Do you still consider your parents approval for certain things as an adult?
Posted by ks33eb@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 66 comments
Hey all.
22 year old living in Surrey.
Been wanting to get a CBT completed and buy a 125cc motorcycle as I; 1. enjoy motorcycles, and 2. would like to be on the road asap as car lessons + test will take around 4-6 months. Both of my parents completely disagree and are not ok with me getting a motorcycle no matter how fast or slow, for understandable reasons as motorcycles are obviously more dangerous.
As a 22 year old adult, I think I should be able to do as I please without guilt no matter how my parents feel about it, but I cant help feeling like I'm just disappointing them and not respecting them. I am very close with my entire family and do not want to harm any relationships in the process.
I have been talking about getting a motorcycle since I turned 19. I can understand their concerns but I think being able to commute independently and being able to have that extra freedom to travel anywhere at any time definitely justifies my decision.
This isn't a matter of trying to justify getting a CBT, its a matter of should I consider my parents opinion.
AndromedaFire@reddit
Firstly it may be time to sit down with them and talk about boundaries.
Secondly CBT and a 125 going into winter now isn’t great. You’re gonna spend probably 2k for the cbt, bike, PPE etc and you’re not gonna like riding in the cold.
Thirdly I know a couple people and myself that regret getting a manual 125 bike. It’s so low power that having it as a manual adds almost nothing other than constant gear changing to max out at 45mph. You’ll have a better time on a twist and go scooter, storage compartment, no fuss etc there’s a reason the million delivery drivers use them instead of manual 125s
Finally maybe explain to the parents you are desperate to get on the road and this is a stop gap due to costs. If they can help you close the cost gap then you’ll consider going to a car licence first. The safety aspect aside cars and bikes are totally different animals, cars are more than just transport, distance, weather, cargo, passengers etc all stop mattering with a car so the independence it gives is far greater.
ks33eb@reddit (OP)
Talking to them about boundaries would possibly be a way to start. But to them, understandably, I'm the irresponsible child, always messing about and not taking most thing seriously and I think it would be a shock to them to have that talk and in turn not take me seriously.
Reasonable-Tie-97@reddit
Ignore the bit about not getting a manual 125 if it is your intention to get a big bike later. I think it is essential experience. If you don't plan on getting a big bike licence, then yes, probably best to stick with a moped.
My 125 would do 65mph and 130mpg, so nonsense about the speeds.
The reason millions of delivery drivers use mopeds is that you never need to take a test, just resit your CBT every two years. I don't consider that a good thing.
lost_send_berries@reddit
You can't control their reactions and opinions, you can only control your own.
A heart to heart is good, but letting somebody else block you from doing what you want is not.
AndromedaFire@reddit
Trade 10 minutes of awkward to get it done
NERV-Miata@reddit
I would like a motorbike but I’d never get one because my mum would worry too much. Her peace of mind outweighs my desire for one.
goofymf893@reddit
As I’ve gotten older i’ve realised they’re the last people that i’d want to take advice from.
madame_ray_@reddit
My parents have rarely approved of my choices and trying to get it just makes me miserable, so I don't talk about what I don't want them to know.
Nice_Back_9977@reddit
When I was about 21 I rang my dad about a big (for me at the time!) purchase I was considering. He stopped me after I’d waffled on for a bit and said ‘you know you don’t need my permission, don’t you?’ And that stopped me right in my tracks, I’ve never felt like I needed their approval since and they don’t expect to have a say in my decisions either.
Any-Web-3347@reddit
You are an adult and must make decisions for yourself now. That doesn’t mean that you are being disrespectful or selfish, it means you are taking responsibility for your decisions and their consequences. Most parents would like to protect their children forever, it’s a very powerful instinct. But they can’t live your life for you, they must live their own lives. You need to be understanding and kind, but firm. Also, do try your best not to get squished on the road if you can possibly help it. Car drivers tend to be very bike-blind, you can’t trust them.
Abyssal-Starr@reddit
No, if it makes me happy and is not self-destructive then my parents should approve of it. If they don’t then that’s simply too bad, respect is a two-way street, if they cannot respect my choices as a fully grown adult then my respect in their opinion decreases considerably.
Considering you don’t want to damage your relationships I would suggest looking into protective gear and showing your parents, it’s possible that they’re more worried about your safety than actually against motorbikes.
Your only choice is to change their opinion by showing you can be responsible enough to make sure you’re driving responsibly
Jenkes_of_Wolverton@reddit
Their roof, their rules. That's the usual determination. Once you've moved out, you can explore new things more easily.
ks33eb@reddit (OP)
This would make sense and I would totally agree. But I am actually not living with either of my parents, I live nearby in a rental apartment
One_Pie_3825@reddit
I agree with "their house their rules" (to an extent of course!)
But you've moved out, so I would go for it!! I think as long as you can show you're responsible and careful, they'll get over it anyway. Go for it mate :)
Draigwyrdd@reddit
I don't really understand how or why that applies in this instance. He's not going to use the motorbike in their living room, is he?
onions_r_us@reddit
Yeah but he's gonna park it there presumably
ks33eb@reddit (OP)
Depends how I'm feeling /s
SuperlativeLTD@reddit
Are you living with your parents? Are they supporting you financially? If both these answers are no then you should discuss with them if you value their input. If you are living at home and/ or costing them a lot of money then they will likely have strong opinions…
Deep_Banana_6521@reddit
No. I don't think I ever did. I would only ask for their approval if I wanted their financial help and for the most part, that wasn't needed after the age of about 22.
My father would generally be in favour of anything that wasn't going to get me in any trouble or harm myself in any way but he passed away a few years ago.
My mother is generally not in favour of me doing anything other than licking the sole of her shoes, so I don't waste any time worrying about what she thinks.
Apidium@reddit
Ultimately they spent 18 of those 22 years keeping you alive. Not an ideal way to repay them keeping them up at night worried about scraping you off the road.
seklas1@reddit
I mean, it’s your life. I had to come out as gay to my parents, despite them not being absolutely dying in happiness. It’s fine. Just be safe and ride well. They won’t disown you for riding a motorcycle, most likely 🤷♂️
peppermint_aero@reddit
You can't control their feelings. You don't need their permission.
Whether or not you take their negative feelings as kind of lack of permission will depend entirely on your relationship with them.
Hairy-Commission-872@reddit
Not approvel but sometimes ask for opinions
ks33eb@reddit (OP)
What do you do when they *strongly* disagree and possibly get angry?
jennejy@reddit
My sister bought a motorbike recently. I hate that bike and I worry for her constantly (both of which I've told her) but she's an adult and she's free to do what she wants with her money.
I don't have to like her decision making, but she doesn't have to listen to me.
Life_Put1070@reddit
Fundamentally, if she's wearing her leathers (or similar proper protective gear beyond a helmet) she has to live her life.
You might tacitly suggest advanced driver training to her.
jennejy@reddit
She's in Australia where the testing requirements for bikes are apparently fairly high. I'm less concerned about her being sensible - I know she will be - and more concerned about every twat in her state with a pickup truck. As you say, she has to make her own choices, but I don't have to like them!
quarky_uk@reddit
Remind them you are an adult.
My daughter does stuff I don't like, but she is 20, so old enough to make her own decisions (including legally). I politely tell her if I don't like those decisions, but I will also tell her that she is old enough to make her own decisions, so while I may not like it, I respect it.
I would rather she knows she can come and talk to me about things, rather than think I am going to treat her like a child. Tell your parents that if they treat you like a child, you just won't share those parts of your life.
stevecrox0914@reddit
You evaluate why they feel that way and use it to inform your choice.
Their objection will be because motorcycles are "dangerous".
As someone who's primary modenof transport has been motorcyles for 20+ years, I can tell you the statistics are almost entirely 16 year olds being stupid on scooters (normally racing them around) and men suffering a mid life crisis and using the old direct access test to jump on way too much bike and then driving it like a car.
Car drivers are passive, they largely don't think or observe and get away with it due to the giant protective box they are in. Motorcyclists must be activel drivers, what will i do if that car switches lanes, what is the conditon of the road, etc..
There are outliers, I once saw my youngest sister on a scooter crash into a bus, because she was correct as per the highway code and so the bus should have given way because she was in the right. The second time that happened I might have run off with her scooter keys while my dad paid for car lessons.
Hairy-Commission-872@reddit
Do what I think is best and enjoy myself
Life_Put1070@reddit
I certainly seek their advice occaisionally, but I don't care about their permission. You're an adult. You need to live your own life, and you can't do that if you only ever do what mum and dad approve of.
RevanREK@reddit
Yes and no. Yes consider their opinion, and potentially compromise, but don’t let them make all the decisions for you. This is a skill you have to learn throughout your life, you will use it if you live with a partner, a relationship, marriage ect. We should always be willing to listen to other people’s opinions and find ways to compromise, while not letting others rule our lives, it’s a fine and delicate balance. Remember your parent’s opinions right now are coming from a place of concern for you and your safety, because they care deeply about you.
I also got a 125 at 21 because of necessity for travel, convenience and price rather than learning to drive. Do everything you can to take riding safely, seriously. Get the gear, not flimsy ‘fashionable stuff’ but decent gear with the body armour. on a bike you don’t have a protective bubble, if you come off, it will literally be your skin scraping along the ground, so put as much as possible between your skin and the road. Buy the Highway Code and read all of it! Yes it’s not mandatory for a CBT, but it’s super important to be fully aware of what you need to be doing when riding, because if you’re unsure, you are a danger to yourself. Once you’ve read the Highway Code, expect every other road user to not follow it but do unpredictable things so give every other vehicle the respect it deserves because frankly, if you come into contact with another vehicle, you will be the one getting killed. Wear a high vis, yes it’s not ‘cool’ but doing everything you can to make yourself more visible while you’re new because it could be the difference between life and death. Get a decent lock. Learn the basic maintenance. And don’t ever jump on it while under the influence/ not geared up, not even to pop to the shops. Be honest with yourself, if you don’t trust yourself to be able to follow this then just don’t do it.
Also have you thought about the weather? Bikes are not possible to use all year round, even wet leaves on the road can cause you to slip, (I came off once because of this.) Do you have a travel plan for the months you can’t use it? Also you can’t really use it for weekly shopping, or moving anything bulky, or passengers ect. Plus there’s a lot more cost involved then just the CBT and the bike, all the gear is expensive and really adds up too, you need a decent lock, boots, gloves, trousers, jacket, helmet ect. And if you use it to visit anywhere, you can’t store these items (unless you buy a box) so you will be lugging it all around with you.
Having said all this, if you feel you’re mature enough then it’s super fun riding a motorbike and it will definitely give you some freedom. I finally learnt to drive a car at 30 and I feel it helped me massively to have motorcycle experience because I already had road awareness. Yes I had a few incidents on the bike, got soaked and froze my butt off at times but I don’t regret it one bit.
Weigh up the pros and cons and be completely honest with yourself, do you honestly, deep down, feel mature enough to take safety seriously?
OneRandomTeaDrinker@reddit
Yes to some extent but I’ve been working on it in therapy. The problem I have is more that I’ll get very worried about their reactions if my house isn’t spotless when they come visit but I also have an anxiety disorder, hence the therapy.
I have the same moral position on about 80% of things as my parents, so if they’re strongly against something it does tend to make me question why. But there are certain things I know they just disagree with for reasons unrelated to my actual wellbeing and with those things you just have to ignore what your parents think and make a decision on your own. Like my mum is really against tattoos and now I’m an adult with a house and a job, her opinion on tattoos is irrelevant to me.
The motorbike thing probably is motivated by a concern for your welfare but if you’ve evaluated the risk factors on their own merits and decided you’re comfortable with the risk, then that’s your business. If you’ve moved out of course. It’s not good to anger your parents whilst living with them unless you literally co-own the house. Don’t ask them, just inform them (or don’t). Don’t make a big deal about keeping it a secret but also don’t make a huge deal about telling them, just get on with it.
WitShortage@reddit
When you're a parent you have to transition away from looking after every aspect of your child's life as they get older. They learn their own lessons, and form their own views. It can be hard to let them go, but if you've done a good job of parenting them, then you can have confidence that they're approaching life sensibly.
OP, is this the only thing you're fighting with your parents about? You're 22, so they should have figured out that you're adult and independent and capable. They may be struggling with this transition. But they will never ever stop worrying about you. That worry should not be an attempt to take control though, and it is still up to you to make decisions for yourself. But respect that they're worrying about you because they don't want to see you come to harm.
I did my CBT at 38 years old and my Mum was very unhappy about it.
peterbparker86@reddit
I know this isn't the answer you're after but as a Nurse that's worked in Orthopaedics, and seen the trauma lists. I would 100% not get a bike.
But you're an adult and can make decisions for yourself. You can take your parents feelings into consideration but at the end of the day it's up to you.
anabsentfriend@reddit
I got a 125 scooter and it never occurred to me to discuss it with my mum. I moved out at 19 and cracked on.
buy_me_a_pint@reddit
Serious dating someone , still got to seek approval , got out one or two red flags I did not see
EfficientSomewhere17@reddit
Honestly no. I might ask for advice if I'm worried or unsure but ultimately if I feel it is best I do it
TSC-99@reddit
I’m 50 and there are still things I don’t do because my mother wouldn’t approve 🤣
-TheHumorousOne-@reddit
Do as you please and ffs please don't be one of those wankers who love to speed and weave through traffic like you have a death wish.
bowak@reddit
If you don't live with them then you are in no way disrespecting your parents by doing any normal action they disagree with.
If they feel disrespected or offended by it then that is their choice and their problem.
blainy-o@reddit
My parents weren't/aren't the best decision makers, so no. You're an adult, you do what you want.
Shawn_The_Sheep777@reddit
I think I stopped seeking their advice when I was about 13 and to be fair they never really offered me any after that.
Rootvegforrootbeer@reddit
If I needed my parents approval for everything in life I wouldn’t have kids, a husband or my own house. You don’t need anyone to tell you the risks or benefits to bikes but what I would encourage is for you to get a full license for cars, drive at rush hour in the city at winter and tell me how many of those motorbikes you don’t see or hear especially when it’s raining hard or you’re playing music/talking to a passenger.
Jlaw118@reddit
I did up until a few years ago. It got to a point where I was nervous to tell my mum and her partner that I’d handed my notice in at my job of six years, dreading their response. But I’ve spent most of my life under their control and realised I needed to get out of it.
Though I think in your case, they are just genuinely looking out for your safety, and if you are living under their roof then you would typically be more obliged to do as they say
HeartyBeast@reddit
You’ve said that their concerns about safety are reasonable.
It maybe that if you acknowledge this and say you’ll undertake https://www.gov.uk/enhanced-rider-scheme
They may be somewhat reassured
ZBD1949@reddit
It's all part of growing up.
From the other side , I've had some loud arguments recently with my daughter in support of something my 20 something grandson wants to do. Acceptance that your adult children are their own people is one of the most difficult milestones in life.
Crab-Turbulent@reddit
I don't speak to my parents (one is dead anyway) but I never needed their approval for anything since they treated me like an adult at age 15 and refused to look after me/only neglected me. Their opinion is certainly unnecessary in my case and I don't need permission for anything, they relinquished that right when they decided to either abandon me (my dad) or neglect/abuse me (my mum)
cgknight1@reddit
Not without the assistance of a necromancer.
Herne_KZN@reddit
I value my parents advice and know it come from a place of love and concern but I also know that that’s all it is, advice. This process you’re in of maturing and becoming a fully realised adult is a time of establishing your identity as a separate person within your family (and broader community). Part of that will include significant disagreements. The other part of it means coming to terms with the fact that they will struggle when you reject (or seem to reject) their advice; not letting that turn into a big emotional situation within yourself is part of the transition from teens to "proper" adulthood.
CongealedBeanKingdom@reddit
I stopped asking my parents for approval for certain things as soon as I started to feel unwelcome in their home. When I moved out at 17 I didn't need their approval so all good.
holytriplem@reddit
Parents' advice, sure. They have more experience with certain things than I do. But parents' approval, no.
If you find your parents difficult and controlling and can't say no, just remember the following:
lavayuki@reddit
Never. Im not close to my parents, so I never ask them much.
Sometimes I ask their opinion, but my mum is the type who is quite passive and agrees with everyone else, so she doesn’t really give own opinion. She will agree with everything to avoid conflict.
As for my dad, if it isn’t money related he isn’t interested. We clash on everything so I never ask him anything because it always end up in an argument. My dad will disagree with everything because he lives off arguing with others.
I mostly ask friends (or chat GPT) for advice these days. My parents are just too extreme and weird
PugeHenis_7@reddit
If anything I was still doing the opposite of what they said at that age.
Aggressive_Two2081@reddit
for sure, i like the fact that they allow me to take choices and make mistakes
PM_ME_VAPORWAVE@reddit
Yes. I live with them and am not completely independent so there’s not much way around it.
Equivalent_Ask_1416@reddit
When you're a young adult you're still attached to your childhood and teenager sensibilities, so asking certain things of your parents is understandable and something you should never feel ashamed of.
Proud_Record2467@reddit
sometimes I feel dumb and then someone mentions buying a motorcycle and I feel great
Dimac99@reddit
You can do what you please at your age, especially as you no longer live with your parents. You just have to decide what that's worth to you. It sounds like your parents will be upset but will they get over it or will it actively damage your relationship? They have valid reasons for being against it but they can't stop you either.
monmichka314@reddit
I stopped seeking my parents' approval when I was an old teen. I knew they both accepted me as the independent thinker and person that they brought me up to be. So they might not approve of every decision I made, but they ultimately knew that it was my decision to make and accepted me and my decision. I think there was a switch where I stopped seeking their approval and instead was just concerned if they are proud of me. My mom wanted me to get a degree, have a successful career, get married, and have her grand babies. I went on to get my Masters and have a successful career. No marriage. No children. Are my parents insanely proud of 48 year old me? Yes. Yes they are. I don't think that ever goes away however old you are.
That being said, I understand your parents' concern over a motorcycle. It is much more dangerous, and they don't want to lose their baby! So no, while it wouldn't be wrong for you to get that bike, please understand where they are coming from. Assure them that you will not dress for the ride, but dress for the slide, and follow through.
Good luck to you!
bbshdbbs02@reddit
I got one at 16 and my parents bought my first moped for me!. If I was an adult I’d get one without telling them.
PKblaze@reddit
Once I became an adult, even when living with my mum, I'd still not ask her permission for things. I may let her know whatever but ultimately we're very different people and I'm a bullheaded idiot so we both know it's a pointless endeavour for either of us.
KazuyaM1sh1ma@reddit
Absolutely not
AltAccount261@reddit
I don't really know if it's approval but I value their advice and input
Faded_Jem@reddit
I wasted my twenties trying not to be "one of those" young progressive/LGBT people who ran away and cut everyone off over differences of opinion. Desperate not to be written off as unstable or unreasonable, to fit in with my rural community and be accepted.
I'm now thirty and finally free - all I got for my trouble was years of precious life wasted trying to please people who didn't want to be pleased. I've finally done what I always should have, moved on and started building a new life for myself surrounded by people who love and support me. One very small part of that happens to be working on getting my bike license, which they would have HATED.
Once you are an adult, parents should be sources of advice and wisdom, people you can turn to with your problems and who want to share their experiences and life lessons with you. They should not be sources of authority on anything, they should not believe that their advice is an instruction, that their wisdom will be accepted as gospel truth or that they can dictate how we approach challenges in our lives. You need to start breaking their assumption that you are still under their authority. Some parents can never accept that and that's tragic but in that case you have a simple choice between wasting years trying to work with them or drawing a line and moving on.
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