ULPT -Need to get out of event
Posted by Grouchy_Assistant_75@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 48 comments
Hi. So every year my partners family has a big summer gathering. It's long. It's boring. I get stuck watching the kid as no one else pays him any attention. Here's the thing. I really don't want to go this year. I also think my wife should go since she's looked forward to summer since the spring weekend we spent with them. (Yes, that's every year too). Help me with a good last minute ute reason, illness, etc.
Dasrule@reddit
You have to go to work for an HR review. Your nervous but pretty sure if your on time and bite your tongue you will get through it ok. Now book yourself a nice spa day.
DadsNads-6969@reddit
Wxplosive diarrhea
ayejoe@reddit
Yes,this. Take 4 or 5 dulcolax and buckle up.
Effective-Window-922@reddit
You know you can just lie about explosive diarrhea, right? Nobody is going to be like, I don't believe you unless I see liquid poo coming out of your butt
ayejoe@reddit
If you prefer to work in half measures, be my guest. I prefer to remove any chance of doubt.
AC_Batman@reddit
Sneak a half empty squeeze bottle of ketchup into the wc. Proceed to live out your dream of becoming the greatest gastrointestinal Foley artist the world has ever known.
kungfucook9000@reddit
😳😂😂😂
CrowWarrior@reddit
That's been done to death. Mix it up a bit and try implosive diarrhea.
victor4700@reddit
Everybody not suggesting diarrhea is doing it wrong. Lactose intolerance probably the easiest way.
ColdSmashedPotatoes4@reddit
Nobody ever questions diarrhea.
stabbingrabbit@reddit
Go to the pharmacy. Get magnesium citrate (a laxitive) and syrup of ipicac. Eat at a restaurant the day before event. Morning drink the magnesium citrate. Right before you leave use a little ipicac . Say you have food poisoning. You will have it coming out both ends.
MertylTheTurtyl@reddit
Look up "colonoscopy prep"- 1 entire small bottle of mirilax, Gatorade powder and 32oz of water. Mix and down the hatch. You'll understand the phrase the colonoscopy clinic calls "pooping clear" and have a rough 12 hours but no one will want you at the event.
CalabreseAlsatian@reddit
The taste of that stuff is punishment for our sins
Ok_Effort9915@reddit
They don’t sell ipecac over the counter in the US anymore and it has been phased out of production almost everywhere.
royale_wthCheEsE@reddit
Positive Covid test. Maybe find a photo online of one. Or get one and draw a line on it to make it show positive. Pretend to have the symptoms for a few days .
L1ndsL@reddit
This works. I’ve got students that used it on less gullible professors. They just found an image of a positive test online and sent it on with their apologies.
ameis314@reddit
Screenshot the pic you find to remove the original photos geo data.
The_Twig_Snapper@reddit
More like the most gullible
L1ndsL@reddit
Yes, I misspoke. That’s what happens when I post before morning coffee. Thanks for the catch!
Intrepid-Pear9120@reddit
Eat exlax the day before and take one for the team... be a man
ColdSmashedPotatoes4@reddit
I mean, if you're gonna exlax yourself, might as well get some magnesium citrate. Bowel prep sounds that come out of the bathroom are not nice sounding.
Intrepid-Pear9120@reddit
This guy exlaxes
ColdSmashedPotatoes4@reddit
I've had 4 colonoscopies. Yeah, prep is bad. But it beats the alternative of possibly dying from the bs that runs in my family.
mysteriouscattravel@reddit
Type out a letter making some wild accusations about family members and impropriety and mail it (like stamp and everything) to multiple family members. Send anonymously.
Now you want to go to the family gathering.
Then piss disk.
Anagoth9@reddit
Go to the event
Get blackout drunk
Don't get invited back
Win-win
ggcpres@reddit
Ethical: tell your partner you don't wanna but ask her to tell your family you had to work/wasn't feeling well.
Unethical: use food coloring to give yourself fake pink eye.
Stupid: Fuck your sister-in-law, drop the sex tape publicly. You'll never have to go to another family function ever again.
Nearby_Dig_2398@reddit
Have sex with your wife. Accidentally say your mother-in-laws name. Or anyone else at that gathering.
ArtichokeStroke@reddit
Just take a laxative night before. Blow the toilet up all through the night/day.
Article_Even@reddit
Truth.
GuitarHair@reddit
By far, positive covid test
UserCheckNamesOut@reddit
Somewhere like 20 years ago, I think it was Esquire Magazine published a graphic depicting you at the center of your life and all the types of people that are around you in a circle. And the illustration showed who to lie about when needing to get out of plans with someone. So, if employer asks, and ya donwanna, lie about your parents. If it's the spouses family, lie about your boss. It was elegant and useful.
Far_Restaurant_66@reddit
I say go to the event and do what every high school kid does - wear a hoodie, pull up the hood, so no one can see that you’re wearing earbuds.
Support your partner, go to the event, but add something to do on the way to the event or while you’re driving home that you really want to do.
Phathed_b4itwascool@reddit
Diarrhea, nobody questions big D.
DGAFADRC@reddit
Big D. 👀🥳👀
XemptOne@reddit
throw your back out, or atleast pretend it, even grimace when you try to walk or sit down and stand up, etc... dont do this until the day before you leave though, so you dont have to carry it out for too long...
DGAFADRC@reddit
If you want it to be believable, you need to be in pain two days before the event. Then express to your SO how much you hope you will be feeling better by the day of the event. Too bad that you aren’t feeling better day of 🤷♀️
SneeKeeFahk@reddit
Lol I didn't see your suggestion before I posted mine. You know what they say about great minds lol. I'll leave mine up but just know that in my heart I know you were first.
XemptOne@reddit
haha i wouldve never known
SneeKeeFahk@reddit
Oh no! You threw your back out lifting the kids into the car again? That's awful. Hopefully your wife and kids can still have a great time while you rest on the couch.
DGAFADRC@reddit
Stay away from the Cheetos!
alienheron@reddit
Commit a few crimes. Sorry, I can't go, in jail. Please pass bucket around for bail.
Relative-Wallaby-931@reddit
Broken bones don't hurt that much and there's nothing like a freshly splinted limb to give you an excuse to stay home. I recommend the leg since it's a mobility issue. Stay away from hands/feet - that hurts a lot more and you don't want to have to spend time with a surgeon.
-YellowFinch@reddit
How would you suggest to break this bone?
SneeKeeFahk@reddit
I've heard wu-tang clan ain't nothing to fuck with so maybe fuck with them a little bit.
healthcrusade@reddit
Can confirm. Fucked with Wu Tang
Relative-Wallaby-931@reddit
A 10-12 foot fall while flailing wildly usually works for ankle/leg
Surfing on a bobsled hitched to a three wheeler at high speed took care of it for me
Pinched between truck and trailer did it for a kid I went to school with
Cold-Lynx575@reddit
Support your partner. Find a friend at the event. Last time I discovered my nephew was a cool dude.
Leave a piss disc. Maybe you won’t be invited back.
obikofix@reddit
That sudden hemorrhoids spike, coupled with positive COVID won't add a positive vibes to that gathering