when are Americans not direct?

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A_Likely_Story4U@reddit

Most polite requests are indirect questions, as in, “would you mind closing the window?” Vs “close the window please.”

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Spare-Anxiety-547@reddit

I would say when you are in the midwest, you will find a lot of people are not direct.

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Silence may sometimes be a sign of disapproval or disagreement. If you’re talking passionately about a subject on which we disagree, I may choose not to say anything rather than disagree with you, especially if we have a limited or strained relationship.

It may also be a response to inappropriate or bad behavior, meant to make you take a moment and reflect on your poor behavior. If someone is crashing out as I’m waiting their table, remaining silent usually causes the customer to self-reflect and realize how much of an ass they’re being.

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Emergency_Revenue678@reddit

Silence may sometimes be meant as a sign of disapproval.

Silence is, in fact, a sign of tacit approval.

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Faette@reddit

This is so not true. Lol. There is nothing that expresses contempt quite as well as a well placed silence.

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khelvaster@reddit

Exactly

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Embarrassed-Lead6471@reddit

I disagree. Non-verbal communication comprises a majority of our communication. Your action matters more than your words, sometimes.

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Emergency_Revenue678@reddit

Actions are a form of speech.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

Silence is, in all ways that matter*, a sign of tacit approval.

Sad, but true. Bullies almost always interpret other people’s silence as approval.

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Dry-Tomorrow8531@reddit

I was going to say too, in the South especially our state to me, it's a class marker.

As in it's viewed as being low class if you're very confrontational "I'm gonna tell you what I think about you!!!! You gonna hear what I GOT TO SAY!!!" While upper class, people tend to not be very confrontational and in social situations, even among friends will make nuance gestures and passive comments with deeper meaning... But then attack the person outside of the public setting " behind their back" so to speak

I will say though I don't agree with the behind the back stuff but especially in matters of raising children or dealing with an issue among a friend. It is better to remove the person from the group setting and confront the person individually without an audience. As opposed to a lot of people who will scream at their child and embarrass them in public over something. I take " white trash" stance if it's somebody I don't like though and will absolutely be as confrontational as all get out and have no problem shaming them in front of other people if I feel they deserve it.

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ScatterTheReeds@reddit

it's a class marker.

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ZaphodG@reddit

It depends. Socially, I'm polite to everyone. My father had a medical practice in the community. I had it drilled into me that being an A-Hole in public is bad for business. I have a well developed mute button.

Professionally, I never had that luxury. I spent my career as a very senior engineer in tech startups. I never had any option but to be direct. That also includes all those times I was the one who got it wrong. There's no ego in it. Nobody is omnipotent. I expect to be challenged on things. I learned something. It helps the group succeed.

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It’s definitely a balancing act. I’ve spent all but 4 years of my life in Georgia. My friends from the northeast say things to me that I have learned not to take any particular way, but if these things were said by my friends from here and other parts of the south I would assume that they hate me.

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Darkdragoon324@reddit

the key is learning that you don’t have to share every opinion you hold.

And then social media came along and set us waaaaaay back on this aspect.

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I use silence in negotiations. Many sales folk will fill the air with their voice, so I let them. Sometimes they talk themselves into my plans, sometimes I say nothing because I need to think, and they talk themselves into a different route.

Yeah, something I realized living overseas is that US culture is broadly built on a deep value for respect - I think a lot of Europeans don't get our concept of ethnic identity, because they expect minorities to submit to the majority.

But American culture is largely based on an idea of showing respect for people's culture and identity - in addition to more mundane things like respecting people's time and space, which extends to their physical bodies.

Basically, we consider it extremely rude - even straight up racist - to go around telling people "You're different and I don't like it." Anything like that is going to be approached indirectly in our culture.

Where it gets difficult - and especially difficult for foreigners to understand - is when our respect is extended to positive things - like, going on and on about how someone's cultural item - food or clothing or name or whatever - is just so unique and interesting!

A lot of foreigners don't get how that could be rude - it's a compliment, right??? - but that's part of American respect - drawing attention to someone's differences, even when trying to be positive - isn't respectful to that person. They can speak for themselves if they want you to notice.

I think all of this can be really hard for foreigners because "Oh, you Americans are so obsessed with race you can't even say anything nice to someone!" But it's just like, dude, just act normal around people.

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shakeyshake1@reddit

Wait I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

I’m an American and I can say things like:

“I love your hair” to a black woman who has a hairstyle I couldn’t have as a white woman.

Or “this is delicious! What’s it called? Can you share the recipe?” about an ethnic dish I’ve never had before.

Or “your outfit is beautiful” to someone who is wearing an outfit from another cultural background.

I feel like I missed your point. Can you give me an example of the sort of comment that wouldn’t be appropriate in America but would be appropriate elsewhere?

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Important-Hat-Man@reddit

Gonna be really blunt and say that I feel like you're being purposefully obtuse here, because 1) the examples you gave are clearly begging the question that you're already having a polite conversation with these people, in which case - yes, you can say those things and 2) the answer to your question is just "basic social skills."

the sort of comment that wouldn’t be appropriate in America but would be appropriate elsewhere?

Because I didn't say anything about comments that would be appropriate in another culture but inappropriate in ours - I'm not making cross-cultural comparisons. So I'm not really sure how to answer. But I'll try.

I’m an American and I can say things like: “I love your hair” to a black woman who has a hairstyle I couldn’t have as a white woman.

I mean, can you? Would you do this during a business meeting? Would you say it to your boss? Your subordinate? Would you start a job interview by saying this to the interviewer?

Who are you saying this to and where? And when? Are you already having a conversation with the person or are you saying this to random people? Do you know this person? Do they want you to draw attention to their hair?

Or “this is delicious! What’s it called? Can you share the recipe?” about an ethnic dish I’ve never had before.

Again, who are you talking to? Did you just go up to a coworker eating their lunch to demand the recipe for their food? Why do you feel entitled to know the recipe? Do you know this person? How did it get in your mouth?

The thing is, people can spot tourists and fetishizers. Going up to a random "ethnic" person to demand the recipe to the food they're eating is EXTREMELY rude in American culture - going up to random "ethnic" people to compliment them is dubious - again, who are you and why do you feel entitled? They're busy doing things, why do you feel entitled to their time?

Like, what's your motivation? Is this performative? Are you just desperately showing off how much of an ally you are? Are you using these people as props to make you feel better about yourself?

But I also can't name a culture where that would be appropriate, because that's not really the point. It's accepted as normal in places like Japan where singling out minorities isn't taboo, but it's not appropriate, and that's not anything I said.

If you're actually an adult American woman, this is all basic social skills. "When is it appropriate to say these things?" You're supposed to learn that as a child. Again, that's the "high context" nature of it - you're supposed to already know when and where those comments are inappropriate.

Like, yes, you can say those things in the appropriate context, but the fact that you're asking why you can't say those things tells me that you don't know the appropriate context.

So I feel like what you're actually doing here is playing dumb as a "gotcha," but the actual answer to your question is "Think for two seconds and you'll understand."

The tl:dr is what I already said: just act normal around people.

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captainpro93@reddit

I think salaries is a big one. I feel like Americans really like to pretend like they make a lot less money than they do, and just give a big general range.

I think everyone knew what everyone else was making at my old firms, which made it easier to ask for raises. Here, it feels kind of taboo to discuss salaries even amongst coworkers, and people resort to using sites like levelsfyi instead to figure out the industry average.

Everyone here just says something like "low six figures" or "mid six figures" but everyone also has a different definition of what they consider "low" and "mid." Others will say "low six figures" but everyone knows they're senior staff at FAANG so they're just discounting anything other than base salary, which is just a fraction of their total comp.

People will live in a studio apartment and pretend like they're barely getting by and then they invite you to Korean thanksgiving and you find out they're making at least 300k base 300k bonus when their parents start bragging about their promotion.

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shakeyshake1@reddit

A lot of people who come from humble beginnings don’t want to ostracize themselves from people who aren’t as successful.

I mean does anyone really want to tell their friend that makes $40k that they make $300k? And does the friend who makes $300k really even want to know that their other friend makes $750k?

Income is only really relevant when you’re doing planned activities with people. In my friend group, the best thing to do is budget activities according to the poorest person in the group.

People who don’t have money are often too proud to accept freebies anyway. You can’t make that feeling go away by pointing out that you can pay for them since you make $300k and they only make $40k, it would just make it worse. You can sometimes slip freebies through with white lies or partial truths by saying things like “well I was going to go anyway, so it doesn’t cost anything extra for you to come with me” or “I got these tickets for free” or whatever. But people generally don’t like to be spoiled by rich friends.

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captainpro93@reddit

I think its more for salary comparisons than planning activities. It doesn't really come up outside of people looking for a new job. I think reference points are important when it comes to negotiating and levels gives a pretty general range for some firms that might not be as helpful. The difference between 350k and 400k can be quite significant, for example, and knowing what bonuses to expect and how they're determined could be a pretty big deciding factor in whether or not you take a position, since firms can be intentionally vague about bonuses beyond the initial signing bonus. You also want to know how much you could make at senior since some firms favour internal while others can facilitate lateral moves pretty well (like Linkedin->Microsoft depending on what team you're on.)

We don't really go crazy on luxuries so cost hasn't really been a concern for us when it comes to going on vacations together, and there's not peer pressure to buy anything.

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Tricky_Ad_1870@reddit

Plus I think most Americans recognize "your English is much better than my (fill-in-the-blank second language" or "Your English is impressive because I'm monolingual".

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Important-Hat-Man@reddit

Exactly. It's actually a very high context thing, because most Americans (are expected) to know better than to say stuff like that because of our shared cultural value of "don't single people out for being different from you."

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Important-Hat-Man@reddit

Yeah, something I realized living overseas is that US culture is broadly built on a deep value for respect - I think a lot of Europeans don't get our concept of ethnic identity, because they expect minorities to submit to the majority.

But American culture is largely based on an idea of showing respect for people's culture and identity - in addition to more mundane things like respecting people's time and space, which extends to their physical bodies.

Basically, we consider it extremely rude - even straight up racist - to go around telling people "You're different and I don't like it." Anything like that is going to be approached indirectly in our culture.

Where it gets difficult - and especially difficult for foreigners to understand - is when our respect is extended to positive things - like, going on and on about how someone's cultural item - food or clothing or name or whatever - is just so unique and interesting!

A lot of foreigners don't get how that could be rude - it's a compliment, right??? - but that's part of American respect - drawing attention to someone's differences, even when trying to be positive - isn't respectful to that person. They can speak for themselves if they want you to notice.

I think all of this can be really hard for foreigners because "Oh, you Americans are so obsessed with race you can't even say anything nice to someone!" But it's just like, dude, just act normal around people.

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TheAbstractHero@reddit

Bro has never been to the Midwest.

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NPHighview@reddit

I had a business trip to my company’s Japanese office to tell them that we were switching from Lotus Notes to Microsoft Exchange. They were NOT happy about the change.

They kept saying “Yes” but with their eyes and body language, the “no” was loud and clear.

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G00dSh0tJans0n@reddit

In the south, when it is time for someone to leave either party tends to be not very direct about it. Stand up and say, "welp, looks to be getting pretty late..."

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Help1Ted@reddit

I’ve noticed in the south they are very indirect in general. Even speaking you may hear “that smells good” when meaning they want to try some. As a somewhat outsider it’s hard to tell what exactly someone is saying. I would say sometimes I need a decoder ring just to decipher what’s actually being said or what someone might mean.

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dontforgettowriteme@reddit

I am from the South, born and raised, never lived anywhere else, and I cannot stand this component of the culture. It means people like me, who expect more directness, or who take people at their word, are perceived as rude in some social situations for unfair reasons.

A big one for me is the big dance people do at food gatherings. Host says to line up for food and everybody stands around because nobody wants to be first. So we're supposed to, what? Get in a big stand off over the buffet line and starve ourselves in the name of politeness? Gimme a plate and get outta the way, I'll get the line moving. And magically, if you do step up, people always follow you. If I'm the host and I say let's eat, I expect you to start filling your plate lol.

Dude, yes. It’s like this in the south, the Midwest, and parts of Anglo Canada. I think the impulse to anticipate other people’s needs and to try not to be an inconvenience is lovely in theory, but on the other hand it like USE YOUR DAMN WORDS PLEASE PEOPLE AREN’T MIND READERS

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jub-jub-bird@reddit

USE YOUR DAMN WORDS PLEASE PEOPLE AREN’T MIND READERS

They sort of are though when they all share the same culture with the same sahred cultural expectations and a shared vocabulary of unspoken or indirect cues for communicating around them. I think this is pretty common in most cultures when they're in a monocultural contexts.

But falls apart in a multicultural context because the people around you have different cultural expectations, different values, taboos and a different set of cues and double entendres to negotiate through them all without being explicit.... at all falls apart and people just have to be very explicit even if that would have been rude in their original culture... And so the coasts and especially the American northeast which is the most culturally diverse region which has been the entry point for successive waves of immigrants from all over the world for two centuries has developed a culture of extremely blunt and direct communication which would be considered rude in many other cultures.

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No-Lawfulness-6569@reddit

It comes down to high-context vs low-context cultures. I remember taking an intercultural communications class at an east coast university and being surprised to hear America being considered a low-context culture. I grew up in rural Oklahoma and spent quite a bit of time in Alabama and the people I interacted with were not low-context. I wish they were, because after having experienced both, it is easier to just be direct.

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a22x2@reddit

Right, I think the problem is when people have that monoculture that is clearly overlapping with other cultures and they expect people to know their unspoken norms.

This is the same all over the country.

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Popular-Local8354@reddit

It’s definitely a Midwestern and southern thing

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NoKindnessIsWasted@reddit

My grandfather who was born in the 1800s and a Yankee did that. Back in the 1970s when the drop in was common and I was dying to leave I waited anxiously for the knee slap.

It's so true. I'm a Bostonian and I genuinely think directness avoids soooooo much conflict and misunderstanding. I do not like duplicitous people. Midwestern people feel duplicitous to me. I do not trust them. We might not be cuddly people in Boston, but you can trust that when we are being kind, there's no ulterior motives or backtalk.

If they’re from the Cascadian states, they generally aren’t direct. Washingtonians and Oregonians, especially those from the west side of those states, tend not to be nearly as direct as other Americans. The large amount of East Asian influence there is likely the cause.

Source: I grew up in Oregon and lived in Washington for ten years.

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AnybodySeeMyKeys@reddit

Southerners are typically not.

If I can be insufferably highbrow here for a second, there's an anthropological concept known as High Context and Low Context cultures. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures

High Context cultures rely on various ways to communicate aside from words. Things like shared values, etiquette, and traditions serve to provide subtext. So the communication can appear subtle or even baffling to someone outside that culture.

Low Context cultures typically have more direct communication through words, leaving no doubt about what is being said.

For example, when many people come to the South, they'll be confused by the interaction. Southerners tend to have finely calibrated social antennae. Because Southerners' default interaction with someone new is polite and receptive, which many confuse with being friendly. To Southerners, that's just good manners, while to someone from a Low Context society, it's an invitation for friendship.

If a Southern is choosing to escalate into friendship, they'll actively invite you to something such as dinner, a party, or the whatnot.

Meanwhile, if a Southerner doesn't like you, then they will typically just be civil. You really have to piss off a typical Southerner to have them be outright rude to you.

As a result, someone could have a very pleasant interaction with a Southerner, come away thinking they've made an instant friendship, and never hear from them again.

oliversisson@reddit (OP)

Do they also give out the vague invites and never follow up on it? like "you must come over some time for dinner"

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Important-Hat-Man@reddit

vague invites and never follow up on it?

That's not really an example of high/low context communication. A lot of people kinda misunderstand high context to just be any indirect speech, but it's not.

"You should come by some time" is just an empty pleasantry. It's neither high nor low context as much as it's just a thing you say to smooth over the conversation. It leads you into a new topic.

An example of a high context invite would be more like, "How's your potato salad?" It's a great honor to be allowed to bring the potato salad to a bbq, so that question communicates "I am considering you as a potato salad maker for my bbq, answer carefully." But only if you know the significance of potato salad. To an outsider, it's a meaningless question.

Try not to overthink this stuff. There are no cultural universals or universal human norms, but we all draw from the same cultural toolbox. You already know how this works, you just gotta figure out the new environment.

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High context communication relies on shared understanding - shared context - it's used to smooth over communication, e.g. your dad can pop his head in your bedroom and tell you, "Garbage is getting full..."

Now, your dad could throw his weight around and command you to take out the garbage. But he knows that you know it's your job, so he simply reminds you - gettin' pretty full there.

So labeling an entire culture high or low context is super misleading, because what you actually need to understand is when people use which type of communication.

Here in Japan, store clerks tend to be infuriatingly low context. You'll often ask for an item - say, red paint. The clerk will suck his teeth and say no, no red paint.

But if you go to the paint aisle and look for yourself - burgundy, crimson, sunburn, cherry - tons of red paint, but the clerk told you exactly what you asked and nothing more: none of those are "red."

If you came to Japan convinced the entire culture is high context all the time, the low context stuff will burn you out fast. Because it comes off as rude - "Why didn't he offer me crimson???"

And vice versa with people coming to the US. "Why is he so vague, I thought Americans were low context????"

“Don’t tell someone you don’t like something, it would be rude.”

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Jamska@reddit

No.

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Jt_marin_279@reddit

I think the two (population density and directness ) are closely related. In highly populated areas, life is a grind. You’re trying to get from point A to B, get shit done, make a living, etc. There’s solidarity is suffering through the shit show that is life.

Being thoughtful and kind about how you phrase things literally burns energy. As long as everyone understands that there’s an efficiency in being direct, it’s OK, but culturally the minute you step outside of that environment, it definitely comes across as rude and self important.

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Especially at Eagles games. Every single player knows exactly what is thought of their performance at every single game. It’s not hyperbole when former players say you have to be a certain type and mentally tough to last in Philly.

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em_s5@reddit

“Hi how are you?”

“i’m good! Yourself?”

Hardly ever are they good or great. And if you get an “Ok” then oh boy it’s rough. No one will ever tell you they’re having a bad day unless they’re that bad at social cues

Same goes for if someone looks disheveled. You wont hear people go “hey there! You look terrible!” Unless they’re close friends.

It’s 50/50 if you have something in your teeth. I’ve had people let me go a full day with a piece of spinach in my teeth and say, “oh, I didn’t want to embarrass you!”

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Ironlion45@reddit

Midwesterners don't do direct. Particularly in the North.

There's this phenomenon called "Minnesota Nice". What it really is is utter and complete avoidance of directly expressing an opinion in any way shape or form. It's almost Japanese.

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In the east coast I’ve only lived in NYC, but New Yorkers are actually pretty rude though. If you’ve ever watched an interaction where someone bumped someone accidentally, were waiting in a slow moving queue, or failed to accelerate out of a red light .001 seconds after it turns green, you know what I mean. But they don’t mean it personally. It’s totally normal for two parties to yell at each other briefly over minor things and then go about their day no problem.

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CrazyAstronaut3283@reddit

I disagree with your interpretation of those scenarios. There are too many people here for everyone to take their time and be unaware of their surroundings. When I travel outside NY or the Northeast, I'm usually taken aback by how inconsiderate people are of others. I think all of us being on top of each other makes us more aware of the fact that we coexist with other humans.

I'm pretty soft spoken and am not the type to tell someone to keep it moving, the person that does is speaking for all of us, and they are appreciated. Rarely does it result in people yelling at each other, especially over minor things.

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lFetusl@reddit

You think it’s rude to be told “you’re holding up the line.”

We think you’re rude to hold up the line.

There’s no cut-to montage, it’s not TV. Stay alert of your surroundings and keep things moving.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

There’s a difference between rudeness and directness, though. People can be rude and indirect; people can be direct and not rude.

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unappreciatedparent@reddit

And you can be both. What would you call laying on the horn at 7 in the morning (or earlier), yelling at people and calling them fucking dumbasses, etc. threatening to fuck them up, whatever, for minor inconveniences? It happens ALL THE TIME, but it’s normalized as not a big deal because almost always everyone just moves on after.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

Totally agree! They’re not mutually exclusive, and people can definitely be both direct and rude. I think everything you described in your first paragraph is just plain rudeness. Directness/indirectness doesn’t even come into play.

I just don’t go in for the idea that being direct equals rudeness. I’m pretty direct, but I’m also polite. I would certainly never do anything you described. All of that just sounds like a lack of self-control, not “directness.”

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Curmudgy@reddit

It’s only rude to honk at the car in front of you if local custom says it’s rude in those circumstances. Otherwise it’s just a difference in culture.

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So asking for an actual, straight answer is rude?

How do you communicate? You all just assume what everyone actual means and hope for the best?

This is the problem with this world. No one actually says what they mean. But god forbid you misrepresent what someone means because you had to assume after they evade giving an actual answer.

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Fun_Abroad8942@reddit

Oh I love doing this in my personal or professional life. I'm from New Jersey, but live in Brooklyn currently and I'm always very direct. I'm not being an asshole or anything, but I don't dance around what I mean. It always drives me nuts when people try to dance around and I always pin them down on exactly what they're trying to say.

Fucking Midwesterners are the worst.

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PasGuy55@reddit

Yup. Being from New Jersey we’re an entire type.

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Hoosier_Jedi@reddit

There’s an art to it. If no one pin down EXACTLY what you’re trying to say, you get wiggle if things go poorly for whatever reason.

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PasGuy55@reddit

Yup. From New Jersey, worked for two decades in NYC and lived there a few years. It’s either direct, sarcasm, or both together.

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MrsMorley@reddit

I’m also a New Yorker (born and raised, as were my parents and grandparents), and I’m not always direct. In fact, I’m much more Offer than Ask, as are many people I know. (Also born and raised here.)

It's the same with gas, rental cars, hotel rooms, restaurant bills, fast food, groceries, and even taxes.

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jvc1011@reddit

When rejecting an invitation, we tend to lead with “I’m sorry, but” and then something polite and nonspecific like, “I already have plans,” or “I’m busy.”

I’m not even sure what you’re saying here. There is no dialect called “Yankee,” and British English has multiple dialects.

Also, dialects are not synonymous with a particular level of directness, so I don’t even know how your proficiency with dialects has any bearing.

If by “your identity” you mean your directness/indirectness, then of course that will affect your communication style. If that’s not what you meant, you should explain better because I am not following.

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oliversisson@reddit (OP)

The problem with this strategy is that the other person will wonder why you're so upset. For example, I say, "I'd rather not talk about that topic" and the other person is either terrified that they've upset me (I'm not upset) or mad at me for being upset (I'm not upset)

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No-Coyote914@reddit

When making comments on personal appearance that could be received negatively. In my parents' culture, people think nothing of telling others that they're fat, their makeup looks like a clown, their haircut is horrible, etc. It's so common that people have a very matter of fact attitude toward both saying it to others and hearing it about themselves.

Americans are much less direct in that respect.

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Aaarrrgghh1@reddit

When it could be perceived as racism so many people are afraid of being perceived as racist, anti lgbtq etc.

My favorite thing that happened at work once was someone called me a racist for what I don’t quite remember then my girlfriend shows up and let’s just say she had the hard R card and asked me what time were we going to the West Indian club.

Then the same person tried to say I was anti lgbtq and went to HR to say I said something derogatory about them. Being a gay black male.

Hr was like is this true. I was like to be honest I didn’t know they were gay. However. Let me show you this picture of me at destiny with my uncle.

HR was like what is destiny. I was like Google it. If I keep getting harassed by this guy I’m gonna sue

HR called me back in the next day and was like we have spoken with him and he will be leaving you alone.

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Curmudgy@reddit

HR was like what is destiny. I was like Google it.

I tried and at first got a lot of hits for the game. I filtered those out and got a lot of other random things, none of which fit your context.

So please give me a better clue.

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Aaarrrgghh1@reddit

Then you don’t need to know however it’s very lgbtq friendly in Vermont.

https://www.sevendaysvt.com/arts-culture/faerie-tale-2140912

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Curmudgy@reddit

If you had said Fairie Camp Destiny instead of Destiny it would have saved us both time.

I don’t know why you think I don’t need to know.

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Aaarrrgghh1@reddit

Don’t why you need to know but sure. Be that guy

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Curmudgy@reddit

I don’t know why you’re being like this. You’re the one who used the term. You should expect people to want to understand what you’re saying. It’s normal on Reddit to ask people to explain unfamiliar terms they use when the term can’t be easily looked up.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

Are you aware of how indirectly you referenced both a black person and a gay person in your comment?

“Let me just…” seems to be your indirect segue of choice.

I meet so many people who proudly say "I treat everyone the same!"

Sorry, but their response to a Finnish man going silent should not be the same as to a loud American going silent!

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Theal12@reddit

Exactly! You need to learn cultural differences, not expect everyone to be the same as you, or adapt to your cultural style.

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favouritemistake@reddit

We don’t generally give our coworkers beauty/face care advice unprovoked and a lot of us don’t talk about the other person’s weight/fat even among family.

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Least_Data6924@reddit

When they want to ask somebody to only bring a vegan dish to their potluck and not any non-vegan meals

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When being direct and truthful means you’ll soon be unemployed. Most managers can’t handle the truth, especially when it’s bad news.

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oliversisson@reddit (OP)

I worked at a company you know, and the head of our division would boast about how well the market was receiving our product. it was completely delusion and nobody told him.

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capsrock02@reddit

New Yorkers and Boston are VERY different.

Doing Fine/Alright = Having a pretty terrible day actually

Mon- Sun

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shoesafe@reddit

In some countries, it might not be rude when people are very direct and unashamed about noticing your differences and your flaws, even if they don't know you very well.

They'll say you've gained weight. Call you fat. Say your haircut is stupid. Mention your ethnicity, race, or presumed nationality. They'll stare at strangers in public, or gawk at people in wheelchairs. They'll belittle your career or minimize your achievements. They'll talk about money, how much you make, how much you owe, how much less you're making than others.

The exact scope of what they'll talk about varies a lot with the specific country and culture. But they're being direct & blunt in a context where Americans strongly expect discretion.

Obviously this behavior can happen in any country. But in some countries, it's not considered rude. In the US, it's often considered rude.

There's a partial exception for close family or friends doing it to you. But most Americans still find it unpleasant even from close loved ones, unless it's done very diplomatically and from a place of love. Otherwise, Americans will usually assume that somebody drawing attention to your flaws is meant negatively.

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SeaSnowAndSorrow@reddit

When teaching their children about anatomy and sex.

It's EXTREMELY common for parents to call private parts things like "flower" and "cookie." This actually puts children at risk because if they do tell someone like a teacher or doctor that they're being abused, "he touched my cookie" does NOT elicit the response it needs to have from a mandated reporter. It's not the teacher's fault that it sounded like something benign. It's the parents' fault for being indirect and vague.

Even with teenagers... abstinence-only is still prevalent in the US, more so in some regions than others. Parents regularly opt their kids out of any sex ed at school and then don't teach it at home or talk around the subject. Even things like basic anatomy, what's normal development, and proper hygiene...

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One_Advantage793@reddit

When they were born and raised in my native South. I do not think the true Southerner knows the meaning of the word direct with regards to communication.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

Ghosting is popular because people are avoiding the confrontation/awkward conversation of telling you that they aren’t interested.

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Uffda01@reddit

When we add "for you" to a phrase.... like "Oh that's great for you" or "I love that for you!" it really means we'd hate it for ourselves but we're being nice.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

I read it more as “I’m happy for you that that makes you happy” even though we know that thing would not make us happy.

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Spiritual_Lemonade@reddit

I speak very directly to people and state things clearly. Just a normal voice never yelling.

And often people feel it's very rude or I'm somehow hostile 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

Are you me?

I was hanging out with my SIL and her fam, and her sister said something that was the opposite view than I usually heard. So I was like, “Why?” Apparently everyone thought I was being combative. So I had to explain that I really just wanted to know her reasons (she’s the type of person who would’ve done research & had reasons) because I didn’t know much about the topic.

Who knew asking follow up questions was rude/hostile?

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Spiritual_Lemonade@reddit

I also have to regularly clarify that questions are questions when spoken. And not an argument.

You'd be surprised but even medical professionals like nurses act like a question is personal attack.

Except I think it's very normal to have questions or be ready to have a discuss within medical.

Ya I saw facts and people act like I'm the problem.

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Building_a_life@reddit

I'm just chiming in here to say that the South and Midwest are miracles of directness if you compare them to many other traditional customs in the world. Mexico and South America. The Arab world. Much of Africa. India, China, and Japan. Those are gross generalizations, but on average they're true.

In many places, it's extremely impolite to say no, so many of the yesses that you get are really no.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

This is so true! It’s helpful to remember that even indirect Americans are likely more direct than tons of other cultures.

This made me think of the whole “refuse twice” rule that’s common in East Slavic cultures. I remember my Ukrainian friend telling me about some ministers who were traveling around the US, and mostly staying in people’s homes. Their hosts would offer them things (coffee, snacks, dessert, etc.), and the men would refuse because in Ukraine, you should refuse twice before accepting after the 3rd offer. Well, no Americans were offering 3 times, so they finally got together and decided that they had to accept after the first offer (even though if felt super awkward/rude) or they were never gonna get anything! Lol

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Tough_Tangerine7278@reddit

The US is huge. Cultures vary per region.

The Northeast tends to be the most direct.

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dlr3yma1991@reddit

On any day that ends in the letter “Y”.

Seriously, getting a straight answer from anybody about anything is a PITA.

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Ok-Tomatillo-7141@reddit

Talking about death. I’m an ASL interpreter and sometimes have to interpret end of life planning, hospice, palliative care discussions. ASL/Deaf culture is much more direct than mainstream American culture.

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True! I work at a school, and we teachers definitely try to pawn that off if we can. Like can the school nurse talk to the student? or Make the health teacher talk to the whole class! or Which teacher has the best relationship with the student?

girlgeek73@reddit

When someone wants to end a phone conversation they will say "Well, I guess I'll let you go." As though it's the other person who is trying to end the conversation. I never noticed that until my husband pointed it out to me.

Living in the American south for a good portion of my life.

This is out of politeness. This is largely to maintain a good image

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love scrolling through these comments as a born and raised jersey guy lol

you want direct?

“we don’t like you either”

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Smilingsequoia@reddit

The US is large. Many pockets have different ways of communicating. What seems direct to me, is not to other people.

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iforgot69@reddit

Can't relate, not from either of those places and I'll call you a window licking fuck tard to your face.

No I'm not confrontational I just hate how people beat around the bush instead of addressing the problem head on.

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yikester20@reddit

In a professional office environment. You often have to dance around topics (be indirect) when trying to tell someone that they messed up or it’s your issue, not mine. You need to play office politics so you don’t publicly embarrass someone or make an enemy.

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JodieFountainsHair@reddit

talking about money. or sex.

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LoriReneeFye@reddit

It depends on where you are. You mentioned New York/Boston, but directness doesn't end there.

I'm in Ohio, about 60 miles south of Cleveland. We're DIRECT here, for the most part.

That troubles one of my best friends, who's from Texas and Kentucky.

Scene: June 2023, visiting that friend where she lives in Idaho.

I'd been housemates with her for five years, 2013-2018, and we've been best friends since 1977.

When we were sharing a house, that friend giggled ALL THE TIME. Constantly. She could say something like, "I'm going to take out the trash" and follow it with a GIGGLE.

When I was visiting in 2023, though, she was no longer doing that.

I mentioned it. "You're not doing that giggling thing anymore."

She said, "You know, my sister (who lives in Texas) recently mentioned that. She just wasn't as DIRECT."

It's was a simple conversation, and I don't know how else I could have stated it, but apparently I should have been more passive-aggressive about it.

THAT is what's going on in the USA: A lot of passive-aggression. And a LOT of "white lies" (and a lot of darker lies too, but that's another discussion). You will notice it in the Southern states more than just about anywhere else in the country.

JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, people. If nothing else, it's a time saver and will cause a lot less confusion.

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vt2022cam@reddit

In the south, “Bless Your Heart” means f* you.

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AMB3494@reddit

I think of Fargo Season 2 which takes place in Minnesota/South Dakota where one character says “we’re a friendly people” and the other character says

MN is VERY indirect. I lived there for over a decade and it was crazy to me how many people would be friendly to each and then talk crap about each other behind each other’s backs. I have a personal rule that I don’t talk like that behind people’s backs and I will actively defend people. I make this known when I’m in new social groups and people try to gossip.

“Have you spoken with them about this?”

“Have you spoken with XYZ authority about this problem?”

“I don’t have a problem with that person.”

“That’s not my experience with that person.”

Etc.

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North East values productivity over what they consider fluff.

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Decent_Flow140@reddit

Absolutely. Although Jersey is direct too. I moved to the west coast and had to learn that people here give hints instead of actually saying what they want. It’s been an adjustment.

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gregsw2000@reddit

Are you from the Netherlands, cuz, you guys are too direct.

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Wintergain335@reddit

Where I’m from in the South, people tend to be indirect in order to “save face.” Being confrontational is often seen as low class and a “big no no” socially. That’s not to say we can’t be direct or blunt, but it’s usually handled in a very different, more subtle way. Southern people tend to use a lot of euphemisms, metaphors, and figures of speech that carry deeper meaning. These expressions can seem completely harmless or unremarkable on the surface, depending on the context, and are often used to avoid direct conflict.

Discussions about money get indirect real fast, especially when talking about salary or to people with plenty of it.

Weightmonster@reddit

Usually negative things:

-If companies don’t want hire you or want to get rid of you.

-If you smell or have hygiene problems.

-A restaurant or establishment does not want your business

-Breaking up with someone.

-They want to reproduce or practice the reproduction techniques with someone.

Ahjumawi@reddit

Friend of mine living in the Deep South said that it took him a while to learn that "yes" means "maybe" and "maybe" means "no."

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tlollz52@reddit

In the Midwest, more specifically the northern areas, the Dakota, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, and probably Michigan. We live off passive aggression and social fauxpois are pretty easy to fall into if you aren't from around here.

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AdamOnFirst@reddit

Cultural agreeableness. Basically as simple as that. In the Midwest, especially in Minnesota, we are culturally highly agreeable and really really conflict averse, especially with people we aren’t very close with. Passive aggression is our way to partially surpass this on a technicality.

I think “being direct” is a regional thing.

Northeast? Direct. (Here’s looking at you Boston, NJ, and NYC).

When a sourhern women says bless your heart.

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thegreatpotatogod@reddit

Regarding your last sentence, not legally it can't. Companies aren't allowed to forbid discussing wages

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Little-Martha31204@reddit

Do people in other countries realize Americans are all unique individuals? Not all Americans are direct. Not all Americans are indirect. Apply this to everything else as well and most of these questions can be answered.

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siandresi@reddit

I feel like the US definitely values assertiveness, but you're also an asshole when you're assertive. Its like its kinda admired but no one wants to be your friend?

And of course, in reality assertiveness or directness or bluntness, is influenced by many factors other than culture. Someone could see a very direct statement as sincere and honest while someone else could see the same statement as tactless, rude and unnecessarily confrontational.

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