Philosophy chat ok here? Nihilists or former ones?

So I deleted my post. I decided this is all just not appropriate for the sub. So I agree with all of this. Most people don't think about it at all. Those who do reject it. A small proportion of the population thinks this way. I feel like the only sane person... When I've brought it up in conversation I've been flat out told I'm wrong (and my response is to ask how, then get emotive arguments that are tangential at best), through to horror, disgust, and pity. One guy said "you can't really think this way do you?". He just couldn't depart from the idea even slightly that he and his life hold meaning and are meaningful. The way I see it we're all ants scurrying around thinking we are important, our work in the nest is important, and the whole colony matters. But zoom out just a little and we see the ants are insignificant. They could do their work or not, exist or not, and it wouldn't matter. We're like that. Everything we do, everything we could make, all the things we care about or fight against, all of our wins and loses, all of our loves and hates - they will all be gone. Our memory will be gone. Nothingness is our future. Society and civilisation will be gone too, buried like those we dig up and guess about now. Everything we see before us is an illusion for survival. This is where my ideas become hard. I don't want them. But if I must have them then let them be interpreted positively. Nothing matters so have a party, do what you want. It's impossible to make a mistake. But we are held by the drudgery of work and bills and tedium. So I made decisions to try and escape this. I bought land, learnt skills, built a tiny house so I can escape. It costs almost nothing to have (~$800 a year in local taxes, which I can claim as a deduction if I produce a little income there). Low cost, off grid living. Do the odd job using outdoor skills I have or casually in the profession I am in now. Bingo. Can exit this mess and start living like it doesn't matter. But I have kids. So I need to maintain a family home for a bit longer. In the meantime I've read and discussed this. I want to be proven wrong, but it's airtight. There are no chinks in the armour. I've attacked this for 25 years. Honestly and without exaggeration, my project in life has been to not be nihilistic for the last 25 years. I've read so many positive psych books, so many philosophical texts, spoken to so many people who have a different ethos to life and are successfully living that out. I've been to therapy and taken meds to treat it as depression. I've launched myself into family life. Into work. Into travel. Into sexual exploration. Into drugs. Into the service of others. Nada. Zip. Nothing. None of even takes the edge off. I'm currently on a six month trip in Latin America, I've learnt Spanish, seen so many things, and am currently in the mountains of Peru. So what. In order to believe anything else I have to disprove the absolute truth of nihilism, and nothing does that. The closest I got is when I read Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus. Trying to see this through the lens of Absurdism was my only out. The only other think of is to find a way to live with it. To make it less of a burden. You say you suffered for nearly a decade with this and drinking in response. I've chosen to try and dig up out of this hole. I've tried to construct a life I care about and hope that it changes how I think. I have been on the edge more than once over the last 25 years. I wished for a disease to kill me. I researched the least painful ways to take myself out. I daydreamed about veering out of my lane and into a tree in my car. I've had darker thoughts than that, and not momentarily. If I had a switch on the back on my neck to shut myself down I would have used it many times, and would right now too. So when you say I'm not nihilistic... that is a confusing thing for me to hear.