Can I find my farther without my mother’s input?
Posted by Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 35 comments
Hello people,
I am 22, currently live in greater Manchester but was born in Glasgow.
My mother is lesbian, she had me at the age of 21 with another woman and a male sperm donee who where all supposed to be in the picture. Obviously things didn’t work out as planned.
My mum doesn’t tell me anything about the other two people in my past, and although it may sound uncaring of me I don’t care about the other woman. I’d just like to know who my biological farther is.
Anytime I try speak to my mum about this she dismisses it, she is 100% never going to give me any information about him or his whereabouts. Is there any way I can find out anything about him without involving the only person I know for sure knows who he is?
I have memories of a man (but without being mean I was a child, and I’m not sure if this was him or a lesbian woman I presumed to be a man, I was around 4 and my family say the woman she was with looked like a man) and I’d love to just know his name/what he looked like.
I don’t necessarily want to reach out, it’s been a long time and I imagine if he wanted to find me it would be a lot easier for him than me so he obviously doesn’t want a relationship, but I’d love to just know who I come from.
Is there anything I can do?
Flat_Development6659@reddit
Don't those ancestry type tests show if you have a DNA match to someone? I've heard siblings being reunited after using the services.
Obviously it'd only work if he'd used the same service but it might be worth looking into :)
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
Thanks! I’ve had a look into the free ones before and found nothing. I don’t mind paying for something more in depth, I’m not rich but I have some spare money too look into it for sure. I’m just worried if I put actual money into it and find nothing it will make me feel like it was another pathetic attempt to find him which came to nothing, I want to find him of course I do but I think I’m worried to admit that to myself because if I spent actual money and found nothing it would be another “win” for him where I was reaching out and he wasn’t there…
anabsentfriend@reddit
Ancestry have sales several times a year.
You can also upload your raw data from Ancestry to several free sites to increase your chances of getting closer relatives.
Groovy66@reddit
That’s interesting. Which sites are these?
anabsentfriend@reddit
I have paid for Ancestry and 23&me. Then I've uploaded to GEDmatch, MyHeritage, and FamilyTreeDNA
FootballIsRubbish@reddit
If you do a DNA test with Ancestry you will definitely find some relatives on your father's side. It may only be second cousins, but it will at least be someone tangible linked to your father, and you can research their trees to find the common ancestors. You may be lucky and find a first cousin, then you'd really be cooking with gas. Plus you may find a surname that keeps cropping up in your tree that may ring a few bells from ages ago, and you can put 2 and 2 together. It's a start anyway.
PavlovaToes@reddit
They do. You can't find anyone who doesn't want to be found, but you can find their relatives, if they have done the dna test that is.
I would recommend this being the best way, however, it comes with the warning that most of these don't turn out the way you hope and usually they want nothing to do with their new found family member
Far_Cup5691@reddit
How do you know he wants to be found?
blurredlynes@reddit
Is he named on your birth certificate if he was meant to stay in the picture?
If you don't have a copy, you can order one online for about £13 from the General Register Office.
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
He is named on my original birth certificate which I’m not supposed to know about.
My mum jumped through a lot of hoops and had him removed, I’ve only ever heard his name and never seen it spelt so I know it’s some form of “matherson” my family are willing to give some information but not enough for me to find him.
His first name I know is David, again from other family. I’ve tired looking but I’m obviously not going to reach out to every David Matherson I find because 90% of them won’t be him.
Skymningen@reddit
That’s very „outing“ of anyone who has that name and might or might not be your father. I wouldn’t put that out online for everyone to sleuth around. But if I were you I might try contacting some potential ones. They might know who else in their family is called David or maybe someone has done genealogy already.
Round_Caregiver2380@reddit
Look through Facebook. Just looking at their pictures and narrowing down by name will probably only leave you with a few.
Even if it's a bunch you can just paste the same message to all of them.
172116@reddit
Typically spelt "Matheson". Unfortunately, that is a pretty common last name in Scotland, while "David" was the most common first name in Scotland for boys every year from 1970-1992, so you may find quite a lot of dead ends.
As others were suggesting, an ancestry or similar DNA test would be a good start - you are unlikely to find him on first attempt (unless he has been looking for you too), but may find relatives who would help you narrow the search through genealogical research.
rositree@reddit
So you do have a pretty good lead, could you do as this person says and order a copy of your original birth certificate to clarify the spelling?
Do you know where you were all living back then? Searching the name, that city and the years he was there could turn up something or asking any other family what happened to him/where he was likely to have gone when things went awry with your mother (even a 'don't know, possibly back to x city' would be a lead).
Also, you say you don't want a relationship with him but you're talking about reaching out - what do you actually want? Just to hear his side of the story? To put a face to the history? Do you have any idea why the relationship between him and your mum soured? Obviously, she isn't a fan of his, but would it be worth explaining to her that you do want to know some things about him and see if she would talk to you about him a bit more now that you're an adult?
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
If he would like a relationship I’d be open to it, of course it would take time and healing, especially with me being in what I presume is a different country to him. I know I lived in “blackhill” Glasgow.
I don’t want him to straight away take on the role of dad, I know that’s stupid of me to think, but it would be nice to think he’d care I was still out there.
I know he has other children, at least a son because I remember playing with him before I was moved away.
If he didn’t want to know me, maybe my siblings would?
blurredlynes@reddit
Hmm, I'm not sure about removing someone from a birth certificate, so maybe ask in r/LegalAdviceUK to find out if that would just be in the physical certificate your mum/you have that would be changed, whether the entry held by the GRO is also changed if you asked for a copy, or if all databases would be updated.
As well as doing an Ancestry DNA test, if you don't immediately have the funds to take the gamble on that, they have online entries of the births register. You can usually get your first week free or similar, so could look yourself and see if your father's name is listed there to infirm spelling. Another feature is it automatically suggests other family trees people have done, so it may identify possible matches to other completed trees if your father is mentioned in another distant relative's tree.
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
Thank you! I’m also not sure on the birth certificate situation, I just know my mothers new wife has told me she’s seen two birth certificates for me, one with his name and one with my mum’s. She also refused me to have any media contact in school/extra activities even if it meant me missing out. This makes me think maybe he wasn’t a nice person, but I’ve told her before I’ll try to find him with our without your help so just tell me now if I shouldn’t and she’s never said he wasn’t a nice person!
Roxygen1@reddit
That's a good enough starting point to post on your local subreddit, or local facebook groups, along with his approximate age range. Even if he's moved out of your area a long time ago, there might be people who know him and can point you in his direction.
notThaTblondie@reddit
My mum actually found her husbands birth mother that way after he'd spent years searching. They knew her name and the area she had lived in at the time so mum literally just wrote to all of the people that matched. Got a letter back saying she doesn't live here anymore but we know her, this is the address. Took a week.
Ok-Camel-8279@reddit
I've been in your position, I have now found my dad. This is how you do it:
-Ignore (for now) names and story. Testimony is not science proof and is often wrong.
-Order Ancestry and submit a DNA test.
-Marvel at the thousands of matches you have that very probably will NOT give you an answer.
-Try to learn genealogy to connect these matches but trust me, give up, it's really hard.
-Join DNA Detectives or DNA Family Finders UK on Facebook and request a search angel. Free to use genealogy volunteers who do the heavy lifting for you.
-Hope that the one angel who takes your case finds your bio father.
My angel found mine in 6 days flat from no matches closer than a second cousin once removed.
In a way that's the easiest bit, the real work begins after you find him. Presuming he is still alive of course.
So in my case it was less than a week to find him, over a year of fairly tricky communications back and forth to get not that far, we are barely speaking right now. Some people find their new family to be wonderful, some much less so. It's totally unpredictable.
You are absolutely deserving of the truth, in fact in the UK knowing the identity of your biological parents is a legal right due to our continuing membership of the European Convention on Human Rights. No one can obstruct you finding out.
There's a number of reasons for this, most importnat one? Hereditary health conditions. You have a right to know if there are any that could effect you or your children.
Indeed that's the 'nuclear' question that often opens up communications if there is denial and resistance for your new found man.
Good luck on your journey !!!
Shriven@reddit
Donor concieved person here.
First off, was this done through a clinic or ... Au naturale?
If clinic, https://www.hfea.gov.uk/ can help, depending on your exact year of conception.
Otherwise, ancestry.com and other such websites. I found 5 half siblings through ancestry.com and they're all of an age where the hfea can help so through them we were able to identify locate and contact our donor.
bllobblong@reddit
Father* and couldn't you ask grandparents or aunts/uncles? or check birth certificate?
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
My family are very reluctant to tell me anything about who he actually is because my mother had expressed that’s not what she wants. And I understand that of course, but as an adult now I would like to know. As I said I moved to GM as a child, and as far as they’ll go is to let me know I see him every time I visited Glasgow as a child and they’d walk me away.
jr0061006@reddit
What does this mean, you’d see him every time and they’d “walk you away?”
Was he one of the people you were visiting? Did you happen to run into him while visiting other people?
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
Think he lived in the local area, so while in Glasgow with my family out and about we’d see him and they’d walk the opposite way! They’ve told me stories of us walking past each other on the street with them distracting me to look at something else while he walks past!
MazerTanksYou@reddit
Your family isn't willing to provide you with details. Though there may be friends of family who could provide you with additional info. Facebook friends from school days etc. There's also the option of using the British newspaper archive to enter in the name, date range and then a selection of the regional newspapers he may have been in. If he played snooker there may be a picture of him in a local paper now uploaded online. I've known people who wish to remain very private in a digital world but their name and address still appear in late 90s editions of the phone book.
rhecil-codes@reddit
I hope you got farther with this inquiry.
parsley248@reddit
Father*
WitRye@reddit
What do your extended family say? It might be worth casually bringing up your childhood with any close family that you do have and just leaving lots of room for them to talk about what happened. Do you think any of them would be able to connect you with anyone from your mum’s past in Glasgow?
I suspect you would have to reconnect with your mother’s partner if you wanted to learn more about your biological father. It sounds like something quite dramatic happened in these relationships for your mother to sever contact and move away. You might need to be prepared to hear a very different version of events than the one your mum has told you.
If you don’t have luck with your family, your birth certificate or doing a DNA test on one of the ancestry sites, then you could reach out on social media in circles that your mum used to be part of in Glasgow. But that can be quite difficult to navigate, especially when info about what you’re doing could get back to your mum.
You may also want to look at whether you may have been officially adopted by your mother’s partner. In which case, you may be able to have access to official documentation connected to the adoption - but that would probably mean you’d need to contact the Sherif Court in Glasgow if you had any evidence of being adopted.
Plane-Asparagus-9619@reddit (OP)
My family know who he is, my gran (who does not talk to my mother for reasons I won’t get into) has spoke about him to me before, but she doesn’t know where he is now.
The woman my mother was with now lives in Inverness, my mothers new wife has told me we received letters on my birthday every year but my mother would hide them from me and the rest of the family. My mum is the only person who knows where she is or how to contact her and she WILL NOT share that information.
I hold absolutely no hatred towards my mother for this, I’m sure she had her reasons, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know who he is no matter how much off a shitty person he is.
WitRye@reddit
I hear you. I have a difficult, fractured family myself. I’m sure your mum is so focussed on protecting you that she doesn’t see how harmful it can be being kept in the dark and feeling lied to.
If you have names for these people and general areas in which they live. Then you can see if they’re on the electoral roll and write a letter to see if they’re the right person. Also, these people might be on Facebook too. I think I would start with your mum’s former partner. She might be able to shed light on the full situation and it doesn’t hurt to start with someone who sounds like they would be open to contact.
While I would caution that maybe your mum may have left a situation that was abusive, hence her desire to be so distant and so protective. So please do keep your wits about you and keep an eye out for signs of things that make you feel uncomfortable or like your boundaries are being tested. It may well be that you have the chance to discover some really lovely, welcoming new family.
PetersMapProject@reddit
Ancestry DNA test.
Also order your birth certificate from the General Register Office, though there's a good chance that father was left blank, it's a stone you shouldn't leave unturned.
Enough-Ad3818@reddit
I've helped a couple of people out on Ancestry, tracing their families and such.
Start with their DNA service. You will be matched with people who share your DNA.
Not only that, but you can start to list those who you know are on your mothers side, and those that are not, are therefore on your fathers. You can also find out an estimate as to how close family members they are to you.
This has been really useful, and means you can potentially read out to people who are closely linked, and on your fathers side, with the name you've got, and see if you can make progress that way.
Sea-Possession-1208@reddit
I presume you've checked your birth certificate? If the intention was for him to stick around and play a father role, he might be listed on there.
Do your extended family have any details for him?
Or indeed for the other woman. Whilst you might be seeking your genetic heritage - she might know who he is. If any of your family know who she is. I dont think she could be named on your birth certificate that long ago though. But don't... you know... go up to her and say "I funny care much about you, if just want to use you to find my real dad" etc. But approaching her to learn about where you came from, how you came to be conceived, might have fruit.
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