Obituary math is complicated, I guess?
Posted by nerdrific@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 14 comments
My grandmother died yesterday. Full acknowledgment that I’m lucky to have had a surviving grandparent at my age and have known her.
I just read her online obituary. I know my dad didn’t write it and one of his siblings did. What I don’t know is how the author arrived at the number of grandchildren and great grandchildren mentioned. The numbers are not the biological number, nor the total number. I’m stumped as to who is included and excluded in terms of stepkids and such. No patterns I’ve thought of match what is published. I wonder what was considered and what all of ours will look like in those terms.
YOMAMACAN@reddit
My mom wrote the obituary for a family friend and the number of kids listed became a big drama. The deceased had an illegitimate child before his marriage that he had little contact with (only using that word for brevity, I know people aren’t illegitimate). His kids hadn’t known that had this half-sibling and it was discovered upon his death (other family members knew and kept the secret from his kids).
One of his bio kids gave my mom the obit information about number of kids leaving off the half-sibling. Another sibling called the next day and updated the number to include the half-sibling. They went back and forth until she finally had to tell them to come to a consensus and give her a final number. They eventually included the half-sibling and now the sibling that wanted to leave out the half-sibling refuses to talk to my mother. It’s been two years. 😂
Infamous_Towel_5251@reddit
I'm kind of surprised how often this happens. I can think of 3 situations where people found out at the funeral or upon reading the obit that they had half or step siblings or that the person who died had been married before.
habu-sr71@reddit
Millions of people never have an obituary written and die without much fanfare.
My condolences for the loss of your beloved grandmother.
Prestigious_Stay7162@reddit
Just jumping into this conversation to say that if any of you have living older relatives, do video histories with them now. Like, today if possible.
It always seems like there will be more time. Or you think you'll remember these stories. But memories fade and even the things that are firmly wedged in your brain right now will become fuzzy and forgotten soon.
Also ask them to label any photos. Names, dates, relationships. Don't write directly on the photos.
Here's a list of questions I pulled online, but there are lots of other examples.
https://oralhistory.library.ucla.edu/pages/family_history
StrictFinance2177@reddit
I have a great aunt with one of these obituaries. Her list was out of control and very long. Despite only having 5 grandchildren of her own.
When I asked why it was so long, I was reminded that our family records were destroyed many times over, and my grandparents were all camp survivors in WWII. So the obituary was an attempt to put out a bigger record of the family tree. Knowing we needed more records out there, to try to reconnect our family. We all have tried, used services, and worked with professional genealogists, and our history is lost. Her long reaching obituary was her wish, recognizing how records are kept.
Prestigious_Stay7162@reddit
Have you contacted the American Jewish Historical Society and the Wyner Family Jewish Heritage Center? The latter is connected to a well respected genealogical society that has certified experts who specialize in tracing Jewish families.
CrankyDoo@reddit
My father remarried after divorcing my mother. His wife wrote his obituary. She misspelled my name. What was so utterly stupid about that was, we had a polite relationship devoid of any drama, and we were in regular contact during the funeral prep. All she had to do was ask, or at least run the obit by me before posting. She didn’t bother.
Resident_Lion_@reddit
when my pops died my mom wrote it. i'm from a complicated family situation with step, adoptions, etc. my mom did the same shit and the math didn't math. me and my siblings still talk about who she intentionally left off. i'm guessing i was for sure one of em
-ApocalypsePopcorn-@reddit
Boomer made a guess and went with it. Do not attempt to understand the boomer mind.
nerdrific@reddit (OP)
You make a fair point.
Ihaveaboot@reddit
I'm the one that downvoted them, because it was an unhelpful "shit on boomers" off the cuff reply for me.
I don't think you'll get any answers to your question here, other than ask your dad for his take on the obituary.
My last living grandparent passed away 20 years ago, and I learned a few interesting things about that leg of my family's history afterwards. Nothing shady, but interesting... such as her birth date was incorrectly documented, and she knew it but preferred the incorrect DOB on her immigration papers - so all my HBD cards to grandma were a bit of a sham 😀
She also apparently won a modest prize on a gameshow in the 60s that was never collected.
Either way, sorry for your loss. Grandparents were a big part of my childhood.
nerdrific@reddit (OP)
You’re right, I’ll need to talk to my dad about it sometime soonish but when the loss of his mother isn’t so fresh. Thanks for your perspective.
Status_Silver_5114@reddit
Ask? Maybe but not “sometime soon”. Give your dad time to grieve. In the grand scheme it’s not a big deal. And mistakes in obits always happen. Not to mention sometimes people are jerks and leave out step (or lgbt relationships and other judgey bs) and use that moment to show who they think is family. If it’s not an issue for your dad - leave him alone until it is.
-ApocalypsePopcorn-@reddit
You make a fair point.