Why do I still feel sad in the states even after being here for almost 2 years?
Posted by No_Possibility4904@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 46 comments
Hey guys! I’m 27 and have everything I could possibly ask for. I have a home, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, an incredible husband but I can’t help but feel upset in the states.
I lived in Europe prior to moving here and I miss the lifestyle and culture so much. I miss walking the streets just to grab a coffee or just walking around a plaza and shopping.
I’m not from Europe so I can’t just pack my bags up and leave but how do I get myself to like this place? I’ve been trying to give it an honest chance but it just won’t do it. I don’t drive here yet (my bad entirely) is it that? Just not having that independence? Idk. How do i get rid of feeling so down and not being happy even though i have everything anyone could dream of?
Lo_Capacity@reddit
Idk if someone's said this already or not, but part of it may be that this is a terrible time in America. I've been in the States most of my life, and the last few years haven't been the best representation of what life here was like before.
I know this isn't a solution, but just know expats aren't alone in feeling discontent here right now. I hope someone's advice on here helps, and I'm wishing you well.
katybug77@reddit
Driving would definitely help your independence for sure. Also living in an area that is easy to do what you're mentioning you're missing. When I was in the states, I lived in a very rural area but it was close enough that I could meet my friends up at a coffee shop. But the walkability of my surroundings in my rural area were not even close to the same as I have in Oradea, Romania, or some of the other cities I've visited in Europe - Brussels, Antwerp, London, Helsinki. I lived near Richmond, VA, in the states though so when I would desire what you're talking about, I would go to Cary Street. In Charlottesville, they have a similar street. I think you have to go exploring and ask locals about where a street or downtown area exists where you live.
girlgamerpoi@reddit
I remember living at some American towns still sucked for walking. Because it feels like you are walking on someone's front lawn! But I had a good time living at somewhere that's close to a big nature park. A lot of walks. The placed I lived was also secluded.
anx247@reddit
Comparison is the thief of joy. Find things you do like and focus on that. Also, is it possible you live in a boring city/state? I live in Europe and there are plenty of cities that are boring and not all that interesting.
RedPanda888@reddit
Do you actually like US culture? To enjoy life as an expat and feel settled long term you usually have to like the culture quite a bit more than your home country. That includes media, entertainment, the people, the food, the way of life etc.
JoshWestNOLA@reddit
Practice gratitude.
Human_Artichoke8781@reddit
I totally get this. I lived in a cute little neighborhood in San Antonio, Texas with my husband and our cats. Despite the fact I shouldn’t have had anything to complain about I still felt very depressed there and craved change. Even having the ability to drive just made me mad at traffic and all the horrible drivers, I didn’t even want to ever go anywhere cuz it was always a hassle. We moved to Spain last year and even tho i’ve had some depressive episodes missing family and especially because not being very good at spanish makes it hard to communicate, overall i feel sooooo much happier, the environment is a million times better and i love being able to walk everywhere. The quality of life in the US has decreased so much in recent years and I have zero desire to ever return to the US.
lwpho2@reddit
Not to downplay the external considerations, which are clearly significant, but don’t discount that you’re likely still hormonally wacky after having a baby, and that could be coloring your perception.
Least_Promise5171@reddit
MAYBE but everything she said was really rational. I'm also one of those people who put a major emphases on walking cities and socialization.
Also some people just shouldn't drive a car lol. Not talking shit OP but seriously sometimes we aren't meant to drive cars and that nothing to be ashamed of!
nonula@reddit
Yup. Postpartum depression is a real thing, and for some people it’s not very dramatic, just kinda slightly off. It was that way for me, even though my baby was a dream come true. For me it wasn’t driving itself that helped, as much as connection to other new moms. And I was very lucky in that La Leche League met right around the corner from my home, so I could walk over there with my kiddo in his sling. (That kiddo just turned 22, so this was … a while back!) OP, my advice is prioritize connections with other people in the same boat. Until you can drive yourself, ask hubby to drive you to La Leche League, or mom/baby yoga, or whatever is available to you. Taking care of your own mental space is important.
David_R_Martin_II@reddit
Where are you in the US? Just general terms. Northeast, South, Midwest, Southwest, Pacific Northwest, etc.? How big is the town you live in?
There are two things that have driven me crazy the most about living in the US: the car-dependent culture and the focus on detached single family dwellings.
You will probably need to learn to drive depending on where you are. I assume that public transportation isn't great, because it isn't in 99% of the US. But also, is it possible to relocate somewhere with walkable neighborhoods?
No_Possibility4904@reddit (OP)
I’m in Charleston, SC. Although it’s beautiful, I just can’t figure out how or what to do here to be happy lol
Schlafloesigkeit@reddit
I had to scroll down to see if I could get a whiff of where you were, and my first reaction is yikes. Good for travel but would never want to live there. Only a handful of cities (like three) in the entire US that would fit my preferences (aside from being able to live car-free).
David_R_Martin_II@reddit
I agree with the other people who responded. I would hate Charleston if I had to live there. I can't stand living in places where I have to get in a car anytime I want to do something.
Ferret_Person@reddit
Oh God yeah yikes. The southeast is a desert for walkable lifestyles. I'd have a hard time being happy there either.
DenominatorOfReddit@reddit
Oh, well there’s your problem. You gotta move to Boston or something like that.
Schlafloesigkeit@reddit
If you are not planning to return home, DC, Philly, NYC or Chicago are calling you, in two of them you can live car-free entirely (along with other benefits), in the other two, you can select neighbourhoods that allow you for reduced car use or entirely car free. I'm going the other way in part because I (an American born and raised) never bought into or cared for the US car-centric culture, and I lived prominently in two of the four aforementioned cities.
I agree with the few other comments in this thread that American life, culture and most (day to day) environs are draining in normal times, but given that you are stuck in a certain place, you will need to be able to drive at least short term. If the above four are too expensive (a major downside), then your next best bet are smaller towns with centralized downtowns. The quality of life will vary greatly though depending on the state and cities they are.
ShivyD2025@reddit
I know exactly how you feel and have been in the same position. I have been in the States for three years and I now have a two year old. Ultimately I am moving back to Europe and already feel a weight has been lifted from me. For a long time I thought it was PPD but it wasn't, it was the loneliness and isolation. To alleviate it, I did join and Mother and Baby class and I also went to the story times in the libraries all around the area. I also set my 10,000 steps a day target to have sone kind of goal. Honestly, it takes immense energy to put yourself out there and do these things. I also found the Winter grueling here (in the Midwest) and that was definitely a contributing factor to how I felt.
NansDrivel@reddit
Learn to drive immediately.
United_Cucumber7746@reddit
Driving to a downtown area once in a while does not replace the experience of actually living in a walkable neighborhood.
I’ve been struggling with this for the past 10 years.
Most people in the U.S. don’t see the issue because they grew up with suburbia and car dependency as the norm—it’s what they’re used to. (Until they travel abroad, to villages in the Caribbean, Europe and Mexico for vacations, or go to exceptionally walkable places in the US like Disney. And they are like "Aha! That is what God gave me legs for! It is fun!" ).
If my husband spoke my language and could find a job in my home country, I would move back in a heartbeat. I do love many aspects of living here, but this specific issue is slowly wearing me down.
I don’t want to end up obese, bored, or disconnected from culture. And no, going to the gym or walking on a treadmill is not the same. Walkable places offer micro-interactions, people-watching, interesting things to see, and an overall feeling of life and energy around you—none of which exist in a car-centric lifestyle.
No_Possibility4904@reddit (OP)
I’ve been trying! The dmv hates me lol it’s a long story but I’ve been waiting for 3 months now and got an appointment for a test next month ;-;
NansDrivel@reddit
Well, once you get the damn thing, use it. Find places where you can enjoy your interests and do something. It’s up to you to make your life better.
Don’t mean to be harsh, and I understand if you’re depressed. Believe me, as an American who lives in Finland I would be CRUSHED if I had to move back to the states. But it’s important that you find some joy, and only you can do that. Get some medication if you need it to help get yourself stabilized.
edbassmaster888@reddit
Is walkability that Europe cities offer affect mental health that much? Might it be your reason?
David_R_Martin_II@reddit
I'm US born and raised. It took me decades to realize how much a car-dependent culture and the suburbs depressed me. People need to live in the areas that are compatible with their lifestyles. City people need to be in cities.
GreyGoosey@reddit
Might also just be the exercise that comes with walking places as well.
Elifantico@reddit
Anything you did in Europe you can do in the U.S. The U.S. is a huge country and where you live will largely detirmine the lifestyle you can lead. Don't live in the suburbs, live in or close to an urban area. There are many in the U.S. that are highly diverse and have your political or social leanings—whatever they may be.
Paper_Beautiful@reddit
Couple of things. The US has a loneliness epidemic. Generally, it is a me me, me/go, go, go society and me, me, me equals misery. Believe it or not, movements like MAGA and Tik Tok are an attempt at community (albeit a feeble one). Communities and community ideals in general are dying and this has been accelerated by social media. Second is 24 hour news cycle that politicians and celebrities take advantage of…Third, are you walking as much as you did in EU? …and where are you walking to?
Cojemos@reddit
You're in a country that failing. Uses buzz words to gaslight its people. "Operation Freedom" Affordable Care Act" etc.., You're not living the American dream. You're living the American lie.
Late-Ad-1020@reddit
The US is a lonely place. There’s no way around it. I agree learning to drive will help! But it won’t feel the same as Europe.
Fit-Avocado-6002@reddit
Reverse culture shock. I couldn’t shake the feeling and eventually moved back. Maybe you need to follow your instinct and research how you can get back. If you can’t move back it sounds like you could benefit from a walkable neighborhood, perhaps a college town or city like Boston or NYC. Or perhaps travel more even if it’s just within the US?
FrauAmarylis@reddit
You sound like every new mom I know.
The baby showers are over and now it’s the Post-partum depression.
Champsterdam@reddit
American cities and culture are draining. In Europe they seem to rejuvenate and calm you, in the USA they suck the life out of you. Get a car and get out of the city for the day (do that every week). The USA overall is just very draining on you. I didn’t realize just how much until I moved to Europe
Ancient-Ad7596@reddit
Move to a more European like city. Think Boston or NYC
scruffydoggo@reddit
My thought exactly. I grew up in the burbs and it’s bleak. Walkable cities are the answer.
world_warri0r@reddit
I am sorry to hear that... In my opinion, its easy to feel the way you do because for the most part, it's a giant soulless parking lot with strip malls.
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
Yep
Affectionate_Age752@reddit
The US sucks compared to living in Europe. No know from personal experience.
HVP2019@reddit
I am from Europe. I love living in US and I have most of the things I want/need. There are minor things that I do not have in US but those things are too minor to be upset about.
You do not have everything you need/want in USA. You mentioned there are things that you miss, things that you need to be happy.
In order to be a happy immigrant you have to be honest about your actual needs and priorities and make decisions based on that.
So analyze your life again. Make list of important things you gained by moving to US. Make list of important things you’ve lost.
The world is big, there are other areas besides US and Europe so if you are honest about your most important priorities you may be able to find a location where you can have most of the things that you need to be happy.
In my case it happens to be US, I didn’t have to do anything special to love it.
You can find your place to be happy.
raykooyenga@reddit
Give it a shot but if you're unhappy there you guys got to talk. I didn't realize how unhappy I was or rather how much happier I could be somewhere else until halfway through my life. For me it's cultural compatibility with the people around and I think I'm not compatible with other white AmericansIt's not big on 300000 rules literally Finds and taxes and mini government HOA Karen's everywhere and the strip mall estheticWhat's the weather's only good in like 3 states. But everybody has that thing that makes them happier unhappy I hope it works out you figure something where you can keep your family together at least
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
Once you give birth, life is never "walking the streets just to grab a coffee or just walking around a plaza and shopping." I remember missing being able to read the paper much less going walking to buy a coffee.
Unless you have serious plans to go somewhere else, make the US your home, because it is. Focus on what you have - the husband, the baby, the house. Focus on how you can help others - get out of your own head. Help the neighbors, help your husband, help yourself. Plant a garden, learn to crochet. Life is rich with possibilities. Find them.
Unable_Tumbleweed364@reddit
I've been in the US for five years and I still miss home so I'm moving back.
Cora_intheforest@reddit
My response will completely depend on where you live. This is such a vast country with so many different locations and culture within one state, let alone the country. If you are on the West Coast, I’d be happy to give some advice. Others have given some good advice. I hope you find some joy in your life and with your family here!
WafflerTO@reddit
One explanation is that you haven't built a social circle. After two years you should have a couple BFFs and a wider circle of friends whom you share something in common (e.g., new mom). You should be involved in social activities at least 3x per week. (More if you are not an introvert.)
The lack of driving sounds bad too. How can you socialize with friends if you have to wait for a ride from someone?
swarleyknope@reddit
Are you in a walkable neighborhood?
My mental health took a dive when I moved from a neighborhood with lots of restaurants & coffee shops and parks within walking distance to a more suburban neighborhood. It makes it hard to feel connected to a community and it takes a proactive effort to make the area feel like “home”.
Neat-Composer4619@reddit
It seems that you haven't built a rhythm that you like and a social circle. I don't know if the car would help. It really depends on where you live.
Maybe try to integrate groups. Since you just had a baby, I would search new moms walking groups or baby and yoga groups. It would help you meet people in a similar life phase.
If you can't find a group close enough to you thay allows you to participate with public transportation, you have your answer about the driving.
shribes@reddit
For sure get a car and get out and escape the city. The USA is known for it's vast natural beauty, not the culture.
I empathize with you on the walking, biking, physical movement of European culture!!!
Can you find a cheap flat/condo in some euro city and split time between there and here?!
Perhaps you have a friend who you could go half and half with on it.
I wish you success :)