Dear diary, | TheaterFire

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Jojellyfish@reddit

She’s not going to get the stuff. She is going to spend the time with you. I have this mantra on repeat for my lack of patience.

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And now I feel like an ass for the times I've lost patience for my early 80s parents, the last couple of years. Thank you for this reality check and also the reminder that what's being asked if my sister and I is not an inconvenience, it's an instated request to spend time with us.

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Reddit__user_@reddit

You’re in good company. The regret is almost unbearable. The number of times I told one of them off when I should have bitten my lip.

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RedDoggo2013@reddit

Ayup. Both my parents have passed. What I wouldn’t do to have them back and for me to be a better person.

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SQWRLLY1@reddit

I regret letting my mom see my frustration when she was going through her cancer treatments before she passed. I wasn't frustrated with her. It was with her oncologist, the hospital, traffic, the fact that cancer had the fucking nerve to one of the kindest souls to exist... I could have held back my emotions and it kills me to think I ever made her sad or to feel like a burden.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

You didn’t make her feel sad or like a burden. You were there with her, taking her to appts. She knew the placement of your emotion came from love. Forgive yourself. She knew. 🫂

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Radiant-Duck6616@reddit

Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear it today

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SnooHabits1804@reddit

Mom died January this year. I am visiting my dad for my every other Saturday ritual. We BOTH need it, I might even need it more. Actually I'm grateful we get along as well as we do.

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Available-Topic5858@reddit

Mom was the strong one until she wasn't and passed quickly. Dad had spine issues and had balance and leg strength issues but could navigate the house OK. I made it to visit him several times a week. He loved going to the buffet. Sundays I would cook for him trying to recreate meals that Mom would make. He passed four years after her. I so treasure those last years. I was always closer to Mom but at the end became so close to Dad.

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NessyNoodles70@reddit

Oh my god! What a nice way to frame it ❤️

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wevebeentired@reddit

I needed to see this today. Thank you.

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Dangerous_Traffic718@reddit

Your not the only one who did.

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ugh_idfk@reddit

I used to get annoyed every time my dad would ask me to take him grocery shopping. I finally figured this out. Now, after almost 19 years of shopping without him, I'd give anything for one more trip going to at least 3 different stores based on what's on sale this week.

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Azure_Compass@reddit

Going it adds a little normalcy too.

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CatLady7423@reddit

Almost unbearably relatable. The last 5 years were nothing but the awfulness of watching my parents deteriorate and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hated having to do so many things, feeling like I did nothing but run to and from the grocery store and pharmacy, and yet feeling so guilty for resenting the situation. Now I'd give anything to just sit on their couch watching GSN or "Say Yes to the Dress". At the time you think it's just something to pass the time, but really it's so much more.

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Least-Cartographer38@reddit

It’s okay to cry. It makes sense to feel sad. Grab a slushie at sonic or somewhere so you two can sip in the car with the windows down and reminisce about when she used to drive you around to do errands. Snap a pic of you two of you and your treats.

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eastbaypluviophile@reddit

Yes, this. My mom LOVED coffee. The blacker and stronger the better. She had Alzheimer’s and was on a memory care unit. I took her to her many doctors appointments. Sometimes she knew me, sometimes not. But I always knew that saying the magic word “coffee” would make her eyes widen with delight. One of the last times I was able to take her before her final illness, we went to Peets and the barista comped her drink.

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Least-Cartographer38@reddit

That’s so great. I love that the barista gave a gift to the both of you, with the generosity of comping her drink that you could comprehend, and the comfort and warmth and familiarity that the coffee brought her. People can be really good sometimes. I have a similar story, about a cantaloupe from our local farmer. He saved the last one of the season for Mom. She couldn’t eat it, because she was in hospice, but we let her know that it was there, and let her feel the texture and the weight in her hands. I think by that point she was so high on morphine, and she had already died once lol, so the trappings of this earth were no longer her concern. But it was a really nice gesture.

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eastbaypluviophile@reddit

A ripe cantaloupe has such a heady sweet smell. I’m sure that not being able to taste it didn’t matter much to your mom. That’s a great story, she seems like she had a remarkable community.

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domesticatedprimate@reddit

I really envy people who had supportive parents they still love or loved until the end.

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Azure_Compass@reddit

I'm sorry to hear you don't. The parents the hubs and I have left aren't great. We're no contact with my FIL and dealing with my Dad is difficult on a good day. We lost the great ones first.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

They weren’t always supportive. My childhood was rough. We found our way back to love after Dad got sick and couldn’t drink anymore. I chose forgiveness. They gave me life and I am grateful for all along my path, good and bad it’s shaped me and I really love me.

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NerdyComfort-78@reddit

That is a lesson I’m trying to learn because now that they are gone, all the bs doesn’t matter.

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mygardengrows@reddit

This.

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Azure_Compass@reddit

Taking care of my mom, who was 53 with cancer, was both amazing and difficult. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

I took the advice about recording Mom. I lucked out, she reminisced tonight, really went into storyteller mode and I got 45 beautiful well recorded precious minutes. All about hippie life in Seattle area in the 60’s and 70’s. ❤️🫂

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Ok_Phase4960@reddit

My mom had cancer and kept getting severe pneumonia, so she would be hospitalized in Seattle a couple of hours away from her home. She'd get better then a couple weeks later, it'd happen again. I live a couple of states away, so I wanted to go to her, but it was a big trip and she seemed to get better quickly. The week before Thanksgiving, she was hospitalized again. I had a trip planned to go for Thanksgiving, but I wanted to go early. My boss knew I was agonizing about it and told me to go! I flew to Seattle. Luckily, my mom recovered after a couple of days. My aunt, uncle and I drove home with her. She and I sat in the back seat, and she told me stories from her college days (in Seattle). It was just such an enjoyable trip with people I love. My mom was feeling better, and I wasn't worrying because I was there. I was able to take care of her for the next few days, and we continued to have the best visit. Watched favorite movies, ate favorite foods, talked and danced. That was our last time together as she died a few weeks later. I have so much gratitude for that time. Such good memories, and I hold them close when I miss her.

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Fistofpaper@reddit

I experienced this two years ago. Its still rough, bu I'm truly thankful for the final moments I was allowed. Hang in there.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

Potassium has been a critical problem. I’ve learned how to gently remind her to take that pill every other day. It destroys me to remind her because I know the aspiration fear for her is as high as the risk. Her new oncologist finally recommended full spectrum CBD which I’ve been trying to suggest for 3 years. Thank you Dr M. It’s been helping. With anxiety, sleep, interest in nutrition. I know where we are headed but I will make it as comfortable as humanly possible providing as much joy on the way.

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muuzumuu@reddit

You can do this.

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Adventurous-Ant9038@reddit

My mother passed 14 yrs, 1 month and 16 days ago. Cherish your time with them.

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eaglemg1@reddit

💜💜💜

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Puzzleheaded_Bad6461@reddit

I'll I can say is 🫂

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peterw71@reddit

Christmas Day 2020, my mum was two months into a terminal brain tumour diagnosis. My wife and I started the day picking her unconscious body off the bathroom floor. They make it look so easy in the movies but it's really difficult in real life. When we should have been opening presents, we were waiting for an ambulance. As it was COVID times, we weren't able to go with her and we weren't allowed to visit the two hospitals and one hospice she moved through over the next two months. The day before she died we were allowed an 'end of life' visit to the hospice. Full PPE, COVID tests and face masks before we were allowed in. She died the next day, two days before my 50th birthday. I'm not sure what my point is or why I started this. I thought I had a point. I suppose I want to say that you're stronger than you think you and you will get through whatever comes next. Be there for your mother but don't neglect yourself.

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Puzzleheaded_Fig7807@reddit

My mom had GBM, had only 2 weeks after dx, it still sucks😢😢

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LittleMrsSwearsALot@reddit

I lost my husband to GBM. He was 44. Is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

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AnalogPickleCat@reddit

I lost my husband to GBM when he was 36. The worst part was it took so much from him before he died.

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ApplianceHealer@reddit

GBM is horrible…I’m so sorry.

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Vast-Government-8994@reddit

My mom also had brain cancer, passed July 2017...every day sucks.

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NerdyComfort-78@reddit

This was my dad. Metastatic lung to the brain 2018. So sorry for you.

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Vast-Government-8994@reddit

Same to you. Its a crappy club to be part of🥺

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NerdyComfort-78@reddit

I feel this. Mom passed (last parent) just before Christmas 2 years ago. Life long smoker, Lung cancer/ COPD and didn’t update any of her Covid boosters because tin foil hat people know better than her doctor. Caught Covid. She lived 350 miles away, I was still employed full time, only child. Called her every day to see how she was doing- asking if I should come help. She said No. Seven days later I get a call from my uncle she’s in the ambulance and her last words to him were “don’t tell NerdyComfort!”. She thought she was going to come home, I bet. Heart attack, ischemic bowel, in the ICU. Passed 48 hrs later just before Christmas. I am sure she was deceased in the ambulance but they vented her anyway. Christmas funerals are the WORST. And fuck that SOB at my mom’s church (the dude who arranges services) who said to my face 24 hrs after her passing “ Christmas is the best time to die because you’re with the Lord Jesus at his birthday!” And this is one of the other 1 million reasons I don’t go to church anymore. And bless my husband for being the most supportive person ever. May I be just as helpful when his parents decline and pass. And screw my MIL who said to my face at my kid’s recent college graduation “Sorry your parents couldn’t be here. It wasn’t meant to be.” My kid loved my parents and despises my IL’s. Even my husband doesn’t like his parents. Thanks for letting me unpack that here.

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AtroyaBelladonna@reddit

Hugs to you.

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Dxbr72@reddit

♥️♥️♥️

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Guilty-Study765@reddit

For me it was Christmas Day 2010. One month into a terminal thyroid cancer diagnosis. She was gone 3 days later, but I am grateful we were able to get her back home for her last night.

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jnp2346@reddit

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I know it’s really hard to stay strong. Your Song is the song I sang to my son when he was a baby. I’ve been at my folks house for the last 5 weeks taking care of my dad while my stepmom recovers from a broken pelvis. Dad has Parkinson’s and early onset dementia. It’s hard seeing the man who was always so strong, vital and kind to others in this state. He shuffles around the house, a shadow of who he was. Regardless, I’m grateful to have this time with him. He’s still a kind man.

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Wonderful_World8736@reddit

My mom and dad were in an accident from someone fleeing from the police in September of 2019. Killed my mom instantly. Dad never went home. He was in and out of rehab, moved to assisted living g, Covid hit, he fell and had a brain bleed followed by a stroke and had dementia until he passed in 2022. And when he died I was still devastated. I was an only child and our little circle was always so constant. I was singing a Waylon Jennings song to him when he passed. And the worst part of all of it is that they didn’t have to end up this way. My son is going into his senior year and it kills me that they will miss all of it. I am surrounded by people who love me, but I miss the safety of my parents. And sometimes I’m jealous of people who still have their parents. You can’t always say that.

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jerseygirl75@reddit

OP, I am so... I can't even understand this kind of relationship. My heart swells and breaks for you.

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clalach76@reddit

Everyone said getting old was crap or they said hard or maybe I thought, dull. No one said it's heartbreakingly desperate and chronically saddening. They can't tell you this. It's not something you should even know until you need to know .and then....and then it guts you, top to tail. My Mum is 83 and a year into dementia and my father is fading before my eyes at 86. They've been together over 60 plus years and they are so miserable it kills me...don't just don't.

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Zealousideal-Fix-968@reddit

I lost my parents within 9 months of each other, and a husband between them. Now I'm just numb. Enjoy every annoying inconvenience while you can.

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realtor_shen_valley@reddit

I still can't eat rocky road ice cream without crying. I couldn't get Mom to eat anything without a fight for two days so I told her I'd run to the store and get ANYTHING she wanted if she would promise to eat it. She wanted rocky road ice cream and I sat on her bed with her and ate bowls of it until she got her appetite back.

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coachoaks@reddit

❤️

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Shot-Measurement8197@reddit

So many memories. Trying to do everything for her, but she wants to do it herself. Begging her to let me take her back to her Dr when she was throwing up and having diahrrea but she keeps saying, honey, don't worry, it's a reaction to the chemo. Finally, calling an ambulance and forcing her to the hospital. Only it was too late, she was too weak for surgery. My sweet, Southern Belle Mama, I miss you everyday.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

Sending so much love. 💕

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Shot-Measurement8197@reddit

Thank you ❤

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NachtXmusik21@reddit

awww, shit. I'm not crying; nothing to see here... talk amongst yourselves... caught my mom@ 77, (skipped a grade + Master's degree) w/a specific type of aphasia 2 wks ago. I know no one else knows (bc I've been deathly ill for 10 days) gotta do what we have to; cry in the bathroom & give 'em what they want/need when they just want to go to the store @83lbs... we're with you. 💜

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WhoWhattedWho@reddit

I am so very, very sorry 🥺 This time is brutal, but, as hard as this might be to hear, I wish I could go back to this time with my dad. The very end is heartbreaking, but, after that is beyond anything I could ever put into words. Your mum is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have your mum. Please try and enjoy every second… even the hard ones. Sending you both so much love 💞

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Haunting_Height_9793@reddit

I remember being so irritated taking my mom to the store, she'd get in the electric cart and boogie off to subject some poor employee to helping her in every aisle. I once found the person from the organic section in the clothing area on the other side of the store and when I offered to take over for her, mom said "no she's great right here with me!" Then one time my sweet young boyfriend came along with us. I parked in the handicap space and was halfway through the door of the store when I looked back and he was sweetly helping her out of the car. I sighed in frustration and just watched them and something happened. I realized I didn't need to be in such a hurry, that the kindness he was showing was kind of the thing. I had a lot of times in the next decade where I wasn't perfect or was impatient, but honestly, he helped me see how to be better, by demonstrating it to me, and it worked. I'm married to him now and Mom has been gone for 5 years. I miss her, and the credit for that goes to him. Cheers.

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autoredial@reddit

If my time was coming to an end, my body deteriorating with age, and my child loves me and wants to take me to shop and wants to spend time with me…what more can I ask for? It’s all good.

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disapprovingfox@reddit

These posts always make me a bit sad. Some days, they make me cry. Today is crying. The boost, tears, and struggle to get out of the door, while showing a brave face, are all too familiar. For me, it all ended when i was 24, after my mom battled cancer for 8 years. I am now older than she ever was. I have been without her for more years than we had together. I still miss her. My father's decline in 2015 was shockingly quick from an untreatable brain tumor. I would have liked just a little more time with both of them.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

I’m so sorry. That’s very young. Sending so much love to you.

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Careless_Lion_3817@reddit

🤗

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LissyVee@reddit

The end is hard. So, so hard. You can expect it and expect it, but it still hits you like a ton of bricks. Watching them fade slowly day by day is heartbreaking. All you can do is to love her and make her days as happy and peaceful as you can. Tell her you love her whenever you get the chance. Hold her hand and talk about sweet memories. This is your last gift to her. Sending you love and hugs over the internet.

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Lanky_Pace403@reddit

I could not stand my mom towards the end (3 years of abuse). Please enjoy the good moments while you can... 😁 Live life have fun.

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AuntCrispy420@reddit

As their only child, it was such an honor and privilege to care for them and to be there when they each took their last breaths. 5 years for Dad, 1 year for Mom. This time is so precious 💖

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towniediva@reddit

💔It will soon be 3 years since my parent passed. My other parent is in care home. We did everything we could to keep them at home. It was so hard. Sending ❤️❤️

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LittleMrsSwearsALot@reddit

Friend, I’m crying with you. It sounds like you have the mom you deserve and your mom has the child she deserves. Hang in there and remember to look after yourself. Sending you some extra strength.

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AtroyaBelladonna@reddit

Sending you love and strength. Give her a gentle but big loving hug for me!

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gingerlaur@reddit

This made me emotional. Bathrooms are the best places for tears while we care for our parents who are just trying to remember the joy they’ve had (((hug))).

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scifichick42@reddit

I have been where you are. Hugs! Remember to take care of yourself as well. I lost my mom 5 years ago this week and fortunately I got to spend time with her before COVID shut everything down. Yes, she is doing what she can to spend time with you, if you need to break down there is no shame.

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Doozer1970@reddit

Set aside an afternoon. Get your phone or some other recording device. Set it to record, and sit and talk to her. Ask questions about her childhood, her parents, places she lived, people she knew, how she met your father, etc. Save the recordings and back them up. Burn them to a CD. Some day, you will cherish the ability to hear her voice again.

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Solid-Wish-1724@reddit

I wish I had done something like this. I thought I would have all the voicemails but they're gone.

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GrumpyCatStevens@reddit

Bless you and your mom. Cherish every moment you still have with her.

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Secret-Midnight-8666@reddit

I have always told my children. When someone you love dies, you never say to yourself, " I wish I'd have spent less time with them" They have been great about showing up for my parents. The last couple of years of my grandparents lives I wasn't as involved as I could have been, and even now that pains me.

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CopycatDad@reddit

I'm gonna go call my mother

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Primaveralillie@reddit

Taking care of my parents in their decline was a privilege, enlightening, and also a nightmare. It basically wrecked my marriage and completely derailed my life. But in reflection, I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's just one of those difficult things that we must go through. I feel all the feels for you, but know that there is good life on the other side.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

Agree with all of this wholeheartedly. I’m working on not feeling guilty for the day that I can actually turn my phone off and take a trip. It’s been over a decade now. Thank you.

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valweeeeee@reddit

I did the long term illness with both parents. When my mom passed, I felt so guilty for having a sense of freedom. Now I realize that was ok to feel that way and I'm back to finding the nice memories with her.

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lifeisfascinatingly_@reddit

I really needed what you wrote. Thank you u/Primaveralillie

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valweeeeee@reddit

Thank you for being there for your momma.

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MotherOfGremlincats@reddit

Much strength to you, OP.

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doornumber2v2@reddit

I actually thank my parents for becoming raging alcoholics and making me hate them before drinking themselves to death in a suicide pact. I feel like it would have been a lot harder to let them go otherwise.

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Tough_Classic757@reddit

My dad is currently declining in health and mobility and I’m going to stay with him for a week next week and it’s been something I have not been looking forward to. Thank you all for giving me a different perspective and way to think about it.

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Retoromano@reddit

I lost my mom last month. Unfortunately I couldn’t be there for the end, as I live on a different continent, but I was there for Christmas, and what little she ate and enjoyed was the food I prepared. Went downhill quickly after I left. I begged her to eat until the end. Just wanted to share that I know what you’re going through. Bathroom, and all other crying is part of the process. Watching your parents die will never be an easy process.

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SplashiestMonk@reddit

I overheard a woman our age scolding her elderly mother in the store yesterday because her mom came out of the dressing room wearing the sweater she had tried on. She accused the mom of trying to shoplift the sweater, yelled at her to go back in and put on her own sweater, and said she wouldn’t take her shopping anymore because it was just too difficult. I could empathize with the daughter because I know all too well how hard it can be to go shopping with an older parent, especially one who has dementia, as this woman seemed to and as my own mom did. But I also knew that the mom probably looks forward to those outings as a way to spend time together, and maintain some sense of normalcy in a world that no longer feels familiar to her. As someone who will be scattering her mother’s ashes tomorrow, I’d give anything to go on one more difficult shopping trip with her. Hugs to you, OP.

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Limelight1981@reddit

Not a parent story, but I accompany my wife when she tries on clothes because she has a condition that doesn't allow her hands to function properly with fine motor skills. She can start but the continuous fingertip motions become too difficult, so I'm in the change room with her helping her with every item. I'm her dresser, coach, and cheerleader! It's hard to watch her decline, and I am happy to be beside her helping her with each step, each hour, each day. I didn't know this would happen, and if I did, I wouldn't trade any of our 30 years together. Shes an inspiration to me with the courage she has everyday.

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Thattowniegirl@reddit

I am living this right now. My parents who seemed to be immortal have now aged so much. Seemingly overnight. My Dad has dementia, and my mother is not the strong hockey and softball dynamo she was. She has a walker ffs. My uncles and aunts are now OLD. But I still feel like I am a kid. I know that my time with them is growing shorter with each day. When my mom mentions something she likes- it's hers. Same with Dad. I like the expression you used- I will give you the moon wrapped in the stars. Because I will. Love you Mom and Dad

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

And the only reason I didn’t want to go is because I’m trying to preserve her calories she can’t afford to burn. It’s a fine line because it doesn’t matter much at this stage but I’m just so protective of my best friend, I love her so much. I’m honored to walk her home as I was honored to do for my Dad. You all are correct, it’s so worth it to be there. The only thing to cling to as people pass is who you treated them while they are here. Thank you all

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MrsLobster@reddit

How wonderful that you have this beautiful relationship! I’m wishing all the peace and love in the world to both of you, OP.

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nikko1212@reddit

❤️

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FrauAmarylis@reddit

Be real. She could outlive you. My great-grandfather lived to 107. Our US president is her age. Lots of people work full time at her age because they like it. So many people don’t make it to old age, it’s a gift to have a long life, as long as it’s not miserable.

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makinbears@reddit

Live in this moment WITH her. Cry when you’re alone. But you have this moment to live with her right now. And remember. Start a journal and record everything she says from her until…. Just love her and be next to her.

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Azure_Compass@reddit

Who's cutting onions?

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jepeplin@reddit

It’s so hard now as they really age. I’m touring retirement communities that turn into skilled nursing facilities with my mom now. She’s 84 and still tooling around in her 5 speed Impreza, still hanging with her condo buddies (who all have cancer or are dying), still sharp as a tack. I don’t know what I’ll do when she dies, it’s just awful to think about.

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17krista@reddit

So difficult to be there for a parent in this way, but something we wouldn’t miss for anything in the world. Sending you virtual hugs and wishes for strength and peace.

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NeighborhoodNo4274@reddit

Sending you love and strength. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone in this struggle. 💙

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geekyMary@reddit

I’m so sorry.

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Crusty8@reddit

Leave nothing unsaid.

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Candid-Reveal6380@reddit (OP)

My Dad passed 9 years ago 2 days before his 64tg birthday. I was at his side. Today is 2 days before Mom’s birthday. It’s just all so a lot.

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Least-Cartographer38@reddit

Yeah, it is a lot. We see you. You can do it.

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mumtaz2004@reddit

Hang in there. This is indeed a lot. One step at a time. You already know that it gets worse before it gets better. We’re all in this weird place that we know our parents went thru but, we didn’t really get it. Now we get it. It’s maddening and frustrating and sad and baffling but, the alternative is so much worse. Chin up.

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PrairieGrrl5263@reddit

Boost is better than some of those "nutritional shakes" but not by much. When my husband was losing weight due to health issues, we discovered that a milk shake made with Carnation Breakfast Essentials powder was much better tasting and decent nutrition. It was sold as Carnation Instant Breakfast when we were kids.

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Disastrous-Stage-77@reddit

Ooof. You are a wonderful person. I can feel this from both yours and mom's perspective. I became disabled at 35, now 48 & raising a 16yr old grandchild that takes care of me too. I'm glad mom still has her fighting spirit to keep going. Big hugs to both of you

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Express_Airport131@reddit

It's ok to breakdown in the bathroom. And it helps to know we are all going through this stage of life together. Although it is torturous.

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leomaddox@reddit

❤️

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Justify-my-buy@reddit

When I was 26 yrs old I held my mother’s hand through the whole movie of Castaway at the movie theatre.

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Mean_Queen_Jellybean@reddit

Watching my mom decline from a whip-smart, loving mom to a scared, confused child was a horrible experience. She belongs to eternity now, and I’m comforted knowing she’s free. I’m so sorry that you’re going through the aging parent hellscape, OP. I feel you and wish you strength.

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LollyGoss@reddit

🙏🏻💔🙏🏻

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bosorka1@reddit

my heart goes out to you. almost lost it reading your post. still may, just thinking on it. xoxo sis

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Commisceo@reddit

For me it’s a privilege to be there for my old mum. A sad decline though. Now we push a shopping cart and her wheelchair around. But I’m glad she gets out even if it’s just for shopping.

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