Is Divorce Common in the Aviation Industry, or Was I Just Unlucky? Hoping to Hear from Those Who Made It Work Too.
Posted by MyInvisibleInk@reddit | flying | View on Reddit | 172 comments
I’m going through something incredibly difficult right now and trying to make sense of it all. Five days ago, my husband (who just got an offer from a regional) told me he wanted a divorce. We’ve been together for 10 years, have a 2-year-old, and I’m currently less than 3 months away from giving birth to our second child. On Sunday, he left work, texted me that he was filing, hasn’t come home since, and has ghosted me out of nowhere. It was completely unexpected.
I met my husband almost 11 years ago and he stated to me how being a pilot was a dream of his, but he didn't think he would be able to achieve it (he was older than me and had failed in his first pursuit of being a pilot and had high student loan balances from ERAU). I saw how sad that made him, so I decided to figure out how to make it happen. I worked on saving money and during this time completed his degree for him. Then, in my mid 20s. I finally approached him with the idea of him finally pursuing his dream as I'd finally saved the amount he'd agreed I'd needed for him to want to quit his job for flight training. So for the next 3+ years, I 100% supported his career path into aviation. I provided all of the financial support for him to go to ATP, paid on his student loans (both from ERAU and ATP), supported his training, taking care of the first kid pretty much alone, and subsequent low pay/long hours as CFI for him to get his hours (even paying to rent planes for extra hours as well). I fully believed in the life we were building together. I don't believe I was overly needy either (I got that as a possible reason for him leaving in my prior posts). He got his hours and even did an airline interview and I believe he got the job (he just never gave me any update from it). We were just making plans for the future days before this happened. Then it all disappeared overnight. All of our hardwork throughout my 20s, gone. Now I'm practically 30 and have nothing for my future. I have no 401k. I have no savings. Nothing. I do have my children and I'm happy for that at least.
I’ve seen hints in my previous posts that I've been making over the past few days that the aviation lifestyle can be hard on relationships, with pilots being notorious cheaters. I guess I’m asking: is this more common than I realized? Do a lot of relationships struggle or fail in this field?
I’m not just looking for the bad stories, either. If you’re in aviation and have made it work, especially with kids, what kept your relationship strong?
Thanks in advance for any insight.
Reputation_Many@reddit
Sorry you’re going through this. As others have said he’s not really in the industry yet. But my take on your question for other people is if your significant other is very clingy or easily gets jealous you’ll probably have some issues with marriages. Just my opinion I could be completely wrong. My parents marriage of over 50 years went great because my dad was gone half the time as a pilot. It all depends on each partners personality and if they trust each other, and if they don’t have to be around each other 24/7.
Good luck again. I’m sorry for your situation.
TomVonServo@reddit
AIDS. Aviation-Induced Divorce Syndrome.
prex10@reddit
Your just husband isn't even in th aviation industry. He has an offer to be in it.
He would he doing the same thing if he was selling insurance. He sounds like a shit bag.
Sorry you're going through this. My first girlfriend married a pilot. Left her out of a blue with a special needs son and signed away all his parental rights. The job doesn't make the man. That's just who he is.
baybridge501@reddit
And I’d bet he’s probably been cheating a while and decided to just go live his alternate life.
Airjerm49@reddit
Yes please get child support. And alimony. I’m in a similar situation where my wife encouraged me to give aviation a second chance. I’m not an airplane pilot. I’m a CFI. And since CFI’s don’t make much I’m dependent on my wife for the necessities. We have 2 toddlers. Because of her support over the years I wrestle with guilt because I often see my selfishness in pursuing this “dream”. You ask what keeps us together? For us it’s honoring our wedding vows whom we are ultimately accountable to God for. It’s the discipline in connecting around what His Word says and doing our earnest to live it out. And when we fail, which everyone will, we’re dependent on His mercy and grace to keep us going. Your story has affected me because it hits so close to home. I’m praying for you.
jumpseat320@reddit
Amen, good to see a believer here:) Do you mind if I PM you?
B1G_D11CK_R111CK_69@reddit
He is just an asshole and he is screwed. All those loans, child support and alimony he has a mountain of liabilities. My guess is he will be fairly miserable for the years to come.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Thank you for taking the time to respond. You're probably right. A career field doesn't make someone act the way they do. And he only has the CJO, so he isn't really at the airline yet until he begins indoc.
Fizzo21@reddit
Plus, he has to pass training for 2.5 months and he’s on probation until a year. He’s at the very beginning of the airline career. Sorry you have to deal with that. We don’t all cheat. It’s the person not the career.
SqueakyNinja7@reddit
OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. However based on everything you’ve say, especially the financial support, you have a very strong alimony case. I would certainly consult with several lawyers and hire the most aggressive one you find. Now he can pay back all the support you’ve given him.
81dank@reddit
That needs to be highlighted
Ok-Tale-5112@reddit
ma33a@reddit
The stereotype of divorcing pilots doesn't start until after they have a job in the industry. It comes about as they are given attention by the often young cabin crew while spending more time away from their family in conditions that allow for cheating to occur.
Your situation doesn't sound anything like that.
I've been flying for over 20 years, and with the same partner for most of that. We met while I was already a pilot and the lifestyle of having time apart worked well with our personalities. Some husbands find they can't handle the time apart, some wives find the same. It can be particularly difficult if the stay at home spouse is just waiting for the pilot to return so they can do things together, while the pilot just wants to sit on their own couch and chill at home after being away for a week.
All of this can add to the usual stresses of marriage.
People often ask me for financial advice (never ask a pilot for financial advice), and I always say the same thing.
"Stick with your first wife, but don't don't call her your first wife".
In your case, it kind of sounds like he got the job and now wants to live the single pilot life, which is great if you are single, not so much if you are married. Shagging your way around the fleet gets old after a while, and its why you see pilots getting married for the second or third time. They realise they actually want the connection of a relationship, but then slip back into their old ways and throw the relationship out again.
earthgreen10@reddit
but none of the people in the cabin are attractive...like all the flight attendants are old
BigOnions7@reddit
Its pretty common, in my opinion.
EducationalLie6494@reddit
First all want to say is your a great person and you should be proud of yourself you have no idea how hard it is for men to find a woman like you he’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve you let him go, a year ago I was a in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend who left me because i wasn’t making enough i had a CFI job and I was flying a charter company that went bankrupt so she just decided to leave I honestly hope the best for you if I would have a woman like you in my situation everything would have been different hope the best for you.
TheKgbWillWaitForNo1@reddit
Damn, your husband is an asshole. Kinda sounds like he stayed with you just to get the job
capsug@reddit
You dont think maybe the story was engineered and presented to this page specifically to give off that impression?
prex10@reddit
I personally know people that have had their spouse just leave one day. It sounds made up or exaggerated but people do it.
capsug@reddit
Of course that does occasionally happen, but its far more common for there to be clear warning signs or more of a shared responsibility for the failure of a marriage.
One thing I noticed about this story is that OP does not mention what she was doing or what her goals are. It can be very alienating in a relationship if one person is pursuing an ambitious, prestigious and lucrative career while the other stagnates career-wise. If I were to take a lesson from this story (which may or may not be true, or even if it is true may or may not be accurately & fairly represented) it would be to build both yourself and your wife up. If you want to be ambitious then encourage that ambition in the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
yowzer73@reddit
Life doesn't need to be about ambition to achieve success in a capitalistic society, and a successful relationship doesn't require equal ambition or financial success. A successful relationship requires communication and clearly this guy wasn't communicating his needs. He failed to communicate that his needs weren't being met, and he's an awful person for leaving his wife after she sacrificed to help him achieve his dream without communicating.
capsug@reddit
Blah blah blah this is just pithy judgment and infantile “good guy/bad guy” thinking. There are vanishingly few genuinely “awful” people in the world and they are generally incarcerated or otherwise segregated from society. One of the biggest signs of immaturity is this sort of binary thinking.
It’s not about money, and it’s not even about capitalism. It’s an imbalance in a relationship and while sometimes it can be rectified many times it cannot. You need to grow alongside the person you’re spending the rest of your life with or else its very possible that a disparity in progress will breed resentment.
LuminousWave@reddit
What are you saying, she got him here on her back, literally. Obviously, sure, we aren't given the husband's perspective but "growing apart" after being carried to the gates of your dream job by your wife who is also raising kids and then leaving in the night is insane. I'm not sure what context could possibly paint him in a good light.
capsug@reddit
As nice of a gesture as it is to bankroll somebody the harder work is getting through the training. Take it from me, who is bankrolling a med student as an ag pilot. My part is easy compared to what she is doing.
Money is cheap. It’s a piece of paper or a number on a screen; not much more than a means to an end of what we really want. This concept will go over like a lead balloon on a forum where there are ten “How do I get to be a high seniority Delta pilot” posts for every cogent thought, but it’s true.
Grinding out an hourly wage for a specific financial goal is an exercise in grit. Not unlaudable, but contrasted against the idea of gaining and learning a skill or certification its just not the same. It’s really a lot easier to do some dead-end job like drive a truck for $32/hr twelve hours a day than it is to have the discipline to sit down and learn what it takes to be a highly paid professional.
And therein lies the basis of the imbalance and disconnect. The effects of prestige and clout in the way we perceive or own self worth. Once the thought of “I have graduated past this person” is incepted it’s almost impossible to shake. And that’s no moral judgment, either. It’s actually quite natural and if you are moving forward in a serious relationship ignorant of that fact or worse yet deluded into some moral outrage over it you could be headed straight for what OP is enduring.
LuminousWave@reddit
I’d love to be on whatever it is you’re on
capsug@reddit
I get that some people just cannot grasp these issues and resort to this sort of bullshit response as a defensive mechanism.
yowzer73@reddit
How do you identify an imbalance? Communication.
How do you rectify an imbalance? Communication.
How do you grow alongside a person without building resentment? Communication.
This wannabe someday airline captain pulled the marriage eject handle (divorce) without even running an emergency checklist (communication).
It's really not hard to be better at communicating in a relationship if you actually put in the emotional labor and introspection that comes with it.
frogsintheplane@reddit
So you’re saying OP should have left her husband struggle with his aviation training and probably leave him because he didn’t have the motivation and ambition to get funds on his own and instead needed his wife to do the job for him? I do agree her husband is a bum and that OP is too good for him.
Yesthisisme50@reddit
^ this comment seems made up.
Don’t believe any of it
itsyournameidiot@reddit
She saved enough money to pay for ATP before 30 while raising kids I’d say she’s doing pretty fucking well herself.
capsug@reddit
Is not about fucking money. How can people live in this world this long and be so unobservant of what actually motivates and drives people?
itsyournameidiot@reddit
I wasn’t talking about money she has drive and the ability to save and prioritize.
Passionpotatos@reddit
He literally was a loser when they met. He literally had given up and was living off this dreams he didn’t have the ambition and motivations to make happen anymore.
What do you mean??? Literally the husband got his lifestyle served on a platter. He ain’t motivated. He got boosted by his wife. You’re a weirdo for thinking that man is so much better and motivated when his wife’s drive got them there
HereToday0522@reddit
Behind every great man is a great woman 💯
Rainebowraine123@reddit
It takes a special kind of stupid to fail out of Riddle.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
He didn't fail out. He lost his military scholarship due to him admitting to being prescribed depression medicine as a teen which he never took at last minute, and the new recruiter didn't want to deal with it, and he got kicked out of ROTC. At least, that's what he told me. I could be misunderstanding the full situation. So he didn't want to continue getting more debt since the military was no longer going to pay for it, and he had already acquired a significant amount at that point.
Rainebowraine123@reddit
Ah, got it
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
No, I worked more than one job. I'm very far from rich. I lost a bunch of those jobs, and we have been struggling the last couple of months but trying to hobble by. From making this comment, this could have also contributed to his stress. Stress about me being able to maintain the student loans.
mikasjoman@reddit
It was horrible reading this post. Now you go and lawyer up too and make sure he has to pay big time for this shit! Wish you all the best and I hope you find someone who's actually a great partner.
SqueakyNinja7@reddit
As she is supporting the entire family and making it possible for him the pursue his dream? Sure there probably were warnings that were missed because she was so exhausted FROM WORKING THREE JOBS for however many years.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
My career is definitely stagnated. I don't have a career. We agreed I would pursue my goals after he made his. I saved up by working multiple jobs (he wouldn't get a better paying job or get any more jobs to help, so I had to work a lot).
We had finally agreed he made it to his goals, and I finally enrolled at ASU in the spring to finally get my degree and he was going to help out with childcare when the baby came so I wouldn't have to drop out for a bit from taking care of two children.
So, to say this divorce came out of nowhere is an understatement. It really did.
phatRV@reddit
I upvoted you. There are always two sides of a story. She was presenting only one side. I know husband who left his family because of a difficult wife to live with.
frogsintheplane@reddit
Without the wife financial and emotional support, husband would not have a cjo right now.
So if you’re implying it’s an incel type bullshit that you also seem to agree with, connect your two brain cells. Dude thinks OP is waiting for the “no-work” lifestyle so the husband can buy her stuff. That’s not how life work. Disconnect and speak to people and realise for a lot of people a marriage is a partnership. And if your goals are such, you can be sure a good partner will help you reach them. That’s abDirtbag mentality thinking about the man being either so much better than the wife because of the ambition (ambition is nothing without the means. Also she gave him the motivation) or because he has money (which he doesn’t yet. And literally if he ever does, was enabled by the wife).
SilentPlatypus_@reddit
If a guy is getting bummed out because his pregnant wife who is also caring for a two-year-old isn't demonstrating enough career ambition, he needs to reevaluate his perception of reality.
haripj99@reddit
If OP has a young child and another on the way, she was busy being pregnant or being a mother to their kid. Often with kids that young childcare is very expensive and it often makes sense for one parent to stay home.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I didn't engineer the story. My post on the marriage subreddit gives more details. I just didn't think all of that was important here as I asked a different question than I was before. I confronted him on a lie, and then this happened a few days later. Apologies.
Right-Suggestion-667@reddit
Literally a riddle rat god dayum.
Take him for everything he’s got
Lumpy-Salamander-519@reddit
Makes no sense. My girl is living with my through all my training and takes care of everything at my place I just have to train, workout, eat, and have fun. I’m gonna commute for her and pilot lifestyle can be stressful of course but she has my entire family and hers so while I’m gone she will still have a community. I don’t need it, if I have Netflix, AC, and some shitty little gym I’m good to go. After all she has done there’s no shot I’d leave her. He’s just a POS.
Fisherman_30@reddit
What's equally sickening about this is he's not just divorcing you, he's divorcing his kids too. You can't look after kids as a single pilot. I rely on my Wife entirely to take care of everything while I'm gone.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Yeah, he's not trying to see us. He didn't just ghost me. He's ghosting his toddler and unborn child, too. He doesn't want to see them and isn't requesting any custody, he said (I haven't received the divorce papers yet). He said he's not asking for anything in the divorce. He just disappeared completely.
Ryforge20@reddit
Tell your lawyer to plan for increases in alimony and child support as his wages and retirement increase. His first year FO pay will be quite low but his wages will increase by a large amount when he upgrades to captain and potentially moves on to a major airline.
GUMPSisforCHUMPS@reddit
Make sure you get a good lawyer and go for as much as you can from him. You supported him completely for over a decade, and now he’s abandoned all of you. Don’t hold back from some misplaced sense of guilt - you’ve already asked if this is somehow your fault for encouraging him to pursue his dream (it’s not, it’s completely his fault for being an asshole). You deserve to get as much money from him as you possibly can, since he obviously won’t give you anything else. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be incredibly difficult. I have two young kids of my own, I can’t imagine just walking away.
flyguy42@reddit
Well, how generous of him! 😂
You put him through school, supported his career and gave him a couple kids, but he's not asking anything.
I don't know how child support works by default, but make sure that yours is adjusted to his income. He's making nothing now, but will be making bank shortly. Make sure that even if he nopes out of being an active parent, at least his kids have the benefits of the career you gave him.
HereToday0522@reddit
Been married to a pilot for 30 yrs yesterday.
It doesn't matter what someone's job is, it's the person. Save the receipts showing you supported him because you hit the 10 yr mark. After 10yrs you are now entitled to 1/2 of his income. Forget about me, but If my husband just didn't come home when there is a small child waiting for his dad & the stress of that added on top of being pregnant. Let's just say that man just done fkd up!!
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I'm happy to hear about your long marriage. I hope it continues for many more years. I'm so happy for y'all!
I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my post.
jtyson1991@reddit
You didn't say what state you're in, but just FYI "you are entitled to half his income at the 10 year mark" is likely not accurate.
CaptainZhon@reddit
Lawyer up and go after that child support. He sounds like a real sh1tbag. Aviation didn’t do this to him- he did it to him.
Whirlwind_AK@reddit
THIS. Make sure your lawyer has the right to re-open the case and get more money for you as his career progresses.
ALSO - He may have committed fraud if he knew he was going to leave you all along.
LAWYER UP!!!
Ryforge20@reddit
This is important, his earnings will rise drastically so her lawyer needs to be aware and plan for future wage and retirement increases.
ltcterry@reddit
Huh? He's been a pilot - at least in the eyes of the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association - since the moment he soloed an airplane. "Pilot" doesn't mean "airline job." Duh.
A couple thoughts. First - if you supported him through all this, then you potentially have an ownership component of his ability to earn serious money. You need to pursue, at a minimum, being reimbursed for this, or better a lifetime cut of the income you funded the training for.
Second - don't be in a hurry for this to progress quickly. The only thing you need now is a temporary order providing some guidance on who pays what bills and child support. You'll be in better shape for a better order once he's finished his initial training and you have several months of schedule and pay information.
Coparenting is going to suck. Traditional visitation schedules are not going to work. And if you take the attitude "if he can't be here for the kids that's too bad" it only hurts your kids. Forever. If you were married and he had an odd schedule you'd work around it. For your kids' sake you need to do the same now. For your sanity too.
There was a post here a couple years ago from a divorcing woman pilot who shared the verbiage her visitation schedule - something like "Jane Doe is an airline pilot and while her schedule is typically X she won't know each month's schedule until each month. Visitation will be A, B, C based on each month's schedule."
Good luck!
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Apologies. People were saying he's not a pilot yet.
As of right now, I don't think there will be a coparenting plan. He said he isn't going to request anything related to the children. He said he doesn't want anything. He's just disappeared.
monkeyjuggler@reddit
Am I the only one seeing all the red flags of depression here? The pilots I've flown with who got divorced all loved their kids and fought to keep in contact with them as much as possible.
Working_Football1586@reddit
I feel bad for you, my experience was the exact opposite and I don’t see people cheating at work but I assume it happens, I did see it quite a lot when I was in the army. This guy sounds like a pos but it’s also hard to know what else is going on in the relationship. Sounds like you guys maybe need an outside person/counselor etc to help you each identify what your issues are, but ultimately if he is gonna leave it’s on him. He’s gonna need to work two regional jobs to pay all that child support and healthcare.
pjlaniboys@reddit
I married her. Flew 30 more years, retired, and am still married to her.
150kingpin@reddit
I’m in a similar situation where we have young kids and my wife is the primary income earner while I pursue aviation. Not to the airline stage yet but walking out as soon as I get there would be unthinkable. All his income should go to you and his children if this is the bed he wants to make. Get as much as the courts will give. I’ve accepted this as the cost of walking away from a supportive family and he should too. None of his peers will be sympathetic aside from the other thrice divorced guys
MikeOfAllPeople@reddit
What were his thoughts on kids before this?
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
We were not going to have children. The first one was due to me being sick on multiple different medications, and I think that made my depo not as effective. The second, he had gotten a vasectomy but then ended up working on the day he was supposed to go to follow-up, and we never rescheduled. So the vasectomy either didn't work or I was pregnant before he got it.
So no, he didn't want any children and had stated this from the beginning.
MikeOfAllPeople@reddit
Well there's your problem right there.
monkeyjuggler@reddit
I'll chime in with a different opinion. Do you think he didn't get the regional job and feels like a failure? Is he leaving because he thinks he's let you down? He could be feeling depressed about not being a proper pilot (like you mentioned he felt before). Just a thought worth exploring?
80KnotsV1Rotate@reddit
The career doesn’t make a shitty partner. It can make challenging situations a little tougher, but people get through it daily. Cheaters will cheat no matter the job they have. Sorry about your situation, but blaming it this early on ain’t it. Bro’s not even in the field yet.
PullDoNotRotate@reddit
Yes, it turns out you can be a shitty partner before having the career too. Or even irrespective of it.
I'll hold the industry harmless for this one.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I wasn't trying to blame the industry, per se. I was getting comments/DMs on other posts on how people who want to be pilots have large egos, etc, which can lead to cheating (as in that's their personalities). I apologize for insinuating that it's the profession. It's just him. He only has the CJO right now, hasn't gone to indoc yet.
PullDoNotRotate@reddit
He was a shitbag before he got a CJO.
keenly_disinterested@reddit
Although it's true that the aviation industry has a reputation for being hard on long-term relationships, IMO your situation has nothing to do with the aviation industry. Your husband isn't actually working in the industry yet, so the primary cause of tension between couples that causes relationship problems--being apart--wasn't yet an issue.
The truth is all jobs that require couples to spend significant time apart is hard on relationships, and it's not always because of cheating. People grow apart when they're not together, and often they grow in ways their partners cannot understand or deal with. I went through something similar to your experience while serving in the USAF--my wife left without warning while I was on a deployment. For quite a long time after the divorce was final, I clung to the story that I had no warning, no inkling, no idea it was coming. It took a few years of soul searching before I was able to admit to myself that I was complicit. The old saw that ALL relationships are a two-way street has the ring of truth for a reason. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or to excuse your husband's behavior, just sharing my experience.
My advice to you is to research divorce lawyers in your area and hire a good one. Your financial situation is dire, and if what you say is true then your husband is responsible to take care of not only your children, but you as well.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
We do live apart. He works in a different state as that's where he found a different CFI job that was going to provide more hours and better weather. So I don't see him often. But we called and FaceTimed daily. And we were finally going to move back together as the lease was running out.
I do know that relationships are two-way streets. I am trying to find out what I did to contribute to this breakdown. I did nag him about things that I wanted him to work on (like complaining about his job and wanting to quit being a CFI before he got his hours, lying, etc). So, I guess I could have been rather annoying.
Thank you for taking the time to respond with advice!
keenly_disinterested@reddit
It's very difficult to make this work in a relationship. Some people can do it; I could not. The old adage that says absence makes the heart grow fonder may be true for those who are infatuated, but I don't think it makes sense for two people trying to make a family.
My second wife--to whom I've been committed for 35+ years--and I were both active duty military, and our jobs put us apart for nearly two years. At the end of that time our marriage was hanging by a thread, and getting back together nearly broke it. It's hard to reintegrate after significant time apart. People get used to doing thins a certain way, and suddenly you have to incorporate someone else's wants and desires--some of which may have changed since you were last together--back into your life. That's not easy, even when you know it's coming.
One thing I learned from my experience: Yes, I was complicit, but I would likely never fully understand why or how much. This is doubly true because it sounds like your husband isn't willing to talk with you and explain his behavior. It's hard enough to fully understand someone who loves you and is willing to share their thoughts openly. It'll never happen if the other person won't even talk to you.
In other words, stop beating yourself up. Yes, it takes two to tango, but once the dance is over it's over. Yes, it's smart to try and learn from your mistakes, but not at the expense of your sanity or happiness. You're young, and there are many dances yet to come.
Famous_Client_3263@reddit
Time to lawyer up lmao take every cent this dude earns
Wonderful_Virus_6562@reddit
Ill marry you
Worried-Ebb-1699@reddit
I’m really sorry to hear this is happening to you. And since we only know from what you’ve told us, it sounds like your husband is the problem and he needs some help talking to a counselor. Perhaps a marriage counselor which he’ll tell you will mean he loses his medical and that is not true.
Divorce rates are higher in our industry, but there are countless marriages that survive and are healthy with the spouse being a pilot. It’s all about the trust and communication and it sounds like that’s not something that he and or you are very good at.
Seeing as you have a new baby on the way, I suspect that he is just very scared about all that is happening and instead of facing his fears and talking to you about it he’s running away.
I assure you there are truly wonderful people in our industry, and there are also not so wonderful people. But if you want that marriage to work for whatever reason, then you gotta have a sit down hard to Heart with him otherwise, you’ll never know what you don’t know about what transpired and caused it to fail.
I’m going to assume that he is truly a wonderful person and has been a good person for you and that he is simply just overwhelmed excited and eager to start this new life of being an airline pilot not realizing what he’s throwing away.
You need to have a real sit down heart-to-heart with him. And if not for your sake, then your children’s sake because if you think this job is hard with a spouse, who was an airline pilot try doing it by yourself the entire time.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Thank you for taking the time to respond with good advice!
I am used to doing a lot by myself as he works in another state as a CFI because he needed to find somewhere that had better weather so he could get more hours. And we were talking about finally moving back in together before the baby got here because this lease was about to run out.
But then this happened. He said he didn't want to hear from us or have anything to do with us. But he hasn't blocked me as I can see he read my last text to him on Monday. Do you think I should just text him to ask if we can do marriage counseling again or if it's too late? I mean, at this point, we're already getting divorced. So it can't make it any worse. I just haven't pushed him since I know in the past when he says he wants space, he has told me that me pestering him does not help the situation. But I'm also worrying that what if he's trying to see if I'll actually attempt to fix this and is waiting for me to say something. I don't know. This was just so out of the blue, and I don't know what to do.
And he said the papers from the lawyer I should have in 3 days, but the sheriff still hasn't come yet.
PhillyPilot@reddit
It doesn’t sound like aviation is the cause here. I hate to say this but if this is really the case… lawyer up and get him for everything he’s got.
Flying21811@reddit
Nothing to do with aviation. I’d go through with the divorce and collect child support to get that money back. He used you - & badly.
EchoKiloEcho1@reddit
This is reminiscent of a somewhat common pattern with doctors - wife financially supports the husband through med school & residency, then when he’s finally bringing in money he divorces her to find someone “better” (aka younger/hotter).
I’m generally opposed to alimony, but this “A heavily financially invests in B’s career” situation is one of the few where I think it is entirely warranted.
nyc2pit@reddit
This is reminiscent of a somewhat common TROPE with doctors.
As a doctor who knows hundreds of other doctors, I can tell you I know maybe 1 person this apples to.
Stop painting with a broad brush.
EchoKiloEcho1@reddit
And I personally know multiple doctors who have done this. My personal experience may not be fairly representative, but neither is yours.
Also, knowing “hundreds” of doctors well enough to know the details of their home lives … you must be quite the social butterfly.
nyc2pit@reddit
I know enough to know who's getting divorced and who's fucking a nurse in the supply closet lol.
The hospital is like a high school... There are very few secrets.
Man I thought my fellow surgeons were arrogant, but you guys take the cake lol.
EchoKiloEcho1@reddit
You know what, you’re right - I’ll retract the “somewhat common” language as that overstates the frequency. It likely happens less than I would guess and more than you would. It is a trope because it is a massively awful thing to do and therefore is particularly memorable. It’s not limited to doctors, of course (or to men), but it is more strongly associated with doctors (likely because of the relatively long “investment” period, the often rapid switch from “broke” to high income, and the “high school” like environment of hospitals).
So I appreciate your specificity on that point. But your passion for defending doctors as a group is interesting - if you are one, you certainly know that plenty are huge assholes.
nyc2pit@reddit
I am one, and I agree with you.
But hanging out on this subreddit, I have to say I think there are more asshole pilots than asshole doctors.
We have a saying about surgeons "often wrong but never in doubt." I've never seen that be more true than here.
Also tropes are for lazy people. Don't subscribe to tropes.
EchoKiloEcho1@reddit
Oh, I’m sure that (as groups) pilots can easily hold their own with doctors - especially professional pilots.
I obviously do not think that doctors (particularly surgeons) and pilots are equivalent, but both require prolonged investment to acquire relatively rare skills that carry some social status and put them in the position of making life or death decisions for others … that basic pattern both attracts and encourages arrogance/assholishness.
nyc2pit@reddit
Agreed.
As a professional doctor and a recreational pilot, the parallels are quite interesting.
For instance, I get a weekly newsletter from pilot edge or one of those companies that always has a topic of discussion question, followed by an answer from a "expert." They're interesting, and I always read them, usually learn something from it.
But oh my god... The comment section. Everyone has their own opinion, and feels that it's world saving important that they express their opinion and disparege everybody else's opinion. Then there's always a guy trying to sell his book in the comments. Then there's always the contrarian.
It's like clockwork every week lol. I suppose you could say that's the comment section on the internet about anything, but this particular site does seem to generate a lot of bickering no matter what the topic is.
stealthybutthole@reddit
The divorce rate in the US is like 40-50% for first marriages. You’re telling us you know hundreds of doctors, and the intimate details or their personal relationships, well enough to say there’s no truth to the trope? Lol
nyc2pit@reddit
I'm saying it's a trope, which by definition is not reality.
This isn't something you see everyday -- like you would have us believe.
stealthybutthole@reddit
The thing about tropes is… they’re tropes for a reason.
nyc2pit@reddit
You think that reason is always correct?
Or that reason it's always the same over time?
stealthybutthole@reddit
Idk man. I don’t really care that much. Hope you have a great Friday though.
nyc2pit@reddit
Same to you
Just don't be lazy with tropes. You're better than that.
Rekinom@reddit
Lol, that dude really just noped out of the conversation as soon as he had to use an iota of critical thought.
nyc2pit@reddit
😂
Peliquin@reddit
Divorce is common, but not like this. Your man seems like a JERK.
No-Magician-436@reddit
I am going to the point. Your husband is a selfish bastard. You have one child and another on the way. His priorities are his famíly. Aviation comes second. Yes it is common in aviation for this to accuer. Have seen it first hand multiple times. Given this make sure you take him for every thing he earns
PhysicalPlastic2548@reddit
Usually the husband sleeps with enough FA’s and the woman leaves. This story is a rare exception to the rule.
ahhhdukeboy@reddit
Did he put up any money for this goal?
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
No.
Airjerm49@reddit
Crazy he even gets offered a job. Part 121 states an ATP pilot is supposed to have High Moral Character.
CL60dude@reddit
What a w***er. You are better off without him. Take him to the cleaners and he will be at the regionals but living in his car where he deserves.
ytmnic@reddit
A winner???
mhammaker@reddit
It's okay. You can say weiner.
Rmauck@reddit
I inserted wanker
mhammaker@reddit
I hope you got consent first.
DBGmurdock@reddit
Waiter?
NonVideBunt@reddit
Sounds like a fake story imo. Joining the regionals doesn’t make you divorce your significant other… 20 years of commuting to reserves does.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I wasn't saying joining the regional would make someone divorce. I was asking due to DMs/comments on my other posts talking about pilot personalities having cheating being more common. I didn't word my post correctly.
RexFiller@reddit
I'm going to play devil advocate a bit since you're only giving your side of the story but most people don't just walk out on a supportive wife in a solid marriage just because they got a job offer in the future. This is probably something that has been brewing a while. You have a small child and another on the way. I've been there and it's a tough time for life/marriage especially when you're grinding toward a pilot job. He probably feels like this CJO is finally a chance to get out but doesn't want to keep staying in the marriage until then. Not saying it's your fault but I don't think its genuine to pretend someone would just leave a perfect marriage because they are a pilot. This is just your typical tough part of marriage and he's walking out for whatever his reasons are.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I can completely understand this point. I had stated in a comment on my r/Marriage post that we have a communication problem, and he doesn't tell me when something is bothering him. I had only called him out on a lie on Friday and didn't argue. I let it go. I thought we were good again. And then this.
RaidenMonster@reddit
You caught him lying about something and thought things were 90% good? Interesting.
I don’t expect the hit rate of unfaithful spouses to be any different in the aviation world than it is in medicine, hospitality, really any job that puts long/odd hours and proximity to others as a requirement. I saw PLENTY of dudes in the beer/alcohol business getting divorced over some bartender they meet out promoing.
Anyway, sucks this happened. Some people are shitbirds. You don’t seem to have a knack for spotting them. Be careful going forward.
NonVideBunt@reddit
I agree wholeheartedly that the career and lifestyle as a pilot can be conducive to cheating if that’s the kind of person you are but I’ve been happily married for almost 10 years now and never once have I been tempted to cheat on a layover or went out looking for it. I have friends not pilots that have been cheated on when their non-pilot spouse went to a work conference over the weekend, etc. if you’re a cheater, then you’ll find opportunities to do so regardless of the career. Sorry you’re going through this..
MadeForThisOnePostt@reddit
Commenting so I can come back and read it later
Negative_Swan_9459@reddit
You need to get in therapy and look out for yourself and children.
Offer does not equal job and he probably doesn’t fully understand things have slowed down… thinks he’ll be making the big bucks flying to Paris in no time. Prepare for him to come crawling back when this reality hits.
TRex_N_Truex@reddit
I had to do a deep dive through your posts to figure out exactly what’s going on here.
The industry has nothing to do with your divorce, it just happens to be adjacent to it. This ain’t the place to get any worthwhile advice for your situation. The only thing you should know is that pilots are experts at everything from finance to construction, global politics, medical science, and how “those people” are.
Creative-Dust5701@reddit
Met my SO while I was working for one of the majors (engineering) she got used to the concept that i would be away for much of the time and trip durations were unpredictable.
If your SO expects you on a predictable schedule or freaks out if you are late getting home its not gonna work. Your SO has to trust you and YOU need to trust your SO
understand that sometimes SO and kids will need to go on a planned vacation without you because of some scheduling fuckup.
YOU WILL miss significant family events its the nature of the job
Hammer466@reddit
Sorry this happened to you!
I think your story has a lit of similarities to ones I have read from the relationship partner who works multiple jobs to put their partner through law/med/dental/veterinary school and just as the good times have arrived, they get dumped, either for a much younger partner or just so the new dr/lawyer/whatever can enjoy the new higher income without partner or kids.
Again, you absolutely have my sympathies! I hope you can get a reasonable settlement so you can support yourself and the kids comfortably.
Rush_1_1@reddit
I'm a student pilot and expected a baby in October. I really don't think I'll ever do this, I love the life we are building and have been with my partner for 10 yrs. But I've also been a professional in my current field for 10 years and have never even come close to splitting or cheating behavior or whatnot so idk man. Your guy seems like a prick. Also seems like a leech.
Urawizardharry99@reddit
everything he did for you and this is how he repays you? You should go tell the airline offering him a job, maybe they should know what kind of person he his🤷🏼♂️
ne0tas@reddit
If he loses his job she loses his money.
Urawizardharry99@reddit
Sounds like she’s able to make pretty good money herself, best revenge is make him a CFI for life😂
throway9912@reddit
For everything that has been said in this thread so far -- get a prenup!!
Someone tells their one-sided story and you all pile on in support and hope the worst for the other person - without hearing a word of their story. 🤔
legitSTINKYPINKY@reddit
If both of you bring nothing to a marriage a prenup is pretty worthless
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
This isn't about the story per se. I was just trying to ask about whether this was an inevitable outcome. I'm not looking for a one-sided judgment.
throway9912@reddit
It's all about the story. You clearly wanted to share some very personal details of your relationship.
If it was inevitable, it would be a 100% divorce rate. While pilots as a group may have a higher rate of divorce, it's nowhere near 100% of pilots.
Divorce isn't pretty for any person involved. I think the most important decision you make in your life is who you decide to marry or become common law with. It will have the biggest impact on your life. Yet many decide to make emotional decisions and completely forget to rationally think about it - part of the reason so many marriages don't involve a prenup.
I have a prenup and I recommend it to everyone. Even if you're not making considerably more than your spouse, it's a great way to set expectations and understanding about finances (a huge reason for divorce).
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Understood.
dopexile@reddit
Divorce is common everywhere... 50% of marriages end in divorce. If someone gets remarried it is more like 65%.
legitSTINKYPINKY@reddit
That’s not a real stat. Or the very least a very very misleading stat. To get the 50% stat they take marriages and divorces yearly. They didn’t account for all marriages and divorces.
The actual number is 25-30%.
legitSTINKYPINKY@reddit
He’s absolutely cheating on you.
Flying4Pizza@reddit
If this is all real you got hardcore used. Get the divorce and take him to the cleaners.
Some companies care when pilots do stuff outside of work and can punish them (steal cars, trash crash pads, ect) but I doubt reporting to his future company would do anything.
Just burn him the best you can.
bobobibi520@reddit
This has nothing to do with being a pilot or aviation. Yes, aviation and working at an airline definately puts a strain on family life. There’s no denying that. Most of us just work with our significant other to manage it. Your husband just sounds like a shitbag.
mustang__1@reddit
while AIDS is definitely a thing - because of time apart wearing down the relationship and/or either perceived or actual infidelity, this guy might just be a cunt.
0xf1dd2ff@reddit
Nah, your husband is just a garden variety asshole. Good riddance, you deserve better.
findquasar@reddit
I’m sorry. I’ve been left too. I actually… can imagine how you’re feeling. I felt like the future I had been planning on and working towards died. I had believed my vows when I said them.
He cut and ran to be with his side chick. (He was not a pilot, and neither was I at this point.)
I wouldn’t say it’s the “pilot personality,” 100%, but he’s been generously given leeway to focus on himself, his training, his goals and ambitions, and not your marriage and family. You took care of everything.
He may have been feeling a lot of pressure to execute in what is now a fairly terrible low time job market. He may not have been able to see how things fit together. He may have met someone else.
My ex, very similarly, didn’t want anything. Just wanted to be free to be with the other woman. This was after I helped him pay off a ton of debt, supported certain ambitions he had, gave up an amazing job opportunity I wanted that would have made us need to move/him change jobs, etc., ad nauseam.
A friend of mine secured loans for his wife to start her business, and she took the kid, left to be with another guy, and then didn’t get remarried until his alimony ran out. He paid for her to have left him and to live with someone else.
I’ve flown with pilots who stayed at the regionals longer (this was before decent pay) and I quote, “so their ex-wives would get less.”
People do fucked up shit all the time. That’s why I hate the repeat advice on here for people wanting to work in the US of “just get married.” While to the person saying that it’s a joke, but someone is going to see it as an actual solution and do it.
So, no, I don’t think it’s inherent to aviation. The same things happen in other careers. I do think aviation causes more, and deeper, stresses on relationships and will expose cracks sooner that may otherwise stay hidden. There’s a certain amount of required trust and independence in this industry and some people just aren’t capable of that.
It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex got what he needed. Now it’s time to take care of you and your kids.
I hope you get a lot of amazing therapy and are able to come back from this even stronger and more able to recognize what lead to this.
IrishConnection97@reddit
Definitely down to him.
Many pilots I know are very happily married and love the time they spend with their families.
FrankIsLoww@reddit
I am married on my flight training journey, and it’s hard on us financially. We have to be very strict with money while i’ll try to make my way through.
Just the fact that my wife goes through the struggle so i can make my dream come true means the world to me. She actually jokes about “if you divorce me once your finally make it I would kill”. Of course I would never do that, but it is a scary thought for her. We always are dreaming about how one day we’ll be able to afford a house, vacations, a nice car, and a couple kiddos. All of which is not possible on our current low salary’s, but hopefully once I reach the airlines.
The fact you supported him through all his training and time building, just for him to flake at his first job offer is vile and I hope I never have the dishonor of flying with him. Get a good lawyer, get your pay out, and try to heal after. Even after all you’ve done for him, if he wasn’t the one why waste anymore time with him.
anjuna42@reddit
I can’t believe this is a real story. It’s just too psychopathic to marry someone and have kids with them so they will pay for your education and then divorce them once it’s done.
findquasar@reddit
Is it?
People here tell foreign pilots just to “get married” to solve their visa issues all the time. They are giving advice, even jokingly, that could lead to a situation like this.
I know someone being duped into it right now, and she won’t listen.
I think you’re underestimating what people are willing to do for a free ride.
Plus it sounds like OP makes good money. If this were to get nasty, she could end up owing him alimony initially.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I don't make good money. I just worked multiple jobs.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
I hope that's not how it started. I don't believe that's how the relationship started out. He was even fine literally up until Saturday. On Sunday, he just changed. I have no idea what happened. The conversation on Saturday was about goals that would not be compatible with this. But he woke up early on Sunday, so I never saw him on Sunday, and when he was on his way back from work, he texted this. So I am just looking for answers.
thanksforallthetrees@reddit
My eyebrows just got higher and higher the further I read. Make sure to claw back everything and more from this POS. Sorry you’re going through this, we’re not all terrible.
BroomstickBiplane@reddit
It wouldn’t surprise me if he thinks by getting a divorce now he’s protecting future income from high alimony/child support. Get a good lawyer OP.
My dad’s wife was a nurse, and put her ex through medical school. She worked full time and took care of the kids. Then once he graduated he left, because he no longer needed her.
We’re obviously only getting one side of the story here, but your husband sounds like that.
Burgershot621@reddit
It’s common, but I wouldn’t say it’s the “norm” if that makes sense. It’s not a “right of passage” for a career pilot to have at least one divorce, as much as people want to joke about it. As far as your situation goes without knowing both sides, it’s a shitty thing for your husband to do. From my experience seeing this with other people (not only in aviation) the person that leaves like this was always that person. Im sorry you have to go through this OP.
AeriePuzzleheaded675@reddit
Interview divorce lawyers and get a fucking shark. He is and will always be self-centered, the sector doesn’t make him one.
97esquire@reddit
Spent my whole life in aviation - Never marry a pilot. BTW, when women started getting jobs as pilots I saw it both ways, where the husbands supported the wives and then they got dumped.
Baystate411@reddit
This dude just sounds like a shitbag. He was one before becoming a pilot, aviation didn't do this to him.
saml01@reddit
Alimony, Child Support, because she supported him through the degree and flight training the division of property is further in her favor.
wishiwerebeachin@reddit
As long as she has a good lawyer this will be the costliest mistake of his life.
CraftsmanConnection@reddit
Marriage is the root cause of divorce.
bodminlee@reddit
He’s having an affair
navigate2me@reddit
You gave him everything that you could and he did this to you, wow. What a terrible asshole! I can’t give you any advise but I pray that you and your kids are able to continue living a happy life, hopefully you end up with someone who respects your efforts! This is nasty, remember karma will take care of how he treated you.
Mazer1415@reddit
He used you to get what he wanted. It’s not an aviation thing. It’s him being a POS.
SilentPlatypus_@reddit
The industry can be difficult on relationships. It requires time away from home, difficult schedules that can impact everything from being at your kid's soccer game to being home for Christmas. The spouse at home has to be okay with being essentially a single parent for half the week and being fully responsible for kid transport, appointments, shopping, pet care, home maintenance, etc. Depending on how the die of fate rolls, this is often done in exchange for not super great takehome pay, which often means the part-time single parent also works on top of everything else.
Many people have long-term successful relationships in this situation, but it requires communication, understanding, and both people being patient and caring about the unusual stresses that their partner is dealing with.
But that's for people actually living the life. Your husband isn't in the industry. Whatever his deal is, it's not about the flying thing.
runnymountain@reddit
IM SO SORRY.
You paid for him and he is now divorcing you right before he starts making some money?
You deserve better.
GeorgiaPilot172@reddit
Sounds like he’s making himself available for all the flight attendants he’s about to meet
capsug@reddit
I’ll actually answer your questions instead of passing judgment on people after reading one side of a story.
Yes, divorce & failed relationships are common among pilots.
Yes, pilots have an earned reputation for infidelity since it doesn’t take a criminal mastermind to cover your tracks a thousand miles from home.
No, I don’t think it’s more common than realized. If anything I think it’s the opposite. As prevalent as cheating is, I don’t even think a majority of married people in the profession do it whereas in the public consciousness it feels universally accepted that all pilots are sleeping around.
A lot of relationships fail period. Love is a choice that we make every single day. A decision made in perpetuity, and the decision can be very easy or very hard to make depending on a lot of circumstances.
MyInvisibleInk@reddit (OP)
Thank you for taking the time to respond. That's all I was looking for. To know if I essentially set up my relationship to fail by assisting in this goal or if this was just on him, as a person.
I appreciate your insight.
capsug@reddit
I have seen it from both sides, the wife and the husband, and in all sorts of career fields where there is a lucrative pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
A relationship where one person incubates the ambitions and career prospects of their spouse while ignoring their own with the expectation of a big payoff down the line is risking an outcome other than what they envision. You see it even more in medical school. One person works grueling dead end jobs to get the other through it debt free and then you’re left with a wildly imbalanced relationship at the end. The orthopedic surgeon and the construction worker—not a common pairing and there’s a reason for that.
I don’t wish you or your husband anything but the best though. I hope you find what really matters in life and understand that child support or alimony will not heal what is broken.
cpav8r@reddit
I think you can just say divorce is common. Period.
grain_farmer@reddit
Absolute wanker
Gorn_DNA@reddit
Do it early, do it often 😂
s2soviet@reddit
I honestly can’t believe this is real.
ne0tas@reddit
Hire a good good GOOD lawyer and make sure to get enough money for your kids AND you, how dare he do that to you. How sad. Drain his wallet and live a good life and find someone who will love you
F1shermanIvan@reddit
Sorry to hear of the shitty situation you’re in, that has got to be hard.
Your husband is an absolute trash can though, and I can’t imagine how big of an asshole that you’d have to be to TEXT your wife that you’re filing for divorce.
Honestly, a phone call to the company that is hiring him letting them know what kind of person they’re getting would seem appropriate, IMHO.
TheAceOfSpades115@reddit
Take him to the cleaners. It’s not often I agree with the divorce courts system but in this case, screw him.
beachsand83@reddit
Man this post just hurts my heart. My wife is supportive of my aviation goals including partially financial, and to me this feels like he is backstabbing you. How awful.
Destraumis@reddit
Less to do with him being a pilot and more to do with him being a douchebag. Sounds like he used you to achieve his career goals and once that was accomplished he no longer had a need to stick around.
rFlyingTower@reddit
This is a copy of the original post body for posterity:
I’m going through something incredibly difficult right now and trying to make sense of it all. Five days ago, my husband (who just got an offer from a regional) told me he wanted a divorce. We’ve been together for 10 years, have a 2-year-old, and I’m currently less than 3 months away from giving birth to our second child. On Sunday, he left work, texted me that he was filing, hasn’t come home since, and has ghosted me out of nowhere. It was completely unexpected.
I met my husband almost 11 years ago and he stated to me how being a pilot was a dream of his, but he didn't think he would be able to achieve it (he was older than me and had failed in his first pursuit of being a pilot and had high student loan balances from ERAU). I saw how sad that made him, so I decided to figure out how to make it happen. I worked on saving money and during this time completed his degree for him. Then, in my mid 20s. I finally approached him with the idea of him finally pursuing his dream as I'd finally saved the amount he'd agreed I'd needed for him to want to quit his job for flight training. So for the next 3+ years, I 100% supported his career path into aviation. I provided all of the financial support for him to go to ATP, paid on his student loans (both from ERAU and ATP), supported his training, taking care of the first kid pretty much alone, and subsequent low pay/long hours as CFI for him to get his hours (even paying to rent planes for extra hours as well). I fully believed in the life we were building together. I don't believe I was overly needy either (I got that as a possible reason for him leaving in my prior posts). He got his hours and even did an airline interview and I believe he got the job (he just never gave me any update from it). We were just making plans for the future days before this happened. Then it all disappeared overnight. All of our hardwork throughout my 20s, gone. Now I'm practically 30 and have nothing for my future. I have no 401k. I have no savings. Nothing. I do have my children and I'm happy for that at least.
I’ve seen hints in my previous posts that I've been making over the past few days that the aviation lifestyle can be hard on relationships, with pilots being notorious cheaters. I guess I’m asking: is this more common than I realized? Do a lot of relationships struggle or fail in this field?
I’m not just looking for the bad stories, either. If you’re in aviation and have made it work, especially with kids, what kept your relationship strong?
Thanks in advance for any insight.
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