living the "american dream", but i want to go back home. any advice?
Posted by homoky0shi@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 21 comments
hello. please let me know if this belongs to this subreddit, i'm fairly new to posting.
for context i'm 24f and my dad, sister, and i immigrated to the u.s. in 2023. i'm currently a green card holder while they're both citizens already. we moved here for better opportunities etc., but i have been feeling extremely homesick and depressed living outside of my home country when my friends, other family members, and partner are all back home.
i've expressed these feelings to my parents and the want to go back home, but they both disagreed to the idea. they keep saying how a lot of people dream of coming here and i'm giving it up just because "i'm sad" or that i'm abandoning my sister, who just turned 18 (for those of asian heritage, i think you'll understand), and leaving her alone in the u.s. my mom, who is unable to go here bc of complicated marriage reasons, also insists that i'm only feeling this way because my partner is back home. although partly true, i don't think they grasp how depressing it is being moved to a different country without a choice during adulthood.
since my dad works for an airline, he suggested the idea of going back and forth so i wouldn't be lonely, but it's still making me feel so much negativity. i also don't think it's a good idea to be doing that given the political climate in the u.s. right now. i'm contemplating just leaving and going no contact, but i realize the consequences of doing that, both for my legal status here and my relationship with my family.
do any of you have any advice for me because i'm genuinely in pain and would appreciate any similar experiences.
MeggatronNB1@reddit
US is the best country in the world. You are young now but 10 years from now you will see that living in the US is a gift that should now be wasted. Start a life there and ask your partner to come join you. USA is better. Trust me.
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
No it's not.
MeggatronNB1@reddit
Yes, it actually is. It is not perfect but is is the best.
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
I've lived for numerous years in Europe, Canada, and America.
America is far far at the bottom
MeggatronNB1@reddit
I was born and raised in Zimbabwe and and spent 5 years in the UK. A few months in the USA and a few months in South Africa.
The USA offers 50 states mate. 50 different options on where and how to live, freedom of speech, (Except for public criticism of Israel) black, white, Latino, Indian, straight or LGBTQ, religious or non religious the options are endless. And you will always be able to find your tribe. NO other country offers all that and more.
Now I will admit that from an economic perspective to fully enjoy the USA you will need to earn at least $200K a year and be smart with money.
But trust me, I believe that I am experienced enough to know that USA is number 1. Despite all that is going bad now, this is not a true reflection of what America is and what it stands for.
Canada = Cold as hell.
Europe is also mostly cold as hell and so many different languages and cultures that one would need to adapt to. Most of the European countries are not welcoming at all.
Also you must consider that I am a University educated Black man, so I know how Europe and the USA feels towards people of colour and I can tell you that the UK and France are the ONLY European countries where they (for the most part) won't care about the skin colour and actively fight against open racism and discrimination.
But tell me what is it your number country and why??
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
I am an American who grew up in the Netherlands. I lived in the Netherlands for 17 years, Canada for 17 years and the USA for 17 years America is the worst country of all of them. Absolutely not the place to grow old. Pretty simple. And it's declined immensely in the last 10 years.
Oh, and Canada isn't "Cold as Hell". That comment alone proves how uninformed you are.
I now love on Corfu on Greece. Will never live in America again. It's an absolutely anti social country.
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
No. It's not.
MeggatronNB1@reddit
I respectfully disagree, I think if you take everything into consideration, it is the best.
Pale-Candidate8860@reddit
It depends which country they are coming from. This sub is definitely against the US very lopsidedly, but I think it would depend. I think in a Bangladesh versus America scenario, America wins. Japan versus America, assuming they are Japanese in this case, Japan would probably win in that scenario. So I think it really does depend.
What countries have you lived in and visited to make this decision that America is the best? It may be the best for you, but not for others.
NailAggravating770@reddit
This sub-Reddit is most definitely not against the US. They only talk about the pure sad reality in the country. As an American myself, who is born and never immigrated into the country, a lot of delusional Americans who are educated but are still underemployed, do not realize that they have one of the lowest upward mobilities in the western world. But of course they feed into that myth of this supposed “American dream” even though it’s highly absent in the majority of the people’s lifetimes in the country. However, of course, if you’re born wealthy, then it’s a total different story. But that’s mostly the same case for every country in the world, including developing ones.
NailAggravating770@reddit
What are you even talking about? The US is legitimately the worst country in the world. Not a single western country has as much poverty, misery, low social mobility, debt, bureaucracy, corruption and a damage ineffective democracy. There is a reason why 94% of irregular immigration into the US is purely from Latin America primarily Venezuelans, even so the Latin American community in the states has the worst economic outcomes and is nowhere near as successful as the ones in Canada, Spain, the UK, Australia etc.
snatchinyosigns@reddit
Ew
HubGur5757@reddit
I’m an American living abroad. Don’t listen to anyone telling you that you must stay because it is a great country. It doesn’t matter how great the country is, there is pain in immigration and being far from friends and family. It sounds like you’re from Asia (apologies if I misunderstood, I saw you mentioned Asian heritage). This means you’re really far from where you’re from, and time zones can make it hard to even talk to loved ones
I know the pain you speak of. It’s aching!
Ultimately it’s worth thinking what is it that you want in your life - school, career, etc. how could being in the states help you with that?
And if you choose to go home, are you able to return?
homoky0shi@reddit (OP)
thank you for the affirmation. i appreciate it a lot. :)
yes, i’m asian, so immigrating also comes with the cultural burden of responsibility—of how I’m supposed to pay my parents back for the sacrifices they made to bring me here.
i've been honest to them about my plans to work in nonprofits here. while i know there are far more opportunities in the u.s. for that, i still feel like my calling is back home. they haven't respected that so far, including me being depressed in the u.s.
i guess it also doesn't help that i have a narcissistic mom and a dad who piggybacks with whatever she decides.
HubGur5757@reddit
I have many friends in your situation. Burdened by the expectation that they spend their lives taking care of others, that duty becomes before any sense of self. It is a trap, but it is a trap with a door. There is a way out.
You’re not only grieving immigration but the loss of autonomy, of who you could be if YOU alone could choose your own life.
You’re not failing by wanting something different from your parents. You’re not ungrateful for recognizing that their sacrifice came at the cost of your own well-being. Sacrifice that’s used to control you isn’t love, it’s leverage. And while it might be true that your parents gave up a lot to come to the U.S., that doesn’t mean your purpose is to suffer here on their behalf.
I cannot tell you whether to stay or leave. You can look at my own post history, it’s a question I haven’t answered for myself. But I have a feeling the deeper, realer, more honest question you’re asking is whether you’re right to feel this way. To have someone tell you that you’re not a bad, selfish child. That the ache in your chest that you feel is real. And stranger to stranger, who both know that feeling in a way non immigrants will never understand, I can answer that question - you are right. Your pain is not imagined. Your longing is not betrayal. Your one and precious life does, and will always, belong to you.
NailAggravating770@reddit
How did you even manage?? The very few people I’ve known that moved to America now have lower social mobility and extreme underemployment, they’ve mentioned that it was a huge mistake they’ve made and “not at all worth it”. But since the very few people I’ve known who’ve moved to America, are only First Worlders from other developed nations being in the entrepreneurship business, it might be different from people that comes from developing nations.
homoky0shi@reddit (OP)
i honestly don't know how i'm managing either. i've tried working jobs here to save and help my dad out, but my god has it been so difficult to even progress from the socioeconomic class we're in, especially as first generation immigrants. and yet they expect things from me like i'm a billionaire everytime i go home lmao
crispybutphd@reddit
My parents never ever agreed with any decision I ever made in my life but it didn’t stop me from making the decision contrary to their wishes. You have to realize that your parents are essentially just RANDOM PEOPLE who happen to have created you. They don’t necessarily have any kind of above average wisdom or guidance compared to any other random person. Sure, they may or may not know you well, but not as well as you know yourself. When I look back at my life (I’m a bit old), I am so thankful I did NOT listen to them and created my own life path. In the end, you are responsible and you alone for how your life is going. There is no final payoff or great reward for doing stuff that other people wanted you to do. I would create short medium and long term goals of where you want to be in life and then work backwards to see how to get there. If you want to end up like your parents, you might want to make similar decisions to them, if not, don’t.
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
You're 24. Why on earth are you sacrificing your happiness because the rest of the family wants to live the Ametucan Nightmare?
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
You are 24!!! Enough said.
Go home and live your own life.
Millennial_Snowbird@reddit
You’re an adult and frankly so is your sister. She’ll be fine without you as her designated chaperone. Go pursue your happiness. I would hope your parents will understand eventually.