How many of you have kids in their 20s that are not doing well?
Posted by Legal_Significance45@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 276 comments
I am F55... Was a single mother pretty much the whole time my kids were growing up other than boyfriends here and there it was just us. I've got two that are close in age, 22 and 23 respectively.. The 23-year-old has always been the achiever, graduated early from high school, went to community college ... hit the rough patch that we all did with the pandemic and is clawing their way back. Not above doing maid work and scrubbing toilets either. The 22-year-old, is so ultra-privileged I can't believe I raised them in the same household. He was already getting into trouble in Middle School, drugs, bad friends, etc. we thought for a while that baseball would straighten him out because he liked it so much ...but he always found a reason to believe the coach was not on his side and quit.
I don't know if it's a mental health issue or what. But he cannot keep or hold a job to save his life. I rescued him and his girlfriend and her baby earlier this year and helped them find an apartment. Drained pretty much the last of my savings helping them with a car and getting set up. I just got a call last week that they were getting evicted and when I told them that they couldn't move back in with me, now neither one of them are talking to me. I'm not asking what I did wrong. At this point I'm putting my foot down and just saying that tough love is going to have to do the trick. I mean I know there's dead beats in every generation, but are you guys seeing this pattern in the Gen Z's more so? Is it just a motivation thing? I'm pretty sure my son has some narcissistic tendencies and I've seen him be abusive with his girlfriend and he's also treated me the same way yelling and posturing. What sucks is that most narcissistic people will never get help because they don't believe that anything is wrong with them it's everybody else.
I guess I'm just worried about my kid and wondering if I'm the only one
libbuge@reddit
My eldest is 24. Smart but never much of a student. Lives at home, has an ok job but one without much of a future. I can't see how he will ever afford to move out. Second kid is 22. She dropped out after one year of college. Also has an ok job, which has connections to better jobs if she is willing to give education another shot. They haven't made any life-ruining mistakes, at least. But they aren't exactly blossoming.
FROG123076@reddit
Same here smart kids no motivation.
GravySeal45@reddit
Hunger does wonders.
No-Valuable-3834@reddit
Yeah, that’s the kind of shit my Boomer parents used to say. Didn’t realize that I had undiagnosed depression and PTSD. I would starve and not give a single fuck. Nothing really mattered. So maybe rethink that line of thinking. You have no clue what they’re really going through.
GravySeal45@reddit
"I can't work on the intercontinental railroad today Zeke, I'm sad"
Laborer Intercontinental Railroad
1872
No-Valuable-3834@reddit
🚨Troll Alert🚨
Myeloman@reddit
I (54M) have three in their 20’s- 29(M), 26(M), & 23(F). Each have struggled over the years. The oldest is married and they have a 1-bdr apt they can barely afford, the middle child has some learning issues (not autistic) and worked at an Amazon warehouse for a while before quitting because the more he did for them, the more they piled on him. His learning issues make him a real stickler for rules, and it very much bothered him that none of his fellow employees or the managers followed the rules. He has yet to find another job, despite being a certified welder. The youngest just finally found another job and has a pretty good BF so things are looking up there. Now if we can just get #2 employed and both #2 & #3 out living in their own…
Thing is, about 17 years ago I fell ill with what they deemed a terminal bold cancer. My wife has always even a stay-at-home mom and home schooled the kids (with the help of a charter school). Each of our kids is different from the other and each thrived under her tutelage (my wife is smart AF) and the charter school allowed us to teach each kid with a different curriculum to suit them. We even got some special classes for the one with learning difficulties. But overarching it all was my diagnosis. I ended up getting a bine marrow transplant and things are much improved, and honestly it was a blessing being able to spend so much time with them all.
The world, or wt least our country, has changed so much in such a short time I don’t even honestly know how to help them find jobs now. The last few jobs I had I found in the local newspapers and had very little ga-so in my employment, and we could afford for my wife to be home with the kids (daycare would’ve eaten up her paycheck entirely) and had a modest, albeit older house (ca. 1914) on a very generous lot. Now my kids can’t even afford a 1 bedroom apt on two salaries, let alone think about having kids.
Are my kids lazy? Sure, but weren’t we all at that age? Are they entitled? No more so than we were. We’ve kept them pretty grounded in reality, but the fact remains that their reality is harder to survive financially than ours was. Do I want them out of the house? You betchya! Am I going to toss them to the wolves? Nope. We brought them into this world, and we see it as a lifelong commitment to parent them. Whether that’s advice, or a place to stay, or maybe just some groceries when they find themselves in a jam. I’m not saying our way is the right way, it’s what we’ve committed to. YMMV. Ultimately we each have to decide how to parent our kids. You do you.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
I do think there's a difference in generations. When we were young a lot of us where either "asked" to leave at 18-21 or left because people that lived at home were a fucking joke and we wanted to live our live. A lot of people had mom and dad in the back ground as a safety net but you'd sell your blood before you'd ask for the $50 you're short on rent. Nobody expected much and working a couple of shitty jobs to pay the rent was just par for the course. I think the kids now simply don't understand why they can't live in the same manor they always have, they think that they should be able to live the same lifestyle as someone who's been in the working world for 30 years because they went to college. Sadly a lot of parents in our generation agree with them, let them live in their homes for "free", let them travel the world and buy boujee things while they are paying to feed a full grown employed adult. Honestly I understand why, we've never told them to go earn it themselves, our parents would have never tolerated this shit. We're coddling them and it's making them weak and it will hurt them in the end.
GravySeal45@reddit
Absolutely. My mom made it CLEAR that at 18 I was OUT. So imagine my surprise when I turned 18 but had another year of HS to go because I F'd around too much and had to be a "Super Senior" and also work and go to HS.
We also lived with as many room mates as we could find to make it possible. Now thanks to the POISON of social media, we have young adults thinking they need to be able to walk out of HS or College into a 6 figure salary and a nice apartment and car. Pffft, get real.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
I lived with so many weird and in hind site wonderful people just so I could afford rent. It was easy to be poor when you lived with other poor people, nobody judged you when you only had $0.85 and didn't get paid for a couple of days. We had such a strong poor people economic system I often didn't notice I was living hand to mouth.
libbuge@reddit
My kids don't believe that.
Consistent_Ice7857@reddit
Cute anecdote but my motivation to succeed wasn’t because I hated my parents. I wanted to succeed so I wasn’t a complete disappointment
Consistent_Ice7857@reddit
This is a failure in parenting…. 🤷♀️
Don’t allow them to live at home. They have zero motivation to get a better job
DorktorJones@reddit
Your 24 yo sounds just like my 25 yo, if you add in a smattering of "smokes too much pot" in there. Smart, kind, respectful kid, but zero drive.
Significant_Ear_2176@reddit
23 yo has mental health issues. Started with an eating disorder in high school——-grew later to drugs and alcohol. She has 2 kids with the most functional meth addict you’ve ever seen——but meth addict none the less. She mostly refuses treatment. Cell phone use absolutely destroyed her….ADHD with poor impulse control. Fighting over cell phone use just about destroyed our relationship and it’s still not healed 6+ years later.
20 yo with Audhd but very very high functioning. He is better about treatment but he has lots of self hatred for being socially delayed. He’s really lonely for friends, girlfriend whatever. It breaks my heart.
14 yo ——-grew up with front row seats to everyone’s mental health issues. So he’s learned a lot of coping skills in the process. He’s the most easy going of all——so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I got smart this time——no phone, only an Apple Watch.
cmuadamson@reddit
All the kids in their 20s that I have talked to say they have a bleak outlook because they've been told their whole life that the world will die from climate change. They figure why bother?
People were so obsessed with stuffing that in children's heads that they never considered that you probably shouldn't put global problems on kids. Now they're all fucked up.
We dealt with nuclear war issues, but it was always the potential result if relations with the USSR got real bad. They never did, so it was all a background threat.
But Gen Z just got "you're all going to die from climate change, it's too late" and we're all baffled why they're unmotivated and have anxiety.
CyborkMarc@reddit
It would have been nice if the older generations didn't destroy the planet though
Ok-Strength4804@reddit
They have been told that their whole lives because there’s truth to it.
unfurnishedbedrooms@reddit
As a former bad kid and young adult: Boundaries are GOOD for kids. Especially adult kids. If you're there to rescue them every single time, even when it isn't an emergency, then they'll stop doing it for themselves, if they ever started. It is SUPER painful for both parties when parent(s) say no, but often it forces the kid (now adult) to show up for their own life. It's also ok to say: here are the parameters of my assistance- if you can't help yourself with that then I cannot help you anymore.
I know it's hard. But it saved me when my parents stopped giving in whenever I called asking for help and money. It's a privilege to have parents that help you. Not a given.
Quietus76@reddit
My kids are:
27, married, 2 kids, owns her own business.
25, married, 1st kid induced today, just re-enlisted in the USAF
22, addict, sabotages himself, hates everyone, hasn't talked to me in a few years.
14, pretty confident he'll be fine.
Idk what happened with the 3rd one. I tried my best. He was always rebellious and angry. I hope he can figure things out and be happy.
GazelleSubstantial76@reddit
My middle child was my rebellious and angry kiddo. He went through a rough patch and he didn't talk to me or his siblings for a couple years.
He hit rock bottom and reached out about a year and half ago and asked for help getting clean and getting away from the bad influences he had surrounded himself with.
It was a process, but I agreed to help him, with an arrangement in writing, with conditions and clear expectations. I told him he had one final chance at me helping him, and there wasn't going be any more chances after this. And if he fucked it up, I would drop him off back where I picked him up. I had to be tough, to show that tough love, and work through it. His plan was to get clean and join the military, and get away from all the crap he was involved with. And he did. It took about 5 months from the time I picked him up to when he shipped off for basic training. He's in the military now, and plans to stay in and retire.
So, there's hope. And I hope your child gets through this season of their life and finds healing on the other side of it.
My oldest is married with 2 kids, and doing pretty good. My youngest is in college, but also working 3/4 time and pays most of her own bills.
Quietus76@reddit
Im glad he's making an effort and seems to be doing better. Good luck.
Lucky-Burglar1862@reddit
M57 here. I have four all very hard workers and strive for achievement. One is a flight paramedic, one a small business owner, one a career Air Force service member and the youngest a vice detective in a larger Midwest city. My youngest has completely cut himself off from the rest of us. He claims it's a result of a different ideology and he was an outcast as a child when he was younger. His narrative... and no one in the family agrees with his version. I think it's a deeper issue. As a young officer he was the first on scene to a murder, his best friend from childhood, shortly after that he was first to respond to a cyclist/pedestrian accident, it was his favorite HS teacher who was struck and killed by a drunk driver, his teacher died in his arms, mind you, he was 21 when that occured. The following year he was involved in a felony murder suspect pursuit, chasing the guy on foot through the woods and was shot at close range, he was lucky. Put on top of all the tha, doing daily police work in vice, I feel he suffers from PTSD and we have tried to get him to seek counseling but he just middle fingers us. It's heart breaking, this is not who he is. He changed when he became an officer. I just want my son back. I feel your hurt.
DoomLordofReddit@reddit
I think yo
MundaneHuckleberry58@reddit
That’s a good point. I felt/ feel like my parents were dismissive & unreceptive to hearing about & acknowledging my actual lived experience. It feels especially alienating given that my brothers seem to have had a different & much more positive experience with them.
Like OPs struggling child I was the youngest. And so 1- I was younger and more susceptible to enduring my parents’ addiction (whereas older siblings are already closer to one foot out the door and/or their lives already more independent from their parents) and 2- built more sensitive to/attuned to seeing their addiction behaviors as an awkward homebody with few friends.
Finally and most importantly- two things can be true! the addict parent can have been “fine” as a parent to their older children (who then validate to the parent that things weren’t as bad as the youngest claims) and spiraled way more out of control by the time the youngest is coming of age. Kids notice a helluva lot more than OP might think.
Ricekake33@reddit
I would like to add to this and say the same holds true for marital problems and downturns. The youngest gets the brunt of that because they’re the last ones there. Some marriages reach a place where the parents kind of sense that their behavior has gotten bad but still not that bad (hence they’re not divorced yet)- during that time they have no idea how bad it’s become. The kids, especially youngest- see and live it all
OryxTempel@reddit
On the other hand, the eldest try to shield the youngest from the shitshow. That was me. I was the one who saw/heard/felt the abuse and tried to make sure lil sis got none of that.
Ricekake33@reddit
🙏🏼
yummy_gummies@reddit
In my experience, initially my eldest child was more screwed up, because she was much more aware of what was going on in the marriage. The younger one came out of the divorce from the adulterer narcissist slightly better off, because she knew less at the time. My eldest and I shielded her! They were 14 and 10 years old back then. 😭
It's been 12 years and they are currently 26 and 23. Over time the hurt has kind of stabilized between the two, but the youngest cares much more deeply. The eldest wrote him off much earlier than the younger one did. She had to find out for herself, and she did!
Melodic_Arachnid_765@reddit
This is my story too. The addiction was always there causing chaos and fear, but it got exponentially worse when my older sibling left home and then I was all alone to take the brunt of it.
DoomLordofReddit@reddit
Because what I said was dismissed about pretty much anything and everything, I had to learn to be an observer.
Consequently, I became a sorta expert on every member of my family. I followed what they said and did assiduously in an effort to understand. There is more to that line of thought, but I should probably leave it there.
Socalwarrior485@reddit
Whether or not we believe it’s the truth, it’s THEIR truth. Rejecting their truth is rejecting them.
I don’t have all the same experience with our kids, but I do have experience going no contact with my father. I don’t remember him ever saying he loved me, and his dismissive attitude showed me he didn’t really.
With my kids, because my wife started it, we tell them all we love them almost every day or at least when we see them or text them. It felt weird at first because of the lack of affection I received, but now it’s one of the most important things for my kids. I don’t know if it changed them, but they are great kids. I am just so proud of what they’ve accomplished in a world that is much harder to navigate than the one I was raised in.
Federal-Membership-1@reddit
I had the "I love you" growing up. My wife did not. She broke that cycle with our two kids.
purplepixie73@reddit
This ^ You may not be able to see things from their perspective, but it does not mean how they perceive things is invalid.
Sea-Oven-7560@reddit
how things are perceived are often invalid it justifies people being assholes. I have a sib that will tell you about how they were abused growing up and how horrible their life was. They'll talk about how our father would smack up around, which is absolute bullshit I lived in the same house at the same time and pretty much saw everything and there was no physical abuse, the sib is just making shit up, it's a great story but it's just a story perceived or otherwise it's not valid.
AdComplex1289@reddit
Oh God, yes. Especially as the first 4 were all 2 years apart, and then a 5-year gap between #4 and me. I didn't feel taken seriously into my 40s.
raleighguy222@reddit
As the youngest, I was thinking the EXACT same thing. It's not obvious to the rest of the family because they weren't on the receiving of it from Day One.
Most people don't think to themselves, "Oh, I belittle and ignore" so and so. In their minds, that's not whatever it is they do, but that is exactly what it is.
Lucky-Burglar1862@reddit
To be clear, I am a retired firefighter, our family has been in the public safety sector for a few generations. This is my first time experiencing this situation. Past generations of our family probably dealt with those situations differently, including myself. No one ever drove a wedge in the family, though.
duchess_of_nothing@reddit
Sounds like you're extremely dismissive of him and his reasons.
My mom was too, and it was my therapist who told me I don't have to have a relationship with her if it's not a positive one.
Sounds like you and the other kids are an echo chamber. I highly suggest really reflecting on what he has said and not explaining it away by trauma. If his idealogies are different from you, and you support the current administration, I understand why he stepped away.
Confident-Silver-271@reddit
I just wanted to say thank you for your service and I'm sorry your youngest is struggling.
ezgomer@reddit
I was going through depression - all of my mid and late 20s. Makes it very difficult to launch. Not bad enough to be hospitalized but enough for weekly therapy and meds.
My parents supported me through all of that but I also kept working, even crappy retail jobs - just something to show that I respected them and was thankful for the help. I also kept pursuing career jobs even though I changed directions 3 or 4 times.
Finally - at the age of 31, I could 100% pay all my own bills. 31!!!!! Meanwhile my younger brother was out on his own and completely independent by 24.
I’m all for helping your kids, but that entitlement and disrespect? Oh no no no no.
SpatulaCity1a@reddit
I know it's not my business, but it probably wouldn't hurt to try taking him at his word. He does seem to be dealing with a lot, but political tensions are dividing a lot of families right now and if you're posting it on Facebook or can't stop yourself from bringing it up at dinner or during visits or whatever, it wouldn't be the first time it alienated someone with opposing views.
I don't know you so I may be off base here, but I wouldn't underestimate the damage being outspoken about politics can do to relationships.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
I wish I could say that my 22-year-old son had a PTSD disorder or reason for his behavior. I'm sure there's all kinds of stuff that I don't know about. I'm sorry to hear about yours I understand that feeling of just wanting them to be okay.
Careless_Lion_3817@reddit
Has he ever had any psychological evaluation? I was/am the black sheep in my family…the only one who struggled with addiction (outside my grandparents)…the one and only single parent (outside some aunts and uncles)..,only one struggling with finances, etc.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Yeah I think he's got some borderline personality issues and his psychologist when he was a teen said that he's definitely narcissistic that's why he won't agree that he needs to work on himself.
We even had to 5150 him at some point while he was a teenager because he was threatening to kill himself because he didn't get his way. Poor kid has been trauma and drama his whole life..
Careless_Lion_3817@reddit
Mmm…yes…definitely could be BPD or NPD. I feel like I have tendencies myself but only after being in an extremely toxic relationship with someone who most likely was BPD or NPD or both. Got me to see my own bs and working on it…those with NPD will never recognize it…does he recognize his own issues and make genuine efforts to seek help?
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
No..hes way too caught up in being the victim and blaming everyone else. Very narcissistic and verbally abusive... He even had an ex-girlfriend accuse him of rape, so I feel like he's capable of some dark stuff. Listening to the way he argued with his girlfriend right in front of the baby was horrific and made me squirm inside
Careless_Lion_3817@reddit
Ok. Sorry to hear that. Have you also sought help? I know that I’m not a single mom for no reason…I don’t have my issues for no reason…I might not be NPD but I have issues and if I don’t address them head on…I’m spreading the disease…
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Believe me therapy is my best friend LOL and I am 2 years sober and free from my LAST abusive relationship 😔
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
I’m really sorry, but you’ve buried the lede here. If you’ve been an addict and in abusive relationships, that’s why your son is the way he is. If he’s grown up with dysfunction, he’s repeating the cycle. It’s not an age thing. And the older one might be doing well-ish on the surface, but there’s trauma there.
You are doing the right thing by not enabling the younger son now. But what you’ve brought up here should probably be taken to therapy. There are a lot of layers to this onion.
Hour-Theory-9088@reddit
Reading OP’s and other comments (especially comments invalidating a child’s perspective) makes me think of an article that’s commonly shared on forums for children who are estranged from their parents. Good read if you haven’t seen it before:
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
Absolutely, I link to that article a lot.
lisanstan@reddit
Wow, I should have read further. This doesn't change my comment, but it does put more context into the ability of her son to change. I grew up with an alcoholic mom who had physically abusive boyfriends (many of them). My brother (2 years older) and I handled it completely differently. He also became an addict and spent years struggling to get his life together. He has no relationship with his own son. I left home after high school and joined the military to get far, far away.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
We have done a lot as a family for therapy and the last relationship was not while they were growing up it was just recently (2 yrs) and it snuck up on me as well. I was a "functional" drinker when they were in the late teens, but was able to quit cold turkey after health scare.
Tallulah_Gosh@reddit
As someone in their 50s whose primary parent would also have described themselves as a "functional drinker", this might not be something you want to hear but a)it still impacted my life choices and world view and b) you probably weren't as functional as you think you were.
I didn't have a bad childhood by all accounts and I've long made my peace with the bits that were less than idyllic but in my 20s, I wasn't making the greatest choices. That was largely down to what was going on at home in my mid to late teens.
It's also incredibly frustrating, when you have lived with someone with an alcohol problem, when they appear to minimise the impact it had on others by describing themselves as a "functional" or "casual" drinker. It made me massively doubt myself for a long time and there was a whole bucket full of resentment that still hasn't completely gone away.
Maybe a therapist would disagree, but to me, making the distinction isn't helpful and it feels like a sidestep in taking accountability and truly recognising how impactful growing up in a house where alcohol is an issue can be, regardless of whether the person was able to hold down a job and buy groceries.
Not claiming to be an expert, just a personal point of view that might give a little food for thought.
AvailableAd6071@reddit
Ding Ding Ding....
Electronic_Syrup7592@reddit
Maybe he was threatening to kill himself because he was suicidal, not because he “wasn’t getting his way”. I’m seeing a huge part of the problem here is the parent.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Im sorry, didn't get into detail...but it was literally because he was given boundaries and not allowed to just smoke pot in his room and be a delinquent... You know, sometimes we do the best we can
Electronic_Syrup7592@reddit
We absolutely do the best we can. My parenting could have used a lot of improvement for sure. Still, I think you’re not looking deep enough here. This screams “I’m self medicating with need and feel suicidal and need help” to me, not “I’m trying to manipulate people to get what I want”.
EmrldRain@reddit
Any adhd history?
Ricekake33@reddit
If I may try to gently offer a different perspective:
This chasm between you and your son isn’t about truth, facts or accuracy. It’s about experience, emotion, and perception.
Your youngest’s narrative is best not looked at as something to “agree” or “disagree”with. It’s his experience of his upbringing. By disagreeing with him, you are inadvertently invalidating him. Telling him his experience didn’t happen. Nobody likes to be told they’re wrong, but especially when it’s about a feeling.
If you ever want get to know your son, you will have to put down YOUR narrative(s) and be open to listening to his. Not for accuracy, but for UNDERSTANDING. Even if it seems like it makes you the villain. Seeming like a villain is not the same as being a villain. It’s not easy, but take it from a kid whose experience was invalidated by their own parents and who myself has kids that I worked (and work) damn hard to never ever do that to. The way he’s making you all feel is exactly how he felt/feels- and cutting you off is the only way he can communicate that feeling.
Sending you my earnest best wishes, and also much gratitude to your entire family for all of your service.
ImmaculateDecepti0n@reddit
I cannot upvote this enough. That young man is suffering and needs love and compassion from his family. ESPECIALLY when it’s difficult to understand where he’s coming from.
Lucky Burglar: please don’t hold your son’s perspective against him. He needs love and acceptance from you no matter what differences in viewpoints you all hold.
JKnott1@reddit
I have three relatives that went into law enforcement. All three of them are 100% different people now. It's like someone else took over their brains completely. I don't speak with any of them anymore. It really sucks. They were awesome before they became LEOs. I miss them terribly.
Separate-Swordfish40@reddit
It doesn’t matter that none of you agree he was on the outside. He felt like he was. Your refusal to acknowledge his hurt from childhood drove this wedge in the family.
xjeanie@reddit
Please continue trying to get him help. He’s been through traumatic events. Police have a very high suicide rate. Please I implore you.
My father was in law enforcement for 27 years. Before his passing he confided in me that his love of his children were the reason he never ate a bullet. His words. He had nightmares screaming that as his caregiver and daughter I witnessed. He would never share with me what those nightmares were about exactly. Saying it was bad enough it was in his head he wouldn’t put it in mine. The only hint I had was he’d say “stuff with kids”.
Please don’t give up on him.
crafty_loser@reddit
Omg, I’m about to go no contact with all of my children.
grimbasement@reddit
My kids suck. Neither have graduated high school (I've been mostly out of the picture) when I left a shitty marriage when my oldest was 12 it's been 10 years and I've thrived since leaving. The youngest (19m) has been reaching out to me more recently, the 22yo has been hitting the gym trying to become a fitness influencer and works sporadically at a gym and that's pretty rad... I mean it's his life. X is so codependent that they may never leave moms house... I feel bad and guilty sometimes but my life is objectively better than it was for most of it.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
Did you thrive because you left the shitty partner, or are you thriving because you left the kids too? The way this post sounds, it’s almost like you’re saying you had to leave the kids too in order to thrive. I mean, I get not being the type who should have kids. You definitely should want them if you’re going to have them. That said though, once they’re made, no matter how shitty the partner is, I’m having a hard time understanding why it’s okay to abandon them? Why not take them with you? For at least half the time? Not sure what state you’re in but mine pretty much defaults to 50/50 custody unless one parent is TRULY unfit. Was there a custody battle you lost?
grimbasement@reddit
Didn't abandon them... They didn't want me in their lives because things were just so dysfunctional. We had 50/50 custody but I was always the bad cop bad dad, the source of all family problems. I tried to have a relationship.... We went to family therapy for a while before and after the divorce.... Both kids attempted suicide and one of them threatened me with a knife.... The therapist pulled me aside and told me "As a professional I am never supposed to say this but your kids have a near zero chance of a normal life with the way your X parents". So I take calls from them when they want to reach out but I am finished affirmatively attempting to cultivate a relationship. It's one of the most effed up situations I have ever seen.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
Now I’m really curious. How bad is your ex?
Mine was a coke and sex addict. He DID abandon his son. It’s why I read your post the way I read it I think. I’m the one who left him and took our son with me, but I didn’t know the full extent of what my ex was doing until a number of years later. I thought he was just cheating on me, and so in court I was willing to split custody 50/50. He stopped showing for visits. At first, I pushed him to show. After all, my son got really upset when he didn’t. There’s nothing sadder than a 4 yr old crying in the backseat, waiting for his father to arrive at the exchange point and knowing he won’t. He’d straight up ask why his father didn’t love him. I’d give him some excuse like “daddy’s car broke down” and we’d go grab some ice cream or something for a treat and then go home.
I asked my ex why he stopped showing up and his answer was “I have a life”. Apparently not one that involved a kid. I stopped asking and started snooping. THAT is when I found a mutual friend willing to talk. He was doing coke. A lot. The “life” was literally hookers and blow. He didn’t even try to really see our son again until our son was 17 yrs old. By then my son barely remembered him and wanted nothing to do with him.
Vextor21@reddit
I agree with your comment on tough love. My parents coddled my younger sister. She’s turning 50 next year and has never had a job. It’s not the generation, it’s the person.
lebohemienne@reddit
What does she do all day?
shefallsup@reddit
My 28YO is a failure to launch. I attempted to put my foot down a year ago about the fact that we’re still supporting her while she works a dead end part time job and isn’t even trying very hard, but husband handled the conversation and wussed out on the tough love. Which is funny because he’s the one who most resents sending the $$ every month. We were supposed to be giving her a year runway and then stopping the $$, but it’s been more than a year now and everyone has forgotten. I’m realizing I’m going to have to be the bad guy, as usual, and tell the kid we’re kicking her off the parental gravy train. Which sucks but I think if she doesn’t gain her independence now she’ll never learn how, and that’s a worse thing to do to your kid.
justisme333@reddit
Personal anecdote...
I never left home until 28... but parents NEVER gave me money.
Why would a parent pay their adult child to stay home?
I was expected to give them a monthly chunk of cash to cover expenses, and I was expected to help out regularly with household management such as groceries, laundry, cooking, and yard work.
shefallsup@reddit
Congrats to you. My daughter isn’t living at home.
Consistent_Ice7857@reddit
Parenting failure
shefallsup@reddit
I guess you’re a perfect parent. 🙄
Horror_Ad_1845@reddit
Maybe they could live together? But, it could be bad for the 25 year old driven one.
shefallsup@reddit
Oh God no. They would kill each other!
Horror_Ad_1845@reddit
I have 2 kids in their 20’s. I understand.
hopelesscaribou@reddit
Not a chance, that's just shifting the burden of care and support onto the other child. It's not their job to support their sibling.
shefallsup@reddit
Yes, and they are pretty toxic together.
snaddysook@reddit
24 doing well.
18 with depression and anxiety- trying different meds. Not working anywhere yet.
inafishbowl17@reddit
STOP.
It's nothing you did. They make their own choices.
My oldest and youngest are successful. My middle child, I haven't seen in 4 years. He's an addict and after 10 years and 10s of thousands of dollars trying to save him, I had enough. I can't fix him. He's 33 now and just spent a few weeks in jail for whatever random bullshit.
Co-dependancy can destroy you. You need to stick to your boundaries. His problems and choices are not yours.
On the other side of the coin. I retired early at 58 when offered a package. My co-worker, who is 60, is still working since his 40 year old son moved back home 4 years ago and can't hold down a job.
It's hard when you love your children, but you need to take care of yourself first. If not, you yourself could very well end up being a burden on the successful children.
StevieNickedMyself@reddit
I was the fuck-up kid in my parents' life. Honestly I still am. Boiled/boils down to three things for me: undiagnosed autism, addiction and mental health issues.
saytherosary@reddit
Same.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Yeah for me it was undiagnosed adhd, mental health and trauma issues, and definitely some addiction/alcoholism
BraveRefrigerator552@reddit
If you have adhd you probably passed it on, did you test your son?
Substantial-Spare501@reddit
So you have these issues, it’s likely your son has something like this too. Often 30s are when mental health issues really arise. You did the right thing here; if he comes back around, encourage him to get a diagnosis and treatment.
Maleficent_Opening72@reddit
Actually mental health issues can start late teens / early twenties
Substantial-Spare501@reddit
Sorry that was typo, it should have said 20s
halijojo@reddit
And how did you move forward, and are there any parallels with your son’s current situation? Was your older child born into less stability than your second?
hmmmpf@reddit
My almost 29F daughter (my only kid) has a college degree, but works at a natural foods grocery store. Not in management, but also not checking people out.
She lived at home for a couple of years after college, and had just finished her ESL teaching certification and had a placement in Korea right as Covid hit. So you know how that went.
Here in Portland, she makes enough to have a studio apt on her own in a great walkable neighborhood. She doesn’t drive. She moving later this month into a great vintage 2 BR place with a friend that’s nicer than anything I was living in at that age (when I had her.)
I had to cosign for these young women, but trust them. The friend is the one is moving back to PDX from NYC and has no job yet, but she’s got a brand new masters degree in publishing, but also has some computer programming background, where she worked prior to her move to NYC. If push comes to shove, my daughter can afford this apt on her own if she does nothing else in her life.
Gobucks21911@reddit
Not mine. My 21yo is very driven, in college and working a demanding full time job. Most of the Gen Z kids I know are more driven than the older generations.
Iobbywatson@reddit
I don't know why you are being downvoted. The kids mostly doing well is mostly due to good parenting. I'm embarrassed for my generation for the lack of accountability in this thread.
My 22 year old is doing good. Getting married in 2 months. Got a good job with no degree. Her 22 year old fiancee is a lineman apprentice in a program with AEP. Her 25 year old sister owns her own nail salon. Most of her friends she kept from school are doing well in top of that.
Gobucks21911@reddit
Ha, I didn’t even notice I was downvoted. It’s okay, I don’t take it personally. Whatev.
WordySpark@reddit
23yo son. Lives at home and probably always will. I'm okay with that. We get along and have great conversations. He's super smart but not very motivated. Dropped out of college and has been working the same retail job for 2+ years. He pays me a set amount from each paycheck. He has mental health issues he's getting help for, and does struggle with adulting.
I've learned the best approach is to meet him where he is and engage him in conversation regarding things he enjoys -- even if I have no interest in those things. Whatever it takes to keep him talking and being open. I don't push, but I do point out things / make observations. I'm just giving him the space to figure out his life while being as supportive and loving as possible -- without coddling or letting him walk all over me.
All in all, I can't complain. He's not on drugs, he's never been in trouble with the law, he hasn't gotten anyone pregnant, he doesn't have any beef with anyone. He has a small circle of friends who are good people. Honestly, given the state of the world he's come to age in, what more could I ask for?
Best_Emu5111@reddit
I am my son is 26 and just started acting really odd over the previous few months out of curiosity. I just merely suggested to get a mental health evaluation. Come to find out he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was flabbergasted, but I’m very thankful that I just chose on a whim to suggest a healthy evaluation. He is doing OK now but I’m glad I caught it now. Then later they say that this usually happens before they turn the age of 26 FYI.
feelingmyage@reddit
That’s terrific that you suggested it, he did it, and now it’s being managed–a great outcome!
RegularScientist7379@reddit
57F with a 27-year-old son and 23-year-old daughter. Neither have ever made close friends and our family is pretty much non-existent (their father passed and no aunts/uncle's in the picture). It's been us three for five years. We all work FT. My son saved enough $ to buy a house pre-covid but it's absolutely not possible here anymore. This economy and housing market not only affects our adult children but us parents too. I'll rest when I know they are both settled in their own lives and able to "make it," whatever that looks like today. Until then, many 🙏s.
Lizzyfetty@reddit
Wow now I see why USA Gen X are made different. I have never heard people my age sound as Boomery as this conversation. I think its super hard to be motivated when the world is imploding around you. I think they get that most white collar work will go in the next 10 years or so. I remember leaving school in the middle of a recession, it was SO crappy. Getting a shit job was difficult and I did not earn a decent wage till nearly 30. Its worse now, that said if your kid is an A-hole that is on you, but if it is just about work motivation have some sympathy.
Technical_Slip393@reddit
I note you don't give the gender of your first but "maid" might mean girl? My admittedly limited personal experience us that (a) boys generally are struggling now, so maybe it's his age, but also (b) boys of single moms seem to have common issues.
My aunt, a hardworking nurse, had one son as a single mom. Your description of your son could 100% be of him. Except they thought it would be football. She bailed him out of accidents, arrests, etc. for years. He's almost 50, and he never straightened out. Now that she's gone, he's lost everything and is unemployed, living in a van, and the rest of the family lives in fear that he is going to steal from them or hurt them.
My very good friend, a lawyer, had two sons and a daughter as a single mom. Her daughter has excelled through life. Her boys started off ROUGH, as you describe. They were turned around by (legitimate) fighting and trade school after some arrests in their teens/20s. They are almost 40 and doing alright now.
(My point in their professions is that it seems to cut across economic status. The common denominator seems to be these boys with uninvolved dads, and I'm not sure what the fix is or if there is one that will work consistently. My cousin who was an involved dad but not with the mom, his kids, boy (early 30s) and girl (20s), turned out fine. Not a judgment of single moms, just an observed pattern in my own life.)
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Nailed it!
My older one is Non-Binary, born Female, so I am learning how to use pronouns all over! LOL
Now, there's also always been competition between them, but instead of rising to the occasion, my boy thought it was easier to go down the rabbit hole of bas choices and tons of life bullshit I would never have allowed to happen to me.
What I mean is, that I played it rough when I was 19-20, and I learned after about a year or maybe even 6 months that I was NOT cut out for that life and it would kill me or worse, chew me up and spit me out - which it did. I suffered guilt and shame for years and never thought I was good enough under all my spirit and spitfire lol...I was probably too honest with my flaws as a mom, but that is under the bridge
. He's been out for over 2 years and should know how to survive by now. And I would hope he'd learned his lesson 'dancin with the devil' in so many ways, ;) He's got a big trauma complex and it gets worse cuz he's just manifesting it with bad choices.
I didn't realize how salty I was about the whole thing and not hearing from him and worrying now... It's something I have to let go of cuz I have no control and I shut my door. I have to live with that choice, it didn't mean I wouldn't give him support, I made that clear, I just have to figur out my own shit tooi.
Technical_Slip393@reddit
My friend said she eventually had to step back as well. She wasn't in a lucrative career, and she needed to look out for herself and her daughter at some point. They were adults, and choices have consequences. That is one difference between her and my aunt. My aunt never stepped back. I'm not sure I could either, so no judgment either way. I hope he figures things out. You sound like a good mom.
Human_Copy_4355@reddit
I have five kids and two are really struggling. They have diagnosed mental health issues that are treatment resistant, though, so we know exactly why. One is improving a lot and one really wants to but it's hindered by his health and that's not his fault. I'm absolutely terrified by the cuts in Medicaid because he is diagnosed with a disability and has the disability waiver and may need that support for years. I have barely been able to hold a part-time job for the past few years as I've been taking care of them. I need to get back to full-time work but I can only do that if I can get him help via Medicaid.
Normal-Sun450@reddit
Two kids: 31- Male, married- owns 2 businesses. 30-Female, married- has a successful career, living in NYC since she was 18.
My husband and I were very clear with them - school, work, friends and family all important. They each had part time jobs in high school and college.
We paid for their education and let them know they were welcome to live with us for 1 year after college graduation- neither did. They were already launched.
I know we are fortunate. We also worked very hard. We married in our early 20s, finished college and graduated school and had two babies before we were 25. We focused on our family, our relationship and our careers.
Vegetable-Orchid1789@reddit
Like many others have said, there's nothing more important for a young boy than to have a strong quality father at home. As much love as a mother can give, she just can't give what a father can. And the outcome of this situation is almost always the same. And here we are.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
Do boys need male role models. Yep! Should those male role models be their abusive fathers? Nope!
OP left her ex because he was physically abusive. She mentions it in the comments. That’s not role model material.
gogogadgitbonzo@reddit
I have one who won’t fly the nest. She has a job ,pays rent. She’s a slob and her living areas are constantly needing cleaning ( it’s almost hoarding level at times ). Yesterday she hit a parked car and drove away - home. Hysterical. Had to hop in the car with her and drive back to the scene of the crime. She “didn’t know what to do”. She’s 25 btw.
Also just as a side note she was extremely ungrateful - when she’s upset she is mean, lashing out. So while I was trying to help her, she was just yelling at me . She was driving erratically ( through where she just hit the parked car ) and I was trying to help her not hit another car ) . She constantly treats me like this but i continue to let her live at the house. It’s like a weird abusive relationship . If it was my spouse, I’d leave them. But because it’s my kid who can’t live on her own…..
GravySeal45@reddit
You are making excuses for her. The longer you support her and enable her the longer she stays crippled.
I have ADHD and I'm 54 and by most measures, a successful productive adult. I took everything they had at varying times starting in the 70s and went to different counselors all my life.
The difference is that my parents always drilled into me that "If you don't work, you don't eat" and I don't like being hungry or sleeping outside.
The sooner you let your ungrateful mooch daughter (based on your own descriptions) actually FEEL the results of her choices and shitty attitude, the sooner she can start maturing into an adult. As it is, why WOULD she change anything, food, rent, Internet, gas and car insurance I assume, are all just FREE, she would be stupid to give that up as long as you are offering it.
gogogadgitbonzo@reddit
She does pay rent - we have saved 30000 in a savings account - which we are using for travel instead of gifting to her.
But yes we enable her , however I did make her call insurance and she will be doing all the work on the claim for the accidents.
LaLunacy@reddit
If it was my spouse, I’d leave them. But because it’s my kid who can’t live on her own...
This hits home. Can't tell you how often I think this. My son has Autism (what used to be called Asperger's)/ADHD/depression. I'm a single mom who works full time, and when I'm not on his ass to get shit done he just sits around the house playing video games. And resents me for not letting him do so when I'm home.
I see you!
Emergency-Produce-19@reddit
You should yell at her more
Otherwise_Coyote4885@reddit
My 22 year old made a 32 on his ACT and gave up his full ride to become a tradesman. On pace to make about $125k (in south Louisiana) this year as an electrician.
throwitfarandwide_1@reddit
Professor here. College isn’t for everyone. Trades can be a secure and lucrative path. Be proud of him. He now has book smarts and street smarts.
Otherwise_Coyote4885@reddit
With his mom, stepmom and myself all having advanced degrees took it a hard at first, but he has thrived and we are all proud of him.
throwitfarandwide_1@reddit
Same. Have two just like him. Had to learn to accept who they are and that not everyone enjoys academics. Nor is a degree a guaranteed path in 2025 like it was in 1980s.
IronBallsMcChing@reddit
Being a very late bloomer myself, I can relate to your post.
The best advice I would offer for this younger generation is to find a mentor and/or engage in new social circles. Someone with a successful background in whatever career path they want to follow. If you hang out with 5 millionaires, you will be the 6th.
Second, if you don't have a specific goal in mind (career-wise), do work that interests you. And damn be to all the naysayers. Not everyone wants to run a hedge fund and be super-wealthy. Nor should they. This country already has enough greedy, self-centered a-holes.
We (America) needs to know that any honest work is honorable work. Also, we need to give respect to any job and stop thumbing our noses at the guy, "flipping burgers at McDonald's".
Whatever you do, do it the best you can. Take pride in your work. Remember, "How you do anything, is how you do everything".
Embrace and be open to change. The things we put off doing because they seem too hard, complex or inconvenient, are the things we need to be doing most. Sometimes, a change of scenery is not only good, it might be a necessity. $50k/year won't get you a shared bedroom in Los Angeles or New York, but you could buy your own home in Youngstown, Ohio.
mjh8212@reddit
My oldest is 26 my mother did everything she could to get him from me and pretty much succeeded. I taught him hard work pays off raised him to be independent and taught him how to take care of a house and cook. Strangely my mother told him the chores he had was a form of abuse he was a servant. His sister four years younger had the same upbringing but since my son was a boy he shouldn’t have had rules consequences or chores according to my mother she drilled into his head we were abusive and he left our home as soon as he was old enough and cut contact with us. Didn’t hear from him for 7 years. Our relationship is rocky he’s closer to my mom who also cut contact with me and my daughter. He’s doing good on his own he has his own place and a good job. My daughter still lives with her dad has a child but works and struggles. She’d get a job work 40 hours and they would tell her that she’d be full time and nothing would change then suddenly she’s working two four hour shifts a week. My kids are very different.
Character-Salary634@reddit
Do NOT help your kids. Very much... This is hard for Mothers, they are natural care givers, and like it or not, this is why having a strong father figure is important. Everyone at some time needs to be thrown to the wolves and fight for their survival. The more you help a person fight their battles, the weaker you make them.
Rare_Area7953@reddit
I have millennials two sons 38 and 28 years old. I gave them each a car in high school and they had to have a part time job to pay for gas. I had college tuition for both. My older son didn't finish his degree. He got his girlfriend pregnant right before he was deployed in the Army National Guard. He later did both United States Postal Service. The younger one has his Computer Engineering degree. He worked in HS and College. He learned how to code on his own in HS. He is very financially successful but humble and finishing his Masters. They both are way better then me with money. I am 58 and still saving to retire. I am an RN. I was a single Mom most of the time raising them and married addicts. I do worry they have codependent patterns like me. My younger son would help me in my old age if I needed it.
Dottegirl67@reddit
I have a 25-yr old son. He lives with me and works full time, so he’s able to help out with bills. But he has zero ambition or motivation to want more from life. He has no interest in going to college or a trade school. He doesn’t want to learn how to drive. He’s perfectly happy to go to work and work then come home and game all night. The gaming doesn’t bother me it’s the fact that he has no interest in having a social life.
Numerous-Loquat-1161@reddit
Have 23 and 24 y o males. Both work on and off, hard labor landscaping in brutal weather. Spend most their money on vapes, weed and eating out. Have limited motivation to move out. Not gamers, don’t drink but are always challenged to differentiate between real and misinformation on the internet.
throwitfarandwide_1@reddit
Same ..
H3lls_B3ll3@reddit
The world is a shitty, awful, no-good place that isn't AT ALL like it was when we were young.
Things now are not set up for people to succeed, but fail.
My kid didn't ask to born, and I'll never turn my back on helping/ supporting him.
There's a lot of boomer attitudes in this thread.
RogerMoore2011@reddit
I think it’s important for us to raise children that are able to eventually provide for themselves food, shelter, and clothing. This can be accomplished via getting a college education then a job, learning a trade then working in that trade, joining the military, joining a religious order, etc.
Too many young adults are unable and unwilling to prove for themselves. There is a delayed adulthood in the current younger generations that is hurting society and individuals. Blame can be pointed in many directions (including GenX’s overprotection of our children) but the bottom line is that these very basic activities are considered unattainable for 20-something’s. That’s a problem that needs a solution.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
I know! My best friend and I were talking about where we were at at 23 and hell even if we didn't have our brains fully functional and most of our shit together, we still managed to show up and pay rent and lead our lives.
Posting this has been an eye-opener for me I can see where I need to forgive him and myself for mistakes made while he was younger and I can only pray that someday both of us can end up in therapy together and work on our relationship. In the meantime, he's got a lot of work to do and I know he's depressed and I know he's not okay but I can't fix it and I've got to let him figure it out and that's the part that breaks my heart
bruce-neon@reddit
49M I was, as my mother describes it “pretty listless and drifting” through most of my 20’s. I had jobs and could pay rent and bills, but with roommates or cheap living situations. I lucked into a well paying job by 27ish and have been fine ever since. I do understand this generation faces a different situation, but some people take longer than others to find a spot in life.
carmen712@reddit
I want to know what happened to getting friends together and renting just to get out of the house? I’m a little puzzled by bil/sil kid still living at home(he’s 26). His little gf lives there now too. His mom makes his lunch. Does his laundry. Gets him up for work. He spends his money on fixing up shitty cars. He has like 5 vehicles plus toys. They’re all living in about 1200 square feet. 9 vehicles plus toys/trailers.
throwitfarandwide_1@reddit
So much insight here. Appreciate everyone’s honesty. Gosh. In. Similar boat in so many ways.
HistorianLiving@reddit
Please, for goodness sake, cut the kids loose when it comes to financial support. I have a friend who is 54 years old, still getting supported by her family- and has absolutely no ambition to get real work.
It’s a complete tragedy as far as I’m concerned and it affected our friendship to the point where we no longer even speak. I’ve just lost all respect for her.
There is no more powerful motivation than knowing you HAVE to stand on your own 2 feet. And the longer it takes for someone to know that they can actually do it, the harder it is to get there at all.
Diesel350@reddit
Not me. My daughter is 25 happily married is working as a teacher and her husband(30) is in hvac as a foreman.
Sneezy_weezel@reddit
I have a 32 daughter and 25 son. My daughter got pregnant in high school but still graduated and also got her cosmetology license at the same time. A year after high school she became a CNA and has worked in nursing homes ever since. During the pandemic she became a QMA, which is a CNA that can pass meds. She’s doing alright as a single mom who lives on her own.
My son has mostly worked as a cashier in gas stations since high school. He also has a child who was diagnosed with cancer when she was 2 and is currently in remission. That’s partly why he’s worked low end jobs, so he could leave whenever he needed to go to her multitude of doctor appointments. He currently lives with my ex husband. My son recently got a job a car dealership as a mechanic and finally has insurance. I’m hoping things are finally looking up for him.
Neither of my kids have gone to college. My daughter hopes to one day so she can be a nurse.
Claire_Bordeaux@reddit
Unfortunately, that’s not uncommon when growing up without a father.
Sfingi48@reddit
Mine is 19… close enough. Not doing well; like his father.
justisme333@reddit
From reading your post it is immediately clear that you are his safety net.
You will fix all his problems and provide solutions.
Your son is a fully grown adult and he is exploiting is mother by using emotional blackmail.
Please stop and recognise this.
This young man is refusing to take responsibility for anything at all.
Let him fail and reap the consequences.
It's not tough love.
iluvdef@reddit
I have a 30 yr old stepson and me and my husband have a 29 yr old son together. They have both lived "on their own" but they are both living with us now. My son has drive to want to move out. My stepson has worked for the past 9 yrs very part time at Taco Bell. He won't move up in that job because he has anxiety about talking to customers or whatever. He brags about how clean he keeps the restaurant and parking lot yet he is a lazy slob and hoarder here. He won't even change the kitchen garbage unless he's asked. We do charge our kids rent, only 300 a month and that covers food too. My stepson hasn't paid rent for June yet, I asked him twice about it, and was met with silence. The money he pays goes to my husband for bills and I get my son's rent which I usually spend on groceries. Well here we are july 7th and still no rent. Now he owes us 600. My husband won't confront him about it, he's always tiptoed around him because his ex wife killed herself 15 years ago. I'm sorry my stepson doesn't have his mom, but you can't use that as an excuse not to live your life. He's so lazy he won't get his driver's license even tho he knows how to drive. His state ID expired i think sometime last year, he won't even go renew that. All he cares about is playing video games and living his life thru you tubers he watches. Don't get me wrong, my kid is far from perfect, but at least he has ambition. And if he needs to pay his rent late then he's adult enough to say why. I'm just so sick of it. Everyone who knows our situation thinks we're so stupid for putting up with it, but i guess I'm not brave enuf to kick him out either. I told him you are not helping yourself any. You're already 30 and you're gonna blink and be 50 and wonder what the hell you did with your life. Anyways sorry for the long post. It makes me feel a bit better knowing we aren't the only parents with kids like this. I moved out when I was 19, I couldn't wait! 50 now, by the way! 😃
PsychologicalTry892@reddit
My two daughters are about the same age.l as yours. Straight As, private and public schools, scholarships and grants earned and both on their own. Wife and I were dirt poor and built a couple companies, closed a few but kept going. Shes dead but kids are doing really well. It starts before they are born. Very few in our generation had a strong road map. We just survived and some did better with what they had then others. Thats all.
mantisboxer@reddit
I didn't have kids but reading these comments reminds me of a Netflix wildlife documentary we watched recently on cheetahs. The mother cheetah puts up with her kids only so long before she lashes out and drives them away with ferocious hostility. The kids are confused, literally scarred, but turn away and never come back. They're forced into finally learning to hunt without her.
Some of yall just need claws and fangs.
lusciousskies@reddit
My daughters 30, 29 & 24 are doing well. One is ADHD, another has depression. My son is struggling, but he works and is independent. He's very shy and he definitely is depressed
noncannibal@reddit
My 29 year old son with a 2 year old grandchild was a failure to launch. Worked solidly until his son was born and the girlfriend broke up with him. Seems mad at the world but especially mad at me (the one that paid for all the baby's needs and some of his). His mouth forced me to kick him out. We no longer talk and he blames me.
Lonely_Storage2762@reddit
My youngest is 25 and she's had mental health issues since she was in middle school. We are working to get her tested for autism ( my oldest son has this) and ADHD ( me and my youngest son).
She has severe panic disorder and has not been able to work despite trying multiple times. At first, I was advising her to tough it out, breath through it, things we were told and somehow did. Then I got really ill from a lot of stress related illnesses and realized masking was not working. It was killing me physically. I didn't want her ending up physically unhealthy like me.
We got her help and she is finally getting better. Once we get the testing completed, the doctors believe we will have better footing for medication and coaching to learn skills she needs to get a job and keep it.
dinkeydonuts@reddit
Ladies didn’t like me at all, let alone let me close enough to make kids until I was in my 20s. Although, when they did, I knew what a condom was and utilized it. Score one for the late bloomer, I suppose.
Now I’m 49, married and childfree.
2ndChanceAtLife@reddit
Mine is in his 30’s. Did well job wise. Has a decent salary in a small LCOL town. Blows tons of money on his hobbies. Seems content with his two cats for company. Doesn’t seem to have a need to find someone and start a family. And I’ve accepted that this might be it.
He’s independent and stays out of trouble. I am thankful for that.
Landosphere@reddit
A lot of kids from from Gen X parents who are Millennial or Gen Z, or in my case, Gen A, have lost a lot of what parents of Gen X'ers "provided".
As with all Gen X kids, I spent all my time outdoors, but my father andother made me do a ton of work as kids. From re-roofing our house to mowing lawns, to planting and taking care of a garden to stacking wood to overall helping with all jobs around a house. I could build a house at this point. However, I still went to college.
With that as the back drop, my two step-daughters are a "A Tale of Two Cities". One left at 12 because she had a place to go to with her father, and also she did not like having to do hard work, which is a requirement for my kids. The daughter that stayed has to do all the same type of work that I did, and it has made all the difference. She is level-headed tougher than her boyfriends, and does what is "right". They both are starting college, but the older daughter is severely lazy and missed a lot of opportunities because her father let her do as she pleased. There is no substitute for hard work, and I would say it should be required. Too many parents give their kids everything, to include their soul. They don't allow their kids to experience any hardship, or things that challenge their lives.
As a coach of multiple sports, it drives me nuts to see parents on the sideline coddle their children to no end. In my opinion, your children need to be tested, need to have hard work, and have to be disciplined as well. This is why we have the helpless millennials, as well as the helpless Gen Z'ers whose sole purpose in life is posting to their "story" which really is not a story about anything.
Today's kids have no story. It's up to parents to help their children write the early chapters of their lives, so that they can make it through the remaining chapters on their own.
jRok57@reddit
Well. If you want honest, keep reading. If not, look away.
Young men need to observe strong males. I'm not talking physically strong, but they need to see strength of character. They need to see how a man is supposed to treat women.
This is not an attack. Please don't think that.
What, unfortunately, happens when young men do not have that strong male influence is that they seek it out on their own accord. People like Andrew Tate, and Jake Paul, tend to become their mentors. Those are not the type of people I would strive to be.
It's not your fault, mama. Social media is the worst invention.
Melodic_Arachnid_765@reddit
I agree. My sons are thriving. They are smart, hard-working, and incredibly kind and loving people. I know we’ve messed a lot of things up along the way, but their father has been an incredible role model of patience, gentleness, and concern for others. He was always quick to show affection or to apologize for his mistakes when necessary. There’s something about men being raised with gentleness that makes them incredibly strong and resilient. Men who are raised to believe they have to be strong, always fight toward an unattainable persona.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
I definitely understand that.
buckeyegurl1313@reddit
Me, 53 F, Two step children. One, 23 (M) is getting married this year, fully employed, BUT living with her family as they cant afford a home of their own. Second, 21 (F) left home at 18 and has absolutely refused to hold any real job. Ubers occasionally for cash. Is always broke. Lived in her car for three years until someone finally gave her a camper to live in. I truly dont know where she gets it from. Her father and mother both work very hard and always have. I DO think some of its generational.
Livid-Ad-6439@reddit
Well, my two, boy / girl are both late 30s. Neither talk to me now. Girl lives with ex. Never met my grandkids but once, but not all of them. Nothing we can do but keep on truckin:/
Buttercreamdeath@reddit
It seems to be a generational cycle for my family.
Destitute poverty by great grand parents, the kids boot strap hard as hell to bring everyone up. Their kids (my parents) entitled and fall back into poverty. Their kids (myself and siblings) boot strap up.
Our kids unmotivated and used to having things given to them. They don't like how relatives live so poor but don't feel necessarily motivated to keep themselves out of falling back down the hole. At least my kids don't want their own kids. So that's something at least.
Tabitheriel@reddit
Guys, please re-watch Reality Bites. Life wasn’t easy for our generation, either. It’s hard to find your way in your 20s.
tcrhs@reddit
If my step-child has a decision to make, she will always ignore any warnings and make the worst possible decision. And then she will whine and blame everyone else but herself for the bad consequences. Nothing is ever her fault.
GravySeal45@reddit
Our 3 adult kids (30/32/34) are all presently out and self-sustaining, but that is a very recent development. We were helping one or all to varying degrees for years.
I would say that 9/10 of our friends have at least one, if not more, "kid" they are still helping. That can range from paying some bills for them, to converting a garage to be an apt.
Of those, the ones that are ACTIVELY working hard to improve their situation, vs those that are just plain lazy mooches, I would hesitate to guess.
In your situation, and my experience, the best option is to let them FEEL the results of their poor choices. If you keep rescuing them, they have no reason to change as there is no PAIN to feel after making a bad choice.
Hopefully your 22yr old will figure it out and see that you have done much for them and appreciate it, or maybe they won't. I would say that the wallet and door is closed to them for anything beyond holidays and visits though.
Scarlett_Texas_Girl@reddit
No. I have 3 kids in their 20s and 1 turning 19. I became a single Mom right as the oldest turned 18. Their Dad is very uninvolved and has never done more than bare minimum. He is now (y his choice) out of their lives. My kids have watched me work hard to go from SAHM to single Mom provider for them. Whenever they need help, I'm the one who is there. They have always had needs met and emergency help but they've had to earn their wants. They bought their cars. They have earned their way. They learned through example and practice very early that if they want something, they work for it. My boys are much more driven than my daughter (she is coasting living off her boyfriend as a SAHM which I think is a mistake but kiss their choice so....) but all my kids are independent.
I think you are doing the right thing refusing to bail your son out. He's young enough that if he hits bottom now he can get himself together and build a good life.
I see a lot of hard working young kids. Gen Z is a good generation. So is Alpha. These kids don't deserve generational grief, especially considering the environment they're growing up in.
figgie1579@reddit
vedderamy1230@reddit
Mine is 19 on the verge of 20. He started college for nursing to follow in my footsteps (I'm mow a provider and he found that attractive) but failed two classes first semester due to new found independence and partying. I had no delusions that he wouldn't party...but now he's put himself in a position where he can't get his BSN in 4 years. He just wants to quit with no plan. I know he is young, but man...I hope he doesn't quit.
SolomonGrumpy@reddit
I "launched" at 16.5 because I had an unpleasant home life.
Our Generation was often told we would be out at either 18 or 22 (when we got a diploma or degree/school was over).
Didn't love that at the time, even though I was out far before that, but now that I'm older I'm wondering if it might help kids launch.
What do you all you think of those ultimatums?
Ok-Strength4804@reddit
It’s a different world now. Expecting an 18 year old to be able to afford life right now with an entry level job is pretty foolish. They got screwed by high job competition, stagnant wages and high costs of living.
VisitDull1373@reddit
58 4 kids. The one that does the best is the one that we did the least war he was always OK. I guess he learned if he wanted something he had to do it himself. My youngest my wife did everything for she doesn’t do anything for herself now.
Alex_Plode@reddit
It's really tough to expect my kid to move out when she can't find a job that will pay her enough to afford rent.
Gabstar213@reddit
Omg. I have twins that are STRUGGLING. I can’t figure out why because I did all the things. They were raised with a stepdad , but their dad was around. Raised upper middle class as well- I stayed home with them til 3rd grade and then started teaching so I would have the same schedule as them. Stepdad worked as a PhD developer. My kids can’t get it together AT ALL. Trouble with jobs, the law, housing, and have already torn their credit up. It has caused me an incredible amount of anxiety and anger.
Late_Football_2517@reddit
55 year old Dad here; we have three kids, 28, 26, 25.
The oldest and youngest are getting by. They're both living with future spouses and all four of them are working full time.
The middle son is an alcoholic who is currently living in our basement with a hard January 1st move out deadline. Great kid, smart as a whip, bad decisions. He's now working full time and he's passed the probation period in a job for the first time since high school. About a year ago, he had come to us asking if he could "backpack through Southeast Asia". I asked him if I could pack his stuff for him. He went away, and thankfully we have been blessed enough to support him while he did this for six months. He knew nobody over there, got off a plane in Phnom Pehn and had to figure shit out. He grew up A LOT on that trip. He still drinks too much, but he gets up and goes to work and puts in the effort, even when he's hungover. That never used to happen.
So yeah, mom. I get ti. From the outside, everyone would assume we all have our shit together. We don't. We're just making this up as we go along too.
Large_Poem_2359@reddit
My daughter is 20. Her mom and I are divorced
She lives w me She is a great kid. Just finished her 2nd year of college. But she is autistic. I would love for her to find even a part time job but socially it is so difficult for her to do so
She’s well on her way to graduating w honors but I fear she won’t make it out in the world
PolyDrew@reddit
This sounds to me like it’s a mental health and anger management issue. Young men right now are also being bombarded by “be an alpha male” messaging online and it’s affecting their ability to build emotional bonds.
The fact that he was into drugs young tells me that there’s a possibility that he was self-medicating for a mental health issue. Let’s face it, our generation (you and I) doesn’t know how to address mental health problems. “ADHD didn’t exist,” “bipolar people are nuts, so he can’t be,” etc. I was told I had “attention issues” when I was in elementary school. Nothing else was ever done about it.
We weren’t given the tools to take care of ourselves let alone reach our kids properly. We were the latchkey generation and fended for ourselves.
Honestly, at this point it’s time to take care of you and your other kid. I know it’s scary and you want to fix him but it’s a “him” issue now. He will expect you to fix everything even at your financial and mental expense.
Good luck.
142Ironmanagain@reddit
I have 23yo twins. Big populous suburban area in the northeast.
One got a good hybrid job, has the drive and work ethic. Great friends, go-getters. Him I’m not worried about.
The other one? Weird friends from college, bad outlook on life in general, no work ethic or motivation. Also has high-functioning Asperger’s and hate to say it - wondering if he’s using it as a crutch to lack of achievement after graduating college. Can’t even get a part-time job. Wife and I are at wits end trying to get him help from therapist to career coach. At least there’s no drug issues we know about.
I hear you, OP. I thought it was Covid that hurt him, but maybe it’s only one factor. Let’s hope we can give them the love and support they need to get on their feet!
WhenVioletsTurnGrey@reddit
We've done the best we can for our kids but, no one is trying to make the world a better place for anyone. Quite the opposite. Most of my coworkers are of the 20 something age group. Most of them can't share the same dreams we had. I sympathize with them. I'm glad I'm not of that age. It's a lot more complex(yes, we said that too). It's a "lot more" complex now. & Dire. Most of my young friends look at politics as if it's about as real as religion. As if they have 0 percent of changing anything. Where would our generation be if we faced what they do?. The political divide? The constant internet theories & opinions? We'll all be out of the workforce soon & I hope the best for everyone else.... Not a lot of hope for a great future for this country or the world.
BTS_ARMYMOM@reddit
This post is scaring me. I'm 50 and my kids are 16, 16, and 18. When I was in my 20s, I wanted to do well in life so that I didn't become an adult burden to my parents but these days, it seems like adult children expect their parents to keep taking care of them.
sometimelater0212@reddit
Mine is 29, married, 2 year old grandson. He sprays fluent mandarin, lives in China, who be starting a masters program in January in Canada. He dies stand up comedy and correspondence with for China's version is ABC. He teaches English at a medical school. He's thriving and I'm so proud of him! He's the best husband and daddy and son. I raised him as a single mom and worked part time as I put myself through undergrad and grad school. Not sure why some of our kids go one way versus another. I count from a history of abuse and neglect and made sure my son was never exposed to any of that from me or others to the best of my ability (some school bullying happened, which I couldn't prevent but was absolutely in his side for and supported him through it).
IBroughtWine@reddit
Narcissism comes from trauma in early childhood. You mentioned that you were a single mom for most of their childhood. Did they get therapy during the divorce/split? Could any of the boyfriends have done something to traumatize him?
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
I'm sure I wasn't a model parent either. I've had to do a lot of my own trauma work after my parents passed and that would have made me a better parent if I'd done it sooner. So I blame myself for a lot. They also had an older sibling who wasn't very great with them, and I often wonder what happened when I wasn't home. My other kid has said they have had some memories come back that aren't very pleasant..
I divorced when they were babies so I don't think there's any direct trauma there. But I do know that I was being verbally and physically abused when he was in utero so I'm sure that didn't set him up for a very good entrance into this world. Again I blame myself for a lot and I can't fix it now.. all I can do is continue to heal myself and hope for him to find his way 🥺
just1here@reddit
Your son has had a problem with authority since middle school that you were unable to nip in the bud. Don’t arm chair diagnose him. Do exactly what you’re doing, which is stop enabling him. Stop tolerating his poor treatment of you. Perhaps message his girlfriend that you see what he’s doing to her. Though you can’t steer her to DV resources until she’s ready. This sucks, but will be worse if you don’t hold the line firmly now.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Yeah I gave up trying to intervene in their relationship when they were living with me and I saw the way that he spoke to her and told her that she should bail and she refused.
she's threatened to leave him a few times and every time he has been more upset about losing the kid than her. I know he's super depressed and I know he's got issues but I can't fix them so.... all I can do is hold my own and try to figure out how I'm going to live
Dismal_Estate9829@reddit
Our 27 year old boy is thriving in the navy overseas. Out 25 year old daughter is struggling out of our house waiting for everyone else to support her. That didn’t come from our upbringing. He personality changed when she graduated high school and became an “adult” with all her other “friends”. There was no talking to her after that.
TryingKindness@reddit
Me!!!! We saved money for our kids to go to school. One got an associates and works for a temp agency. The other two dropped out of community college and work fast food jobs. They live at home and pay rent (half is returned when they move out and one son has converted to roth lol). They have options. The deal where they school full time and rent is zero is still on the table. They can school part time and pay a fraction of rent. We will pay for a trade school. Nopenope nope. One had moved out for a couple years, returned earlier this year and brought roaches. Like I am sick of shitty roommates. I trained them so well but they don’t care. We are all on spectrum.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Thank you for commiserating! I know this world is not easy and there's a lot of nihilism in our current youngsters view of the world, but it just blows my mind that my kid could struggle to find a job .....and when he finally gets offered one he shows up 30 minutes late to do paperwork and wonders why they told him don't bother 🙄🥺😒
And yes, while they were living with me for the short period of time they were, everything was a mess and it made me constantly upset. She took over my kitchen and would cook and leave nasty food so I couldn't even get to the coffee pot in the morning and it just drove me up the wall. I feel bad for the baby that she's raising, 2 years old and the kids not barely speaking because all they do is hand her a fucking screen. And they refuse to put her in any kind of state-sponsored daycare because this girl thinks she's going to homeschool...
VixenRoss@reddit
My eldest is 20 and at university. I’m worried about what will happen to him when he graduates. I suspect that he may have to intern at a company (work for free basically)
2nd eldest is 19. He’s had a mental breakdown. He is really talented and can fix a lot of things. He can’t get work. He’s seeing all his friends do well in life and he feels like he can’t get on the ladder.
Dismal-Read5183@reddit
I support you in your decision not to allow them to live with you. The shows you took to get them in their own place are more than sufficient- consequences help people learn. Godspeed.
_x__Rudy__x_@reddit
My youngest is 26 and doing fine. Fiercely independent, in fact. Moved out of her mom's about a year after graduating from art college, and lives with two roomies from the college. Money's a little tight but she doesn't go without anything. Thankfully she has my financial sense, not her mom's (who would run up all the credit cards). My oldest is in a group home, so SSI and the state are taking care of her needs.
BuckRio@reddit
I blame the whole helicopter parent thing for todays kids not doing as well as we expect them to.
The world is not nearly a dangerous place as most people seem to think it is. Yes there are a lot of ways to get killed/maimed, but hovering isn't going to change that.
Our entire generation was raised by parents that let us do our own thing. Mine would cut me loose every morning during the summer not expecting to see me until dinner. I did plenty of very stupid kid type things that could have gotten me hurt but didn't. I learned from it. We don't do that as parents any more, and it has negatively effected the offspring.
SunshineandH2O@reddit
Well I think we can also put some blame on the internet, cable tv and the news for constantly highlighting the horrors in this world. So many seem to crave it. You're correct that any dangers have become highly exaggerated in our minds as a result.
Ornery-Character-729@reddit
I can't speak to the whole generation but narcissists do benefit from therapy. They learn to be better narcissists. Notice that I said that THEY can benefit from therapy. THEY, not YOU. At best, they learn to conceal their narcissism better, they don't become less narcissistic. I hate to tell you, but when you actually identify someone as a narcissist, run for your life.
MaseratiMike1981@reddit
Had a slightly similar life experience. My sister passed away 8 years ago. My mom and i were living in a town house. My nephew (sister’s son) had to move in with us. My sister’s husband was a great man, but he just stopped going to work, lost house and he moved in with his brothers family. He wasn’t birth father of my nephew and we found out they didn’t have marriage license (but did have a wedding), so he couldn’t adopt my nephew. I was always the cool uncle to my nieces and nephews, but now I have to be Uncle Dad. Understandably, when your mom dies at 14, it messes you up. He got in trouble at school, drugs, etc. There were days I wasn’t sure if it was the principal, counselor or police calling me, and like a parent answering the phone, I sometimes said in my head “What’d he do now?” He did have jobs off and on, and did good with that. Then my mom died 2021, so i was doing all parenting and raising by myself. I was getting married and trying to buy a house, he was in his senior year at high school (2023). About that February, my fiance and I decided we wanted to move out of my mom‘s townhouse over the summer, and buy a house before fall. I had been getting my mom and sisters Social Security money to help raise him and pay for the mortgage, but that ended whenever he would graduate high school, so unless he wanted to pay rent money, i wouldn’t magically have an extra $1200 a month for the mortgage. So from my own personal money, I paid all the utility bills, insurance, gas for car, Internet, cell phones, groceries, dog stuff. I told him save your money, save your money, get a car and save for an apartment. He didn’t want to go to college or army or anything like that; i told him a full time job out of high school is fine, just save your money. Don’t go out to eat with friends, even invite them to our house for food (i was a full time cook at the time, and even got food from a food bank a couple times a month.) He took medicine for adhd, but said it made him depressed. So he’d stop taking it, but act out in school and get in trouble. Principal and teachers said to do school online from home, so he had the best setup to succeed. He did school from home and was able to work up to 35 hours a week. I don’t know where he got the thought, but he said my sisters ss money “was his, and I’m using him for it.” Yes we’re using the money TO LIVE IN THIS HOUSE, be blessed and consider yourself lucky that this is the process and setup in America that someone is taking care of you and the government gives me this money. Fast forward a week before end of school year, he asks me for money for food, i say no we have food at home, plus if you wanted to, you can buy your own.
I’m guessing he squandered his money and didn’t save.
He gets angry, gives me silent treatment. Moves out day after last day of school. Haven’t heard from him in 2 years.
I loved and treated him like a son. I later found out he had to do summer school and eventually graduated in August. So there was no happy Uncle Dad moment at graduation. I even wanted to give him like a $300 shopping spree at Target to buy stuff for his apartment, kind of my “send off” to the next chapter in life.
I was cool with just seeing him at birthdays and holidays and he can go on and live this next chapter and we stay in contact together. He was supposed to be an usher in my wedding.
He eventually blocked me and also my 3 brothers whom also tried to help him. One of them wanted to give him like $6,000 for a car or rent money to help him out.
I guess he was scared life was changing again, and lashed out. I think God had him exit my life in this manner because having him live with me and my wife and keeping a job and not do drugs and all that wouldve been extremely stressful, and not the best way to start a marriage and being in a new house. So, we pray for him every night. For God to speak to him and help him. I know probably all us Gen Xers had some rough teen/20’s years of growing up, learning lessons, getting tough love.
Starrnaatrek@reddit
My kid is 23 and still at home. Very good grades in high school. Graduates the year of Covid. Had been working but says they don’t want to attend college (even though they had access to a few scholarships ) because they don’t want to go back to their work being judged I’m “okay” with them baking with me I will not put my kid out or any such passive aggressive behavior. I do worry what this extent of enabling will lead to. I push them to go to trade school or something else that will get them more money in their pockets but they are frugal and don’t really need a lot rents are going to continue to go up they also do art commissions which is another income but still not nearly enough…
mrsredfast@reddit
This is one of those times I’m grateful my stupid self had kids too young. My four kids are all in their thirties and I really think had a different experience growing up than a lot of kids did who are early twenties now. Different access to social media, Covid, graduating into different economies etc…BUT, you don’t deserve to have anyone yelling or getting in your face.
At work (social service agency), I hear a lot about widespread “failure to launch” in this generation and lots of heightened anxiety regarding what we would have considered normal milestones like getting drivers licenses. (Not referring to kids who are trying hard to succeed but economic factors necessitate living at home.)
SunshineandH2O@reddit
Same. I gave birth at 20 so mine is 38. They still experienced everything GenZ did, but at a later age when they could better handle it. And mental illness often goes undiagnosed (at first) under the assumption they're just being "rebellious teens." I see my friends and their younger children dealing with so much more than I did, but with less community support and empathy.
Accurate_Weather_211@reddit
I wasn't a teen Mom, but I had my son in my very early 20's and he's in his mid 30's now. Lives on his own and is completely financially independent from me and his father (my ex). I read some of these stories on Reddit and I'm grateful my kid was born in 1989.
LeatherAppearance616@reddit
Same, I was the dreaded boogeyman of our generation, the teen mom. And I’m so grateful my son was born into the 90s and no social media or cell phones and everything on channel tv was boring. My second was born six years later and had a very different experience and it shows in their mental health and personality, emotional stability, etc. He’s still a great person, and has done very well, but there’s an underlying anxiety and need for stimulation common in his peer group that my older son’s peer group doesn’t seem to have.
No-Collection-2485@reddit
I have 2 nephews. 19 and 21. Younger one lasted a half semester at college. Older one just graduated and moved back home.
I don’t see either one ever moving out.
Not having kids was one of my very best decisions.
FC_KuRTZ@reddit
Subversion of the traditional family strikes again.
I vowed to God and myself that I would maintain a traditional family structure for my children no matter what. By no means does that guarantee their success, but it gives them a much better shot.
Gen X'ers that haven't pivoted from the "century of self" that has defined our parent's generation are likely to perpetuate that value system.
paintedbird1@reddit
Not totally relevant, but my kid is a teenager and is so far doing fine. Despite this, I’m prepared to let her live with me forever. Things are so difficult and uncertain out there. This idea that kids should have to move away to be a good mature citizen or whatever is outdated, IMO. She might choose to move away and take the steps to do so and succeed, but so many things could happen where it isn’t possible. Now if there’s abuse going on or drug use that’s another issue. But if everyone is responsible and respectful then there’s nothing wrong with adult children living at home indefinitely.
TravelerMSY@reddit
Has he been evaluated for various mental illnesses or disabilities? People often self medicate with drugs.
Eureka05@reddit
Mine are 21 and 19 (both F). They're just starting out, but so far seem to have their stuff in a pile. The oldest moved out and in with a couple friends, now her friends are moving to a different town and she and her BF will be moving into a small place a family friend owns. Youngest just started working while she decides what she wants to take at school. They're both undecided, and that's fine. School can be expensive so I want them to think about it.
Hippy_Lynne@reddit
No this is not a pattern in this generation. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, some people just don't grow up until they're forced to. But it's certainly not a trend with the younger generation. Most of them are struggling because the economy is crap, the US is becoming a corrupt banana republic, no one has any hope, and we are going to be facing serious consequences of climate change in their lifetime.
Again, I'm not saying this is your fault or you did anything bad. But don't paint an entire generation just because your son has issues. Honestly most kids nowadays are more responsible than we were at that age because they have to be.
CartographerEven9735@reddit
Seems like blaming it on everything but the individual is part of the problem.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
No I'm not painting the whole generation bad for sure. I think that all generations have all kinds of people so it's ridiculous to generalize in most cases. I just don't know where his motivation or brain cells are right now...
obstreperousRex@reddit
Of the 3 only one seems to be struggling. He is a great kid. Super smart. He's engaging and has an interesting viewpoint on life.
His problem is that he is lazy as hell. He has had a life of having had everything given to him. He has never worked for a thing. Even his Eagle Scout badge was, basically, given to him. It's kind of strange, he has a good work ethic. He never misses a day at his job. He works hard while he's there and his leadership seems to like him. The flip side of that is, he refuses to even attempt to improve his situation by getting educated or trained in something. He's been offered a fully paid for education of his choice and just hem-haws around about completing the few tasks required to get started. He doesn't really even show any interest at all in stepping up for himself.
Honestly, its kind of heartbreaking. He has great potential to make a good life for himself. His mother and I (I'm his stepfather) want nothing but great things for him. He and I are close and spend a decent amount of time together. We talk a lot. It's obvious that he isn't content with how things are. He wants more. For whatever reason, he just isn't willing to go out and work for it.
SouxsieBanshee@reddit
My oldest is 19 and attending college. She’s got a good head on her shoulders and has always been mature for her age. I’ve never had to worry about her. My youngest is 17, just graduated high school. She’s the one I always worry about. Only time will tell
IcyCryptographer5919@reddit
It’s more common with boys raised by single mothers.
Probably not what you want to hear, but the study data correlates.
No, I don’t have a source, you can easily find it online.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
I’ve read up that. I think, it’s more about a lack of male role models in general. There are fewer and fewer male teachers in k-12. Men who split from their partners tend to be the ones who disappear from their lives. Extended family members in general, male and female both, are less involved and families have become more of an “island”.
This is anecdotal, but take my son for an example. He’s 19, almost 20, and he’s a rising junior in college. Computer science major. He went to a community college his first 2 yrs and worked TWO part time jobs to save enough money to transfer to a well regarded, flagship, state university. He made straight A’s for those 2 yrs. While doing that, he built his credit, and even started a retirement account. He’s got 2 yrs worth of rent banked and one of his jobs is a remote, paid, internship, so once he moves he’ll still have an income. He’s moving this fall. I’m not worried about him. He’s doing FINE.
His father is not in his life at all. His father and I married after several years of living together. The man had a good job, and showed every indication that we’d have a good, stable life. I worked too. Shortly after we married we decided to have our son. It was agreed that since we both worked household duties and child rearing would be split. He couldn’t hack it. He either underestimated how much work a child was, or expected me to do most of it anyway. He stopped coming home for nights at a time. I found out he was cheating AND that he got into some drugs. He even started draining my personal bank account after swiping my debit card to pay for his habit. I had to take our son and leave in order to keep my own money to feed our son. I told him to get help, and I offered him visitation. I didn’t move far. By his own choice, he only saw his son maybe twice a year and that stopped entirely by the time our son was 7.
I remarried in that time and had a daughter. While that didn’t work out either (split was amicable, we just couldn’t live with each other), my son’s stepfather considered my son to be his. He stayed in my son’s life. He didn’t have to. He insisted on taking my son on outings with our shared daughter, he taught my son to drive, etc… My brother was also involved in my children’s lives. My brother and my son share a lot of the same interests. Computers, gaming, etc. My brother was the one who helped my son build his first computer. Neither of these men were my son’s father. Neither of these men lived with us save for the stepdad, for a couple years.
Men can and should step up more and present themselves as positive role models. This isn’t on the single mom’s. We shouldn’t have to stay in a poor relationship that isn’t working out with a man for this. We shouldn’t have to make ourselves miserable and frankly, if we’re being mistreated by the man, THAT isn’t a good role model for a boy anyway.
MaineMan1234@reddit
Let’s not demonize men in general because you happened to choose poorly. I know many GREAT dads that are present for and care deeply about their children.
pineapple_bandit@reddit
Gosh you'll blame her for a man being terrible. Definitely a man.
MaineMan1234@reddit
Yeah asking someone not to generalize and demonize a whole group because of their experience with one person is blaming them. Ok sure.
They can discuss their lived experience with one or a handful of men but acting if it it applies to men broadly is bullshit
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
I actually discussed three men. You focused on the one where it’s apparently more MY fault he suckled and ignore the other two men who stepped up. My son’s stepfather and my brother. I was not blaming all men, because I just described two who did right. I’m simply saying this isn’t the fault of single moms
MaineMan1234@reddit
I was with you until “Men can and should step up more and present themselves as positive role models”. As if most men don’t? You’re generalizing based on your narrow set of experiences and then pushing it onto all men. The men in my life do this, so I don’t see this as generally applicable
And I am not blaming you for anything, as I said to another, I chose poorly with my ex wife, but that doesn’t make me responsible or at fault for her physically, verbally and emotionally abusive behavior towards our children. The same applies to my comment to you
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
There are of course men who step up. In fact, 2 out of the 3 men I mentioned stepped up. That implied a majority in my mind. But the boys who get lost because a male role model isn’t around can’t be blamed on single moms if they didn’t have what I did. Brothers, uncles, grandfathers… they can step up. I’m sure many do. Perhaps most. More can though and should before we place the blame on single moms.
MaineMan1234@reddit
I personally wouldn’t blame single moms, but teen boys are actively looking for role models for what it means to be a man. So it’s just a lot tougher to manage and navigate that when one is a single mom. Given all the posts about abusive parents causing their kids trauma, probably better not to have people like that around, since the outcome might be worse.
My partners ex husband is a narcissistic misogynist and a racist and he has passed that onto his two sons, to varying degrees. They certainly have a role model but not a positive one.
One kid, a friend of one of my step sons, had a dad at home, but that didn’t stop him from being a wild man and an extreme risk taker, which got him killed last month (2 months after he came on vacation with us)
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
Well my post was in reply to someone who blames it on the boys being raised by single moms. Also known as blaming the single moms. My only purpose here was to say no, there can and should be other male role models around.
MaineMan1234@reddit
Fair enough. But what do single moms do when they don't have positive male role models in their lives to whom they can direct their sons? It's not like men who are not biologically related or connected in some other way have any responsibilities towards those sons.
Slightly different context but my older sisters kids have almost zero relationship with their father. I have actively built a relationship with them over the years to *partially* fill that role, But I'm related to them, they're not random kids.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
This is where I think society is failing. Remember how I said fewer and fewer men are teaching? Applies to other sorts of jobs that might put them in touch with boys too. We aren’t paying enough, aren’t doing enough to get more men into those positions, not to mention society generally says these are women’s jobs. Not the men’s fault, necessarily, but society in general. Also, the trend where families are increasingly being considered an island unto themselves. That’s not the way it should be. Extended family members should be a part of a family’s life, as well as the community as a whole.
By themselves, with these societal trends, I don’t know what a single mom can do to provide a male role model. Seems one of the only avenues left is sports. A coach. And in many areas that takes money.
pineapple_bandit@reddit
notallmen
butdefinitelytomanymen
MaineMan1234@reddit
Get b out of here with you straw man arguments
claytionthecreation@reddit
Very well explained. You aren’t accountable for her actions but you take full responsibility and accountability for your decisions. Too many people don’t do that on a daily basis. People make excuses or blame others to make themselves believe they didn’t have a role in things or to try make themselves believe it was not in their own control. Not everything in life is due to an individual’s control or decisions but everyone has hold themselves accountable for their own behavior and choices
Expensive-Site-8443@reddit
Not only that, i know many men who want to and would be great fathers but are prevented from doing so by vindictive, entitled ex-wives and partners. Moreso than the other way around honestly. A friend who is a divorce lawyer (female) has an interesting viewpoint- when dealing with divorce, she said that 9 times out of 10 the man simply wants to get along and just wants things to be “fair”- but the women are out to utterly destroy the men (financially, emotionally, mentally) in a similar ratio unfortunately and will leverage children to do so. Sad. Small sample size but within my peer/social group that is certainly the case- but to hear the women talk you’d think the opposite.
not-a-dislike-button@reddit
How does this work? Like, you were with someone and created a human and then decided they were a bad roommate and the relationship is over?
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
Basically, he knew he had a temper problem triggered by ptsd, tried to get help several times while together which kept me with him. But it took him several tries and several years and we mutually decided it’s best to split, give him time to focus on him. Give him breaks he needed from the kids/family. He’s doing much better now. We share 50/50 custody now as he improved. Should I have created a human being with him? Probably not. But I felt for him and saw him trying. Forgive me for giving the guy a chance.
Tinkiegrrl_825@reddit
He had some past trauma he needed to deal with, and until he dealt with it he was hard to live with. He got the help we needed after we split, and we remained friends.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Oh I don't doubt it, and I also don't see it as being a condemnation of myself just a fucked up situation that couldn't be helped.
I left their father when they were both still in diapers due to abuse. And I avoided bad-mouthing him for years because I didn't want to give them a complex. Once they were old enough they were able to find him on socials and I told them everything that had happened and let them make their own choices about their relationship with him. My son has lived with his father briefly, and recognizes that he's just as crazy as I said.
But that also begs the question, did he inherit some psychological deficit somehow? Is narcissism also hereditary? I know I'm no Angel, but I've also done a lot to work on myself. It's just frustrating...
BoyzMum66@reddit
I cannot even begin to express how glad I am to have run across this today.
We have two sons, 24 and 20. The older one was always our "easy" child. Not an outstanding student but did okay. No real interest in college. Smart, hard worker. He is currently stuck in a very dead-end job. The thing is he enjoys what he's doing so is not, at all, motivated to seek something better. And, I'm all for enjoying what you do but he is seriously being taken advantage of. I just recently learned that he has not been given a pay increase in the THREE years he's been there!!! I thought he might be getting fed up but still hasn't made a move. It's SO frustrating having to stand by and watch! We keep trying to "coach" him about requesting a meeting, etc. Nope, no action. 🙄
geminiloveca@reddit
Mine are 27 and 25. Struggling a bit, but both working. Youngest is also in college full time and on the dean's list every semester, so I can't complain. They're both better off than I was at that age and they repay any money they borrow - which they only borrow from me when they can't make any other arrangement on their own, so I feel pretty fortunate about how they turned out.
Comfortable_Fruit847@reddit
They gotta feel that pressure. If we constantly save them and they know there is a full safety net beneath them, they’ll just chill there and not fly. To a certain extent it has to be sink or swim. You did good putting your foot down saying they can’t live with you, just stand your ground. They will miraculously figure something out.
ComportedRetort@reddit
From my privileged background, 5 of 7 offspring from myself and sibs have successfully launched. The remaining 2 aren’t lost, they’ve just not yet found their way. Privilege rules!
CJK_Murph@reddit
My youngest can’t wait to get a job the minute she turns 16 at the end of the month. My oldest won’t get out of bed for an 8am interview. WE HEAR YOU
marielleN@reddit
My oldest son is doing ok now but it was a rough slog for a bit. Some mental health issues, trauma from his father/my ex, and general immaturity earlier on. He dropped out of college and totaled a couple of cars.
He went back to school while working but has not graduated. I think he ran up large student loans. He is employed in a job and industry where he should really have a degree, so I worry about that.
His fiancé did finish her degree recently and has gotten herself out of customer service jobs to one in the medical field, so that is good.
We vacationed with them recently and I noticed they kind of like to live large and are pretty spendy. But not my circus.
My older daughter is very smart but I think also has some mental health issues. She dropped out of college after one year and decided she wanted to be a hairdresser. She is making ok money but I can’t see long term how she’ll ever only just get by. She did move out and lives with her girlfriend.
My youngest is maybe a senior in college. She did a gap year during covid and has struggled a bit. I say maybe a senior as she might need an extra year.
So not what I hoped for all of them, but it’s their life, and at least they are kind of getting on with things, but without the kind of security that would give me peace of mind.
TheConsequenceFairy@reddit
Had one begin college the month Covid was found in the US. Had the other graduate HS under shutdown. Both currently at home because I am not a "bootstrap" monster.
Both are very angry and disappointed about their childhood endings. The oldest is miserable. Constantly worried, not about the future, but if there will even BE A FUTURE with the way this country is currently running. The younger is working in a trade and is stressed as hell constantly about money and the realization that this is the next 40+ yrs of their day to day life with no respite. They also see no future.
I keep reminding them that things change and try to keep some hope for their futures alive in them, but I had to go and teach them things like social observation and critical thinking skills as children so....yeah they are in full knowledge and understanding of the fuckery that's destroying their adult lives before they even started living them.
I feel bad for GenZ. They've gotten the shortest end of the stick ever offered to a Gen. upon arrival at adulthood. Unless, of course, their parents shoved a silver spoon up their ass at birth. (Sorry. Gotta make that point before the naysayers blow off my entire comment simply because I generalized.)
At least we were used to being ignored by the time we were adults. We struck our own paths because we'd been blazing them since childhood. They got a sheltered half life of scheduled events and constant social fear mongering and were told at the end to "figure it out" while current 50yr olds with established careers and family/community support can't manage any of this current nonsense any better than the "kids" they disparage.
discussatron@reddit
Mine was doing well, but she works for a government contractor, a company that monitors environmental concerns at federal construction projects. You can guess how much this new cares about such things.
DC1010@reddit
One of my closest friends has a kid who is a partial failure to launch. The kid got a degree, works full time, but she blows all of her money on shoes, take-out food, and pot. She lives at home and doesn’t pay rent or utilities. Her mom gave her a car to use, but she forgets to do maintenance on it until mom steps in. Mom pays the insurance, mom cleans their home, mom is tired.
djln491@reddit
My kids aren’t there yet, teenagers. But currently seeing this unfold in the family. Wife’s brother, both his kids…one just refuses to work or do much of anything and the other thinks he’s gods gift to the world, but man this kid is going to struggle. I’ve never heard him talk about anything but himself
Few-Pineapple-5632@reddit
I’m 57 with 23 year old girl/boy twins and a 21 year old boy.
None of them are doing spectacularly.
The 23 year old boy went to welding school but has had 3 mediocre jobs in the last 2 years. He moved out with his girlfriend who I am not fond of, about 6 months ago but they had to move in with “friends” after their other situation crapped out and refused to move in with us. His job doesn’t pay that well but he gets overtime every week. She only works part time so They haven’t saved any money and now she has the baby bug because her brother just had a kid. His life is fixing to crash big time but there’s nothing I can do about it.
The daughter is doing the best but dropped out of college. After two years of doing shitty part time work, she started technical school and just got a decent full time job. She also has a boyfriend who seems alright.
The younger son is “on the spectrum” and has no idea what he wants to do. He’s had about 5 part time jobs in 2 years. Frankly he has no plans to go anywhere career wise or residentially and has said he’d be the one to “stay behind” to take care of us when we got old.
So no, they aren’t doing great. I guess they aren’t doing terrible either.
LilyRose272@reddit
Single mom for every day of my children’s life. (Their fathers lived out of state, so no help from them.) I’ve had no live in boyfriends. I dated minimally, but gave up on that quick as men couldn’t handle the fact that I put my kids first. So it’s just been me and my kiddos. My daughter graduated with a 4.0 and a masters degree and has more letters behind her name than anyone I know. She just helped open a mental health clinic and is a full time therapist. My son is in high school taking all AP courses and has challenged my daughter saying he will get his doctorate before her, so healthy competition between them to see who gets letters in front of their name first. I pretty much gave up on my own “life” when they were born and have dedicated everything towards their success. It was worth every sacrifice as they are thriving and nothing could make me happier.
LilyRose272@reddit
I struggled with infertility and they told me I wouldn’t conceive, and I ended up being blessed with 2 miracle children. I was basically an orphan/indentured slave growing up, and I vowed that my kids would never be treated like I was. I am positive that these experiences are why I gave up everything for my kids. I “crawled” so they could “fly”.
simikoi@reddit
My son is doing great, but I'd say half his friends are working dead end jobs, living at home and not going to school. Maybe they took a couple classes at community college but that's it. The other half (my son thankfully included) have graduated and are seeking masters degrees.
lisanstan@reddit
My 34 yo was failure to launch after launching. He came home after the Army and floundered for 10 years. Some was PTSD, some was just being too comfortable. Financially, supporting him wasn't a hardship, which made it easier for him to coast. What made him step up? A woman. 🤷♀️
He now has a job, got married and they are in a rental and looking to buy in the next year. I'm so relieved. It's just me, husband, and son. No family nearby (we were also career military). We are not getting older and was really concerned it would just be him in our home, after we're gone.
Not same situation OP, but hopefully your tough love will help them figure out they are responsible for their choices. Having a baby is a pressure point for you. I wish I had better advice. Don't sacrifice your retirement for your kids laziness. They won't be able to support you when you're no longer working.
wino12312@reddit
My oldest is 30. My youngest is 22. They were all slow to launch. The 2 oldest found jobs in a factory and don’t care to do anything else. #3 had the most trouble. Until they accidentally found a job that paid them to become a watchmaker at 25. Now they make more money than me with 18 months of schooling completely paid for by their employer. #4 figured out at 23 they wanted to be a tattoo artist and has started an apprenticeship. #5 is in sales. None of them wanted to go to college. They’re all smart enough, just not interested in doing anything that requires 4 years of college. They’re all happy with their lives. Sometimes it takes time to launch. I had the luxury of taking a gap year to work full time and then go to school. I was married at 21 (don’t recommend), graduated with a BS in 1993. I’ve worked for the same employer since 1994. That just doesn’t happen anymore.
scarybottom@reddit
I don't think this is new. you pretty much just described my brother and I in 1994. Except I was younger, but the one hustling to make something of my life, and he was older, but super entitled, in trouble with the law, managed not 1, not 2, but THREE alcohol induced comas in that time frame, dropped out of college...twice.
He ended up mostly getting his shit together, but only after mom cut him off- and he has never forgiven her for doing so, spent the next 20+ yr weaponizing access to his kids- so she screwed her own retirement security to give him money for RVs, etc. He has her convinced that he is some great person now, in our 50s. But I am the one taking care of some of her bills- not him. (I also ended up with gradate education and I make great money, so super lucky- and I got her in part because she taught me I could).
And to be honest- my mom has a similar dynamic with her older sister- my mom was the more academically inclined, stumbled a bit, but hustled her own life together. Her sister emotionally blackmailed over 1/2 million in bail outs from her parents over the course of 10 yr, along with more from her husband's side (he is also a leech). They deeply believe they are OWED more in life, but they blame everyone but themselves for not having it. I think it is just how some folks are- no matter how they are parented- they pick up on some message somehow that they are "better" than they have gotten, and just do everything they can to make that everyone else's fault and therefore problem.
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Funny you say that about your mom and her sister. My older sister is the type A personality and I was always the black sheep or the fuck up.
My parents helped me a lot as a single mom, but that was usually after I had tried everything to fix it myself. I worry that my son has the idea that because my parents helped me as much as they did that somehow he deserves the same kind of help. What he doesn't understand is that my dad had retirement and a good career and saved his whole life so that he could be able to take care of his family ...I was never that lucky to build anything like that. And though I have struggled with employment and physical disability, I thought that my kids would see that I was always striving to do better and work hard...
My sister, of course, continues to think I'm a spoiled brat that probably milked our parents. But her and I were never close either...
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
You should absolutely tell them what you said here, that your parents had a different starting point when they helped you, in terms of their financial situation
You have to be very clear that at this point in your life you need to focus catch up with your retirement goals to avoid burdening them later
Legal_Significance45@reddit (OP)
Oh honey, believe me they know and I have told them repeatedly and they've been told as they were growing up! It's no secret that if it wasn't for their nana they wouldn't have had school clothes or shoes and I made it very clear that it's because Grandpa was smart and frugal and started in a different time with a better playing field.
They know all of this and I don't even want to think about my retirement because it's all gone now
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
As one internet stranger, very proud of you to have overcome so much hardship and please be super strict with the kids and focus on your finances
I saw many women sacrifice when they should have done a huge service to their children by letting them develop adult skills.
I have been independent from my parents since age 29, my ex never became independent until his self sacrificing mother passed away and he’s still nowhere
I’m not saying it’s 100% linked but I think there’s a period of time in our early 20s where we just need to learn independence. Your son chose to have a child to accelerate « his learning curve », oh well, he’ll learn
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
Really sorry about your mom and this is a cautionary tale for all of us to not light ourselves on fire (aka deplete retirement funds) to keep our grown children warm
largos7289@reddit
My oldest 21 is doing great, my second at 20 she is getting there but she is not where she needs to be. My oldest is a heavily driven individual. I almost envy her drive at times. My teenager-ish is a hot fuk'n mess.
bondpaper@reddit
28 year old has a spending addiction. She'll buy a $1000.00 pair of shoes and then ask us for money to cover her rent and bills. Unfortunately, we co-signed her car loan so we're on the hook for that bill at least. We've put conditions on further financial assistance that she finds offensive and will from time to time cut us out. The 25 year old flunked out of college, then quit community college and now works a dead end retail job. He shows really no ambition whatsoever and his confidence is cratered from getting kicked out of college. He doesn't seem to be able to find the ability to bounce back. We've offered encouragement until we're blue in the face.
They are a never ending source of stress and worry.
beetlejuicemayor@reddit
I wonder if he has undiagnosed ADHD.
kermitsfrogbog@reddit
Collectively we have four kids. His two and my two from previous marriages. None together.
We have a failure to launch at 33. He works but is never really settled, and somehow always broke for someone without any real bills. I worry about what he'll do when we're gone, because he really seems like he'll never be able to support himself at this rate. He's literally the stereotype of living in the basement playing video games.
We have a 29 year old who is out, has her own place and a child of her own. She struggles from time to time but is managing. Her lifestyle is concerning because it lacks stability, but who are we to judge if she's making it work.
We have a 24 year old who has a good job but terrible spending habits. If not for that, she could have had her own place by now. She's dating a failure to launch who hasn't worked in 4 years. He's 28. She's hoping he launches soon and the two of them will get their own place. I'm not holding my breath. I wish she'd move on from him, but she's got to make her own mistakes and learn.
Finally the 20 year old. He's still in college and is showing plenty of ambition, but he struggles a lot more than I expected him to. I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but my hopes are still pretty high for him.
I don't have space to be housing multiple generations like seems to be popular on reddit lately. GTFOH with that. Grow up and get your own space. Please.
Any-Perception3198@reddit
My partner’s 22 yo daughter doesn’t work, not going to school and lives with her mom who, to my knowledge and his ex just lets her. She was extremely book smart in high school. Top of the class. I’ve often wondered if she’s depressed and she also gives me Asperger’s vibes. Son is very different at 16 but neither are big fans of working or driving. I’d like to blame his ex for being a slacker mom but that may not be the whole picture.
Electronic_Syrup7592@reddit
I don’t think it’s a Gen Z thing at all. I think it’s a kid thing. Every kid is different. I have a millennial and some gen Z kids. Sometimes they’re motivated, sometimes they aren’t. Drugs is a big problem for all generations, and maybe your kid needs some help. Either way, 22 and 23 is VERY young.
USAF_Retired2017@reddit
The closest I have to 20 is a 16yo. Then an 11 and soon to be 10 year old. The 11yo is the only one with a shot at a typical life. My oldest is smart, but is on the spectrum and he doesn’t understand nuance, sarcasm, troubleshooting, etc…he has no social skills and no friends and doesn’t want them. My youngest is developmentally delayed and is also on the spectrum and will probably end up in a long term care facility/group home when I am too old to take care of her. Which isn’t far off as I’ve already had two surgeries in eight months and I have another one scheduled next year and depending on my knee, maybe another one. Sigh. So, hopefully when one gets into his 20s, he will be okay.
not-a-dislike-button@reddit
Brutal. Hopefully they will find a prenatal screening test for autism soon.
FlippingPossum@reddit
46F here. My oldest (21) is in graduate school. I am worried about the job situation after that but she does work.
You need to put your needs first. I would be proactive and tell your youngest that your savings are gone. Divert extra funds to your savings.
He may be struggling with his mental health. See if their is a community services board in his community. All you can go is point him toward possible help. He has to want to tackle his lack of job.
not-a-dislike-button@reddit
Are they both male? Seeing a lot of men be abject failures by choice and bums lately. Typically they weren't raised by a father.
OhSoSoft@reddit
My oldest is almost 27, lives in the city. He's had mental health struggles in the past. When he was fired for the first time ever, he didn't even look for another job for about a year, he became a recluse. At the start of this year, he told me he felt like all he had in life was work, sleep, gaming, and his 2 cats. He didn't want to talk much, but he had said he was considering looking for a therapist. I found out recently that he hasn't had a job for 2 months, he hasn't told me, so I'm not pushing it or saying I know. But I saw him on the weekend, he looks tired, burnt out and just not his usual self. I'm worried about him. He's also received some heartbreaking family news lately. Which I know isn't helping. Feels like all I can do at this point is stay stepped back but still reassure him, I'm here no matter what. We can only do our best, but we also have to let them spread their wings. Which for me is really hard right now. I want to help, to fix things but for now I just check in more, and have conversations with his dad's (biological and step) so that we can all try to find ways to support, and encourage him.
she_slithers_slyly@reddit
I started proactively raising mine to be productive, contributing members of society. As in, they actually know that by heart - "You WILL be a productive, contributing member of society". I used everything as a teaching/learning opportunity because my brother is this person. He hasn't done well in adulting at all. Imo, neither did I. Our parents were shit, absolute shit. But I knew I had to do things differently and this was not going to be the outcome for me - worrying about fuck up children who have no clue how to pull it together.
My children are all adults, they are in happy healthy relationships. They are responsible, debt free, have good jobs wherein they have and exercise opportunities for growth. The oldest has a child and takes care of their child, with support in watching him from family - but without any government assistance.
Generationally speaking, we've already surpassed the legacies of abuse, neglect, toxicity, dysfunction, and systemic poverty that plagued my childhood.
LavenderPearlTea@reddit
I have two kids in their 20s. I feel like the daughter has her life together but the son is drifting. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I don’t think the young men in Gen Z are okay.
Glittering-Dig-2139@reddit
There’s one in every family. I dunno if children are worth having these days.
Quantum_Pineapple@reddit
Make sure your son isn’t undiagnosed autistic or AUDHD before any strong decisions.
lilred7879@reddit
Yep 2 of them
Meldancholy@reddit
I think you're doing what's right by refusing to help them right away during this eviction. I am a tough love mom. My son is 26, he struggled for a little bit - he didn't get his driver's license until he was 22, he really didn't see the need for it. He was a bit of a slacker, graduated high school but often called High School a prison.
The one caveat I always had in high school was that he either did extracurriculars or he worked after school or on the weekends all throughout High school. He did that and luckily established a good work ethic. When he was 23 he started going to church- I am a pagan and really not that into organized religion, but he is his own person and I didn't talk trash or stand in his way. He joined a men's group at the church that met every Thursday night. I truly feel that was a turning point. I was a single mom as well, his dad is out of the picture and really not that great of a role model.
Also through the church he met a girl thank god, who is incredibly driven and demanded the best from him. I credit the men at church and his girlfriend for giving him the motivation and confidence to step up. His girlfriend is now his fiance, he did a mission trip to Spain, and has done volunteer work.
I personally feel that both of the kids your son and his girlfriend had an understanding about being a part of a community maybe that could assist them in their drive and motivation.
RizzotheCat@reddit
Yes. Details are exhausting. Just trying to be supportive in this stupid world we’ve (un)prepared for them.
theanoeticist@reddit
It's from having no (consistent) male adult role model (dad). Sit him down and explain that you spent the last of your savings and that you can't afford any more.
freddy_c_2@reddit
55 year old male, 3 boys, the oldest being my stepson. Came into his life when he was 10, and did everything I could to show him how life was going to challenge him. Unfortunately, his mother coddled him, and no matter what I said no to he would go behind me and get it from her. Now he's in his 30's and is struggling to get passed all the mistakes he made in his 20's thinking all he had to do is call his mother to fix his messes. Kid never grew up, and now life is handing him his ass.
The other two are in college. She realized her mistakes with the oldest, and I put my foot down when I see her trying to coddle them. It's true mother's love their son's.... Sometimes that love leads to them not understanding the world won't think they're as special as their moms do ...
gorkt@reddit
I have a 23 and 21 year old. My 23 year old is doing very well, getting her PhD at an Ivy after struggling during COVID. My son is in college, high functioning ASD, and I worry for him. He has never held a job except at his father’s company, who can accommodate him. He has a lot of OCD and sensory symptoms and struggles to find a therapist that he relates to.
LectureBasic6828@reddit
I have 2 kids in their 20's. Both have anxiety. One is autistic and the other is a big question mark but has said he doesn't want to be assessed. Both have struggled socially, and one has massive self-confidence issues, probably due to being bullied in primary school. The pandemic had an effect too. I struggled with anxiety, and when I was younger, I would go out and get wasted at the weekends. Neither of my kids drink much, and alcohol isn't a big part of their socialising. Heavy drinking was common among many young people when I was growing up, probably self medicating for a myriad of issues.
cinciTOSU@reddit
Our friend group in the 80s got absolutely hammered just about every chance we got from 16 yo through college. The culture has changed since and drinking is way less popular now with the younger generation. Good for them in that regard.
Low-Anxiety2571@reddit
I have a super high achieving one. Still not wanting to work for the man.
ezgomer@reddit
I was going through depression - all of my mid and late 20s. Makes it very difficult to launch. Not bad enough to be hospitalized but enough for weekly therapy and meds.
My parents supported me through all of that but I also kept working, even crappy retail jobs - just something to show that I respected them and was thankful for the help. I also kept pursuing career jobs even though I changed directions 3 or 4 times.
Finally - at the age of 31, I could 100% pay all my own bills. 31!!!!! Meanwhile my younger brother was out on his own and completely independent by 24.
I’m all for helping your kids, but that entitlement and disrespect? Oh no no no no.
djkeone@reddit
51(m) here. My son is 29, has been in a downward spiral for the last decade and destroyed every familial bond that he had because of his actions, and is convinced himself its due to lack of support. I was estranged from him as a child and I was cast out of his life due to circumstances beyond my control. When I was finally able to reconnect with him at age 16 he was smart, handsome, personable, and seemed to be socially well adjusted. He also had pretty advanced adhd and was smoking a lot of weed, but so had I at his age. He exhibited some anger management issues and was prone to impulsive and indulgent behaviors. I tried to instill some wisdom and common sense, make up for lost time but of course you can’t forge primary bonds after a certain point, so our relationship was always more like a mentor/friend than a father/son.
He was raised by his mom, who shielded him from having a relationship with me and his extended relatives on my side to prevent him from having abandonment issues, saying I was too unstable to be a consistent role model. She never enforced boundaries and didn’t discipline him. Around age 20 when he was in college he started showing borderline behaviors and getting into fights, going on unhinged abusive rants on his phone, using harder drugs, and getting into trouble. He was always supported by his mom, who was paying his expenses while in school. Neither of us are rich, we were both deadheads that had a kid before we knew what we were doing. She realized she was naturally good at yoga and turned that into a full time career as a yoga instructor with many clients in New York City and did pretty well for herself. Both of us worked our asses off to get any kind of footing in the world, so he came from working class but grew up around New England rich kids. I’m not sure what gave him the laziness and sense of entitlement he started displaying. Anyways, long story short he got kicked out of school for smoking weed on campus. Transferred schools, got in trouble with the law, turned into a manipulative abusive arrogant delusional asshole that couldn’t keep a job, was having mental health episodes threatening suicide regularly, got evicted from his student housing, beat up his mom and stole thousands of dollars from her, and the list goes on…all the while getting a stipend every month from her she finally had enough and cut him off. He was homeless in New York for months and one he showed up unannounced at my door in Oregon after telling posting on his moms business instagram page we were narcissistic abuser pieces of shit that he wanted nothing to do with, and asked if he could stay on my couch and get on his feet. Naturally I was reluctant, since the house is small and my wife and I didn’t ask for an adult child roommate, but he was pursuasive and insistent, so I gave in, said we would try it out but there were baseline expectations and there would be a time limit on how long he could live here. Basic shit, get a job, stay busy, hit the ground running everyday and don’t make yourself a nuisance, respect my stuff, etc. don’t have to tell you but in less than a week we were in a full blown brawl, house destroyed, police called…I gave him the last $3k I had in savings and told him gtfo and don’t contact me again. I wish there had been a way to have a normal healthy outcome but it was beyond broken and I’m not going to be bullied and disrespected I’m my house.
SkipNYNY@reddit
Same here. What gets me is the fact that our healthcare system is not able to help with any of these mental health/trauma/addiction issues. Plenty of places. Questionable impact.
Fluid-Comedian@reddit
I think 22 is still young and he has time to turn it around. Don't give up on him, his brain is still developing and the last few years have been pretty shit for most people. The youth of today don't have the optimism we had, it's hard to be young and without hope.
I have a son the same age, he's doing OK but I still support him every chance I get. I was alone and independent from age 15 and I don't want my kids to struggle like I did.
elissapool@reddit
Not mine. 26 year old. Science degree with first class honours, now working as an ecologist and living with partner.
Life_Smartly@reddit
Being abusive towards you & his girlfriend (the child?) are a serious issue. Bailing out of everything & taking no responsibility are also troublesome. Doubt things will improve at this point. But some do when they get a heap of pain that humbles them. A lot of young people are struggling to cope in an ever increasingly difficult world. How good/bad things go depends on how well they're prepared. Emotional support without judgment (we all stumble) is what's available now but there needs to be zero tolerance for disrespect.
No_Goose_7390@reddit
We only have one kid. He's ironing his clothes for the week right now. He has an internship at an accounting firm. He's 22. Taking college at his own pace but working hard. Has some trouble with anxiety and depression- who doesn't- but he doesn't give up. So proud of him. He's a good kid.
Still living at home, and that's fine. I think he's going to make it. Things weren't easy for him in school so I told him- if things are harder for you, you work harder. He's focused on school and on his future.
Not sure how we got such a good kid. We were such fuck ups.
grateful_john@reddit
I have one kid, a 22 year old son who recently graduated college with a triple major (math, physics and computer science, high honors in math) and a masters degree (math). He didn’t get into a PhD program due to grants being chopped but is living in NYC with his girlfriend, working as a personal trainer at a gym and an SAT math tutor (he plans on cutting out working at the gym if the SAT place gives him more hours). He’s getting ready for another try at applying for a PhD while also looking at jobs in finance. His girlfriend is a bartender trying to break into directing on Broadway (she has a comp science degree as a backup, lol). I’d say he’s doing okay.
ExpensiveNumber7446@reddit
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like mental illness. I hope one day he will seek help. I find this generation coming up (in general) is working and/or going to a college or trade school, and striving to make it, some with multiple jobs.
Careless_Lion_3817@reddit
It sounds like you did your best and yes, stick with tough love…as hard as that may feel. You’re doing ok and ok is all you can do.
Mental-Artist-6157@reddit
I have a 21, almost 19 & 17 yr old male stepchildren. Also 55 yr old f. Stand your ground, fellow mama. He must step up for himself here.
Temporary_Tune5430@reddit
Sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Stand your ground. You’ve done your job as a parent.