What do you think your partner won't know to do if you passed away?
Posted by Bethsticle@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 464 comments
Sat here watching TV after having a tidy up, cleaned the kitchen sides, the toilet, put the washing machine on with cleaner in it, cleaned the washing machine drawer, tidied the fridge and gave it a clean. Pulled out the sofa and swept out the mislaid toys.
Currently watching something where the husband died, and the wife is struggling with all the financial stuff.
Got me wondering, what my husband wouldn't realise he needs To do, like some of the stuff I've done this evening.
I lost my sister last year, and her husband struggled man. He was the high flying business man, and she was a stay at home mum. He didn't know school dates, what day the bins went out etc. But that's how they were. He did the work, she dealt with everything. Thankfully he's found a good routine with family and friends and is doing so well.
So, what little things do you think your other half wouldn't think to do?
rjgfox@reddit
Considering yesterday evening, pair a smart plug with a phone app.
day__raccoon@reddit
This is just an indictment re: the mental load for women.
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
My male partner carries the heaviest mental loads. Let’s not generalise
day__raccoon@reddit
Check out the research on mental load :)
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
I’m not naive to the mental load women face, as a woman. However I think it’s a massive generalisation to assume all men are the same. It weakens our very valid arguments by being lazy via generalising, bias and schemas
day__raccoon@reddit
Okay, you can choose not to believe research, that’s your choice 🤷🏻♀️
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
Send me a link to your research please
day__raccoon@reddit
No PhD? As I said earlier, Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play has many, many well researched studies referenced, as does Darcy Lockman’s book All The Rage. As you’re such an erudite and well read person, I won’t take photos of every reference page for you, as I trust you’re used to doing your own research :)
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
Such an eloquent response, still, no link…
You must be fun on a date!
day__raccoon@reddit
… You want a link to books you can buy? You can’t google that yourself?
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
Enlighten me, what is it that you teach. Because I am learning nothing with your shite attitude.
day__raccoon@reddit
I’m reporting you now :)
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
Do you have any references?
day__raccoon@reddit
Sure, I’ve commented them loads of places in this thread. Enjoy :)
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
Passion for your opinion and subject doesn’t end with a few comments
redbullcat@reddit
As a man: We're not all this bad.
My wife is chronically ill so I do most of these things. Admittedly we do have cleaners come in because alongside a full time job, freelance work, and caring for my wife, it does get a bit much sometimes.
But yeah. Honest: we're not all bad at this stuff.
chicaneuk@reddit
I am dad. I work full time, I cook all the meals, do the shopping, do laundry, take the kids to school, pick the kids up from school, cook their meals, make my partner her lunch for work, I do all the bills, I fix our cars, i DIY. We aren't all useless tossers who fuck off and play golf on a weekend and leave the wife to run the house.
That said, I would really really like a break. I am TIRED.
Sigh_Bapanaada@reddit
What on earth is your partner doing? The way you've listed this all kinda makes HER sound like a useless tosser who fucks off and plays golf on a weekend leaving the husband to run the house....
Tiny_Brother8879@reddit
My mother in law was exactly this. Did fuck all apart from gossip and get her nails done.
dl064@reddit
Almost like it's not 100% gendered.
anotherMrLizard@reddit
Sounds like you're doing everything, which is just as bad.
MrBoggles123@reddit
Exactly this.
So very very tired.
day__raccoon@reddit
I don’t think I said anywhere that men are bad? In fact, I didn’t even mention men.
aredditusername69@reddit
I mean, it's massively implied.
day__raccoon@reddit
Whatever you like :)
pm_me_your_mole_rats@reddit
It's absolutely implied, if you weren't making it gendered you would've said that in many relationships the mental load is skewed heavily onto one partner.
meinnit99900@reddit
ok but it is a gendered issue, you being defensive doesn’t change the facts
pm_me_your_mole_rats@reddit
How is it gendered? Are there no men in that situation?
day__raccoon@reddit
Okay, enjoy the research I’ve mentioned in the other comments. Have a lovely day!
jtr99@reddit
But the whole concept of the mental load being disproportionately borne by women rests on the idea that many/most men don't pick up their half of that household burden.
I mean, that's OK, I think it's a sharp and true observation to note that women often carry this unfair burden. I'm not sure why you feel the need to back away from the implicit (and deserved!) criticism of men.
day__raccoon@reddit
I’m very aware of that. I just thought it was interesting projection when I didn’t even say the word men.
pm_me_your_mole_rats@reddit
It's kind of a shame this has to be said. Why when it's about men vs women are people allowed to make sweeping generalisations. If this was about race or sexual orientation the comment you're replying to would've gotten a far more negative reaction
ojmt999@reddit
No absolutely, I do my fair share. I despair when I find out how little my friends do
Impressive_Bed_287@reddit
The problem with "the mental load" is that the way is explained it's needlessly gendered.
From that comic you referenced, for example, "when a man expects his partner to ask him to do things he's viewing her as the manager of household chores ...".
There's no need for this to reference want specific gender whatsoever and the point will still be true.
"when one partner expects the other partner to ask them to do things they're viewing them as the manager of household chores".
Rather than making it about "men" why not make it about what it's actually about - relationship dynamics? Not every man/woman relationship will have these dynamics, sometimes the dynamics will be the opposite of the way it's being described in the cartoon and more often than not most relationships will have some areas where one partner bears the load and some areas where the other partner bears the load.
TBH I'd argue it's got nothing to do with viewing someone else as the manager and it's usually a mixture of social conditioning, obliviousness, laziness and entitlement. I don't really see the need to invent a theoretical managerial role - you don't it in order to explain perfectly reasonable exasperation or exhaustion caused by a lack of involvement on the part of one's partner.
day__raccoon@reddit
Because you’re entirely missing the point about how men and women are socialised. I would recommend some further reading on texts such as Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and All The Rage by Darcy Lockman if you don’t understand that part as it’s a key component to the concept of the mental load. In both books, there are lots of references to studies about how men and women are socialised that will help you understand this topic more.
LambonaHam@reddit
You're missing the issue here. Women aren't forced in to these roles, they choose them.
Any issue around socialisation is simply women having 'higher' standards.
day__raccoon@reddit
It’s okay to not understand things, but I recommend holding off in a conversation until you do.
LambonaHam@reddit
You should consider taking your own advice. It would help you in the long run.
day__raccoon@reddit
I mean, I work in a field where I do a lot of writing/talking and thinking about psychological process and gender, so I think my knowledge is fine. Thanks for the concern through!
Engineer__This@reddit
For someone who claims to work in a communication heavy role, you’re certainly not exercising those skills in this thread.
You’re just repeating “you don’t understand what the mental load is” and suggesting that people go away and read whole books before commenting.
I know I’m going to get downvoted for saying this - I have no issue with your opinions but from what I’ve seen, trying to converse with you with impossible. You’re coming across as very self important and condescending.
If you’re already knowledgeable, I’d suggest trying to help people to understand by summarising the key findings of these texts rather than telling people to simply go away.
day__raccoon@reddit
What an incredibly strange thing to say. Believe it or not, I’m not paid for my work on Reddit, and have absolutely no obligation to act in any professional capacity. It’s super interesting you feel the need to tone police me though… I wonder why that could be :) If pointing people towards sources isn’t enough, perhaps, one could argue, they have no desire to learn and may be commenting in bad faith 😉
Engineer__This@reddit
I don’t think it’s strange to suggest that your manner of communication isn’t conducive towards having a discussion on a discussion based thread.
Please enlighten me why you think I may have pointed this out.
day__raccoon@reddit
I don’t feed trolls, have a nice day!
LambonaHam@reddit
It's gendered because it's based on misandry.
Women aren't 'appointed' to a 'managerial' role, it's that they're bossy because they want everything to be done their way.
ElDinero87@reddit
Seriously
day__raccoon@reddit
Like… if this is your relationship dynamic, it’s a huge problem.
ElDinero87@reddit
'My husband doesn't know that he'd occasionally have to clean the toilet if I died' fucking hell. Marrying man babies
meinnit99900@reddit
“he doesn’t know the dryer has a filter!” kill me now if this is what marriage is for women fr
cregamon@reddit
Most men know that a dryer has a filter. In fact the vast majority do. Men aren’t stupid they are just wilfully ignorant sometimes.
day__raccoon@reddit
This is called weaponised incompetence :)
day__raccoon@reddit
I can’t blame women, we’re indoctrinated to be complicit in our own oppression. But like, also I would encourage OP or anyone who relates to this to research the mental load and stop engaging in behaviour that reinforces it, while telling their spouse to step their shit up.
ojmt999@reddit
I do feel like a lot of these comments are double standard. My wife has no idea how to change a light switch for instance.
day__raccoon@reddit
You don’t understand what the mental load is.
ojmt999@reddit
Oh you mean like I gotta fix my kids playground because it's wobbling I gotta fix his light because it's come loose Ive gotta mow the lawn and trim hedges I've gotta reconfigure all the smart lighting I've got to put new shelves up I've got to put everything back in the loft I've got to wash my car and my wife's car I've got reconfirm with hmrc childcare account and also set up to pay the nursery fees.
Please tell me how that's not mental load too?
day__raccoon@reddit
No, I mean things that need to happen multiple times a day, every day, that have no completion point. The books I’ve recommended in this thread will help you (and your wife) a lot :) have a lovely Sunday?
Engineer__This@reddit
Could you please give some examples at least instead of just recommending books to read?
I’m assuming it’s things like:
Walking the dog Making meals Tidying up/cleaning the house
Where would you say things related to household admin lie? Things that don’t necessarily need to be done daily but require you to be aware of needing to find new deals/contacting service providers; also household repairs and finding/dealing with tradespeople?
Ratiocinor@reddit
My girlfriend didn't know that cars needed to be regularly MOT'd and serviced, or the dates they were due, or even that they were 2 different things. Because I always took care of it
Was I indoctrinated to be complicit in my own oppression all along?
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
That's two tasks, once (or twoce if youre not booking them close together) a year. It's not the same as the daily household tasks and juggling everything all at once.
bourton-north@reddit
There frequency of the task does not dictate whether mental load exists or not.
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
True, but comparing two annual tasks to managing the majority of a household isn't an accurate comparison.
bourton-north@reddit
It’s not annual vs weekly, it’s all range of frequencies and scales and complexities. Mental Load just picks some low risk frequent tasks and ignores many others.
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
What's your point with this? How does this relate to the comment I responded to re: MOTs and indoctrination and my response?
bourton-north@reddit
When they assess what counts for mental load someone has to write a list of the tasks and challenges up who deals with what. The research has typically picked a select list of items that doesn’t fairly account for work that both sides of a marriage does. The researchers have started with an agenda as far as I can tell.
I’m not saying there isn’t frequently imbalance - there often is - it’s just that the accuracy of how it works is deeply flawed.
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
Oh really? I've never seen anything that only accounts for certain tasks and discounts others when they're talking about the mental load. It's more generally about the mental drain when theres an imbalance of who is dealing with the massive amount of life admin and labour you have to do to keep the home running. (So for example, keeping the car running might be part of that for one person but not another.)
bourton-north@reddit
Oh? Really? Perhaps you just scanned over it and didn’t pay too much attention.:
didn’t account for the fact that the men worked 3 times the number of hours in paid work
didn’t attribute mental load for any paid work at all
missed off all the long range planning like Retirement and “paying the mortgage” mental load
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
What's your point with this? How does this relate to the comment I responded to re: MOTs and indoctrination and my response?
day__raccoon@reddit
You don’t understand what the mental load is, and that’s okay. You’re welcome to look up more about it online :)
Two-Theories@reddit
Yeah, like it's not as if he's going to be doing or not doing any of this stuff if she died; he'd find a woman to do it for him whether paid, relative, or new squeeze
meinnit99900@reddit
my mum’s friend died and her husband moved a new partner in within 6 months
meinnit99900@reddit
honestly at some point I almost can because how can you type out that your husband does absolutely fucking nothing then be like but tee hee he’s great! it’s so funny he’s useless! women will never be free until we grow a ducking spine
day__raccoon@reddit
It’s because we are socialised to be “nice girls” and not be angry. That kind of passive aggressive communication avoids an expression of direct anger, so that’s what most women do because it’s what we’re trained to do. It’s not about being spineless, it’s about being socialised in ways which perpetuates oppression.
Anony_mouse202@reddit
It’s not a problem if both people are happy with it. Everyone’s different. Some couples prefer to have one person acting as the breadwinner and another dealing with the domestic stuff. There’s no right way to do it.
day__raccoon@reddit
This isn’t about domestic labour. It’s about the mental load. If you don’t know what that is, that’s okay- I linked to a great comic about it in another comment in this thread.
Anony_mouse202@reddit
Point still stands. Different couples prefer to divide up the work differently. As long as both parties are ok with it that’s all that matters. It’s not inherently problematic to have one party focusing on being the breadwinner and the other dealing with the household work/mental load as you allude to in your earlier comment.
day__raccoon@reddit
Household labour and mental load are two different things, you seem to be failing to grasp that.
brizzle9293@reddit
Are you single by any chance?
day__raccoon@reddit
No, I’m married and very happy ☺️ thanks for checking in!
brizzle9293@reddit
Ok, if you say so 😂
Inspectorghoulget@reddit
Found the person who neglects their partner.
Shmiggles@reddit
No, this is a reminder that some couples find traditional gender roles to be a useful way of dividing the labour that's required to keep a household running. Earning a wage or salary is part of that labour.
A relationship isn't just the combination of two people; it's something those two people choose to build together. How they choose to build it is up to them.
day__raccoon@reddit
It’s okay if you don’t understand what the mental load is. You can google it :)
Ratiocinor@reddit
It's okay if you don't know the mental load traditionally taken by men in relationships. You can google it :)
Ratiocinor@reddit
/r/pointlesslygendered
Every relationship I've ever been in or seen has been a 2 way street with some give and take
Why does reddit have a hard on for this gender war culture war men vs women bullshit? Where everything women do in a relationship is "unpaid emotional labour" but everything men do is just being a good partner?
day__raccoon@reddit
You’re another person who doesn’t understand the concept I’m referencing. That’s okay, not everyone knows everything. But I would familiarise yourself with the concept of the mental load before wading in :)
Ratiocinor@reddit
I am well aware of the concept you are passive aggressively commenting about all over this thread. You sound absolutely miserable lmao tallying up every single little thing women do in relationships and ignoring everything men do. Not everything is a zero sum game of oppression
I feel for your relationships they sound like hell
That's okay though :) we are all on a journey of self discovery :). Maybe one day you'll learn to appreciate the little things your partner does for you and realise the things you take for granted :) We can all grow and mature :)
Or keep being passive aggressive before wading in :)
LambonaHam@reddit
Because women need to maintain their victim complex in order to alleviate their responsibility.
UnacceptableUse@reddit
!dick
purplepeopleater205@reddit
Unfortunately that is not the true picture, I am a woman in a happy relationship where we both work together to run the house and family.
As I was home when the kids were little I had more of the mental load but we now share this more evenly that I'm working and studying.
However it doesn't matter how many other women I speak to, they all regard our relationship as something out of the ordinary. Like I somehow won the lottery and because I have very little to complain(and I don't ) about it actually ostracises me.
No it shouldn't be this way and I'm damned if my son's grow up the depend on someone else to survive, I also won't apologise for having a healthy relationship.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Because women do more of it. Those are just the facts.
Drath101@reddit
Something I've noticed is sometimes I get lectures because I work full time and pay substantially more, whereas she's currently part time and pays less (looking for full time again, though). Therefore whilst I do do domestic housework (hoovering the house, dusting, several days of washing up etc), I do less.
However, when there was a period in our relationship where I'd been laid off for 6 weeks and she was working full time, so I did absolutely all of the housework, nobody ever jumped to my defence because that should obviously be the case.
bourton-north@reddit
The mental load for women also chooses to ignore lots of mental load stuff for men. I’d live it if someone without an agenda made a more comprehensive list and evaluated that.
day__raccoon@reddit
You seem to misunderstand the concept :) I’ve mentioned some really interesting, well researched writing in my other comments, sounds like you might find them interesting.
bourton-north@reddit
No I don’t misunderstand the concept. I’m not digging through your comments for some elusive research - what I have seen was made with an agenda and very poor methodology of what constitutes mental load - ie they just pick stuff women are more likely to do
day__raccoon@reddit
Ahh, you must not know much about designing, interpreting or reading research then :) have a lovely day!
Upset-Elderberry3723@reddit
I hope we're coming at this from a Marxist-feminist perspective and not a neoliberal, indivialist responsibility one.
The latter will never free women as it does not recognise the need to free men from their labour exploitation (which is what necessitated the harsh gendering of women and resulted in the 'triple-shift' to begin with.
jtr99@reddit
Hear, hear.
MaxieMatsubusa@reddit
It’s just depressing because I don’t feel like there’s any way out of it for most women unfortunately. The nicest man on earth can still just completely misunderstand the amount of work women just are expected to do.
LambonaHam@reddit
You're conflating 'tasks women do' with 'effort women put in'.
The things being described (washing clothes, etc) aren't labour intensive. Tasks expected of men (e.g. maintaining the home / DIY) are less frequent, but far more labour intensive.
MaxieMatsubusa@reddit
Okay? A man’s yearly DIY project isn’t even remotely the same amount of work as someone washing up every day.
LambonaHam@reddit
No, it's more.
Washing up is neither a mental, nor physically demanding task.
MaxieMatsubusa@reddit
Organising a whole house is mental, remembering all the errands to do is mental, keeping track of doctor’s appointments is mental, keeping track of school events is mental, looking after children’s safety is mental, trying not to leave your deadbeat husband is mental.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
You've been downvoted but it's true. It's all very well to tell women to make him step up, but you can't force someone to do what they don't want to.
tiramismoo@reddit
Honestly I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about things so many times and it doesn’t change. He just tells me we have “different standards for cleaning” but it’s BS. He was used to his mum doing everything before him before we bought our house and I made the mistake of not living with him first to see what it’d be like.
day__raccoon@reddit
Pssst, you can have boundaries. You can stop doing more than your fair share. You can leave.
tiramismoo@reddit
We have a son. If I don’t do our fair share, he suffers. I bring it up very regularly so I’m not just sitting and taking it.
day__raccoon@reddit
Then I would recommend therapy- hopefully couples therapy, or individual therapy if your partner isn’t up for that. It’ll help you set boundaries.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Setting boundaries doesn't mean anything if he doesn't want to change and she's not prepared to end the relationship.
day__raccoon@reddit
When you set boundaries and your partner crosses them over and over, that gives more clear signs to end the relationship. When you communicate your boundaries, and your partner shows they don’t respect them, that will move most people into change :)
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
She's said she's talked to him and it doesn't work. Of course she could end the relationship but they have a house and child and it doesn't sound like she's prepared to do that. At least for now.
day__raccoon@reddit
That’s why you need boundaries :)
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Boundaries aren't going to buy her a new house if she decides to leave.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
That's the thing, if you just stop doing things he probably won't care, it's you and your child who will feel the effect. And just leaving isn't easy for everyone.
meinnit99900@reddit
some of these comments are making me depressed like may a love where the husband doesn’t even know how to pack a ducking lunchbox never find me
day__raccoon@reddit
People need to see this amazing comic:
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
ediblehunt@reddit
Pretty valid until I got to "the mental load is almost completely borne by women". Uh, excuse me?
day__raccoon@reddit
Many studies bear this out. As I mentioned, see Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and All The Rage by Darcy Lockman to learn more :) there’s lots of studies collated in those texts, and they’re referenced to take you to other reading on the topic. Enjoy!
ediblehunt@reddit
Wouldn't it depend on the dynamic of the relationship? The idea of there being a manager that carrys a less visible mental burden is very valid to me, but as a guy with a female partner who was ADHD it's entirely up to me to remember what needs doing each day. So it doesn't feel very reasonable to follow that up with "most of this is done by the women".
Prestigious-Proof718@reddit
You are the exception. There have been lots of studies on this and they all show that it is mostly done by women. Of course that does not mean this is the case in every single household.
ediblehunt@reddit
Downvote and no reply, bit miserable aren't ye?
day__raccoon@reddit
Gosh. I was getting ready to go out to a farmers market with a friend so didn’t reply straight away… it’s really strange how hostile you are. Doesn’t seem like you like women very much, I feel awful for your partner. Enjoy the recommended reading, you might learn something :)
Pope_Khajiit@reddit
Earlier this week my partner and I were having an argument about this exact thing.
Thank you for sharing.
EnkaNe2023@reddit
Yes, it's a horrible load on women, I agree. However I think it's quite often historical conditioning, for the most part. Males are not intrinsically lazy, ungrateful, selfish people.. any more than the entire population at large.
I may have an overly rose-coloured take on the situation, as I grew up in a household where my father was Jewish(woman is head of the household), and my mother was Catholic(man is the head of the household)...
Everybody seemed to just do stuff as and when it was needed (although Mum hated cleaning, so the rest of us mainly did that).
I learned to cook when I left home and went flatting as I simply couldn't stomach the muck that my flatmates seemed to thrive on
skip2111beta@reddit
Just think of how much singles do! lol
slimboyslim9@reddit
Man here. I do most of the things in this post as my work is flexible and I just enjoy being domestic. My incredible wife runs a business as well as a part-time job. Please don’t make these sorts of sweeping statements about gender roles. It’s 2025 ffs.
Inspectorghoulget@reddit
In 2025 ffs surely you must understand that pretty much every research study indicates that this is the case in the majority of heterosexual relationships already.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It's a simple fact that in most heterosexual relationships women do most of it though, as seen in the comments here. Nobody says absolutely no men do anything, but the figures are clear that women as a rule do more.
Zoe-Schmoey@reddit
No, it just means you’ve had bad relationships. My husband is a fucking hero in every respect. That femcel bullshit helps nobody
CharlayT@reddit
I don't want to think about it
Mountain-Corgi-6833@reddit
My sister died a few years ago and her husband was clueless and I mean clueless . Had to get him sorted on all sorts . Me personally I worry if I go before my wife because I do everything expect the washing and ironing . I think she would have a hard time adjusting . Hopefully we go together in many many years to come .
PLUMPUFFIN@reddit
He wouldnt love himself properly. It really upsets me to say that as he has come so far from being abused and self hating, to a good sense of self worth.
But... and I dont like this, certainly not find pride in it.... but I dont think he would be happy properly. He deserves to be and I believe he could be.
But, I know we have opened each other up to so much, and he has always said quietly and loudly that he has never felt able to br himself like he is with me.
I always hope we never face that day, he deserves to and could love and be himself without me. But i get why he wouldnt.
He also wouldnt make doctors appointments or eat hot meals but thats not top issue for me 🤣🤦♀️
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
Haha that's so cute 💞
SpinachnPotatoes@reddit
My husband has been my team mate for the last 20 years. We work together with most house duties. He has firmly believed that both of us as well as our kids in being self sufficient.
Standing in queue would have been my answer before EFT was a viable option. He hates standing in line and will actively avoid it if he can.
My husband's answer to this would be keeping calm in an emergency situation. Mrs Panic Stations is his nick name he teases me with in private after the matter has been settled
FamousOrphan@reddit
I’m recently single, but I think some of the things we think are vital are actually not. People live differently and maybe some of our routines aren’t necessary for them.
FullMetalCOS@reddit
The same thing I wouldn’t know how to do without her:
Process their loss whilst still being a functional parent.
Housework and shit is easy to at least do to a tolerable standard. School is school ffs, at worst that’s a couple of phone calls to figure out. Bin day? Google it.
But trying to support grieving kids who lost a parent whilst losing the love of your life? Literally impossible
NovelShelter7489@reddit
Clean the bird feeders,everything else he'd cope with.
Proper_Instruction67@reddit
I'm pretty lucky that my husband is able to do everything, but think he would just be lost about how to live alone
BiscuitBarrel179@reddit
As a husband, if my wife were to pass I don't think i would know how to live alone. It's not about getting shit done. Literally, anyone can run a household, but who do I talk to, who will make me laugh, who will be there for me? My wife isn't just the love of my life but also my best friend.
Thesladenator@reddit
I hope when we get old he dies first honestly. He would struggle so much.
It's his biggest fear.
JoeyJoJoeJr_Shabadoo@reddit
Yep that's me. I'd fall into "who am I doing this for?" mode pretty quickly and end up with a neckbeard nest.
Kuddkungen@reddit
You can choose to do it for your future self. Your future self will surely enjoy going to bed in fresh sheets. And wake up to clean dishes and a well-stocked kitchen. And if you wash the dishes immediately after breakfast, your future self will not have to fight the dried-in cereal bits after coming home from work. And so on.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
OP clearly has children, that's who they'd be doing it for.
Proper_Instruction67@reddit
Yeah, we take care of each other. Without that, life would feel kinda pointless
captain_crackerjack@reddit
This is a great comment. Like, I know how to do everything, but I don’t have much desire to do it. Is someone going to die if I don’t run the dishwasher, or leave my bedsheets on for three weeks rather than two? No.
madam-pamplemousse@reddit
That’s not what she means lmao
captain_crackerjack@reddit
Then what does she mean? I’m saying that since separating from my wife and living alone, the things that don’t get done around the house aren’t not done because I don’t know how; they’re not done because I can’t think of a valid reason to expend the energy required to do them. Going from cohabitation to single living is strange. I know I should tidy up and go and load the dishwasher, but what’s going to go wrong if I don’t?
madam-pamplemousse@reddit
Sure if you live alone, it’s your space so your call how you want to live in it. But I think the point some people are trying to make is more about what happens in shared spaces when you’re living with a partner. It’s not just about knowing how to do chores- we all do. It’s about seeing what needs to be done and doing it without being asked. There’s a huge difference between someone who can help and someone who actually does- unprompted. And when one person is always the one noticing, planning, reminding, delegating… that’s a mental load that adds up fast. It becomes less about the chore itself and more about feeling like you’re managing another adult.
And honestly, having a clean and tidy home is enough of a reason. Sure, I could leave the dishes, but then the grime solidifies they’re harder to clean later. I could leave the sheets and extra week, but then my skin breaks out. And yeah, I could just let things slide because I know I’ll clean eventually- but then I can’t have friends over last-minute, or I end up feeling overstimulated by the mess and I don’t feel peaceful in my own space.
So when chores get constantly delayed, it’s not just about the task , it ends up making your partner feel overlooked and unsupported. It’s not about perfection, it’s just about care, consideration, and sharing the responsibility of living together.
But again, if it’s just you, then fair enough. Just know it hits different when someone else has to live in it too.
captain_crackerjack@reddit
Absolutely valid points, but I don’t think that has any relation to what I was replying to. The person I was replying to said that their husband could do pretty much everything but would be lost about how to live alone. Doesn’t suggest to me that said husband doesn’t do anything, just that doing stuff is only a part of the equation and being alone removes the balance from that equation.
When I was with my wife, we shared the load and just got stuff done. I know there are plenty of men who weaponise incompetence, and that needs to be called out and addressed because it’s absolutely wrong (although it’s not just men, especially if you look outside of the traditional household “chores”), but the point I was responding to is that being on your own is a very different dynamic to cohabiting.
CommandSpaceOption@reddit
Probably never change the sheets ever again if she’s not here anymore. At that point the sheets would be the least of the problems in my life.
I_am_Relic@reddit
Yeah. I feel that.
I am someone's mubby. I can and have lived alone. I am totally capable of looking after myself.
My girl has taught me how to be financially responsible (and that I should eat crisps from a bowl). She has opened my eyes to other cultures, mindsets and ways of thinking.
But now.... without her at my side... I'd be totally adrift, despite knowing how to live on my own.
Stypig@reddit
Same here. We share responsibility for most house and child based things equally.
The things we couldn't do to replace each other are more hobby based.
Our kid is very sporty - their Dad has the energy and skills to share these hobbies, offer coaching, etc. I offer moral support and general yay-ness, but due to a chronic health issue cannot take part alongside. (I've tried to step up when my husband got a serious injury, but I lack the physical skills, fitness and stamina).
Our kid is also very bookish - I read the books they read, we discuss the books, we suggest new books to each other. We play chess, do word games and watch quiz shows together. Dad listens to rants about book endings, and excitement about the next book in the series, but hasn't read any of them. He is god awful at chess and can't do connections, or quiz shows at all. He would try if I wasn't around but not with much success (he has had to before due to a health flare up that had me hospitalised - the kid was very polite but apparently Dad just didn't quite get it).
But house stuff? We both know how to pay bills, load dishwashers, what day the bins go out, we cook dinner equally.
Kid stuff? We share Dr phone calls and visits, we both deal with school demands for bottles of pop for school fairs, remembering when pe kit needs to be worn on a different day to normal.
I'd be lost without him emotionally though. He's been my best friend for 25 years. He's who I talk to first about the big stuff, the little stuff and all the stuff in between. He's who I celebrate with, who I complain to, and who I can't wait to listen to so he can share it all with me.
Away-Thing-1801@reddit
Just came here to say, you both sound like amazing parents and partners
Lakeland_wanderer@reddit
The hardest thing about living alone is not having someone to talk to. I can do all the jobs and my bills are paid automatically but my cats are not good conversationalists (except when they have empty food bowls).
advenurehobbit@reddit
Yes this - I think we could practically take up each others roles with very little problem, but it would be horribly hard to do while managing grief and supporting three grieving young daughters. I hope it's many decades before we have to face this.
meinnit99900@reddit
No offence but some of you lot in these comments need to get partners you don’t have to parent, would be incredibly depressed if my partner thought I was as useless as some of you clearly think yours are- I was a functioning human being before and I’ll be one after
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
I wouldn't say I parent him, but we both have different roles in the household. He earns twice what I do, he's full time and I'm part time. I've got time to call places during the day, organise and take kid to appointments etc
dl064@reddit
Yeah.
Division of labour. Wife updates the nursery app, I arrange the shopping. Fine. We both probably could do both, but why.
BigOptrex@reddit
Unless you've got kids (we do not) running a household isn't even difficult, and people are exaggerating how much effort things take.
My wife is frequently unwell so I end up doing quite a lot of the 'work' of running the home in both the long (e.g. finances) and short term (e.g. cleaning, shopping, making sure animals are fed), but it just gets done. It doesn't require thinking about, there's a task and then the task is done!
I should never have looked at r/adulting
Jonoabbo@reddit
Weirdly most people aren't picking their partners based on how they would do if they weren't together.
MoonlightByWindow@reddit
except that the question is really about what your partner does or doesn't do around the house. grown men in this thread saying they can't use a washing machine or clean a toilet 😭😭😭 do you think this doesn't make their wives resent them? this all adds up. there's a reason that married men live longer than single men while single women live longer than married women
Jonoabbo@reddit
Typically a household would split tasks. Not always, of course, but its not uncommon that one party does some tasks and the other party does others.
metamongoose@reddit
One would hope there'd be a very different list the spouse would produce in these partnerships. There's such a thing as complimentary skill sets.
Azarna@reddit
For a while, I worked in a supermarket, in stock control.
Often, when out on the shop floor, I would get elderly men ask me for help.
They were trying to buy washing powder and had no idea which one to buy because their wife, " she passed away a few weeks ago," did all the shopping.
I also had old chaps who were upset they didn't know which coffee they liked or what cereal they had been eating for decades.
dl064@reddit
Used to work in NHS clinical psychology/neuro.
It's definitely a phenomenon that the wife dies, and the husband comes down with dementia in short order - because he had it all alone and noone realized until he wouldn't shower etc.
BG3restart@reddit
When my husband died, I realised I didn't know who his current boss was. He worked for a big company. Luckily I knew the password to his phone, so I sent a text to a previous boss whose wedding we'd been too and asked him to tell HR and whoever else needed to know. I also didn't know that I could have sent the bill for his funeral to his company and his company pension would pay it direct. Instead I paid the £7000 from savings at a time when I was worrying how I was going to pay the bills on my one salary and it might have relieved my anxiety a little if I'd known.
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
I would hope my partner doesn't spend £7000 on my funeral unless most of it is on food and drink. Then she can enjoy the just over £100k payout she will get from my employer.
dl064@reddit
They're sometimes in life insurance.
GrumpyBogart@reddit
Funerals are more expensive than you think.
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
Depends what you go for, my family have usually gone for either a cheap or no funeral.
BG3restart@reddit
I'm having a direct cremation myself, but my partner died young and was a really great guy who lots of people loved and respected, so I felt that as many people as possible who wanted to be there should be able to be. I also let our kids choose the coffin, so they chose the most expensive, oak coffin in the book because they wanted the best for their dad. If I was doing it again now, I'd probably do things differently, but it was a sudden death and we thought we were decades away from needing to have the talk about what happens after one of us dies.
GretalRabbit@reddit
I would have hoped HR would make you aware of these things - your husband may not have been aware either.
BG3restart@reddit
They did, but I'd paid most of it at that point. I think they walk a fine line between helping you with the admin, but not intruding on your grief too early. We actually had a delay getting the death certificate and holding the funeral for a couple of different reasons, so they probably didn't realise we'd already set things in motion. They also waited to come to see me at home so that my husband's best friend from work could come (he was away), as they knew he would be a friendly face for me. They were actually very good and did a number of really kind things for me after his death that I and the kids very much appreciated.
GretalRabbit@reddit
I’m so glad they took care of you 😊
mandykg@reddit
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think in the modern world this is probably a more common issue than people realise - I work for a large company and was manning the switchboard recently and got one of these calls, someone had passed and their family had no idea who to contact within our company.
sunbeamshadow@reddit
Anything to do with the bills/mortgage/insurance
corfugirl888@reddit
He would know what day the bins go out and that's it. He would not know where to start with household bills, car insurance, bank accounts, cleaning, anything at all. I have tried but he's not interested. Have written a detailed list should I die first. It has all the info he needs, who to contact, passwords etc etc. I can guarantee he won't read it. Oh well, won't be my problem anymore.
MamaStobez@reddit
My husband cannot cook for shit! Like seriously can barely boil water. He would live on dry bread.
steamnametaken@reddit
She does most stuff but the house would burn down, because the fairy who removes the lint from the tumble drier filter wouldn’t be there to do it anymore and it would eventually catch fire
Lady-Callipygian@reddit
My partner doesn’t drive and the nearest stop for the school bus is a 30 minute walk from our house, so he’d definitely struggle with getting the kids to school. He gets a bus to work and knows how to cook, clean and everything else though.
Annika_Desai@reddit
My dad died when I was 12. My partner's mum died when he was 17. As such, we both make sure we both know how to do everything if we need to, domestics, earning, bills, pet stuff, etc.
LambGravyChops@reddit
This is a good question and something i have already considered. We do half and half of the housework and i think he would be fine with doing that side of things, however, im much more computer savvy than he is. So i do all the financial side of things - paying the bills, budgeting etc. In the case of something unexpected i have written out a document on my computer that explains everything to him and saved it to my desktop.
JaBe68@reddit
We are getting to an age where friends are passing away, and I see how helpless the surviving partner (of both sexes) is.
I have started to pull back and force my husband to deal with some of the stuff that I normally handle. My daughter took him to do the monthly grocery shop. He was astonished at how much thought goes into what to buy, evaluating what is on sale and if it is worth it, what to do if something we need is out of stock.
He admitted to my daughter afterward that he had no idea how much effort went into it. I am also making him sit with me every month when the bills get paid, so he can run the budget if I am not here.
Allthecatsaremine@reddit
I bet if you asked those friends, you'd get a surprising insight. The helplessness isn't just a product of not knowing how things work, it's heavily influenced by the crippling grief. It paralyzes you. And things that seem so simple become impossible. Because what's the point anymore? Being upright every day is a victory.
JaBe68@reddit
That is a very valid point. Perhaps it isn't a case of not knowing how, but more a case of not being able to do it in this moment.
Monsieur_Hugh_Janus@reddit
Am I missing something about buying groceries? I've always done my own grocery shopping and it's never felt particularly complex.
ughhhghghh@reddit
My wife and I take it in turns. I.e. its her turn tomorrow, then I'll do the shopping the following week. I have never seen it as some sort of complex task. I go in with my list, get what's on there then go home...
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Sure, but you have to know what to put on the list, that's the difficult part. If you do it all the time presumably you have a system.
JaBe68@reddit
And if you have ground beef on the list but now it is too expensive, what to replace it with that will give the same number of meals at the price originally budgeted, using the other ingredients already on the list. We are an ingredient house, so that also makes it a little tougher.
JaBe68@reddit
You have always done it - so it is easy for you. If you have never done it and now you are doing it for a family within a budget, it can take some thought.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Do you live alone?
AlpacamyLlama@reddit
I don't. What is difficult about it?
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Having the right things to make actual meals, packed lunch ingredients if necessary, the right quantities to last the week or however long. I don't personally find it difficult for my family because I've been doing it for years but I can see how it is if you're doing it for the first time. Not difficult as such, but you have to think about it.
wroclad@reddit
Everything! However, I have a sealed letter with instructions and passwords left in a place he knows about. I recently had surgery so I did this as a 'just in case' measure.
r1Rqc1vPeF@reddit
I kind of read this wrong way, sorry. I lost my wife 3 years ago.
Long term known health issue, sudden loss.
I cook, I bake, I clean, I do the garden. Always did, we shared stuff. She taught me so many things about life.
She died.
I’m doing things people say to do.
Don’t retire within 12 months of your partner dying ☑️
Get out and about and put yourself in places to meet new people ☑️
Find new hobbies ☑️
Stay in touch with family (few hundred miles away) but yes, I’ve visited them more times than they have visited me ☑️
Smile and appear happy when (if) people ask how you are 🫠
Learn how to live without the love of your life ❌❌
I’m comfortably retired, how can life be this shit?
Allthecatsaremine@reddit
Right? I think if you've already been through this, the question is missing the point. I *know" how to do all the things, I just don't see the point of doing the things anymore.
Sepa-Kingdom@reddit
So sorry for your loss.
Psycho_Husband@reddit
If my husband died, I would likely be next to useless.
Not sure I would want to exist in that world though.
Allthecatsaremine@reddit
Can confirm, am useless and do not really want to exist. 0 out of 5 stars. Do not recommend.
MrsPickleMouse@reddit
My wonderful husband did die… after 34 years of marriage.
I can confirm I am useless and don’t want to exist.
But I have no choice. I am figuring out how to do the stuff he did that I didn’t do. Like how to use the ride on lawn mower… I forget every time how to start it. Still haven’t learned to use the chainsaw… really need to do this, need woodpile for winter.
Besides being deeply in mourning, one of the hardest things is having no time to do everything, there is just not enough time in the day to do everything… even if I had the energy or desire to do it. But mostly I don’t care anymore. I really don’t care if I don’t clean out the filter on the drier. I don’t care if I can’t be bothered to hoover under the sofa. I don’t care, because I don’t have him with me anymore.
sarries123@reddit
Really sorry for your loss
MrsPickleMouse@reddit
Thank you x
Realistically… everything everyone is whining about in the comments is pointless. When you lose the love of your life, the other half of you, none of the stuff they’re talking about matters at all, not one bit. Just existing and barely surviving is as good as it gets.
cari-strat@reddit
Mine would be lost. He works and contributes half of the household expenses, and he is a good gardener and decent at DIY, but anything else, no.
He'd obviously get the hang of simple stuff like cleaning, but he has absolutely no idea what bills we pay and to whom, or how often, and things like internet banking and online forms cause him all sorts of headaches.
He has no idea how you judge what food is needed to feed a family for a week, and he's hopeless at dealing with the kids. Paperwork throws him completely. Meetings are similarly problematic.
Both our kids are disabled/SEN kids so the amount of crap that has to be handled on that score is huge - benefits, EHCPs, school stuff, medical arrangements. He finds that utterly overwhelming but he is dyslexic and very likely autistic as well, which doesn't help.
He quite freely admits that he would be hopelessly screwed without me, whereas I'd be absolutely fine if he wasn't around as I can do all the 'male' jobs.
IPoisonedThePizza@reddit
My wife cant remember a password or set up basic IT stuff to save her life.
If I die she needs another geek to save her from all the finances things.
Furicist@reddit
Cope. Losing a loved one is devastating.
gponter79@reddit
I’m a husband and can (and do) do everything around the house. Raising 3 daughters and It’s not hard, don’t rely on your spouse to do chores that’s pretty, never understand how some men become grown up teenagers. 🤣
Legitimate_Finger_69@reddit
Fucking everything.
My partner is the one who electrocuted herself trying to clean stuff she'd dropped into the kettle base with a fork whilst it was plugged in. Almost crashed the sodding car when she got confused between the rev counter and thought she was going 40mph when she was actually going 100mph/4k revs. She's cheating survival of the fittest big time.
Fred776@reddit
I'm sorry for your loss.
madam-pamplemousse@reddit
She’s alive
VladamirK@reddit
Electrocution is when someone dies via electricity.
Legitimate_Finger_69@reddit
Technically it's when someone is deliberately executed by electricity if you want to be pedantic (as I usually do). Accidental death wouldn't qualify.
VladamirK@reddit
Reasonable pedantism I'd say.
ChronicApathetic@reddit
Pedantry.
luffy8519@reddit
https://g.co/kgs/uiMdh7c
madam-pamplemousse@reddit
Idk what you want me to say, they literally imply in the last sentence that she’s alive …. Reading comprehension is key
VladamirK@reddit
Therefore electrocution is the wrong word for it, as that results in death.
separatebaseball546@reddit
Not for long
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
I think the word electrocuted means that it killed you.
minecraftmedic@reddit
You think wrongly.
It originally meant electric execution, but meanings change and it now includes accidental death and also injury from electricity.
Legitimate_Finger_69@reddit
Means that someone else killed you - electric execution.
imalreadycoolest@reddit
She sounds like great fun.
separatebaseball546@reddit
Oopsie💅
lonerspace@reddit
So still 7 lives left
SomewhereVirtual4121@reddit
DIY I do it all she’s useless at it, I refuse to have a professional do it they charge an insane fee each time I’d rather buy the materials and do it all myself, so far I’ve changed doors, fixed all 3 sinks, the toilet was broken I fixed it, the bath use to leak, I also changed the bath, I put down new flooring in the bathroom, the half bathroom and the hallway. I make the beds I do all the heavy lifting. She’d end up spending a bomb for everything to be fixed. We moved into a new build about 3 years ago and it was poorly made
Ambitious-Bat237@reddit
I'm not sure he knows where the gas meter is. We don't have a smart meter and so have to do monthly readings.
kone29@reddit
My husband would be fine because I didn’t marry a child or someone who makes their wife do everything
tinned_peaches@reddit
Every guy I know who’s wife died ( including my dad, my partners dad and three of my friends dads) all had new live - in partners within a year.
CatFoodBeerAndGlue@reddit
I think we'd both do okay, but she definitely wouldn't know who are energy supplier is or who any of our insurance policies are with.
marlonoranges@reddit
Everything. And my partner is 12 years younger than me so its a real concern for me.
She has friends that can help with practical matters such as changing the battery in a smoke alarm, but everything else....
I've created a document with bank account, pension, and investment details, and directed her to speak to a mate who is money-savy but I'm worried for her.
ElDinero87@reddit
She needs help changing batteries?
MalachiteDragoness@reddit
Height makes a difference on that one/ it’s often easier with two people.
BigOptrex@reddit
Might just not be very tall, or shit with ladders. This is something I've found with my aging in-laws; he used to do everything physical and now he can't because of illness, she can't because she's never had to.
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
I'm tempted to do something like this. All of our money goes I to one account and pays the bills and our spending, but I have savings in a different bank. I sort his car insurance, our house insurance and just the odd things like that. Might have to ask him who our gas and electric is with as I bet he doesn't know 😂
meinnit99900@reddit
do you enjoy being her father then or what
MillySO@reddit
It sounds morbid but me and my partner have a “death box”. It basically tells us how to access the other’s accounts (we have a joint account but there’s an S&S ISA that I started before we combined finances and on his side, cryptocurrency). We know each others phone codes but he forgets mine because it’s my childhood phone number which isn’t memorable for him. I also have a payout from my union as well as my work. Basically the box is instructions for anything relating to finances and phones. He’ll eventually figure out the bin and more practical stuff, after a bit of struggle but at least the money is sorted.
Happy2b3h3re@reddit
My parents have done the same, and written all passwords and the locations that valuables are stashed. It's in a sealed file in my safe. Really good idea, I'm working on one for my partner now.
AnonymousOkapi@reddit
Rhod Gilbert does a very funny but very sobering sketch of all the information he was trying to pass on to his wife in case he didn't make it through his cancer treatment. It hinges around how byzantine the recycling and rubbish collection system is in the UK, repeatedly reffing on that is where most of the humour is, but he talks about the folder he started of here is what to do if the car breaks or the porch light goes out or the fuse box blows etc etc. The core of which is so heartbreaking.
colei_canis@reddit
Accurate to the point I'm surprised my recycling bin isn't under seige from the Ottomans.
thejadedfalcon@reddit
Do you have a link? YouTube came up with a bunch of shorts, but I'm used to them cutting out 90% of the content they're taken from.
MPHOLLI@reddit
The show is still on tour so it’s not been recorded yet. 100% recommend that everyone goes to see it though!
AnonymousOkapi@reddit
Im not sure it's been clipped anywhere sorry, this was in a live show
wicked_lazy@reddit
I'm not who you asked, but I saw him perform it live recently. It is from his "Rhod Gilbert and the Giant Grapefruit" tour - if that helps you find it.
richbun@reddit
I have the Google inactive account setup. If not used for 3 months it emails my wife everything. I do actually think 1 month would be better, but it would be a good backup.
I also have a nice goodbye note in there, and I think for that, coming 3 months later might be nice timing for the note!
Anyway, it also details all my accounts and passwords she might have missed (there is a missing bit for security she'd understand to get the full pw) so a good backup.
OMGItsCheezWTF@reddit
I manage all of the household finances (because my wife doesn't work) so I have a sealed envelope in our doc safe explaining how to access my password manager, and from there how to access important accounts etc.
In the event of my death she's the executor of my will (and I hers) so we can deal with various companies, and this will be business as usual to any larger company like the utilities etc. But if I'm merely in hospital long term in a coma or something it becomes far more complicated.
I also have a lot of tech in the house, all managed by a server and a few mini PCs, she uses the things hosted there, but she has no idea how they work or how to admin any of it, she is not a techy. She would need to get a techy friend we trust to help her with that if I wasn't around.
MillySO@reddit
Funny you should say that. My partner’s list of instructions includes tech things like how our tv server works.
RaisingRoses@reddit
A family friend died recently who had known it was coming for a very long time. He'd planned his own funeral, left detailed instructions for everything that might need sorting etc. He'd also left a long letter to his wife that she discovered a few days after he passed. It's such a practical and also lovely idea, but I think putting it all together would break me a bit. Trying to imagine the grief and how to lessen that stress... It's the reason I've put it off even though I know it's a good idea.
I think my husband would struggle with all the idiosyncrasies of our daughter. I'm a stay at home parent and home educator to a kid with medical conditions. He comes to her big appointments, he's very hands on and involved as a parent and partner, but he doesn't have to remember the fine print. He knows I've got everything covered and managed. I don't doubt he would become proficient if he had to, but there would definitely be an adjustment period for him to learn all the small details of parenting that he misses out on by being the working parent.
Paranoia_Pizza@reddit
I've written letters to my husband and son, on days where things have been good/or milestones, and hidden them in various memory boxes in the loft. I hope when I do go finding them and reading them will bring them some happiness.
I'm trying to write up explanations/descriptions for things like antiques, Jewelery, artwork, and other things that have been passed down to me or mean a lot to me. So that things have some meaning when I eventually go
albinoloverats@reddit
I think I need a similar box. I handle all the finances, and having a list of instructions to be able to get access to all accounts, especially life insurance payout would be useful.
yazshousefortea@reddit
Every few years my sister and I write down instructions for each other like this just in case. (Mum killed herself when I was 16 so we know more than most bad stuff can and does happen.) The big document is the list of people in our lives with their phone numbers to help cascade the news should anything happen to one of us.
It’s actually a really positive thing and helps us connect and learn about each other’s lives as well. Everyone should do it!
jamesharland@reddit
I have a document inside my life insurance folder with instructions for my fiancée on how to access all my accounts.
Reading this thread made me dig it out, and I've looked at it for the first time in over a year. Even seeing "I hope you never need to use this" in my own handwriting even gives me chills.
To quote early Eminem, "hell yeah I'm afraid of death"
onetruestu@reddit
I am going to flip this and say what I would struggle with without my wife. Life, I could do everything I could do before her but if somethings happens to her it would hurt me physically as well. It happened before and I struggled with my chest and breathing. I know that if we last to elderly age then if she goes first, I go later. Quantum entanglement style. Its not something I ever expected to happen to me but my answer is the will to live.
Clockworkitten_79@reddit
On the day of my funeral I’ll have to sit bolt upright in my coffin to mark the kids as absent on the school fucking app…
Apprehensive_Plum755@reddit
I don't think schools should be having fucking apps
Fred776@reddit
All these comments about useless blokes not being able to work the washing machine and stuff - how typical is this I wonder? Maybe I've been living in a bubble but I've been able to look after myself since I was 18 and all of my male friends are the same.
talligan@reddit
It's just women listing their share of the communal chores and people jumping on them as if the men aren't doing anything. Even OP admits (several times) that her husband works more than she does and this is their even work split and people are still ragging on him.
Monsieur_Hugh_Janus@reddit
yeah these all seem like super basic tasks. honestly I hate this thread, it's either men lving like it's the 50s or women infantilising their partners which I honestly find just as insufferable. There is a difference between can't, don't or won't do something. I know how to clean but i work long hours so i pay someone to do it. Its not like without help i am there waving the toilet brush around trying to figure out where it goes or putting dishwasher tablet in the washing machine.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It's not that they don't know how or can't work out how, it's that they never think to do it.
Teaboy1@reddit
Yeah its mental. How hard is it to use a washing machine? 90% of the time its select daily wash, throw a pod in and if you remember put some conditioner in the drawer. I would imagine just randomly twisting the knob and throwing a pod in would suffice if you couldn't read.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Mine tried to claim he didn't know when we got a new one, but he works a technical job fixing machines. I told him not to be ridiculous.
Canitgetmuchworse@reddit
My 9yr old son can put a wash on, plus he knows to clean the filter in the dryer
AutoPanda1096@reddit
None of it is hard, these husbands just haven't had to do it.
Why do you think they wouldn't work it out?
I remember moving out on my own for the first time after my mum did everything and I just had to work it out.
Oh look all this muck sticking to my feet as I walk on the carpet. Oh! I better hoover it! There's a weird smell in the kitchen? Oh I better give it a clean. There's poop all over the toilet, wait, it doesn't clean itself. Better sort it out.
None of this is particularly taxing.
But if you don't normally don't you don't really notice.
When I moved in with my missus the big mistake we made was for her to just get on with and me letting her. She just sort of did it.
I wish we had sat down and set out some responsibilities.
StealingUrMemes@reddit
Sell my crypto when its ready... or sell it full stop.
ElDinero87@reddit
If your husband doesn't know how to clean the toilet and the kitchen sides, is it not perhaps time he learned? Not just because of the possibility of your death but just because they are basic adult tasks?
meinnit99900@reddit
shit like this makes me scared of marriage they make it sound more like motherhood
Isgortio@reddit
My mum has made this mistake and sadly has passed it on to my brother as well. She will change the bedsheets on my brother's bed, do all of his laundry and put it away, empty the bins, clean up after him, he's 37. The same with my dad (65). My mum tried to get my dad to do his own laundry once, so he took it all to a dry cleaners and had them clean and iron everything for him. My dad will happily destroy a toilet and not even think about cleaning it up, and my brother does the same but not as badly.
When I visit home, where it's just my parents and brother, I end up cleaning the main bathroom (the one my brother uses as my parents have an ensuite) because it's disgusting. My mum stopped cleaning it hoping my brother would do it but it seems to be me when I visit every 6 months or so. When my dad visits my house, I have to go in and clean up after him because he has absolutely no etiquette. I've called my dad out on it, at Christmas when we had it at my sister's house he left a mess in the toilet, I made sure to tell him loudly in front of other people that the toilet was left in a mess. He quietly walked off and went to tidy it up.
These are grown men that have just decided to act incompetent because other people will do things for them. I'd love to not clean up after them but I cannot stand the thought of being in filth.
I worry about the day that my mum becomes immobile, because the whole place is going to go downhill very quickly.
I absolutely do not want to end up with someone like that.
moresnowplease@reddit
My boyfriend doesn’t like doing dishes. Huh, weird, me neither. So he just puts them in the sink. His sister rented a room in his house for a few months and she did all the dishes all the time. I had begrudgingly washed dishes often before that because I hate dishes left in the sink, makes it hard to use the sink. I vowed when she moved out to not wash any of his or his kid’s dishes and to let them sit there until he did something about them. I’ve only broken that twice in the last two years, when someone was coming over to the house and I wasn’t willing to wait for him to do his dishes (I always wash and put away the dishes I have used). Turns out he does his dishes far more frequently now, often even right away after use! The first time he actually broke down to do his gross dish pile he started complaining halfway through that it hurt his back to lean over the sink like that and I replied calmly that it always hurts my back too. He only begrudgingly finished half his dishes that time, but now he washes his dishes pretty frequently and there are rarely dishes in the sink. I stubbornly won that battle, though I still do 95% of any dinner prep cleanup or shared dishes. To be fair, he actually cleaned the dinner cooking dishes last night even though he wasn’t hungry and didn’t eat any of the food we made! 😂 Yes I probably could have said something sooner but I don’t think he even realized how much other people were doing for him and I think he needed the visual and physical reminder for it to actually stick in his brain and he can be obnoxiously stubborn about anyone asking him to do things. Wasn’t worth the grumpy responses.
BrieflyVerbose@reddit
You don't accidentally fall into a situation like that, you're supposed to bloody vet people by dating them, then actually having a relationship with them before you go ahead and marry people.
People have got to take some responsibility for the people they choose also.
No-Relation1122@reddit
I mean, you can be very precise in your choice and then the facade drops as soon as it's deemed past the point of no return.
BrieflyVerbose@reddit
And this is why you don't get engaged right away. Some people expect a ring on the finger within a year or two and then wonder why they can't stand the people within the same time frame afterwards.
If you're going to marry somebody, waiting a little bit longer is the only logical thing to do. If you're still going to marry them then waiting isn't going to be an issue, as you've found the right person and confirmed it. You'll be spending the rest of your lives together regardless, waiting doesn't change anything.
BUT ALSO, if you don't rush in and then later find out that you're not compatible then you don't have to go through all the divorce bullshit. It's a win-win situation for everyone involved in the situation. It would have been the right decision whatever happens simply because you have waited to be sure.
It's not that difficult to figure it out.
Dudeinabox@reddit
Thank you! I have to wonder if these days if people have no self respect or self worth.
kingsappho@reddit
im a man and id say nearly all the men in my life aren't like that. just dont be with someone just because, dont marry someone who is like that. i honestly thought it was an age thing that it was older men who were a bit useless/reinforced old stereotypes but maybe it isn't.
SisterOfRistar@reddit
It's more common amongst the younger generations than you would imagine. When I got pregnant I joined a few parenting groups and it was really depressing the number of young women who said their partners/husbands don't lift a finger at home or 'help' with the kids. They also handle all the admin to such an extent that women are even expected to be the ones to remember and buy presents for her husband's family!
Darthblaker7474@reddit
This isn't exclusively a male problem.
I consider myself quite domesticated, my partner on the other hand is a bit of a lay-about.
Chance_Job3980@reddit
the key is to not marry people like this
LambonaHam@reddit
It's less that he doesn't know, and more that it's not a concern for him.
There's no malice directed at women here. Men are just more comfortable living in a home that is less pristine. The outcome isn't worth the effort.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It's not that he doesn't know how to do it, it's that he doesn't know OP does it every day and that it needs done to keep the kitchen in order.
Impressive_Bed_287@reddit
Well teach him then. If he can hold down a job in sure he's capable of learning how to clean the bog. Good god.
Catmom-101@reddit
Yeah, my boyfriend can do every task in the house and I can do every task in the house.. because we’re both adults.
I can’t imagine marrying someone and being their parent for the rest of our lives
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
I think it would hit him after a while to do it, but it's just always been my thing haha. He can do a job perfectly well, but I have to go give it another wipe down just so I'm sure lol
PlasticSnakeVeryFake@reddit
Connect, emote, be spontaneous, find joy, lead the day stepping alongside someone else (ex partner for these reasons) I would hope he'd find these things for our daughter. I worry about her lack of connection from him everyday.
anonnynonnymus@reddit
My great grandparents got married at 16/17 and lived into their late 90’s. When my great grandfather passed, my great grandmother couldn’t do anything outside of house care. She couldn’t drive, didn’t know how to pay the bills, mow her yard, anything. My cousin ended up moving in with her to help her get everything in order. She ended up passing 8 months later. Some souls just aren’t meant to be apart for very long.
Working_Bench_6780@reddit
Me and the wife do most things. We both cook and clean. I clean the oven as I enjoy taking it to bits and cleaning everything. We both clean the washing machine. I can but don't iron clothes. I do all the gardening and look after both cars but she has learnt to check her tires and top up the screen wash.
The only bit she would be lost for a bit with is the bills as I've always dealt with it. But to be honest as long as the pension and life insurance pay out , then she'll be fine as the bills sort themselves.
Mainly we would just miss each other. In our 40s now and after 21 years together we'd be lost without each others company
MonsieurJag@reddit
All the utility bills, car/house/travel insurances, Adblue in the car, wifi settings, quite possibly the cost of living grocery-wise because food just 'appears' like with the Hobbits in LoTR that have a prepensity to provide full meals in the middle of nowhere (but there's lots of be rushing around to the butcher, baker, Waitrose, Asda happening in the background with some form of complex mental algorithms! 😂)
Anagram404@reddit
Value the “crap” I have. Luckily I have good friends who know the value of my items and where to sell.
baby_oopsie_daisy@reddit
My other half would struggle a lot with the basics; cooking, cleaning being the main ones.
We've been together almost 20 years and apart from the standard cleaning tasks like washing up, hoovering and changing the bed he hasn't done any other cleaning duties .... I don't think he's ever cleaned the bathroom, oven, windows, skirting or dusted. I'm not sure if he knows how to use our washing machine (We've had it about a year)
He's not the most domesticated so I think the flat would go to pot fairly quickly.
He's also not a confident cook so would end up airfrying chicken or living off of ready meals.....I guess he would pass away fairly quickly too after I go
DryJackfruit6610@reddit
In 20 years?! WTF.
foxontherox@reddit
Oh, geez, a whole lot! But he’s clever, he’d get it sorted.
I remember living with my grandad after my grandma passed, and he was utterly hopeless, but he got the hang of most things eventually.
Greendeco13@reddit
Not clean the filter in the dishwasher
NuisancePenguin44@reddit
I don't think he knows there's a filter in the hoover that needs cleaning regularly
Ornery_Pipe_9243@reddit
Turn off the lamp with Alexa instead of the switch 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩
EfficiencyRecent4528@reddit
I worry my partner would struggle with the financials of life. I work in finance, I’m the highest earner by far and I just get on and deal with all the financial organising. He’d have big payouts from my work and pension that would pay off the mortgage with money left over but because I’ve always done the organising I’m not sure he’d know where he was with everything. Maybe I should make some notes.
Spikyleaf69@reddit
My husband is legally blind so cannot drive and he sometimes misses bits when he hoovers & cleans but he would be fine in most areas. Banking he would struggle with maybe as he can't see the information but I'm sure he would work it out.
I had a friend who's husband new he was dying and he had to show her how to do everything, she had never put petrol in the car, never paid a bill, never been shopping without him. It was a tough learning curve for her after he passed.
Mountain_Evidence_93@reddit
Suck a willie
Lumpy-Mountain-2597@reddit
How to manage the WiFi. Change the car oil. Unblock drains. Fix the fence. Mend any electronics. Replace roof tiles. Wire up a plug or reset the RCD. Patch up plaster. Lift a floorboard. Remove a radiator. Change or inflate a tyre. Make good lasagne. Replace a tap washer. Fix the toilet seat and loads more. But she's intelligent and she has Google... so she'll figure it out just like I did.
Zutsky@reddit
The household stuff - yes as we split everything (housework, bills etc.) 50/50 and have a joint account for bills and mortgage. We have a shared Google drive folder with life insurance documents, things like solicitors letters relating to our house purchase, and mortgage documents etc.
I'm less confident that he would know how to organise a funeral and deal with all the admin of when someone dies. I've sadly had to go through it twice with immediate relatives, but he hasn't. However, I felt I didn't know what the hell I was doing the first time and got through it so I'm sure he would work it out.
Also, the Gov.uk has a really useful page on 'What to do when someone dies'.
Crochetqueenextra@reddit
My husband would die of hunger in about 3 days with a dirty bottom unless I'd just restocked the loo roll. I would die of thirst as I haven't made tea or fetched a glass of water in twenty years.
Riskit_4_Biscuits@reddit
I don't know because she's a great housewife. But I have left her a book with all my passwords, accounts etc so she doesn't have to stress.
When my Mum died last year at 62, I thought my Dad would crumble. Two days after her terminal diagnosis, she had him in the kitchen, whipping his ass over lasagna and spag bols. My Dad had never cooked a real meal in his life. She also stock piled laundry tablets and I think, a year on, we still have some he hasn't used yet!
He has a clean 2 bedroom home, bulk cooks meals and even makes me little vegetarian ones to freeze for when I visit, he washes his clothes, changes beds, and keeps the house lovely.
I just look after all his bills and money for him because he's dyslexic and can't do technology. Although he does have a smartphone now because he's partially sighted and he talks to it to do things. He is an incredible man ❤️
lkjw104@reddit
Your dad sounds awesome. My mum also got a terminal diagnosis and became suddenly disabled 3 years ago and my dad still hasn’t cleaned their house once. I used to stay with them for 2 weeks a month and do all the cleaning but I just had a baby so I had to hire them a cleaner :/
Riskit_4_Biscuits@reddit
Thank you. I'm so proud of him. I'm an only child so we tag teamed her end of life care.
I'm sorry to hear that. Are you in the UK? It may be worth speaking with social services to see if you can get her some support?
Gregarious-Feline@reddit
Why can’t your dad do it?
lkjw104@reddit
Trust me I’ve spent 3 years trying to get him to. He just doesn’t ‘see’ that it’s dirty apparently. He’s in his mid 70s and he won’t change his ways
Gregarious-Feline@reddit
That’s really infuriating, hope you and your family can work out a solution that doesn’t involve you pulling your hair out!
TheHeianPrincess@reddit
My partner has three children and is an actual, self sufficient adult, there’s not much he wouldn’t be able to do if I died. I helped sort his camper van out the other week, and offered a solution he hadn’t thought of, but if I wasn’t around, he would’ve just paid someone to do the same.
Whereas my ex’s dad didn’t know how to feed himself when his wife left him. He had about three recipes memorised from his time in the RAF, and went from having all three meals and snacks catered for, bought from M&S, to being amazed at the existence of Farmfoods for its cheapness and convenience.
Houseofsun5@reddit
Surely you all lived alone before you got partners or married and knew then how to do all the things ?
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
Nope! Both of us, 20+21, lived at home then got a rented house together, then bought a house together.
I got brought up in a home with a mother who was ill, so I got brought up having to do most stuff. He was brought up in a household where his mum did pretty much everything. So when we got together, I pretty much just took over everything and ran the household as I knew what to do
Houseofsun5@reddit
Do you not think it would be wise to take the time to teach him this stuff, if you're concerned about him managing in the future? Set him up to be prepared rather than leave him to flounder around trying to figure it out himself should the worst situation arise.
Chance_Job3980@reddit
sounded like something his parents should've done
separatebaseball546@reddit
Yes, but you can't just the past. Having this attitude of 'not my problem' because they really ought to have known this by now (from their parents or not)' is just a disaster waiting to happen. Both chose to get together because they see something in the other person and should really face life as a team.
Chance_Job3980@reddit
they're an adult, they can probably pick it up by themselves.
separatebaseball546@reddit
I'm not arguing that, but don't you think a little encouragement goes a long way? We're not talking about roommates but potential life partners here, otherwise sure. If the slight idea of open communication and lifting your partner up by working together as a team even bothers you then you might as well call it quit before things get messier with a mortgage/kids, etc.
Chance_Job3980@reddit
there's a difference between encouragement and full on parenting someone
Houseofsun5@reddit
But they didn't and I think it's probably to late to move him back in with his parents for a few years of remedial studies.
rachy182@reddit
At some point they have to take responsibility for themselves and want to learn/ put effort into it. Not another thing where usually the woman has to teach the man to be a functioning adult.
Houseofsun5@reddit
It goes both ways, I don't think it's an entirely men thing failing to be able to complete basic tasks. I have seen women fail some real basic stuff during my 50 years, I have turned down no strings sex on the back of the state of their bedrooms and bathrooms!!...you can imagine how bad they must have been !!!
Catmom-101@reddit
This is unfortunately the problem, men growing up with their mothers doing everything for them and then meeting someone who just becomes their mother and continues to do everything for them for the rest of their lives. He’s an adult, every adult should be able to care for themselves.
LambonaHam@reddit
There's a whole lot of misandry on display in a lot of these comments.
Men know how to do all of these things. It's simply that they don't consider the effort required to do them as frequently to be worthwhile.
Chevalitron@reddit
To be fair, some of the stuff on the list, like tidying a fridge and locating mislaid toys are invented chores and not something that will cause the world to end if they're not done.
meinnit99900@reddit
Yeah I’m not a child I was a person before and I’d be a person after
These-Pollution9644@reddit
I was in hospital unexpectedly for four days. My partner watered all my artificial plants/forgot to do the real plants, dressed my son in pyjamas and forgot to feed the family hamster. He was stressed out. I dread to think if I was in longer/or dead. Am sure he would learn routine eventually, but initially he would probably have a breakdown first of some sort!
thefuturesbeensold@reddit
I am so privileged to have a partner who takes equal responsibility in looking after our family and household. I don't think there is many things he wouldn't know how to do in my sudden absence.
However, i do think our toddler may end up in some very questionable outfit choices.
JohnCasey3306@reddit
My wife, contrary to prevailing gender stereotypes, wouldn't have the faintest clue how to use the washing machine; load/empty the dishwasher; dry and fold away clothes; hoover or even tidy up anything ... She'd live in an ever-festering shit hole of her own making until the courts removed her from the house for spending every penny on bullshit instead of paying bills.
Yeah, it's going great.
a_lil_brownie_@reddit
Nothing.. except maybe living a little, he’s so routine driven and does what he needs to that he can sometimes forget to loosen up and live, laugh and let go. Same for me, if he went before me I would be so consumed by what needs to be done I would forget to have fun
We really only have each other in this big overwhelming world
diwalk88@reddit
Carry on living. I wouldn't know how to do that either.
Secure_Mission6931@reddit
My husband wouldn’t know how to use the washing machine, wouldn’t know how to pay for gas and electricity, wouldn’t know how to pay for council tax or his mobile or the internet. Wouldn’t know how to pay vehicle tax. Wouldn’t know how to keep up to date with our daughter’s school activities.
Friendly_Can_9388@reddit
That’s why sometimes husbands of widows find a second wife quick smart.
Gold-Collection2636@reddit
I don't think I can think of anything...if he dies first though I'm screwed 😅
badgerkingtattoo@reddit
I worry she wouldn’t know how much my Warhammer collection is worth.
jamesbest7@reddit
This is a rough one! Because you can’t tell her now, or might have to stop spending so much money on it. Catch 22.
jamesbest7@reddit
I thought child marriage was illegal here!?
How old is your husband? He wouldn’t realize he needs to tidy up, clean the toilet, or put the washing machine on!?
separatebaseball546@reddit
It's shocking reading the comments here. How do some of you even get partners to begin with not knowing how to do the most basic life admin?
emrivs93@reddit
My husband wouldn't have any idea about the finances. Thank god everything is direct debit so he wouldn't lose electricity immediately 🤣 I have money squirreled away in various savings accounts, and he'd have no idea how to access them. His parents do a 'death doc' every year detailing where all the money is and how to get to it - I should probably do the same 🤔
DefinitelyARealHorse@reddit
“If”? Have you not quite come to terms with your own mortality?
BronnOP@reddit
Anyone replying here saying that their husband “doesn’t know” how to make a packed lunch or clean a toilet or wipe down the kitchen counters has been conned.
You think, you genuinely think, your husband doesn’t know how to pick up a cloth and move his hand forwards and backwards? And you married this man?
Confuseduseroo@reddit
As an executor to an estate let me say this:
Do not set up auto-renewal on any subscription, ever - with the possible exception of car insurance, but remember you have done it!
Always demand paper statements from your bank.
Make sure there's a file somewhere which gives details of whatever assets & accounts you have.
Also make sure there's a file somewhere with all the passwords - but keep them separate!
I shudder to think how many millions are sitting in paperless accounts which will simply vanish into the banks' pockets when the owner dies as nobody else knows it's there. No wonder the banks are pushing us all to go paperless.
Ordinary-Squash-6358@reddit
As men we can clean but we dont care as much as women do
nayfurn@reddit
On any sort of day out having to hold their own stuff because their outfit has no pockets
klmarchant23@reddit
We sit every Monday and go through the weekly budget, once a month we cover and big changes to the bills and once every 6 months we make sure we have a list of suppliers like car insurance etc so we both know who we’d need to contact.
Sepa-Kingdom@reddit
I couldn’t get into the loft. I’m genuinely not tall enough to pull the loft ladder down 😆
nonsequitur__@reddit
Sorry to hear about your sister, and glad your brother in law has found a way to deal with the practical side with the help of friends and family. Hope you, they and your nieces/nephews are okay.
pm_me_your_mole_rats@reddit
I have a document prepared for my partner in case she has to deal with things alone for any length of time. Stuff like what day the bins go out, who our energy/broadband suppliers are etc. I think she would be fine with the day to day but as soon as there was an emergency or an issue I worry she wouldn't know what to do. Occasionally I'll ask her things like if she remembers where the water/gas shut off valves are just to make sure
MoonmoonMamman@reddit
Not myself, but my dad. He literally doesn’t know the first thing about the family finances, like which financial services they have savings and investments with. He also doesn’t really eat until late at night, and he often won’t bother unless prompted, nor will he take pills unless told to do so. I’m not worried about him being on his own though because (much as a I hate to think about this at all) I think he will pass before my mother does. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to outlive her.
buginarugsnug@reddit
My husband is very good with most things and always on top of things, but I do think he would struggle with all the admin that comes with death. I manage our savings and credit cards and while I don’t think he would struggle to keep that up, he wouldn’t be searching for the best deals he would just stick with where it already is.
BigDumbGreenMong@reddit
Married with three kids. I've put together a couple of documents in case I die, and made sure she knows about them:
One has all the household tech support and Dad Job type things - logins, passwords, details of how stuff works (Wifi, Nest heating, ring doorbell, streaming logins) and I keep adding to it every time I have to sort out an issue that I think me wife would struggle with if I wasn't around.
The other one is just basic financial and logistical stuff in the event of my death - HR contact at work, details of my pension, death in service cover, and whatever savings/investment accounts I have that will pass to her.
No_Watercress8348@reddit
There was an elderly man at my church who’s wife died and he didn’t even know where his socks were kept as she had been laying out his clothes every morning for 40+ years 😭
Suluco87@reddit
My partner and I talked about this. A couple of years ago we had a serious conversation as this was going to be a possibility and we went through everything. The thing we realised was a support structure for them was going to be the thing that was the struggle. Neither of us have family and if the worst would have happened (thank you NHS that it didn't) they would be alone without a consistent source of help with everything that came afterwards.
cantevenmakeafist@reddit
Getting my cat in the carrier is a two person job, so that would be very hard solo.
Everything else we'd be able to muddle through,
trulycantbearsed@reddit
Everything! He can make toast, but usually burns that because it’s not a pop up toaster.
MrRWhitworth@reddit
That I existed 🤷🏻♂️
Zorolord@reddit
My partner wouldnt have a clue, as shes intellectually disabled (i mean you'd have to be to put up with me) ive advised her upon my death that she calls adult services, as she wouldnt have a clue where to start. She'd privately be extremely upset too, she doesnt get over loss easily.
ILoveMyCatsSoMuch@reddit
I wouldn’t know how to do financial stuff either, never paid a bill, my husband takes my wages and does it all (I’m not being financially abused he let’s me buy whatever I want).
Streathamite@reddit
How kind of him…
1Marmalade@reddit
I tell my wife regularly that if I died nothing would irritate me more than her not filing to receive the million dollar life insurance. I then remind her where the documents are each year the bill arrives.
If she died I’d worry as children would outgrow their clothes and that I’d find it hard to keep track of their activities. Christmas and birthdays would also suffer.
Streathamite@reddit
Million dollar? This is AskUK
YouIntSeenMeRoight@reddit
Wife would be fine without me apart from resetting the WiFi. And printing emails out
CallsHerselfPerditaX@reddit
He would absolutely have known what to do if it had been me that died. It's me that's a bit lost. He might have missed a bill or a subscription, and that's it.
The financial stuff was always my job but everything else was shared.
It's the things that need 2 of us that I'm having trouble with. Having to be both Mum and Dad is tough. Having to make all the tough decisions is hard.
He definitely would have coped. I'm coping because I have to.
formerlyfed@reddit
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’re doing a great job ❤️
CallsHerselfPerditaX@reddit
Thank you x
YourLittleRuth@reddit
My husband would have no problem with the post-death practicalities, and I’ve made a list of what to do with things like my yarn and my earrings. He would have no problem continuing to do laundry, vacuuming, etc. He would struggle a bit with cooking—I’m a ‘freestyle’ cook, I buy ingredients and see what I fancy cooking. He’d pretty soon subscribe to one of the recipe delivery services, though, and is perfectly capable of cooking when he has a recipe.
He’d probably abandon the garden, and most importantly, he might not be able to socialise very much if I didn’t provide those opportunities.
I’d struggle more, overall. I can do household chores, but computer problems and opening jars would defeat me.
GiftedGeordie@reddit
Not my partner, but I worry that I'll be the one that'll be lost without my parents. It's honestly my biggest fear in my life.
tweaked9107@reddit
I'm confident my wife would be a success without me. They'd be some bumps in the road with figuring out some of the home maintenance stuff, but even that she'd figure out.
Not that it really matters though. We have a suicide pact. Whoever goes first, the other has to off themselves.
BigOptrex@reddit
Same, but I'm not really going to do it.
(I'm going to have to clarify this: It isn't a pact; she has said she would kill herself if I died and I said 'Oh. You really shouldn't. I'm not going to.')
BigOptrex@reddit
Without someone here to wipe down the chopping board she'll probably follow me to the afterlife via food poisoning fairly quickly.
ngstji@reddit
Water the plants, run the washing machine, change a plug fuse, adjust the central heating, take the bins out, defrost the freezer, change the Brita jug filter, mow the lawn, trim the hedge… it’s a pretty long list.
It’s not that she couldn’t work out how to do most of those things, but she never has had to, and it won’t occur to her that some of them even need doing.
Intrepid_Bearz@reddit
I’m a full time carer for my husband. If I died, I’d have to hope a care home takes him in. He has no family or friends left that will deal with him, and my family don’t want anything to do with him. So I’m all he’s got. Honestly it’s the biggest worry I have.
Scatterheart61@reddit
My situation is complicated, I live with the father of my children, we are technically still married but not together. Made some pretty stupid choices while young and ended up with a grown man as an extra child apparently. What's that saying - when someone shows you who they really are - believe them? Yeah, anyway he is utterly useless, and I wasted too many years trying to get him to actually help with anything, so now I try to have no expectations of help and pretty much just get on with it whilst biding my time until we can get out of this situation. The thought of 'what would he do if I wasn't here?' has occurred often in different situations, and I did start to worry about what would happen with the children if I died or ended up in hospital for an extended period.
So I started writing stuff down. From the complicated 'this is what you need to do if I die, these are people to contact, these are my account details' etc, to the utterly basic 'x doesn't like these foods, y has these afterschool clubs, z's best friends are a&b - here are their parents numbers, pet 1 needs walking 2x a day, his favourite walks are a&b, pet 2 won't eat this food - buy this one'. Basically every time I do something and think 'would he do this if I wasn't here?' I write it down.
Now I have a little folder with sections- 1. Me. what to do if I die, funeral info, what to do with my stuff, logins/details for accounts and what to do with them, friends/family contact info etc. 2. A section for each child - first page all the essential info, then extra info that isn't necessarily essential but would hopefully help keep their lives as stable and familiar as possible if he actually read and followed it. 3. A section for pets (similar to the kids pages but shorter). First page essential info (all 3 fit on 1 page), then a page for each one. 4. House - again essential info first - electrics, boiler, deeds, insurance etc. Then things like regular maintenance that needs to be done, cleaning, how to work certain appliances etc
yorkspirate@reddit
This thread is quite depressing, I can't believe There's so much weaponised incompetence and so many enablers
MillyMcMophead@reddit
We didn't get together until we were in our late forties so we both came into the relationship fully house trained which is wonderful.
I've no time for a man who won't share the boring domestic jobs.
Successful-Theme2548@reddit
My partner doesn't know that the toilet seat is detachable and can be removed for better cleaning.
Financial_Excuse_429@reddit
My dad had a folder with all information regarding his money, pension, military pension etc. with contact addresses, phone numbers etc. It helped my mum immensely. My mum has also done the same now. I should get my ass in gear & follow suit. You never know.
cgknight1@reddit
The Internet would switch back quickly to whatever out of the box crap an ISP sends you rather than current unifi plus access points plus pihole.
Otherwise she was independent before me and would be afterwards.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
And she probably wouldn't care about the internet, most people manage fine with out of the box solutions.
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
You can manage but having adverts everywhere is just a worse experience.
I also have a large library of music and some video that can be played on anything with VLC or most other media players over the LAN, she wouldn't know how to keep that running or to add to it.
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
Mine would struggle the moment she gets a new phone and can't remember the Wi-Fi password. We changed it to a few different words that followed a theme (like rosemarythymesage) and she can roughly remember some of them but not the order and often gets a different one in there too.
Also not sure what she would eat as I do all the cooking.
gazmbuku@reddit
I'm a heating engineer and work in people's homes and I constantly speak to widows who don't understand the boiler controls for example. That conversation usually leads to "i thought he was a useless bugger but it turns out he did loads I didn't know about".
sanehamster@reddit
From personal experience
How my Father-in-Law ordered his prescriptions, and who his optician and dentist were. (He was already getting a bit vague)
Location of various domestic/kitchen objects
Phone numbers for tradesmen.
But because my late wife had been ill for some time I'd taken up most stuff. A sudden death or shorter illness would have been worse.
And of course, figuring out how and why to live alone after many years.
MoonlightByWindow@reddit
reading through this thread provides a helpful insight into why more and more women are saying no to marriage lmfao
meinnit99900@reddit
honestly it’s making me miserable seeing the women like oh he does absolutely fucking naff all but he’s ok ha ha isn’t it so funny my husband can’t do anything!! no it’s not we’re all sad for you
MoonlightByWindow@reddit
there's a bloke a few comments below who says he would have to pass all the "woman's work" (verbatim) down to his daughter...how depressing is that
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
Hope she laughs and says no.
Interesting_Try8375@reddit
How did it take me so long to find someone when I can do all these things? I do all the cooking for us. Cleaning we usually split by room and I do pretty much all the gardening but she gives input on what she does/doesn't like. Mostly grow herbs.
Medium_Click1145@reddit
Eat healthily.
destria@reddit
I'm confident my partner could figure it all out. Sure there's stuff he doesn't do regularly but between his own brain, the internet and other support, I think he'd be absolutely fine.
What I worry about is the emotional side. I handle our social lives. I'm sure his friends would reach out but I worry he'd get overwhelmed and shut down. He's notoriously terrible at answering messages or remembering what our social engagements are. He's not open or vulnerable about how he's feeling and I think he'd prefer to pretend everything is fine when it's not. What he'd need is people to just show up at the door!
On a related note, I had a friend who lost her husband earlier this year. We were talking and she mentioned how he was supposed to teach her son swimming because he'd been a swimming coach in his youth. She can swim and she could take her son to lessons of course, but it's a painful reminder at the moment. I wonder if there will be things like that with my husband and child, like the promises you never got to fulfill and the life you had dreamed of being so different. :(
Tea_Total@reddit
The video recorder would forever be flashing eighty-eight minutes past eighty-eight. Luckily, technology advanced so now I think she'd be fine.
CoolExtreme7@reddit
Sad but worries me just how fucked my dad would probably be.
unbelievablydull82@reddit
My wife's very good at everything, but when I ask her for help cleaning, she prefers a project over general cleaning. If I ask her to help, and maybe start by doing a bit of a cleaning of the kitchen, she won't just do the washing up and surfaces, she'll start going through cupboards, the fridge etc. whilst I'm running around doing everything else, which means I end up wasting more time and energy.
MrBoggles123@reddit
My wife has chronic illness and disability that has worsened so although she'd know how to do all the household tasks, she wouldn't be physically capable of any of them. I handle all the finances as well but have a death folder and I know family would step in.
If it were reversed, I do everything anyway but nobody would ever get a birthday card again as I can never remember dates. I'd also struggle with dealing with anything to do with the kids emotions.
Rasty_lv@reddit
Honestly, knowing my wife, she will have problems with funeral things and her emotional wellbeing will be a mess. Rest she will figure out.
Oh, and spiders. She will not know how to get rid of them.
Inevitable-Fall-7107@reddit
Based on the last 10 years he wouldn't know where to find clean bedsheets. Even though I don't move where they are stored 😅.
But for everything else he'd be fine!
HelpDaren@reddit
My wife and I make an effort every day to involve each other in every important thing that affects both of us.
She know where the car's paper at, I know who's her boss, she has access to my bank app, I know who's our vet and how to reach them, and so on and forth.
We decided long ago not to leave things to chance and tried to make several emergency plans just in case anything happens to either of us.
That however, doesn't mean I'll know how to live without her if anything happens to her. She's quite literally my everything, all my decisions revolve around her, and whatever happens in our life we get through it together for almost 20 years now.
I just can't imagine not having her in my life anymore.
brokenbear76@reddit
None of the things you stated except one need to be done, you did them because that's how you think it should be done.
Your husband would cope just fine, and for most others in the comments, theirs would too - there's just a nasty fucking trope around that husband's are like children and add to the emotional load of woman as there is about women being control freaks hence why hubby is infantile.
All this shit needs to stop if men and women are truly to be treated equally
Livid_Painting2285@reddit
Fortunately I married a fully fledged adult who knows how to manage a house, money and a job without me needing to manage him.
The only thing he would need Google about is managing my fish tank, but that's only because it's my hobby and he doesn't do the cleanings (just feeding if I ask).
Previous_Estate5831@reddit
I think he would do the bare essentials and enjoy the life insurance money 🤣🤣🤣
BobbyNotches@reddit
When my father-in-law died, I was stunned when my m-i-l asked us to show her how to put the heating on in the house. She didn't know, she'd always asked him to do it. God knows what she would have done about sorting out their money, she didn't know anything about it.
Generational thing, I know, and we're very different, but it did make me make sure that I'd written down all the key stuff my wife would need to know about the things that I tend to look after.
LadyGreyT@reddit
My husband would possibly struggle with knowing where all our bills are set up. I have them set up to pay out of a bank account that we both send our share to. Since everything is paperless now, I suppose it'd take a bit of detective work to get into my accounts and figure out what companies we use.
For me, I'd never know how to use the technical stuff. My husband set up a network in our home and I just wouldn't understand any of it. I'd be fucked if I got a new anything and had to connect it to the WiFi. Everything technical in our home is connected to that and controlled via an app on his phone. Also, any ongoing diy job would never get finished if I were the one left behind.
I guess we don't know each others pension details or bank details and stuff. Tbh, I don't even remember his phone code and I'm not sure if he remembers mine. This whole post has been sobering.
TheGreatBatsby@reddit
If I died I think my wife would just subsist on jacket potatoes. If I'm out for the evening then that's what she always has, without fail.
At least the weekly shop would be cheaper.
broken-runner-26@reddit
Change a 3 pin plug.
Soixante-neuf-Dec@reddit
I think the only thing my wife would actually struggle with, is walking our dogs.
But then I guess she would outsource that.
lookhereisay@reddit
My husband and I both came straight from our family homes to live together. He’d done nothing growing up but that quickly stopped.
The house was would be cleaned, the bills paid and the food cooked as we do they together anyway. We split stuff to do with our son 50/50 as much as possible but I do take a bit more on as I work part time.
For him it would be keeping up with school stuff because there’s just so much of it but it would have to be a quick learning curve. For me I’d be useless at mowing the lawn as I’ve never got the knack of it.
I think we’d both not know what to do after bedtime without the other there.
anonynonnymoose@reddit
Use the hundreds of herbs, spices and seasonings I keep in the kitchen 😂
luala@reddit
My husband’s very competent domestically, it’s just the 6/12 monthly deep clean chores that he perhaps wouldn’t think to do. Taking the duvets and pillows to the laundrette to use the big drum, getting the dust bunnies from under the beds, stuff like that. But a lot of people male and female don’t do that stuff.
pyotia@reddit
God some of these responses are awful. My partner was 17 and I was 18 when we moved out. He didn't know how to use a washing machine. So I taught him. Am I the person in the house that does the laundry, yes. Is he physically capable of it, also yes. I might sort out all of the insurances etc but he could just go on my email and look it up... Do people not tell their partners what they've gotten up to that day?
pumpkin_smile@reddit
My husband is probably the person who pulls their weight more in the household chores, but I manage all the utilities and anything financial, I also manage most of the parenting and school/wrap around care, health and kids clubs.
With all our utilities and financials, he does have access, and we use the same passwords for our phones so he can access stuff if required. I've created spreadsheets of all our utilities with everything, including renewal dates. If anything were to ever happen to me, he knows the information is there and he has access to it.
The parenting mental load is where I think he'd struggle, trying to keep on top of schedules and when things are happening in their lives feels like a full-time job in itself at times.
Dizzy_Raccoon6701@reddit
My partner wouldn't know how to handle all the home insurance paperwork or bills.
bunnymama7@reddit
Life admin for kids, eg reconfirmation on childcare tax free account
LegoPandora@reddit
The only thing I think he would struggle with is repatriation, medical insurance, and where to start with that. We live overseas, he’s a trailing spouse. He does all of the housekeeping, sorts our finances out etc. etc. Knows where I work and who for. Knows my phone password. I know if anything happened to me, his parents are at the end of the phone and would be on a flight as soon as they could, to support.
I’ve just asked him this question. He said the same things. And that we really should look into funeral arrangements, wills etc.
Djinjja-Ninja@reddit
I've "smarted" our home. Every single lightbulb is connected to a little PC under the living room TV.
She can totally control it, but she has no idea how it actually works, because I have abstracted it all behind a home assistant setup that is linked to Alexa.
There's motion sensors that turn lights off and on automatically based on the outside light level, automations the turn light on just before dusk, open and close blinds, water the garden, the automatic things go on and on.
If anything goes wrong then she would have no idea how to even start working out how to fix it.
Luckily you can still turn the lights off and on with an actual light switch.
ColonelMoutarde30@reddit
I won't be able to work the washing machine.
Teaboy1@reddit
Its an easy win for some brownie points.
Stuff the clothes in, throw a pod in, put some conditioner in the draw and cycle the cycle thats usually called something like daily wash / normal. Let it run and when its done select the spin cycle. When thats done chuck it all in the dryer and hit go.
Someone will inevitably tell you to separate darks and lights but in my experience it doesn't really matter.
Isgortio@reddit
There's a drawer at the top, you put cleaning solution in one side and softener in the other, usually softener has a cute little flower logo next to it. Both tend to have a max line, you don't need to go anywhere near this. Close the drawer. Put clothes inside the washing machine, close the door. You may not need to separate clothes by colour, I never do. Turn on the washing machine, either with a button or turn a dial. They tend to have lots of modes, I go for "mixed", and then press "start". When it's finished, the door unlocks and you can either transfer to a tumble dryer (works similarly just no drawer for detergent, but there's one for the waste water that needs emptying every cycle, and clean out the lint filter usually at the base of the door! It's very satisfying to do) or hang it up on an airer or washing line.
Leave the washing machine door open for a few hours after use otherwise it all goes mouldy.
If you buy something new, wash it on its own just incase the dye runs out of it. Sometimes the colour will run for quite a few washes, this is how I've turned some silver guest bed sets into purple by washing them with a purple fitted sheet :D it's like brand new bedding!
If you're washing for a lot of people at once, then you can start separating by colours (white, light colours, dark colours) but if it's just you then chucking everything at once is usually alright (in my experience).
Towels don't need softener when you wash them.
Bras do not go into the tumble dryer especially if they have an underwire (the hard bit that goes under the boob) as it'll just cause the wire to poke out.
Some people may have different ways to do some of this but I asked my mum when I moved out and then found her method of different temperatures and separating things too time consuming so I just do everything together and haven't had any disasters other than that purple fitted sheet.
Maybe do a load or two, you'll win brownie points with your partner!
meinnit99900@reddit
you should’ve already learned that given you both presumably have clothes that need washing
krysus@reddit
Our somewhat-smart home - she can barely setup a new phone, let alone Google Mini's, Hive, Eufy cameras, wifi-enabled tumble dryer, etc.
Teaboy1@reddit
Wifi enabled dryer. That seems like an appliance to me that doesn't need a smart option. Are you not just turning it on once you've loaded it?
Teaboy1@reddit
She'd more than likely starve to death or develop scurvy or some other 15th century disease from lack of nutrients. Left to her own devices she would eat "Girl dinner" 3 times a day.
In all seriousness I do most of the household admin. Bills, mortgages, insurance, etc. She might struggle for 2 years until its all being renewed but she'd be perfectly capable.
doepfersdungeon@reddit
You wildly underestimate men if you think they can't work out everything you did in about an hour. Who do you think designed and built the washing machine and sofa. Don't confuse someone not wanting to do those things and not being able. Alot of men will play dumb to avoid l domestic chores. Running a houses finances is exponentially harder than running a washing machine. Not to downplay the effort you put in but it's not exactly rocket science. I assume you equally believe you would be capable of balancing the books if he died? Your sisters husband sounds a bit useless and also probably grief stricken and it would probably have been nice if he was a bit more involved with trlhe kids but if they had opted for cliche gender roles then so be it, thats not reflective of all men.
Sorry about your sister btw.
Astroradical@reddit
My girlfriend does so so much at work and at home: I'd be lost without her.
That said, I'm the one who plans, buys, and cooks the food, and she isn't confident at all with those things. I'm working on a recipe document so our favourites can be learned and passed on when I'm not there to cook.
No_Mood1492@reddit
Honestly, I love him but he wouldn't know how to do anything. I handle the logistics.
meinnit99900@reddit
sounds miserable to the rest of us
No_Mood1492@reddit
What works for some of us doesn't work for all of us, and I think it's important to remember that the main point of feminism is allowing women to live their lives as they please.
I know there's the trope of the downtrodden housewife, but I think it's actually sexist to assume that because I'm a woman handling all the logistics my relationship seems miserable.
We're both neurodivergent, I have autism and he has ADHD. He's bad with logistics because his brain is literally wired that way, whereas for me it's the opposite. I don't mind taking care of logistics because my brain will focus on that anyway, whereas I'm bad at typically "feminine" emotional connection, so he carries most of the weight for that part of the relationship.
theM0stAntis0cial@reddit
I've actually prepared for this in case something were to happen to me. We have a shared Dropbox that I put together when we bought our house that has the information for everything he would need to continue running life normally without my help. I hope he will never have to use it, but I didn't want to leave him without anything just in case.
Randy_The_Guppy@reddit
Turn the light off. Im hoping my life insurance pay out will help towards the energy bills.
gpt6@reddit
Crypto
kitknit81@reddit
Clean the tumble dryer filter, the washing machine drawer and filter, actually clean the bathroom properly (like not just wiping down the sink and toilet), knowing where anything actually is in the house, arranging literally anything home or car related like boiler checks, MOT, renewing car tax etc. he’s great but honestly if I didn’t do all the household management and proper cleaning we’d be in chaos and filth.
meinnit99900@reddit
so he does absolutely nothing and you still think he’s great? women will never be free
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
Pretty much the same here. He's good at cleaning, but only what is visible lol. I'll pull out the sofa, the shelves, clean under the rug etc lol There's lots of 'oh, where is this?' erm, under the stairs where it's sliced for the past 3 years, but surely you know that? Oh, yeah of course 🙄😂
Ok-Resolution-9328@reddit
My husband can do most things just not very well - he will wash the pots but there will still be food on them, do the laundry but not prioritise anything like school uniforms etc. Also I imagine general cleaning like the bathroom, bedsheets wouldn't even occur to him. Mostly where he'd struggle is with the food shopping as we have an autistic daughter who is extremely choosy with her food and there's been a few times he's done the shopping and bought things that she has refused loads of times or he'll get a different brand of something cos "its the same thing, right?" ( autism parents iykyk)
meinnit99900@reddit
I can’t lie this sounds fucking miserable
alphabettebahpla1@reddit
This sounds like weaponised incompetance. It sounds like he is deliberately doing an extremely poor job so you will just do it instead.
richneptune@reddit
My wife wouldn't know basic things needed to maintain the house. A few weeks ago I tried to explain how to turn on and off the main stop tap as we had a plumber coming around, she made it very clear that she had no interest in knowing. Same with the recycling content, I keep fishing things out of the bin and reminding everyone that the stuff they're putting in will make the waste contaminated so the bin men won't pick them up.
Nobody here gives any fucks and it's frustrating.
l52286@reddit
My parents shared everything so when my dad passed away it wasn't a big shock. However my mams friend won't cope without her husband he's does everything. Cleans , hangs the washing out, she can't even use the cash machine or TV remote ( not even kidding if he's asleep she will wake him up to change channel,) her daughter does their shopping so I don't think she will manage
UnusualLyric@reddit
I left and moved across the country when my mother died when I was 18. 9 months later, my dad and older brother phoned and asked me how to use the washing machine. It was not complicated, it had a dial!
I also never got a birthday present or christmas present again.
ElmolovesArchie@reddit
Put the salt in the water softer thing
Redditor274929@reddit
Nothing, I mean he's a grown adult and knows how to be one
englishsummer@reddit
Changing the batter for the door bell. I think I need to shower how to do it.
SparklePenguin24@reddit
Honestly he just wouldn't know how the kids lives function. I have the school apps on my phone. I transfer everything on to the calendar. So he knows that they happen. Music lessons. I arranged them. The invoices come to my email address. I pay for them. I make their social arrangements. I'm in group chats with people I dislike because they are the parents of the kids friends.
All of the house stuff he'll be fine. He cooks anyway. He knows how the washing machine works and we share the bills. Getting the car logbook changed would probably be the hardest part.
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I sort all the school stuff out, but he drives and I don't, so he takes him to them so I'm sure he'd remember.
He's a bloody good cook, so they'd not starve lol.
It's more the bills and finances, I sort all that out
SparklePenguin24@reddit
We both drive and I work closer to home and the clubs, so most of that stuff is on me.
wopsywoo@reddit
When my great nana died my great grandad was lost, he didn't know how to use a washer or cook a meal. Basic life skills were lost in him, I remember popping in and he was trying to cook new potatoes, he had the tin in the pan, and didn't think anything of it.
DIY, gardening, anything like that, he was a master, basic every day life was alien to him. My nana ended up cooking for him and doing his washing, he just couldn't grasp it.
Kim_catiko@reddit
I think my husband would be fine actually. I've been staying at my MILs this week and thought I would have to remind him to do certain stuff for our son, but he's actually done it, so more fool me on that front.
I'd be fucked on the DIY front though. DIY isn't my strong point.
Icy_Tip405@reddit
Not my partner, but my parents they don’t understand online shit at all. I deal with all of if. I worry if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, they would be lost in this online world
Cute-Preparation-834@reddit
Yup I would be lost without the wife all the woman's work would be i supposed passed down to my daughter I'd probably have to get her to leave school to do all the chores otherwise the cats would starve etc and if I died she'd be lost on things life critical thinking,what's happening in a movie,anything thats ever happened in history etc
wonderingdragonfly@reddit
When the kids were at home, I made a Control Journal with contact info for doctors, dentists, schools, veterinarian, insurance, etc. He has shown me all our financial folders and I have our financial advisor’s number (and a couple of hubs’ best friends) in my phone, and I know the passcode to his phone. I think we’re ok from a practical standpoint.
shuggy895@reddit
Clean the filter in the hoover. Stuff like that.
Flip the switch? I'll be useless.
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
My poor Hetty would burst at the seams before he'd realised he'd have to change the bag!
Danglyweed@reddit
My husband would be much the same, it would be probably one of our kids that remind him mum sticks the filter in the machine.
Perpetua1confusionn@reddit
Me and my partner are both men and we both know how to do household tasks/pet care and alternate depending on our schedules... I wouldn't live with anyone who didn't know how to do the bare minimum to survive / run a house. And there's really no excuse either, we moved in together at 17 and neither of us knew the first thing about being adults. But we learned!
Ithfifi@reddit
When my father died a few years ago, somewhat suddenly (as in we even had a gas tank fitted for him to fine home) my mum managed better than she thinks. Dad had always done the big jobs around the house and was incredibly clever in various skills. Mum struggled with things like heating or appliances going wrong, but as for keeping the house going, it was what she knew. I'm very proud of her and both me, sister and her neither do what we can. They had a great dynamic that way, but it's one-half of a puzzle.
My fiancé knows what to do and can jobs I can't. There's maybe a few i know that he doesn't. I think he'd be okay for the most part, but I think motivation would be the key factor.
HighlightAmbitious84@reddit
Renew home insurances, clean, cook, gardening , laundry.
blackcurrantcat@reddit
If I was gone but looking in it would wind me up that he wouldn’t wash things up right, like the washing up is obviously glasses, mugs, plates, cooking items with the chopping board first, utensils which have been soaking at the bottom the whole time and then once the ‘human’ things are done the cat bowls are washed. I would haunt the sink.
MiddleAgeCool@reddit
You need a death book.
Basically a manual that has all the things your partner should know if you die. My includes usernames and passwords to utility companies. Step by step instructions on how to reset the wifi router. Bank details. Car details.
All the things she doesn't do but would have to.
Disclaimer: She doesn't do any of these because she's happy for me to do it. She's added stuff for the things she looks after that I would need to deal with if she goes first.
No-Weather-3220@reddit
My hubby wouldn't struggle with anything but I would if he died
Live_Bag_7596@reddit
He would struggle whit the paperwork, even the basic stuff.
CryptographerRich277@reddit
What bins need to go out
Squeak_Stormborn@reddit
My fiance would be okay. But he wouldn't thrive.
He wouldn't push himself, take care of himself, or prioritise himself like I do. He doesn't need me, but he needs me.
Honestly, I think I'd be exactly the same.
repticular@reddit
He'd have to create his own Paypal and Ebay accounts instead of asking me to order stuff for him. I dread to think how long it would take for him to vacuum the floors. Other than that, he'd get by.
freckledotter@reddit
My husband doesn't really understand insurance and wouldn't know how to pay any bills. Or do any of the other life admin.
And he definitely doesn't know that the tumble dryer has a filter. All the washing would shrink. Not sure he knows the dishwasher has a filter either.
Jacktheforkie@reddit
My Nan needs assistance now because she can’t drive
shiksappeal@reddit
My condolences on losing your sister
Bethsticle@reddit (OP)
Thank you X it means a lot x
unalive-robot@reddit
Not waste money.
Sea_Praline_6343@reddit
Me and my husband have traditional roles. However, we have always have a moto where we set each other 'up for success', should something unexpected happen. Mine is more home based things and his, financial. It is mere instructional, with some inside jokes thown in, but would see each other through a rocky patch with at least a road map.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister, OP.
kathrynel1@reddit
He would probably never change his toothbrush head, but other than that, he does all the housework as I am still working and he is retired . He would be fine.
insertitherenow@reddit
Anything to do with the house alarm, resetting the internet, washing machine and dryer filters, actually using the washing machine properly, knowing where to turn off any utilities if needed to, boiler pressure stuff and cooking. She knows where the vac is now though.
PinkandTwinkly@reddit
Order from our local Chinese.
He hates the website, I have to do it (even if I'm at work and he's home and hungry)
Domb18@reddit
I’d struggle with the school stuff mostly. I sort the bills, so my wife would probably struggle with that that as and when I go.
Pink_Flash@reddit
You guys have partners?
😭
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Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
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