ULPT: Workplace is mandating return to office after 4 years of hybrid working despite hitting all performance metrics - need some malicious compliance tips
Posted by stokr89@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 30 comments
I was thinking of requesting for a work bench postural assessment and ask to buy me an expensive ergonomic chair for my neck pain.
any other good ideas?
Left_Being_8066@reddit
Maintenance requests. Lots of maintenance requests. Recruit others to also put in lots of maintenance requests.
DoctorJekylll@reddit
Take your emotional support animal in with you, that you acquired during Covid. An untrained stray dog, that doesn't respond to any commands, will produce the best results.
LoweredBap@reddit
Since there’s no work from home allowed, leave your laptop at the office and delete communication apps from your phone.
TheZimmer550@reddit
This is the bare minimum for pretty much any job
eveningwindowed@reddit
They’ll probably add something like no working from home during work hours
OkBrilliant8092@reddit
Keep unclean and awful smelling clothes for work - rewear them every day and don’t wash them
WillyBadison@reddit
Lol, sinking the ship you’re on to kill the captain. I like the cut of your jib.
OkBrilliant8092@reddit
I dont want to kill the captain, but people are like ants to me... I mean I'm a real ass and I am likely one of the betterpeople....
I'd take the captain ; you put me in charge of the red button and Imma poush that right away... once day....
Popular-Drummer-7989@reddit
You need a standing desk and triple monitors with a Steinhauser noise cancelling headset.
stokr89@reddit (OP)
ha, I've asked for a standing desk and an expensive ergonomic chair with neck support
Popular-Drummer-7989@reddit
Awesome! You still need
https://www.sennheiser-hearing.com/en-US/headphones
WillyBadison@reddit
I expected more $$$ than $379.
A012A012@reddit
First week everyone's back, unplug or turn off th3 coffee maker. Add fewer grounds so it's not only lukewarm, but weak.
Leave popcorn and crackers for coworkers. The salt will have everyone slurping more water which means more bathroom breaks.
Let the oatmeal burst in the microwave. Nuke that salmon.
Keep rearranging the office supplies. Schedule meetings first thing Mondays.
Puakkari@reddit
You need that zero gravity work station.
locationson2@reddit
Don't forget to cook you leftover Salmon in the office microwave! Bring some garlic as well@
itsjustanotherday4@reddit
Ehh that’s more just f’ing over everyone else who is forced to come into work…there are other better ways to do this
generic_version@reddit
And accidentally burn popcorn in the microwave.
generic_version@reddit
Keep jamming up the copy machine. Sabatoge the printers, too.
ChaoticDwarf@reddit
Well this greatly depends on how attached you are to your job. If you should get fired next week, how much trouble would you be in? In any case, before you start doing "malicious compliance" or other things, make sure you have a realistic fallback plan.
Secondly, before doing anything else, first be a professional and go talk to your manager. What is the reason behind this new policy? There could be things going on that you know nothing about which, if you were management, would cause you to make such a decision as well. Perhaps you can perform as expected while working from home, but maybe too many of your coworkers can't. It's hard to then say "you three may work from home, but you four may not".
Having said that, if you want to do some malicious compliance then start by really knowing what you're supposed to do and what not. Stop doing everything that's not your official job. Increase your response times on messengers and mail. Answer "tentative" to all meeting requests, then randomly not show up at some meetings, then say "I didn't accept". Stop doing anything outside of work hours and outside of the office.
Hope this helps,
AdventureThink@reddit
My niece got diagnosed with autism / accommodations to avoid RTW
IslandBoyardee@reddit
Don’t do one single second of work outside of that office.
stokr89@reddit (OP)
that's a given!
Agreeable_Custard960@reddit
Bring bags of uncooked broccoli, set on your desk and leave the lid open. Will smell like a hot, wet dog fart
dcidino@reddit
Using malicious compliance is exactly the mindset to have.
I'd start scheduling as many meetings as possible. Then have people fight - just stir shit. Keep your hands clean.
As another comment said, computer stays at work and become utterly uncontactable outside precise hours - or turn it in as an HR violation/complaint.
Schedule your PTO/Annual Leave at the WORST times.
Share "secrets".
Make every effort to explain how much more productive it was before they called you back in.
Test their resolve. Have an "emergency" where you can either take an unscheduled sick day, or work from home at a moment they need you.
If you're ballsy, tell HR that you're now a flight risk because of the policy. Literally tell them that if you get offered the same gig elsewhere that has WFH, you'll take it. I personally tell my boss and anyone else throwing this stuff around that since they couldn't give a raise, again, I consider WFH a part of my compensation package - and that removing it is a pay decrease.
Quinn4366@reddit
roaches. not exactly compliance, but it may just get you out of the office
MissionDocument6029@reddit
meetings only in person in a meeting room.. no room no meeting.. no zoom/google/teams link
lots of team building meetings
that co worker you can;t make friends
why send a chat ping but why they are in the office.. walk up to them
multitasking whats that
get diagnosed with IBS.. extended bathroom breaks
Spastic_Potato@reddit
Develop a strategy using key words that indicate a decrease in productivity since returning to the office. Incorporating the words or phrases into your reporting, conversations etc. Reduce your output or quality without impacting your position.
Just work the hours nothing more. Reference how you'd normally get this piece of work done during the time it takes you to commute to work. It'll just have to wait until tomorrow. Don't want work impacting your personal life....
Beat of luck.
MeanSecurity@reddit
Wear the most hideous things you own that comply with the dress code.
ActiveExisting3016@reddit
Can you find another job?
Maybe quiet quit in the meantime
stokr89@reddit (OP)
I've had a few interviews, two went to second round, waiting to hear back.
In case I don't get an offer, I'm stuck here until something else comes along.
Unfortunately I'm quite in a senior role in a niche field, so the opportunities aren't that many.