ULPT request: how to make someone co-dependent?
Posted by FriendshipKitchen399@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 16 comments
Ok so I know I shouldn’t do this under normal circumstances. I’ll share a bit of backstory.
I’ve known this girl for a few years now. I told her I was starting to develop feelings for her and I wanted to not see her anymore because she was vulnerable and I didn’t want to take advantage of her from a recent BAD breakup. She pulled me in emotionally and asked me to wait for her (I agreed, my error). A few months passed and I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore because my feelings had grown. Either we would pursue something real or I’d back off for good this time. She decided to not be with me so I told her this was it. I guess it triggered something in her because we hooked up after that. She told me we would not see each other again because, her words: “I don’t want to develop MORE feelings”. I decided absolute no-contact would be the best thing.
She reached out to me almost a year and a half later out of nowhere. I tried to be cold every time she messaged me but she kept being insistent without establishing anything clearly. She ended up opening up little by little and I asked her out on a real date. She said yes (finally!). I honestly thought she’d have thought things out and had grown these past few months. But the day before the date she told me she was hesitant and didn’t want a date (second time she’s been exited to talk things out and leaves me disappointed). We met up as a “hangout” and talked. I scolded her because she made me think she was open and she wasn’t. I told her that since she didn’t want anything, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. Again, she got triggered somehow and we hooked up again. We decided we’d just see each other casually and the sex has been great for the past couple months . We both REALLY enjoy it but she’s in a stage where I feel the disconnect. She pretends she doesn’t enjoy this and is “doing me a favor”. I’ve honestly changed my mind about her and I don’t have feelings, but she’s just playing games at this point. She also “tests” me like if we were in a real (toxic) relationship.
ULPT request: how can I make her co-dependent? I don’t want a real relationship with her but she hurt me in the past and I want her to feel the same. I don’t want to “hurt” her in a sense, but I want her to be attached to me like I was to her in the past. She feels like she decides when things happen and I’m tired of it. Should I just be cold instead? I know I could just walk away but honestly we both know each other in bed VERY well and we both match each other’s freak.
kevinh456@reddit
It's unethical to tell you off like this, therefore this is an "unethical" life pro-tip.
Quit being an incel little bitch. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?
First of all, you do not want a co-dep relationship. The "co" implies that you are also part of it. Co-dep means that you are CO-dependent on EACH OTHER. You can't leave her because you need whatever thing she's giving you as much as the other way around. You are both trapped and denied agency, even if you consent.
Second, what the fuck? Why are you being cold to her? She likes you. She came back after a year and and a half and is still interested. She got over her shit and she still likes you. You're being fucking stupid bro. You're more focused on your butthurt than the fact that she actually is interested in you! JFC dude.
Third, if you got attached to her in the past, that's on you. Why are you trying to punish HER for YOUR feelings? She didn't make you feel those things; your body and your brain did. Own your own feelings and thoughts. Own your attraction.
Fourth, has she SAID "I'm doing you a favor" or do you think she IMPLIED that? Maybe she's just turned down because she liked you and you're being a dick. Stop mistreating her. You are trying to punish her for your feelings and thoughts. You backed off which is respectful and then she comes back when she's ready and you're a dick? Grow up.
Finally, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MAKING CHOICES FOR HER OR DICTATING HER FEELINGS. If she wants to be with you after a break-up, take the fucking win bro. If you're a rebound, enjoy the fucking ride. If she COMES BACK after a year and a half, respect her feelings. Life is short. Emotions are fleeting. You may never get a chance to feel something again. Carpe Diem motherfucker.
Full stop: you fucked up.
What you're going to do right the fuck now is go to her and say:
Your perspective changes at 40. Quit being a little fucking cunt.
FriendshipKitchen399@reddit (OP)
You know how they say to post the wrong information on the internet, and someone will correct you? That’s what’s going on lol. I didn’t want to reply in the comments so I still get possible replies.
Look, I know the way I’m thinking is wrong. I’m not here to justify myself. Maybe it’s just to vent to a stranger. It’s not that she’s told me that she’s doing me a favor, but whenever I initiate, she makes me feel like a creep. Straight up like a creep. But she expects me to be available whenever she needs it and wants me to fulfill HER fantasies. And believe me when I tell you I’ve been the opposite of cold and that’s the problem. The closer I get, and the warmer I get, the more she takes me for granted and pushes me away. It’s true what she said about not wanting to develop more feelings. I’ve even applied it to sex, where I just don’t even pay attention to her and she performs even better and finishes more times. That’s what scares me, that I’m “learning” to be cold and I’ll lose myself. I’ve been thinking of just being cold with her but I know it’s not healthy.
Thanks for your input on the matter. It may not exactly reflect what’s going on, but I did need to hear some things.
For your point number one, I already did that, the very first day I saw her again. I did it out of impulse and didn’t think it would be “necessary” but I apologized for making her feel pressured to reciprocate my feelings after a recent breakup. Point 2, well I haven’t really been cold haha. It’s just that whenever I would try to finish the conversation, she would try to extend it. This is what eventually led to her opening up more and that’s when I asked her out on a date. Point 3, here’s where I feel things have gone downhill. She wants us to hang out like friends but she knows that it’s bad for me because I may develop more feelings for her. I told her that I’d be fine with it if I don’t invest emotionally in those times. I just wouldn’t show it but that she’s very special to me and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. I had told her this in the past and she didn’t believe me so I told her all those things I ever said were always true. I thought that giving her that information would make her feel safe but no, I guess it makes her feel like she’s drowning and that’s the exact moment she’s started pushing me away. Yet again.
I’ve reflected and I think I’ll stop seeing her. I guess there’s some people in this world who love being treated a certain way (and blame others for treating them “wrong”) but that’s what they respond to in the end. I’m not one to dismiss someone who I care about, even though she does it to me and I guess it’s her love language.
kevinh456@reddit
Ethical pro tips incoming.
FriendshipKitchen399@reddit (OP)
It’s just hard navigating all this. This whole past week she acted disrespectful towards me. I planned a trip because she wanted to try something new and I agreed. But this all started with her first cancelling a meetup on Wednesday but she asked if we could meet on Friday, “but you have only one hour” is what she said. Then she canceled Friday. And the trip was this weekend. I confirmed and double-confirmed her schedule for the trip and she agreed since two weeks ago. But then she said she would be available five hours later than planned in Saturday, then a few days later she said she had to get back home by Sunday night instead of Monday midday. At this point I feel like she’s just bread crumbing me and it’s disappointing. I told her it wasn’t ok to keep changing plans and I cancelled the whole trip. Maybe she’s taking me for granted and I hate it. I think this is where it ends. She has no sense of accountability and I’m pretty sure she thinks it’s all my fault because “she’s busy all the time” and I’m the one who should be understanding. Just because I can manage my time better, doesn’t mean it’s worth any less. She hasn’t even apologized for changing plans.
Hey, thanks for listening and all the time you’ve dedicated to responding. I really appreciate it.
kevinh456@reddit
I appreciate that you said thank you. I kind of ignored the reply for a few days but when I saw the thank you I felt compelled to reply.
Look. I’ve been where you are and I study people.
Some people are flaky. Some people disappear then come back. Life is complex. Some people find it hard to connect; they’re scared. Some people have wanderlust. And, the reality is that people die. They’re just gone.
She sounds very spontaneous. She also sounds anxious. Some people are like that. That’s just the way she is. She wanted to try something new. What was the conversation like after she said that. Did she tell you what? Maybe there was a disconnect? I would let her tell you what she wants. Ask questions and let her create the plan.
I can tell you for certain that I flake out on shit because life is unpredictable and complicated. Things happen. You never know what’s going to happen day to day—that things and people you took for granted could be gone forever. People can leave this world in an instant—we never know the day. Carpe diem. Cherish every second with every creature you meet.
And, to be honest, she may have you “on the hook.” That means she wants the safety you provide while also having the chance to explore. That’s not a bad thing if you understand what’s going on. It means you get to support someone on their journey. It means you are helping her grow.
But it sounds like it is hurting you too. Believe me I know the pain. The pain made you ask for unethical life pro-tips and drove my answers. That’s OK too. You can and should acknowledge that and set boundaries. Clearly safe person isn’t the kind of relationship you want. Thats honest.
The great thing here friend, is that you have a choice and it doesn’t involve anything unethical.
Accept that she’s spontaneous. It can be very fun but stressful. When she floats your way, enjoy the moment. When she floats away, make plans. Accept that you are not spontaneous. Make other plans. Cultivate the garden of your life. Do things where anyone who isn’t with you is missing out.
Ultimately the solution to this is inside yourself. It’s called radical acceptance. You have to accept how life actually IS, not what you want or imagine. Accept she is loosely attached. Accept that you have control and can accept that. Accept that she’s not forever but you can enjoy the ride. Don’t commit more than she does.
You have the choice to think about this forever. The reality is that it’s not healthy. Do things that make you feel good. Avoid things that don’t. Eat your vegetables. No seriously colon cancer is on the rise in ever younger populations.
Good luck dude. Relax. The fact that you’re safe for one woman means someone will feel safe with you long term. Go find her.
kevinh456@reddit
reply edited because reddit was being stupid
Classic_Field7400@reddit
This 👆
agreeable_burn@reddit
You can’t make her co-dependent. If you were even vaguely capable of that type of psychological manipulation, you wouldn’t be asking in a group like this of all places 🤦🏼♀️
It isn’t a bad thing from a regular perspective that you really are not that type of person. It is obvious from your post that you do still have strong feelings for this girl and that ultimately, you’re hurt by what she has done. She is making you feel used, because you’re being used. You’re just a place holder in her mind until something better comes along, that’s why she wont commit. She will continue to use sex as a means to keep you on the hook until she moves on.
It isn’t unethical but the best thing you can do, is move on and absolutely refuse to engage with her sexually. She’ll throw herself at you. Repeat the words. “I am seeing someone.” And “ I’m not willing to throw things away with her.” Even if you’re not seeing anyone, get it into your head now that you are.
Do NOT have sex with her. Do not buy into the bullshit she will start saying that she will now be in a relationship with you. It is a lie. You are not important to her. She doesn’t have those feelings for you and didn’t just magically develop them. She’s proven that.
Stop letting someone treat you like shit just for some pussy. I mean is it really that difficult to meet someone else??
kevinh456@reddit
> If you were even vaguely capable of that type of psychological manipulation, you wouldn’t be asking in a group like this of all places
Seriously. If you're not pitting four potential defendants against each other in a corporate clusterfuck what are you even doing with your life?
agreeable_burn@reddit
Not having much fun it would seem 🤷🏼♀️
FriendshipKitchen399@reddit (OP)
I don’t want to sound like I’m making up excuses but yeah, it’s a bit hard to meet other girls. I’m mildly autistic and am very, very socially clueless. Imagine this though, I always over think everything and I guess she senses that somehow. Because it makes me seem insecure and that’s obviously not attractive. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking and I think the ONLY reason we hooked up was because the stars aligned, so to speak. She was vulnerable from her breakup, I’m a very good listener (emphasis on the word listener) and I guess it made her feel seen. Also, she’s exactly my type. And lastly, her “trauma” (her words) led to her feeling like she’d lost me when I tried to walk away. I’ve never dated or even had sex before her (im in my 30s btw) and honestly have never had the desire to do so. I focus on other things. She’s the one who made sexual advances which lead to us hooking up.
I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life and having a child of my own was my dream all my life, but now I see that she’ll just walk all over me and I don’t like that. I guess I’ll just be alone instead of attracting “broken” people.
FriendshipKitchen399@reddit (OP)
You know how they say to post the wrong information on the internet, and someone will correct you? That’s what’s going on lol. I didn’t want to reply in the comments so I still get possible replies but you have DMs disabled so this will do.
Look, I know the way I’m thinking is wrong. I’m not here to justify myself. Maybe it’s just to vent to a stranger. It’s not that she’s told me that she’s doing me a favor, but whenever I initiate, she makes me feel like a creep. Straight up like a creep. But she expects me to be available whenever she needs it and wants me to fulfill HER fantasies. And believe me when I tell you I’ve been the opposite of cold and that’s the problem. The closer I get, and the warmer I get, the more she takes me for granted and pushes me away. It’s true what she said about not wanting to develop more feelings. I’ve even applied it to sex, where I just don’t even pay attention to her and she performs even better and finishes more times. That’s what scares me, that I’m “learning” to be cold and I’ll lose myself. I’ve been thinking of just being cold with her but I know it’s not healthy.
Thanks for your input on the matter. It may not exactly reflect what’s going on, but I did need to hear some things.
For your point number one, I already did that, the very first day I saw her again. I did it out of impulse and didn’t think it would be “necessary” but I apologized for making her feel pressured to reciprocate my feelings after a recent breakup. Point 2, well I haven’t really been cold haha. It’s just that whenever I would try to finish the conversation, she would try to extend it. This is what eventually led to her opening up more and that’s when I asked her out on a date. Point 3, here’s where I feel things have gone downhill. She wants us to hang out like friends but she knows that it’s bad for me because I may develop more feelings for her. I told her that I’d be fine with it if I don’t invest emotionally in those times. I just wouldn’t show it but that she’s very special to me and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. I had told her this in the past and she didn’t believe me so I told her all those things I ever said were always true. I thought that giving her that information would make her feel safe but no, I guess it makes her feel like she’s drowning and that’s the exact moment she’s started pushing me away. Yet again.
I’ve reflected and I think I’ll stop seeing her. There’s just people in the world who love being treated a certain way but I’m not one to dismiss her, even though she does it to me.
EnglishBeatsMath@reddit
Find a pair of socks, preferably large ones for comfort.
Then, put on the socks.
Then, STOP SIMPING!!!!!!!!!!!!
RareExplanation7626@reddit
Asking something like this is weird behavior doggie. You still have a chance to delete it.
Notsohiddenfox@reddit
Find a pair of socks, preferably large ones for comfort.
Second, put one of the socks over your head and put the second one in your pocket. cover as much if yourself with the sock as possible.
Third, go to your nearest laundromat and find the largest washer or dryer.
Fourth, ensure you prepare one of the machines for operation.
Firfth: with the other sock in hand, enter the machine and operate it. You can let that sock move freely.
It is guaranteed one sock will be forever lost. With luck it's the one you're in.
kevinh456@reddit
My unethical lpt was unethically calling him out as an incel bitch and telling him to quit being a cunt