ULPT My girl’s roommate is out of pocket
Posted by Stimato_Ezio_@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 66 comments
Hey Reddit, I need some advice from some brilliant and slightly evil minds.
My girlfriend’s roommate is completely out of control. She acts like she’s the landlord, the cops, and the neighborhood committee all rolled into one. I’ve been trying to stay cool, but honestly, someone needs to humble her — creatively, of course.
She once accused my girl of stealing her umbrella in the most textbook passive-aggressive tone you can imagine — something like: “Hey 🥲 have you seen my umbrella? Because I can’t find it anymore and it was right here…” Like, girl, chill.
Then she freaked out because two potatoes were fried once. According to her, the smell lasted three days and “this house isn’t made for frying.” I mean... come on. It’s not a monastery.
She uses a filter jug filled with regular old tap water — you know, from the public sink like the rest of us — and then had the nerve to ask my girlfriend to split the €5.80 cost of the filter. Because she had two glasses. She literally tried to tax her for faucet water.
Oh, and apparently moving one of her towels during cleaning is a capital offense. My girl didn’t even use it — just moved it to wipe down the sink — and that triggered a whole meltdown.
Meanwhile, this same roommate leaves the bathroom disgusting, the stove dirty, and treats her own mess like it’s invisible. She also hides stuff around the apartment like she’s living with raccoons, and flips out if anyone dares touch one of her “sacred objects.”
To top it all off, she complains about oven use or lights being left on, like she’s running a utility bootcamp. She actually said the bill went up €40 because of this. Sis, this isn’t a coin-operated kitchen.
And yes — this is real — she accused my girlfriend of stealing a napkin. One. Single. Napkin.
So yeah, I’m trying to help my girlfriend keep her peace, but I’d also love to add a little balance to the universe with some harmless, creative chaos.
What we can do?
OkBuffalo5952@reddit
Like raccoons 😁
DLI_Applicant@reddit
is she hot?
CandidExample422@reddit
So people like this have probably been used to acting toxic for most of their lives. Does your woman even want to be roommates with her anymore? Might be best to get out.
Also if you add more chaos to this place that bitch is probably gonna double up just to get back at you guys.
Do something to screw her over might be best. But then again your girlfriend might have to find a new roommate. What a shame.
generic_version@reddit
Keep sending her those anonymous “someone hates you” gifts and messages
drfruitcake52@reddit
How have none of you noticed this is an AI post?? Revolution is coming get clued up please
The_Toaster_Oven@reddit
These are hidden smoke detector beepers. Put these inside the ceiling in her room. I've found it easiest to go through the light fixtures. Have fun
https://a.co/d/fhVxW3J
IndividualOrganic859@reddit
Trust me bro I've seen things like these a lot, girls start bitching about everything, they just want you to listen to them, if you've not seen her roommate act like she described to you it's just shit talking.
YOU ONLY HAVE TWO OPTIONS
Be worst in behaviour than her do what she does back with more intensity
OR
JUST MOVE WITH YOUR GIRL TO LIVE
phtrch@reddit
Everyone’s is doing gaslight to the girlboss right now
omg_drd4_bbq@reddit
wow, tons of quotes, em dashes, ana bolded word? really hit the chatgpt trifecta
Stimato_Ezio_@reddit (OP)
BIP BOP - 010001110--1010011101-010101111-1
xHexical@reddit
Yeah even without this it has those AI tropes.
darwins_trouser_crem@reddit
I was looking for this comment. AI ruined the internet. Now every time I see dashes a big red alarm lights up. This could be real but I'm 97% sure it's gpt and now I hate it
XemptOne@reddit
like seriously, and people get offended for calling out the emdashes... no one, and i mean no one, before AI used emdashes to the frequency you see them now. and most cant be bothered to type a special character all that much, nor would they know how...
darwins_trouser_crem@reddit
It's crazy times when punctuation raises concern. It makes me irrationally angry. Also, you used a suspicious amount of commas in your comment, man. I'm onto you, Mr. Roboto
XemptOne@reddit
commas are common... i use a lot of "..." as well...
darwins_trouser_crem@reddit
Sounds like something AI would say. I bet you check the "not a robot" box when you're doing your online shopping
LostPassenger1743@reddit
Fart loud and often. Make sure to ramp up the smell. Gain every advantage when farting
LostPassenger1743@reddit
Can we shoot/aim for a three way? Has this ship sailed?
ironicmirror@reddit
Marry your girlfriend to get her out of that roommate situation.
illuzion25@reddit
Getting out of there does not require marriage. Take it down a notch.
ironicmirror@reddit
You really think her mother will allow them to be living in sin?
illuzion25@reddit
Maybe both of their mom's are dead, ever think of that? (Taking it up a notch)
LostPassenger1743@reddit
Maybe one of each of their parents are dead but somehow and one got a new pup.(Taking the notch back to the mid.)
stevemajor@reddit
This isn't what you're looking for, but the answer is to move.
What a great excuse for the two of you to move in together!
peppermintganache@reddit
Yup 100%! I know this is ULPT but sometimes you just gotta gtfo.
concrete_marshmallow@reddit
Move all her stuff, slightly. Enough to notice, but not enough to be completely sure it was moved.
Deny deny deny.
Read_it_all-7735@reddit
Drop random ball hairs into impossible places. Inside a face cream container for example. One or two a month, same places.
Like WTF is this dude doing to/with my face cream?
Juggletrain@reddit
Eat them when she shows you them and then deny they ever existed
illuzion25@reddit
So... he's supposed to keep his balls shaved as if the roommate is going to see them, but also keep ballhair around, what, like it's a museum artifact?
Think, McFly, think.
Read_it_all-7735@reddit
I understood the implications entirely. Its called committing to a bit. Roommate in the army kept leaving soap in the shower, so I kept sticking hair to it. I also kept the 'nards hairless. After a bit of raging and denials, I whipped em out while drinking. "Its not me, muthafukka" The army is bizarrely homoerotic at times.
illuzion25@reddit
Not much explanation needed, I have a few former army buddies (I am not one) and this story definitely tracks. Although in this case it would definitely work if his girl doesn't shave, this is a good reason to get her, and him for that matter to shave.
The more I'm thinking about this the more I like it. Extrapolating, this gives them both reason to show their gentiles to the roommate. Sorry for underestimating or misunderstanding where you were coming from.
Cuneus-Maximus@reddit
...and accuse her of moving your GF's stuff.
Glittering_Fix8879@reddit
This seems AI-generated
Double_Sherbert3326@reddit
Is her apartment as well.
J-SVH@reddit
Put Nair in her shampoo 🤣
FreeShat@reddit
I'd be frying potatoes 3 times a day and keep accusing people of stealing imaginary umbrellas.
Billy did you steal my umbrella while I was frying potatoes? It was right there beside my potatoes.
Read_it_all-7735@reddit
And then one day, let her catch you using an umbrella over your head while you fry potatoes for some bizarre reason.
p3tiitp0iis@reddit
Umbrella, what umbrella? Oh, that? No no no, that's my potato frying oil shield, it's completely different! Can't fry potatoes without one of those, all the little droplets of frying oil going everywhere is a nightmare.
illuzion25@reddit
I like this very much.
illuzion25@reddit
Go way more passive aggressive. Change the doorknob on your girls bedroom door. One that locks and only you and her have a key to. Get her to put all non-perishable food and drink in her bedroom as well as all of her laundry, detergents, soaps, etc. Get her either a small set of dishes and cookware, also to be kept in her bedroom under lock and key.
Do not ever use her dishsoap to clean your dishes. Do not ever use her garbage bags/trash bin, supply your own. Do not ever clean up any mess of hers. Label everthing in the refrigerator that is not hers. Mark bottles and containers with a sharpie if you must.
You may see where I'm going with this.
Take everything she bitches about and multiply it by ten and do it with either shrugged shoulders or a smile on your face. Missing 1/10th of your oat milk? divide the cost of that oat milk by ten and that's what she owes your girlfriend. Towels are dirty and haven't been put in the laundry? Maybe her towels, not your girlfriends.
This will inevitable end in a severe meltdown but there's at least a small chance she learns a lesson.
heuristic_dystixtion@reddit
It's a pain in the ass, but this effort will pay off.
Bratchan@reddit
Bluetooth speaker and hide it. Just have it place random whispers when neither of you are there. So roommate can slowly go crazy.
Have GF go and just do things like swap all the forks and spoon location. No reason just do it. Then Act like its was always like that. Do that to other things. Move things thta are small but would be noticed. Just act like its always like it. Then GF can be like im getting concerned your memory seems not to be the best. Win her over by being overly concerned. As you watch her slowly lose it.
Cuneus-Maximus@reddit
You can get little devices that chip like crickets. Hide them around.
illuzion25@reddit
Too drastic with the furniture. Maybe swap places with plants or other decorations. Furniture is too much.
illuzion25@reddit
This isn't even gaslighting 101. This is like AP gaslighting. I like it.
VStarlingBooks@reddit
Can we be friends? I definitely need someone like you around.
combat_lobotomy@reddit
Piss discs
Unique-Abalone3179@reddit
i just joined this sub and the piss disc lore is sending me 😂
Equivalent-Cancel679@reddit
. . . Come again?
combat_lobotomy@reddit
Only if you want to.
Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit
Frisbee. Flip it. Piss it. Freeze it. Pop it.
Place it somewhere magical.
Cuneus-Maximus@reddit
'ole reliable...
No_stupid_questions9@reddit
You’re a guest in her apartment
CivilDumbledore@reddit
Why tf are you being ethical here
breakfastpitchblende@reddit
If she leaves dirty pots and pans on the stove, they go in her bed. Dirty cups or plates in common areas? In her bed. Dirty anything that should not be where it is? In her bed.
In, not on. Under the covers.
Buy several cheap little umbrellas she’s not allowed to use and display them prominently. Hide potatoes in them.
Miami_Mice2087@reddit
I have a roommate like this. For the most part, you want to greyrock her antics and ignore her as much as you can.
She will only listen to a higher authority, so learn tenant law really really well, document everything this girl does that's actually illegal (or interpretively illegal) and then send scary-sounding emails saying "if you dont' stop I'll have you evicted".
There's really no winning with someone like this, tho, only pyrrhic victories, so ultimately your girl needs to move.
dyingbreed6009@reddit
Start using her towels for after sex clean up
BrazilianButtCheeks@reddit
You can just move out together 🤷🏽♀️
taintmaster900@reddit
Acknowledge her concerns while continuing on with normal human behavior. Don't even mention that you're doing this. You might have to tolerate some screaming autistic meltdowns but it will either break her or retrain her.
MetadonDrelle@reddit
Old McDonald's under her bed. Grab about 5 big Mac meals and slowly shove them into places that will rot.
Accuse her of being trashy leaving her food rotting in her room. Just gaslight the fake landlord.
After about 5 weeks she will mentally snap or cry for about 3 days.
I used to live in old McDonald's filth. That will ruin anyone.
reddishgrape@reddit
Ask her to do a 3 way
Graceless1077@reddit
Get some of those tiny cricket noise makers that go off at random times and hide them in her bedroom
gogozrx@reddit
A friend was very concerned about water usage. I had made a bit of a mess of the driveway, and had scrubbed it clean. When I finished, I forgot to turn off the water inside, so the hose dripped a bit, for a few hours. When I say "a bit" I mean 3-4 drips per 10 seconds.
"You wasted so much! My water bill is going to be insane this quarter."
How much do you think I wasted? 500 gallons?
"no."
50?
"No"
5?
"probably about that much, yeah."
Ok, Water's $5/1000 gallons. that's $.005 per gallon. Here's a quarter - that ought to cover it.
agma96@reddit
this is just like my old roommate. Just move out and leave her high and dry. these bitches never have the money and it will screw them to the max.
mystiqophi@reddit
Print magic sigils and leave em around the rooms . When asked, tell her that you have a generational curse, and you need them to protect you from baba yaga. Practice witchcraft in front of her, and if she dares insult you..Then it's time for a curse ☠️
Cuneus-Maximus@reddit
Treat her like she treats your girlfriend. Make her messes visible. Accuse her of ridiculous things and demand she pay exorbitant amounts for things she uses.