ULPT: How to make a funeral worse for someone?
Posted by No_Ostrich_691@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 85 comments
My grandpas wife kept us in the dark even after his death. My mom (his daughter) had to find out through a text from his wife’s kid that he died. So for reference, she kept her own kids in the loop but not her husband’s kids. One of my mom’s siblings flew out there a day ago just to find out he’s dead. She didn’t even get to say goodbye over a phone call, she didn’t even get the decency of being told about his death. She almost saw it on Facebook first. His wife is going through a very hard time right now with his passing, so I want to make it worse because I honestly don’t care what her reasonings were. So when we see that Caring Understanding Nice Thoughtful lady at the funeral, how can I make it so much worse for her?
AriaPoe@reddit
Arrange for undesired things to be delivered to their address during the funeral. Welcome home!
randomresearch1971@reddit
Have each person show up late with smelly food, make a big, loud deal out of sitting in front pew, walk up and interrupt her when she starts addressing the audience, look at your watch and say, “hey! They’re HERE! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome (fill in band name here- l recommend a junior or high school marching band (they’d appreciate the opportunity to perform and probably could be there faster than any regular band.) The band enters playing their instruments, move her out of the way and line up (while still playing instruments). All remaining band players must remain in the middle of each aisle, trapping everyone in.
While all of this is taking place, you could bring in plastic bowls/plates/utensils and start serving food to everyone in attendance (make sure the artwork on the bowls and plates are for a child’s birthday party).
If you’d like to rent the services of a bodyguard, have them escort bitchy widow OUT. Tell the mourners how she deliberately kept you from finding out.
Reinforce the fact that the service is a farce because of what she did, so you decided to treat the service like one- and tell them your father NEVER would have approved of shutting you out, and if could see what you did to retaliate, he’d probably die all over again from laughing so hard.
Just an idea. Other than that? I got nothin’. Take care!
Rangavar@reddit
When you talk to her, say in a lighthearted tone "At least he finally got away from ya!"
Dasrule@reddit
Get an actor to show up and give a speech as the secret gay lover.
7thAndGreenhill@reddit
Bonus points if the secret lover is also a little person
quotidianwoe@reddit
I like the cut of your jib.
bc60008@reddit
😝
Ok_Perception1131@reddit
When you hug her, put a piece of chewed chewing gum on the back of her dress.
7thAndGreenhill@reddit
That is so simple and yet so evil. I love it
arrowtron@reddit
You devil.
swirlybat@reddit
in her hair
Bestie-Ethel@reddit
Hire a mariachi band to play right outside the service or across the street from the grave site. Close enough to be really loud but far enough to be off the church/cemetery/funeral home property.
7thAndGreenhill@reddit
And have them play “Pop Goes the Weasel” repeatedly
tc7665@reddit
this is so disrespectful, but i can’t stop giggling.
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
When someone calls and asks for the dead person(or asks about them in person) it’s like turning the dagger again. Doesn’t matter if it’s an old acquaintance, a charity asking for another donation, or a telemarketer. It’s one type of rough in the first few months, still painful at 6 months, and when you get past the year point, it catches you off guard.
In completely unrelated news, Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses can be “dispatched” to an address.
Different-While8090@reddit
That's truly diabolical. I hope we never quarrel.
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
Don’t worry, I never actually do the things I whisper in other people’s ears 😈
queseraseraphine@reddit
Hire a mariachi band.
Local_Produce_4278@reddit
Accidentally have someone kiss her while wearing dead red lipstick. She’ll look like an ass in all the pix, if you plan it right 💋
UnfairNight7786@reddit
Don’t think I’ve ever taken pics at a funeral.
robotjackie@reddit
this might be a long shot: is this in Colorado, by chance?
if so, I'm a thicc goth girl with pink hair, piercings, and tattoos. I'd be more than happy to show up and claim i was his mistress, and make a WHOLE scene about it.
Upper_Beautiful_3688@reddit
Can anyone else hear “Don’t be suspicious. Don’t be suspicious “ ??
UnfairNight7786@reddit
Central California. I can scream and rage with the best of em!
No_Ostrich_691@reddit (OP)
LMAO!! That sounds perfect but unfortunately it’s nowhere near Colorado. You’re awesome tho!!
onthenextmaury@reddit
Where you at? Tattooed, actress, no shame.
AffectionateMarch394@reddit
Canadian here, same offer, pink babe, my ass is the size of a small dump truck and I have a green Mohawk haha
Weak-Investigator503@reddit
I like that you made it a “small” dump truck. I giggled. Nicely done.
winrus2016@reddit
Iowa here if you need it!
robotjackie@reddit
Welp. if your next funeral is closer.. you know who to call 😘
DeliciousBeanWater@reddit
Hows about Pennsylvania? I have hella tats and i can dye my hair
RedHeadedStepDevil@reddit
Oh I’m in PA, too! We could show up together!
brandibesher@reddit
picturing you two like owen wilson n vince vaughn in wedding crashers lol
DeliciousBeanWater@reddit
😂😂
DeliciousBeanWater@reddit
Yaaaaaaaasss i hope its in pa
Spare-Set-8382@reddit
If it’s in Florida I will wear all black including hat and sunglasses and be all mysterious while loudly weeping in the background.
SergeantSkull@reddit
You in oklahoma ill show up as a gay lover
CouchCreepin@reddit
AZ and I’m in. Hubby is as well, we can be goth, occult or raver. Whatever is the most shocking. Could probably rope some friends into this too
ToxDocUSA@reddit
I'm on the east coast but willing to pay round trip airfare and a couple of nights in a decent hotel for you to come to my family's next funeral...
No one's even being assholes, I am just completely amused imagining this!
robotjackie@reddit
HA! i would gladly do it. i literally have pacts with several friends to make scenes and/or appear ominously off to the side as a highly suspicious/mysterious onlooker at each other's funerals/ weddings/ other big events.
SuggestableFred@reddit
Hey uh my grandpa is dead too
robotjackie@reddit
lol.. I'll add him to the list 🖤
ExcessiveBulldogery@reddit
I'm in Colorado, could we set something up for like 2055?
CBus-Eagle@reddit
You’re awesome.
57_Eucalyptusbreath@reddit
Sending inter hugs to you.
You are AWESOME!
MeatloafingAround@reddit
Call the funeral home and cancel the funeral.
A012A012@reddit
Turn the eulogy into a roast.
Or...
Double book the venue and tell folks we'll just have to take turns speaking for both people.
Or...
Have a pizza delivered in the middle of it.
Sea_Bear7754@reddit
I would try to open the casket or make a scene about how he moved if it’s an open casket
Rachel_Silver@reddit
Bring an entourage. An hour before the funeral, have each person consume half a pound of sauerkraut. Sit as close to her as possible during the service, and stand right next to her in the receiving line.
LastLostCause@reddit
Is your side all going to be able to go to the funeral at the same time? Get there early, speak to the funeral director. Get more chairs put in the receiving line. Take up as much space as you possibly can, all of you. Plan an after funeral celebration of life, and don't let them know about it. Invite everyone at the end of the funeral. Surprise!
Eaudebeau@reddit
This is much better than my suggestion, which was lots and lots of farting.
Akrevics@reddit
Speaker with Jack-in-the-box sound playing?
AdeptnessG00d@reddit
Just wanted to recommend a speaker. She wants to hold a speech? Music! She wants to cry? Music! +hold your own speech. Let everyone there know what happened, call her out in public. Take away her space, whenever she gets some and when she holds a drink push her and let it spill all over her
ItPutsLotionOnItSkin@reddit
Maybe some piss disks on the wife's side
NoEntertainment6246@reddit
Piss disks are obviously the #1 choice.
But, I’ve got a new one (probably not original- still evil):
WerhmatsWormhat@reddit
They can do that, too. A nice combo.
cochlearist@reddit
I'm not sure I'm understanding.
Did your mum actually care about her dad?
If she did then ruining his funeral might not be the best revenge.
If it's the case that his wife is a dragon then she is absolutely bound to make sure everybody knows what sort of a person she is at the funeral.
I've known people who's dad died after marrying a hell hound, it's awful, it was his choice, everybody knows what she's like before she makes a fool of herself.
Inject milk into her car seats after.
Jennyonthebox2300@reddit
Last comment sounds like it’s been done and worked. Also open cans of cat food under the seats.
NoEntertainment6246@reddit
*open, empty, smoosh into carpeting 😇
neduranus@reddit
Follow the money 💰 💵
Super_Reading2048@reddit
Buy her something that her husband loved but that she hated. So if for instance he loved fishing but she hated it, buy her a beautiful painting print of a fish or a couple fancy fish hooks. Tell her you just know he would have loved it, so you got her this.
Buy her a few steak dinners from grub hub. Just so she will not have to cook. Get it well done. The steak will not reheat well.
Tell her god gave her hardships to bring others to whatever her religion is. Isn’t it good that god has a plan for everything? (I was told that first part about my MS, I’m now an atheist.)
bihufflepuff@reddit
The talking wall fish!!! The ones that sing!! Tell her you have one and grandpa thought it was the best thing!!
imliltayimrichaf@reddit
Put some respect on Big Mouth Billy Bass’s name.
bihufflepuff@reddit
I’m so sorry I didn’t know his name. I will from now on refer to him as such. Thank you kind sir.
imliltayimrichaf@reddit
Put some respect on my vagina! 😂😂😂 sorry I’m just out of control now. Have a good one.
bihufflepuff@reddit
Oh my goodness, fair lady, I worship at the alter of the vagina. My deepest apologies!!
imliltayimrichaf@reddit
😂
LowNefariousness6541@reddit
Get steaming hot OTT drunk, strip naked, mount a prominent table or bench and begin pissing while singing Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead.
sunshine_ish@reddit
Pretend to be her son and call in to change the time of the funeral!
Ecstatic-Ostrich6546@reddit
Have your own better funeral (blackjack and hookers optional) and invite everyone except her
ResolveConfident3522@reddit
Piss disc.
b0ingy@reddit
piss disk.
TheMightyMisanthrope@reddit
Have you seen scary movie 3?
Mtn_Soul@reddit
Could be mental illness causing that though. My own mother has issues and took my Grandmother off life support without telling me first which hurt like hell back when it happened. Later in life she got a mental health diag and is now on meds and gets care so she was not fully cognizant of what she was doing. That was really harsh/hard on me as my grandmother basically raised me.
Maybe consider that, it's hard I know but people go undiagnosed for years sometimes and that can really hurt families. She might need care, not your responsibility but maybe an angle to look into.
PearlySweetcake7@reddit
So, the wife and her family are all coming to the funeral, you say? If they don't have cameras, you could get someone to do all sorts of things. Shrimp in the curtain rods. Itching powder in the beds and on the towels. Ink in the shower head. Soak something in milk and put it in the vent. Sprinkle seeds all over their lawn. Nails on the driveway. Take all of the remotes and light bulbs. Be sure to change the settings to another language and turn the volumes all the way up first.
Deny-Degrade-Disrupt@reddit
Itching powder, look it up, lots of recipes. The most evil yet accessible is crushed window plexiglass. Blending insulation is a danger to you, the blender
bihufflepuff@reddit
Start a rumour that she poisoned him, like the mushroom lady in Australia.
Tell all your side of the family to play along, whisper it to friends or distant relatives. Are there mushrooms at the service? Avoid them at all costs, tell people she’d made a ‘special’ delivery for them.
Also is he cremated? Take him. Replace him with ashes from a fire or straight up sand, I think you can get fertiliser from stores that looks pretty damn close. Let her cry over literal shit.
Separate_Wall8315@reddit
Extend her grief beyond the funeral. Anything that makes her think of people she doesn’t want to think about.
Old people love mail. Send grief cards, short “thinking about you” notes, articles that “Gramps would’ve loved“ even if you have no idea if he wanted to be called Gramps or would’ve cared about the article, holiday cards, his first birthday in Heaven, his first Christmas in heaven, etc. Do anything you would do if you were trying to get in her Will.
Print out a bunch of envelops and get stamps so you’re ready to go on any whim.
SnortsSpice@reddit
Infest her home with bed bugs
No_Ostrich_691@reddit (OP)
I lkke the way u think
throwaway76881224@reddit
How much time did his children spend with him prior to passing? Is it possible he didnt want anyone to come and shes just grief stricken?
Grief can make someone not think to do things that need done, or her kids may have asked how they can help and she asked them to alert the rest of the family. Sharing his passing might have been to much for her. If shes not handling it well as you said then people should give her some grace
swirlybat@reddit
eat a bundle of asparagus and pee in her car
EmergencyGrocery3238@reddit
All great advice here, and don't forget liquid ass
iamthelastmartian@reddit
A quick bump graveside
Other-Resort-2704@reddit
It depends on grandfather’s wife personality. It is definitely messed up that she effectively blocked out her husband’s own biological children from being able to say “goodbye” to him.
So obviously, she is on the controlling side. Your side of the family need to do stuff that will create chaos. So maybe invite whole bunch of old family friends or his old work colleagues to honor your late grandfather’s memory. Make sure that you have your mother and her siblings tell all sorts of great stories about her father, so everyone knows that the attention will be focused on your grandfather. I am guessing that your step grandmother isn’t going to take it too way that she have to play second fiddle at the funeral
Ugly-And-Fat@reddit
I suggest outshine the other side. Buy the biggest, flashiest flowers for grand papa. Show up wearing the most sexy black attire, I'm talking black-tie-event attire. And I agree with the guy who suggested to take up as much space as possible at the funeral.
Also, see if you can arrange to make a speech at the funeral - play some music and claim that it was grand papa's favorite - then allow each of his children to make a speech about how much he loved each of them. I'd even throw in some "memories" that may or may not be true to paint him as a saint of a father to his own children.