Whst age would you allow a child to use a public toilet (park/ pub) alone?
Posted by DiscoKnuckle@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 579 comments
Today started with one of those innocent comments that ends up a mini row. 100% willing to accept I was naieve and wrong.
The context is when myself and some friends close to 30 go out we occasionally have children of the group join for meals, pub lunches or day trips.
Apparently my friends pointing out the bathroom to the 10 year old boy and keeping an eye from across the restaurant is dangerous and he should not be allowed to go in alone incase of pedophiles.
She argued they should be supervised (someone waiting in the toilet) until they were 13 as the world and men are dangerous. I siad she needs to use less social media.
Growing up it was obviously dependant on the individual child but I would have never asked my parents to take me me the toilet at 10.
No_Quantity1153@reddit
I’d literally be running away if my mum or dad were trying to come into the toilet with me in case of “pedophiles”. I’d start to think they were the pedophile to be honest. Tell them to stop being chronically online. I started going the toilets alone at probably younger than 6 all they need to do is keep an eye on anyone coming in and how long you’re in for. Or if they really wanted to stand outside…
Collooo@reddit
It would depend on the child and their awareness, understanding of potential situations.
I think my child was around 8-9 when I first allowed that to happen and it’s completely ok.
Few-Ad8859@reddit
I grew up in the 70’s. Pedos in toilets are real. But I was just left in the wild to navigate that world on my own.
mumwifealcoholic@reddit
Context is everything.
I will say this, the most dangerous people to your kids, are the ones you know and trust, not strangers in a pub bathroom.
All the data is clear. Our kids have been safer from strangers. It's why the advice is not focus on "stranger danger!"
PristineKoala3035@reddit
I don’t think that’s a good summation of the data at all. People you know and trust aren’t more dangerous, they have more opportunity to do harm because kids spend so much more time with them. That doesn’t make strangers any less dangerous.
mumwifealcoholic@reddit
How many stranger abductions/rapez/assaults compared to abductions/rapes/assault by people close to you?
ajslov@reddit
I would say teenage years only and ensure they aware of things that can happen in toilets or what to do.
They've had to put attendants/security by some toilets in Canary Wharf due to men mast......Disgusting behaviour.
GBParragon@reddit
My daughter’s been going on her own since she was 6/7. She’s now 9 and will take our 5 year old with her.
There are places where I would go with them but as a general rule I’m happy if they are happy
Ok_Resident3556@reddit
13? I’d have been mortified if my mum had escorted me to the toilet at 13.
No set age, but old enough to not get lost on the way there/back and not needing help to use the toilet. It depends on the individual child but would have thought most would be there by around 8 or 9.
HideousTits@reddit
Yeah, about the same age I let mine walk to and from school on their own- 8/9
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
This is how I feel. I remember as a child if I went to the loo the last thing I needed was a relative checking/ announcing to the world I was indeed using the toilet and to let them know if I needed help. Just leave me be
MonsieurGump@reddit
Mate. I was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s. I was drinking lager at family lunches by 13.
Abquine@reddit
In the early 70s, me and my friend (female) were often off camping at the weekend when we were 13/14, which meant hitchhiking - oh the vapours from the modern audience 😂
padmasundari@reddit
Brady and Hindley had been caught by then and you were a bit old for them too.
Abquine@reddit
Aye, when I think of the killers and deviants I've dodged down the years, never even met Jimmy Saville.
Albert_Herring@reddit
Found my sister's Reddit account...
Maaawiiii817@reddit
I was born in the early 80s and grew up in the 90s. I only had lager shandy at lunches by 13. That really demonstrates the slow creep to sadness.
Mavisssss@reddit
I was born at the same time and was allowed a beer at parties or barbecues.
potatan@reddit
Born in the 60s, was doing this at pubs in the evening by 13
whosUtred@reddit
You waited until 13?
Austen_Tasseltine@reddit
That’s 1pm, guess there was a queue at the bar.
whosUtred@reddit
Haha
AromaticZebra2727@reddit
He waited until lunchtime, anyway.
LondonPilot@reddit
I’m completely with you on this one.
I don’t know if it’s different having a daughter rather than a son (stereotypically at least, she’s less likely to encounter a paedophile in the ladies?). But the last time I remember having any anxiety about my daughter going to a public toilet by herself was when she was about 7 or 8. We were in the Science Museum, and the entrance doors (to the toilet area, not the individual cubicles) were pretty heavy. My concern was whether she’d have the strength to open the door and let herself out when she’d finished! I figured there were enough other people using the toilet, someone would help her if necessary - and it turned out not to be necessary, she was quite capable of opening the heavy door herself.
Ok_Resident3556@reddit
Yea these overprotective parents need to try and think back to how they’d have felt about that level of supervision when they were kids/teens. I bet they’d have hated it. If you wanted some independence from your parents, so will your kids.
gnu_andii@reddit
I can't help but wonder what age the same people think is appropriate for the kid to go on social media. I've had arguments in the past with parents because they think it's fine to fake their child's age to make them an account "because all their friends are doing it".
That seems like something that causes a lot more long term damage than going for a wee on your own. Pretty sure we let my nephew go alone younger than that, 7 or 8 if not younger.
Tay74@reddit
Also posting their kids on social media in their swimsuits, dancing, eating etc. All things we know creeps on the Internet use for their purposes
Strangers aren't the primary threat when it comes to sexual abuse of children, but you expose your kids to a lot more strangers by putting their image on the Internet than you do by letting them go to the bathroom alone
Duranis@reddit
At 13 me and my mates would often be getting trains and could be several hundred miles away by lunch time, no mobile phones, no checking in, just make sure you're back before it's dark.
I've never quite been able to give my kids that kind of freedom, mostly because I also remember all the stupid shit we did as kids, but escorting a kid to the toilet at the age of 13 is ridiculous.
My youngest is 8 and depending on where we are I would let her go by herself. If it was somewhere very busy or a place we didn't know I would go with her and wait somewhere outside within sight but that's more so she wouldn't get lost.
RadVarken@reddit
If I take a train to the next town in the morning I'm lucky to be back by dark. Darn UK trains.
theivoryserf@reddit
Seriously, at 10-11 we were going in groups to 'town' by ourselves at the weekend. This wasn't long ago, and my parents are quite anxious people. We need to stop removing all of kids' autonomy.
Kaioken64@reddit
I was thinking the same. At 10 I had a cheap mobile phone for emergencies and used to fuck off out all day.
Kids these days do seem different though, my brother is 8 and doesn't seem capable of being anywhere near as independent as me and my friends were 20 years ago.
Buddy-Matt@reddit
My son is entirely capable of taking himself to the toilet for a wee, washing his hands, and returning. And he's only 4. Poos are still more tricky, but he's a gnats wing away from being able to wipe at least semi efficiently.
By 5 most kids will have the ability, what with going to school and needing to use those toilets by themselves.
Tbh, if the toilet is in a non scummy location, and I can see the door, I can't see me having a problem with him going on his own from 5.
anyraymmnkings@reddit
100% agree. it depends on the kid but by 10 most are fine handling it
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I have an eight year old, she goes alone to toilets she already knows. I normally go the first time to unknown ones to make sure she can reach things (she's particularly small for her age and sometimes can't reach locks or the soap or something) and that she can work the lock and that it's not really dirty. And I go with her in very busy places. There are places I wouldn't send her alone but they're in locations that aren't really child friendly anyway so we wouldn't be there, like dodgy pubs.
Ok_Resident3556@reddit
This is exactly what I meant by old enough not to get lost and not needing help, which varies. In familiar places they know where they are going so aren’t getting lost, and you need to check if she needs help using the facilities (I’m imaging a small child struggling to reach the taps).
Hard to put a precise age on it, because it probably changes by child and by the place. But 13 is mental.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Yes I was just clarifying. But yeah, by 13 they should be able to go places alone.
Elgin_McQueen@reddit
Sounds about right. At a younger age if they felt fine about going in themselves I'd probably let them, but wait outside for them.
Abquine@reddit
I'd have been in big trouble as from the age of ten I took two buses across town to school and often used the loo at the bus terminus. Although I knew the rules (I still remember the 'don't go off with someone offering to show you puppies' campaign) I don't think there was nearly the level of paranoia currently abounding, much of it promoted by SM from across the pond.
vipros42@reddit
At 13 I got fucking hammered in the park on cider with my mates and basically stayed out all night when there was a big event going on in our town.
Flat_Fault_7802@reddit
If it was a Wetherspoons you would need a Sherpa with you
justhangingaroud@reddit
Hahaha she would’ve taken you into the ladies, just to be safe
PiemasterUK@reddit
Yeah this basically. Would happily let my 8 year old nephew use the toilet on his own if it was somewhere he knew.
VardaElentari86@reddit
I didn't even have a mum by 13! Guess I'd have been constantly bursting for a pee in that case if I was out with dad/brother
bishibashi@reddit
By 10 I let both of mine go on their own, probably earlier. Seeing imaginary paedophiles behind every tree is a modern disease.
Successful-Taste3409@reddit
You need to be more careful, I've seen footage of paedophiles dressed up as schools, they've been getting away with it for years!
Content_Display_1328@reddit
But pedos dress up as schools, there was a documentary as long ago as the 90s about it, how do you shield the lid from that
bloodgutsandpunkrock@reddit
That and that busy public toilets are full of opportunistic deviants.
Paedophiles are everywhere, the amount of cases we hear about on a day to day basis are evidence of that, but they're not hiding out in pub toilets on the off chance that a kid is going to walk in unaccompanied, it's just not how these things work.
theModge@reddit
As I understand it they are very rarely random members of the public, they're generally someone known to the family.
dmmeyourfloof@reddit
Which is ironic when OP's family are insisting on escorting their 13 year old kids into the public toilets.
Statistically they're more of a risk to the kid than random toilet loitering nonces.
CustomerNo1338@reddit
I was literally on an overnight flight some 20 years ago where a creepy looking guy reached across the aisle at like 2 in the morning and tried to touch up a young girl. I was like 15 and she seemed young to me, so maybe 7-10. I woke my parents up and they reported it and he got cuffed and tied to the seat. Police took him away on arrival. So while I agree with your point, there absolutely are opportunistic pedos out there.
ProfessorYaffle1@reddit
Exactly - which is also one ofof the reasons why teachng kids early on about consent, and that it is OK to say no to things that make them uncomfrtable, are so important.
KBKuriations@reddit
The problem comes when people try to avoid directly talking about things like sex and genitals to small children and instead talk about general consent, which is great up until the kid is refusing to consent to things like eating their vegetables or having vaccinations and their parents/doctors overrule them "for their own good" and undermine all their talk about consent.
Tay74@reddit
I mean, it's a tricky balance to find for sure. The best thing you can do is make sure that they understand that can always question or ask you about things an adult has said they have to do.
So yes, "sometimes we will need to do things that you don't have a choice about in order to keep you safe and healthy" but also "of anyone ever does something you are unsure about, you can always question it and ask us about it and you won't be in trouble"
Along with yes, making sure you use the proper terms and context so the child has the language to communicate anything that happens to them
Crystalsnow20@reddit
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PeterJamesUK@reddit
Exactly - mainly because random members of the public (strangers) have very little leverage to threaten consequences with. Big difference between creepy uncle Pete saying "don't tell anyone, it's our secret, they won't believe you anyway" and a random stranger the same thing.
Eaidsisreal@reddit
Picking your own name for an example sex offender?
daneview@reddit
Other Peter
PeterJamesUK@reddit
What kind of an idiot would use their own, real name as a Reddit handle?
RimDogs@reddit
Maybe they were referring to Peter Phile.
potatan@reddit
upvoted - even though this comment works better in a US accent :-)
AmarantCoral@reddit
No. In America they say ped-o-phile. He should move to America
RimDogs@reddit
To be fair I nicked it from The IT Crowd.
https://youtu.be/fTaKDnSIb4c
Sektor_@reddit
So glad about this comment
Resident_Eggplant359@reddit
you’re welcome.
aMoose_Bit_My_Sister@reddit
this might refer to Uncle Pete, who is the main antagonist in "Alfie's Home."
in the book, he molests Alfie, who is a little boy.
https://villains.fandom.com/wiki/Uncle_Pete
mentaldriver1581@reddit
Mine was creepy uncle Clarence.
fergie@reddit
Yes, and therefore I am always slightly suspicious of adults who are constantly talking up stranger danger.
EdgeCityRed@reddit
I just suspect they consume too much true crime-themed media.
ben_jamin_h@reddit
Exactly, it's statistically safer to have your kid go to the bathroom on their own than it is to have an adult who's known to them in there with them.
johnnythefox85@reddit
Absolute rubbish
ben_jamin_h@reddit
How so?
Puzzleheaded-Cap1300@reddit
...they're generally someone known to the royal family.
FIFY.
Alyssa9876@reddit
This is what I was going to say, the vast majority of abuse is from family members, family friends, neighbours, church groups, sports coaches, teachers, etc. in other words someone who knows the child and can gain access to them. Stranger danger was always exaggerated. Yes be aware, but be more aware of the more likely possibilities.
172116@reddit
That was exactly what I was thinking - kid is realistically more at risk from the friends round the table than from a predator in the toilets.
oldpaintunderthenew@reddit
Out of all the places I've ever been bothered by creeps, as a minor and as an adult, a bathroom has never been one of them.
ListenFalse6689@reddit
More likely in the swimming baths, where they expect you to send them into the changing rooms at 8 alone if they are gendered... Thankfully most I have been to recently have had mixed changing rooms, if for no other reason that they can be quite confusing to navigate even for adults sometimes.
onlysigneduptoreply@reddit
Yes these one big room with cubicles are great in that respect parents being able to take an opposite gender tween swimming easily but I also hate that the cubicles are just normal open top and bottom so any weirdo with a phone can go under or over from the next one over
downlau@reddit
I also hate that the showers are usually just open so you have to keep your costume on, I used to swim before work and it was annoying not to be able to have a proper wash.
Alyssa9876@reddit
You should try showers and changing rooms in Europe when I went to a spa in Iceland all the ladies were happy to walk around naked. I was fine at my age I no longer care, but my DD in her late teens was not so happy lol.
downlau@reddit
I happily do the same in women-only spaces, but I'm a bit hesitant in mixed ones. And it would go down like a lead balloon in your average UK 'changing village'.
Abquine@reddit
Yeh and not so great for an 11 year old boy struggling to master control of his appendage either 😂
lacksfocusattimes@reddit
Even more likely at home or in familiar environments where the perpetrator is known to the victim.
DeinOnkelFred@reddit
Pfft. This is just plain wrong!
As a paedophile, I can tell you that the best places to hook-up are public toilets, swimming pools and pubs.
Parks and libraries (and train stations and bus stops) are sooo 1990s.
Liamzinho@reddit
The chances of a random member of the public being a) a pedophile, b) willing to act on it with a child they don’t know, and c) willing to do so in a public place, are absolutely minuscule.
Children need to be taught independence. Depriving them of that because you’re scared of something that has a 0.0000001% chance of happening does more harm than good.
thv9@reddit
I understand, but if the entry to the toilet area has more than 1 (e.g. multiple hallways), with the opportunity to snatch my kid away, I am walking with (and probably go for a wee myself). Even at 10 they are fragile, and a screaming child on ones arm might raise eyebrows.. but that can easily be brushed off by bystanders.
That being said at the age of 10, I'd be more wary of a new online friend who is 14 and wants to meet up somewhere shady than a trip to the public toilet.
Hot-Palpitation4888@reddit
Only a paedo would know how these things work…
Bennjoon@reddit
I got SA’d in my school playground so basically nowhere is safe, you’d go mad living like that.
glasspotatoes14@reddit
That is exactly what a pedo would say on Reddit 🤣😭
scottishmacca@reddit
My uncle was a police officer
He wouldn’t let my cousins go alone even when they were about 15, I remember laughing about it and he told me you have know idea how many predators there are and the stuff he’s had to deal with. This was the 90s
I trust him more than I trust you. And yes the paedophiles are everywhere and in far greater numbers the you seem to think
draenog_@reddit
My dad was a police officer.
He was paranoid as fuck (and still is) because he was dealing with crime and criminals day in, day out for his entire career.
I remember once when we were going out for the day, he locked the car, then stopped, unlocked the car, and then took my little sister's half empty bottle of fanta off the back seat and put it in the boot, scolding us that you had to be really careful about leaving things on display because people would break into the car for them.
We protested that nobody was going to break into the car for the warm dregs of somebody else's soft drink. He was adamant that you could never be too careful, and a homeless person or a drug addict might if they were desperate.
When he and my mum divorced and eventually she got a new boyfriend, he did take the time to stress that if we didn't like him for any reason at all we could tell him anything.
But he wasn't weird about us going into public toilets alone as pre-teens or teenagers. That's some next-level paranoia.
SlimeTempest42@reddit
Your uncle was more likely to be the abuser
scottishmacca@reddit
Says the one that has teddys with trans flags
SlimeTempest42@reddit
Tell that to Sarah Everard, oh wait you can’t because she was raped and murdered by a cop who everyone knew was a danger to women and did nothing about it.
blipbee@reddit
I suppose the police would know, given who walks amongst their ranks.
scottishmacca@reddit
Could probably say that about every profession
Wonder how many of these types work for Tesco/asda or McDonald. Unfortunately that doesn’t catch the headlines I suppose
scottishmacca@reddit
Yeah that’s my point.
So when people say that we are seeing imaginary risks I tend to go with the people’s opinion who see the real risks
Dimac99@reddit
Your uncle only saw the bad outcomes though. Nobody is calling the police to say their child is fine, are they? But the vast, vast majority are fine today same as they were years ago. The over protectiveness comes with its own cost to children's maturity, confidence levels and emotional health. We mock those kids whose parents do everything for them in their older teens, but that's because they were never given any independence to learn when they were younger.
blipbee@reddit
As Walter white said, I am the danger.
bloodgutsandpunkrock@reddit
But that's a biased viewpoint too isn't it? An understandable one due to the fact that I'm sure he saw and heard about things that most of us wouldn't even care to think about on a weekly basis, but biased nonetheless.
Even if your Uncle heard of a handful of assaults that took place in toilets over what I assume was say a 20 year career in the police force (and a time before cameras etc were so prevalent) our day to day experiences alone tell us that these aren't everyday occurrences. I mean, in your just in your immediate family circle, there will have been hundreds of thousands of toilet visits. How many (outside of your Uncle) have witnessed something horrific? I would hazard that it circles around zero.
I certainly understand though why your Uncle would have been more cautious with his kids, as I'm pretty sure that I would be the same if I was in his shoes too, but equally that doesn't make it a balanced viewpoint.
anyraymmnkings@reddit
my parents would've laughed me out the room if i’d asked for an escort at 10
johnnythefox85@reddit
It is but unfortunately a reality and it does exist and happen far too often
wildcharmander1992@reddit
Exactly if they're ten "there's the toilet off you go"
However if it's just me and them and the toilets are upstairs (like in spoons for example) and I need to go toilet they're marching their ass upstairs to wait for me because if a peado, drunken creep or ars*hole is gonna do anything it's more likely gonna be to the unattended kid in a pub booth than it is a kid in a toilet cubicle alone
Tough-Train-5117@reddit
My auntie was very overprotective when I was young and It just put a wedge in our relationship. I felt like she never respected my privacy and boundaries, she felt like when I was with her the worst would happen, she never understood why I was upset because “adults know best” and “there’s so many dirty people in the world” which as a kid I had no idea why she kept telling me about all these horrible people I’d somehow never met with my mum, or nan, or dad, or older sister, or friends, somehow she was the only one around all these “dirty people”, and it made me want to spend less time around her as I got older.
1kBabyOilBottles@reddit
She probably went through some sort of trauma and was trying to protect you
Tough-Train-5117@reddit
I honestly don’t think so, from talking to my nan she was a very confident but reserved child, didn’t have many friends, my other auntie and dad both described her as “a bully” because she tried to control many aspects of their lives too. Some people do suffer trauma, I really don’t think she did. I think she’s just a control freak with severe anxiety and through her whole life it’s cost her relationships, and she’s too self absorbed and convinced she’s a guardian angel she refuses to listen.
ReanimatedCyborgMk-I@reddit
When I was very young (talking 4-6) my parents sat me down and explained some "nasty misters" may try and grab me and hurt me... because sadly there are people out there. And that if they did try and grab me, I was to fight it tooth and nail, shout, ask for help, say this wasnt my dad, who are you, get off me, and even to swear and act out as much as possible.
Otherwise, I had generally freedom to get about a bit.
ChoakIsland@reddit
What about in the toilets? Much more likely in a pub.
theModge@reddit
Though arguably it was worse in the 90s: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ou0fSPZax4
Ch1v3r55@reddit
When Gary Lineker was tricked into saying something insane by Brass Eye
I still look out for pipe to pipe bushman texts.
send_in_the_clouds@reddit
The brass eye episode that mocked this was hilarious.
https://youtu.be/vzo80fqCxfg?si=wcigtpn76aF5ZKQF
No_Battle_6402@reddit
I’m thinking OPs friend was abused so she has a different mindset and OP doesn’t know about it… imo…
OkayTimeForTheTruth@reddit
Seriously?
If my child wanted me to accompany her, I would at any age. But if she wanted to go in alone, I'd say the threshold is whatever age she can independently use the toilet and wipe and be trusted to not leave a mess etc. Maybe 6.
I don't think I would feel any differently were she a boy.
gnu_andii@reddit
If anything, boys are a little safer because they can use the urinals and not actually be in an isolated closed space alone.
OkayTimeForTheTruth@reddit
Good point! Although equally it makes them easier to grab and take into a cubicle in the first place. Plus men are far more likely to abuse. But the presence of other adults that could walk in at any moment is definitely a deterrent.
All stuff to consider... But I think if the parent keeps a watchful eye on who is going in and out and if anyone is lingering and how long the kid has been in there, it ought to be ok.
Tay74@reddit
I mean, surely another deterrent is that a 10 year old, even in the worst case scenario where they are not able to get away or call for help and are abused in a cubicle, is just going to go running out when it's over and tell their parents what happened, and the abuser is going to get caught with a very likely side serving of getting beat up by whoever is with the child
It's not like a situation where it's someone known to the child who has the opportunity to manipulate the child and ensure that they will stay quiet. Literally no self-respecting peadophile would operate in that fashion, it's not a fear that makes sense.
PristineKoala3035@reddit
Self respecting paedophile? Paedos often have poor impulse control which is why they have such a high recidivism rate, on average offenders have lower IQs than the general population and struggle with executive function.
Tay74@reddit
It was an intentionally oxymoronic statement, did expect to need to clarify that I don't find peados very respectable :p
PristineKoala3035@reddit
Don’t see how that tracks with the rest of what you typed but ok
OkayTimeForTheTruth@reddit
Very true also!
Tay74@reddit
As someone who does not have the necessary equipment for the men's room, are urinals not typically too high for the average fairly young child? I don't know how high they are. Is it like with sinks where some public bathrooms have a lower down one?
_Planemad_@reddit
Yes this, there are normally one or two lower down urinals for children. Surely the same exists in the ladies too? A smaller toilet?
Tay74@reddit
Not usually no, I could count the number of times I've seen that on one hand and still have fingers down, outside of very child centric places (schools, playrooms etc.)
Internal-Dark-6438@reddit
It’s different, because they use the men’s toilet. And sadly men are more likely to sexually assault a child
hime-633@reddit
Apply the rule of swimming pool changing room thumb.
I have two sons (am female) and when they were weenies I'd bring them into women's changing room. But once they hit about eight then - yeah - time to get changed in the boys, boys.
If a place was sketchy or scuzzy then I'd probably hover outside the toilets while they were in though...
Kindly_Routine8521@reddit
Married and daughters. When we go somewhere all together, they go all together to the bathroom anyway - makeup and stuff. Age does not seem to matter :)
When alone with me I go with the smaller one but she is stilll a baby. Older one - I think I let her go from 5 or 6, when she was able to take care of herself and I felt it is inappropriate to go to men’s (never is dirty/badly arranged places). But I would be never far or wait nearby the door, for instance if there was only one toilet per gender.
thatscotbird@reddit
Until 13? Imagine telling your pals at high school that your parents still go to the toilet with you 😂😭 it’s like some people want their children to be picked on
Pizzagoessplat@reddit
At that age, we were smoking cigarettes behind the bike sheds and getting drunk back in the nighties. Times have changed lol😆
PristineKoala3035@reddit
There are still neglected kids doing that
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
I just imagine with this mindset you stay with a friend (if that is even allowed these days) and go our for a meal. Imagine going to the loo and because you are 12 your friends parents want to follow you in....
It all just seems silly.
blueytangled@reddit
If my kid's friend's parents insisted on going into the bathroom with them. I would have a problem
Slapspicker@reddit
As you're a lot more likely to be abused by them than a stranger encouraging your children to go to the toilet alone is far safer!
Elegant_Plantain1733@reddit
When I read the title I thought yoi were going to tell me you had a 4yo. 10 is ridiculous.
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
The fact I am getting silent treatment for being a bad parent to a hypothetical child in a hypothetical pub who has been hypothetically abused is not how I saw today going tbh
C2H5OHNightSwimming@reddit
This is nuts. Does she realise that in a year that child will be 11 and probably taking the bus to secondary school by themselves?
Aged 10 we used to be basically left to our own devices, wander around the high street or the park or wherever. And the following year getting up in the dark to get public transport 5 miles for school. I think your gf can't remember childhood :")
RimDogs@reddit
My Sister in law wouldn't allow that. The bus picked up over the road from their loving room window and dropped off outside of the school, same on the way home and it was a 15 minute drive. As a kid I used to walk from the same estate and getting driven to or from school would have been embarrassing or resulted in bullying.
My niece and nephew weren't trusted to go out on their own. They got a little bit of freedom later but even the uni they were "allowed" to go to was restricted. SiL wasn't happy that it was 1.5 hours drive away. Even as fully fledged adults she is always causing drama because they have cut the apron strings.
C2H5OHNightSwimming@reddit
Jesus Christ lol, sounds like this lady needs some therapy to deal with her issues 🤣
Yeah now that I think about it, NO ONE in secondary school got dropped off. Tbf a lot of us had folks that didn't own a car but still. Even the kid with the weird elderly parents who were basically stuck in the 1950s didn't have a problem letting her get the bus, it was just what was done.
Not that the 90s were necessarily anything to aspire to, I probably shouldn't have been getting pissed in clubs at 1am aged 16 lol. But I'm sure there's got to be some kind of happy medium...
RimDogs@reddit
I think it was Russell Grant in the 90s.
You are right that she needs help. However I don't think the 90s were that bad. We don't want the things we hear about sexual assaults and peados from that era or earlier but the mollycoddling kids that we have now has gone a bit far. There are way too many who need to find out actions have consequences. The main reason I could never be a teacher.
C2H5OHNightSwimming@reddit
LOL :") I forgot about him!
Yeah it's gotten to the point it's crazy. The saddest thing is that children are massively more likely to be predated on by someone they know than some shady fucker in a dark alley. I know at least 3 guys who were assaulted as children back then - by a gym teacher, a scout leader and a priest respectively. We'd be better off trying to really have honest conversations with children about the risks of this sort of thing and boundaries than not letting them get the fecking bus. But the 24 hour news cycle makes everyone think there's paedophiles lurking on every street corner. Even though they're actually usually much closer to home and harder to spot :(
RimDogs@reddit
You are right. It's the same with violence against women in that is usually someone they are close to.
C2H5OHNightSwimming@reddit
Also yup. Been that woman. It sucked!
theivoryserf@reddit
They'll probably get dropped off and monitored.
Dependent_Phone_8941@reddit
Do these friends have a 10 year old? What age kids do these people have who have made the claim?
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
My gf, who has no kids, made the claim.
The ages vary from 4 to 10 for the kids. Seems a big nothing burger.
WoodenPresence1917@reddit
It's absolutely bananas mate. What's going to happen with yous watching them go over to the toilets in the same building, somebody's going to whisk the kid away out the window of the jacks?
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
I am currently deciding to ask when a child should be allowed to get a bus alone. Can't wait to find out its 17 with a chaperone, pepper spray and a parent on a call with them at all times.
Also makes me wonder how many peadophiles I walk past daily and can't spot her tiktok trained mind can
blueytangled@reddit
Sadly you walk past many paedophiles every day. They are not hanging out in toilets waiting to pounce on a stranger's kid. Kids are abused by people they know usually ones that are trusted by the parents.
WoodenPresence1917@reddit
It's gotta be horrible for kids too, nothing worse than the feeling of limbo when you're almost an adult in form but people treat you like an absolute numpty who can't do the simplest tasks without supervision.
I'd not be about to send 10 year olds to work, but they should definitely be learning to be independent already, not getting bloody helicoptered.
NecktieNomad@reddit
My sister is a helicopter parent. She’s always been over anxious about her kids getting ‘snatched’. I joke by saying chance would be a fine thing, they’re near enough permanently velcroed to you.
My nephew is 7 and tells me apropos of nothing that he mustn’t let me see his private areas because they’re private. It’s like he’s been coached to parrot stuff like this. Great teaching to have, but please, don’t tell me this nearly every time I see you - I’d hate to think he’s been primed to expect that everyone might be a predatory deviant. Let’s talk Lego or something 7 year old appropriate.
ReanimatedCyborgMk-I@reddit
IMO, it depends on the kid, where you live etc. I was getting the bus alone after the age of 11, and distinctly remember going to see Death Hallows part 2 solo at the age of 13 which was a big milestone for me (a relatively sheltered kid) at the time
Generally parents need to prep their kids on how to deal with people, strangers, how to avoid trouble etc.
NecktieNomad@reddit
There’s a family of little shitrags living near me whose main hobby seems to be antisocial behaviour. They’ll shout ‘paedo!’ at any adult who looks in their direction. Joggers, walking couples, old ladies walking their dogs. I reported them to police for breaking into a neighbours home and mentioned the name calling (police are very aware of the kids and family) and the officer said: ‘That seems to be their favourite word at the moment’. So, OP, turns out any and all adults can be paedos if you shout it loud enough!
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
There are definitely parents like that. My niece is 20 and her mum tracks her location everywhere. Even called her at 2am once because the location looked like a weird place to be. So glad these things weren't around when I was young.
sayleanenlarge@reddit
We used to go to London on the train from 13 back in the 90s. It was about an hour away. It was great fun exploring, and we were actually very well behaved there and didn't even think to get up to real shenanigans.
Most_Moose_2637@reddit
Probably get lamped by some builder thinking you're spying on some kids in the bogs.
blueytangled@reddit
No you're not in the wrong she definitely is. Telling parents that they are doing a bad job is a big no. Accusing them of leaving their kid vulnerable to paedophiles is very wrong.
Bisjoux@reddit
What happens when the 10 yr old gets to 11 and goes to secondary school. If they aren’t doing it already there’s a really big push for independence at that age.
Mine at that age was getting two trains to the local town to meet up with their friends. Somehow despite having a clearly delinquent parent they’ve made it to adulthood unscathed.
Splodge89@reddit
She needs to spend less time on social media/reading red top newspapers.
Rustrage@reddit
Red top newspapers, never heard that but that’s a great term! Shitrags is my go-to but that can apply to all papers
sayleanenlarge@reddit
red top is another name for tabloid - I haven't heard it for years now, but used to be a common thing to call them.
AromaticZebra2727@reddit
I doubt most of them like being called "red" anything. Red is for commies!
sayleanenlarge@reddit
Isn't it Americans who cared about shit like that?
Splodge89@reddit
Yeah, they’re al shit rags. But the red tops seem to be the best at enraging idiot masses into beliefs that a slight level of intelligence would counteract easily.
Round_Caregiver2380@reddit
Time for an upgrade mate.
Tradtrade@reddit
Your gf has a few red flags and I’ve read like 3 sentences about her
Stones-Small@reddit
She has no clue, as she has no kids.
10 years of taking her own kids to the loo would have ground this silly attitude out of her some time ago.
Moodster83@reddit
By the 8 millionth time of taking your kids to the toilet, the moment they can use it and wash hands correctly afterwards is the age when you send them on their own.
Maus_Sveti@reddit
Silent treatment is ridiculous, but she’s probably projecting her own fears. I’m an adult woman and I admit, I still feel afraid using the more dingy/isolated types of public toilets in parks and stuff. A combination of legitimate safety concerns and decades of sensational but statistically rare crime reporting.
Bufger@reddit
Definitely have more hypothetical discussions to figure out what type of parent she would be and whether it would be 50:50 on decision making. Misaligned parenting styles is a recipe for divorce, if you can figure out compatability before hand you'll save yourself alot of heartache, money and no kids will be birthed into a broken home. Good luck!
Frodo34x@reddit
It feels trite to be like "well, somebody with no kids wouldn't know" but by the time you've raised a child to 10 you likely would've changed opinion on that front.
Like, there's an old joke about how with your first baby you're incredibly protective and cautious about letting them out of your hands and by the second child you'll toss them across the room to a distant relative to get some space? How you can tell first time parents just by their attitude? That sort of effect. I think very few parents would keep the attitude she's suggested by the age of 10, and those who would would be the ones whose anxieties and helicopter parenting was actively harmful
Mavisssss@reddit
I research sexual violence for a living and I am overly aware of all the risks and incredibly horrible things that happen. And I still think it's fine for a kid to use the toilets, unless they're very little or the place looks or feels dodgy or scary enough that they might feel uncomfortable alone.
Mavisssss@reddit
The one time I was about 13 and saw a man in the ladies' it was an incredibly mortified tourist who had gone in there by mistake and apologised profusely.
KeithBowser@reddit
Sorry mate, I bought you a hypothetical beer to cheer you up
theModge@reddit
I'm trying to teach my four year old to go on her own, if only because she's too old to go in the gents. Still not at 100% success rate, it largely depends how far she has to go from the entrance of the ladies to the cubicles
trtrtr82@reddit
I think 4 is a bit young but yes I'm a dad with a 7 year daughter who complains about going to the gents. I know she's be fine in the ladies but the issue I have as a dad is that if I send her to ladies on her own and she doesn't come out I can't go in and see what's going on so would have to rely on someone else coming or going or asking a staff member. 7 is getting too old so we'll start sending her to ladies over the summer.
blueytangled@reddit
You absolutely can go into the ladies as a dad to check on your kid. Nobody's got anything on show, there are full height cubicles. Just knock on, open the door slightly & shout her name. You'll be able to see from the door if there's any women in there. Just say I'm checking to see if my daughters okay. Women will be absolutely fine with that I promise you.
Laescha@reddit
Most women would be pretty understanding if you said your daughter has been in there a while and asked them to check on her, and you could also stick your head round the door and call out to her - nobody's going to get upset about that when they can see there's a good reason.
I was probably 6 or 7 when my dad started sending me into the ladies on my own, he'd wait just outside. I can't speak to how anxious he may have been, but nothing ever happened.
DameKumquat@reddit
If she needs to go with an adult and you're male, then she keeps going with you in the gents.
Active-Pen-412@reddit
My boy started going on his own around 5. He just decided he couldnt come in the ladies with me because he's a boy. Whenever she's ready.
theModge@reddit
Yeah, I'm not forcing it, I imagine a lot will change when she starts school in semptember
Gingy2210@reddit
Use the disabled/accessible toilets. You can buy a radar key off Amazon. Then she's toileted safely. She is not on her own then.
anyraymmnkings@reddit
yes, if we don’t let them do stuff like this at that age, when do they actually get any independence?
Suitable_Tea88@reddit
I personally think that people are more twisted nowadays than they used to be in the last. I know everyone says “we’re just as bad now and we’ve been in the past”, but having read a few books about social realities, health, mental health of today vs the past, it’s become clear that today we’re more messed up in our heads than any previous generation.
I would watch my child at all times. We live in a generation of heightened mental illness.
Mavisssss@reddit
Clinically defined narcissism and sociopathy are Cluster B personality disorders and not technically mental illnesses. I don't agree with your comment at all. The crime rates are far lower in most Anglosphere Western countries and started falling in the 90s. In addition, there's far more awareness about sexual abuse, which means that people are probably a bit less likely to get away with it, especially in public, because bystanders will recognise signs and will be more likely to protect children if they notice something is off or an interaction between and adult and a child looks suspect. Children themselves are taught to speak up if they feel uncomfortable and taught that they have bodily autonomy and don't even need to allow hugs if they don't want them.
Suitable_Tea88@reddit
They’re not “personality disorders”, they’re “mental disorders” if you want to call them that way. Reference: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/
I used to think we live in safer times because this is the general narrative. I’ve reached through reading about seemingly unrelated health studies, that actually we’re more mentally disturbed now than before. I could go on but I will leave it here, my humble opinion.
Mavisssss@reddit
That website says they are 'mental health conditions'. I think you have cherry-picked studies and should consider reading a lot more widely on the topic. A few books on the topic and then throwing in terms that you think sound scientific like natural selection and then making an argument that really doesn't have much evidence and where all the points don't follow each other logically doesn't work very well.
Mavisssss@reddit
Actually, I'm sorry. I looked at your comment history and you seem like a nice person. I'm usually a nice person too, except I'm grumpy today because I'm moving house.
Mavisssss@reddit
Peer-reviewed journal articles from both psychology and criminology combined with up-to-date crime statistics would be the best sources for the arguments you are making, I think. Not that I think everything on reddit needs citations. But some of the assumptions you're making seem rooted in evolutionary psychology/sociobiology without you explicitly stating that, and while I think they're good in some areas like explaining evolution, they're very poor at explaining crime and not always respected in the broader psychology field.
Mavisssss@reddit
Not to mention that mentally ill people are more likely to be victims than offenders. Lots of people who want to harm children do it not because they are mentally ill, but for whatever their own motivations are (controlling others, hurting someone less powerful, opportunism, sexually deviant attractions that they have decided to act on instead of seeking help).
dmmeyourfloof@reddit
13???
That's insane. If I had been in second or third year of secondary school and still getting taken to the public toilet by my dad I'd have been mortified.
captaincinders@reddit
If they are old enough to go to the toilet without peeing on their shoes, that is old enough.
InnerFaithlessness93@reddit
I let my kids go to the shop round the corner before 10, and would do the same again if i had more. The world only appears more dangerous than it was 100 years ago because there are mobile phones to let your friends and family know immediately of any perceived danger, social media to tell everyone about it when it has or could happen, and these days everyone knows paedophilia of any type is disgusting...whereas years ago it was swept under the carpet to not embarrass the family. Teach your kids what to do in an emergency is the way forward, and paedophiles aren't going to wait till a 10 year old has gone to the bathroom unaccompanied.
christianjwaite@reddit
IMO 8 is when you can tell them to go if it’s within sight, if it’s packed and around a corner I’d just go myself as well, but not babying them. Kids are stupid and get lost easily.
10 by themselves in a familiar place for sure.
12 whatevs man, you know where we are.
JackStrawWitchita@reddit
My parents put me on long distance buses and trains, for 3-hour journeys, often involving transfers, at age 11. Never a problem.
I feel bad for kids who are raised in over-protective environments. They will be severely disadvantaged later in life.
OkayTimeForTheTruth@reddit
Same here. In fact I can't really think of anything I wasn't allowed to do on my own at 11...
(Except drink and drive etc but you know what I mean!)
lazlowoodbine@reddit
Psst... you aren't really supposed to drink and drive as an adult either. 😁
hammer_of_science@reddit
It was more of a guideline for my parents when I was growing up (I’m quite old).
blueytangled@reddit
In the 70s my parents would have loved it if I could have driven them home from the pub.
Adept-Panic-7742@reddit
I think under 14yo you're allowed to drink and drive so long as you're doing it with a meal
OkayTimeForTheTruth@reddit
Hehehe 😂
astromech_dj@reddit
I was babysitting my sister at 11.
DreamtISawJoeHill@reddit
Yes best to do the drinking and driving separately until your at least 13 I think
SparkySpastic@reddit
Disadvantaged how?! 😂😂😂 as long as you’re not overbearing you can be be over protective and STILL raise well-rounded kids
JackStrawWitchita@reddit
Over-protective parenting denies children the chance to face challenges, build resilience, and develop confidence. As adults, kids who were over-protected often struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, poor decision-making, and an excessive fear of failure. Shielded from risk, they miss vital emotional growth needed for independence and stability.
SparkySpastic@reddit
I respectfully disagree.
thenewfirm@reddit
https://www.anxietycentre.com/articles/overprotective-parenting-and-anxiety/
This article cites its references.
julienorthlancs@reddit
I was sheltered lol, I hadnt gone anywhere on my own till 13 and my first alone train trip was 15
Owl-Totoro@reddit
at age 11 i was doing a 1.5 hour commute to school and back every day on the train and bus without a phone. nothing ever happened. i genuinely feel rly bad for ppl with overprotective parents cos the kids never have a chance to experience the real world for themselves until they move out
Mr_Bumcrest@reddit
Mine son is 7 and whilst I take him to the toilet, I don't go in with him. This is more to do with his autism and him getting distracted and lost than pedo panic though.
TheCatWithATiara@reddit
I always let my child go to the loo alone when he was 6/7. He always went into a cubicle (still does now at 11). I used to send him into the pub (with a restaurant) on his own and stand outside the main doors of the building. I've always found that staff don't stop or refuse a child the toilet, especially on their own.
He's autistic too, but would be in and out quicker than if I went in with him
fvalconbridge@reddit
This. Mines 8 with autism and she's not ready yet.
Eyfura@reddit
Yep my autistic boy I still waited outside until very recently and he's 14. This was also cause he preferred it and it made him less anxious. In with him though not since about 7-8.
Ok-Pumpkin400@reddit
This is one of the reasons i'm grateful to be a girl mom. It is socially normal for women to go to the restroom at the same time so i could go with her ...forever. It would be different if i had a son, I don't see many moms going to the bathroom with their 20 yo son. But moms and daughters can
Tay74@reddit
At 10 they are a year or two out from going to high school (at least where I live)... also what supposedly happens between 10 and 13 that makes kids suddenly safe in a way they weren't at 10? A 10 year old is exactly as capable of recognising, trying to leave, and later reporting on a peadophile in the bathroom as a 13 year old
As for the age, it probably depends on the individual child a fair amount, but no later than 8 years old for most kids I wouldn't think
The sexual abuse of kids is a real problem. It doesn't happen in random pub toilets to 10 year olds
blueytangled@reddit
I think as soon as the kid feels ready they should be allowed. Providing you've had all the conversations with them. I'd always sit in view of the bathroom door. That way you can be fairly sure if someone has been in there a weirdly long time or someone gets up and follows. Then a male friend would innocently go to use the bathroom at the same time. It's a bit like when you let them walk to school for the first times. You might follow from a distance or have other parents know to keep a discrete eye. Kids need to feel independent even if it's an illusion. They certainly shouldn't be made to feel scared of doing something they're going to have to do alone at some point. Ten is a good age. The unwritten rule of parenting is don't tell other parents what to do. So the friend of criticizing the other parents was definitely in the wrong. Paedophiles aren't hanging around in public places where they might easily be caught either. Women are just as capable of saying dodgy things to children. Men's bathrooms are not inherently dangerous. However the friend who said it might well have had a horrible experience. So possibly you were insensitive but I don't think you were wrong.
Emotional-Brief3666@reddit
10 is about right, depending on where you are obviously
Ok-Sherbet-3519@reddit
By that reckoning a teacher might be a peado, so home schooling only... Aunti in law might be a peado... there might be a peado renting out pedalos. Who is 'she'? A mate or a random? She's an idiot either way... 13??!!!
_cprizzle@reddit
My son uses toilets on his own now and he is 8, he won’t come into the women’s with me any more. I always wait outside the main door for him and he knows not to speak to anyone inside.
GinBitch@reddit
Shes 7. If I can see the door she can leave the table and go alone. If I'm unsure or can't see well I will go with her and just hang around at a distance.
This is helping build confidence and she's a trustworthy girl.
I know its not her I have to worry about but I also don't want to scare her out of life.
frankiefrank1230@reddit
10 is fine.
DesmondCartes@reddit
This is mental. I was using toilets by myself when I was seven. What the hell do people think happens every day!? 😂 You may see it on the news a lot but there isn't a pervert in every bathroom 😂
Nice_Ant_2895@reddit
It depends on the kid and the environment but honestly the risk of being assaulted in the toilet is tiny, you are much more at risk from those closest to the family. The myth of a bloke in a long rain coat just hides the fact that it’s more likely to be a family friend, teacher, priest etc
Bennjoon@reddit
10 makes me a bit nervous tbh I can see her point, grown men and women have been murdered in bathrooms. I feel like a restaurant bathroom is far safer than say a public park or petrol station toilet though. Id say it’s okay to watch the door from across the room in a pub or restaurant. If it was the same gender kid as me I’d pretend to need it too and go with them.
Odd_Bus618@reddit
And yet these parents probably gave their kids mobile phones and tablets from an early age as square nannies to keep the little uns quiet. And therefore literally opening the door to predators online to their kids with zero supervision.
Fearing the real world whilst bathing kids in a virtual world is what feeds the increase in anxiety disorders and mental health issues in children and teenagers.
PinkBlossomDayDream@reddit
Yeah I forgot to add this as well. Just be consistent, Theres no point following your 13 year old to the toilet and then giving them access to talk to strangers and access who knows what 10 minutes later
Far_Carpet4067@reddit
Never alone! Best to be cautious - 100% you will come across a man waiting for an accompanied child if you chaperone, especially a girl. I would agree with her, got nothing to do with social media. You can never regret being cautious but you will always regret giving the opportunity if something happens, not worth it!
SystemLordMoot@reddit
My eldest is 10 and I let him go off to the bathroom on his own.
I keep the route in view to make sure he gets there and back ok.
PinkBlossomDayDream@reddit
There is no "one size fits all" answer for this. Some children are more vulnerable than others, and some parents are more anxious than needed. There are so many factors that come into this. Each parent should follow there own intuition. So long as you are educating your children and not just mollycoddling.
I think 13 is reasonable and your response that she "needs to use less social media" was uncalled for. Unless it is your child too, that's not your place to say. She's just trying to protect her child in a way she sees fit - ( I do understand the conversation was probably more nuanced than that, but just based on what you said here).
SnooDonuts6494@reddit
Park, 12.
Pub, 18.
Haxtral@reddit
I think i was going alone from around the age of 7-8 in all honesty. Granted i would always go with my sister (in most cases), but as long as its not in some seedy park i don’t see the issue.
I am also female though, so i imagine for boys it may be a bit of a different situation
Fit-Gap4065@reddit
I was kidnapped, strangled to near death and raped in a hotel bathroom by a peadophile when my parents let me use the bathroom alone at aged 8.
No_Engineering_924@reddit
2
willcodejavaforfood@reddit
42
driven_user@reddit
This is why younger generations are so unable to cope in normal environments. I was walking a mile to and from school at age 10 (admittedly a sleepy town in suffolk) but was totally fine
Icy_Obligation4293@reddit
I had a teen about 14 come into my cafe once in tears because he lost his phone It occurred to me that it was probably the first time he was ever "lost". At 14. Unable to cope is an understatement.
Mavisssss@reddit
Haha, I was the person who worked in the cafe when I was 14.
Abquine@reddit
I took two buses across a busy town so not so much the setting more just common sense.
cgknight1@reddit
Old enough to go to corner shop for 20 rothmans, old enough to toilet on their own.
Maybe eight?
4321zxcvb@reddit
Ha ha , reminds me ‘20 silk cut and a box of matches for auntie Linda ‘ easily as young as 5
keithmk@reddit
back in the day it was a pack of 5 woodbines and a book of matches for ninepence ha'penny
Mavisssss@reddit
you're forgetting all the sweets you would have asked for if you knew there'd be any change.
Urbanyeti0@reddit
When they’re old enough to go by themselves?
Unless there’s a specific reason to be concerned mollycoddling kids will only cause more issues for them
Spare-Egg24@reddit
This is it. When they want to go by themselves (and they are capable of doing so) then they can. If it's somewhere big and busy and the toilets are far away then I wouldn't let my daughter go without me - but otherwise no issue
rositree@reddit
Also, if the parent wants to go in with them, what do they do about mixed gendered bathrooms?
It doesn't seem right to ask a 10 year old boy to use the ladies loo, nor to have his mum go to the men's with him... So, teach them stranger danger and let them get on with it.
thenewfirm@reddit
At 6 my boy didn't want to go in the ladies anymore and I let him go in the mens on his own while I waited outside. Kids need independence it helps them grow and become confident.
Thursday_Murder_Club@reddit
Dead right. The woman in the post seems to be the kind of paranoid (and slightly sexist if the man comment is to be believed) lunatic id hate to be around and gir help you being her son
Urbanyeti0@reddit
Exactly, or what about when they’re out with another family member or friends is the overbearing parent going to demand that other adult accompany the kid? Or will said overbearing parent just accompany the kid on all outings until they’re an adult in case they might need to pee in public?
Bakerrhi@reddit
Tw- is that something you do on this subreddit?
I don’t think there’s an instance I wouldn’t walk into a public bathroom with my kids, I do have a reason, not that you need a reason to keep your kids safe.
I’ve only got girls, they’re 7, but I think I will always go into public bathrooms with them, obviously not into the cubicle, but stood in the bathroom looking like I’m fixing my hair or something. Unfortunately someone very close to us turned out to be a pedophile, doing the worst imaginable things to his daughter and attempted to get my girls round for sleepovers. “You really never know the intentions of someone” gets said a lot, but for some of us we’ve had a really unfortunate encounter that we can’t get past. Your kids are your babies, no matter their age, you’ve got to try and keep them safe. It could just be girl code, I might have thought differently if I had a boy, but even now when me and my mum go out for dinner together, we both go to the bathrooms at the same time, we always have
Bakerrhi@reddit
I’ve read some of the other answers and think I’m swayed a bit, who knows if I’ll get over the trauma of it
ToothessGibbon@reddit
18
lucky1pierre@reddit
As a dad who would take his daughter out, she was using the toilet on her own from about 8-9.
lunayarena@reddit
In my opinion, the age limit for such things is around 5-6 years or so. If using the men's changing room would be undesirable still, I'd take the kid to the loo to change or look for some private space of sorts but I would not take a 7 yo boy to a women's changing room for god's sake, nor would I want a 7 yo boy looking at me while I change. 7 year-olds know about the birds and the bees already, you know.
No-Guest991@reddit
Youngling is 9 now, she has been going by herself for the past year or so. Generally either keep an eye on the door or wait outside if its at the park/outside. She knows to Scream or use sing if need be. (Side, instep, nose, groin. Thank you miss congeniality) Got to give her the tools she can work with not just stay round her like a big safety blanket.
Richiedoodoos@reddit
Youngest I'd say 10 for a boy and 12 for a girl
springsomnia@reddit
If I had my mum escort me to the toilet at 13, I’d be so embarrassed! When they’re old enough to go to the toilet by themselves they should be old enough to walk to it by themselves. As someone who worked with young children, I noticed that the children who were bundled up in cotton wool were the least independent. Mollycoddling a child and babying them at an age when they really don’t need to be babied only harms their development in the long run.
Monkeyboogaloo@reddit
My daughter, 9, would go on her own in many places we go. She has done for a couple of years.
There's been a few places where I wasn't comfortable with her doing it.
She does it in the cinema as well.
Choice_Knowledge_356@reddit
I let my son go to the loo alone sometimes when he was 10-11. Normally as I couldn't leave his little brother.
I made sure I could see the walk from our table to the loo and back and always discretely checked it was just a wee so I knew roughly how long it should take before I'd need to go and find him.
frankbowles1962@reddit
Unfortunately just part of the ongoing infantilisation of children and teenagers, where removing their independence seems to have been increasing for the last 50 years. In the 70s we just went “out to play”, bid farewell to our parents and turned up hungry for tea. Kids need to learn to deal with situations on their own, street wisdom is a real life skill.
North_Still_2234@reddit
When my son was 8 he asked to use a public toilet alone (it was in a department store). I told him to call if he needed me. I spent an anxious few minutes hovering outside - if I had heard the slightest sound then I would have been in there in a moment!
AssociationSubject61@reddit
I had my 3 kids @ swimming last night, oldest 2 for lessons. The signage in there says kids over 8 should use the correct toilet for their gender. So 3 boys, if the wife takes them she couldn’t even if she wanted to. Fast forward 20 minutes, am sitting watching the older 2 when my 5 yr old asks to go to the toilet, I get up to go take him & he goes no daddy, it’s over there I can go myself.
TNTiger_@reddit
The age they stop asking me to accompany them.
Dry_Action1734@reddit
What special powers do they gain on their 13th birthday?
Healthy-Grocery6055@reddit
Restaurants are fine, my daughter is 7 and goes to the loo alone and has done since she was 6. Wees only though, if she needs an emergency poo, I'll go with her, her wiping skills aren't yet up to scratch.
Some other places I wouldn't let her go alone yet though. Not because of paedos, more because she's a procrastinator (like me).
Mozz48@reddit
Ah, yes. Because famously paedophiles lose interest the minute a child turns thirteen.
cheandbis@reddit
The actual definition of paedophilia is "attraction to a prepubescent child" so strictly speaking, 13 is probably around the age where this is true.
Mozz48@reddit
Dictionary definitions are often outdated by common usage. If I heard of somebody preying on a 14, 15 or 16 year old, I would still call them a paedophile, whatever the actual definition is.
TimeToNukeTheWhales@reddit
It's legal for 16 year olds to have sex with anyone, so unless you think paedophilia is legal in this country, you might want to reevaluate calling that paedophilia.
Mozz48@reddit
I did say “preying on” in my message, and I stand by using the term in those circumstances. But you do you.
gnu_andii@reddit
Pretty sure the police would be involved if it was an older person preying on anyone under 18, and abuse is abuse at any age.
The only difference with teens is they can consent to doing stuff with someone their own age (though really shouldn't until 16)
cheandbis@reddit
I get that, that's why I said 'strictly speaking'. Common usage is less strict.
SafetyMatty@reddit
Never !!
Healthy-Releas@reddit
When they are 18.
Smeeble09@reddit
My 7yo sometimes goes in along but I let it be her choice.
I go with her to the toilet entrance, then wait outside for her.
10 is fine so long as you have constant line of sight to the toilets.
OkAdhesiveness2240@reddit
Since I grew up in the 70’s I’d say - never
foolsgold1@reddit
From the age the child is able to do the business alone...
Hyperbolic_Mess@reddit
They're more likely to get diddled by the adult supervising than a random pedo hiding in the loos
Chadwulf29@reddit
By age 5 I was going on my own.
SwordTaster@reddit
Honestly, any older than 8 feels weird to me. I know thats when my mum allowed it.
darybrain@reddit
All the mums at school pickup think that this is ridiculous. 13 is far too old. Even 10 is too old. All I'm doing is chatting to a friend who was waiting for her primary school kid so I asked this thinking it was the best audience and now you've caused a heated debate on how pathetically soft the entire world is. Still is was nice to walk away while they're all going crazy. The consensus is that if you can see the toilets, are willing to go and check if you think they are taking too long, will make sure they have washed up then it is fine to send the child by themselves. The age is dependent upon how well behaved they are generally so if they're a little bastard then the parent tagging along no matter what otherwise it is good for the kid to take some responsibility knowing full well that the parent is somewhere nearby if need by. Some of these mums already do it at 6-7yo while others waited until 8yo. All of the mums with kids older than that can't understand and said they don't have the time or have other kids to look after.
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
I find the fear of toilets so baffling, honestly.
Splodge89@reddit
Because peodphiles hang out in them, obviously. That and trans women also hang out in them to sexually assault cis women. Toilets are extremely unsafe places (according to social media)
Abquine@reddit
Yeh, I can never get my head round that one. I mean why would a trans woman who want to be and emulate a woman go into a toilet to sexually assault a woman? Mind you it fits hand in glove with the idea, already in existence, that toilets are dens of sexual iniquity rather than conveniences 🤷🏻♀️
Splodge89@reddit
It blows my mind, it really does. I totally understand the need to protect women’s only spaces. I totally fail to understand the notion that men will transition to become a woman purely to access these spaces - as though it’s something you just decide to do on a random Tuesday. If a man really wanted to go into a women’s toilet, they can just walk in, they don’t need to spend several years going through hell in order to do this.
Icy-Revolution6105@reddit
Also... trans men exist?... those same predators could say they are trans men? Make it make sense!
gnu_andii@reddit
Yeah, it seems they don't want to admit that last part. A female toilet or changing room is not a magic safe space that stops masculine looking people from entering.
Most have probably shared a bathroom with a trans woman and not even realised.
Splodge89@reddit
Exactly. And how exactly are venues supposed to even police such a thing? Have bouncers on the doors requesting birth certificates or inspecting genitalia? There’s some very masculine looking cis women and very feminine looking cis men out there, how exactly would a venue navigate that without upsetting someone?
It’s bonkers
Abquine@reddit
indeed and I think what's worse is that they are being pushed into using male toilets where they will likely be in far more danger pf assault themselves.
Splodge89@reddit
Exactly. And there’s rumblings that trans men also may be forced to use the toilets according to their birth gender - which is even more insane. One of my close friends is a trans man, and you literally would never guess. He’s big, burly, gruff with a bald head and massive beard, proper biker type. And yet they seriously think he should HAVE to use the women’s loos… I’m sure that’ll never cause him or others any issues.
anxiousgeek@reddit
Depends where. Local cafe, anytime after they're potty trained. Large place, not until they're much older.
Terrible_Biscotti_14@reddit
My 8 year old doesn’t want to come into the ladies with me anymore so I usually end up loitering outside the men’s toilets like a weirdo.
nameless-rootless@reddit
When they can wipe their ass unsupervised. In my daughter's case, 5.
LopsidedTank57@reddit
It's a genuine enough concern but logically, what are the odds some pedo is lying in wait in a random village pub toilet for a 10 year old?
purpleplums901@reddit
Fucking hell. The world’s gone mad.
NotTravisKelce@reddit
5 or so most likely.
JHRFDIY@reddit
Jesus. If it’s somewhere I know and I can see him I’ll let my 6 year old go.
Panimu@reddit
Park and a pub are both very different
HighRiseCat@reddit
Teach them what to do if they're approached. A 13 year old can be assaulted too, but they have to learn how to deal with potential difficult situations.
chrisrazor@reddit
As soon as they're old enough to handle a sidearm ;)
Pizzagoessplat@reddit
I couldn't imagine being in high school and not allowing a child to go to the toilet alone.
Could you imagine the teachers face when the child asks for them to take them to the toilet?
Honestly, I'd trust a five year old to go alone.
Thirteen is just ridiculous
RockasaurusFlex@reddit
She sounds disturbed.
TimeToNukeTheWhales@reddit
Oh-wacka-wacka!
RockasaurusFlex@reddit
Ohhh, are you ok? You sound like you may be down with the sickness.
renter_evicted@reddit
13 is insane. I had my own key at about 8
I'd say 8 was reasonable, if you're watching the entrance
NorthernSoul1977@reddit
This whole sub is full of insanely paranoid people.
Honey-Badger@reddit
????????? Pretty much are all the comments are saying its fine for a 10 year old to use the bathroom alone....
NorthernSoul1977@reddit
Sub, not thread, although this one does have it's fair share...
Wildwife@reddit
You think this is bad? You should check out the parenting subs. Those people are batshit crazy. Not sure how any children are going to be able to function later in life.
sm9t8@reddit
The people who aren't paranoid are outside having fun.
Ok_Weird_500@reddit
Well, some of us are at work.
Brave_Pain1994@reddit
Unless its Pizza Express in Woking, your friend is totally overreacting.
Some real mollycoddling parents out there.
jimb0j0nes2000@reddit
Overreacting? Yes. Sweating about it? Definitely not.
Beautiful-Ticket1710@reddit
J
DearManager4257@reddit
Never, only lazy parents would send their children to a public toilet alone.
CrazyBlock@reddit
My parents were really overprotective growing up, couldn’t ’play out’ anywhere except the front garden and my older brother walked me to school every morning. Never learnt how to memorise routes and now get laughed at by my parents for needing a sat nav whenever I drive somewhere or just not remembering simple routes to walk. Never had to learn as a kid so I really struggle now in a way that’s extremely noticeable and inconvenient
Beautiful_Case5160@reddit
My daughter is 10 and ive been letting her go to the toilet alone for the last couple of years.
Only issue i have is she keeps coming back /s
Farty_McPartypants@reddit
Mines 10 in August and he’s just started going on his own. Does your friend have kids? Did the consider how a 12 year old boy would feel about their parent watching them pee? 🤔
suckmyclitcapitalist@reddit
Or girl?
Farty_McPartypants@reddit
op says 10 year old boy... but sure.
underwater-sunlight@reddit
My daughter is 6. I've stood outside an individual cubicle while she goes to the toilet. She is probably a year or 2 away from being mature/sensible enough to go into a public toilets alone if I was standing outside but I'm still going to give it a bit longer
ay2deet@reddit
This was the one thing we didn't want to happen
peacecookie1@reddit
My son is 11 and I stand outside the public toilets. Do you think they are old enough to get away from a grown man cornering them in the toilets by then? My son is not.
BubbhaJebus@reddit
I was using public toilets in restaurants and parks on my own at age 10 in the pedophile-infested 1970s and never had a problem. I'd argue it's even safer these days.
My parents probably watched as I went in and came out.
It was likely when I was 11 when I first went in a public toilet with my parents nowhere near me. No problem then either.
-Tigg-@reddit
I think it really depends on the child and the place
My daughter is nearly 10. She is aware of appropriate behaviour from other adults. I have no issues allowing her to go to the toilet alone in places I know have a lot of foot traffic through the toilet or places I know are enclosed toilet rooms not cubicles.
I am obviously aware of watching her go to the door and being aware of how long she is away and if the toilets are secluded or in an isolated situation I will go with her.
Broccoli--Enthusiast@reddit
your friend is mental, its totally dependant on the individual but 13 is wayy to old for that
i think i was going on my own all the time by about 6 or 7.
the media has cooked peoples brains. its safer than its ever been out there.
adm010@reddit
6/ 7 if nearby
Fancy-Professor-7113@reddit
Yeah, my kids are 13 and 12, they've been going to the loo on their own (but together) since stuff opened after covid. Sadly most sexual assaults on children are perpetrated by someone they know so I feel like going in a pub loo is low risk. It's hard being a mum though and trying to control every possible danger. It makes you a bit insane.
Your friend will get a shock once her kid is in secondary school. They really grow up in Y7, yes you always worry about them getting run over, getting harassed ( I have girls and I see the side eyes my leggy 13 year old gets from men old enough to be her dad) or whatever. You're worried all the time about all the things but you have to swallow it and let them be normal and learn how to make good judgements.
Objective-Row-2791@reddit
Disabled toilets are a lifehack. Let the child in and wait outside. Works well if the genders are different.
Ayyyyylmaos@reddit
10??? 10 is a more than acceptable age to use the toilet alone. Sure, maybe you stand outside, but you don’t need to go in with them
BeesFan1990@reddit
I know they meant well, but ultimately it's up to the parent and not really their business
Silver-Appointment77@reddit
My boys 11 and even I dont let him go to the toilet by himself. If Its a quiet place I wait outside. If its really busy I take him in the females toilets. Ive done it will all of my kids. I do it because my son was hit by a man in the toilets as a kid. Punched in the ribs . SO nothing about pedos involved. We never found the man who hit him, and no cameras either.
TimeToNukeTheWhales@reddit
Why wouldn't the guy just hit you, too?
dreadwitch@reddit
So they're suddenly safe from pedos the day they hit 13?
AnonThatNote@reddit
I'm curious, would they still hold their child's hand every time before crossing the street? Hold onto them at the supermarket? Do they allow their kid to go unsupervised at all? If the reasoning is just peados and predators then it would be weird to only have that concern regarding public toilets, it seems like the kind of logic you'd have to apply everywhere else they go as well.
Personally I'd be far more concerned about them stumbling across a used needle than any kind of predator. At 10 years old you need to start giving them some form of independence and responsibility, by that age I was cycling to and from school on my own. I was outside playing in the local area and going to play basketball at the park all the time, and I grew up in a fairly rough area at the time. Peados were quite literally the last thing to be worried about, but I was trusted to look after myself and to be honest I would have felt like a total outcast being the only kid who still needed a supervisor to take a piss.
You need to remember that they spend all day in school where they are trusted to go to the bathroom alone. (correct me if I'm wrong, as I havnt been to school for a couple of decades) So even if you mean well, and even though schools are essentially private toilets rather than public - it's still going to come across to the child as you taking that responsibility away from them - because at school they are given that small responsibility that they apparently don't get from their parents. If you want to keep an eye on the bathroom door from across the way then that's more than enough, there's no need to be looking over their shoulder as well.
Gullible_Wind_3777@reddit
The way the world is, before and after social media, I’d never ever let my kids walk off to the loos. Boys or girls. Me or their dad would take them and hang about outside if we didn’t need to go. It’s not hard. I see it as lazy parenting when you cba to keep ya kid safe and take them…
Glad_Version324@reddit
I would say case by case decision
PixelPoppah@reddit
My child is 5 and often will tell me to wait outside . I'll stand outside the toilet door but sometimes I'll wait outside the block, she's pretty good at doing it on her own
codeblue010@reddit
When they're old enough to have their own phone and can immediately call me if something is wrong.
Comprehensive_You42@reddit
From school age. If they can wipe & dress at school, they can do it in The Anchor.
MastarQueef@reddit
I used to walk to school with my sister when I was 10 and she was 12, then by myself when she left the following year. A mile and a half or so if I had to guess? Maybe if I was somewhere really busy, or somewhere I knew to be less than savoury I wouldn’t let my future child go alone at 10, but a pub that’s not rammed? Probably wouldn’t even think twice unless they asked me.
My parents treated me and my sister like mini adults with very limited life experience when it was appropriate to do so. We were both far better adjusted teenagers/young adults than a lot of our peers who were coddled or had massively strict parents because we were allowed to go out and try things and make mistakes knowing that we’d have our parents to fall back on if we needed them.
Obviously going for a wee in a pub isn’t going to teach much in the way of valuable life lessons but the attitude itself will (in my anecdotal experience) lead to a much less rebellious or risky teenager.
Used-Ad9589@reddit
Wait outside or "go for a pee" at the same time etc keep an eye on them without specifically keeping an eye out. Small talk helps show you are together and all is safe. Very unlikely of an issue but it only takes that one time...
CaveJohnson82@reddit
I think about 7 was when I felt ok send them in alone - I'm the mum of three boys.
Of course this assumes I'm standing right outside and like you say, it's a restaurant loo or something, not a public toilet like the one in Candyman.
Silly-Atmosphere-451@reddit
That thought never even occurred to me. I wouldn't have thought about that at all, i don't think there was ever an age where i was not allowed to go in there by myself. The world must be much more fucked up than i thought if that's an everyday kind of problem.
Mikon_Youji@reddit
I have two nieces that are 7 and 9, they've been allowed to use public bathrooms by themselves for years.
knicknack_pattywhack@reddit
At my son's swimming classes, with communal changing rooms, kids are allowed in opposite sex changing rooms with their parents until the age of 10, after that boys would be expected to go in the boys change alone if it's their mum that's brought them, and vice versa. That feels about right to me.
coupl4nd@reddit
That is ridiculous. They're fine from like 6.
Lazy_Age_9466@reddit
Plenty of people spend too long on social media. What 12 year old allows his mother to accompany hm to the toilet??
Senuman666@reddit
I’d say like 11, secondary school age, they should have the basics of common sense figured out by then
DeapVally@reddit
You're in senior school at 13. That's way too much. Kids are taking public transport to school before that. They can manage a toilet on their own.
phead@reddit
By 10 we were off playing in 3000+ acres of forest down the road.
People have got more paranoid.
More-Treat462@reddit
when i was 8 i was going out by myself for hours lmao what
Bread-But-Toasted@reddit
They should be a lot more independent at Secondary School age (11). By that point they should be able to get a bus to school by themselves if needed and they should know what to do if they are in danger or feel like there could be danger. It’s all super contextual though. Some kids mature faster than others. Some kids need their hand to be held until their teens and that’s okay too. I turned 11 in the 00s and I could do everything by myself at that point (cook, clean, go to the shops, get the bus to school or friends houses all by myself) but I had friends that couldn’t do any of that until they were at least 13
zeeber99@reddit
My daughter is almost 13 and I'll stand outside and wait for her. If she's taking too long I start to get antsy.
TrueMog@reddit
I would feel differently about a park and a pub.
My son is still only five so I can’t imagine how I’d feel at 10. Right now, I go with him to the toilet every time.
However, I’m okay if I’m only one door away from him so I can hear what’s going on (for example, I’m standing “outside” and there’s only a open corridor and individual cubicles).
Kirstemis@reddit
If the child is old enough to manage their own clothes and wipe their own arse, and sensible enough to be trusted not to go wandering around, they're old enough.
Sorry-Badger-3760@reddit
My nine year old gas anxiety and I don't trust my six year old not to tear the place up so you know. I think as long as I'm near than it's OK and it they're not back within a few minutes I can go and check.
Sure_Locksmith741@reddit
Mine is 6 and I let him go into the boys toilet alone (if I’m needing too he just comes into the ladies with me most of the time) but I’m currently waiting outside that door for him. It’ll be a while before I stay at a table and let him go fully alone. At 10 I think they’re capable of going across a room to a bathroom by themselves.
empty-thought-time@reddit
25
Immediate_Pie7714@reddit
I teach swimming to kids and our rule there is if they are under 8 they need to go with a parent attended and if 8 or over we can send them alone. That seems about right to me.
Gold-Collection2636@reddit
My son is 8 and he's recently started going alone as he's not wanting to go into the ladies and we go out without his dad a lot. I have drilled into him to not talk to anyone, use a stall, and to just go in, do his business, wash his hands, straight out
Perfect_Measurement8@reddit
Pretty much as soon as my eldest was strong enough to push open the toilet door and reach the sink/tap etc, then he was allowed to go alone if he wanted. He's 7 and happily goes alone. My 4 year old doesn't, but only because he fails those aforementioned tests. I always keep an eye nonetheless, and will check in if they are taking ages.
Independent-Code8621@reddit
Depends on the setting… I wouldn’t be happy letting my daughters (aged 7) go to the toilet alone in a strange environment (where they might need help) but if it was a “family setting” I’d probably be okay with it e.g. soft play, small family friendly restaurant.
I think social media can be scary, but nurturing kids’ independence is important.
ChallengingKumquat@reddit
Absolutely; there is no definitive answer.
In places we knew well like pub-restaurants near our house, my son went in by himself around age 7. But when we were recently on holiday in a busy environment in a country we'd never been before, and which has a very different culture, he wanted me to accompany him to the toilet and stand right outside the door, and he's 12.
Same as crossing the road: I stopped holding his hand to cross the road in England when he was 7 or 8, but when we're in a country where drivers ignore traffic lights, there are rickshaws and motorbikes everywhere, and the rules of the road are unfamiliar, he wanted to hold hands to cross the road (again at age 12).
Meanwhile-in-Paris@reddit
My 7 years old boy locked himself in a cubicle once, his first reaction was to panic. 7 is still little.
Apidium@reddit
Whenever the child is capable of navigating there and back, can wipe their own arse and wash their own hands to an acceptable level.
What age that ends up being really depends on the child. Some that will be quite young others it will be much older.
No_Presence_8522@reddit
I went on my first unsupervised shopping trip with friends to our nearest town at about 10! We were dropped off and left to roam the shops alone with our pocket money.
Escorting a kid of 10, let alone 13, to the loo is insane to me.
Geeky_Monkey@reddit
13? You have to been a teenager to go to the loo solo? WTF!
I’m 46, and by the time I was 13 I was flying and taking trains solo. I’d been walking to school (2 miles) solo for 6 years too.
At 13 I was getting in my bike at 8am, spending all day with friends and mum would expect me back around 9pm when it started getting dark!
No_Dot_7136@reddit
People are brainwashed into thinking peadophile waits around every corner.
Ceejayncl@reddit
I don’t feel comfortable using public toilets myself to be honest. Travelled to many different countries, and we absolutely leaves our public toilets in the worst state possible.
No-Relation1122@reddit
That's mad!!
My 8yr old niece will go alone providing we can see the entrance, and if we can't, for single cubicles we wait outside and for multi cubicles we'll hover by the sinks (unless it's really busy in which case, we'll wait outside).
Perverts in bathrooms aren't what people need to worry about and media is creating a paranoid people!
Then_Consequence_500@reddit
My 9 year old son has went by himself for a few years. My 7 year old daughter doesn’t go herself, purely because I’m worried she will get herself stuck in the cubicle. I do let her go by herself in toilets she’s familiar with tho.
Comes down to the child aswell. My kids are relatively responsible and mature enough to let them go by themselves.
AutisticG4m3r@reddit
Largely depends on the child and thow busy the environment is. If your child is comfortable going, locking/unlocking the cubicle and you're nearby then it should be fine. If im in a busy train station then I'd go with them and wait outside the cubicle. if in a park cafe then I let them go by themselves if they're happy to.
raisedonadiet@reddit
Thirteen? Fuck off! They should have been going to and from school on their own for several years at that point. I'm sure it depends on the child, but 8 as a ballpark.
TurbulentHamster3418@reddit
I'm not a parent but I think I'd be ok with it if I could see the toilet entrance from my seat, had a clear view of them going in and returning. If it meant going to the otherside of the restaurant out of view or to a different floor I'd go with and wait outside.
I can understand the concern tho, there's deviants everywhere these days and if anything ever happened you'd never forgive yourself.
Scienceboy7_uk@reddit
Is the risk that pedos are waiting around every corner is something exaggerated by media and especially social media?
Studies have shown there is a definite increase in reports but this is more likely due to Better awareness, Advances in detection and prosecution, Historical cases coming to light. The true increase in recent years in online rather than out in society.
I 100% understand every parent being extremely cautious about looking after their kids.
JustAUser_0123@reddit
This isn’t about helicopter parenting it’s about knowing how public space works. A 10-year-old in a toilet out of sight, with no adult backup, is vulnerable regardless of gender. It’s not about hysteria, it’s about reality: public loos aren’t neutral zones, and predators don’t need long. Your friend’s take isn’t fear-based, it’s survival-based. The truth is, women are socialised to calculate risk every day men often aren’t. That gap shows in this conversation.
theblazeuk@reddit
Lol is this your other half? She's nuts.
LaughingAtSalads@reddit
We trained our son about loo safety so by the time he was 10 we could send him in on his own but have a quick review about anything weird that might have happened. Communication is key. Had to make a couple of reports to management over the years (pub; pool changing room) but NBD.
RimDogs@reddit
What happens at 13 that means they are safe? That seems a really arbitrary number.
Tbh this seems to be over the top. Have there been any reports of peados hanging around in pub toilets waiting for kids? I'm not an expert on the topic but it would seem to be an easy place to get caught and beaten to a pulp.
If a kid is comfortable going and you trust them not to run outside I'd just keep an eye on the door and make sure they came out in a normal amount of time.
SanchXX@reddit
Yes since the age of 8. What I am having issues with is fathers take their daughter into male charging room at my local gym. They don't have family charging facilities so I always feel awkward changing around them. Especially some man just walking around naked comes out of the shower. What made the situation worse is they don't provide private changing space so the father ends up helping their daughter change on the bench .
DowntownNewJersey@reddit
I’d say 8 is the maximum age to escort them by that time it’s just ridiculous if they’re able bodied/able minded(?)
whiskeyislove@reddit
Jesus, people are so paranoid now. I was out in town with my friends at 10-11 coming back around 9 pm. We used to send our little brother to the shop for us from like 7. Until he broke his wrist.
ConnectPreference166@reddit
My mom let me go on my own once I started secondary school so 11. From about 8 she never came in with us so we had privacy but she waited outside. Can't blame her though, a lot of stories were going around in Birmingham during the 90s and 00s.
ChelseaMourning@reddit
My daughter is 11 and I allow her to go to public bathrooms on her own as long as there nearby and I have sight of the door. It’s been that way for a couple of years now. If she starts taking too long, I go in and check she’s ok. I think it’s less about potential SA for me and more about her walking in on someone perhaps doing drugs (esp in a public park). I don’t need her seeing that.
twonaq@reddit
“Men are dangerous” don’t waste your time, she’s got a chip on her shoulder and nothing you do or say will change it.
buttonrocketwendy@reddit
I dont think there's a set age, it really depends on the child, and the place.
Like there's a really nice garden centre with a cafe I take my kids to, my 6yo son goes to the toilet alone (I'll keep a line of sight to the door of the toilets).
The park near me is not so nice, i'll probably insist we go together for a good few more years with that one.
My son's pretty good at recognising somewhere that feels safer to somewhere that doesn't feel so safe, and he's pretty reliable at judging a situation, and aborting/getting me if he needs me.
DarknessIsFleeting@reddit
I don't have kids. I do very clearly remember being about 8 and going to McDonald's with a friend of mine, his mum and my own mother. Me and the other boy, who was roughly my age, went to the bathroom. My mum was fine with this. She, my friend's mum, wasn't. She opened the door and looked into the men's toilet three times.
I thought this was really weird at that age. So did my mother. They spoke about it at length afterwards. My mate's mum couldn't say out loud what she thought would happen. She was just worrying so she had to check on us.
Watsonmolly@reddit
I let my 8 year old go by herself.
ProfessorYaffle1@reddit
Yeah, that's ridiculous. The risk from a random pedo in the loos is miniscule, and a 10 year old should have baisc understanding (e.g that if someone does or says something that makes them uncomfrtable they should make alot of noise, say no, and tell their parentright away.
I'd actually find it much more creepy and concerning for an adult to insit on goingwith a child of that age, bearing in mind that an abuser is far more likely to be a family member than a random stranger (obviously different if the child asks becasue they are nervous in unfamiliar places or if they have additional needs, but assuming a normal 10 year old)
Iamleeboy@reddit
My son is 8. I started leaving him to go off to certain toilets around 7. Places like hotels or family pubs we are in, where in now he knows the way back to where we are.
I worry sometimes, but I have to get over it as they are growing up and need to do things by themselves
First_Television_600@reddit
I don’t have children but I would think as long as they keep an eye out it’s fine for him to go to the bathroom on his own. If he takes a long time you can always go check.
Ok-Elderberry-6761@reddit
My 6 year old daughter often goes into the toilet on her own she gets a choice of ladies on her own and I'll wait outside, or I'll take her in the disabled/men's, and she usually chooses the ladies. This is in quiet places with a reasonable guarantee of cleanliness and I could hear her from the door if needed, if we're in a shopping centre or services for example she'd have to come in with me or my wife.
ffjjygvb@reddit
Honestly the biggest risks of letting a kid go to a public toilet alone are probably hygiene related. All these “at what age” questions depend on the kid and the environment in question.
ElonH@reddit
At pubs/restaurants where I knew where it was. I was allowed to go on my own by 6.
But it depends on the kid, it depends on the place.
snapjokersmainframe@reddit
Younger than whatever age I was when my mother made me go into the cubicle with her whilst she peed; a memory I wish I could erase!
ReanimatedCyborgMk-I@reddit
Idk, I was going to the toilet alone in some places (pubs, kids soft play centers) at the age of 4-5, and probably generally most other places afterwards age 6 upwards.
amypalms@reddit
Totally depends on the context. I let my almost 5yo go on her own at a quiet pub or restaurant if I have direct line of sight to the loo, but not somewhere that’s likely to have lots of other people either in the loo or between where I’m sitting and where she is.
KatVanWall@reddit
Mine was about 6 when she started to go in on her own, although at that age I'd always be somewhere I could see her go in (to the bathroom itself, not necessarily the actual stall) and come out again. It varied a bit for a year or two depending on the exact context, but now at 8 she nearly always goes by herself unless I also need to go.
Bertybassett99@reddit
Its not age. Its mental maturity and the training they have rececived and proof of the ability to demonstrate.
For example my eldest daughter is much more mature and sensible then my youngest daughter at the same ages.
I have met 22 year olds that are less mature then 14 year olds.
spaceshipcommander@reddit
My daughter is 6 and she instructs me that I am not allowed in the toilets with her so I stand outside and wait. She uses the toilet alone at school so I don't need to be in the actual room.
mmdanmm@reddit
My 7 year old has walked to school since he was 6, and he's been going to public toilets (nearby) on his own since 5. Pedos aren't around every sodding corner. Even if there was a pedo there, the likelihood of them doing anything is super slim. The risk would be too high to satisfy their vice.
You are correct saying what you did. She is weirdly overprotective. Kids brought up that way have weird personalities and trouble navigating real life.
bubbybaby67@reddit
With the way this country is going now, never. That includes taxis too.
spammmmmmmmy@reddit
Age 7 or 8. Depends on the child
bubbybaby67@reddit
17-18
G01ngDutch@reddit
Wtf? I’ve been sending my kids to the loo by themselves since maybe 7? I’d watch them go in from across the room, and if they didn’t want to go alone for some reason, I’d go with them but the older they get, the more confident they are to go alone. My eldest has taken herself and her little sister since they were 9&5 respectively. And this is girls, who are arguably ‘more at risk’.
You can’t prevent your kids from learning independence because of the remote possibility of some potential weirdo being around, that’s ridiculous.
Specific_Task8627@reddit
That's a great question.today the world is not the same as it used to be. I'm glad my children are grown up now .
alivingstereo@reddit
The ugly truth is that most victims of pedophilia were abused by someone they trusted, not by a stranger.
First-Lengthiness-16@reddit
Much more dangerous statistically to leave them with a family member or family friend than let them go to the toilet alone.
My 6 year old daughter has started to sometimes ask to go to the toilet alone. If it isnt too busy, I wait by the door and she goes in. She really enjoys the sense of responsibilty "being a big girl" and going alone.
I would think it pretty weird for a 10 year old to have a chaperone, but understand that they may be SEND.
Dramoriga@reddit
If they're old enough to go for a wee without accidentally pissing on themselves, their shoes, or all over the toilet seat, they're fine to go. My 7yo kid is a short-ass so I still help him out as he can't reach a lot of the soap dispensers lol, but as soon as he can I'll let him go by himself.
ttylmm@reddit
I was regularly walking nearly 3 miles each way to school if a bus didn't come on time in the mid 90's as an 8 year old. I think being in a constant barrage of modern media in the palm of your hand is the issue. Children will grow up scared to go outside because of their parents overestimated fears of what "COULD" happen the moment they are out the door when they aren't there to supervise and be fully in control. I can't see that leading to a happy life for either party going into teen years.
rooreynolds@reddit
Depends on the kid, obviously.
For a while, during the period where they’re trying it out and getting comfortable going alone (for us this was about 8-9 I think) I’d ask each time if they wanted me to go with them. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t. Some places feel comfortable and others, especially if they’re busy/big/different may be scarier in unpredictable ways.
Also, there’s the question of how far do you go with them. Do you wait by sinks, or outside the door, or at the able where you are eating. Again, this will change over time and agreeing (each time) where you’ll be will help the kid gain confidence and know they’re safe. Plus of course is also helping the adult(s) gain confidence and know the kid is capable.
Sensitive_Ad_9195@reddit
Accompanying a 10+ year old to the loo in a restaurant is honestly absurd - they’re nearly off to secondary school??? I’d have said 6 or 7 - really once they’re old enough to sort themselves out and come back without destroying the bathroom.
theivoryserf@reddit
Up to 12, apparently, which is just absolutely nuts.
thenewfirm@reddit
My kid started at 6 but if it's somewhere crowded or busy I wait outside just so he doesn't get lost. I sometimes still escort him in a restaurant just to remind him not to run in front of the staff.
peobarionboy@reddit
They def need to be an adult with them, just to make sure the dirty buggers wash their hands.
Orthed@reddit
When I was 10 I had my own set of keys for the house and I was trusted to go to the corner shop on my own, or get on a \~90 minute train ride (having been taken to the station) and get off at the right stop. I firmly believe that this was an excellent way to help me prepare for secondary school the following year, where I would naturally need to be more independant anwyay.
I can't imagine how embarrasing it would have been if either of my parents had felt the need to escort me to the toilet in just about any public setting at that age.
reelmonkey@reddit
This reminds me of a topic like this on a Orlando Disney theme park message board. Honestly it was mad. People were acting like there were peados at every toilet ready with a helicopter to take them away. Taking teenage boys in to the women's toilets as they were too scared to let them use the men's on their own.
Goodbyecaution@reddit
13 is high school wtf. 10 is perfectly capable. By 13 i was going on day trips with my friends without adult supervision 🤣 Your friend sounds like something has scared her.
largepoggage@reddit
The thing that non-parents don’t realise is that part of being a parent is learning to accept that you can’t protect your child from the world. If you try then you’ll end up ruining their life in a different way. Think life long anxiety of strangers in public bathrooms.
DinosaurInAPartyHat@reddit
When they can take themselves to the toilet, you wait outside. When they're 6-7 they can do it all on their own, they're going to the toilet themselves in school and other places.
CherryLeafy101@reddit
If they can clean themselves up properly then they can go alone. Having your parent stood around while you try and use the bathroom is so embarrassing.
AnxiousTerminator@reddit
I was traveling to other cities to go to gigs without an adult at 13, let alone traveling across the room for a wee. This is a ridiculous overprotective take. I would be expecting a child to be able to go to the loo by themselves by age 6-7.
Perfectly2Imperfect@reddit
If you can see the entrance and are keeping an eye on it then they are absolutely fine. If they don’t come back in a reasonable amount of time or you see someone super dodgy and very drunk go in there and you’re concerned then you can always get up and check if you want to.
They are at more risk from strangers on their phones than they are from using a pub toilet without a hovering parent.
oncewerewarriors1@reddit
I can see both sides to this. Up until my Boys were around 13...probably even older....I would make sure my husband or my Dad would go to the toilet with them....the boys just presumed that they needed the toilet too. If i was on my own with them I would stand right outside the main door into the toilets. I know statistically the chance of anything happening were minimal. However, due to a traumatic incident when I was a child (which statistically was highly unlikely to happen) I was always way too overprotective. I did try to control it as much as I could as I knew it wasn't healthy for them. I also read a story where 2 brothers in the UK were in McDonald's with their dad and went to the toilet together but without the dad...they were raped in the toilet by a random man. The police did catch him thankfully but the damage was already done. This was similar to what happened to me at a young age so I think that exacerbated my paranoia.
Euphoric_Magazine856@reddit
I send my 6 year old to the toilet by himself. It really just depends on when I consider them competent enough to go by themselves without making a mess.
AchillesNtortus@reddit
Human perception of risk is skewed. We don't have a probability detector so much as a guesstimator based on our own circle and that of our information bubble.
For example my daughter's wanted a sleepover with their friends, all girls between the ages of 11 and 14. They were going to sleep outside in our garden, a big area (3/4 acre) behind a big stone wall. They would be supervised at all times. But one mother insisted her daughter came back home because there had been a horrible murder of a child camping outside in the summer. It had dominated the UK press for months.
I could understand why, but I think she was panicking unnecessarily. What was strange was that she was happy for her daughter to cross a very busy road at night, unsupervised, to get back home. A road on which two school children had been killed in the last few years. That was an acceptable risk. Perception, not probability was everything.
Kitchen_Direction_35@reddit
My little girl is 8 and will normally go alone if she’s familiar with surroundings, but will ask me to come if she isn’t too sure
Gh0stly_Moon@reddit
Pedophiles are in your family, your house sometimes, your local park, your schools, your supermarkets your neighbourhoods and yes your public bathrooms. However at that point if you're SO terrified you might as well lock your kid up in a room and throw away the key. I was going to the bathroom on my own at 7 (which was probably slightly young) however by ten I was ABSOLUTELY going without adult supervision and it is odd and suffocating to force your child to go in with you, the pedophiles won't stop being interested in your child because he's 13 not ten. Your friend absolutely needs to chill out
thagangstafag@reddit
By all accounts there's a whole big bunch of diddlers in the UK, but relatively few childnappings or assaults in public. So if you run the numbers, pedos and children are probably alone together in public bathrooms often and rarely anything happens.
They wanna get away with it and public assaults are not conduscive to that. That's why they go after members and friends of family.
terryjuicelawson@reddit
As soon as they start getting embarrassed by it which was 7/8 ish. 13 would just be fucking hilarious.
NewMagincia@reddit
How many stories have you heard about kids being attacked by random paedos in toilets? None, right?
Scratchy-cat@reddit
My 8 year old is allowed in most toilets alone but it does depend where we are and the toilet facilities available, to add my son has learning difficulties and loves to talk to everyone so it's a bit different for us I feel but mostly I just remind him to use a cubicle not a urinal
queenieofrandom@reddit
13? How does she expect he will be at secondary school?
Abquine@reddit
Sorry but as an old person the sort of thing boils my blood. We have collectively been persuaded by collective SM bombing that there are bad people everywhere, when in reality the perverts are, as they have always been a tiny fraction of our populations. Yes, you should keep an eye on your kids, you should educate them about the dangers of the world but you shouldn't be teaching them to be paranoid about their fellow humans.
tiptoe_only@reddit
Depends on the kid. My older daughter was going by herself at football or other familiar environments from the age of about 7. Younger one is that age now but don't feel she's quite mature enough to go by herself yet.
alwaysright0@reddit
Does she think 13 yo have a magic forcefield?
illarionds@reddit
That is absolutely absurd. Pedophiles aren't lurking in restaurant children, hoping an unaccompanied child wanders in - in fact, the vast majority of child abuse is (horrifyingly) at the hands of family members and friends.
I would send my 8 year old into a pub/restaurant toilet without a second thought.
Your friends are insane.
Redgrapefruitrage@reddit
Aged 10 is absolutely fine!
By aged 10 I was cycling to school with my friends by myself.
I'd argue people should be more concerned with who their children could end up speaking to on the internet, rather than potential perverts in public bathrooms.
Teji0104@reddit
They're right, I always see pedophiles parking their vans in public toilets, it's crazy out here.
In reality, a child is far more likely to be victimised by a family member, a friend of a family, or a school worker; assuming that they keep an eye on what their kids are doing online, which they probably aren't because that requires constant work, not just once in a blue moon when they go out.
irisiane@reddit
Never if a girl.
Puberty if a boy and only if he's a very confident loudmouth.
I do not feel safe alone as an adult woman. My male partner has been assaulted on a busy train.
No one is safe. I am responsible for my child and I will not take the risk.
Evilphog@reddit
Overprotective in the real world, underprotective online. That seems to be the current parenting zeitgeist.
DameKumquat@reddit
I think the only toilets I might hesitate with by age 10 were service stations, which are huge, possible to get lost in, and have back exits to enable kidnapping.
Any pub or restaurant had the usual rule - if you're not back in 5 min, I'm sending in a search party (ie opening the door and yelling). Never a problem beyond age 5-6 when they might be unable to get the flush or tap to work, or a local restaurant with door too heavy for a small child to pull.
Annabelle_Sugarsweet@reddit
Depends on the place. As a woman in my 30s there are some places I won’t go the loo on my own, if I had a kid I would always point them to use the disabled toilet if I could see it, that way you know there are no strangers in there as it’s a single toilet.
JensonInterceptor@reddit
Places you as an adult wouldn't go to the loo on your own, parents aren't bringing children there either
Annabelle_Sugarsweet@reddit
Dodgy pubs definitely do have children in!
JensonInterceptor@reddit
In those 'Dodgy pubs' you could always ask one of the little girls to accompany you to the toilet?
Starlinkukbeta@reddit
If you’re in London, and female, age doesn’t come into it. Don’t use public toilets. Go into a pub or coffee shop.
kentguy2024@reddit
What a paranoid thing to say - nothing wrong with public toilets in London.
Starlinkukbeta@reddit
From family experience. I assume you’re male.
kentguy2024@reddit
Who cares what sex I am - doesn’t matter if I’m male or female. London is pretty safe from a crime aspect when compared to number of population to most areas of the UK and yes I also speak from family experience as well as my own. Sheer paranoia from your perspective.
Starlinkukbeta@reddit
Sadly, that’s a males bravado shining through. Have a look at any of the recent crime against female stats in London. As I have said, my experience is the exact opposite of what you’re suggesting.
kentguy2024@reddit
Nothing to do with being a Male and bravado - you are simply paranoid and that’s the end of it. If you’re using the toilet in pub and cafe opening hours then the public toilets are being used by a large number of people so therefore are safe by stating what your saying that no public toilet is safe no matter what time of day and that is paranoia
PerpetuallySouped@reddit
No, it isn't, you're being paranoid.
AceOfGargoyes17@reddit
Really? I'm female, lived in London my whole life, and never thought twice about using public toilets
Starlinkukbeta@reddit
Unbelievable gaslighting. My daughter, 20, has been approached twice in the last 2months, in a female public toilet, by a man. Each time, another female has come to her aid. Fortunately she wasn’t alone. On both occasions, it was before 12 noon. Look at the female assault statistics in London. Then, when you continue to use public toilets, look over your shoulder and go with a friend.
JensonInterceptor@reddit
You need to stop being confident then and start becoming scared of where you live and grew up then
Old_Distance6314@reddit
Hard to answer as there is no correct answer. It's unfortunately down to fate,in the 70s my cousin was sexually abused in a public toilet on his 16th and 17th birthdays. And he wasn't a small lad either
friedeggbeats@reddit
At age 9, I had a Saturday job delivering letters round town. On my own. OP’s mate needs to get a grip.
RevolutionaryTea1265@reddit
I volunteer with children aged 7-8 and I don’t go into the bathroom with them, they’re perfectly able to go by themselves and come back out again no issues. But I guess it depends on the child.
Milky_Finger@reddit
Did anyone actually say this?
Smooth_Honeydew_5479@reddit
Maybe she has experienced some sort of negative event in a public bathroom..? It doesn't matter if she doesn't have kids or how old they are, or if the situation is hypothetical... something has obviously upset her, being blasé and telling her to 'get offline' might not have been the most thoughtful response. Maybe she just wanted to know you cared about the personal safety/protection of her and your potential future family
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
Fair comment but also didn't want to make the description even longer.
She did say it has never happened to her and was only worried about the sending a child to the men's toilets. The comment "not all men but always men" was used hence the "get offline" comment.
Having spoken before it seems all her fears have never been experienced first hand and developed recently
Ok-Train5382@reddit
It’s impressive she has the mental faculties to use a smart phone
Mrs_B-@reddit
I volunteer for a kids sports organisation with ages from 4 to 18. We are in a public space, so this is what we do.
If a primary school child is capable of going alone, we wait outside the bathroom. If not, we go in and stand by the closed door of the stall. When I say capable, I mean they know how to lock and unlock a door, can flush a toilet and wash their hands. We have a conversation with parents to understand their capabilities. Age doesn't really factor - some kids are more independent than others.
Secondary school kids can go completely by themselves. We keep an eye out so we know if anyone else goes in. We also clock watch as it shouldn't take longer than 5 minutes.
justhangingaroud@reddit
Absolutely fine. No worries
Drillingz@reddit
13 is far too old to still be accompanied to the toilet even 10 is pushing it tbh
CrossRoadChicken@reddit
Some people are worried about the day that will never come
HMS_Northumberland@reddit
Until it does
Striking_Smile6594@reddit
Statistically highly unlikely to though.
A child who has been abused is far more likely to be abused by a parent, family member or known authority figure than a stranger in the toilets.
'Stranger danger' is largely hysteria.
Mac4491@reddit
More likely to happen in the family home than in a public toilet.
ukbabz@reddit
I sometimes let my 5 year old go to the toilet on her own if we're in a pub or restaurant and I know the toilets are close (and she wont bother anyone en route).
My nieces are 8 and 11 and I couldn't imagine escorting them unless it was miles away - aka weatherspoons!
No_Watercress8348@reddit
My teen has been going in alone since he was around 8 or 9, i was extremely aware of the time he was in there and would wait outside at that age, my younger children are both under 7 and I make them come into the ladies with me (which they hate but needs must) or they go with their teen brother. This idea that there’s a paedo waiting in every toilet to pounce on your child is crazy imo.
eroticdiscourse@reddit
We were out playing alone by 10yrs old, if my mum supervised me to the toilet I’d have been rightfully bullied. Being paranoid there’d a paedophile hiding in every dark corner is no way to live
mooter23@reddit
My kid is 9 and he goes to the loo by himself. If he comes out and tells me someone was being inappropriate they had better be a faster runner than I am.
You have to let the kids grow up. And despite what the tabloids would have you believe, your local pub loo isn't infested with paedos.
Hunter037@reddit
In a relatively controlled setting they're familiar with, like a campsite or pub or park, probably age 7. I let my 5 year old go to the loo block with her 8 year old sister when we are camping.
In a very busy public outdoor setting like a town centre or train station, older, but more because I'd worry about them getting lost or worried than abducted.
rkr87@reddit
Wanting to escort a 13 year old to the toilet is weird as fuck and totally inappropriate.
tinglybiscuits@reddit
My son started going by himself when he was 8, it’s when he felt confident enough to do so.
sayleanenlarge@reddit
She does need to use less social media. There aren't pedophiles lurking everywhere. It's made much more pronounced by constantly being talked about and every incident being reported. I feel sorry for men here because they're all getting painted as aggressive perverts, and they aren't all like that at all.
I think it's terrible how we're treating men lately. They're not allowed to have paternal feelings towards kids, or love kids, because it's taken the wrong way.
ConstantReader666@reddit
Depends where you are. I would have a look at my surroundings and access the clientel. Also a 10 year old is old enough to learn procedures. If someone is in there who makes him feel uneasy, come back and grab an adult.
Somewhere like a family restaurant shouldn't be problematic. Teach him to use a stall, not the urinal.
terahurts@reddit
In a pub? As long as I or one of the other adults can see the toilet entrance from the bar or where we're sitting, when my (grand)kids are old enough to find the way there themselves.
Somewhere like the beach on the other hand where the toilets can be a 5 or 10 minute walk and are out of sight, we try to make sure none of the children go on their own without making it weird for them so an adult or one of the older kids will also happen to need the loo or walk with the younger ones so they can 'help carry the ice creams/drinks back' or something.
Striking_Smile6594@reddit
Your friends are extremely paranoid and ironically will be causing their children vast amounts of harm by teaching them to be permanently scared of bogeymen. Thank goodness my childhood was nothign like this.
Next time your friends give you grief over this feel free that statistically their children are at a far greater risk of sexual abuse from their own parent's than from a stranger in the toilet.
BillyJoeDubuluw@reddit
It’s a sign of the times. People have a more elevated sense of stranger danger these days.
I think it’s too easy to say the friend is being paranoid or overly protective because you have to look at the forty year plus back log of historic sexual abuse cases that happened in eras where kids blatantly weren’t believed.
I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong here, it’s just a shame that a pub lunch or restaurant requires such attention to detail.
Careful_Adeptness799@reddit
Depends on the toilet.
foozyfelt@reddit
Mine insists on my coming with her on account of the ONE TIME four years ago she couldn’t unlock the toilet door on her own….. she’s 12
PersonalityTough6148@reddit
Do you have kids?
Was this your kid?
Everyone parents differently. What feels ok for you, might not for others and that's ok!!
If you don't have kids I don't think you can argue with a parent about this. You can have an opinion but you aren't the one that has to deal with the fall out. I agree the bogeyman of random paedophiles is blown out of proportion but it's a valid concern as a parent - what if your kid is the one that does get attacked in a toilet? How do you deal with that? You would get to shrug it off if it isn't your kid but they wouldn't.
From my POV it varies massively by the kid. Mine are younger and I only have two but they are really different. One would mess about, stand on the toilet seat and fall in (she's 3). The other would be totally sensible and it would be fine. You can't really have blanket rules when it comes to kids, especially if you don't know them very well. Their parent knows them better than anyone else and they might not feel confident in how their kid handles situations.
LettusLeafus@reddit
The swimming pool we go to has a set limit of 8 yrs old for opposite sex children to go with their parents into the changing rooms/toilets. I have two boys and have generally stuck to that rule. I prefer to send them in together and will stand outside waiting for them, but have never had any issues.
Enough-Ad3818@reddit
At 11, I was on the bus to Leeds, to make an appointment at the Leeds Orthodontic Dept at the LGI, then catch the bus back and head to school for the remainder of the day.
Honestly, it was great. Once I was on the bus, it was a 45min journey, so I was able to get through most of a Stereophonics CD in my discman.
Kids wrapped in cotton wool for so long become dependent on their parents for much longer, and are often the ones shocked by taxes, how money works, and other similar aspects to life they never encountered.
I think that sometimes, protecting kids from an exaggerated, imaginary threat 'just to be safe', is actually damaging to their experience of the world.
TheRemanence@reddit
I think the threat isn't imaginary but it is also statistically unlikely. If we all live our lives based on worst case scenarios, we'd never do anything.
On a similar note to your example... when i was 10 i spent some of one half term staying with my 19 year old sister at university. Student digs were slightly eye opening but nothing bad happened and i have great memories from hanging out with my sister and some of her friends. When i was 15 i stayed with my other sister, we probably shouldn't have gone to the student bar and clubbing but my sister and friends looked after me amd i only drank a bit. By the time i went to university myself, i was savvy, confident and self aware. Many of my peers were naive and went a bit overboard when suddenly given freedom at 18!
Enough-Ad3818@reddit
At my son's school, the kids are allowed to walk unsupervised from aged 10.
If the kids can walk to and from school alone, heaven knows what OPs girlfriend thinks will happen on the way.
It sounds like a mixture of catastrophising and paranoia coming out.
TheRemanence@reddit
Exactly.
My niece was taking the tube to school at 11 (7 yrs ago). Not sure how else she would have got there?! I see young kids in london travelling on buses all the time.
Nuo_Vibro@reddit
Single father here. My daughter has been going on her own in my local since she was 7. She’s 9 now and she uses the disabled toilet with me standing outside everywhere else. If I had to pick an age where she would be unsupervised (ie, totally in her own, not going with a friend), I would say 11.
TheRemanence@reddit
Is there any particular reason you chose 11? That feels very late to me but of course she is your child so it's entirely up to you.
For context, I was walking to school on my own in junior school (short walk no major roads to cross. It was the 90s) and then taking the bus on my own to senior school at 11. My niece was taking the tube to school on her own at 11 (7 yrs ago and common in london.) From that perspective, still having some supervision even at 10 seems impractical to me personally.
I'm interested and not judging you. I'm also not a parent
Time-Mode-9@reddit
10?? İ let mine go in as soon as they were physically able to di it by themselves. I'd keep an eye on the door , and if they took longer than usual, I'd go and check on them.
ArmadilloFront1087@reddit
By 10 I was walking to and from school alone and meeting my friend at his house around the corner from mine and walking to the park to play. All without mobile phones etc.
I appreciate the world has changed and not all cities were as safe as where I lived, but it’s hard to reconcile the level of over-protectiveness that has meant the world has gone from a 10 year old being able to walk to school and play in the park without parental supervision” to “not being able to use a bathroom in a restaurant without parental supervision”
TheMarvelMunchkin@reddit
Depends on the place and the kid, younger on a family friendly small cafe where the kid has been a lot, and you can see, a bit older in a new place (by younger I mean 5/6 - older 8/9) But unless the kid has some disability, at 10, where the parent can see the toilet door sounds perfectly reasonable - most kids are walking to school by themselves at 9/10 (even in big cities) - no way a high schooler would be happy with their parents standing outside the toilet!!!
Stock-Syrup2044@reddit
miz_moon@reddit
I’ve been babysitting since I was 13, there is no way a 13yo needs supervising to go to a pub toilet unless they have medical needs. I was changing nappies and looking after toddlers at that age..
clrthrn@reddit
My daughter often goes to the toilet alone and she is 7. If the toilet was an outdoor one in a park then I would go with her but in a restaurant or cafe, she can go alone. Me taking her to the toilet at 10 would be social death.
ljofa@reddit
Typical misandrist crap.
No_Battle_6402@reddit
We used to get a public bus to school from the age of 7! There wasn’t a coach for our village until we went to high school and a coach picked us up! Around 4 or 5 kids would be at my bus stop right in the middle of the village so this was the busiest stop
mordhoshogh@reddit
Is the idea that once they turn 13 the Toilet Paedo (great band name) will just vanish? Or that the Toilet Paedo checks ID when they go in, like a slightly more sinister version of those lads who spray cologne?
Ricky_Martins_Vagina@reddit
As far back as I can remember there was never any issue using toilets unescorted - I can't remember specific ages but definitely by 6 if not earlier at local restaurants, play centres, etc.
By 7/8 we were half living in the far east (Hong Kong / China / Philippines) and remember using public toilets there without any problem - even we'll put of my parents' eyesight. It was just the 'hole in the ground' ones that used to freak me out 😂
Gingy2210@reddit
I think it depends on the child not their age. My grandson is 11 with intellectual disabilities so he's vulnerable. We use the disabled/accessible toilets with him.
SingerFirm1090@reddit
10 or 13 are arbitary figures, depending on the child, 8 or 15 might be better.
Busy toilets are not the haunt of paedophiles either, the fact they are busy is a protection in itself. If I went into thar loo, I'd be concerned about an adult standing without reason in there.
BlackberryNice1270@reddit
At 10, I'd consider it a bit weird if they needed to be accompanied, to be honest. Parents like this raise kids full of anxiety and empty of resilience. We need to start reinforcing the message that random attacks on children are incredibly rare. It's almost always someone in or very close to the family.
ThePeake@reddit
My nephew is 10 and if we go out for a family meal, he can go to the loo alone and done since at least last year.
Professional_Pain242@reddit
For the sake of 2 minutes, better safe than sorry.
https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/8745686.BELVEDERE__Pervert_guilty_of_sexually_assaulting_boys_in_McDonalds_toilet/
Shoddy-Reply-7217@reddit
Wow.
Lordy.
They mostly have to get on the school bus for secondary alone from age 11.
How on earth do we teach kids how to be independent if you hover over them for every moment before then?
Depending on the child, and how close it is, I'd say 7ish. They're perfectly happy to and capable of helping around the house, washing themselves and having more elements of independence at that age.
And wrapping them in cotton wool just makes them more vulnerable later on if/when risks happen and they don't know how to deal with it.
Subhuman_1982@reddit
As a cub leader, looking after 8-10yo on camp I'm certainly not expecting to escort every child to the toilet all weekend. Of course the camp sites are generally more private, and about 2.5 miles closer than the toilets in wetherspoons but the point stands.
At a festival, a couple of days in my 9 yo was good to go to the campsite toilets as we could see them from the tent and she knew her way back to the tent. Not a chance in the arena though. I struggled to find the rest of the family after going so she'd have had no hope!
CurrentSandwich541@reddit
Does....does she think that risk magically goes away when they hit 13? No, that's not how that works.
I mean if that works for them ig but yeah it's pretty weird at that age. It would be perfectly fine to just keep a look out and monitor how long he's in there.
GreenMist1980@reddit
My local, yes child would be fine. The age cut off is more about them not mucking about and coming straight back without pissing off other patrons. Having said that if it was your typical Weatherspoons loo set up, I would be worried about my child ending up in Narnia
Solsbeary@reddit
Ahhh the social panic runs strong with these lot...
Don't forget, paedophiles have more in common, genetically, with crabs then you or me!
There's no real evidence, but its scientific FACT!
Expensive_Ad_6475@reddit
My son is 10 and I go to the bathroom with him.
I will caveat that my wife works in a mental health hospital, so we are very aware of how many ‘sick’ people there are in the world.
Sea-Still5427@reddit
Depends on the child; how aware and confident they are, as well as how developed physically. You're aiming to build confidence and independence gradually, so you tailor it to the child, but it's unhelpful in the long run to make any child think that all men are dangerous. That builds fear, not confidence.
butwhatsmyname@reddit
This is... weird.
if your kid is capable of taking themselves to, and using the toilet unaccompanied then they're also capable of turning the fuck around and walking out of a bathroom if there's someone hanging around in there watching people.
I'm 41 and - even in the significantly less paedo-averse 80s and 90s - I never once heard of anyone being harassed or spied on by a stranger/adult in a toilet. And that's not a 1950s "oh people just didn't talk about that stuff" thing because they absolutely did. Everyone in my primary school knew that you had to watch your back walking through the spinney from Street A to Road B because sometimes a man hides in the bushes with dirty magazines.
You see him? You run like hell and go tell a grownup.
But you know what? I never saw him. And I don't know anyone who actually did either.
If a parent has an 8 year old who they haven't talked to about staying safe, about leaving a situation that makes them uncomfortable, or about running like hell if they feel like they need to? Then it's the parent who should be supervised.
Do people really think that restaurant staff allow grown men to wander into their establishments and hang out in the toilets? Maybe it's a bit different in a park or public toilet but again, you teach your kids about watching out for themselves.
This paedo hysteria is doing so much harm to kids. Honestly, on balance I would much rather have had to run out of the woods once as a kid because I saw someone lurking in the bushes than never be allowed to walk around alone at all. Have my mum listen to me taking a shit till I was 13. Never be trusted to be unsupervised till I was 3 years away from sitting my GCSEs.
And I know that's not really what it's about - people think they're protecting their kids, but their kids don't see that (because there's no threat there in the first place) so they just feel untrusted and incapable.
TheRemanence@reddit
This is totally over the top unless there is a specific reason for additional concern. E.g. Neurodivergence.
I was walking to and from school younger than this (short walk without crossing major roads.) My niece and nephew also did this in yr5/6 only 10 yrs ago.
Obviously there are crazies out there, but if you live your life like this, those children will never learn any independence.
Also, 13 yr olds can still be hurt by pedophiles...
Draw_Other@reddit
Jesus Christ the next generation are gonna be so fucking scared of shit
LocalObelix@reddit
My kids are trusted to go to the toilets in pubs, restaurants, leisure venues including football stadiums on their own at 8&10 if I feel they can navigate there and back without getting lost.
Bigger venues, somewhere new or it if it’s really busy then I’ll go with them
AceBv1@reddit
boy, seven. Girl, as soon as she can hold a switchblade.
Valuable-Wallaby-167@reddit
Depends on the kid and how far away the toilets are but once they get to the age where they feel comfortable going by themselves and you feel comfortable that they're going to flush, wash their hands etc without supervision and not leave a mess. There's not many kids I'd trust younger than 7 but I'd definitely expect a child to be able to be unsupervised in a public loo by the age of 10 unless there was a developmental delay. 13 is ridiculous. Especially if they're out with just a parent of the opposite gender.
Appropriate-Cycle-31@reddit
6ish. I don’t see what the big deal is. I was about that age when I was a big boy going potty all alone out in the big scary world.
Secret_Draft_6146@reddit
In my experience this is a gradual process towards independence, just like anything else in child rearing. When they're little you obviously go into the cubicle with them. When they're a bit older you wait outside the cubicle etc. Where going to a public loo on your own is concerned, it depends entirely on the layout of the locality. Is it a busy railway toilet with a complicated floor plan where your child could get lost, or is it a small restaurant where you can clearly see who goes in and out? You have to let go at some point, just use your common sense and parental instincts. Also allow yourself to be guided by your child, some children are cautious, others are eager to expand their independence. Of course there are always dangers, as there are with everything in life.
George_Salt@reddit
Social and tabloid media have hyped up Stranger Danger and fear of the other to the point of paranoia, but the facts still demonstrate that a child is most at risk from a family member in the family home.
wasdice@reddit
It's when the kid starts smelling of hammers that you have to worry
Exotic-Hour677@reddit
Does she have children?
Myorangecrush77@reddit
My lad with send was using the loos alone from 7!
uk451@reddit
8 was the age my childhood gym stopped allowing kids in the wrong changing room, and the age I continue to think of as capable of going into their own loo
avalanchefan95@reddit
I let mine go from around 6 with line of sight to the door to see who was coming and going.
RobCarrol75@reddit
We send kids to school from age 5 onwards. We leave them at church, scouts, etc. We leave them at football training (or other sports like gymnastics). These are the places that pedophiles are more likely to operate in rather than busy pub toilets.
Critical_Pin@reddit
I'd have said 7 or 8 depending on the child.
And_Justice@reddit
How can a woman possibly pass comment on what happens in the men's toilets? Just as a man would have no idea about what goes on in the women's toilets. Does she think we just have random nonces that chill all day in the cubicles?
Hatpar@reddit
You should sit down and watch Old Enough! On Netflix basically six year olds go out and do chores. Makes popping to the loo look like child's play.
Goatsandducks@reddit
My son isn't out of nappies yet but if I knew he was fully capable and wanted to go by himself then whatever age that was I might compromise and wait outside for him. It's all dependent on the kid in my opinion and the parents comfort level.
LivingProgram8109@reddit
Wtf! 10? It's part of growing up and kids need to be able to do these things by themselves. Most people in the world are not paedophiles and certainly not just stalking out pub/restaurant toilets.
Is she still going to be walking a 13 year old kid down to school?
Honestly this kind of cotton wool wrapping, fear of everything attitude is as damaging as neglect and the kid will not thank her for it.
Dad of a 10yr old boy and 15yr old girl.
Lollypop1305@reddit
My son is 9 and as long as I have view of the bathroom then he can go himself. These people are ridiculous 🤣
mattjimf@reddit
I think it was about 6-7 for my two. Usually, my wife would go with my daughter, and I'd go with my son.
Now at 11 and 9, they go by themselves wherever we are.
nova75@reddit
You may hear about paedophiles on the news a lot, and they may seem widespread, and of course there is a danger but the reality is that they're still incredibly rare in our population.
ProfPMJ-123@reddit
Depends on how busy it is, but my 8 year old is fine to go by himself.
If the pub was packed, I’d more likely go with him, but otherwise he’s fine.
Unlikely_Ad_1825@reddit
Id let them go in on their own, but still keep an eye on them, not only that, but they could also be kidnapped too, maybe iv watched taken too many times 😂 iv got a daughter though so i take extra precautions
tonification@reddit
We let ours go alone from 8.
shantzde90@reddit
In the most respectful way possible. That person is an idiot.
MoneyInside8835@reddit
13 is insane. Mine have been going by themselves for about a year and a half. When my daughter was 9-10ish I’d let her go by herself and I’d ask her brother (3 years younger) to go with her at the same time so that he’s not by himself and he goes in the ladies toilets with his sister
They go together and come back together
If he needed to go but she didn’t, I took him for a little while but he’s 8 now and he also goes by himself most of the time (depends on where we are and how kid friendly the place is.)
The only place I still make them be supervised and wait with / for me is in the toilets in service stations, because I feel like that’s the easiest place in the world to steal a child.
Senhora-da-Hora@reddit
13 is way old, and as a child I'd be more freaked out about my over protective parents following me into the loo every time I needed to go
FluffySmiles@reddit
I was attacked in a public toilet at the age of 7 or so.
Not a good memory.
However, hanging around in the toilet is a bit over the top, especially over 10yo. Maybe scope it out first, checking for danger.
My attacker was lurking in a cubicle and grabbed me and pulled me in as I was walking past on the way out, after making sure nobody else was there and had been watching me take a piss without my knowledge. Apparently he had been there for hours and I was not his first victim of the day, but I was the one that caused him to get caught because my mother was standing outside waiting for me and I managed to fight him off and escape.
Mindfulness is the best defence, I would say.
djashjones@reddit
You'll be surprised at the amount of blokes in the gents with puppies!
Icy-Belt-8519@reddit
Depends on the situation and the kid, my eldest was a lot younger than my youngest, that kid was terrified of hand blowers until about 10, and could get lost in a empty square room 😂 and also how busy
10 is fine for both though! Though I think my youngest still didn't wanna go alone at that age lol... I think my eldest was like 6 if I could see the loos, or if I just waited outside while we were passing etc maybe 7 if not
Qyro@reddit
I follow my child’s lead. If they feel confident enough to go by themself, they can. It’s not like I’m miles away if something goes wrong.
Senhora-da-Hora@reddit
You're not dining at One New Change are you?
Impossible_fruits@reddit
I was 12 when my mum let me babysit my 10 year old brother and 9 year old cousin. It was for the whole 6 weeks school holiday.
TheGreenPangolin@reddit
Kids around the country are getting themselves to and from high school at age 11. But they can't go to the toilet by themselves at age 10? They aren't going to magically go from never going anywhere alone to getting public transport to school alone- there has to be inbetween steps. And toilets alone is an early step. I'd say age 7-8 depending on the kid. That said, don't ever comment on someone else's parenting choices. That's just asking for an argument
Stripes_the_cat@reddit
You let them take the lead, so my eldest is 9, and in unfamiliar settings often wants showing where the toilet is because he's nervous about getting lost(!), but is fine once he knows.
(He has, alas, inherited his mother's... whatever the opposite is of "a sense of direction").
MountainMuffin1980@reddit
10, especially in a pub or whatever is fine,as long as your child understands stranger danger etc and there's no risk they'll get lost.
Worrying about paedos like that all the time is...worrying.
It would maybe be different if they had to go out of sight to some weird junky looking public bathroom but even then I'd be more worried about weirdo junkies than a paedo hoping to hit the jackpot with a lone child.
Naive_Product_5916@reddit
I mean, do you go to restaurants where pedophiles hang out?
DiscoKnuckle@reddit (OP)
I will need to poll the others diners next time.
andanzadora@reddit
13 is mad. My 8 year old goes alone in most settings including family friendly restaurants/pubs, having gradually built up over the last year or 2, starting with the most kid-friendly/familiar places. I only go with him somewhere like a large station/shopping centre/busy festival, where the risk is more him getting lost on the way there/back rather than anything that might happen in the toilets.
PapaJrer@reddit
Depends on the situation. Service station toilets at 10pm feel riskier than Pizza Express in the afternoon.
Unless you're in Woking.
DaddyDemented@reddit
34 and with a friend
Glad_Independence874@reddit
I have 3 kids. One is 20, it did entirely depend on where we were with her. If local pub, we had been there before etc she could go from about 8. My oldest son is 10 and he goes on his own, has done for the last year but again depends on where we are usually I would wait outside. My youngest is 8 and he has autism, he will come with me but I go into disabled with him as the hand dryers cause melt downs.
DrH1983@reddit
Assuming it's a family friendly pub, or park in the daytime (which I assume it is )10 years old is perfectly fine. I
Some people are insanely paranoid
Dependent_Phone_8941@reddit
Your friends are categorically insane. 10 year olds walk to school alone in loads of places. Maybe if you live in pedophile central where pedophiles hide in stalls waiting for unsupervised 10 year olds then you need to watch out?
If I’m in a restaurant and can see the toilet door from where I am sitting, I would let my 7 year old go himself now. I’d take my 4 year old myself and my 1 year old doesn’t need to go as he is still in nappies.
What an insane thought that a 10 year old couldn’t go to the toilet because of pedophiles. People need to go outside now and again instead of scrolling.
astromech_dj@reddit
WTF. Do these people think peodos just live in public bathrooms? Helicopter much?
Miserable_Mission_55@reddit
My child is 9 and the only issue/concern with pub toilets would really be drug taking and them being disgusting.
Depending on the pub or public toilet I might wait nearby- ie at the football I worry about her getting lost as there’s 60k people but Peaddogeddon is a modern hysterical concept I don’t let run my parenting (and I work as a national safeguarding advisor so spend my day advising professionals about things that include child abuse)
bumbleb33-@reddit
My 4yo I take but my 8yo is good to go unaccompanied. If they've been an awfully long time I will shout them from the doorway to make sure they're OK and often they go in pairs with one of my other kids for convenience but I'm far less worried about a weirdo in a toilet than a parent of a friend or someone who has easy access to my child regularly.
Now a caveat if it's a place I'd feel uncomfortable to use the toilets(and there have been a few occasions)we leave and find somewhere else where possible. But if I don't like the overall vibe we wouldn't be there anyway.
Independent-Flow2644@reddit
I have a 7YO daughter. If we go out I take her to the toilet, check it out inside that it’s safe and clean, then leave her and wait outside.
Just a tiny bit of independence but it has to start somewhere.
deepspacetelemetry@reddit
I let my 8 year old daughter go to the toilet on her own whilst I wait outside. Nerve wracking but part of them developing independence.
thereisalwaysrescue@reddit
My son is 8 and he’s being going to the toilets alone (with me waiting outside) for the past year.
marmighty@reddit
As soon as he was:
1) physically capable of going to the toilet, wiping, and washing his hands by himself, and
2) able to advocate for himself and had a strong sense of when it is and isn't appropriate to interact with strangers
alrightpickle@reddit
7 or 8 assuming it was a place I knew well. The threat of lurking strangers is very low. Not to be depressing but most abusers are known to the child.
Careful-Swimmer-2658@reddit
The trick is to let them believe they're going by themselves while you discretely keep an eye on them.
Internal-Dark-6438@reddit
I’m super neurotic. But at 9 I allow my son to go to the loo on his own at a restaurant. If he is gone for too long, I would investigate. He knows what to do if a dodgy person approaches him
Lobotomy-in-Tesco@reddit
I think you need to establish who is in charge of the 10 year old boy. Is it her child? If so, she can do what she wishes within reason. Is it not? Then she's crossing a boundary if she's telling other people how to parent their kids.
I don't personally have an issue with women in the gent's toilets. I am usually more concerned that they've ended up in there by accident, or god forbid, I have ended up in the ladies'. I understand it might be seen differently for boys in women's toilets so I would have to defer my judgement there.
Tl;dr don't try and parent other people's kids, don't let other people try and parent yours. Think on what they've said or consider their viewpoint, sure, but it's someone's kid, and it's up to them to work out with the other parent and the child themselves.
SpaceTimeCapsule89@reddit
My son is 8 and goes by himself. We aren't in places like pubs or anything but restaurants, McDonald's, trampoline parks etc, he just goes by himself. I will occasionally glance at the door to make sure he doesn't come out and wonder off (he's autistic). 99% of the time he comes back, the other 1% of the time he comes out with a look in his eye and I run over to avoid a run off
nfurnoh@reddit
Depends on the kid of course. Age is relatively unimportant.
tiorzol@reddit
I used to go out when I was about 8 after primary school to play footy until dinner time.
Now I've got a son I wouldn't do that, at least 11 I think. He'll be going to school on his own at that age so it's not really different.
Mina_U290@reddit
10 is fine. Don't they rewatch Criminal Minds? Every age group has a predator just for them, and there is more risk from a family member than a chance encounter in a restaurant public toilet.
However.. If the fear was coming from a woman then we're basically brought up being taught to fear strange men, so you could just agreev to let it go. Especially if it wasnt your kid
ExpectedDickbuttGotD@reddit
The toilet in the restaurant you're in? My 9 year old does it all the time - can't remember if we started at 8, or earlier.
RainbowPenguin1000@reddit
Waiting in the toilets with a 10yr old is completely unnecessary in the majority of circumstances.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
8 was when we started letting my boy go by himself.
We have a rule, I'll set a 3 min timer and if he's not back in that time I'll go check he's OK.
another_online_idiot@reddit
It depends on the child - if a parent feels their child is responsible enough and capable enough to attend to the functions required unattended then, provided there is a clear view of the entryway to the toilet they should be allowed to take themselves.
Mr_Millside@reddit
From birth. Would go with them until they are about 9-10 years old.
xSEARLEYx@reddit
10 and older is fine as long as the children themselves are aware of ‘stranger danger’. Children also need their own independence at some point, can’t keep them wrapped in cotton wool forever.
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