Can I get a sick note for bereavement if I’ve already used compassionate leave?

Posted by Lost_Day_1495@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 57 comments

I feel stupid , this might not be the right place to ask but don’t know where to turn. My mum passed 2 weeks ago, i won’t go into detail but it was sudden and I tried resuscitation. My employer has given 2 weeks compassionate leave, which I’m grateful for but has got back to me today stating that because my dad died within the same year (also sudden) they can’t extend compassionate leave past the written policy (2 weeks). I am using annual leave next week to give me some extra time to try get my head straight , arrange and attend her funeral. The plan is to return on 21st , but I’m a frontline worker working with families experiencing trauma. I might feel differently after the funeral but right now I am a mess, sleep is a struggle with flashbacks when I close my eyes at night , I’m scrolling to the point of exhaustion to be able to sleep. I know I need help and am planning to source a private therapist following the funeral but I’m terrified I’m not in a position to stay levelheaded/composed to engage with my role right now. A friend recommended speaking to the GP but I’m conflicted, would my circumstances even qualify for a sick note? I guess because my concern is the “possibility” of not being able to fulfil my duties it makes me feel like fraud. If my job didn’t involve working with vulnerable people I would push thru but the thought of my day-to-day feels unbearable, and unfair to those I serve especially with the upcoming admin of sorting out my mums affairs which is my responsibility now. I can’t really afford unpaid leave, my annual leave is limited. I know I will have to get back to my day-to-day life eventually (or change career) but what is reasonable? Would a doctor tell me because I’m physically able go back to work?

57 Comments

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WitShortage@reddit

I’m sorry for your loss. My mum died a few days ago (not unexpectedly) and my employer has been phenomenal. I’m sorry that yours is being a shit.

Queen_of_London@reddit

TBF, it doesn't sound like the employer is being shit. The OP has used up their self-certified compassionate leave, but that doesn't mean they can't take paid time off work with a note from the doctor. I'm sorry for your loss too, FWIW from an internet stranger.

Alarmed_Lunch3215@reddit

I think any employer that hides behind policy and doesn’t apply some logic to their employee who they have a duty of care for in their time of need - does equal a shot employer sadly. Making your employee jump through doctor hoops to get signed off at this time isn’t helpful. Be flexible where possible and show compassion - the level and scale of compassion shouldn’t be dictated by the awful circumstance of two loved ones dying in the same calendar year

EngineersAnon@reddit

>... does equal a shot employer sadly. I'm going to assume that was a typo - or it's one heck of an escalation.

Haha whilst I would love that level of escalation - alas I must blame autocorrect

jxllyfishx@reddit

Absolutely. Speak to your GP and get a sick now. A bereavement can cause many physical symptoms as well as affect your mental health. I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma you have been through.

adeo54331@reddit

So much this, I can’t imagine going back to work 2 weeks after my mum passed away… I was a mess for a while.

bakedNdelicious@reddit

Everyone is different. When my mum died I went back to school as I couldn’t face being at home (to be fair I was 15 and didn’t know what to do with myself) When my dad died I took only a couple of days off. When my brother died it ruined me completely and I had to be signed off.

Yes indeed. I used my compassionate leave for my brothers death and after his funeral I was a mess and the drs signed me off for two weeks. I’m so sorry for your loss

jesspcrowley_@reddit

Bereavement/compassionate leave in the UK is a joke. I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s made even harder feeling like you don’t have the space or empathetic understanding you need. You absolutely need to see your GP for a sick note - bereavement, stress and trauma are legitimate reasons to not be capable of working right now, or for as long as you can financially manage for. I lost both of my parents in the space of 6 months in 2020 and let me tell you I didn’t work for 2 years, eventually leading to me being classed as LCWRA (with universal credit, which has allowed me to get back into work/study slowly over the last few years) - I got into bereavement counselling pretty quickly (cruse are great and usually for complex/layered grief they offer more than the baseline number of sessions, in my experience anyway - I would recommend contacting them asap, as the waiting list can be quite long. It’s a great service because it’s quite non committal, they are specialised in grief/bereavement - they really helped me get through - if you contact them you need to find the service in your specific area, and you will have an assessment appointment.) It sounds like right now is just ‘get through’ time for you, but you will get there you just need the time and space to process. Sending a lot of love your way.

JLB_cleanshirt@reddit

Agree with most people here that you should easily get a sicknote for several weeks from a doctor. Probably would only need a telephone consultation as that's what mine did.

MissSephy@reddit

Absolutely get a sick note. I took a few months after my mum passed away after a long illness. It’s one of the biggest changes in your life, so be kind to yourself and take the time to grieve.

ZealousidealAir3586@reddit

Try not to overthink it and just look after yourself. You can self-certify the first week without speaking to a GP; if you feel you still need time, see a GP. Bereavement is regarded as one of the most stressful events you can go through, so be kind to yourself.

Longjumping-Act9653@reddit

Firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had so much happen in a short period of time. When my dad was in the hospice and it was clear we were looking at a few days I got signed off by my GP with stress and didn’t go back until after the funeral. With my mum, I was signed off from the minute she had her stroke until she came home for palliative care. This is definitely something the GP can help with, and you should also ask about help with sleep. With both parents I was given phenergan, which is just an antihistamine but it knocks you out.

gemrosecon@reddit

Hi OP, as all the other commenters have stated, please do go to the GP for a sick note, you absolutely meet the standards for this. My dad died very suddenly and my GP wrote me sick lines for nearly 6 months, which was the time I needed to start feeling I could cope with work. Please take the time that you need. So sorry for your losses, sending love.

Lost_Day_1495@reddit (OP)

Oh , life can be cruel but people are kind. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to give me advice, i definitely feel less stupid, I’ve read everything and this is has given me a direction to head in for now, for those thoughtful enough to share similar experiences too sending love

dawnfunybunny@reddit

First sorry for your loss. My my just died 2 weeks ago. For me I just started 2 weeks AL the day it happened. But had to get back to keep me distracted. My sister got a note for 4 weeks from the doctors so I think the doctor if a compassionate one would give you one.

bedders88@reddit

This…. Sounds horrific. OP I am so deeply sorry for your losses. The time frame of both should necessitate the extension of leave, not shorten it! You should not feel stupid and you should absolutely speak to your GP, they can sign you off work if they deem it necessary for your mental wellbeing and recovery. Wishing you all the best

havesomelove@reddit

I’m shocked that OP is working in a profession where they’re caring for others through their traumas but the organisation doesn’t care for its staff’s traumas. I know it’s probably not top of the list right now but that alone would be enough for me to reconsider my employment. Take the sick leave, OP. Be aware that a lot of therapists won’t address bereavement for a period after it (you’re in shock and it’s natural to be, but they often like to let things settle for a while before diving in) and look after yourself.

takhana@reddit

Typical for healthcare tbh. Really really shit. My condolences OP.

KaylasCakes@reddit

As everyone else has said, get a sick note for bereavement - your situation sounds very similar to when my mum died. I took three months off with sick notes once compassionate leave ran out - I had a lot to sort out as I'm an only child, but many of those days were just lying in the dark trying to get to grips with everything. I'm back at work now and still trying to work things out six months down the line. Take the time. If I'd gone back any sooner, it would have been of little benefit to anyone. I also deal with traumatic matters - appreciate it's different for everyone but I spoke to my manager about what was triggering for me and they've kept me away from that kind of work for now. Sending lots and lots of hugs - I hope you get the support you need.

Western_Presence1928@reddit

Take as long as you want, mental health/depression.

Is getting someone on tablets at a time of vulnerability really the best thing at a time like this? Obvs if they need it they can talk to their doctor - but this really smacks of an American suggesting this.

Amitriptyline is available in the UK. And I'm not american.

The brand Elavil isn’t- and you referenced the fda which only Americans do. Either way it’s sold under the generic brand name - but either way, recommending someone take it in a tough time is dubious if you don’t know their circumstances. I say this as someone who has also been prescribed it for migraine and it wasn’t fun and definitely wouldn’t be recommending people take it for depression like symptoms at this stage of their grief.

My stepfather was given it as a muscle relaxant after a hip and knee op. My friend is on it for a back injury. She's suffering with insomnia and possibly depression, something amitriptyline will help with as it's a sedative.

That's google for you.

_Rookwood_@reddit

I've done it before and my GP was very kind about it. I would make the appointment and explain how you're feeling but honestly they will hear that you've lost your mother just two weeks ago and that'll be enough to sign you off. Sorry for your loss.

DrMamaBear@reddit

Yes. I got a 3 week note from my gp called “delayed grief reaction” a month after a miscarriage when I was suddenly distraught. I’m so sorry for your losses and your hat your work isn’t recognising them as well as they could.

secretrebel@reddit

Your employer is being horrible. Whatever the policy says they gave discretion to give you additional allowance. Remember this when you are strong enough to work and find another job for human beings instead of emotionless robots. In the meantime your GP will sign you off. You can get up to two months easily.

PatTheCatMcDonald@reddit

I would be tempted to offer to take extra unpaid leave first. Reason? Makes it plain to the employer you really need that extra time to do the probate and inheritance sorting. If they say no, then go see the GP and tell them what the problem is with your mental state. Speaking as a vulnerable man, I think you need the time off either way. Do not feel like you letting people down. You need that support for you right now.

sadsack100@reddit

Has your employer offered any counselling service?

tomtink1@reddit

Use a sick note from the doctor instead of your annual leave. It would be better/easier to use your annual leave if you go back to work and then need another break later. Use the sick note now.

riri2530@reddit

Firstly sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year and it was hell. I’m still suffering from the after effects of it. I was lucky I had two managers who were absolutely fantastic and have given me the support I needed. Please do go to a doctor and speak to them about getting a sick note. You have been through a lot and honestly bereavement leave is just not sufficient when you have lost a close relative.

Apsalar28@reddit

You absolutely can and should. When you're feeling up to it talk to your employer about a phased return as well. Mine let me do a few weeks part time when I first went back after my husband died.

RowRow1990@reddit

Yes you can. Compassionate leave is generally never going to be enough time and it's absolutely fine to take sick leave on top of. I went through this a few years ago and it is absolutely fucking shit. There's no words that will make any of it better, but if you're not alone. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.

JessRushie@reddit

Please reach out to your GP as a matter of urgency. I went through a very sudden trauma a few years ago that didn't qualify for any leave from work and they wrote me essentially unlimited sick. They also offered me sedatives to get a few good months of sleep and anything else I needed These days I take melatonin and magnesium which knocks me out. Seeking private therapy is also a great shout. You have been through something truly awful and it is okay to not know how to cope. Have you got any close friends or family you can lean on right now? Asking for help is so so hard but they will often want to help and not know how. Let people cook for you, keep you company, and help with the funeral

According_Union@reddit

Yes, sadly this is your only option. Your GP will sign you off. I'm sorry for your loss.

wearystaircase@reddit

All the other advice is good about your GP. Just here to say my mum died 3 weeks ago and I also work with vulnerable people and am iffy about going back and hearing their trauma. Feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk. So sorry for your losses.

Weird_Recognition870@reddit

I’m so sorry about your parents. My mother was diagnosed with advanced terminal cancer and is end of life now. GP signed me off with stress no questions asked.(I’ve been off for 6 weeks so far,my work is very generous with paid sick leave) Please speak to your GP,I’m sure they will be able to sign you off. I hope you will get better soon.

PolgaraEsme@reddit

See docs, but also see if your work will accommodate a phased return to work or light duties….maybe you can do something else useful (I bet there’s an admin backlog somewhere that needs sorting) for a week or two, until you are ready to do your front line job. It might help ease you back in

cheerforbubbly@reddit

That absolutely qualifies you for a sick note. You need more time! Go to a doctor and explain what you've said here. Don't talk yourself down or downplay how you're feeling. None of that 'oh i might possibly feel alright maybe I should-' NO! You have been through an awful lot. Even if you've managed to get all the admin and affairs sorted out within that time, you will still need time to have a break, breathe, grieve and mentally recover. Take the doctors note!!! All my love with you x

Yes, agreed with all this. OP, please go to the GP and tell them exactly what you said in your OP plus anything else about how it's affecting you. Sick notes for work aren't just about the condition, but the job; in your job it would be unreasonable for you to try to support other people while suffering yourself. Book the appt ASAP because it could take a week or more to get one, but they can backdate the sick note. The sick note will cover your annual leave time too - no need to use that up. You wouldn't expect someone with two broken legs to push a wheelchair, even if their legs will work again one day. And my condolences. It's a lot in one year.

liseusester@reddit

Absolutely go to the GP and get signed off. I would entirely expect someone I line manage to do so. We give two weeks off for close family (parent, partner, child) and there is an expectation you have to plan for that person to then get signed off for how long they need. We have a generous sick pay policy (I get six months full pay, then six months half pay) so people don't worry about the financial element in the way people did when I worked in retail.

BoopingBurrito@reddit

Yes, absolutely. You've suffered a major trauma, it would be understandable to need time off a regular job. But given your work involves you in other people's trauma it becomes even more important that you're in good shape yourself. Your GP won't hesitate to sign you off. The fact you're having flashbacks when you close your eyes is very significant, it means it was a full blown trauma - a GP would sign you off for a couple of weeks if you just said "My mum died and its hit me a bit hard, I'm having some trouble sleeping", they'll not hesitate to give you a longer note (or a series of notes) if you put it to them the way you've put it in your post.

Ok-Advantage3180@reddit

I’m sorry for your loss. You should be able to get a sick note, because it sounds like it’s deeply affected your mental health, which could have a knock on effect to your physical health. I’d be quite shocked if your GP didn’t give you a sick note tbh

AngelKat-81@reddit

First of all, huge hugs coming your way as you've been through a lot in a short space of time. Yes you absolutely can get signed off sick for bereavement and I suggest you do for your own sanity as grief does crazy things to the brain and body. My own Dad passed in 2022 and after a week of compassionate leave I went back to work this was a terrible idea and I wasn't myself at all. Realising this I went to the GP and she signed me off for a month which covered his funeral and birthday. I felt guilty but I genuinely couldn't work effectively during that time so absolutely recommend you do what's right for you and your mental and physical health.

ReputationKind4628@reddit

I am so sorry for your loss. It's awful - I walked out of a job because my employer was so unsympathetic. See your GP. You need to heal, lovely. Bereavement hurts so bad. Xxx

CalmStomach3@reddit

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. You can definitely get signed off as berevement is a massive trigger for mental health issues. you can self certify for 7 days to give you a bit of space to get an appointment. They can also extend it. Most importantly they can recommend services and charities to help you with bereavement. Please take care.

VardaElentari86@reddit

Honestly, most people do. Bereavement/compassionate leave is really just for the initial period.

MGSC_1726@reddit

Yes of course it would qualify a sick note don’t worry. Mental health is just as important as physical health so take as much time as you need!

fimbleinastar@reddit

got signed off work by my GP for a fortnight when my dad died

IceDiesel77@reddit

Of course you can - when I lost my dad I did self cert for the first week then a Dr's note for two weeks after. Sending love and hugs at this sad time xx

SeaworthinessSad1425@reddit

We lost my father in law in May. Like you we both work as frontline workers with vulnerable adults.My husband used compassionate leave but still didn't feel mentally in the right place to return to work.He popped into our GP practice & was given a two week sick note without even needing to see a GP. Sending condolences x

VoteJemma@reddit

A doctor will give you the time off that you need. Please don’t worry about it and go and see your GP ASAP. I’m so sorry for your loss.

DivineDecadence85@reddit

Sorry for your loss. It's such a hard time. If you explain that to any GP, they'll sign you a sick note in a heartbeat. You've been through a lot, and your mental health has taken a battering. Doctors understand that. It's absolutely appropriate to call them for something like this.

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