Dealing with aging parents
Posted by AwkwardPersonality36@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 74 comments
Hi Xennials, I come to you for advice.
How are we keeping our cool and giving grace to our aging parents when something as simple as a conversation isn’t so simple anymore? I’m feeling irritated and frustrated, despite slowing down my speech; over explaining things and even repeating myself.
No signs of dementia, just getting “old” — also simple things that used to be a non-issue are now a whole huge deal. Example — my parents are driving in to visit me from out of town. I asked if they can pick up an envelope on their way out (it’s a small town, a few blocks away, on their way out) and it’s a “oh my gosh” “I don’t know” “what time and how” a huge ordeal to manage to organize a time and day — something as simple as that never used to be an issue. If it is, they probably shouldn’t be driving anywhere! It could be anything; having someone drop something off to them would be just as 😵💫
I feel like my parents get overwhelmed by the smallest of things lately. They can’t carry conversations well, and I don’t know how to handle it graciously and patiently as I should.
I see other people my age (and older) with parents who are so much more…normal? Capable? Not “old”? And I wonder how and why my own let themselves get so out of touch with reality despite still working, driving and maintaining their independence (well, I might add) and not having dementia etc. I feel like they just leaned into the “we’re old” and it’s led them into this whole, actually being old.
It makes me feel so bad when I catch myself rolling my eyes on the phone with my mom, or shaking my head at something so trivial that’s a huge deal to them — even though I know they are aging and I’m doing my best to be patient.
Sorry, I have no where else to vent to or ask advice. I’m sure I’m not the only one experiencing this. They are in their early to mid 70’s. No health issues, etc.
Shaydee_plantz@reddit
My dad is late 60s and after a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, is definitely showing signs of dementia. Him and I play video games together and it’s SO frustrating. I find myself being short with him and getting frustrated when he can’t remember something I said five minutes ago. Or can’t figure something out in the game that he’s done countless times. We don’t get very far in the game at ALL anymore and it’s so sad that we can’t hold a conversation. He doesn’t sleep well and his symptoms are so much worse when he’s tired. I try to convince him to take a nap, the game can wait, etc. but he’s so stubborn and refuses.
I’ve voiced my concerns but he gets offended and he’s a Trumper with zero trust in modern medicine or doctors so he won’t get help.
I feel your pain and frustration.
anOvenofWitches@reddit
Aging brain is at its worst when it’s tired— and not eating regularly. If he won’t nap, I’d suggest anti-inflammatory snacks throughout the day. Avocado, salmon, quinoa, etc.
Shaydee_plantz@reddit
I’ll mention that to him. Thanks!
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
This is my dad, stubborn and won’t do anything to help himself. Instead of going for a walk and keeping himself active, he’s let himself get to the point of having hip issues. Can’t walk far. Can sit long. Won’t go see a doctor because surgery might be an option and he’s too old to fuck with that, so why bother? It’s not fun to stand by and watch but you know it’s senseless to argue. I joked over the phone today with my mom, “do you even listen to me anymore or is this just the beginning signs of dementia” and she basically quipped back “I’m not going to stay on the phone and listen to your abuse” — like no mom, it’s just that bad that I can’t hold a normal convo with you anymore and you don’t even realize it. And every conversation leaves me asking myself AITA
Shaydee_plantz@reddit
How do people handle this? I also feel bad for feeling so frustrated. I’m following your post for answers!
It’s so weird how things go full circle. Now they’re the ones that need to be tended to. 😕
pilates_mama@reddit
I just moved in with my mom early 70s no major health issues. She retired last September and I swear she has changed since and moving towards "old person". She's been increasingly just rigid and judgmental with my kids and I. It's been a stressful situation why I am here and she's helped a ton but all of a sudden we're here trying to settle in and it's like she wants to fight over little things or for me to do everything her way and if we don't, she's calling me resentful and i am just like 🫠 Let alone her judgment on my dating post divorce.. I am so grateful for her but wow she never was this way with me before. We've always been different but she used to give me space literally and emotionally/mentally.
azure-vapors@reddit
I ended up moving in with mine because of ... circumstances (it's humiliating for me to even admit because i had an amazing dream job in NYC, and now i don't) and now I'm care-taking. It's a lot, I didn't expect it to happen so suddenly either. It's a good thing we actually like each other, but, I have resentment. I saw what my mom went through with her parents' dementia. I'm scared. I too went from being irritated by their "acting too old for their age" to researching, counseling, arranging medical appointments, etc. Both our dogs died 6 months apart in the last 7 months compounding the heaviness; everything changed so much so fast. just be grateful, i guess. they're not going to be around forever.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
I try so hard to remember this. Every single time I speak with them. Or see them.
I lost my husband 7 years ago when he was 38, and I lost my brother 2 years ago when he was age 39. I know it’s a blessing to age. But it’s still hard to watch my parents “age” like this when others their age are so much more capable it seems. For example, my partner is 12 years younger than I. His grandfather is the same age as my dad. And you would think his grandfather is in his 60’s — he’s active, he dances three times a week, walks 10K a day, winters in Mexico, travels the country all summer….my dad? Can’t even walk around the block — won’t — and has no hobbies except CNN 24/7.
I’m sorry for your circumstances. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be on top of it all, living with them can’t be easy with the caretaking too.
Green_343@reddit
Lifestyle differences become more and more apparent on the outside as we age. My dad won't walk around the block either - he wouldn't do his PT after a recent surgery. Your partner's grandfather is a great reminder to get out and be active now!...so that we can be active in our 70s.
shinysquirrel220701@reddit
At least it’s CNN instead of Fox”News”
the_balticat@reddit
Or Newsmax 😵💫
anOvenofWitches@reddit
This is my exact situation. Some mutual resentment initially from both parties at having to live together, but I’m now kind of organically evolving into Caretaker. My friends all say I’ll do great at it but I hate the word/concept. I consider myself blessed that my mom is someone I’d want to be friends with, even if we weren’t related. Her decline is going to be exponentially more difficult for me than my dad’s.
Glass-Marionberry321@reddit
Wow same. Was in NYC and moved 800 miles away to help my sister with our mom. I am at my wits end and sometimes wonder if she is legit losing her mind. And all the day long fox news...any news all day is frustrating. I am trying hard to lean into the light and positivity, but it's hard.
Pierson230@reddit
Dealing with less capable aging parents just flat out sucks. Especially when they managed to get through life without becoming high functioning adults.
I got to the point where I loved my parents, but I didn't like them much. There were too many things to be resentful about, and there was no way of avoiding the endless work involved in caregiving.
It got easier after my dad died, but I fear my mom will be hit by dementia soon, and I am selfishly fearful of all the work that is going to entail.
I use my parents as an example of why I need to make sure I continue to try to eat healthier, exercise more, maintain my wonderful marriage, manage my finances effectively, and keep my career options flexible. Also, to not sit there like an idiot and allow myself to be brainwashed by propaganda.
I try to get what I can out of interactions with my mom, and have some compassion for myself. I long ago turned my visits into to-do list exercises, where we write down shit that needs to be done, and I do a little and delegate a little each week. At least that keeps my mind occupied so I don't need to subject myself actively to the mind-torturing and emotionally painful conversations without a distraction.
I think being clear on what you're accepting responsibility for, and what that entails, can get you to a place of acceptance with the whole situation. I am fortunate in that despite my parents' shitshow of a marriage and poor management of many things in life, they both were loving people who often directed love my way. And they did help me in so many ways, that I wouldn't be where I am without them. So I do have some significant feeling of giving back, and of gratitude, to help keep the resentment at bay.
That's the cocktail you need to mix. Keep finding ways to bring in love, gratitude, and clear acceptance of responsibility to balance out the drink, because the resentment will come on its own.
Also, if you haven't yet, get their will revised. Make sure you gain granular awareness of their finances and that they open their eyes to the implications of everything going on. Get clear medical power of attorney, and clear DNR instructions, ASAP. When my dad was dying, having all that sorted out and buttoned up was tremendous relief. We had to decide to not put him on ventilation, and because he expressed his desires clearly in writing, my mom, my sister, and I were able to quickly honor his wishes, without any family-destroying debate.
Good luck friend
Ok_Relation6929@reddit
Ask simple questions about they’re lives over casual conversation, listen, observe their verbals and non verbals and take mental notes. Write those notes down when you’re alone and make a quick assessment vs. their baseline.
Repeat the process regularly over the span of a couple of months and you’ll get a better idea of where they are at, and you’ll feel better for doing something clinical to understand them. Good luck!!
HallucinogenicFish@reddit
“How are we keeping our cool and giving grace to our aging parents when something as simple as a conversation isn’t so simple anymore?”
Not well. My dad and I wound up screaming at each other last week. FWIW, we have never had the kind of relationship where that was a thing that happened…but now that cognitive decline is in the mix it’s a whole new ballgame.
The easiest thing to do is not to correct him so he doesn’t get upset, and if it’s something unimportant that’s okay! It doesn’t really matter if he thinks it’s Thursday instead of Tuesday, or August instead of July. But when his confusion could result in him or someone else getting hurt, you can’t just let it ride.
I really need to work on not getting frustrated and yelling back, though. It’s hard because he’s pretty deaf so I’m generally about three-quarters of the way to shouting already.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Ugh yes. My mom is partially deaf in one ear so I am used to repeating and I feel so terrible when I lose my patience having to repeat myself or talk pronounced, and she corrects me saying “it’s not my fault I can’t hear you”
SeasonPositive6771@reddit
Hearing loss can absolutely aggravate dementia and cognitive decline. The best thing to do is to get a hearing aid and have them wear it as often as possible.
the_balticat@reddit
Please tell me dad this. He got the fancy hearing aids but rarely uses them 😞
Astrazigniferi@reddit
Can she get a hearing aid? Because it actually is her fault that she can’t hear you if there is a tool she could be using that she is refusing to get. I don’t know if they’re helpful for all types of hearing loss, so she may still be right, but it’s worth asking the question.
All of my grandparents refused to get hearing aids out of misguided pride or refusal to acknowledge the aging process or something. My dad has promised that he’ll just get and wear the damn hearing aids when it’s time. Who cares if he needs hearing aids, other than the people talking to him?
To your original question about keeping your cool and giving them grace, a big part of it is just acceptance. My grandma used to drive my dad nuts. He’s get off the phone with his mom so frustrated he was practically breathing fire. Then, he realized that she had dementia. It wasn’t about him, it wasn’t something she was doing on purpose. So he stopped trying to argue with her and just listened to her complaints, told her what was going on with us even when she didn’t really listen, stopped trying to correct her. Just accepted what relationship she could offer at face value and was much happier for it.
This is the way your parents are right now. It’s hard when it feels like we could change things if they’d only listen to us, but they’re not going to. Maybe it’s the early stages of dementia, maybe it’s reluctance to leave their comfort zone, maybe it’s Fox News fearmonger brainrot, maybe it’s the stress of losing your brother. They’re adults living their own choices with their own reasons. Remember that it’s about them, not you, so don’t take it personally. Take a step back if you need to, but the attitude shift may be all you need for some fresh perspective. I’m sorry that it hurts so much.
anOvenofWitches@reddit
My mother received a “mild cognitive impairment” diagnosis 2 months ago (I don’t say “dementia” because I remember “demented” as an 80s recess epithet). Avoid direct questions. Return them to the topic at hand with physical touch. I’m also looking into those Skylight calendars because while they’re marketed to “I’m a busy working mom with active kids” types, I feel there are solid applications to improving the quality of a senior’s life.
Babyspiker@reddit
Just throw them in the trash.
elphiekopi@reddit
Have they had any stressful events lately? My mother became like this for quite some time after her husband passed away. I work in elder care so it was probably easier for me to navigate, but it was still so hard. I eventually had a conversation with her. I pointed out her previous level of functioning and compared it to her current. I explained that her independence hinged on regaining that level of functioning. I was compassionate but honest. Most of it was anxiety. She has done so much better lately. She still leans into "I'm old" a bit, but not as much.
I think evaluations are never a bad idea and should happen automatically as we age. I personally think it's a bit unlikely that both are developing dementia at such a similar time and rate, while both managing to mask at work. Even considering masking, that seems less likely that learned behavior to me.
daughtcahm@reddit
Early dementia signs involve masking, and they often do this by keeping everything normal. If they're operating on autopilot, it's easy to mask the dementia. But if they have to do something new, they can't handle it and get frustrated. Which results in them avoiding new things.
It's pretty common to hear about someone who was doing well, but when they have to downsize their house and move, they fall apart and the dementia becomes obvious.
birdieponderinglife@reddit
This. They can function within their established routine. The wheels fall off when you change it even in a small way like asking them to pick up an envelope for you. The difficulty holding a conversation is another clue there might be cognitive issues
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
And how do you even begin to suggest they get tested or some type of assessment?
birdieponderinglife@reddit
Maybe just suggest it’s a good idea for a baseline/ part of making sure they are healthy as they age would be a good way to approach it.
nnulll@reddit
Exactly. Having old labs and tests to compare to helps establish a trend. It’s something even totally healthy people should do regularly. Frame it that way and get them assessed. Ask them to be a good example for you and your kids
Cautious-Ordinary475@reddit
If they listen to their primary care doctors (assuming they don’t already see a neurologist) and their doctors can talk to you (a lot of doctors offices have HIPAA forms that can be filled out on the patient portals) then you can mention what you’ve been noticing and ask if they can recommend/refer for a Neuro Psych Eval.
Even if you don’t think things are “bad enough” now to warrant that, it’s invaluable to have a baseline result to compare against if you do notice a more obvious decline.
RegionRatHoosier@reddit
Even if the doctors can't speak to you you can speak to the doctors
birdieponderinglife@reddit
Yep, the baseline is so important.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
But what if they’ve always been like that, it’s just more pronounced now that they’re older? And now age plays a greater part in it?
SeasonPositive6771@reddit
That's kind of how it happens, in the early stages. They just seem even more set in their ways.
Lotan@reddit
This comment is right, I went through something similar with my grandmother.
But before anyone starts leveling diagnosis at their parents, I had an opposite situation with my mom. I helped her sell the house she’d lived in for 30 years and moved her into a retirement community. She’s suddenly thriving and seems a lot better. She still forgets things and is borderline incompetent, but she’s a lot better than she was.
Sunshinehaiku@reddit
Great comment.
This_hoe_dumb@reddit
My mom is 76, but doesn’t have dementia. Two of her brothers did, though, so it’s a possibility. I’m finding that she’s getting less able to control her own emotions and lashing out at her loved ones. Idk if there’s something going on (I think she might be scared of what she’s going to see when we go visit her alcoholic twin soon), but my sister is in town and I’m thinking we have to have a hard conversation with mom. This is a woman who raised me by herself, worked all her life, got remarried in her 70’s, and suddenly she’s not the person I knew. My sister and I are already planning what we need to do. It’s so hard to shift from the child to the caregiver. 😭
Sebastian_dudette@reddit
We called it cognitive decline. The testing at primary care is super super basic. And easily beaten / masked. If someone in the know can go with them to bring up concerns you might get more traction. Maybe. But it's a long road to diagnosis.
I am certain my mother had some kind of dementia, but it was never diagnosed because of her masking and bouts with bladder infections. Those infections caused delirium, I think is the term, but looked like dementia.
I'd talk with them about long-term care plans and what happens IF they have dementia or some sort of cognitive decline. Talk about what ifs and estate planning. Keep trying to get them to establish plans for what if.
Talk to them about their routines. My mother was in the habit of setting the GPS as soon as she got in the car. Even for short drives to familiar places.
It is hard taking care of aging parents. I'm an orphan now, so I'm done.
Best of luck navigating these waters.
swiwwcheese@reddit
My mom and I can't have a conversation that doesn't end up in screams anymore
She's become horrible *
This is extremely soul-draining so I avoid her as much as possible
Of course I get blamed for everything and receive relationship-crushing harsh words every time
Dad's refusing to acknowledge her mind's slipping into darkness, he just plays along her game and looks away
* I'm the prime target but she's also started saying unacceptable things to random ppl, to the point of making them burst into a rage screaming at her
I wasn't there to see it happen but I can well imagine. Of course total denial from her, those ppl were just unexplainably crazy ...
... right
kl1n60n3mp0r3r@reddit
Ugh. I feel this so hard.
Both my parents are narcissists. Divorced years ago, live apart and I try time speak with both of them about a variety of topics and they wlwammm
Wilful_Fox@reddit
As you age, for some, your world becomes a LOT smaller. This means that you are used to your regular routine and whatnot, so when something like driving out of state or such occurs, it’s a really big deal.
It sounds like you would like to develop the grace and compassion you need to have to understand how to interact your parents. Just remember, your mum & dad spent countless hours, days, weeks showing, teaching & encouraging you how to be the human being you are today. Now you have the opportunity to give back to them…aren’t you lucky? Many people don’t get that.
staticfingertips@reddit
Having aging parents and young kids is tough. My parents are 79 and 81, and my kids are 5 and 7.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
I couldn’t imagine having to care for children as well. I’m childfree.
staticfingertips@reddit
My parents are still rather self-sufficient. I imagine a lot of the elderly care will fall on my older siblings who are either child-free or have adult children
SpaceCadetEdelman@reddit
Ouff, I am knees deep in it also, with a long ways to go.. there are many influences we previously did not have to endure with.
A big one (as mentioned) seems nutrition and calorie intake, if not we just consume ourselves from inside out.
dabeeman@reddit
what is in the envelope that is so important? why can’t they just mail it to you?
Sunshinehaiku@reddit
r/agingparents
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
I didn’t even think to look for a sub like that. I’m kinda scared to look. But thanks for sharing it.
Sunshinehaiku@reddit
Why are you scared?
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
The reality of it all. It’s a lot l.
aerodeck@reddit
Way too depressing in there
Sunshinehaiku@reddit
Aging isn't pretty.
aerodeck@reddit
Yeah and I’m not gonna spend my living moments reading depressing stories about about random people I don’t kno
Sunshinehaiku@reddit
These things come for all of us, eventually.
I'm watching my parents struggle with their own decline, exactly because they refused to engage with other people's aging, and are in denial. I think they were afraid of getting old.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Getting old ain’t for sissies
CuriousLands@reddit
Me and my siblings have totally different issues with our parents lol. I have no idea to handle them either, and neither so my siblings, but yeah they're quite different than yours. Like with my mom, everything was a production the way you're describing, but she's been like that for probably the last 30 years, lol. My parents are both kinda codependent and manipulative, which is only getting more and more frustrating as we get older, and my mom in particular has zero financial planning skills or horse sense (and I suppose those have both declined over the years for her) but has just as much stubbornness as always, haha. Like she needs to downsize, but refuses to sell the house to either of my sisters (who are renting) because she thinks they want an unfair price, but she also refuses to have the property valued and also seems oblivious to the fact that it's a fixer-upper! She almost lives in this fantasy where all the work she's done to improve the value actually got finished, and finished properly, instead of having a half-dozen half-finished reno projects in her house (including big things like a half-finished basement kitchenette). And it's fine cos she'll run some B&B on the West Coast once she sells, even though she can't even keep her own house clean without help now. None of us know what to do with her.
But my aunt and uncle, who are older than my parents, are doing just fine. Some are getting some health issues, but they're all sharp as tacks and quite independent.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Not so dissimilar. My parents have been this same way to a degree as long as I can remember. They never had hobbies or friends and they’ve done nothing to keep themselves youthful at heart. It’s like they just holed up together and existed so long without living and enjoying anything that all the fun has been sucked out of life. They aren’t miserable per se but they are very out of touch with what normal people do. I try to encourage them but they don’t try. Can’t take my mom to a movie because it’s too expensive and too many people and and and. Can’t take my dad for a walk because his hips hurt too much. Can’t even watch a movie with them at their house because my dad wants to watch CNN instead.
They also live in a home too big for them to maintain. My mom always complains she has no energy to clean it (still works full time) and yet won’t have anyone over to clean (hired) due to not wanting anyone in the home. If my dad slips and falls on ice in the winter, I’m certain he would injure himself seriously. It’s such a worry.
Yet they will remain there independently codependent on one another until one of them goes and I fear when and what that will do to the other. Neither of them will want to or agree or be able to afford a home or community. It’s scary.
ocitystop@reddit
A lot of my parents friends and siblings are either dying or getting dementia, moving into homes etc.
My mother has been getting really emotional about it. It’s been really confronting seeing people her age getting really “old” even while she and dad are still pretty fit for early octogenarians.
My dad on the other hand has outlived his own father by over 20 years (he’s 82, his dad died at 60ish) despite some health problems so I think he’s reasonably happy with his effort!
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Yeah no one my parents know are going into homes or have care etc. they don’t have any friends left, and family is all more ‘able’ and do things and kept their wits about them. This isn’t new though, my parents have been the way they are since I can remember but it’s just getting to be more pronounced now that they’re getting older. No hobbies. No community, no friends. It’s like they just let themselves wither away into what they are now and didn’t even try to stay youthful in spirit either.
JeffTS@reddit
I get it and I don't really have much in the way of answers for you. My dad passed away when I was 19 and my mother is now 81 with dementia. Everyone who should be there to help has abandoned me/us so I'm the sole caregiver and she lives with me. Conversations are constantly repeated. No respite. The most amazing, yet most heartbreaking thing happened for me today though: one of my very first clients offered to research Medicare services for me this coming week. That's more than, and above and beyond what, any family member or family friend who my mother was there for has offered. Best I can offer is to make sure you have family that will actually be there for you and have a support network.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
What a kind gesture. I hope it garners some type of help for your mom and you. I don’t have a community either, all extended family lives far away. I don’t have close friends. Just my partner and he tries to be supportive but at same time, sometimes thinks I’m overreacting to it all.
TinyRandomLady@reddit
Its rough. My mom was diagnosed with FTD dementia, 2 years ago and it is been so rough watching her decline. I feel I’m too young to be dealing with this. I love her and I miss the woman she was but I struggle to sometimes have the patients to help her.
My dad is her 24/7 caretaker but he has his own health issues. It’s sad watching him watch her decline. They’ve been together for over 55 years. He also gets frustrated by everything little thing, don’t get me started on his pages of passwords, and makes it hard to help him. But other than freaking out over everything he is mostly still him. Just slower and easy to stress.
I’ve been very stressed helping them the last three years. I’m the youngest of 4, single, and struggling without them. But I love them and continue to be there for them. This just isn’t where I expected to be at this age.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
That’s sad. I too miss the way my mom used to be. I miss being able to have a proper conversation with or be able to joke etc. without everything needing an explanation.
HedgehogsInSpace24@reddit
My parents started showing signs of dementia at 65 and 71. Being overwhelmed by tasks that used to be fine is one of the ways it started in my mom
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Thing is, my mom has always been overwhelmed due to being so damn dependant on my dad doing everything. She basically did it to herself. Now she’s old and blames age but she was the same in her 60’s and every year it got less and less of her doing things on her own and more and more of her independence being lost due to it.
terracottasol@reddit
Well first you have your parents so that can always be a way to reframe your personal. I lost my Mom a year ago and my dad 10 years ago and some of the things that I worried about before seem so strange to think about now. In a twist of fate, my Grandma is still alive at nearly 100 years old and I've recently been helping with her care. She has dementia but mild and I take a different approach this time. I try to help her remember who she was and when we can't do that, I find something else to anchor the moment in, like an old picture or memory. And we make the most of the time we have.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
I absolutely try to reframe and I’m so thankful for my parents being here. It sounds like you are making the most of your time together with your grandmother and I’m glad you’re able to spend that precious time with her.
LaLa_820@reddit
They make the biggest deal about everything!! I joke that I’m glad my dad is gone because my mom is enough. My husband’s mom (close to 70) had a whole ass affair in another state and for the last year just dipped out. Her husband would watch her packing up in the middle of the night. But, this woman literally lives up the street from us and is so absent in our lives.
Adorable_Goose_6249@reddit
My 76 year old mom is just like this. I can’t have a conversation with her about anything without her getting confused or taking things too literally. Forget emails, that is even more frustrating. She swears up and down she is healthy and has no dementia, but she gets flustered by the simplest things. It’s hard to see and acknowledge.
PhoneJazz@reddit
I feel super guilty that I dread the prospect of giving up my freedom (single, no kids) to take care of my aging mother. I feel like a bad person that I just don’t want to do it. Basically putting my life on hold for that amount of time, and coming out the other end that much older myself.
hafu_girl@reddit
I feel this deeply. It's just my dad now since my mom passed years ago. He is turning 83 next month and the last 6 months have been rough. I'm 8 hours away so that adds a whole other issue of trying to help but not being close. I basically go down every other month now but it isn't sustainable.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
I’m sorry. That’s rough. I don’t even know what or how I’m going to help one of my parents through it when the other one passes but it’s crossed my mind a lot. I only live an hour away but even then, I work full-time so I can’t just drop everything/exhaust myself going back and forth to help on a daily basis. My brother passed away 2 years ago, and I’m the only one left. They don’t have friends. Extended family lives on the other side of the country, so without community I worry even more. My mom has basically gotten so used to my dad driving her anywhere (even in a small town) that she basically renders herself unable to drive anywhere but to work and back. She doesn’t grocery shop because he does it. Flip side, my dad doesn’t know how to use a smart phone and refuses, doesn’t know how to use email or online banking. Doesn’t even know how to operate the tv remote beyond on/off and volume. I worry.
What do we do? I don’t know about your dad but if he’s open to it and can afford it, I’d look into some type of care home or community. I know my parents are dead set against that and want to remain independent until their dying days so that’s gonna be fun.
hafu_girl@reddit
The sad thing is my dad is well off and planned for retirement well, but I think my mom passing unexpectedly soon after he retired threw everything out the window. He doesn't want to move and even if he did, he is limited because he has an 80 lb dog that is his life and he won't go anywhere without her. He doesn't want outside help which is OK for now, but I know that we will likely need something in a year or so. My sister lives 5 hours from him and goes every other month like I do so someone at least visits him once a month. But like I said earlier, this isn't sustainable long term. He is SUPER stubborn and I feel like is the type of person who is just suddenly going to die while doing something like cutting the grass because he's in his 80s and refuses to pay someone else to do it. He got rid of wifi because the smart TV suddenly became too hard and now just watches westerns on over the air channels. He constantly worries he doesn't have enough money (which he does - I check his bank account daily for him) and barely spends money on anything. He doesn't have any debt like mortgage or car payment, so his monthly income is not a problem. I've gone over and over it with him but he still worries. It's crazy to see someone who was so smart and prepared now get confused on something as simple as his account balances.
I'm sorry you're experiencing these troubles and that you have to face them alone. My sister and I don't always see eye to eye but I'm grateful to have another person around.
These are not things I ever thought about when I was younger. My dad definitely isn't the agreeable elderly person you see in commercials having fun and all that. I've been trying to help him get more involved socially and it's hard for that age group if you aren't in a senior community.
furtive_turtle@reddit
My mom is 84, has mid-to-severe dementia, and I take care of her. Most days, by all appearances she's a normal old person. This sets an expectation with me to treat her like a normal person. Big mistake. If I don't have it in my head that I'm effectively dealing with someone who has more in common with a child than an adult, I'm in for a bad time. It's a struggle, because ultimately no matter how far I go in meeting her where she's at, it's honestly just never going to be enough. It's okay to be angry, you're only human, but I hope for myself that I continue to express my anger towards her less and less. It's not that you aren't in the right to do so, it's just that it won't change anything. No amount of sitting down and explaining and talking with them will effect any change in them. Pretty much all of my brothers/sisters have chosen to just limit the amount of time they spend around our mother, but as her care-taker I don't have that choice. The only thing you can control at this point is how much you want to be around them. There's no wrong answer but remember you will one day be like them.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit (OP)
Believe me when I say, I try to keep this in the forefront of every interaction I have with them yet I still find myself feeling frustrated and annoyed. May we all be blessed to age yes, but it makes it no less challenging now. You’re comment reminds me that it’s really up to me, on how I react and process each of our interactions and I guess I’m just going to have to work on changing how I feel about them because they aren’t going to change who they’ve become and how they do/view things.