What is your favourite quote or saying from a British TV programme?
Posted by throwaway_ink00@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 237 comments
I've used "HELLO DAVE!" from The League of Gentlemen far too many times.
What's yours?
Smart_Comedian_4123@reddit
“Hello Stephen, it’s clem fandango can you hear me?”
swapacoinforafish@reddit
Bloody Hell Ken
Lishmi@reddit
I used to like that show, and I still enjoy the stories. But the host annoys me more and more. He says that to everyone now (bloody hell Jane. Bloody hell Keith, etc) like he's trying to make it a catch phrase. It's become more of a panto when he's talking.
swapacoinforafish@reddit
The Host? Which show are you referring to?
Lishmi@reddit
Oh- BBC radio show "uncanny". Sure he says "bloody hell insert name" a lot. Sorry I got mixed up! What were you referring to?
swapacoinforafish@reddit
Early Doors!
Ok-Philosopher-5934@reddit
Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast
Zerly@reddit
What a guy
Ok-Philosopher-5934@reddit
Indeed
absolutelyshafted84@reddit
Stoke me a slipper , I'll be back for Christmas
Zerly@reddit
Fuckity-bye!
Spirited_Gur_8928@reddit
You were lucky.
ComeinHarmony@reddit
You put Basil in the Ratatouille?!
leather_in_soul@reddit
Fawlty Towers! Brilliant line!
Sad_Conclusion_7859@reddit
“My God Miss Jones!” from Rising Damp
Swimming_Link_1034@reddit
Not really relevant though, is it?
WhyN0tToast@reddit
They're all dead Dave!!
As the answer to any questions from my daughter when I've already answered her question, no matter how she phrases it!
ChipCob1@reddit
So what is it?
RareBrit@reddit
Fizzy good make feel nice.
ChipCob1@reddit
My own son...
CouchKakapo@reddit
I ate all your bees!
Competitive-Fact-820@reddit
We say this when we need to buy painkillers - not usually alka seltzer but hey ho.
Filth Wizard gets regular airings
For some reason Jam, Jam, Jam, Jam, JAM as well - but randomly and unrelated to comestible preserves.
ChipCob1@reddit
Thanks ants.....thants
YarnChickenLittle@reddit
"Skip to the end"
ChipCob1@reddit
'I walked in on myself' is one that I use a lot.
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Now, I had to google this one.
Should I watch Spaced?
YarnChickenLittle@reddit
It's very late 90s/early 00s but I think it still holds up well. Full of nerdy pop culture references, that are very well done.
If you're a fan of Shaun of The Dead/Hot Fuzz I would definitely give it a go.
JontysCorner@reddit
Especially when Shain of the Dead literally came from a 2 minute opening sequence to a Spaced episode.
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Looks like my night shift viewing is sorted. Definitely a fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
spoo4brains@reddit
Absolutely, it is awesome!
spoo4brains@reddit
I wish I could use that in general conversation, but Spaced is criminally unknown by a wider audience.
Cheezelover99@reddit
I was very, merry drunk
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast
BrightPinkSea@reddit
"It's the drama Mick, I just love it!"
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
"I'll be known as 3 steaks Pam!"
Dead_Ghost@reddit
"Tasty bit of squirrel", "shalom, Jackie" and "crimble crumble" are regulars in my house.
Also "Armadillos, Crunchy on the outside soft on the in"
GinBitch@reddit
Shit on it
GinBitch@reddit
Shit on it
em1th@reddit
“You’re not my mother” “yes I am!”
GinBitch@reddit
Muvva!
Neddlings55@reddit
Mine are from LOG too.
When the D of E kids walk along the footpath near my garden, i always say to my dog 'Children Edward. Children'.
We describe a certain village in the area as Royston Vasey (even the community page on FB wont allow anyone on it that doesnt actually live in the village, nor can any business or event be recommended if they arent based there) - every time we drive through its 'this is a local shop for local people, we'll have no trouble here'.
JontysCorner@reddit
If I'm ever shown a map for whatever reason I can't stop myself just going "LINES AND LINES AND LINES!"
Competitive-Fact-820@reddit
You did it beautifully Tubbs
My insides are all wrong
davus_maximus@reddit
"We also carry UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite."
Lishmi@reddit
Bizarrely, we walked by the UHT yesterday and my other half quoted this. Otherwise I would never have recognised where it was from!
Dailymailflagshagger@reddit
Sygga@reddit
Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
He is barmy
So's his army
Whistle while you work
TotallyTapping@reddit
I think it's "Hitler is a twerp, he's half barmy," if I remember correctly (from watching the original airing- yes I'm that old!😆). Jerk is a more American word, twerp is british and definitely more commonly used in the 60's/70's when Dad's Army was made.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
I always thought it was “berk”. Very unlikely to be “jerk” though, you’re right that it’s too American.
sweetlambly@reddit
There was an episode of Celebrity Mastermind with Ian Lavender and Rick Wakeman.
When John Humphreys asked Ian his name, Wakeman shouted out "Don't tell 'im, Pike!"
Bloody brilliant
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Pike!
DontTellHimPike@reddit
Hi
Weird-Statistician@reddit
Your name will go in ze book
cupidstunt01@reddit
Don't tell him, Pike!
RicochetRabidUK@reddit
"Good moaning. I was just pissing by..."
HistoricalPickle@reddit
He’s not going to sell much ice cream at that speed.
RicochetRabidUK@reddit
I watched that bloody advert a hundred times during Lockdown Christmas, and I swear I laughed every time. Morecambe's timing was flawless.
Historical-Car5553@reddit
"Oh dear. How sad. Never mind."
Historical-Car5553@reddit
“You might very well think that; I couldn't possibly comment" - Francis Urquhart, House of Cards.
Odd-News-9749@reddit
Can you hear me now? I know who ya are, who are ya?! Sweet Mary Jesus and the orphans
Jinx-Put-6043@reddit
Nice beaver.
Thanks, I stuffed it myself.
decliningwinter@reddit
"Well you Cant make an Omelette without breaking wind."
Nope_Ninja-451@reddit
“Down with this sort of thing” “Careful now”
“They’re all dead Dave”
“Not you Lynne”
“Smell my cheese”
“Oh right, so now we’re working, it’s not ok for me to smoke a little crack?”
Djinjja-Ninja@reddit
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.
Nope_Ninja-451@reddit
I stand corrected, fellow ninja. Thank you.
Pharmacy_Duck@reddit
“Aha!”
lady-beccington@reddit
Alan: What? Really? Tony Hayers is dead Lynn: Yessss!
Time-Mode-9@reddit
When I want your advice I'll give you v the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the mental health act.
Why don't you make like a tree, and fuck off
upsidedowncreature@reddit
I like sponge. They won’t let me eat anything sharp.
Alexei Sayle
Time-Mode-9@reddit
I always wanted to have more money then sense. I've got £4.50, so I'm well on the way!
rhay212@reddit
“SHIT ON IT!!”
Turbulent_Elk_2141@reddit
Nice to see you to see you nice.
I don't really like it but made me smile when I heard people saying it
Turbulent_Elk_2141@reddit
Shut that door!
Dudleydacat@reddit
“Here’s one I made earlier”
“Think once, Think twice, Think don’t drive your car on the pavement”
“I have a cunning plan”
“When I found Gerald, he was completely wild.” “Wild?!? I was absolutely livid”
“Only me!”
“Young man! At my age! At your age!”
“I’m a lady”
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Harry Enfield and Chums making an appearance, honestly thought it would have happened sooner.
Dudleydacat@reddit
“Now I don’t think you wanted to do that”
MirSydney@reddit
I see your "I'm a lady" and raise you "Yeah, I know"
Dudleydacat@reddit
I see your “Yeah, I know” and call you with, “Eh Eh Ehaaaaay”
instantklarna@reddit
Give me the blandest thing on the menu. Jam-ez is my mate.
thegmanza@reddit
Gid moaning
Robotadept@reddit
“ go on guess” or “YES IT IS “ both from Cathrine Tate
Temporary_Resort_579@reddit
Up with this I will not put!
Bernard Black says so many things I love, but thisnone stands out.
the_ice_rasta@reddit
“People, what a bunch of bastards!”
superflick_x@reddit
For some reason I always have to say it in the Irish accent too.
No_transistory@reddit
There was a little man
Melodic-Mix4353@reddit
This week I have been mostly eating Taramasalata.
RealRefrigerator3129@reddit
"Back aff, ya spooky bitch!"- Still Game
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Up there with, "Gis ma stick ya prick!"
DosneyProncess@reddit
"I was very drunk"
ConsciouslyIncomplet@reddit
‘4 nans Jeremy?’
Kistelek@reddit
“Scorchio!” Particularly in the current climate.
oynsy@reddit
…I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.
Kistelek@reddit
Which was nice.
Jolly-Minimum-6641@reddit
I'm not pissed you know!
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
We need more Paul Whitehouse.
oynsy@reddit
He's BRILLIANT
Demojunky173@reddit
You were gun running in the middle of a civil war? Well that’s the best time to do it Rodney.
hoverside@reddit
You ready, Mike?
I was born ready, Timmy.
Yeah, but are you ready now?
Uhh... yeah
DavidJonnsJewellery@reddit
"Last night was an A1, tip-top, clubbing jam fair." Tyres was terrific
benjaminchang1@reddit
Spaced was amazing.
hoverside@reddit
It really is. When it was first on TV I was too young to get most of it, flatmates, awkward non/romantic relationships and big nights out were all several years away, but I still thought it was absolutely hilarious.
benjaminchang1@reddit
I wasn't even born when it originally aired, but I started watching it at 13 and loved it.
hoverside@reddit
And "This is the last thing we wanted to happen"
Hot-Algae1324@reddit
“I came here to drink milk and kick ass. and I’ve just finished my milk.”
DavidJonnsJewellery@reddit
"This a RELATIONSHIP!" Usually, in that stupid Mike Berry voice
mikeossy80@reddit
"FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!°
Leicsbob@reddit
Leg disabled. Tbh there are so many great lines.
Fat_Bottomed_Redhead@reddit
I rewatched the whole series recently and that episode just ended me. I was crying and could barely breathe with laughing so hard, my Dad even knocked on my door to check I was ok 'cos he thought I was sobbing.
PsychologicalDrone@reddit
"Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba."
dillwavy@reddit
“Fuck this - I’m going for a twix”
EmbalmedCoconut@reddit
To me
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
To you.
EmbalmedCoconut@reddit
Passed the assignment with flying colours
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
It's been a privilege and an honour.
CR1SBO@reddit
Ohhhh dear
Oh Dear oh dear
colin_staples@reddit
It should be on the citizenship test
Cumulus-Crafts@reddit
My brain goes "I can I can't?" any time I have a can of coke
Antergaton@reddit
My favourite is "This week I 'ab been mostly..." then an verb and thing.
Next to "... which was nice."
BigAlpaca3643@reddit
“They say of the acropolis, where the Parthenon is!” 🤣
NafariousJabberWooki@reddit
Their dead, Dave.
PurrPaul@reddit
We didn't burn him!
brightonbloke@reddit
SAND-WICHES!
Low-Confidence-1401@reddit
One of the contestants on the apprentice once said, "The world is as big as our oyster," which I still use a lot, maybe 10 years on
_oh_for_fox_sake_@reddit
Just lately "The political equivalent of the house red at a suburban Indian restaurant " has been pretty prevalent in my thinking, if not my speech.
cognitiveglitch@reddit
I'm not sure the younger generation will understand what a double Polaroid is.
Loose-Opposite7820@reddit
Villain: "To be or not to be" Hamish Macbeth: "That would be Constable Hamlet, next village over"
Speesh-Reads@reddit
Language Timothy!
Munchkinpea@reddit
I used this.
My 25 year-old stepson uses this too, but has never heard of Sorry!
spacecay0te@reddit
“Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God, life’s relentless.”
swapacoinforafish@reddit
Brown for first course, white for pudding.
swapacoinforafish@reddit
"Come and get your black bin bags"
Meat2480@reddit
Let's get out there and Twat it
Particular-Ad8831@reddit
Many things from only fools and horses :
Drink up Trig, we're leaving Now brace ya'self Rodney, brace ya'self You plonker bonnet de douche Mangetout, mangetout
BigTimeSuperhero96@reddit
Alright Dave!!
All-Hail-The-Ale@reddit
Such a quotable programme too!
Worldly_Let6134@reddit
Gary!
It was oft quoted amongst my friends at uni.
TyrannicHalfFey@reddit
I like “no way Pedro!”
pinkdaisylemon@reddit
Just came here to say this! Love OFAH!
growingdaffodil@reddit
Aren’t [insert object here]s brilliant?
My favourite - “aren’t holes brilliaaaaaaaaaaa…” as the young man falls into a hole.
UsuallyAnnoying324@reddit
"Oh dear, how sad, nevermind!
ElenaDellaLuna@reddit
what's this sweetie darling?
stebotch@reddit
This is a dead parrot
ElenaDellaLuna@reddit
He's not dead. He's pining
MattDubh@reddit
It has ceased to be.
swallowyoursadness@reddit
You have to wear a big glove, so you can get your arm right up 'er
Competitive-Fact-820@reddit
What's your position on sandwiches?
Leluke123@reddit
DING DONG! super niche, but if you know, you know.
Speesh-Reads@reddit
Leslie Philips?
louse_yer_pints@reddit
There's nobody here but us chickens.
Worldly_Let6134@reddit
I think this might be a paraphrase from a Jim Henson thing - the tale of the bunny picnic. The line was there's nobody here but us bunnies.
russdaddy72@reddit
This is from Nightingales
Competitive-Fact-820@reddit
Woefully underrated comedy
Grouchy_Self_3122@reddit
Shit on it!
sgtgerryboyle@reddit
Mmmh a lovely bit of squirrel
aardvarkhome@reddit
Set the controls for West Wallaby Street. (While fiddling with the SatNav)
Cheeses
Oh, it's you!
Garth-Vega@reddit
How hard can it be? JC top gear
VHS_Pulsewave@reddit
Anything Gene Hunt says
allywillow@reddit
and it’s 1973. Almost dinner time. I’m ‘avin’ ‘oops
FraggleGoddess@reddit
On the rare occasion I have tinned spaghetti products... "I'm 'having 'oops"
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Fire up the quattro.
RPG_Rob@reddit
You're surrounded by armed bastards!
LairyDinlo@reddit
Hellooo Jackie
Cassidy-Conway@reddit
Mock the Week has some brilliant ones, my personal favourite was Ed Byrne on the topic "Unlikely lines from a romantic novel" or something like that:
"I want you to sh*t in this bin."
celtsno1@reddit
Scorchio
Cassidy-Conway@reddit
My Mum would say this frequently. I only found the original clip a few days ago.
centzon400@reddit
Some lad said "that's numberwang!" to me a week or so ago after I gave him my phone number. Made me chuckle, which in turn made him chuckle.
It's so great when complete strangers get the other's joke/reference!
To OP's question: I quote Blackadder a lot.. so many good lines that I can't even name my favourite
melijoray@reddit
Don't move. You're surrounded by armed bastards.
cupidstunt01@reddit
Good Moaning
All-Hail-The-Ale@reddit
I dont believe it!
Victor Meldrew
PsychologicalDrone@reddit
“Just cut it in half, then it’s only half the calories! So you can have twice as much!”
BaronSamedys@reddit
You rancorous coiffured old sow.
stopshopbop@reddit
“Difficult difficult, lemon difficult”
(I think it’s from the movie but still, it’s in the spirit of the show!)
No_Priority_1839@reddit
No thanks I don’t want to be part of your sex festival
Screaming_lambs@reddit
"don't forget to wash your sheets... And your penis"
Able_While_974@reddit
I love cinnamon
PurrPaul@reddit
My, what a smashing blouse you have on.
prustage@reddit
I've started so I'll finish.
Choccybizzle@reddit
Winersh
y0dav3@reddit
Whenever anyone quotes a string of numbers at work I have to tell them
"That's numberwang!"
crumblingruin@reddit
Lemon curry?
You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes.
Oooh, he was GAWWWW-juss!
JSF--10@reddit
“Smeghead”
“Suits you sir”
“You’re about as edgy as a satsuma”
“Smashing blouse”
Inner_Farmer_4554@reddit
Garth Merenghi : We made love all night in every way possible. Girl on top, doggy and normal.
Dinnerladies: Pregnant? Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.
helper-monkey@reddit
That’s Numberwang!
CaptainPerhaps@reddit
A) Bollocks. And B)… well I don’t need a B as the A was so great.
Badbadgolfer@reddit
Anything from Life on Mars.
AmbientApe@reddit
How did you get so much custard out of such a small car?
musikigai@reddit
“Call me mister picky” is one of my faves
Brilliant-Figure-149@reddit
I like that. Where's it from?
AmbientApe@reddit
Black Adder Goes Forth. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Cook_(Blackadder)
PitBullCH@reddit
“You may very well believe that, I couldn’t possibly comment.”
Francis Urquhart, House of Cards.
SamHainLoomis13@reddit
I thought he said "you might very well think that..."
spanglychicken@reddit
“What a sad little life, Jane”
MattGSJ@reddit
Skip to the end.
Boroboy72@reddit
"Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself."
londonbluesox@reddit
Youuu bummmmmderrrrrr
No_Cut5297@reddit
"Fire up the quattro" whenever I'm turning anything on.
benjaminchang1@reddit
Ashes to Ashes was brilliant.
ChelseaGem@reddit
Coffee machines are the future, Lynn. Kettles are saaad!
Maleficent_Laugh_125@reddit
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.
ResplendentBear@reddit
"What are the chances of that happening"
"Which was nice"
"You stupid woman"
"He's madder than Mad Jack McMad"
Worldly_Let6134@reddit
Listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once.
Brilliant-Figure-149@reddit
I used that last Blackadder one about my son today.
Relativity-speaking@reddit
So he’s not as cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed professor of cunning at Oxford university?
MattDubh@reddit
I'd like to buy a gramophone, please.
There's only one way to get rid of a mole.
Atlantis3311@reddit
I knew I was special - that’s why I never got a shag.
RPG_Rob@reddit
Have you got someone who looks after you?
Worldly_Let6134@reddit
I am just off to indulge in my favourite hobby of a spot of bus surfing.
Atlantis3311@reddit
Gasman!
RPG_Rob@reddit
Let's have a steaming cold cup of tea.
AlternativePrior9559@reddit
Cushty
DavidJonnsJewellery@reddit
"Friend. Football friend." The Inbetweeners
"A bit stabby." People Just Do Nothing
"We can be together... but not in a gay way." Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere
FraggleGoddess@reddit
My spouse and I quote so many it's ridiculous, everything from Two Ronnies to Taskmaster via various sketch shows.
Our most used are probably: "That's Numberwang" and "Now we know" from Mitchell + Webb; "Got a bad feeling about dis" from Boosh; and various Taskmaster like "No way!", "Bastard's crying innit", "Wait, what?" and "Have I met these potatoes before?"
NegKDRatio@reddit
I THINK THERE’S BEEN A RAPE UP THERE!
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Absolute comedy gold!
DforDamager@reddit
Shut it, Love Actually,........do you want me hole punch your face ?
We didn't burn him
lapsedPacifist5@reddit
My now ex wife is American and loved the League of Gentlemen, after we were pronounced husband and wife, she turned to me and said ”you're my wife now, Dave"
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Perfect timing!
AggravatingOne3960@reddit
Look what you've done. Now we have to stand in the tea chest!
Wide_Parsley7585@reddit
“What a Plonker”
“Alright Dave”
“During the War”
“You stupid Tart”
cloche_du_fromage@reddit
Do you like the films of Jude Law?
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Phoneshop was underrated.
bakedNdelicious@reddit
“My wife needs to use your toilet, Dave”
crow-magnon-69@reddit
McGlashan sketch from Absolutely https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6yXTAZKoyE
the last bit of the intro...
"Right. Be polite. You want him to buy your stuff. Be courteous, be kind. Remember the golden rule of selling. Do not resort to violence!"
One of my favourite sketches of all time. Timing is impeccable, especially where he drops the scripts on the desk.
Tetslou@reddit
"Good point, well made Bar-Bera"
kittysparkled@reddit
Don't worry, it's all part of growing up and being British.
(It's from Monty Python but one of the audio recordings so cheating a little bit.)
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
It's MP so it's more than allowed.
Westminster506@reddit
And now for something completely different.
GreenDolphinGal@reddit
“What a sad little life, Jane” from Come Dine With Me
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
All time classic.
"You have all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on."
RianJohnsonIsAFool@reddit
I have a cunning plan.
tweaked9107@reddit
Bus wanker!
LiorahLights@reddit
"People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis, you can’t trust people." is the one I use most often.
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
Super Hans, the gift that keeps giving.
LiorahLights@reddit
This crack is really moreish.
throwaway_ink00@reddit (OP)
I've also used that more than I should.
I don't do crack.
RPG_Rob@reddit
The secret ingredient is crime
Pharmacy_Duck@reddit
“All the information is on the task”
CityOfNorden@reddit
"Thicker than a boxing day turd" - Early Doors.