“I’m going to break you in half if I have to come up there!”
Posted by Edward_the_Dog@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 112 comments
My brother used this line last night. I asked him where that line was from because it seemed familiar, and he said that’s what our father used to yell up the stairs when we were making too much noise I had zero recollection of it till that moment. Isn’t the brain amazing?
What was your parents’ signature line?
MyriVerse2@reddit
My house was 99% chill. The other 1%, my stepdad just said,"Bitch!" and smacked her. Nothing was ever directed toward me.
Duran518@reddit
If I call your name, you come down.. period. What the hell? She would call us once and expect to report to her immediately!
ThroatSecretary@reddit
God, I hated that. My mother would call my name and then refuse to elaborate until I appeared in front of her, and it was almost always something inconsequential. Always felt like a little power trip.
bizzylearning@reddit
"I'll give you something to cry about."
Like, seriously, I thought I had a reason...
Tiovivo1@reddit
My mom sometimes would use “do you REALLY want to cry? Why don’t you come over here and I’ll give you a reason so you can REALLY cry?”
Freepi@reddit
Not only did I already have a reason, I now had a second reason, and knew a third was imminent. At 8 years old, in my hysterics, I remember thinking “How is that helpful?”
YinzerChick70@reddit
Oh my gosh, eight year old me was right there with you. I was already upset, being threatened made it worse, I'd cry harder, then I'd try to suppress the sobbing and crying and get horrible hiccups, which racked my body and hurt, I was a total mess. Like you, one part of me would be thinking, "You're making this worse!"
Illustrious-Mind-683@reddit
My mother said this. I hated it. I was always crying when she said it. "If you don't shut up..." If your goal is to stop a child from crying, maybe don't threaten to beat them.
bizzylearning@reddit
Yeah, I don't think they ever developed the skills necessary to work that through. But I am grateful we did. (We've just screwed up in other areas.)
Font_Snob@reddit
It was all about forcing kids to learn how to bury their feelings, just like they learned.
dreaminginteal@reddit
Dad used to use that.
One of the reasons he left my life when I was 5.
deagh@reddit
Never going to forget, I was hysterical, and I can't even remember why, but my mom kept asking me why I was crying, and I was so upset I couldn't talk. So she finally spanked my ass and was like "now I know why you're crying".
Can't remember why I was crying in the first place, but I sure as hell remember being hit for it. Like...how hard would it have been to comfort me until I calmed down?
gun_grrrl@reddit
This one. I mean, really?
Betacucktard@reddit
"Keep it down to a dull roar out there!"
Me to my brother (quietly) : Roar.
Brother (also quietly) : Roar.
Repeat three or four times. :P
Outrageous_Local9365@reddit
boot/foot in ass. several of the dads in the neighborhood said it. my dad wore point toed cowboy boots, and I remember thinking those boots would go into my ass and it will hurt.
Peachy33@reddit
Me: “MOOOOOOM!!”
My mother: “She’s not here!”
I use this after the fifth time my kids holler “MOM!” lol.
greatvow@reddit
My mother use to say, “I wish my name was fuck so I could smack you every time you call me.
Babybleu42@reddit
When my kids are momming me to death I tell them mom went to the store and I only answer to Spaghetti Princess. They think it’s hilarious and making them say Spaghetti Princess over and over always fixes it somehow.
greatvow@reddit
Shit in one hand; want in the other; see which fills up faster.
rwphx2016@reddit
Dad: "If you don't stop that I'll knock you into next week." (He never hit us. Didn't believe in it LOL.
Mom: "Listen, buster..."
Playful-Candy-2003@reddit
“Bored? I can give you a list of things to do if you’re bored.”
bebenee27@reddit
Ha. My aunt used to shrug and say, “Yah, sometimes life is boring!”
exscapegoat@reddit
lol and it would be the most boring stuff. I quickly learned to make use of my library card and not be bored.
NotEasilyConfused@reddit
Mine told me Only boring people are ever bored.
I kind of saw the point, though.
NeeliSilverleaf@reddit
"I hope you have a kid just like you "
BarRegular2684@reddit
My mom used to say that to me.
And I did. My kid openly refers to themself as my clone. I feel kind of bad about that.
bebenee27@reddit
Aw. Sounds like your kid has a good sense of humor though.
BarRegular2684@reddit
Kid is awesome in every way. ❤️
purl2together@reddit
My mother said this enough that it was a factor in my thinking about having kids or not. When I actually thought about what it would be like to raise a child like me, it became clear I was not prepared and probably never would be.
Now, I can’t help but think that it says a lot about my mother and what she thought about me.
Dull-Geologist-8204@reddit
I think it says more about you then her.
My mmsaid this to me and in some ways they are like me. Watching my youngest keep falling off her bike. She keeps getting back on it. I think we will be alright. She is as stubborn as I am. I didn't see my mom saying I hope you ave kids like you as a threat.
purl2together@reddit
I’m glad you didn’t. I cannot say the same.
Remarkable_Monk_2136@reddit
Did she ever ask you why you don’t?
purl2together@reddit
No. She expressed her disappointment that she wasn’t getting grandchildren. But then, she rarely expressed any curiosity about what I liked or thought. I know she was a product of her own upbringing, but I think she was a deeply unhappy person, and had been for so long, she didn’t know how to be anything else.
Piney_Dude@reddit
My mom gave me that curse. My wife wanted a third. Had to push our luck.
NeeliSilverleaf@reddit
Yeah, it was extremely obvious that my mother really never wanted to raise a child. I never did have any and no longer have the salient organs.
CanadianExiled@reddit
My parents threatened that to me all the time, it's one of the reasons I never had kids.
Minimum_Current7108@reddit
Same here
Remarkable_Monk_2136@reddit
And that’s why I don’t!
MaineMan1234@reddit
“I’ma gonna shitta you neck” said my father in his thick Italian accent, when he was pissed at us
justlkin@reddit
It was all the typical stuff.
"I'll give you something to cry about"
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out"
"Don't make me stop this car"
"I found you under a rock, I can put you back" (this was never said nor taken seriously-just as a warning to knock off the bs)
exscapegoat@reddit
My mother’s go to was “I should have left you at the home [meaning an orphanage]”. 3 great grandparents grew up in orphanages
LeslieH8@reddit
"We need to work late tonight, so you kids'll have to fend for yourself."
DoomLordofReddit@reddit
Come here dummy
Watch where you're walking dummy
Dummy sit
The dog and I were both called dummy
temporalcupcake@reddit
If we were being obnoxious in the car, my dad would just reach back and squeeze our ankles hard.
He did also like to tell my brother to "shut your face," to which my brother liked to respond by putting one hand on top of his head and the other under his chin and pretend to try to shut it.
greatlakesseakayaker@reddit
When my mother started swearing in Polish you knew you were fucked
keener_lightnings@reddit
My parents were too chill for those kinds of lines, but when my dad was a kid, my grandmother would threaten to whip him with a switch by saying "I'll cut the blood out of you" and to this day that remains the most hardcore parental threat I've ever heard 😆
nikkazi66@reddit
"If you get tired of walking you can always run" - whenever we asked for a ride anywhere.
American_Farewell@reddit
"You want to be part of that wall?!"
NotEasilyConfused@reddit
I watched my father make my younger ~18yo brother do that once. Even 6 inches shorter, he grabbed my brother by the neck and held my brother up off of his feet against the wall with 1 hand. Any harder, and he would have really been hurt.
To be fair, my brother 100% deserved it, but Mom and I were stunned. It's the only time either of us has ever seen Dad do anything like that. First, he broke an unopened quart jar of pickles all over the table and gouged a big chunk out of it. Then he was yelling, "You think you're tough? You think you're tough? I AM TOUGH!" The house was silent for a half hour after that. Don't fuck with a guy who has been farming since he was 5. Even in their 50s, they're no joke.
hypoxiate@reddit
"Do you really want to eat that?"
Local_Disaster6921@reddit
"Do you want to live to see (-insert next year's age here-)!?!?!"
lostmindz@reddit
it was always "...live to see next week?" at my house 😂
thewiremother@reddit
“Why don’t you use your head for something besides a hat rack?”
she_never_sleeps@reddit
Imma put you through the wall!
Dad was a contractor lol
summonthegods@reddit
Ok, I’ve used “because I said so” this week because, sometimes, my 10-year-old future lawyer kid is an asshole and it’s better than homicide.
To be fair, I never heard it from my parents, though. My parents were never home. My folks were more into neglect (never there) or death stares (when they were home).
Babybleu42@reddit
Anyone else too embarrassed to put what their mother said because it’s so much worse than all these? Yeah me neither.
Jsmith0730@reddit
“You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’!”
Novagurl@reddit
“You’re a liar, a stealer, and a cheat!!!”
I was under five years old 🤷🏻♀️
skiphandleman@reddit
I'll rip off your arm and beat you over the head with it!
oceansblue1984@reddit
You better eat all your dinner there are children in Africa who wish they had that food!!
BlueOrbifolia@reddit
Pow! This one landed, hard.
mojo_pin71@reddit
"Who's shoes are these?!" If we left our shoes around the house my Dad would pick them up and shout this line, regardless of the fact that they were sometimes little girl's shoes and I had one sister.
LBbird24@reddit
Yes, my dad still says this kind of thing at 78. "Who's is this?" Obviously, it's mine, and he is mad it's in his way or not where he thinks it belongs, right now, even if it's in my home, not his.
djsmurphy@reddit
Anything my dad thought we weren't doing right
"You ____ like old people fuck."
Edward_the_Dog@reddit (OP)
Stay classy, dad!
Kauffman67@reddit
Your dad talked to you? That’s cool….
Edward_the_Dog@reddit (OP)
Damn. Not really
NearlyBird809@reddit
On roadtrips to the cabin "be quiet or you'll have to sit in the garbage!" The garbage was snack wrappers etc. at mom's feet. Out of 4, Im the only one who had to do it. Drive down the highway 60mph with a little kid in the passenger's footwell? What a fantastic idea!
Grand-Maintenance-72@reddit
Don't make me pull this car over!! To me and my brother in the backseat
USAF_Retired2017@reddit
This and don’t think I won’t leave you two on the side of the road. Which she did once. We had nothing to fear back then like we do now. So, we just walked. Until she came back to pick us up.
Illustrious-Egg-5839@reddit
My mother did pull the car over, in the rain, and made us get out and stand in the rain.
Life_Transformed@reddit
“I’m going to kill you when I get home”
Aqueouspolecat@reddit
"I'm gonna fold your clothes with you in em!"
Love you dad.
Edward_the_Dog@reddit (OP)
Legendary!
D2Dragons@reddit
“Because I’m the parent, that’s why.”
TheGreatOpoponax@reddit
My mom used to say that. It was usually in response to me asking the same damn question several times.
supershinythings@reddit
“Get my belt.”
You know what happened next.
scottwricketts@reddit
"When you lie, it's like lying to Gawd." As he lied about some shit.
archedhighbrow@reddit
Do you want something to cry about. My answer was always no, of course. The alternative would have been the belt.
TheGreatOpoponax@reddit
If we were out anywhere, "I'll take you outside/Wanna go outside?" meant that if one more word came out of my mouth, I absolutely would be taken outside and given an asswhoopin'.
I still don't agree with that, but I do understand it.
CanadianExiled@reddit
My dad used to say "I'm right because I'm bigger than you!" He hated when that growth spurt hit at 16 and I was the bigger one.
AntC_808@reddit
“I know you are not stupid” as a way of saying you’re being stupid.
SwimminginHope@reddit
"THIS hurts me more than it hurts you" whenever mom gave spankings. I doubt that that spoon was to make it hurt us less...
justlkin@reddit
For my mom, it was true. My sister and I had to make a pact to put on a bit of a show when Mom spanked us so she'd think it hurt. More importantly, so our stepfather would think it hurt and not do it himself ever again. She'd cry afterwards every time and we'd comfort her. But it didn't hurt.
Adorableviolet@reddit
Everyone recalls my mom's: I'LL BURN YOU!
She would say it no matter who was around, including my elderly nun cousin Sister Jeramette.
dctune@reddit
We’re not trying to cool the outdoors!
GarlicAndSapphire@reddit
The sister of "do you live in a barn?"
martinfendertaylor@reddit
Me: BuT wHy?
Them: Because I said so!!!!
s_mcbn@reddit
“You two knock that shit off”
kmwade66@reddit
Upstairs, downstairs, or out the back door!
Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit
geez, just a litany of parental nastiness getting dumped here.
my mother used to say "when I'm dead" in response to a certain kind of overreach from us. it wasn't nasty or guilt-trippy, just a sort of wryly Catholic version of "in your dreams". being dead wasn't that big a deal from a mother who firmly believed in an afterlife.
my dad's line was "you children..." God we resented all being lumped in together like that when we were children. it's an affectionate callback we three use on each other now they're both dead.
another dad grumble was "it's all that white bread your mother feeds you" in response to health woes. another family joke now. he was a bit of a born-again health nut and hated our preference for white bread.
gun_grrrl@reddit
Sigh. There were so many. But
"Get me a beer." - I knew how to make a gin and tonic by age 7
"Go outside and blow the stink off of you" - this was usually said by 10 am and us kids would "stink" until dinner
Cooperman411@reddit
To make us behave through laughter my sweet old-fashioned mom would say, “If you don’t behave I’m gonna yank your arm out by the roots and beat you with the bloody end!” We generally laughed (her too) and then behaved.
LynnBarr123@reddit
"You kids could make a preacher cuss"
SeparateCzechs@reddit
Me “I have a stomachache”
Ma “you’re going to have an ass-ache if you don’t shut up about it.”
Simpawknits@reddit
"GIRLS!" when my sisters were being loud, my mom had a way of making that one word say a LOT. Cracked me up the first time my baby sister did the same thing to her daughters when I was visiting.
Simpawknits@reddit
Dad: "WHAT are you kids celebrating?" We quickly learned not to say "Christmas!"
LonghornJct08@reddit
“I’ll beat you black and blue and I will not be held responsible for what I do.”
Glittering_Estate_72@reddit
I'll knock you into next week.
dillpicklejohnjohn@reddit
"You don't have the brains God gave a goose!"
Obviously, I knew it was an insult but at the same time I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.
Glittering_Estate_72@reddit
My aunt: You don't have the sense god gave little green apples. I also new it was insult and was just a perplexed as you about what it was supposed to mean. Apples have brains and I don't, is that right?
Glittering_Estate_72@reddit
If you slam my (door, cabinet, fridge) again, I'm gonna slam your head.
Internal-Hat958@reddit
“Any asshole knows that” “Listen with your ears, not your mouth”
nonnybaby@reddit
A lot of the ones given here were part of my parents’ playbook. Was there a shared parenting manual going around back then?
To add to the list, my dad used to yell, “Stifle yourselves!” a la Archie Bunker.
porkchopespresso@reddit
My mom used to say “it’s harder to be the bitch” and while I would have never called my mom a bitch she always said it when I got pissed off at her riding my ass. I know now she meant it’s easier to not parent, it’s easier to have lower standards, but at the time I was always like, well shit lady take the day off then.
Traditional-Win-5440@reddit
"You better not be the one making noise!"
"Point the flashlight here. No, here. No, here!"
Unlucky_Profit_776@reddit
"Be quiet youse two!" My mom to my dad and I when we bother her. We all somehow adopted my dad's Brooklyn speak
pinktwigz@reddit
I wanted to take piano lessons as a kid. We didn’t have one. My dad said if he buys a piano and I quit lessons he would drop the piano on me. I didn’t take lessons.
freetattoo@reddit
We were the opposite. My parents bought a piano even though neither of them could play, and then they made all three of us kids take lessons to justify owning it.
karabeckian@reddit
Big Chet from Weird Science energy there.
Affectionate-Map2583@reddit
"Knock it off!" was my dad's signature line.
bebenee27@reddit
My mom always said, “you’ll dance on my grave,” and “one day you’ll write a book about me.” Good times, good times.