When I was a wee sprout of naughty but eight short years, I was at the South Coast Plaza, though far from the events as they unfolded, when that old lady became the first victim in what would become known as "The Cabbage Patch Riots".

When we heard about it later that day on the news, we were flabbergasted that anyone would be willing to kill or die for a fucking toy.

I would not wish working Christmas Rush at Wal-Mart on my worst enemy. Particularly in the Tickle-Me Elmo year. I was thanking my lucky stars that my first kid was still in the oven and I was going to miss out on that particular craze. Just hearing that damned thing in the commercials made me want to bore out my eardrums with an ice auger.