In response to the earlier thread. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in a pub?

As a pub landlord I've seen more of the highs and lows of human experience than most. We get to celebrate your victories, weddings, promotions and newborns but we also see the depressed alcoholics, the recently divorced and widowed, the grieving and the broken people. This industry also attracts workers that don't fit in anywhere else, the uneducated, the drifters, the dreamers and the addicts. You can almost tell who's gonna stick around by how much they smile during the interview. I've seen people at their best and at their worst (sometimes in the same night) and I've struggled with my own demons and found support from people I would never have expected it from. ​ The weirdest story I have though is of this guy I only had the joy of knowing for 2 weeks. We'll call him Dave. Dave was a bit of a waste of space. From what I'd heard he was the sort who would borrow anything from anyone and if nobody would lend him anything he'd go round his Mum's house and steal her TV or her hoover and flog it at cash converters. My boss at the time made the mistake of lending this guy some money and, after realising he was never getting it back, guilted Dave into working off his debt by doing some odd jobs around the pub. Some of those jobs included: \-clearing out the garden shed for the first time in over 20 years (he managed to tear the shed down after falling through the side) \-Repainting the garden wall (he ended up painting the wrong wall and didn't scrape off the dead ivy first) \-Repainting the window frames (he got paint all over the glass because he didn't know what the masking tape was for and spent another day with a razor blade carefully scraping the windows clean) \-Clearing out the upstairs office/storage room. ​ Now this is where the story gets a bit wild. The landlord had been using the room as storage space for years and it had gotten to the point where we could barely open the door and everything was piled up to at least eye level. The whole reason it was getting cleared at last? His guns. Yep, the Boss was losing his shotgun license and needed to surrender his guns that were in a gun cabinet in the cupboard at the back of the room. Took Dave a couple of days and a lot of trips to the local dump to get rid of all the shit in there but he was finally getting there. I was working in the kitchen that day and was just heading upstairs to take a nap during my lunch break when I thought I'd peer into the office and see how Dave was getting on. What I saw next will be imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life because I genuinely thought I was about to witness a suicide. Dave, was sat in there, a shotgun between his knees and his mouth around the barrels. I jumped into the room to stop him and as he looked up I ripped the gun off him and before I could start screaming at him, I noticed he still had his cock out in one hand. I walked out without thinking, gun still in my hand and had to explain to my boss that I'd had to take a gun off Dave because apparently his gun safe wasn't locked. Luckily the ammo was in a seperate safe so Dave never really put himself at risk but holy fuck. Talk about a danger wank.