow and work out our own shit. For me, dating many different women gave me appreciation for the many good things about my wife that I took for granted over the years.

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earthgarden@reddit

Same age as you, together 29 years and married 26 years. We weathered through the divorce storm after only 3 years married, but made it through. Marriage counseling saved us, so I would say try that, insist on that before giving up.

Also reconnect physically. Commit to a date night and being loving to one another. Treat your wife as if you’re dating her, and ask her to do the same for you. Physical connection makes a huge difference in how you feel about one another.

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Internal-Poetry185@reddit

It's brutal! Splitting finances, family possessions and everything else. It will wreck your life (temporarily) Divorce is never smooth and easy. Especially after 20 years and having kids. It's going to suck much worse than you could ever imagine. Yet on the other hand, after 3-4 years of terribleness, you will likely recover. And happy being on your own, or with another woman that has an equal number of flaws to your current wife.... Just different ones.

And the kids are usually the ones that lose the most in these situations

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watch-nerd@reddit

55 years old. October will be our 21st anniversary.

From what I can tell, the short cut to meeting new people is having a puppy.

I have a 5 month old puppy, and when I take him out, it gets lots of attention, 70% of it from women.

Homecoming dance in '85, Prom in '86, just had our 38th anniversary. Nothing is perfect, but sometimes things can work out long term. It takes letting go resentment, empathy, and a good sense of humor.

I like to say, so far, so good, we'll see. Currently planning a big 40th anniversary get-away for 2027.

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SignificantTransient@reddit

A successful marriage requires two people willing to put in the work.

Maybe it's time to have a serious discussion

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Popular-Fan8124@reddit

Go. Happiness and peace are a far better way to live the rest of your life. Staying because of my daughter and not wanting to be divorced was the biggest mistake I made.

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kadora@reddit

If you think you’d be happier single then go for it. Keep in mind that with women our age, you’re not competing against other men— you’re competing against the peaceful life they’ve carved out for themselves.

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Evil_Garen@reddit

51M married 23 years together 27. As everyone has said there are ups and downs but she is my BF.

If anything ever happened would never consider another marriage. Have never been on a dating app and get enough flirts at the bar I think I could scratch the itch if it came up.

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PhoenixDoingPhoenix@reddit

I did it, but stayed put in our home. We divided up the house, his and hers lol, and we live together pretty peaceably actually. Once the marriage ended we were able to revert back to the solid friendship, which has been amazing.

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aogamerdude@reddit

I'm thinking before you even get married you have to experience life out of your comfort areas, even if it costs a little for the experience. Travel? -like it but not as much as some people, books- sure there's always lifestyle to read about, & so on.

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dMatusavage@reddit

If you find someone new after you leave, that’s ok. If you don’t? Well, you’ll still be ok.

You are stronger than you realize.

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Top-Examination-1987@reddit

Bro, you are just a year younger than me. I was in a miserable place - just like you are. I was married to a woman who is a doctor. She lived for work. I, also have a career (six-figure earner), was the cook, the groundskeeper, the maintenance man, the mechanic, the laundromat, kid taxi, etc. She worked and I ran the house and my career. And don’t even get me started on zero sex life.

When my youngest (we have 2 kids) got to be a freshman in college - I gave her another 6 mos (I wanted to know my kid was adjusted to college away from home, and I told her I wanted a divorce. One of the toughest things I ever did. I was 49 years old, but I knew there’s more to life and I wasn’t gonna wait to start living until she retired.

She was stoic at first - but didn’t fight me. I made her a fair offer and she took it. 5 years later, I’m remarried to a fantastic woman who supports me. She’s a true partner. Hell, I gotta fight her for the zero turn mower. I am living with the person I was supposed to be with.

You’re 53, I’m not saying get divorced, but you’re too damn young to be miserable for the rest of it. There’s plenty of women out there looking for a good man.

Go get in the gym and get back to your fighting weight - it’s gonna suck because you’ll grieve the life you believed you’d have. Once you get past the grief, you’ll get your legs back under you and find your stride. I promise there’s happiness out there.

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BraveG365@reddit

Another thing to consider is how will this affect your retirement.

I have seen so many people in our age range who got a divorce and especially for the guy their savings were wiped out from it. So now they complain how they will have to probably work into their 70's just to be able to afford retirement.

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eastbaypluviophile@reddit

I have no kids and I’ve been married 3 times. First time I really thought it would work. We fell apart under stress. Second time was all my fault and it lasted less than a year… he was a good man who did nothing wrong, we were compatible on paper and I thought I would “learn to love him.” Nope.

I’m now married to my high school crush/love of my life and we are coming up on 10 years together which have been the best and happiest 10 years of my life. We reconnected by sheer accident when he was 51 and I was 50. This is his second marriage after spending 21 years married to his ex and being miserable the last 15. It took every bit of strength he had to leave and it was an arduous journey to arrive at the decision. ‘Cheaper to keep her’, he was a terrible people pleaser and peace keeper, basically traded in his spine/balls trying to make everyone around him happy, and his ex never passed up a chance to remind their kids that he ‘abandoned them and destroyed the family’ 😣

He sometimes feels angry about losing >50% of his net worth, but insists it was worth it to be away from that dysfunction. As it turns out, his ex is probably gay and still firmly closeted. I can’t imagine what he endured all those years and he stayed faithful, never cheated.

The unknown is always scary especially at our age. But you can make it into anything you like, based on your perspective. It can be a grand adventure or a miserable slog. If you leave to find your happiness, make sure you leave no stone unturned to find it.

Oof, sorry to hear that.

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madbull73@reddit

I’m right there with you brother. 52, hitting the 30 year mark this year. Kids are past the point of needing child support. It would cost me a lot of my pension I’m sure.

 The bad part is that things are better now than they have been in years. Amazingly ever since I made it clear that I have no more financial necessity to stay, most of her “issues” miraculously cleared up. I’m still so fucking bitter over the last twenty five years that I doubt I can ever be happy again.

 I know full well that if I leave I’ll have to work longer, will never find anyone else, and I won’t be any happier than I am now. Still considering it. Just so fucking bitter.

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SummerBirdsong@reddit

My question is do you two still love each other at all? If you do giving some more work may be worth it, especially after the kids are adults and not your problem. Getting that pressure off can help.

If the answer is "no" then I would suggest doing the best you can until the kids are launched or otherwise able to contribute to whichever household they will be living with. Not necessarily "staying together for the kids"; more of a "trying to not fuck up the finances until the child raising is finished" thing.

Yeah the kids can tell you're not happy in the relationship but late teens is old enough to have some discussions about the situation and why things are going on and what lies ahead. They're old enough to understand the economy sucks right now and sometimes we have to stick with stuff we're not happy with RIGHT NOW to not jeopardize the future.

No matter what you decide -stay, go, or wait- you need to get your family into counseling to help y'all navigate it.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Thanks, good advice!

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stimuluspackage4u@reddit

Pretty bad or pretty boring? Relationships have ups and downs and require work. I understand showing the kids not to stay in truly dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships but you can also show them how to do the hard work that is needed.

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

Bad, not boring tbh. Boring I could fix more easily :)

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lab_chi_mom@reddit

Here’s my brutally honest take, all from my personal experience:

1) Divorce will finically decimate you to the extent it could take years to climb back.

2) Any new relationship that involves children from another relationship is incredibly tricky. The children generally want their mom and dad together. You’ll be expected to love them like your own and your mistakes will be put under the microscope; there may be very little grace given. Additionally, the children won’t love you to the same degree you’re expected to love them, which is normal and you have to be OK with that.

3) You will lose friends and the extended family of your partner’s.

4) No matter the age, your children will suffer. Their degree of suffering may actually be less than how they suffered with unhappy parents who don’t love each other, but there will be suffering nonetheless.

All that being said:

*You will no longer dread the weekends or time “alone” together at night.

*Your children will be happy to see you happy.

*As difficult as it is, given time and the right approach, you may end up with some amazing bonus children.

*Money can be made again and options like bankruptcy could help you start over.

You’ll have truly phenomenal sex again.

*With less worry/frustration/bitterness/anger, you enjoy the freedom to find yourself. I now love to hike, have explored my relationship with God, and discovered my infinite love for the Pacific Northwest.

If you learn and grow, your next relationship may very well be the most fulfilling yet; it will be more prone to last if* you learn from your mistakes.

At 53, you only have so much time left. Do you want to be miserable with what remains? The sunk coast fallacy is a mistake to buy into. However, are you willing to work hard for your happiness and let go of some aspects of your lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to?

Have you talked to your spouse about any of this?

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Relevant_Fuel_9905@reddit (OP)

I’ve tried. She doesn’t really engage. She deflects with “I have to think about it” but never comes back with anything.

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Educational-Milk5099@reddit

Odds are good that, at the end, you won’t feel particularly proud or successful because you stayed in a bad relationship. You get only so many years — don’t waste any more of them than you already have. If you’re a loving and attentive parent, your kids will be fine.

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MaximumJones@reddit

My advice: whatever you do, NEVER take advice from Reddit. 😁

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58, still married at 23 years and still in love. We did hit that 7 year itch way back and went to therapy. It helped. What also helped is hitting our 50s. Financially and emotionally more mature. The 40s was full of malaise and ‘is this it?” thoughts. Now we simply are on the same page and have less reserve our Fks to give to what matters.

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Big_Metal2470@reddit

Just got divorced this year. We filed a few weeks before what would have been our 21st anniversary. It has been hard financially, but OMG, my life is so much better. It's going to be a while before I recover financially, but I no longer have to stuff myself into a cage of a marriage. My son is happier, I'm happier, and well, nothing will make my ex husband happy, which is part of why I divorced him.

You won't regret it.

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amalgaman@reddit

I’m divorced since 2017 and about to be remarried. I have a couple things going for me: I’m a 6 but I have an engaging but relaxed personality, I look somewhat like Clark Kent, and I have a stable income that keeps me in the comfortable range.

A lot of what happens after the divorce depends on how both sides take the initial divorce. My ex refused to see anything was wrong except for me. So, when we separated, she kept telling my kids that I was abandoning them and forced them into the position of being emotional stabilizers for her.

In my state, when you get divorced, you have to take this course about doing what’s best for your children’s emotional health. My ex violated every single thing it said would be best for them.

As you might imagine, this put quite the strain on my relationship with my kids.

I was lucky enough to find someone compatible and who actually seemed to like me.

So, long story short, I’m much happier now. But my relationships with my kids are still strained, even though I’m literally the only reason they have a roof over their heads, a car to drive, and their cure college tuition paid.

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TotallyDissedHomie@reddit

I wouldn’t worry about the kids, late teens they understand…mine divorced when my siblings were late teens and they did fine, I was 11 and it threw my life into complete turmoil.

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Square-Wave5308@reddit

No regrets leaving at 56, and I didn't let any regrets about not doing it earlier stick. Our relationship was more gently broken. We were polite and committed, but I had realized I wasn't dead yet and had paid a huge price remaining with someone who was content with a sexless marriage. Low libido, some secret weird hang ups, whatever.

My first date since I was 21 happened after the divorce finalized. A bit more than 2 years later we've planning our wedding, we have a vibrant social life, we travel and go to a lot of other activities that delight us.

I am 55 and my divorce was finally completed last month, after 4 years. We were both miserable for at least 15 years. She was avoidant and refused to address any of our issues. She would go full DARVO when I would try to talk to her about my unhappiness. She refused couples therapy. She could be verbally and occasionally physically abusive (slapping across the face in anger) with our three sons.

An old girlfriend got divorced, with whom I had a great relationship 30 years prior, just as my marriage was falling apart. I left my wife to be with her. It was tough but I managed to end up now with solid relationships with my three kids and a civil relationship with my ex wife (it was certainly not civil for two of those four years).

And my relationship with my partner is amazing. Life is so goddamn much easier when the way one naturally shows love is the way the partner wants to receive it, and vice-versa. I am a happy man after 20 years of misery

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caffeine_nation@reddit

I was unhappily married 20 years, single for 8. In that time, I have done a ton of dating, but no success in finding a new relationship.

But I am absolutely comfortable and happy single. Took me a bit to get here though

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

I'm 54F and am very glad I left my second marriage. 16 years together and we had a 15 year old at the time. But I will caution you. I took a complete break, focused on my business, and my older two sons were already adults. My 15 year old wound up getting really into martial arts and was rarely home. and his dad and I remained friends after an initial bit of fighting. I had no interest in dating.

He on the other hand was desperately out there trying to hook up. I'm not the jealous type so he wound up turning to me for advice. (We probably should never have gotten married, we were better as friends.)

But he wound up getting really really depressed about the dating situation out there. He somehow assumed that he'd have no problem. He's an attractive man, good paying job, funny, talented and sexy. Online dating was a nightmare for him; None of the women ever looked like their pictures. He basically went broke trying to find someone.

One top of this, (and this is very important) he wound up being diagnosed with cancer about 4 years after we separated. So my advice to you is to GET MEDICAL CHECK UPS before you decide to divorce. He was shocked.

I wound up having to try to help care take him with my son, but at that point I had already moved on with dating someone else, Even though I and my now partner were cool with trying to help, my ex couldn't handle it. It turned into a nightmare because he felt abandoned and had no girlfriend or anyone to help him.

My son managed this amazingly btw. He is wonderful. Thank goodness. I've been divorced twice with kids in each situation. It never really impacted them because we all were adults about it.

So my advice to you, is to take a good hard look at how you feel about being completely alone if you get a divorce. If you are prepared to go it all alone, don't hesitate. But if you realize that you actually value having a wife, partner, person who has your back even if you fight all the time, try to turn that into something stronger instead of leaving.

Sorry so long. Hope it helps. Also btw my ex is healthy and engaged in a happy relationship right now. So it did work out in the end.

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TreetopLuva@reddit

Left after a good and then not so great 21 years. 25 total. Best decision I have ever made and the kid now gets to see their parents happy. If you are thinking about it - Do it. It’s fucking awful to be there but after a while if you are still interested in living, life is still there for you to live and live well.

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Fair_Presence_6232@reddit

I don’t have a success story but I was common law not married. For me I had to move in with family. 12 years later I’m still single. My ex moved his gf in when my daughter was 13. She had him block me everywhere so we never co parented together. My daughter lives full time with me and always has. So sometimes I think I should have stayed for her sake. She feels she has no ‘family’ and it’s really affected her. So perhaps I shouid have tried harder to make it work in hindsight.

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josephus_jones@reddit

I sobered up at 50 after 35 years of hardcore drug and alcohol abuse. I was with my ex for 25 of those years. She refused to even consider quitting drinking. I went to therapy and exercised a lot. Divorced. Met someone shortly afterwards who is also actively sober. We married. She got pregnant with both of our first kid. She's now 2.5 years old. I'm closing in on five years sober. Mom hit five years in April. I'm married to my best friend, recently retired and living in a part of the country (USA) I've dreamed of living in for years. I am genuinely happy and at peace for the first time in my life.

Happiness is a choice. But you have to work on it. I never minded working hard. I finally have the fruits of that labor.

Good luck.

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Designer_Horse_3722@reddit

Life is nasty, brutish and short, to nick a phrase. I was in a relationship for 22 years, a solid 6.5/10 happy by the end of it and sort of resigned to bumbling along for the remaining 30 odd years of life. I wasn't UNhappy. But.... Divorce, including the fear, upset, anger, sadness has been the best thing. I'd lost myself, what I liked, who I was as a person. 2.5 years on I'm in a relationship with someone who 'gets' me completely, I do what I like without worrying my partner is only doing things 'to make me happy' and I feel like I've got a future I want now.

Please don't stay with someone you aren't into any more. That's just not fair on them. They deserve more than 6.5 out of 10 (with someone else or alone) too. Good luck, whatever you decide.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

10000% I am happier being alone than in a bad marriage. Also, many of my friends have gone through this as well. Kids also know when their parents are in a bad marriage. Don’t stay for them. That’s doing the opposite of what you think. But it is hard work to come out the other side and be happy. You need to understand what is making you u happy in your marriage and how much of it is YOU.

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redbeard914@reddit

I've been divorced twice. Married college girlfriend, and it was a mistake. She cheated. 3 years.

2 ‐ Married the wrong person. We split at 7 years.

I spent a lot of time figuring out what I should (4+ years) and found the right one. We've been married 21 years and we are there for each other.

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KraytsClaw@reddit

I’m one year post divorce (52M) with 2 kids after a 20 year marriage… best thing that ever happened to me. It was always cheaper to keep her, but in the end I’m better off broke without her.