Has It Been Tough Being a Father?
Posted by mrbreadman1234@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 78 comments
Man… has it been tough being a father, and how crazy has the shift been? Especially for our generation, we never really thought we’d grow up. We were just out here living, thinking time would wait. Now suddenly, we’re raising kids, dealing with real life, and trying to be present fathers in a world that never prepared us for this. Just some thoughts… anyone else feel this shift too?
erejum31@reddit
The hardest, and easiest at the same time, part for me has been realizing that our parents didn't have a clue what they were doing either. Nobody ever really gets a tutorial at being a parent. They figured it out as they went along too, and tried to be the best parents they could be while juggling their other responsibilities. They got a lot of things wrong with me but it came from a good place, and today we have a happy, loving relationship. I'm trying to take a similar approach to my kids, and hopefully do things a little better this time around - I try to listen more, and I look for the signals that I would have been putting out at their age that my parents missed, if that makes sense.
For me, it's helped that I was in a good place with my wife - we had kids when we were both older, I was 40 when my first was born. So we had already been around the block a few times, we built up our marriage on our own before the kids came along, so I feel like that prepared us for the transition into parenthood. And sure, it's not easy - it's a full-time job on top of your full-time job, and it's not one you can nope out of. So you show up every day, and sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's easy, and hopefully at the end of the day, the happy moments outweigh the bad ones.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
I feel our parents were better parents then us
SuperSuperKyle@reddit
I don't beat my kids, so there's that...
C_est_la_vie9707@reddit
My husband is a much much better dad than my dad was.
speck_the_ride@reddit
I beg to differ, our parents were worse and more careless than our generation. The TV generation had to be reminded we existed at 10pm.
I won't even begin to get into the generational trauma my siblings and I had to put a stop to.
NightWriter500@reddit
As a generality, our parents weren’t better, or worse, than us. They were just figuring it out in a different time with different challenges. Nowadays we have some more opportunities, people talk about mental health more and there are different ways to approach people on the spectrum, but we have to deal with more technology as well and I feel like the world is generally… harder. Anyway, what’s going on with you?
elbr@reddit
I have four kids. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 14.
A few things things I've learned.
First of all, potty training was my least favorite part of parenting. Until my kids were 15-18. Those are the most difficult years and I would potty train for 30 years of I never had to parent teenagers ever again.
Here's why. You know that age where your kid thinks they're big enough to pour their own milk and they scream if you try to help them and then they spill milk everywhere and you have to clean up the mess? Well when they're 15, the process starts all over again, but now they're going out into the world and they think they know how to works and they're smart asses. When you try to give them advice, sometimes they'll blow you off and other times they'll say they heard you but they won't put it into practice.
It's exhausting, so prepare yourselves for that.
I heard somewhere that you're supposed to love and appreciate and enjoy your children the first seven years of their lives, teach them the next seven years of their lives (8-14,) and support them the third seven years of their lives (15-21) and that makes a lot of sense to me because if you haven't taught your child something by the age of 14, chances are they're either gonna learn it from the Internet, from their friends, or from firsthand experience (aka "the hard way")
Good luck, dads!
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
good luck to all dads for sure
mind if I ask more?
elbr@reddit
I'm not an "expert parent" but I'd be happy to share my experiences if you're curious.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
thanks
Adrasteia-One@reddit
It has been the hardest job I've ever had. One of my biggest issues has been not having the authoritarian style of parenting my parents used too much on me. We were a yelling family, and it is unbelievable how that has unconsciously had an effect on me. I've used what I think is only a sharp tone when disciplining my daughter, but she says it is "being mean and yelling." That conditioning I got from childhood is no joke. Like others here have said, my parents were just doing what they probably grew up with, but I'm trying my best not to be like that with my family.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
do you have a daughter?
Adrasteia-One@reddit
Yeah
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
oh man how is that like? age?
Adrasteia-One@reddit
She'll be 8 soon. This has been a good age range, but there are challenges, to be sure. She still has her little kid moments, but she is growing in independence, as well as pushing more boundaries.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
oh congrats man
Dramatic-Dark-4046@reddit
Oh, you were prepared if you were paying attention.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how so
Dramatic-Dark-4046@reddit
There were plenty of role models through tv that we were brought up on. Plenty of information about being a present parent and a good person. Plenty of positivity and how to treat people. Kids are people too. Remembering that and applying it go hand in hand. Sure things in the world are different than when we grew up, but change is inevitable. No one has a perfect manuscript on how to navigate life, so you take what you can and apply it to the current climate. Being present is the easiest and most effective tool in parenting. Being there is more important than always having the right answers, you know. And knowing is half the battle.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
mind if I ask more
Dramatic-Dark-4046@reddit
I never mind. What more would you like to ask.?
Hesmec@reddit
Thank you for this. I’m a mother, but you captured my parenting sentiments exactly.
I don’t think our children, especially older, expect us to have all of the answers. My favorite moments in parenting are talking things out and seeing my child reach the same conclusion I was thinking. It’s affirming for both her and I.
Being present - in the moment, not on your phone - also helps the child feel safe with you. If they know you are “tuned in” and feel that they are being heard, they’ll talk. I know wayyyy more tea than I need to about junior high, and I’m also taking mental notes of the troublemakers and drama starters. It will serve me well in the high school years.
Keep doing what you’re doing - you sound grounded and reasonable and that’s what these kids need.
AggressiveCommand739@reddit
Exhausting, largely thankless, your patience will be tested. When your kids are doing well and happy it feels great. When they fight or do dumb shit it is draining. It also can effect your relationship with your wife in ways you can't predict. I love my kids dearly. They are great and mostly well behaved, but they are slobs and needy. Some days I just want a break and an hour to myself.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
my patiences is still being tested
Amazing-Treat-8706@reddit
I’m 47 with my first kid on the way this fall. I’ll let ya know 🤣. But seriously I can already say it delayed things all these once in a lifetime financial crises. I did not plan on doing this but only now that I’m almost 50 is my life stable enough to want a child.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
congrats, boy or girl?
OkBaconBurger@reddit
In some regards I feel bad that my first kid was the one I was figuring out all the parenting stuff with. The other ones won’t have to deal with that level of idiocy from me. I never even held a baby before I became a dad. Of course now I change diapers in my sleep. Ha.
Keep up the good fight. Keep doing your best.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how old are yours?
OkBaconBurger@reddit
Age 2 to 14.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
oh boy, interesting ages
OkBaconBurger@reddit
Yeah. There is a near 10 year gap between the oldest and the rest. It’s like having two families.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
yeah, how is that like?
Traditional_Entry183@reddit
There are a lot of parts of life that are hard, but being a Dad is one of the things I've got handled. My oldest daughter is almost 14 and the younger one is 11. I have a great relationship with both kids, and just as importantly my wife is the best friend I've ever had, and we waited until we'd been together for seven years before starting a family in our mid 30s. With all of the other chaos that's going on in the world, these three are my safe and happy place, and where I belong.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
those are tough ages, mine are similar ages
BasicReputations@reddit
No? I mean, it keeps you busy, but in a good way.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how so
realauthormattjanak@reddit
It's been an interesting contrast, because by the time I wsmy son's age I had seen every Vietnam war , Clint Eastwood, charles bronson, violent movie made available from the gas station for rental. My son won't even watch fske violence on tv, as we have to change the channel.
Happy-Network9011@reddit
My boys have been watching The Predator and T2 since they were 5 or 6. Gotta start them young lol. Born in 82 and had a video rental store right down the street. My parents are great but never paid attention to what we rented
speck_the_ride@reddit
Sounds about right. I was 5 when I got to watch predator. Lol I'm way more strict with my boys. My youngest who's 16 wants to watch Freddy got fingered. So far, it's a big NO. I need to know he's smart enough to take that information and not get his ass sent to the principals office
realauthormattjanak@reddit
My dad just watched whatever he wanted and if I happened to be in the room, whatever. No context for Charles bronson chasing a naked guy down the street or war movies with guys getting blown up.
Boring_Pace5158@reddit
Back in college, I had a roommate from Germany, he was shocked at the level of violence on American TV. He said Europeans look at violence on TV & movies the same way we look at sex in the media.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
interesting stuff
KeyFeeFee@reddit
My husband sometimes will joke when he’s overwhelmed, “My dad didn’t have to do this!!” Like changing diapers, putting kids to bed, solo parenting over a day or more. And it’s true! 80’s dads had to go to work and that’s it. Modern ones are expected to do a lot more. It’s definitely more equitable for us women, but I kinda get why it’s an adjustment lol
Kade7596@reddit
still looking forward to it 🥹
EndangeredDemocracy@reddit
As a rule, the more invested you are the more challenging the job becomes because you're exerting effort to give your child as close to an ideal outcome as possible.
Deadbeat dads would be the other end of the spectrum.
badger_breath@reddit
I was young when I had my kids. It was hard but worth it. Now they are in their late 20s, not married, still at home, they do have jobs and pay rent, but tough? Toughest part is remaining a good role model.
TMore108@reddit
The hardest part is when you're in a toxic marriage and you're the breadwinner and you do most of the household chores, childcare, and cooking because most of society will still blame me for my marriage being toxic. That sucks
ryguymcsly@reddit
It makes me real mad at my parents. I always knew they kinda sucked but now I know just how much they sucked. Like I'm here busting my ass to make a better life for my kids and I look back on my parents and I see them busting ass to make a better life for themselves like I was just an afterthought.
Weak_Radish966@reddit
It can be incredibly hard. As others have mentioned, there is no manual that comes with a kid. But, overall, of course, it is the best job there is. My kid is amazing and I am so lucky to be their dad!
BoltsGuy02@reddit
It’s had its hard moments but day-to-day pretty easy and amazing.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how old are yours?
BoltsGuy02@reddit
9 & 13
Intelligent-Search88@reddit
Great ages, mine are 10 and 12. They can do all the stuff I can do now, skiing, lacrosse, golf etc but are still young enough to not have the heavy stuff yet. I feel like we’re in a sweet spot because the baby stage has passed but the emotional stuff hasn’t really hit yet. They help around the house now, which is nice too.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
not bad, mine are similar
fixxer_s@reddit
Yes. Tough being alive though. 2 autistic spectrum. 1 queer. Survival worker class parents. Yeah, nothing prepares us for the reality of Mellencamp being right....life goes on long after the thrill is gone.
Mr-E-3345@reddit
I once heard a really good quote that stuck with me. Maybe it will with someone else here. “Raising children is the single most powerful thing you can do. But you need to learn how to emotionally regulate yourself as you teach them.” Like OP said we’re a generation who didn’t regularly deal with emotions. So now with my kids I have to figure out my emotions as I’m teaching them about them. It’s a trip but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
anhydrousslim@reddit
For me one of the hardest parts is the world we live in now kind of sucks, and even the relatively near term future is difficult to project. How am I supposed to help prepare them for a future that it seems no one really knows what it will be like? I don’t feel like our parents faced this with us - the answer was just “go to college”. Now it seems to be “be a plumber”, and while that will indeed be appropriate for some, it’s hard for me to accept that the trades are right for everyone. My daughter is really interested in screenwriting and filmmaking. Is that even possible or is it all just going to be AI in a few years?
She also openly speculates about thinking she may choose to not have kids as an adult. And honestly, I don’t blame her. If the world felt like this 15 years ago, I don’t know that I would have either.
Calbebes@reddit
This is where I am (mom, not dad, but similar experience I’m sure). Our one and only is 15 so we’re entering the years of future planning. It used to be “go to college”. Now it’s… 🤷🏻♀️
Ours also openly says she probably won’t have kids. Honestly with how effed up the world is right now, I don’t blame her at all.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
having kids is not easy
Synthea1979@reddit
As a mom with 2 exes, my 4 kids are 19-30. I got sole custody and neither are in their lives in any way. One by court order, but the other has had all the opportunity in the world to make contact and doesn't, even though he's on one of their Facebook pages and could. Just not interested.
So my thought is, if you're there, if you're trying, and if your kids come to you with problems, you're doing alright. All that really matters is that they know you love them and that you're present in their lives.
FoppyDidNothingWrong@reddit
It's like fighting a multifront war with no Allies. The toxic part is having the spouse try to undermind you at every step. You do make it out the other end stronger and more respected.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
yeah its very toxic
mtmtnmike@reddit
Yes and no. I think it’s probably different and difficult for every generation. I didn’t have my two kids until my later 30s, so in some ways it’s been easier than if I had them younger. But then there are some days I feel like Atticus Finch. Especially when some of my former students are in my parenting cohort; kind of strange.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how old are they now?
mtmtnmike@reddit
6 and 8
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
still very young
DailyShowerCry@reddit
It has been a challenge,that's for sure. But as I get older, I find myself meditating/ praying for patience and wisdom instead of success and happiness.
My boomer parents tried their best, but sought material things for a long time.
As I get older as a father, I appreciate their sacrifices but strive to do my kids better.
Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. But if I can keep them safe, I've done most of my job
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
patience's is a must nowadays
Voluntary_Perry@reddit
My kids are amazing. Parenting is pretty easy.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
how old?
Voluntary_Perry@reddit
16 and 12
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
mine are similar age
tacofever@reddit
Imagine how hard it is/is going to be for Zillenials/GenZ who were raised by iPads and YouTube. Not to mention growing up in the age of being confused by all the talk of girl power and discussions around toxic masculinity, identity politics, etc. Can't be easy for them, and this all coincides with the "male loneliness epidemic" (quotes not intended to diminish the reality or importance of that).
I felt adequately prepared for fatherhood, or as much as one can be, though I imagine I, like many, are lacking some more practical skills our parents would have had (woodworking, car maintenance, etc.).
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
its about to be horrible
GustavSnapper@reddit
I like probably a bunch of people in our group had my folks divorce. I was 11 and it was an ugly divorce. I never had any contact with my old man from 12-25. We’re good and close now but I had no father figure to teach me all the generational shit my mates had, I just had to figure it out myself. It was just my mum and she tried so hard for us, not without her flaws but she’s still the best mum.
I guess I kinda took over that protective male figure for my two younger sisters. I had no idea what I was doing but I cared and looked out for them even into their early adulthood. I guess being in a house with 3 girls equipped me with a lot of extra life knowledge a lot of my guy mates may not have. The real shame is they both went down a shitty path, I tried maybe for way too long to help them at the expense of my own wellbeing, but they didn’t want it, so now it’s basically just me and mum and dad. Obviously my parents haven’t talked in 30+ years so things like our wedding and birth of our kids was awkward as fuck.
I’ve done my absolute best to shield my two kids from the childhood I had growing up, comparatively speaking they live in wonderland, but they’ve also had it insanely hard too, our son is ASD, my daughter developed a some mental health issues and an eating disorder due to an extreme bullying incident that required police intervention. Add in Covid and myself getting diagnosed with bowel cancer (currently NED) during Covid and shit is just kinda fucky.
But they’re great kids and they’re happy and loved. I think the loved part is the most critical part.
Sometimes I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but when I get a bit lost I just do what’s the best outcome for the kids. I’m not perfect either, but who is right?
All you can do is try your hardest for the best outcomes, show them love and affection and strength. You don’t have to be their friends, just the ever present rock.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
great experience and advice, for me its been hard being a father
GustavSnapper@reddit
Yeah man, it’s genuinely the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do.
mrbreadman1234@reddit (OP)
stay strong cause I know you are struggling as well, if you ever need somebody to chat with I am open