Going to bars/pubs alone, frequently receiving unwanted attention (22f). Any advice on what to do?
Posted by ThrowRAOElham@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 108 comments
I am a 22 year old woman currently living in a fairly small city & don’t have many close friends here.
I would love to go to a library, café etc rather than a bar, however, by the time I have finished work, these places are closed, so I feel like the choices are fairly limited & it is difficult to find somewhere safe to sit down & relax in the late afternoon/evenings. It does not help that I live in a relatively small city, either. Due to this, I regularly go to bars or pubs on my own. I either take a book to read whilst there, listen to music & relax, or call my friends/family who live abroad.
I do not go out solo in hopes of making new friends (though I am not opposed to that idea at all & I am open to it), I just enjoy my own company & am an introvert. I would be more than delighted if I was approached by a woman & we became friends, yet it only ever seems to be exclusively men I am approached by.
I most recently was followed out of the bar by a man who I very politely turned down but he would not leave me alone for a good 15 minutes after I left the place. I ended up getting a taxi home just to avoid him out of safety, especially as it was dark outside. Numerous other strange encounters occurred that same day, too. Not all encounters are this extreme (they are mostly compliments & some men are truly respectful), but they are always surrounding appearance & beauty. Even when I am not approached, I can always feel the stares & have sometimes overheard conversations about me when I don’t have earphones in.
I try not to give it much thought, but I suppose this issue would decrease if I was out with a friend or in a group, which throws me off going out alone. On a few occasions, men have even come up to me & asked why I am sitting by myself… they seem genuinely surprised at times.
It doesn’t matter what sort of bar I go to & in what area, it happens regardless. I keep to myself & either busy reading or on my phone (with earphones in), yet cannot seem to escape it.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Agitated-File1676@reddit
People go to bars/pubs to meet new people, and societally, men will see these settings as appropriate places to approach you. I'm not saying it's okay.
As a guy I used to wind down at my local bar with a beer after work on my own, and it's not fair you can't do the same without being bothered or feeling unsafe.
Hot-Image4864@reddit
It is okay.
Purple_ash8@reddit
You what?
Hot-Image4864@reddit
It is okay to approach people in pubs and bars.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
If you're a creep.
Hot-Image4864@reddit
This is the kind of response that's keeping so many people these days from developing their social skills - in other words, creating creeps.
It is wrong to harass people. It is not wrong to approach people.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
I disagree. There are perfectly nice normal men, with good social skills, and there's a subset of grubs who harass women in bars and make it everyone's problem. OP has already repeatedly said her problem is not with nice chatty people, it's with those who say horrible things and follow her home. That's not "poor social skills".
Hot-Image4864@reddit
I was responding to this comment:
It is okay to approach people in these settings, that's a large portion of what they're there for, whether to flirt or find new friends. It's obviously not okay to harass people.
The internet seems to have a growing habit of telling people that being social is a bad thing, and if nobody challenges that, it will become far too common, and hurt a lot of people in the long run, it already is with all that 'manosphere' nonsense and so on.
taskkill-IM@reddit
Explain that concept? A pub/bar is a place people go to interact... if you want to be in a protective place where social interactions are deemed unacceptable then go in your house...
We can't live in a world where people are afraid to talk to each other, this type of behavior is damaging and is making people more introverted and socially inept. Going out and meeting new people is all part of a natural human response, taking that away just leaves you with these people that are like "I hate people" and those type of people are miserable as fuck.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
"We can't live in a world where people are afraid to talk to each other"
Decent men know how to start a conversation, with other men or with women. They... start a conversation. It's easy if you think women are human beings.
What this thread is about is creepy men who don't "just start a conversation", they start hassling. They don't have any conversation. They have nothing interesting to say. They're the ones who are "socially inept". They don't walk off when others find them uninteresting - they double down. Then they get aggressive, because they think they're owed women's attention.
The only ones who insist it's their right to "connect with humanity" are those who bother people reading books or wearing headphones, who are clearly disinterested in conversing. What makes them think their observations are so special women must remove their headphones for them?
Talk with people who want to talk to you. They're easy to find - they're in close proximity to you and are probably looking at you. Talk to them. Woman reading a book by herself? Doesn't want to talk to you. Don't care if you think she's introverted and socially inept, because hey - your opinion of her means nothing to her.
taskkill-IM@reddit
I'm not saying otherwise.... my retort was to a retort about approaching people being "creepy".
It's not creepy to approach and converse.... yes it's creepy to not know when to fuck off, or when you start following people (much like op stated in her instance). To suggest someone approaching another is a "creepy guy" situation is dumb, reading a book or not.... find me a bar where people on their own don't have their heads buried in their phones, you won't walk into a bar/pub and see a lone person sat there waiting for a conversation.
If I were to walk up to someone (man or woman) and they were reading, and I made conversation and they politely smiled and responded and then continued to read I would see that lack of engagement as a sign of no interest and walk away.... am I creepy for talking to that person? No... I would be creepy had I stuck around and bothered that person though.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
Yes but what possesses you to go up and talk to someone who is reading?
Do you go up to men who are reading and talk to them?
Are you going to say something riveting like... what are you reading?
I can assure you, not one man who ever made me take my headphones off to "start a conversation" had anything valuable to say.
taskkill-IM@reddit
The fact they are in a public area that is mainly a social hub? I get if it was in a library, then yeah, it's an area that mainly consists of absolute quiet and concentration.... if someone is reading a book on their own in a noisy environment I'm just under the assumption they are passing time.
I've spoken to men in the next cubicle whilst sitting on the toilet, a man reading a book wouldn't deter me from a conversation unless he was reading something like mein kampf.
It depends on the circumstances... If I approach them then yeah, clearly the book is what has caught my eye... but if I'm in a busy area and every booth/seat is taken and an available spot happens to be near the person reading the book then my conversation may be something completely unrelated... I don't like awkward or unsociable silences, so if I'm sat next to someone I may try to start a conversation by asking them how their day has been, if they do not want to talk then I'll happily move somewhere else or unsociably look at my phone.
Okay, but just because your experiences are dull, doesn't mean everyone is, and not every man looking to make a conversation is some sort of creepy pest... I get it when they are just not getting the hint or following you (like OPs case).
If reading in a bar to you is some sort of social sign of "leave me alone" then why is someone sitting on their phone scrolling through Instagram reels any different? What do we do as a society? Just assume everyone on their own doesn't want to talk? Tell men don't speak to women? Great sociable progress. I'm not surprised most males aged 15-24 are sociably inept and can barely hold a conversation with the opposite sex.
I mostly dating apps for this type of thing, back in the 00s I'd go out and speak to random girls at bars/pubs/clubs I'd even speak to them (god forbid) on public transport. If they weren't interested I'd move on, if they were the conversation would progress, and sometimes girls would approach me, crazy I know but that's how you met people in the olden days... I'd be fucked now if I wanted to meet someone of the opposite sex, I'd have to go on a site that requires me to enter my height, weight, net income and how big my house is.
Purple_ash8@reddit
I’m going to have to strongly disagree with that. Bars, maybe, but not pubs. You’re not putting it out there and opening yourself up for it just by wanting a quiet shandy or glass of wine.
Hot-Image4864@reddit
And I strongly disagree with you, and further, you're pushing for a more isolated, miserable world.
Purple_ash8@reddit
Look, having a quiet drink doesn’t mean a woman’s asking for it.
Thaddeus_Valentine@reddit
If someone says no or asks to be left alone you should respect that, but there is nothing wrong with making an initial approach to gauge interest. Especially in a place like Wetherspoons to be fair which is literally designed as a concept for people to talk and be social.
Purple_ash8@reddit
To talk and be social with people you already know, yes. Not random strangers. Flirting in a pub is just really tacky.
Thaddeus_Valentine@reddit
Well that's your opinion and if meeting someone in a pub isn't for you then fine, but lots of relationships have started that way and not just intimate ones. Lots and lots of people enjoy engaging with strangers when in the pub. It's not some alien concept.
Purple_ash8@reddit
I didn’t say engaging with strangers at the pub platonically is an alien concept.
Thaddeus_Valentine@reddit
You're not wrong.
But somebody wouldn't know, just from looking at another person, that they want to be by themselves until going up and trying to interact. Which is why I said there is nothing wrong with the initial act of going up to someone, but once they make it clear they want to be left alone then that needs to be respected.
Thaddeus_Valentine@reddit
You're not wrong.
But somebody wouldn't know, just from looking at another person, that they want to be by themselves until going up and trying to interact. Which is why I said there is nothing wrong with the initial act of going up to someone, but once they make it clear they want to be left alone then that needs to be respected.
taskkill-IM@reddit
No one is saying people are asking for it, but if I (a man) were to be sitting in a bar or pub, and was approached by someone socially I wouldn't be taken aback by it... if I didn't want to socialise it is then for me to convey that to them by simply saying "I'm sorry..." followed by my reason why I want to be left alone.
The problem is since covid a lot of people want to be isolated in these bubbles, it's up to everyone else to tread on eggshells in socially strong places.
I get it if OP was minding their business and some guy was like "alright luv, show us ya tits" then yeah, that guy is a prick and a simple "fuck off" should suffice, but people just genuinely approaching you in a social place like a bar/pub is going to happen, which sucks for the OP being an introvert.
Hot-Image4864@reddit
It's about "asking for it" or not - you're trying to defend a position that makes socialzing a bad thing, talking to people is not a bad thing, a little flirting is not a bad thing. If they're not interested, they can say so, or you can pick up on it from their lack of response.
Telling people they shouldn't interact unless they're in whatever arbitrary situations you define is just absurd, and a step towards a more disconnected society.
AdjectiveNoun111@reddit
This is what Tinder has done to people.
It used to be 100% normal to approach people in public spaces and pubs/bars were the number one place to meet people.
It's now considered weird and borderline harassment to even approach a woman, instead we just all swipe endlessly on dating apps and turn looking for love into an algorithm based job interview simulator.
I personally think that simply approaching someone shouldn't be seen as bad, if you get told no and then leave them alone afterwards that's a utterly acceptable and normal human interaction.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
"Approach" as in start a normal conversation, the way a man might do with another man? Sure. Great. Nice blokes do this. They chat like normal people and no one gets upset.
Dickhead blokes don't "start conversations" or "want to chat". They want to make some sort of horrible comment about a woman's appearance or what she's doing or some gross sexual comment.
I've never been bothered by men chatting to me like I'm a human being. The ones who get told to fuck off are being disgusting.
Hopeful_Marmalade@reddit
I think the vibe of a woman sitting quietly in a bar reading her book should indicate that she wants to read her book. If she wanted to socialise, she’d be sitting there trying to catch people’s eye or strike up conversation herself.
purply_otter@reddit
Honestly the most effective ultimate way to get men to leave you alone is mention your boyfriend, even if you do not have one
How are you Good thanks , seeing boyfriend tomorrow
Nice earrings Thx, boyfriend gave them to me
Etc
imokaytho@reddit
Just saying you have a boyfriend doesn't work sometimes, you have to point at the most intimidated looking man in the room and say that's my boyfriend.
purply_otter@reddit
This could easily backfire, the guys wife could come in and sit next to him. The antagonist could say huh but I know him. Etc
imokaytho@reddit
That's true, or maybe ask the guy beforehand if he can pretend to be your boyfriend? I've done it before and it's always worked
Organic_Hurry_5758@reddit
that’s a good idea to be fair, providing the two men in this scenario don’t know each other
evilcnut@reddit
This is the way!
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your reply.
I forgot to add this to my original post, but I say I am engaged & even switch my ring & wear it on my left ring finger when I am out (which might sound like a tad too much, but it has been helpful). Whilst not foolproof (as some seem to not care & look past it), it has been good.
purply_otter@reddit
The fake engagement ring Nish a good one
Sorry to hear the 'i am engaged' technique does not always work for you. Usually if they dont back off after THAT it can be a bigger issue so pls stay safe
Significant_Gur_7587@reddit
I’ve stopped doing this myself cause theirs is no way to solve it. Recently though I saw a very cute woman in the street in London (where I live), she was approached by a guy and I could totally see her expression being like “s* here we go”, but when he asked her something, she said something in French, the guy was so confused that had to leave. I thought it was genius!!
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
It is a shame that there are very few third spaces & places that are not bars/pubs. I dress down & don’t look my best on purpose to avoid these encounters, but it has not made much difference.
I speak Italian & a bit of French, so the switching language idea is genius.
Significant_Gur_7587@reddit
Me too! I speak Spanish, so I’ll use that.
Significant_Gur_7587@reddit
There is*
Geefresh@reddit
I often go to places where the whole point is to socialise just to be on my own...
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
As stated in my post, they are the only places open in the evenings in the small city I live in. Unlike Italy where I am originally from, libraries & coffee shops are not open until late everywhere in the UK, & going to bars alone is deemed to be odd here by many people as opposed to parts of the Mediterranean where it is both normal to go alone or with loved ones.
Geefresh@reddit
Well, you said it yourself then. Here it's odd to go to those places on your own. That's the social convention. If I wanted to relax and be on my own, I wouldn't go to a place where socialising is expected; I'd go home.
Brian_from_accounts@reddit
Yes this is exactly what I picked up on. We are reading a sculpted narrative, not a raw cry.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
That is your personal opinion & you are entitled to that, however, as the OP, I can assure you this is the latter.
From a simple post, it is hard for me to believe you can be so confident yet so wrong in your conclusion.
What would truly make it a so-called “raw cry” to you? What would I have to do? Do tell!
Brian_from_accounts@reddit
Your responses are fascinating.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
"Women should stay indoors if they don't want attention" like do fuck off
Geefresh@reddit
No. *People* who don't want to socialise, shouldn't be surprised when they go to places where the social convention is to socialise to be alone, that people find that odd. If a dude said the same thing, I'd say the same thing, but nice try at making it a gender issue Uno Reverse-stylee!!!
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
A narcissist is a new one! From this alone, I am certain such events have never happened to you, hence it is hard for you to put yourself into a woman’s shoes. For all you know, I may despise my appearance & be very conscious of how I look. Not once have I mentioned a single thing indicating that this all happens because of how attractive I am, nor have I hinted towards my looks.
I can assure you that the vast majority of women face a similar issue, regardless of beauty.
If simply speaking about my experience & asking for advice leads you to form such judgement however, so be it…
Geefresh@reddit
Maybe it's a language thing and how you put it. But if a dude said the same thing, I would've thought the same thing. "Women hit on me when I go to pubs in the evening to be alone! And everywhere I go people talk about how good-looking I am!". I'd think he was a weirdo. What do you get from being in a pub that you don't get from relaxing and being at home? Why *do* you go to pubs if you know the social convention is that it is expected that people do so to socialise?
Again, not trying to justify people creeping, coz there's no justification for that. 'If you misuse it, you lose it' would be my policy if I were president, so, pretty extreme.
Uncoordinatedfitness@reddit
I am an introvert and do things solo a lot. I would say I am average looking/below average and rarely ever get approached. (I will caveat that I a bit am older and have RBF and I also live in a big city so slightly different experiences).
Here’s some thoughts:
Try more expensive bars like at nice hotels. Or fancy cinemas or theatres. People are less likely to disturb you or the staff will be more willing to intervene.
Try to avoid classic British pubs between 5pm - 9pm when it is peak socializing / post work drinks as that tends to be a time people expect groups to be in the pub and will approach people alone.
Pretend not to speak English. I have a short line in French practiced for if I am ever harassed when out.
Look for cafes that turn into bars as they tend to have less of that approach culture
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
I like to just say "I don't speak English" in English. It confuses them and gets the job done!
(I can speak to other languages conversationally but this gets better results)
Hopeful_Marmalade@reddit
Are there lies that would repel them? “Sorry I’m not interested. I’m exhausted after my radiotherapy, I’ve got labial cancer and I’m incontinent plus I have unmedicated schizophrenia”.
Valuable_K@reddit
You’re going to get a lot of shit from unattractive people in the comments here.
Complaining about something like this to the hideous and charmless folk of Reddit is like going to a third world country and complaining that your wallet is too heavy.
Fuck them though. Hope you get some good advice.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for your comment, it is very assuring to read.
I have not once mentioned anything about my appearance in my post; If anything, I could find myself to be ugly or unattractive… the last thing I intended was to come across as vein or self-absorbed.
This is a real issue I am certain almost every single woman experiences, many on the daily.
I purposely dress down, wear modest clothing, keep my head down & avoid eye contact, wear a wedding ring etc, just generally mind my own business when I am out alone.
Nothing has helped, sadly.
No_Soup7518@reddit
It’s a real shame, as a man I love a bit of quiet time alone in a pub. It’s a real shame women can’t have the same
updownclown68@reddit
I’m do frustrated by this, it’s so unfair that as a woman we don’t get to enjoy the peace men do. Utilise the staff at the bar/pub. If someone won’t leave you alone tell them and ask for their support.
If you get followed again go back to the pub and tell them you are being followed.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I wish it was only a one off thing. Unfortunately, I don’t think any woman is a stranger to this.
While I think it is acceptable & quite admirable for a man in this day & age to approach a woman, there is a clear difference between being spoken to politely & taking the hint if she is not interested, versus not leaving her alone, catcalling, harassing, speaking loudly about her face/body to their friends in front of her, following them home etc.
Also, I am visibly in my early twenties. Some of these men look old enough to be my grandfather.
updownclown68@reddit
When you get to my age (43) and my clearly middle aged looks they will leave you alone. I’m so thankful for that. But it’s so unfair that young women are harassed endlessly. I’ve always been one for being blunt when it happened to me as a young h woman, my friends would think I was over the top but seriously, why should I be polite to someone who is invading my space?
If you are looking to make connections have you seen if Meetup has anything that interests you in your area?
evilcnut@reddit
I work in a bar and restaurant (20F) and I literally wear a T-shirt and trousers.. in ugly colours and an ugly shape! My hair is tied back and I probably look like a teenage boy! Yet still men are overly familiar, make comments about my appearance I didn’t ask for and are creepy and disgusting.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I completely resonate with you & I am sorry you have had such negative experiences.
I too make sure to intentionally dress down, wear nothing revealing/be modest, not do much when I go out. It does not seem to decrease this, though.
WanderingBasenji@reddit
I'm sorry, I'm confused; why are you going to bars if you want to be left alone? Surely staying home would be a better option?
Ultimately if you go to a place designed for socialising and you're a young woman, you're going to get hit on. I don't think there's anything you can do about that other than remove yourself from the situation.
If you really need to go out to relax, I'd recommend finding a meet-up group. Lots of cities/towns have groups for women who want to go out to bars/restaurants together. That way you can have safety in numbers.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I go to places with higher female demographics & also don’t stay out too late. I am always visibly keeping busy (reading, on the phone, earphone in etc) yet it does not really help.
As mentioned in previous replies, I come from Italy & not all bars are places where you will be guaranteed to be hit on by men constantly. Many women go alone & nobody bats an eye, nor finds it abnormal.
If other establishments were open, I would ideally visit there rather than a bar. Unfortunately, most places close relatively early in the UK.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
It's something the Brits are starting to notice too - we wish there was somewhere we could go after 6 where it wasn't deemed you were looking for men just because you're reading a book.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
This is exactly what i think makes it tricky; not having third spaces.
Pubs & bars are automatically deemed to be places that you should supposedly expect to be approached (particularly if alone), so where else is open to just sit down & relax after 5/6pm?
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
We've started to open dessert bars. I think they were started by the Muslim community who wanted places that didn't revolve around alcohol.
There might be something like that in a city.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Where I live it is predominantly white, but I am sure there are some dessert places about.
I don’t have a sweet tooth & prefer pubs/bars solely because they have more variety of things I would order on the menu, & they are a bigger/ dim lit places where I can be hidden a little.
Nikkotak@reddit
Obviously it’s not appropriate for a guy to keep hassling a girl once she has indicated she is not interested. However if you go to bars you’ll have to accept that people will approach you and try befriend you or chat you up. Thats kind of the point of bars. If you want to sit and read a book alone then sit at home in your bed and you won’t be disturbed.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
My post is not a complaint about men coming up to me & shooting their shot. That can be very much admirable, in fact.
That is to be expected whether women like it or not. I have told men I am engaged, they won’t take the hint & leave. I have been followed home. I have been stalked. I have been reduced to my body parts/physical appearance. Derogatory terms are thrown around like sweets, catcalling.
If a man goes to a pub/bar alone, I don’t think this would happen to them even once. In fact, I see plenty of them enjoying their own company in peace.
Remote-Pool7787@reddit
Wear bigger headphones
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
I just upgraded to even bigger ones and it pisses the creeps off even more.
I don't remove them, I just stare at them while they flap.
Zealousideal-Scar749@reddit
Am I the only one who finds this weird, now I’m not condoning anyone’s behaviour after being turned down, if you’re following people after that’s happened you’re a major weirdo but realistically how are people meant to make new friends and or find a man or woman these days when you can’t even approach someone without possibly being looked at as a predator or a weirdo
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I absolutely do not view a man approaching a woman as predatory or weird, I am very much for it in most instances. It anything, I am very much against how stigmatised it has become in today’s world for men & women to socialise & approach one another in real life. It is sad to hear about how men fear to approach women nowadays, it is a shame.
My apologies if it came across that way. That is not what I am referring to, however.
Zealousideal-Scar749@reddit
Well it seems that way considering you said you wouldn’t mind if it was women approaching you, nobody likes to be harassed ofc but it happens to everyone it just the social nature of humans, someone sitting alone is probably going to be approached 10x more than if you are with a friend
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Because many experiences I have had in my lifetime where it has been men approaching me, it has been unpleasant. This rarely happens with women.
I am originally Italian, so no stranger to men hitting on women & in our culture, it is the norm. However, this is far different.
Zealousideal-Scar749@reddit
That’s fair enough usually a lone woman at a bar would want to be approached seeing as it’s a bar and not a library, unfortunately you live somewhere where there’s not many cafes open after a certain time where bars are
Where I am there’s 24/7 Libraries and late evening cafes, I’ve rarely been approached there but if I were to go to a bar alone I’m sure it would be multiple approaches a night
The solution is to not go where people with relaxed inhibitions are plentiful lol
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
Great, men can enjoy bars, women should stay home.
Cultural-Eggplant592@reddit
Because when woman or nice men approach, they start a pleasant conversation, because they're normal people and they think women deserve respect.
What women don't like are horrible creeps who don't start pleasant conversations. They say something mean or negative or sexual, and they're aggressive. They feel entitled to women's attention and turn nasty when they don't get it. They're assholes.
librorum4@reddit
There's nothing wrong with men wanting to approach women romantically - or as a friend. But certain women will prefer to deter all men from approaching them, just to avoid the bad experiences.
Zealousideal-Scar749@reddit
I understand that but a bar is not the place to do that, drunk people are going to be even more likely to approach strangers isn’t that common sense?
librorum4@reddit
Depends on the bar (some are all but pubs in name) - but agree! Pubs should be manageable alone, though - I haven't had a problem in them personally. Dressing very bummy, and having papers next to me usually does the trick if I want to go alone.
Purple_ash8@reddit
People don’t normally get romantically intimate at the pub., though, do they? That’s what bars and clubs are for,
pullingteeths@reddit
Did you read the post, she said when people are polite and it's just a compliment it's fine, it's when they push it. If someone is looking at you like a predator or a creep it's because you're acting like one
Hot-Image4864@reddit
Perception is down to a lot of things, past experiences can take over from the here and now, they often do.
AdjectiveNoun111@reddit
Have you thought about meetup or similar?
You may be able to find things other than bars to do after work and may lead to meeting friends?
tingod1999@reddit
If some one is not getting the hint, be firm and just say "look, I'm not interested, I'm having some quiet time." if they continue to harass you, they are a threat, and you should go to the bar and let the staff know, or the nearest group of normal looking mixed-sex group.
Have a personal alarm in your bag, and a small can of deep-heat or similar.
It's fucking shocking that people should be afraid of going out in this day and age.
Source: my daughter went to Uni in a small city and I worried about her throughout her time there. She did make friends which helped alleviate the worry, but she did occasionally venture into town on her own.
Purple_ash8@reddit
A lot of these people get the hint. They just prefer to evade women’s boundaries.
tingod1999@reddit
And it should be shut down straight away.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for all of your suggestions.
I do struggle with being direct & straightforward (especially when I am out alone), but I will certainly try working on it.
Unknown9129@reddit
Wear a T-shirt with this printed on in caps ‘Enjoying my book & not at all interested in you. Please leave me alone.’
Equivalent_Age8406@reddit
I'd suggest going on somewhere like meetup.com and look for hobby groups, if you want to meet new friends. Pubs alone isn't the best place
SomeHSomeE@reddit
Sadly the only way this will stop is if you stop going to bars/pubs on your own.
It shouldn't be that way, it really shouldn't. But unfortunately it is. There's no point sugar coating it, or coming up with fantasy recommendations like do X Y Z and men will stop trying it on.
Purple_ash8@reddit
That’s not a fair expectation for introverts, to not go places on their own. There’s so much value in cultivating deep social networks but on a day-to-day basis most introverts don’t wait for their friends to come with them before they go to the pub., Tesco, Waitrose, Toronto or Thorpe Park.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your reply, much appreciated.
I am heavily considering just not going anymore, as it does not seem to end, despite my best efforts to reduce it. I don’t stay out until too late, don’t drink much, tried places with a better reputation, more women etc but nothing helps.
sshiverandshake@reddit
According to my older female colleagues at work, it'll stop completely once you reach your 30s
Hot-Image4864@reddit
Have you tried approaching some women yourself to find a group to hang out with? You may still be approached by strangers, but at least then you'll have your own people around you.
Randomfinn@reddit
Try the same place to become a regular and the staff can kind of look out for you. You also have to be rude, sorry we have been socialised to be nice. My daughter has a great way of turning down men - when they ask if she has a boyfriend she says “yes and he is rich. I only date rich guys, are you rich?” She would rather be seen a bitch by the stranger than be harassed or assaulted.
imokaytho@reddit
Women's toilets. Weird but it's true. Whenever I went to a club or bar alone. I'd make friends in the women's toilets, everyone is just so nice in there and if you tell anyone you came alone, they'll make you join their group anyways lol
North_Ebb_6513@reddit
Get a costume or plated fake wedding ring to wear when you are out and want to be left alone. It won’t solve all your problems but it will help to filter out some of the unwanted attention.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I have actually been doing this for some time now & it has done wonders!
Simbanite@reddit
Just go home? What am I missing? You want to be able to do solitary activities in solace. Just go home? Does this really need to be said. No. You just wanted to brag about being pretty. That's okay. I'm pretty too. I don't brag about it (except there).
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
I enjoy being in a terrace bar or outdoors for a change sometimes & it reminds me of my home country (Italy), especially the closer we are getting to the summer & during warmer days in general. I do not want to go straight home after work every single day (though that is what I am increasingly considering doing now).
It is a shame that in order to not have negative experiences, I must just go home.
Nightlife cannot be enjoyed alone here in the same way, I suppose. At the end of the day, it differs tremendously with the Mediterranean.
Brian_from_accounts@reddit
This is a “I’m not trying to be seen. That’s why you’re all looking.” post.
The subtext is: I don’t have to chase status or intimacy; my presence is enough to generate pursuit.
It’s passive dominance display. Surely everyone knows this?
tingod1999@reddit
What an absolutely cuntish reply.
You don't know what it's like to be a young woman in a new place.
ThrowRAOElham@reddit (OP)
This is something I am experiencing which has been unpleasant to say the least. I don’t quite seem to understand why it may rub off the wrong way on you, but this is a real issue I have faced & a problem I genuinely want advice on.
For you to be so sure & jump to such conclusion is rather telling & not very nice.
Phoenix-190@reddit
If you frequent the same few bars and pubs, get to know the staff more. It'll pay dividends if you find yourself needing help.
Also, although there's been some bad rep about it recently, make sure the bars you go to have ask for Angela or some similar policy.
Sudden_Star_5130@reddit
Don't go alone
snapbakclaptrap@reddit
Following at 1 upvote. I already know this is gonna be a doozy.
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