Has it become unacceptable to speak or write the words died, dead, or death?
Posted by real415@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 107 comments
A younger relative informed me that referring directly to death is now considered unacceptable. It seems today that we’ve switched from saying “Dad died” to “Dad passed.”
I believe that of course we should offer condolences to, show sensitivity toward, and extend sympathy to the bereaved around the death of their loved ones.
But really, is the formerly polite saying “Sorry to learn of your mother’s death …” considered poor form? Must we always use a euphemism and say “her passing” instead?
I realise that language and culture is constantly changing and this may already have changed faster than I imagined.
I’d love to hear some other perspectives on this.
BlackQuartzSphinx_@reddit
I haven't noticed the exact change you described. Rather, I've noticed an increase in use of terms like "unalived", "sewer slide", "toaster bath", etc that started with online content creators trying to avoid being demonetized and crept into the general lexicon.
StanleyQPrick@reddit
It’s double plus ungood
DryRecommendation795@reddit
Excellent newspeak. Orwell lives on!
StanleyQPrick@reddit
There’s nothing excellent about it
DryRecommendation795@reddit
I was complimenting your use of newspeak (“double plus ungood”).
StanleyQPrick@reddit
I know
MyUsername2459@reddit
Unthink doubleplus ungood thoughtcrime!
___daddy69___@reddit
big brother is proud of you
Living_Implement_169@reddit
The wording you described is to avoid censorship bots
SoftLast243@reddit
I’ve probably heard “unalive” the most and particularly when it comes to the act of killing oneself. I’m not sure if that’s to avoid internet censors or if it’s a Gen Z/Gen A thing.
womanaroundabouttown@reddit
It started as a censor thing and then became part of the lexicon. Personally, I absolutely hate it, as does pretty much everyone I know who has lost a loved one. I truly can’t imagine that the people saying it are saying it in actual context of someone’s death, because it’s such a bizarre whitewash of bereavement. It’s also so weird because it’s used in the context of someone being killed, by themselves or others. So in saying someone “unalived” themself, you’re removing all agency and significance from the act. It’s even worse when saying someone was killed in a murder sense: just depraved removal of all accountability.
Ravenclaw79@reddit
Or “kms”
No_Salad_8766@reddit
I think its both. I think the younger generation started saying it to avoid the censors.
Brilliant_Towel2727@reddit
The use of 'passed' or 'passed away' as a euphemism for 'died' has been around for a while, but I don't think it would be considered rude to say died.
ilanallama85@reddit
My mother feels quite strongly that euphemisms like “passed” are disrespectful and harmful because they obfuscate the truth of the matter. We all die, it’s an essentially part of living, acknowledge it and learn to live with it. Not saying the word won’t make it not come for you, you know.
tmckearney@reddit
And by "a while", you mean at least 50 years. It's been this way my whole life
MuppetManiac@reddit
The euphemism “passed away” was coined in the 15th century.
Correct_Stay_6948@reddit
People censor the dumbest shit now.
Shit = shii
Ass = ahh
Gun = pew pew
suicide = sewer slide
rape = grape
Fuck = fugg
and many more.
Notice I typed all that, and the cops haven't put a bullet through my head yet? That's because it's not illegal. It's idiots bending the knee to the algorithm in fear of being demonetized. We went from content warnings (I support those) to flat out using comical word play to avoid saying a word.
"After my attacker graped me in the ahh I considered committing sewer slide with a pew pew because I dead ahh couldn't deal with this fuggin shii."
That's a real sentence you'll see in the wild. It looks like a comic making fun of someone's traumatic experience, but that's legit the things people say and the lengths they'll go to in order to make a couple bucks from YouTube or TikTok.
VanityInk@reddit
"passed" has been an euphemism for death since the Victorian era (https://www.etymonline.com/word/passing). Treading carefully around "indelicate topics" is hardly a "kids these days" thing.
shelwood46@reddit
I remember 50 years ago that people often whispered "cancer" and forget about even mentioning a pregnancy loss, that was behind closed doors only. We definitely say all versions of the word "die" now.
VanityInk@reddit
Mentioning pregnancy loss would would mentioning pregnancy to start with--which was also a big no-no for a good stretch of time (since it meant talking (indirectly) about whispers sex). She's "in the family way" or "in a delicate condition" or any other number of euphemisms there!
XXXperiencedTurbater@reddit
Born 87. Grew up with “passed away” being the more polite usage.
Like if you heard a coworker’s relative died you’d say “I’m sorry to hear of your grandma’s passing.” But with closer friends or family, “died” is fine.
When my grandma died in 2020 I wrote to my job and said “I’ll be out a few days, my grandmother passed away.” But I told my friend “hey my grandma died, I’ll be back home for a few days”
PuffinScores@reddit
I have always used "death" or "to die" and not "passed" when I speak. However, there are some people who seem to think it's better to say "passed" and I don't argue. I just think it's all the same. I would never say, "Sorry your mom kicked the bucket...took the great gig in the sky...crossed the rainbow bridge" or any other overly lighthearted versions of "died" but I would stick with "died" in this case.
shelwood46@reddit
I hate all the euphemisms. I saw a vaguebook post from a college classmate who was talking about his wife, who was another classmate, using the usual euphemisms for death "she left us" "we need to learn to live without her" -- so I assumed she died suddenly. Nope, she just dumped him (and their children were adults, she didn't abandon them they were grown up).
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AbyssalRedemption@reddit
People started censoring themselves because platforms like TikTok were banning/ removing posts and comments that used those words. Over time, the self-censorship began spreading to other platforms, even though those platforms often weren't outright preventing use of the full words. There's literally zero reason not to use the full words except because some big-tech social platforms don't want you to. Do not give into that temptation whenever possible.
SuLiaodai@reddit
When sending condolences, in my experience as someone 50+, people have always tended to avoid the words die, dead or death, because they feel too harsh. I'd feel shocked if someone said "Sorry for your mother's death." Where I grew up, we'd be more likely to say, "I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother," or "My condolences on the loss of your mother."
One interesting linguistic change I've noticed is that up until maybe the mid 2010's, white people said "passed away" ("Uncle John passed away.") and Black people said "passed" ("Uncle John passed."). Now "passed" has spread and become common with all racial groups.
little_runner_boy@reddit
Just do whatever you were doing 10 years ago. Whatever started the whole "unalived" bullshit, I wish it was never created
shakeyshake1@reddit
I saw a comment referring to a “pew pew” earlier when talking about people committing suicide using a gun. It seemed disrespectful to the entire situation.
Acrobatic-March-4433@reddit
It can probably sound a bit harsh to someone who's just had a relative die. "Passing" softens it a bit. With grieving people, their reactions can all be totally different. I didn't even like hearing people talk about my dad in the past tense for a while after he died. I also only recently discovered the alternative to the phrase "committed suicide" (self-exiting), which does sound gentler in tone. I've heard the expression "passed away" since childhood, so I know that's not a new custom or anything.
Asparagus9000@reddit
Its more acceptable than it used to be.
The euphemisms for that have been around for hundreds of years.
kibbeuneom@reddit
This isn't new. We all know "passed away" means died, but it's insensitive to be so direct and say "sorry your mom died".
Living_Implement_169@reddit
Uhhh - the formal and polite wording is to used “passing” or “passed”… “death” has always been the blunt way to put it.
Nash_man1989@reddit
I personally use passed away in most cases but I have never heard anyone offended by died
Proud-Delivery-621@reddit
This is an online phenomenon. TikTok famously censored any word having to do with deat, in part due to the Chinese taboo on it and in part to make things more advertiser friendly. When TikTok was banned a lot of people moved to Instagram, YouTube, etc, and brought the slang ways of getting around the censors with them. Contrary to popular belief, Instagram, YouTube, and Reddit do not shadowban comments that don't self-censor, but a lot of people think they do and avoid using those words. YouTube videos do demonitize, age restrict, and reduce priority in the algorithm for advertiser-unfriendly words, but for some reason people still think they're going to be shadowbanned in the comments and self-censor there too.
Former-Ad9272@reddit
I've always thought that the "Unalive", "Self Delete", "Pew Pew", and "PDF file" bullshit was just to get around YouTube and Clock app censorship.
G00dSh0tJans0n@reddit
The trend with young folk doing this comes from the fact that a lot of social media accounts will flag use of words like suicide or died so they get around that by using unalive or similar euphemisms and that has bled over into real life as well.
motionpriority@reddit
I think the Internet is to blame for this one. In people’s efforts to not be demonetized, I’ve been seeing words pop up to avoid theorized trigger words for being demonetized. For example, instead of saying “he killed him”, one would say “he unalived him”.
I’ve heard one person say this in public, and they were instantly ridiculed for talking like an idiot, so this may strictly remain with the online crowd.
However, I’d say in other times, a choice of words may be an attempt to be gentle, especially if the subject is/was of value to the person you’re speaking to.
milkandsugar@reddit
As a southern person I hear "passed" a lot more than "died," and it's been on my mind lately because I, too, could swear that when I was growing up, only certain cultural groups or "country" people would say someone "passed." We never said it in my household, and I never thought of it as a regular expression. Now it seems everyone I know is saying "passed" instead of died and it's driving me crazy ... and I do not understand it. I will never say someone has "passed" because it will always sound weird to my ears.
real415@reddit (OP)
This is exactly my sentiment. My grandparents were all born in the 1890s and none of them ever spoke euphemistically about death. I remember my granddad in his 80s looking at the obituaries and speaking frankly about death and dying. Not morbidly, but openly and without a need to hide or soften the topic. Always died, never passed.
uncomfortable_heat@reddit
I have no problem saying that someone died. Death is a part of life. We all die.
Dying is not shameful. Dying is not embarrassing. Dying is sometimes tragic, sometimes expected after a long illness. Even death by suicide or addiction is death because the illness was not in remission. Death brings sadness to those who grieve. My goldfish died. My dog died. My son died. Jesus died.
notsosecretshipper@reddit
It's not anything new to use gentle wording or euphemisms, but it is a new social media thing where some platforms censor those words or similar ones. Younger people who are on those websites have developed a speech pattern that keeps their comments and posts from being flagged and auto-deleted, and many of them are so embroiled in their online life, they start to think that real life people also find those words unacceptable.
It's stupid and I hate it.
Especially for children or when doctors have to break the news to close family members, it's important to actually use the words dead, death, died, dying in order to make it clear. Sometimes the euphemisms aren't understood or the person is so distraught that the news isn’t sinking in.
AwesomeHorses@reddit
No, you just need to be careful using those words on some social media websites because it can sometimes get you banned.
squidtheinky@reddit
There is a trend of saying "unalive" or similar phrases to avoid demonetization of online content.
Outside of that, generally, people say passed/ passed away when talking about loved ones or recent deaths of people they know.
It wouldn't necessarily be unacceptable to say dead/ died, it's just more polite to say passed/passed away. For example, "Sorry to hear your grandma died," seems a little insensitive compared to, "Sorry to hear your grandma passed away."
TheCloudForest@reddit
No.
People have always tred carefully around the subject, but nothing in particular has changed.
qlanga@reddit
I feel like the need to use that particular tense of the word doesn’t come up much, but I also think we usually get around it by phrasing the sentence like “people have always attempted/been inclined/tended to tread carefully”.
Not a criticism! I was just trying to figure out why I’d never really had to use that tense of “tread”. Apparently “trod” is also a word, “treaded” and “treading” are mostly for swimming and tires or shoes? TIL
No-Lunch4249@reddit
TIL about your edit, I absolutely would have gone with tred
ballrus_walsack@reddit
Tred’s dead baby
farmerben02@reddit
Pulp fiction reference in the wild, respect!
OutcomeMysterious281@reddit
Passed on
lkvwfurry@reddit
Tread is present tense. Trod or trodden is past. Tred is not a word (but I bet there is some lacrosse bro named Tred out there somewhere)
SteelRail88@reddit
Trod
Dalton387@reddit
Nope. If the person is younger, it’s highly likely this opinion is coming from consuming large amounts of content, where creators are punished by platforms for saying death, rape, suicide, etc.
They do it under the guise of “protecting” people, but don’t differentiate between someone saying to go kill yourself and someone talking about current events or how to identify suicidal feelings and how to handle it in a healthy manner.
Thus the creators get creative and say things like unalived and self-delete. Completely bypassing the stated purpose of the restrictions, but potentially leading younger people to think that saying it’s a bad thing. Talking about issues like death is healthy. It’s unhealthy to try to restrict healthy, or non-harmful, content about it.
At present, it’s no different than when tv shows have a character say “f-beeeep-ck”. Like we don’t know exactly what they’re saying. Useless pandering.
PsychologicalBat1425@reddit
In a condolence card are speaking to a family member, then I do say I'm sorry to hear he/she has passed. I don't think saying died or death is vulgar, but when someone has just died it is a difficult time for family and I want to offer comfort.
MangaMaven@reddit
Using terms like “passing” and “passed away” have always been considered gentler way of speaking as the grieving loved ones can use every consideration. If you’re picking up in the popularization of euphemisms for death on social media though, that an entirely separate matter.
Platforms are afraid they’ll lose money if advertisers are afraid to buy as space because they’re product could be attached to a video about an unpleasant topic. So, the platforms have been censoring and demonetizing anything that uses words such as “death,” “murder,” “sexual abuse,” ect. Now people who rely on those platforms have a choice: Do they avoid topics that aren’t all sunshine and flowers, do they keep taking about history like they used to and get flagged for it, or do they dance around it.
So now we live in a world where people say things like, “Epstein was a serial grapist PDF whose life subscription was cancelled while he was in prison and —while the official story is that he self-exiteded — many people believe he was unalived per the orders of one of his many powerful accomplices.“
This kind of talk isn’t considered helpful or kind to anyone but the platforms that want ad money.
machagogo@reddit
No.
AMissionFromDog@reddit
People have been saying passed instead of died die as long as I can remember, mostly when they are discussing people close to them and a recent event. Like it's NBD to say John died in 2007, but if someone is talking about their grandmother yesterday, then you try to be a bit more gentle with your language.
WritPositWrit@reddit
This is hardly a new thing. Over 100 years ago many people said “passed” instead of “died.” It’s personal preference, there’s nothing anyone “must” say, and it’s not a new change.
Zealousideal_Cod5214@reddit
No. Some people may be less comfortable saying it, but it's not unacceptable. I know more older people who will say "passed" than any other generation.
Medical_Conclusion@reddit
This is not new. I'm 40, and it's been common to refer to death as passing or various other euphemisms my entire life.
o93mink@reddit
It’d still be common if you were 400. Hamlet referred to death as “shuffling off this mortal coil” in 1599.
grayjelly212@reddit
On social media, using words like "dead" or "kill" are less popular. Sometimes this is because of policing by the platform though increasingly it is due to self-policing: posts and videos that use the words (and others, like suicide or genocide) directly may be unmonetizable and hidden from general public view.
I am TROUBLED by the thought that somehow that's bleeding into regular speech? You can still say kill dead suicide etc. There is no reason other than social media why these words would be less acceptable. Anyone that says so spends too much time adhering to (and watching videos that adhere to) the strict rules set up by modern social media. I'm beating around the bush but it's mostly TikTok.
We are not yet controlled by ad-sensitive AI lol let's all just speak normally.
EggieRowe@reddit
Those words trigger the censorship bots.
ngshafer@reddit
For some reason, it seems certain social media sites censor those words, and I personally think it’s a bit silly.
katiegaga87@reddit
I think it's more on social media than anything. You can watch a video on YouTube about horrible parents abusing their children or serial killers, including crime scene photos, but you can't actually say the word abuse or kill/murder/die, etc. It's so dumb
SoftLast243@reddit
Internet censorship.
katiegaga87@reddit
Yeah, I get that but the fact that the same video that can talk in detail about a murder and show crime scene photos but can't actually say the word murder is an issue. How is saying kill more offensive than showing the blood soaked clothing at a crime scene?
oswin13@reddit
Recently I've seen several instances of people using "transitioned" (as in from life to death) and I was very, VERY confused.
SabreLee61@reddit
Try 600 years.
Yeegis@reddit
Passing has been a pretty normal term for death for decades.
The whole newspeak censorship stuff like unalive, graped, etc. is from bad parents thinking they should be able to use TikTok as a babysitter
MmmIceCreamSoBAD@reddit
Im 40 and its been like this my whole life. I think 'died' is acceptable, or 'death'. 'Dead' seems a bit blunt, like' Oh I heard your dad is dead, I'm sorry'
But yeah people use these other terms as a way of blunting the edge a bit.
Ryebread095@reddit
It's two issues. First, people have always had a weird thing about death. Look up the origins of Persephone in Greek Mythology. Before she was goddess of spring and Hades wife, she was goddess of the underworld and the dead. Her worshipers wouldn't even speak her name outside of certain rituals for fear of accidentally summoning her.
More recently, you may have seen people saying things like "unaliving" instead of "killing". This is from social media and advertiser censorship. Creators on apps like Tic Tok and YouTube started avoiding using direct terms like suicide and killed to avoid getting their videos demonetized. This was taken in by their audiences, so now people who consume a lot of online media are more likely to say the safest phrases when talking about death.
Maleficent-Hawk-318@reddit
Maybe on Tiktok.
In the real world, no.
keIIzzz@reddit
No, I don’t know where your relative got that from
Manatee369@reddit
It’s always been personal preference. Death, dead, died….all just fine.
LuckAffectionate8664@reddit
I’m saying dead because I know dead people, and none of them have told me it’s offensive
KellyAnn3106@reddit
The line from The Sixth Sense just doesn't work as "i see unalive people."
BouncingSphinx@reddit
This is not new, saying someone passed away has always been a gentler way to say it.
No, not always, but again see my first reply.
A lot of the disuse and censoring of the words death, dying, etc. online mostly from advertiser restrictions on content creators where content using those words or topics is not as advertiser-friendly. Creators started getting around this by “de@th” or similar in subtitles or by using their own made-up words like “unaliving.”
peter303_@reddit
Northern Chinese has fewer syllables than some languages, so there are a lot of homonyms. So using words that that sound like death, e.g. the word for four, are avoided in some situations.
Ravenclaw79@reddit
I kinda hate “passed,” myself. They died. There’s nothing wrong with saying that.
GeneralLoofah@reddit
I think that’s Tik Tok censorship leaking into regular life and it sucks.
Don’t listen to them.
SubstantialPressure3@reddit
No. It's not. It happens IRL in conversation all the time.
SubstantialPressure3@reddit
I honestly think that all the euphemisms are unhealthy. Particularly for children, who are having a hard time trying to understand death. When you step on a bug, that bug didn't "pass". That bug is dead. Kids see roadkill, kids experience loss just like adults do.
I deliberately use the words "death/died/dying". I've lost several beloved relatives, I've cared for people until their death, I've had many beloved pets die.
I just lost my nearly 17 year old cat, and had to explain it to the youngest grandchild.
She was very concerned when the little box of cremains came back. "Why is she in there? Why won't you let her out?"
I opened the little box and showed her what was in there. That's all that's left.
I didn't go into a detailed explanation of cremation, bc she isn't old enough. But she thought someone stuffed my love kitty into a tiny box and she was really disturbed about it.
And when someone asks me about a relative/pet/friend that's no longer around, and they ask "when did they pass?" I deliberately say "they died (about this date)" . Not to be jerk. But because words are important.
NemeanMiniLion@reddit
Passed implies through or to another place. It's a religious or cultural thing that exists to comfort people who are uncomfortable with death. Saying died or dead is perfectly fine but some folks may find it more blunt and the tone you use will matter more.
trinite0@reddit
The whole "unalive" thing just comes from trying to evade content filters on websites. It doesn't really have anything to do with an actual real-worldstigma about the words "die" and "kill," just online crap.
quiltingsarah@reddit
Passed and "no longer with us" are old ways of saying dead. Don't know why your younger relative is saying it's unacceptable. That was the mindset of my 90 year old grandmother who died/passed in the 1980's. She didn't like to think of death or anyone dying.
LateQuantity8009@reddit
I think it’s ridiculous, but I’m OK with “passed away”. But “passed” is just stupid.
No-Conversation9818@reddit
I prefer " kicked the bucket" or " bought the farm"
SoftLast243@reddit
I don’t think so, it’s just a sensitive topic as we all fear death at some point and you don’t want to offend someone who is grieving (different people handle grief differently and depending on the person and their relationship to the deceased, people may be very sensitive.)
vashtachordata@reddit
This is not new. There’s a hilarious episode of Roseanne from the 90’s that demonstrates this whole thing perfectly.
https://youtu.be/o0-QswAafVc?si=1FbfdFGGrSNaQ1Fk
Medical_Conclusion@reddit
I didn't even click on the link, and I can hear Jackie yelling, "Dad died! ...He's fine, he sends his love..."
No-Profession422@reddit
Not that I'm aware of.
Puukkot@reddit
“Passed away,” “passed” etc. are old euphemisms. Some people just don’t like to say someone died. I don’t like euphemisms as a rule, although if I needed to write a card, I’d be more likely to express condolences for their loss than to say “Sorry your mom died,” unless I was sending it to someone I know very well.
dangleicious13@reddit
No
xXCodfishXx@reddit
It is good to use euphemisms when talking to other people about their relatives or friends, but outside of that context it is completely appropriate just to say dead. If there is an accident or someone of importance died and it's in the news they will usually just say "john smith died today" or "5 people died in a train crash". It would evening be acceptable to use the word when talking about someones pet. It would be normal to say "I'm sorry your cat died", but it would be a little rude to say "I'm sorry your mom died."
YoshiandAims@reddit
No.
It's not so much culturally taboo...more taboo when you are online because the AI filters, and algorithms will flag certain words.
So you use alternative soft language not for the other people... as much as for the software.
In person, my region still says "My so and so died" "Don't disrespect the dead" "there's been a death in the family." Etc.
Fire_Mission@reddit
I think it's just become a thing because directly referring to death has resulted in censorship/warnings/bans on some online platforms.
WeathermanOnTheTown@reddit
I write books for people, and a client asked me to remove the words "bullet" and "kill", even though I'd used them metaphorically. Many such sensitive people!
Mairon12@reddit
There is a very conscious effort underway to downplay the finality of death by using words that are, well for lack of a better word, irreverent.
You would do well to call this out when you see it. Even though many people are doing it unwillingly, the spread of these terms is being accomplished nonetheless.
Rarewear_fan@reddit
I say unalived
ltsmash1200@reddit
I feel like using “passed” used to be much more popular than it is now and I would consider it more formal and polite than just “died.”
OhThrowed@reddit
Speaking lightly around death and dying has been around for a very long time.
Hot_Car6476@reddit
No. My dad died four years ago. His death was slow and somewhat sad. He is now dead. I can and do say all of that.
san_souci@reddit
It’s always been like that when talking to people close to those who died. It’s fine to use died/dead/death in unemotional conversations. The news does say “3 people passed away today in a head-on collision. They say three people died. But when talking to the loved ones, it’s common to use softer words.
tlonreddit@reddit
Not necessarily. I grew up in a very religious and Southern family so it was common to hear "X went home to be with the Lord" or some variation thereof in lieu of "they died"
Fireguy9641@reddit
I dont' think it's anything new. I've been to many viewings and never said "So sorry to hear John Doe died." It's always "Sorry for your loss" or some variation of loss or passing.
thatsad_guy@reddit
I have only seen this online.