What should I say to my uncle who keeps telling me I’ve gained weight?

Depending on how far you wanna take it, you can try any of these. 1. "You know, they ruined a perfectly good bum when they put teeth in your mouth." 2. "Everywhere I look on line, I see stories about "uncles" getting arrested for touching kids. Now Im not saying you touch kids, but if someone told me you touch kids... Id believe them." 3. "Youre wife still wants to fuck me, so even with the extra timber, Im still better prospect for an orgasm than you are." 4. "Im having trouble hearing you, so could you just shut up." 5. "When I sat down, I couldnt believe it. I thought James Corden had come round for Christmas dinner like in one of those tv specials, ya know? But that hed had a stroke and crashed the car on the way here. Then I realised it was just you.". 6. "I dropped a tesco ready meal lasagne on the floor the other night, and instantly thought of you." 7. "At the Lawrence Berkeley institute in California, they have a microscope so powerful, that it allows scientists to see 3D models of the atom and do research on nanotechnology. If you were to use that microscope right now, you still wouldnt be able to find any of the fucks I have for your opinion." 8. "Your pussy is way too dry to be riding me this hard." 9. "Im not saying youre ugly, but your face is like a hate crime against sighted people." 10. "Last year, granddad took me fishing like he did every year since I was a wee boy. And I told him how much I hated you. But he said I shouldnt, cos without you he might have molested me on one of these fishing trips. He told me that years ago, he discovered that he was paedophile. And that he fought really hard against his urges. He got married, thinking that would cure him of it. But it didnt. And when he found out that she was pregnant, he got really worried that he couldnt be left alone with his kid. But then, you were born and as he held you in arms, and looked down at your face, he realized he was finally cured. Thats right uncle, you were so ugly as a child, you cured a guy of paedophilia.". Too much? lol