What passive aggressive behaviors are considered acceptable/ unacceptable in the UK?

As a Brit this ultimate passive aggressive saying drives me nuts. It's basically shutting down any sort of debate/opinion that a person might not agree with, by labelling the other person as rude/a bully. Particularly prevalent on Facebook groups.

See also: "What do you think of this thing I made/like" this is NOT, I repeat NOT an invitation to give your actual opinion, the unspoken rule is you agree with them and say it's nice/lovely.

[-]

ChokedPanda@reddit

Agreed.

It’s the “be kind” sentiment.

I agree with being polite and generally kind towards people as a starting point but sometimes a situation calls for someone to be called the fuck out on something.

The whole “in a world where you could be anything, be kind” nonsense dements me. IMO it’s typically online influencers who can’t hack any criticism or their dubious behaviour or actions that spout this.

[-]

PresidentPopcorn@reddit

Microwaving kippers in a shared break room. Unacceptable.

[-]

soverytiiiired@reddit

I don’t understand how pretty much everyone in the world finds this unacceptable and yet it happens SO often!

[-]

PresidentPopcorn@reddit

Hopefully they're a dying breed.

[-]

TheBeaverKing@reddit

Oddly specific but weirdly relatable by most. Well done.

[-]

PresidentPopcorn@reddit

It shows a complete lack of consideration for others. I've known three different people do this, and outside of this they were arseholes.

[-]

Honkerstonkers@reddit

I had a colleague who did this. Turned out to be a nonce. Went to prison, deserved on all counts.

[-]

Gruejay2@reddit

That isn't passive aggressive. It's a declaration of war.

[-]

weird-saxon@reddit

I've worked with a lot of African lads, I can relate

[-]

LegoVRS@reddit

I remember at uni we shared a kitchen with the girls floor above. One of the girls came down and stuck a fish in a pan to boil and then went back to her own floor. It stank and was going for at least an hour. When she got back someone had put the lid on it. She complained to the people who ran the halls of residence they were had been tampering with her food and we all got told off. Lol

[-]

Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

If you say something perfectly clearly and the other person says "Pardon?" it means they're annoyed at you.

Luckily, some of us just say what we mean. It's probably unpatriotic, but life is too short to be playing games and messing people about.

[-]

Any_Custard_7141@reddit

Years ago it literally meant “please can you repeat that, I didn’t hear you”. Now you have to literally say “sorry, please could you repeat that?” as no one says pardon anymore unless they’re conveying annoyance/indignation.

[-]

BlinkysaurusRex@reddit

That’s just existing in “the south” as someone from “the north” in my experience.

[-]

IcemanGeneMalenko@reddit

Beeping seems "normal" in other countries. In New York it's like "please can you move into the next lane, sorry"

UK beeping at someone is basically offering them out

[-]

Any_Custard_7141@reddit

I have noticed that in 17 years of driving I have not once heard anyone beep on the motorway. Is it illegal or something or are we all just being polite?

[-]

Charming-Objective14@reddit

And it is also illegal in the UK to use your horn if it's not an emergency

[-]

illarionds@reddit

Incorrect. You are supposed to use it "to alert others to your presence", it need not be an emergency - indeed there's nothing in the highway code about using it in emergencies.

A good example would be beeping before a blind corner, eg on a narrow rural road, to alert anyone coming the other direction. Perfectly legitimate, and indeed sensible.

The only "illegal" things are using it while stationary, or in a built up area between 2330 and 0700 - and even then there's an exemption "when another road user poses a danger".

[-]

Anasynth@reddit

What about for “wake up/get off your phone, the lights are green”?

[-]

illarionds@reddit

I guess you could argue that you are alerting the oblivious driver to your presence (ie to the presence of someone they are impeding by remaining stationary.

Or indeed you could argue that by remaining stationary in a clear road they are a danger to others, though that's a tougher sell.

Obviously in practice the police could be right next to you and wouldn't hassle you in this situation, so it's not actually going to come up.

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

The corner thing. Used to be prevalent in Cornwall!

[-]

3Cogs@reddit

I give a couple of toots when approaching humped back canal bridges. Most of them are single track and your bonnet and windscreen point skywards as you drive over them so it makes sense.

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

Yeah! I lost the door of a Cavalier when someone rushed the gap on a humpback bridge.

[-]

SilverellaUK@reddit

Flashing your lights also means "I am here" rather than "you can go" or "get out of my way".

[-]

CauseCertain1672@reddit

beeping is the closest humans have to a dog barking

[-]

Adventurous_Rock294@reddit

Or a small willy

[-]

Flettie@reddit

my horn comes on with the ignition

[-]

boudicas_shield@reddit

Beeping is so regional in the States as well; where I’m from, you’d better only be touching that horn because we’re all about to die a fiery death if you don’t. Everyone will flip you off and declare you a dick otherwise lol.

[-]

AnnaPhor@reddit

Too funny. Yesterday I taught my teen about the "friendly bip" -- the little gentle "bip" you do to let the driver in front know that the light has changed when they have clearly zoned out a bit. It's quite different from the "hey asshole you cut me off!!" BEEEEEEEEPPPP.

[-]

Familiar_Concept7031@reddit

Yep, or a 'thank you for letting me merge" bip.

[-]

harvestmoonbrewery@reddit

Single flash of the hazards works, or if laws restrict their usage, indicators back and forth once.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

I can relate. I was taught to only give a gentle beep if it seems something wrong is about the happen. Never beep so loud that it gives everyone around you a heart attack.

[-]

elaine4queen@reddit

I have had a car for three years and I still don’t know what the horn sounds like. Ditto the camper I had before that. UK

[-]

horsethorn@reddit

I only found out when I tried to get in the car holding a box.

[-]

JoobileeJoolz@reddit

Have boobed it once or twice, especially when dusting the top of the dashboard, which is very deep on my car.

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

What’s deep? The dash or the horn?

[-]

InternationalRide5@reddit

The dust?

[-]

ClevelandWomble@reddit

I drove in Malta years ago and got the impression that if your horn packed in it was worse than losing your brakes.

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

A Maltese diver, I knew - ooh! Fare too long ago, when asked what side of the road one drove on in Malta, replied, dead pan faced, “In the shade!”

[-]

ClevelandWomble@reddit

I heard that too. Apparently Malta adopted the British highway code. Unfortunately their copy was old and some pages were missing. Great place to visit though.

[-]

ignatiusjreillyXM@reddit

The roads and the driving (although that is nowhere near as bad as in, say, much of Italy) are definitely the worst thing about Malta. A lovely place in so many ways. But given there are no railways there you can't avoid the roads

[-]

elaine4queen@reddit

That’s useful to know! (And a bit terrifying)

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

Yeah! Beeping at someone, these days, will get you a contemporaneous interview with a copper, these days. “Honest, Guv, I wuz warnin’ him that I wuz there!” 🙄

[-]

Wasps_are_bastards@reddit

Someone cuts you up: beeeeeeep!!! = you’re a twat

[-]

SaladGreenFingers@reddit

I beep at people all the time, people are literally retarded in this country.

The amount of gawp mouthed fat fucking mouth breathing bellends that can't negotiate a roundabout or look more than 3ft in front of their bonnet. If there's one thing I cannot abide it's a shit standard of driving and I am decidedly vocal about it.

I don't have road rage, the UK is inundated by dumb cunts who should take the bus.

[-]

SWMovr60Repub@reddit

Are you sure you’re not talking about the US?

[-]

somethingtosay247@reddit

What New Yorker is starting a sentence with “please” and ending it in “sorry” lmaooo especially while driving in the city??

[-]

ND7020@reddit

This isn’t really a countrywide thing in America; it’s regional and New York is probably one extreme.

[-]

jo-jocat@reddit

‘No it’s fine.’ It is never fine and always muttered with resentment.

[-]

cjhreddit@reddit

It depends ... if the "fine" is at a lower tone than the "it's", your ok, but if they're at the same pitch it's definitely NOT fine, and if the "fine" is at a higher pitch then leave immediately !

[-]

emmacappa@reddit

Sometimes, I use "it's fine" when it genuinely is fine and I'm always so worried the other person thinks Im being passive aggressive so I just keep doubling down. I have no idea how to fix this

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

I’ve been on the receiving end countless times 😆

[-]

itsboleynbird@reddit

It’s the passive aggressive capital of the world unfortunately

[-]

Dilkington88@reddit

Acceptable: “You’re welcome” if you hold a door open and the other person doesn’t say thank you when they walk through.

Unacceptable: Shitting in your own hands and clapping.

[-]

tygeorgiou@reddit

thin line, not sure if I can tell between the two

[-]

exposingtheabuse@reddit

Literally did this yesterday to some rude woman, to clarify I mean saying “thank you” not shitting in my hands and clapping at her. Although during PMS I have considered it.

[-]

NaivePermit1439@reddit

Tutting loudly is the accepted form. 'You're welcome' is a bit more aggressive but both are equally valid.

Rolling your eyes to people not in the situation that is happening is perfectly acceptable.

Walking away with a look of disgust at the person who is an asshole. Is perfectly acceptable.

Not saying anything until you are away from the situation is perfectly acceptable but only if you rant about how you should have reacted but didn't.

I have never shit on my own hands and clapped.

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

There is a game called ‘Freckles’ …

[-]

Single-Class5015@reddit

Have you shit in someone else’s?

[-]

Interceptor@reddit

The secret is to sit on your hands first, that way it feels like shitting on someone else's hands.

[-]

Single-Class5015@reddit

🤢😂

[-]

NaivePermit1439@reddit

Lol. Not my thing.

[-]

Nervous_Tourist_8699@reddit

On the door thing, holding it open for a person that is far behind such that the other person has to walk faster and thank the first person is still a hanging offence (or should be)

[-]

Breakwaterbot@reddit

One of the small pleasures in life is holding the door open for someone at work you don't particularly like when they're a bit too far away so they need to walk faster.

[-]

WotanMjolnir@reddit

If people do that for me there is no way I’m walking faster for them - I didn’t ask you to hold the door so this is all on you.

Yes, I am an arsehole.

[-]

Nervous_Tourist_8699@reddit

Yes! That is truly passive/aggressive

[-]

zombiejojo@reddit

While smiling broadly saying "no, no don't run, take your time!"

[-]

TiffanyKorta@reddit

But what if you time it wrong and the door closes on their face? Best not to suffer the social embarrassment.

[-]

zombiejojo@reddit

Obviously you dash back, fumble the door open, and look like you're going to die while garbling 17 frenzied apologies.

Unless you don't like them. Then you wait until they are coming through and throw a breezy "oh sorry, didn't see you coming!" over your shoulder.

[-]

Ecstatic_Food1982@reddit

Unacceptable: Shitting in your own hands and clapping.

I dunno, there are places where that might be acceptable...

[-]

spicyzsurviving@reddit

dundee

[-]

ignatiusjreillyXM@reddit

Hilltown in Dundee maybe

[-]

atheist-bum-clapper@reddit

Grimsby for real

[-]

GreyFoxNinjaFan@reddit

Well that went from 0 to shixty pretty quick.

[-]

becca413g@reddit

I've had someone say 'you're welcome' when passing me, a visually impaired long cane user a few times. I have no idea what for though. I guess they don't realise I can't see well. I just say 'oh sorry, I can't see well'. I mean they might have been talking to someone else. I'll often reply to 'hello's to then hear a third hello and then realise they were not talking to me!

I had a door shut on me, hitting me, before and because people had always held it open I thought it just held itself open, I had no idea it would swing back and hit me! I just think all of those kind people I didn't say thank you to because I had no idea they were even there let alone holding the door for me!

[-]

PurplePlodder1945@reddit

Or mouthing/shouting you’re welcome at a passing vehicle who didn’t thank you for letting them through

[-]

Pizzagoessplat@reddit

Come up north where we are direct.

I'd actually would love to know how we got this stereotype that we're not direct. I currently live in Ireland and not being direct is something that I truly struggle with here because people take a lot of offence when I'm direct

[-]

witchypoo63@reddit

Southerner here, I’ve been called an honorary northerner as I’m pretty direct. It wasn’t meant as a compliment

[-]

bambiiambi@reddit

In my experience this apply to South England but I could be wrong

[-]

Maleficent_Beach85@reddit

You’d be right. As someone who grew up in the midlands and now lives on the south coast, passive aggressive communication is rife in the south. It does amuse me, as I’ve kept my directness, which has resulted in me apparently being “not fluffy enough” in my communication.

[-]

Mother_Development50@reddit

Don't change. Fluffy is over-rated most of the time.

[-]

RepresentativeWin935@reddit

Yeah I'm from the north west and moved to the south east. I found people use 'directness' as an excuse to be ignorant/rude.

[-]

bambiiambi@reddit

I’m very directz I don’t mean any rudeness, in my culture we value this.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

Absolutely. Can be direct without being rude, but being direct + rude screams louder than being indirect + rude. In my culture, if I beat around the bush, people will think I can’t communicate clearly/ efficiently.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

From my limited experience in the UK, it does seem like people residing in the north are more direct. Because it’s what I’m used to, conversations ran naturally and I really enjoyed my time there.

[-]

gumsgums@reddit

If I ask someone to do something, I will always phrase it as a question as if they have a choice, but British people will understand that it's a demand. If it's an actual question, the question will be prefaced with lots of "as long as its no bother" or "don't want to put you out" etc 😊.

[-]

Inner_Farmer_4554@reddit

I've managed to train myself out of the insanity of the following interaction.

Cashier: That'll be £10.60, cash or card?

Me: Card.

C: Would you like a bag?

M: Oh, yes please, if you've got one!

Who would offer someone a bag if they don't actually have any bags? It makes no sense at all!

Now I just say, "Yes, please," or, "No, thank you."

[-]

secretlondon@reddit

Do you want to pay 60p for a paper bag?

[-]

Inner_Farmer_4554@reddit

Honestly? Sometimes I would!

But only if they have one 😉

[-]

Unusual-Thing-7149@reddit

Just realized I used to do that in the UK. Here where I live in the USA I have to stop them using four bags when one would do

[-]

lynziB@reddit

There was a local shop I used to go to and before they rang my stuff up I would request a bag so I could bag my purchases at the same time

They gave me a bag when they had finished, took my payment then tried to hurry me on because there were people behind me

I’m sure they done it on purpose……..It drove me crazy!

[-]

Single-Position-4194@reddit

Yes, well said.

[-]

Chunderdragon86@reddit

Letting someone out of a junction in frustration go then you tit I flashed my lights

[-]

emmacappa@reddit

"There is some confusion" or "can you clarify" This means "you've made a mistake and I'm hoping you'll admit it now before I have to spell it out".

[-]

theneilthing@reddit

Saying “that’s fine” when that thing is manifestly not fine.

[-]

RomfordGeeza@reddit

Interrupting is a really big no no, unless that person is about to be run over by an out of control bus or similar.

[-]

skipperseven@reddit

Winding down the window and shouting, “can’t park there mate,” ideally if the vehicle has been involved in an accident, or is parked in a disabled spot, or where they clearly shouldn’t be parked. After aforementioned statement has been delivered, it is important to drive on, so that there is no verbal comeback or altercation.

[-]

InsideInformant22@reddit

I grew up in South Africa where they are very direct, blunt and to the point, they don’t do the pussy footing polite political correctness soppy stuff. Because of this, I got accused of being passive aggressive for asking a colleague straight up but politely to forward an email that pertained to my workload that was inadvertently sent to her. Her accusation of passive aggressiveness was because I asked “please forward that email to me so I can get it put on the correct database”. Someone please tell me what is passive aggressive about that, should I have licked her feet & grovel while I asked?

[-]

Dr_Havotnicus@reddit

Sounds like she's oversensitive or doesn't know what passive aggressive means

[-]

InsideInformant22@reddit

I agreed and at the time told her to go look up passive aggression, she made a few other unbased claims too that management told her wind her neck in and do some work for a change

[-]

SmallEdge6846@reddit

Queue jumping

[-]

Doddsy2978@reddit

Is a capital offence. Thought we had given up on capital punishment, think again!

[-]

InternationalRide5@reddit

It's been replaced with CAPITAL LETTERS PUNISHMENT.

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

Don't really understand the question. If you communicate directly where you come from why do you want to learn to be passive aggressive. No one likes that here it's just something some people are.

[-]

CauseCertain1672@reddit

because people who communicate more directly often come off as aggressive and combative in more indirect cultures

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

I would agree but that doesn't answer my question but ok

[-]

TarcFalastur@reddit

The point is, in most of UK culture, being direct about something negative is basically saying "look, I've run out of patience with you. You are no longer worth being polite to do I'm going to treat you like a child and tell you off now." It tends to have the result of creating a lot of resentment and anger, and can essentially destroy your working relationship in one conversation.

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

I know that but that wasn't my question.

[-]

TarcFalastur@reddit

The point is, passive aggression is a somewhat inevitable but fairly occasional side effect of a culture which aims to avoid being unnecessarily cruel to people by telling them the unfiltered truth. I'm sure there are any people out there who prefer the opposite - yourself for example, I would guess - but I will take a bit of completely harmless passive aggression over a culture of telling people "you suck and this is the reason why".

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

The culture of language in the UK is drenched in layers of subtext. Being direct is what you begrudgingly have to do when somebody isn’t able to follow the context and subtext of the conversation, so you have to drop the intricacies and be blunt. Usually with a child or a drunk person or somebody that isn’t all there etc.

For OP they may come across as rude by not following the expected level of subtext. But equally, for a lot of people knowing that OP is not British and is from a culture of more blunt speaking they will disregard their expectations of subtext and won’t pass the same judgement that they would for a British person, because for the most part we are self aware

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

I give up

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

It answers your question perfectly, I fear that you may just be stupid :(

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

That can be the only answer I guess.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

Thanks for commenting. In my culture, being direct is praised in most context, but it seems not the case in the UK (at least not London) There’s been a few instances in which I felt unfairly treated by passive aggressive colleagues, and I bluntly told them I didn’t appreciate their behaviors towards me. They were so shocked by what I said and retaliation followed. I do wonder if they’re better ways to communicate wrongdoings without coming across offensive. I don’t intend to practice passive aggressiveness. Just wanted to understand its purpose and what drives it, and adapt in any way I can to build healthy relationships with people around me.

[-]

Gruejay2@reddit

You adapt to the culture you're in, because expectations are different.

[-]

pcor@reddit

Many years ago, a guy I went to uni with who went to teach English in Japan put his visa renewal at risk because of this. He had a fairly broad Yorkshire accent and his Japanese colleagues kept telling him how interesting and unconventional his accent was, and how unusual (but refreshing!) it was to hear the everyday speech of English people. Then he started to hear about how difficult his visa renewal process was turning out to be, for vague reasons which nobody seemed able to properly explain.

Eventually a guy at the ESL company had to sit him down and tell him that they had been hinting to him all year that he would have to fuck off home if he didn’t start talking to the kids in the queens English.

[-]

sunandskyandrainbows@reddit

I think if you come from somewhere where direct is the norm, indirect can seem passive aggressive by default

[-]

AverageCheap4990@reddit

I can see that but they are different things. Just not sure if anyone should be trying to be more passive aggressive to fit.

[-]

Reasonable_Piglet370@reddit

'I'm sorry you feel that way' if we say this just know we aren't sorry in anyway whatsoever. You were probably a twat.

[-]

Cat-guy64@reddit

"I'm so sorry to inconvenience you mate, but could you please mind out of the way?"

When trying to get past someone who's intentionally blocking your path. But what you really want to say is "Get the bloody hell outta my way, you two faced-cunt!"

[-]

FrauAmarylis@reddit

OP, “Excuse Me” actually means Excuse You (for getting in My way).

Nobody gives a Yes or No reply. It’s always a long, round-about reply, and they don’t find it rude that they waste your time. Emails are always at least 3 paragraphs.

If they don’t like food at a restaurant, They say “the food let the chef down”, instead of I don’t like this food.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

Interesting. In my culture, “Excuse me” means sorry to bother/ trouble you. And yes I genuinely mean this is “interesting” 😆 Can totally relate to the unnecessarily lengthy emails!

[-]

zombiejojo@reddit

It also has the same meaning here, to preface asking a question of a stranger, like asking for directions. Usually combining with one or more Sorrys.

The solo and pointed "(well) Excuse ME" as the follow up to someone else's action is always a commentary on their behaviour

[-]

tallestpond5446@reddit

As A Brit I'm so glad people understand the excuse me thing.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

If someone is blocking me on the street and I’m in a hurry, is it accepted to say “Excuse me. Can I pass?” and is it considered passive aggressive?

[-]

zombiejojo@reddit

Might be interpreted as a bit rude or pushy.

The British equivalent would be a rushed and awkward "Excuse me, so sorry, may I?" Then you gesture where you want to go, following with a rapid fire "Sorry, thank you, sorry" if they acquiesce, as you go past

[-]

EUskeptik@reddit

Something I find unacceptable?

Sweeping generalisations.

[-]

pcor@reddit

Let’s not be overly broad in our condemnation of: some sweeping generalisations are at least sufficiently correct to be useful.

[-]

EUskeptik@reddit

Must use with caution, though.

[-]

laughingsquirrel1@reddit (OP)

Thanks for commenting. In my culture, being direct is praised in most context, but it seems not the case in the UK (at least not in London). There’s been a few instances in which I felt I was unfairly treated by passive aggresive colleagues, and I told them I didn’t appreciate their behavior towards me. They were so shocked by what I said to them and retaliations followed. So I wonder if there might be better ways to communicate wrongdoings that don’t come across as offensive. I don’t intend to practice passive aggressiveness. Just wanted to understand its purpose and adapt in any way I can to build healthy relationships at work.

[-]

martafoz@reddit

I'm a US born product of a British mom and a German dad. I'm direct by default, but if made to feel awkward or annoyed, I can minimize with words. Push me far enough though...yeah, German dad.

[-]

gingerchef93@reddit

Ending a very strongly worded email to a company that have been fucking you around for a good 3 months and saying I'll gladly go to court to prove that i am not the person that owes them money then finally accepting that they were in the wrong with

"My regards."

[-]

saeed_kun@reddit

I struggled as I come from a place where communication is direct and now im reading the comments and contemplating many situations ive been in during the past 5 years

[-]

bambiiambi@reddit

Same, but I also met plenty of nice brits who meant what they said

[-]

Chonky-Marsupial@reddit

People who write 'Thanks in advance' can fuck off and die and I'm quite prepared to help them do it in the 2 seconds or so after reading it. Totally unacceptable. Guaranteed way to get your request binned you presumptuous entitled twat.

And Breathe....

[-]

wtf_amirite@reddit

I’ve recently endured a lengthy correspondence with the AI/bots that Revolut use for customer service, after they “lost” a £120 transfer I made to someone else a month ago. If you think “thanks in advance” is frustrating, imagine how I felt continually being told at the end of a cut&paste reply that addressed none of my points, “thank you for your understanding” and me then wanting to strangle .. an AI/bot.

[-]

somnamna2516@reddit

replying ‘up to you’ .. when you ask your significant other if you can do something / go somewhere that they’re not keen on. even my Thai missus does this now - she’s definitely picking up some good English passive aggressive traits

[-]

Gruejay2@reddit

From my experience, Thai culture has plenty of home-grown passive-aggression, too.

[-]

spicyzsurviving@reddit

we are infinitely passive aggressive and equally pissed off.

[-]

Electric_Death_1349@reddit

Public flatulence

[-]

LukeSkywalkerDog@reddit

I've worked with delightful Brits for many years. I can say if you EVER receive an email from a Brit in ALL CAPS, you have done something beyond the pale. Also, the phrase "I am very unhappy" translates to "If I could rip your head off and stuff it down the disposal, I would." You just don't want to ever get there.